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You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest into the lives of others. Find out more at youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You can mentor
Speaker 2:And we love you. Wait. Did I miss it?
Speaker 1:Yes. You missed it. Oh, man. Started. Go.
Speaker 2:So right now, like, go.
Speaker 1:Yes. Go.
Speaker 2:Are we doing it? I think... Listen. Hey, guys. Listen.
Speaker 2:Zachary Garza has flipped the script on me, and he has made me the the host for today, and I'm so excited
Speaker 1:of being...
Speaker 2:Oh, what are we doing?
Speaker 1:Welcome to the Youth Mentor Podcast.
Speaker 2:I was gonna get to that. I was explaining why we were doing the... Okay. Start me over. Start me over.
Speaker 2:Alright. Go. Go. Alright. Welcome to the You Can Mentor Podcast, where we, equip, encourage and connect Christian mentoring leaders to build healthy organizations where mentors thrive and kids are transformed.
Speaker 2:Today, on the other side of the microphone, we have the wonderful, the illustrious, second to none, six foot nine, Zachary Garza. Put your hands together. Now this is kinda weird for Zach because he's so used to being on this side of the microphone and not on that side. But he is... Has been so generous today to allow me to take the lead because this is a conversation.
Speaker 2:It is a topic that I am passionate about, and it is one, that I will lead today. And today, we're talking about the five people, the five voices, the five personalities, the five adults that every Mentee should have. Zach, you've seen this list. How do you feel about this
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, slow down, Derrick. Slow down. Woah. Who who are you?
Speaker 1:Tell the audience about yourself.
Speaker 2:Okay. So, normally, when Zach does this, he doesn't introduce himself because everybody knows Zach. I made the assumption that you all have been here frequently enough that you know me as well. My name is Derrick Sier, out of the Oklahoma, by way of Tulsa in Oklahoma City, and I have recently joined the You Can Mentor team as the director of recruitment and network development. I'm a father, husband, and mediocre golfer.
Speaker 1:That's probably
Speaker 2:biggest greatest hugger. And
Speaker 1:if you wanna join our network, talk to Derrick, and he'll give you all the all of all of the details. So today, I did wanna... I just tossed it over to Derrick. And I was like, hey, man. You start the podcast, and this is what we've got.
Speaker 1:And I'm super excited, Derrick. I'm really excited about this conversation. The five people that every Mentee needs around them, five voices. I think it's gonna be a good one. So
Speaker 2:Yep. I think this is really this is really important, like, to me for multiple reasons. One, it kind of relieves the pressure of the mentor to be all things. I think oftentimes we feel like we find a kid, specifically You Can Mentor, we want to find kids from hard places. That's not to say that every kid does not need a mentor, but we specifically want to target kids from hard places.
Speaker 2:And when you find an adult that has halfway together, and they see a kid that has all these needs, especially the needs that are easily accessible, like it's organic to me, I have it at the front of my mind, it's from my mouth, the front of my tip of my hands, it's from my wallet. It's so easy to just give and do, and forget the position that we hold in their lives. And so number one, this is important to me because it relieves me the responsibility and duty from being all those things. And then number two, I like it because it allows me to be a specialist. Zach, what do you think about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I think it's really important for us as mentors to know that we are not the ultimate end all solution for the success of this child. I think it's so easy for us to get caught up, for us to think that we have to, quote, unquote, fix them. We have to save them. We have to be all things.
Speaker 1:You know, we have to help them with their math homework, we have to teach them how to shake a hand, and we have to help them get a job. And then we have to talk to them about Jesus, and then we gotta do this, and then we gotta... Hey, take a breath. And there's more than one person in this world who can help your mentee fulfill their god given potential. And it's our job as mentors to come alongside them to be an advocate to, you know, support them.
Speaker 1:We do have a role to play, but then here comes this, like, magic sauce. We can recruit other people to help us.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:We can surround them with other people who have different gifts and different qualities and different experiences to be able to speak into the life of this kid. Right? This happens all the time. I'll tell my kids something. Hey, man.
Speaker 1:You need to think about this. You need do this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. And then they go to school, and they come home and like, dad, my coach told me this nugget of wisdom today that I've never heard in my entire life. My entire life.
Speaker 2:Never heard.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, son, I told you that this morning. He's like, yeah. Yeah. Whatever.
Speaker 2:Today. I told you that. Today. Several hours.
Speaker 1:Whatever, dad. Just go buy me some popsicles. Know?
Speaker 2:Make me peanut butter and jelly sandwich, please. Yeah. Yeah. You know, Zach, as you're talking, I'm also thinking that it's really important. Like, I did this activity when I work with educators, and we have, like, this yarn that we use, and we talk about why we love this job and the work that we do.
Speaker 2:And every time they think about something that they love about this job or something that they love about the work they do, they have to go in and have to tie a piece of yarn, like they have yarn and then they come back and stand at a spot and they're like, oh, I like something else, I like something else. And the whole point of this activity is that if something changes in one of those areas, can snip that, I no longer like that about this place or this person or the work that I do. You see how all these other things that keep you in that relationship with those people doing that work with that organization, and that's the same with young people. If one person is keeping this young person from flipping off the handle, this one person is keeping this kid going to school and on the team and on the right path, just one person, the moment that relationship is damaged, that kid has the potential to just fly off the handle. To lose it, they lose their focus.
Speaker 2:But if we can surround young people with multiple adults, with multiple caring adults, then when one person isn't available, one person doesn't reply to the text, or one person doesn't answer the call, one person doesn't make it to the game, we have all these other people to kinda keep this young person in place.
Speaker 1:And there's so many examples of this out in the world. Right? Like, if you are a finance guy, if you like to invest, we all know the best investors diversify their investments. If you put all of your chips in one basket, you know, what happens when that thing goes down? You're in trouble.
Speaker 1:At at work. You know? Like, we all have different jobs, and we have different kinds of job descriptions to help us play a part for the organization to thrive. And it's the same thing with our kiddos. And Yeah.
Speaker 1:I... That's one of the main kind of reasons why I love after school or outside of school kind of programming because the kids go there, and they have counselors, and they have people who are overseeing the programs, and those people can be their mentors. But then they've got their one on one mentor, and their one on one mentor can introduce them to their church small group. And and then they've got teachers and coaches, so the mentor can talk to the teachers and coaches and say, hey. I'm seeing this and this kid.
Speaker 1:And then, I mean, we've talked about this in our podcast. There is this app that's called encircled, encircled.org, And they do a great job. The whole point of encircled is to surround your mentee with as many people as possible who can support them. That's so good. And I think I've talked about this maybe I've told this story before.
Speaker 1:And then once I tell the story, then we can actually start talking about the thing. But I had this kid who I coached. His name was Orlando. And Orlando was a stud. I mean, he was like, I coached eighth grade.
Speaker 1:And in eighth grade, you know, he was like six two, but he was like a hundred and like thirty... He was so skinny. Just so skinny. And this kid was fast. He could fly.
Speaker 1:And he was really good at football. And... But the problem was Orlando had a little bit of an attitude on him. A little bit of an attitude. But for some reason, me and him just jived.
Speaker 1:Like, I love the kid, and he and he loved me. So, like, you know, I'd be coaching him, and we were having success, and it was fun. But then the next day, I get a call from his math teacher. Hey, coach Garza. I'm having a hard time with Orlando.
Speaker 1:Can you come talk to him? I'm like, yeah. Sure. I'll come talk to him. So I go talk to him.
Speaker 1:Hey, babe. Hey, man. Yeah, coach. She she said this. She said that.
Speaker 1:I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. So slowly but surely, Big O started to thrive a little bit.
Speaker 1:He was doing great on the football field. Then I coached him up in some hoops, and he was doing good in basketball. The kid dunked in eighth grade. It was fun. What?
Speaker 1:And slowly but surely, I mean, he wasn't making straight a's, but he was passing all of his classes, and he was getting good, and some of the teachers started to like him. And well, fast forward to ninth grade. And ninth grade is different than junior high school. Now we're talking high school. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And as a freshman football player, you have practiced before school. So practice starts at... I think it was, like, 06:45AM.
Speaker 2:06:30. Yep.
Speaker 1:Yeah. It's it's early, which is fine. If, like, you have a ride and you have a mom who's like, son, did you pack your cleats? And here's your energy bar. But, like, Big O didn't have any of that.
Speaker 1:So O had to wake up at 6AM. He had to make sure that his siblings were up because his mom was gone on the night shift. He had to ride his bike in the dark with all of his pads, all of his stuff, and he had to get to school by 06:30 so that he was on the field good to go by 06:45. Wow. Woah.
Speaker 1:Wow. The first day of practice, he's late by two minutes. Two minutes. And he he did all this. Right?
Speaker 1:The kid's 14 years old. And the coach didn't know, oh. And he sees this kid who's walking out late, and he's thinking to himself, man, this is the first day of practice. I'm gonna make an example out of this kid. So he, like, stops everything, blows his whistle, points out Orlando.
Speaker 1:Hey, man. You think you're gonna be late to my practice? You better... You know? And he gets in O's face, and O's not having any of So he takes off his helmet, slams it down, tells the coach, hey, man.
Speaker 1:Has a couple, you know, words for the coach that I can't say here on this podcast and says, I'm out. I'm out. And just, well, walks off. Well, a couple weeks later, I go up to the high school, and I'm talking to the coaches. I'm like, hey, man.
Speaker 1:How's it going with Orlando? Like, man, oh, quit. And I was like, what? He said, yeah. Oh, quit.
Speaker 1:He showed up the first day, and we haven't seen him since. I was like, okay. Okay. Okay. I get in the car, go to the school, talk to his teachers, talk to the coach, drive up to his apartment.
Speaker 1:And I'm bang, bang, bang. Knock on the door. There's O. I said, hey, O. What's up, bro?
Speaker 1:He said, man, coach. I don't know, but things are going well. I'm like, yeah, man. And he told me what happened. You know?
Speaker 1:I was late by two minutes, and this coach embarrassed me. And I said, f this. And so, man, I'm out. I'm not doing school. I'm not doing football.
Speaker 1:I quit. And I'm like, alright, man. And so I sat there, and I was like, oh, hey, man. If I could get us a meeting with the coach and if we could figure out a way to clear up this misunderstanding, would you come back? He said, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Maybe. I said, alright. Cool. So I called up the coach. Said, hey, man.
Speaker 1:Sitting here with O. Is it cool if we come up and have a conversation about this? He's like, yeah. Sure, coach. Come on up.
Speaker 1:So I was like, alright. So O and I go work everything out. Right? What do you know? Fast forward four, five, six weeks, O's starting wide out on the team, scoring touchdown.
Speaker 1:He's back in school. He's doing everything right. Well, I'm keeping an eye on him. I'm calling his coaches. The coaches found out who some of his, you know, who are some of his teachers.
Speaker 1:We got some other people in the, in the kinda circle involved with O. And before you know it, we had six or seven people who were surrounding O, where if he fell down, one of us knew about it real quick. We had teacher. We had coach. We had me.
Speaker 1:We had, you know, camp counselor. Like, we had all of all of these people. And O started to thrive. And I picture it as like a spider web. You know?
Speaker 1:It's like if this kid's on a tightrope walking and he falls down, then he gets caught by this web. And it's and it's it isn't just one piece of string. It's five or six pieces tied together to catch him whenever he falls down. And that is what we're trying to create with each and every kid that we mentor is this web of success that keeps them from completely trying to fall down and picks them back up as fast as they can when they mess up. So
Speaker 2:That's so good. And you think about that web, you know, not only does the web have people, it has stuff and things. Right? It's like having a home, having food, having money, having transportation, having, you know, parents, you know, like all these things, when somebody falls, you know, the more dense that web is, the more difficult it is to like hit the ground or hit whatever the next level is below it, so that's a really good story. You know, as many stories I've heard you tell, and I love your stories, that's one of the best ones.
Speaker 2:It fits right in line with what we're talking about today, but it talks about you having a relationship, you having access, you being able to advocate and provide perspective. Like, love that story because, you know, we we could we could do a whole day training called the Orlando Pace. See what I did there? He's a football player. We could talk about like this really cool process of getting Orlando from one place to the next, from one moment to the next one week, one day, one relationship, one win at a time.
Speaker 2:That's a really cool story, Zach. Why we never shared it? You've been sitting on that one?
Speaker 1:Bro, I got a lot of stories. I was a teacher for a
Speaker 2:long time. Stories. It wasn't appropriate until now. Okay. So let's jump in to these these three things.
Speaker 2:Let... Before we do this, I wanna give us some warnings. You guys are gonna listen to this. These mentors out here, you're gonna be listening, and we got... We're gonna say this first one, and you're gonna be like, oh, yeah.
Speaker 2:That's me. That's me. That's me. And then we're gonna say the second one, you're gonna be like, oh, that's me too. And then we're gonna get to the third, the fourth, and the fifth, and you're gonna be like, I kinda do all of these.
Speaker 2:Well, this is what I'm gonna encourage you to consider, is who are the other caring adults in your mentee's life? If they don't have any and you're the only one, how can we add more caring adults? And maybe that young person has caring adults in their life, but you don't know them, that's my second challenge is, maybe you should. Maybe you should know the people that are surrounding the young person that you're mentoring, because this is also what kids are really good at. And I think sometimes they do it on purpose, other times they don't.
Speaker 2:They are really good at isolating people who help them, and so those people don't share information. If I can keep my teachers, you know, just my teachers and my parents don't talk to my teachers, This is why the parent school, parent teacher relationship is really, really important because the teacher tells the parent, hey, we got some classroom issues. We got some homework testing next week. Your son, your child is falling asleep. They're, you know, very talkative.
Speaker 2:That's why that relationship is important. Coach to parent is important, coach to teacher is important. All of these relationships, we can get them all talking, we can get the most comprehensive perspective and view of a young person, which I think is really, really important. Number one, you're gonna look through all this list, you're gonna feel like you possibly do all of those well. Number two, I'm gonna encourage you to surround your mentee with other folks, and if you don't know them, find out a way to know them.
Speaker 2:And then three, man, in an ideal world, we would be specialists. I know sometimes we don't have the privilege of only doing one of these things. And if we don't do the other, it can feel like neglect, like we're ignoring something that we can do on purpose. And so I just really want us to sit with those three things as we go through this list. Zach, any final words, warnings before we jump in?
Speaker 1:The final word is this for me in this session, this topic, is I just heard you say all that. And I was like, man, that's a lot. Like, that seems like a lot for a mentor. Yeah. Like, golly, I've got jobs, and I got kids, and I got taxes, and I got all these things.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. But then I was like, man, but that's so Jesus. Like, that... Like, it is so... It's so integrated.
Speaker 1:It's so... It it... It's so comprehensive. Like, you are caring for the whole child. You're not just making sure that they get better at math, but you're making sure that they're surrounded by positive adults who can speak into every single area of their life.
Speaker 1:And, guys, it's complicated, and it's messy because that's life. But, man, what a great joy. What a great opportunity to help this kid feel loved, help this kid feel worth, value, support. You can do that, and you can find other people to help you do that. And that sounds like the church to me.
Speaker 1:And so, I mean, the church is not just the four walls. You know? We're talking about this big c. But, man, it's family. That's family.
Speaker 1:Like, man, that is family. Like, back in the day, you had mom and dad and aunt and uncle and grandpa and cousins and... But now we don't really have that. So we get to try our best to create that. So that's all I got.
Speaker 2:Alright. Zach, we're twenty minutes in, we haven't even told them who the
Speaker 1:fuck is talked about it. I know. I know. I know. I know.
Speaker 1:Kinda anxious.
Speaker 2:Get into it. You can take this nineteen, twenty minutes, and it's gonna be golden regardless. But, as promised, we gotta we gotta give you these five personalities, these five people, these five roles. And, of course, I think there could be, you know, a few more. You could probably split these down into subcategories, but I think these five overarching people or personalities, I think these a great way to start.
Speaker 2:Okay, here we go. Number one, this is the listener. This is the confidant. This is someone who knows the Mentee well. They can listen without judgment.
Speaker 2:They can offer a safe space to kind of share these struggles and these thoughts. This is the person that sits across and they ask a question and they think very introspectively, they're very pensive in their response and their reaction. And then they say, tell me more about that. Well how does that make you feel? Have you shared that with anybody?
Speaker 2:This is the person that is literally just there to ask great questions. This is the person that is there to listen, to provide a safe space of no judgment, to create safety and trust. And these are the people that say, hey, listen, you can tell me anything. Zach, what do you think about this person?
Speaker 1:Well, I think it's great. And I don't do a very good job of this because I like talking. But let me ask you this question, Derrick. Is this... And I'm not trying to, you know Hold hold.
Speaker 1:Be too... But Critical. I feel like the female is... The female mentor, it might be a little bit better at this. Like...
Speaker 1:I mean, I'm not saying that every male is bad and every female is good, but I would just say, there's something about... You know, it's kinda that, like, mom. Like, oh, yeah. I just wanna sit, and I just wanna open up, and I just wanna share. Whereas with dad, they're like, everything's fun.
Speaker 1:You know? So
Speaker 2:Or or or the the Mentor, the dad figure, the big brother figure is gonna tell you what you should do.
Speaker 1:Exactly. Try to fix And
Speaker 2:do it yesterday.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Like, let
Speaker 2:me tell you what the problem is. Let me tell you what the problem is. Let me tell you what the issue is.
Speaker 1:I don't want you to fix me. I just want you to hear me. That's so valid, though. And I'll also say this, like, if you are a male and you've got a male mentee, it might be a pretty good idea to get someone who's not a male speaking into their life, you know, like
Speaker 2:Oh, that's good.
Speaker 1:They have a lot of wisdom and they have different perspectives. And I mean, this it... It's a team game here. And if if we're just coming from the male perspective, I feel like we might be kinda missing out on some really, really, really good stuff and vice versa as well. So
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, Zach, it's interesting that you mentioned that, because I heard this one, mentor of mine. He said, the reason that, that men don't have a place for women other than mom or some sort of sexual or romantic spot is because they didn't grow up with that in mind, they didn't see an example, they don't have examples of that. It's either somebody that was a teacher or an authority figure, aunt, mom, grandma, that was engaging with that way, or it was somebody that you were trying to be romantic with, and so we have these young men that only have two places for young women in their life, it can be very difficult growing up, not having practice when you're younger. And so it's like having a mentor, having a female voice that is not a mother figure that is also not, like, think that's also very important as well as we try to, like, mature young people and make life more nuanced and more dynamic instead of so black and white.
Speaker 1:100%. And, you know, going back to the deep listener, you know, that... There is no doubt in my mind that that person has tremendous value. And there's also no doubt that maybe even more than any of these, it is a skill. And it's also a certain kind of wiring.
Speaker 1:Like, there's just people who, you know, like me, who this... It's really hard for me to slow down and to listen. But for some people, it just comes it just comes naturally. So it's good.
Speaker 2:You I know, think I think about this as well, and I know we gotta go. I know we gotta get to number two. But I also think about how often some of the greatest mentors of mine have been great listeners, deep listeners, and their questions actually helped me discover or uncover the answer. And it felt like it was on my own. And we really want young people to kind of do that process because if we tell them what to do, they'll always look to us to find out what to do.
Speaker 2:But if they can figure this thing out, if they can uncover, if they can take some ownership of these answers, then it's something that came from within instead of coming from without. And so my mentor, he's like, really? You know, he's doing what I did when I was exampleing in the beginning of like, tell me more about that. Oh, that's interesting. How does that make you feel?
Speaker 2:And what was their response? And what did you think about their response? And what are you going to do with that information? And he's like, kind of walking me down with this curiosity, and I walk away like, thank you, appreciate that. And he's like, hey, it was all you.
Speaker 2:Like, it was all you. And I'm like, no, you tricked me, you seasoned better, and you got me again. So I think those deep listeners, those confident spaces, it's a skill that needs to be developed. It's a muscle that needs to be built. And I think people who do it really, really well are unlike anybody else on this list.
Speaker 2:What do you think?
Speaker 1:Agreed. Agreed, man.
Speaker 2:Alright. Here's the next one that I have a really... I don't have a tough time with, but sometimes it can have the most conflict in my life. And this is like the truth teller. This is like the challenger.
Speaker 2:This is the person that's not gonna sugarcoat it, they're just gonna give it to you straight, they're not gonna beat around the bush, they're gonna open up their mouths. When they open up their mouths, it's almost like you have to brace yourself. Like, you almost have to, because it's coming a 100 miles per hour and you know that it's out of love and it's out of truth and they mean the best. But the truth teller sometimes they just push us past our comfort zones. They call out self sabotage.
Speaker 2:They encourage personal accountability. They call you to the mat. They pull you to the front. They uncover the thing. Why can this be a hard position to take in a young person's life?
Speaker 1:Well, I think there's a couple of things there, Derrick. One, I think it's absolutely needed. People need someone who's gonna point out the truth and who's gonna tell it to them straight up. Now with kids, especially kids who have experienced trauma, you have to do this in a very, wise way. You have to be smart.
Speaker 1:You have to think about environment. You have to think about their past. You have to think about all these things. And so I think it's hard just because, like, no one likes to hear where they messed up or what they're doing wrong. Mhmm.
Speaker 1:But I think that there is a way for us to do this in a way that helps call them up instead of calling them out and helps produce the best version of themselves while trying to protect them and trying to keep their heart safe. You know what I mean? So
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, as a coach, I'm sure you've you have learned that you gotta coach different players different ways. You can be very hard and direct with one. In fact, there are some players that require that, they request that, like, coach, I need you to be hard on me, like, need you, don't be soft, I need you to just lean into me because the more you lean, the more I know you care, and then there's other people, probably like me, that you had to pull to the side, had to put your arm around me, you know, you had to grab in front of my face mask, and you had to give me some encouragement, and then tell me where I went wrong, and then tell me I was the most amazing nose guard in the whole out world, and that nobody in the world could stop me if I did what you told me to. Like, there's all these different personalities, and what reminded me of this is when you said, you know, number one, there's a way that you do it, there's a skill about it.
Speaker 2:And doing it in front of people, whether you're using a firm voice or a soft voice where you're being loud, where the time of day, is it right after what happened or do you circle back, like it's definitely, you have to know your young person if you're gonna take this primary role in their life.
Speaker 1:But we are preparing them for life because their boss, when they're 30, they're not gonna care if they came from trauma. Their boss in their thirties is gonna tell them, hey, you need to get better in this area or else. And so is it hard? Yes. 100%.
Speaker 1:Do we have to be smart and wise about it? Yes. 100%. But we also... It...
Speaker 1:It's very needed to find someone to do this because you gotta kinda learn how to get your butt shoot out. Mhmm. You know? Like, I... You know, my oldest son, I would...
Speaker 1:This was when he was, like, five, six, seven. I'd go, hey, son. You need to do this. And he'd start crying, mom, dad's dad yelled at me. I'm like, son, trust me.
Speaker 1:I did not yell at you. Did Like, not you know if I yelled at you, bro. But... Absolutely. You know?
Speaker 1:And so... And, you know, Sarah, tell me what you said. I'm like, Sarah, just told him to clean his room. And he would always say, dad's so harsh with me. And I was like, okay.
Speaker 1:Okay. Okay. So... But now I find myself saying the exact same thing in the exact same way, and he's 10. He's like, yes, sir.
Speaker 1:Okay. Great. I'm like, okay. And so so, like, I like... Now could I have been more gentle?
Speaker 1:Could I have been less harsh? Yes. Of course. But the bottom line is he got used to it, and he learned like, oh my gosh. He's not mad at me.
Speaker 1:He's just trying to help me. And so Yep. And it can be the same thing with our kids. Like, if no one's calling them up, if no one's pointing out, hey. You should probably think about doing this in a different way, then...
Speaker 1:And if they go their whole life without hearing that, that's not gonna be good for them. Yeah. So
Speaker 2:Have you seen the have you seen the the video of, like, dads telling their families, like, it's social media, so, you know, it's always jokes and it's prank or whatever. But it's these dads that are like, they're with their wives out in public and they're like, hey, we gotta go now. And the wives are like, why? Like, where are we going? I thought we just got here, like, he's like, we gotta go now, like, and then you get some, the other wives, they're like, hey, we gotta go now, and then they just leave.
Speaker 2:They just go, and then they get information on the back end, And and they they do it with kids, and the kids are like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't think. Anyhow, it just reminds me of, like, if... Like, have some people in my life that they just tell me, Derrick, go do this. Go talk to your wife.
Speaker 2:Derrick, do this with the... Like, text your kids. And then on the back end, whether they say it or I... It reveals itself during the process. I think there's something to be said about building relationship, building trust, having access to where when you say those things that are firm and quick, that they're received a lot better than when you don't invest in relationship.
Speaker 2:If the only time you're talking to a young person is to correct them and to redirect them and remind them that they failed and they're not good enough and that they're always messing up. If that's the only time that voice is being used, then that is not what we're talking about here today. We're talking about you having access, talking about you building relationship, trust, safety, familiarity, that you've made these deposits of kindness. So when it's time to tell the truth, and time to challenge their thinking and their behavior, they have all this other relationship to build off of, to pull from, and they know that you care for them, even though you're using a very direct tone, a very stern voice, and very sharp words.
Speaker 1:Good. That's good. Okay. So we've got the deep listener, we've got the truth teller, number three Wait.
Speaker 2:Wait. Before we do that, somebody's listening to this, and they have decided they are both. They have decided, yes, I'm the deep listener and the truth teller. They say, I listen when I need to, and then I speak up and I'm firm when I need to. I just wanna say sometimes how confusing this can be as a a young person of, like, you make this person, like, oh, this is a fun person.
Speaker 2:And then when the fun person turns serious, it's like, wait, hold on, wait a minute. And so I understand that sometimes we need to wear multiple hats, but again, I will say, in a perfect world, we would be able to be a specialist. So I'm just calling that guy to your mind. Alright. Number three, Zach, what do we got on on number three?
Speaker 1:The mentor. The guide.
Speaker 2:Oh.
Speaker 1:This is the experienced role model, the trusted adult, you know, who provides long term perspective. They guide them through major life choices. They're there by their side, helping them climb up this mountain called life. And that is what they do. You know?
Speaker 1:They're just there. They're just there for support. They're there to guide. They're there to nurture. It's good.
Speaker 2:Waylon Waylon Cubitt, master mentor here in Oklahoma City, he has his story that he tells, and I'm sure everybody's heard it, but it's it's... It captures Mentor as well as any other story I've heard. He says, there's a man in a hole, and he falls in the hole and he's yelling out, hey, help, help, help, help. The first person goes by is the doctor, he says, hey man, here's a prescription, this is how you get out. Throws the paper down the hole, walks away.
Speaker 2:There's another guy that is a lawyer, and he says, hey man, I've seen holes like this before. He says, when you go, when you get out, we're gonna sue the person that made this hole. Writes his number down on a piece of paper, throws it down the hole. And then there's a third guy that comes by, and the guy's yelling, help, help, he looks down in the hole, the guy takes his backpack off, sets it down, jumps down in the hole with the guy, and the guy's like, what are you doing, like, we're both gonna be stuck in the hole. And the guy says, don't worry, I've been in this hole before, and I know how to get out.
Speaker 2:And so when I think of like, a mentor, like kind of walking alongside, climbing this mountain that he's climbed before, he's had these relationships that you're getting ready to walk into, he's been through these experiences that you're coming up on. He's been in high school, he's coming out. Right, he's been in relationships, you're getting into one. It's really cool to have somebody that is older, that is seasoned, that has done some things, seen some things, experienced some things, and is willing to leverage those mistakes and that experience on behalf of someone else. And I just think that's what a mentor does.
Speaker 1:And that's a great story. I've never heard that before.
Speaker 2:You've never heard that?
Speaker 1:Never heard it.
Speaker 2:Hashtag Waylon Cupid. Hashtag Waylon Cupid. No.
Speaker 1:It's a lot of can do. I just love that guy.
Speaker 2:I don't know. He... Hey, listen. He's amazing. And he's a great golfer.
Speaker 1:Is he? Course, he is.
Speaker 2:He is. He is. He's so good.
Speaker 1:Okay. I also was thinking about this when you were talking about being a specialist. It takes a lot of faith to play your role and to trust that God's gonna surround you with the people to play the other roles. I think sometimes out of fear, I think I have to be all things to all people. And, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I was just kinda thinking about that. But I think that that's a great example of who a mentor is and what a mentor does. And it's great. So that's... You know, I think as much as I like...
Speaker 1:As much as I want to be that for some of the kids that I serve, you know, I... What would it look like, especially if you're quite a tad bit younger? You know, if you're 30 and the kid you're mentoring is 15, what would it look like for you to pull in someone older? And she's like, hey. All of us are gonna go out to lunch, and we're all gonna ask this old guy questions because he is the man, and he's wise.
Speaker 1:He knows more than we do. So I don't
Speaker 2:know. Good.
Speaker 1:It's good. It's good.
Speaker 2:But Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Alright. Number four, we have the cheerleader, the motivator. I think if... I think this is me. I had to pick one, think this would be me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You're pretty good, this.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay.
Speaker 2:I get I get the voice notes that's saying, hey, man, like, just proud of you, praying for your family. Glad you're a part of the team. Excited about your... Like, yeah, I'm like, I I saved those. Like, I'm like, saved.
Speaker 2:And I'm gonna listen to this when Zach puts on his his truth teller challenger hat.
Speaker 1:Oh. Oh. Got the thank you notes. You know? I So good, man.
Speaker 1:I keep a bunch of thank you notes just just on my desk just in case I think of someone. I mean
Speaker 2:It's so dope.
Speaker 1:This is someone who offers positive reinforcement, lifts their spirits during setbacks, and celebrates the wins. And I think that there's different ways to be a cheerleader, to be a motivator. You know, I am not really the rah rah guy. Mhmm. But I will lift your spirits during setbacks, and I will tell you everything's gonna be okay.
Speaker 1:And I will remind you of, you know, how we've been here before, and the Lord hasn't filled us yet, and you have what it takes, and all of those things. So I think that this is this is vital, especially for kids who have experienced kind of some harder things because it takes someone sometimes to point out the good in the midst of the hard. And so Yeah. That can be this person.
Speaker 2:I have a I have a guy right now, little brother, mentor type of vibe energy, and then he's really going through it right now. And, you know, he's he's been high of the high, low of the low, and I have to remind him, because he's pretty low right now, I have to remind him of these high places that he's been to. It's almost like, I think of like, the people that were coming out of Egypt, and they would easily slide into this woe is me. Right? They would easily slide into it.
Speaker 2:And I'm like, man, let's flip back a few chapters and see what God did, like, part of the seas, like, pillar fire by night, cloud by day, like, manna every morning, like, quote coming from the sky, like, water out of the rock. Like, I'm just thinking like, man, we saw, we've seen some really, really cool stuff. And even if we haven't seen those big things like that, being grateful for another day, another opportunity, another meal, people in our lives that care for us. Like, these small things all the way to the big things, we can see God's hand moving through our lives, and I think this position right here of cheerleader, of motivator, of encourager, has to be willing. This is, Zach, dare I say, this is also a skill, that you have to be able to look at a situation, wrap it in God's divine purpose, see His grace, the silver lining that is is around this thing, like, we have to, as encouragers, as motivators, as cheerleaders, we have to be that voice that says, hey, man, just take the next step.
Speaker 2:Like, I know you're frustrated, but God is good. He's got me here. He won't fail. Like, I think that has to be a skill that when when a situation arises and you reach back and your encouragement back, that there's always something there. We have to have faith and believe that God will always give us a word.
Speaker 2:He'll always give us a posture and a mindset to help these kids.
Speaker 1:Without trying to minimize their hardships.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. Without trying to just toss a bunch of bible on them, which, like, I know that that sounds hard, but, like, the worst thing No. That's good. In my opinion that that you can do... You know, let's say a kid, has a girlfriend that he's dating and they break up.
Speaker 1:And one one of the worst things we can do is, hey, man. It's fine. You just need to trust God. He'll provide... You know?
Speaker 1:You'll do the... And and just... And is that true? Yes. Is that what he needs to hear in the moment?
Speaker 1:Probably not. You know? Probably not. Not yet, at least. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so just just making sure that we kinda hold these two, like like putting your arm around them, hearing them out, caring, you know, listening, asking questions while encouraging them without making them feel like they just need to do better. You know? You just need to believe more. You just need to trust. You know?
Speaker 1:You just need to stop feeling that way and just read your Bible because all the answers are in there, which is true. That is true. But Yeah. There's a way to say that in a way that doesn't try to minimize how they're feeling. Right?
Speaker 1:And so Yeah. I don't
Speaker 2:know. That's really good. That's really good.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Can I
Speaker 2:tell you why that's good? And then we're gonna go to our last one. I think that's really good because, like, when when you when you go to someone... Like, we we know who to go to and who not to go to based on how they've engaged us in the past. We know.
Speaker 2:We know that this person is gonna sit with me, and I'm gonna be able to vent and dump, and they're not gonna give me any answers, but I need that right now. I don't need to think about tomorrow. I just wanna think about what in the world just happened. This person is gonna be there for me. When I need to move on, this person is gonna be the one, this other person is gonna be the one.
Speaker 2:But I think I think kids know, And I think the more options they have, we're talking about having these... Wearing these different hats. I think it's really, really important. And so not being dismissive, not rushing past the moment, not belittling and making it smaller than it actually is, like, not doing those things is actually wise as we prepare to move them on to the next moment.
Speaker 1:Yep. That's good, man. Alright. We've got the deep listener, the truth teller, the mentor, the cheerleader, and then lastly, which is one of my favorite, is the peer doer. It's the growth partner.
Speaker 1:It's the friend or peer who is actively building, learning, or pursuing healthy goals rather than settling or lingering in negativity. Look. Our kids need friends. And one of the best things we can do is to promote friendship is that's one more kind of reason why I love summer camps and after school kinds of programs. And sports is because, like, hey, our kids need mentors, but Yeah.
Speaker 1:They're probably gonna spend more time with their friends. So let's cultivate environments where our kids can have those healthy kinds of friendships and those kinds... Let's create those environments that attract the kinds of kids that we want our kids to spend time with.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so... Yeah. So it's a it's a super big deal. And how can we as mentors, whether it's, you know, taking them to church or signing them up for a sport or Mhmm. Signing them up for the after school kind program or, invite them into our family, you know, like my mentee can be friends with my kid.
Speaker 1:And, I mean, we gotta figure out a way to surround our kids with as many positive adults as possible, but also positive kids as possible too.
Speaker 2:You said create an environment that attracts kids that we want our Mentee to be around.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Wow.
Speaker 2:Wow. Create environments. Man, if you are listening to this right now, you should you should take that line and then turn and look at your programming. You should turn and look at your building. You should turn and look at your staff.
Speaker 2:You should turn and look at... Like, that line right there should make you look inward and reflect and assess on what type of environment. I've heard so many people stand in a building and they're like, I don't understand why kids don't wanna come here. Like, they've they've created these programs where kids sit for sixty minutes and listen to somebody, they're like, I don't understand why kids don't don't wanna come.
Speaker 1:I can tell you why. Because you're boring. That's why. Yes. Because you don't put effort into making it a fun and encouraging environment where kids want to come to.
Speaker 1:That's why.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. So You're you're building in your spaces and conducive for for for kids and energy. Like, you don't want things to get broken and this Go. Have is low.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Have good snacks. Like Yeah. Absolutely. Play their kind of music that they like that's appropriate.
Speaker 1:Like, so
Speaker 2:Yeah. So this is really good. Like, I like that. Create an environment, that attracts kids that you want your mentee to be around. And I think that's really, really important.
Speaker 2:And that can be in your car, in your home, at school, at church, in your neighborhood and community. Whatever environment you want kids to be in, make it fun and attract the kids that wanna be there. And I think that will give your mentee the option instead of just one person because they're picking... They feel like they're picking the best, the worst. How can we get kids around?
Speaker 2:How can we pour into them so that no matter where the kid turns, there's no bad options? Every kid in this group is solid. Every kid we know, we have a relationship with, we keep tabs on. And, yeah, pick any of these, and I'm gonna have a relationship with them as well. So I think that peer relationship is really, really important.
Speaker 1:I do too, man. Okay. So the five people that every Mentee needs, the five voices, the deep listener, truth teller, the mentor, the cheerleader, the peer doer, the friend. Guys, as we mentor, just know that this is not a solo mission. We need people around us.
Speaker 1:This is why it's great to be a part of a program. This is why it's awesome to invite your Mentee to church. This is why it's awesome to invite your Mentee into your home so your spouse can also speak into their life, and perhaps they can have a role to play. Perhaps your kids can, perhaps your neighbors or your small group. Guys, we get to be the advocate.
Speaker 1:We get to be the voice that says, hey. Here's a kid that matters, and you can help be a voice that helps them become all that God created them to be. You can be an encourager. You can tell the truth. You can open up doors.
Speaker 1:You can listen. You can do all of these things. So you can mentor. Your friends can mentor. Your kids can mentor.
Speaker 1:Our kids just need people who love them, who look like Jesus, who can help encourage them and pick them up when they fall down. So thank you, Derrick, for this. Thank you for the man in the hole. I love that. I'm gonna use that.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna steal that and say that it was mine. I'm gonna steal it. 100%. And just know that we love you. Share this with your mentoring community.
Speaker 1:Share it with your staff and your volunteers. Sign up for our stuff, go to our Instagram, check me out on LinkedIn, find out more about You Can Mentor because we believe that You Can Mentor. Have a good day. Thanks for tuning in to the You Can Mentor Podcast. Our vision is to raise up and invest in mentoring leaders who will launch and grow thriving mentoring ministries.
Speaker 1:We do that by equipping and encouraging faith based leaders through relational connection, Christ centered resources, and collaborative gatherings. Check out our books, come to the National Christian Mentoring Gathering, and engage with our networking cohorts. You can find all this at gookamentoring.com or on social media. Please share this episode with a mentoring friend and leave us that five star review. Thank you.
Speaker 1:You can mentor.