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For anyone who’s been in the opposite place of where they want to be 🩷
Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸
Speaker: Hey, it's Kirby Myers and you
are listening to Behind The Blonde.
This is a podcast for anyone
who's ever been in the opposite
place of where they want to be.
So of course, we are really down
to the wire with the holidays here.
Christmas is right around the corner.
I'm sure all of the other moms out there.
Are feeling a little bit of a
similar, I don't know, just anxiety.
, As much as I know I love the holidays,
if I'm being completely honest.
Now, this has changed for me too,
because of course I share my kids.
So that means we share Christmases This
Christmas, I do not have my children
and they're traveling with their dad.
And let me tell you.
That fucking sucks.
There's no other way around it.
But to just say that, that
is a tough pill to swallow.
And I think this month in general,
like leading up to Christmas,
for me it's felt different.
I don't know, something in the
air has felt a little bit heavier.
Um, there's been like a
sickness going around.
I don't know where everybody else.
Is tuning in from, but me and the kids got
really sick with this crazy stomach virus.
I ended up in the ER with my daughter.
She was vomiting like crazy and then we
got sick and so it was like five days
that I actually didn't leave the house.
I recorded last episode with Jolie
and then I was in the house for
like five days not feeling good.
And sometimes when you get that sick.
You start to feel
depressed at the end of it.
Like physically you don't feel good,
but then my mental state starts to
decline because your whole just routine
and world gets completely rocked and.
I get to the point where it starts
to get a little bit scary for me.
It actually triggers back to some
of those, like early addiction
and sobriety days and all of that.
Because I have this feeling of
like, I wanna leave the house,
but I don't wanna leave the house.
Almost like this stuck feeling
because I've been there for so long.
So I kind of started feeling that
towards the end of when I was like.
Not quite ready to go back to work yet.
I needed just one more day,
but I wasn't that sick.
So it was enough to be like in
my knowing of, wow, I literally
am reentering the world tomorrow
after almost a week of being home.
And what does that look like and what
are all the things that I need to do?
And
still like four days later , I am
not really feeling a hundred percent.
So I've been struggling with what I wanted
to talk about this week on the podcast.
And I went to yoga this morning.
And uh, Jolie is my instructor
and she always puts out cards.
And I picked a card and the
card was called the Pathless.
Basically like losing your direction.
And I thought, well, if that ain't
the damn truth for me this week
I've just felt a little bit lost.
So even though I say this is a podcast
for anyone who's ever been in the opposite
place of where they wanna be, and I am
getting to those places and consistently
working on myself, I still hit these
patches where I'm just feeling like.
Not in my good.
I'm, I'm feeling I chopped
my hair off, which was great.
I, they say the hair is like an
energy release and I'm loving that,
but that was like a big change and.
I'm kind of just wading through the
water of the next couple of weeks of
the holidays and not feeling super
in the spirit this year because of
the circumstances with not having
the kids and then getting sick.
So we didn't get the Christmas
decorations up as early as I wanted to.
So I've got that mom guilt about that.
We finally got the tree up this past
weekend, but we were supposed to
get the tree up the week before and
the decorations and instead we were
vomiting and it's like, what can you do?
You can't do anything but try
to give yourself a little bit
of grace and just say it's okay.
But you know, I think as moms we put so
much freaking pressure on ourselves all of
the time to be everything for everybody,
and it's really hard to let go of that.
It's really hard to just
give yourself that grace.
And then on top of it, you know,
not feeling a hundred percent.
I kind of feel a little like depleted.
I don't have as much energy, so
I'm a little less patient and that
feeds over into my relationship.
So Britt and I got into a big fight
yesterday and we don't fight that
much anymore, and it was over the kids
and just kind of disagreeing about a
consequence of them not doing something
and a follow through and we were just
kind of at each other and not talking
to each other the way that we have
gotten to, you know, communicate more.
Healthily.
Now, is healthily a word, by the way?
And so everything's just been
kind of feeling like a little
bit more in the icky zone lately.
And so these are the moments where
if it's tied back to addiction or
sobriety and feeling like you want
that escape, I think the moments
where I, I don't ever feel like.
That is threatened for me
that I want to have a drink.
It's funny, somebody was talking to
me the other day about a girlfriend
they knew that quit smoking and
they're like, man, I want a cigarette.
I don't know if I've said this on the
podcast before, but, um, I, I miss smoking
way more cigarettes than I miss alcohol.
Alcohol.
Like I.
I don't really miss it at all.
The romanticism once in a while
of, oh, wouldn't a glass of wine
be nice with dinner or something?
But I just know how bad the
aftermath of the feeling is.
Just the thought of having a hangover
or, and this isn't coming with judgment,
but seeing other people when I know
that they've been out the night before
and you can just tell that they're
hungover, like, that's enough to keep
me from wanting to ever go there again.
But there is sometimes not a jealousy, but
just this now that I've given up marijuana
as well and not having really anything,
um, except for I will, you know, the Diet
Coke will always be an addiction of mine.
Okay, product placement.
Just kidding.
I'm absolutely not getting paid for that.
But wouldn't it be cool if I did one day?
That would be like my dream.
Although I guess that would go against
the grain because Diet Coke is addictive
and so the aspartame is horrible for me,
but I'm like, I don't have anything else.
So I think in like seasons
like this where everything.
Feels a little bit heavy and it's
really only been a week and a half
that I've kind of felt off kilter.
And even the morning I did
the podcast with Jolie, I was
starting to get my period.
So I told her that morning,
I was like, I just feel off.
I don't feel a hundred percent myself.
, My flow had started, so
I just started bleeding.
As I've gotten older, my
period symptoms are really bad.
I get headaches, I'm
exhausted, I am crampy.
Um, I did start some HRT and
progesterone like a few months ago.
I went and got all my
hormones and levels checked.
'cause everybody that I know it seems
like are doing those, um, the shots now,
like the hormone replacement therapy to.
You know, level up on anything
that you're depleted on.
And they actually said that
everything looked really good.
But if I wanted some preventative stuff,
you know, premenopausal, all of that.
So these supplements have seemed to be
helping like regulate my moods more.
'cause there was a point there where I
would not have blamed Brit if he was like,
I'm gonna go to a hotel four days a month.
It's usually like the week before I'm
getting my period that I was like.
Psychopath.
Um, so it's helped that definitely
like the mood regulation.
But the physical symptoms, the
exhaustion, the, the headaches, just
kind of feeling, you know, down and
drained, is still there for sure.
So I remember feeling that way when I
was going into the podcast with Jolie
and she actually stopped for a second.
She's like, before we record,
like take some deep breaths, she
walked me through the breathing.
So if you listen that week, last week,
we were talking about the power of
breath and how that's just so huge
and, and it really is monumental.
I do hope if you took anything away
from that, that you can just find
your moments throughout your day to.
Then to yourself and take those deep
breaths and allow yourself to really
feel them in the belly and, and let
them go because, I've been using a
lot of that the last couple of days
since I have felt less patient.
And, I just feel like I haven't
been, I haven't been my best, I
haven't been my best version of, of.
Being a mom, I feel like I've been
letting just my kids down, you know,
because I'm so tired that when I get
home from work, I am, more apt to just
kind of say, Hey, you gotta let me chill.
You know, go up and maybe lay down
for a second, or whatever it may be.
And maybe a little bit more
screen time than normal.
I'm not crazy about it, but I
am, I'm pretty, my, my, my screen
time limits are somewhat strong.
My son is 10.
He does not have a phone.
He's like one of the only kids in his
class that does not have a phone, which
I, I don't hear about all the time.
But he does bring it up, you
know, when am I gonna get one?
And I say, we'll have the conversation,
we'll talk about it at 12.
Which at that point, like, they're not
gonna have social media, either of them.
You know, I just, I don't know.
We grew up without one.
I just think that there's,
there's no reason at this point
that, that they need to have one.
But, you know, he's got a tablet . So when
you're not feeling a hundred percent as a
mom or as a human, sometimes it's easier
to just be like, watch a show or let me
put on a movie and I'm just gonna go kind
of lay down and rest and, and I think.
You know, we have such a hard time as
women in general, let alone mothers,
of allowing ourselves to do that
and do it without feeling guilty.
The last day I was home sick,
like I mentioned, but not totally
sick, just enough that the
kids had gone back to school.
And so I needed one more day by
myself without taking care of
another human for me to just be on
the couch and not get off the couch.
I wasn't vomiting, I didn't have a fever.
I was like, it was back and forth
between that could I go to work?
But something feels just a little bit off.
And Britt finally, I called him
and he was like, you need to stop.
Like you need to make a decision.
And this is what men are good
at that we're not good at.
He's like, if you decided to stay home.
I had my girl, Amelia, come in the shop.
It was my day to work, and he's
like, if you're gonna stay home.
You need to stay home and just
let yourself be home, be on the
couch, not feel bad about it.
Get out of your head, not spend the
entire freaking day obsessing about the
fact that you're home and you should
be at work, or you should be doing all
these other things because how does
that accomplish what you're trying to
accomplish, which is giving yourself rest
because your body may be staying there,
but then your mind is going into this.
Anxiety state that fight or flight that
we constantly do and beat ourselves up.
So it's like, you know, here I am
this week on the podcast, not really
knowing like a central topic of what
I wanted to talk about, but going,
wow, I've felt so good for so long.
I feel like I've really
been in my freedom.
I've been feeling amazing, and then
all of a sudden just getting sick.
In the holiday seasons, having that
throw me for a loop now, having this
terrible mom guilt, not getting the
decorations up on time, not spending
all the time with my kids, leading to
a fight with my husband yesterday, not
getting all of the things checked off
at work that I'm supposed to be doing.
It's like that easy to kind of just fall
off for a minute of allowing yourself,
the grace, I go back to that word
of giving yourself grace, and I
think that that's what we need to
remind ourselves to do so often.
And not having the ability to escape.
You know, those moments where I think
about, you know, okay, before if I
had a drink or if I went home and I
smoked some pot, I could just turn
my brain off and allow myself to just
get outta my head for a little while.
But I remember that that
only makes things worse.
It only for me, perpetuates just
what I'm, what I'm putting off.
It's still better to be fully
in my knowing of whatever
I'm feeling to name it.
To acknowledge it, to sit with
it, to allow it to breathe,
and then to move forward.
So if you are struggling at all right
now with sobriety or dabbling with not
wanting to drink, and there's so many
parties and there's so many gatherings
and, and events and it feels like alcohol
is in your face at every single turn,
here's a couple suggestions for you.
Something that I know really
helps me at the beginning.
First of all, I love an upfront contract.
So if you let people know before
you get to the party, hey.
I'd love to come.
Just so you know, we can only
make it for about an hour and you
don't have to give a reason why.
That's the clincher.
Okay.
That is the money piece, is that
we always, and I did this for
so long, I was like, what reason
can I give, and I'm not a liar.
I don't like lying, so I'd always
be like, what would sound like the
most authentic reason that we'd have
to leave after an hour that nobody
could argue with or blah, blah, blah.
But if you get to the party.
Then an hour in, you try to leave.
That's when people are gonna
be like, oh, come on, no fun.
Or, where are you going?
What do you have to do?
If you tell 'em beforehand,
Hey, I'm coming.
Thank you for inviting me.
We're excited and I'll see you there.
But just so you know, we can
only stay for an hour, but can't
wait, and we'll see you there.
And then you're like, Hey.
Thank you so much for having us.
Remember I told you unfortunately we gotta
get going and they already knew upfront
contract that you were coming for an hour.
So.
An hour is manageable, like you
can handle that or maybe, maybe two
hours, maybe you're good with that.
Whatever your timeframe is, think about
that and give the expectation ahead
of time so you can avoid that awkward,
uncomfortable conversation and feeling
within yourself where you're kind of
like, Ooh, I gotta like now let them know
that I gotta go and how do I do that?
And I feel weird, and blah, blah, blah.
The other thing is if you don't want
somebody asking you about having a
drink, just automatically go to the bar.
I loved, loved at the beginning.
Give me your biggest,
fanciest, oversized wine glass.
Fill it with ice, soda,
water, and a bunch of oranges.
Okay.
Not lemon, not lime, but oranges.
And squeeze them in there and you
can even put a straw in there.
People think you're drinking
like a sangria or something.
And then when someone's
like, oh, do you wanna drink?
I'm good.
You just hold it up.
You've already got one in
your hand and it feels pretty
I threw away all of my.
Glassware when I first quit drinking,
and that was one of my things, like
I used to collect, I remember like
the Crate and Barrel outlets, pottery
Barn, like I was a glassware whore.
I loved all the pretty martini glasses
and even the cool shot glasses and the
wine glasses and the champagne flutes,
and I just would have them always
on display even when I was younger,
Well, when I stopped drinking,
I didn't wanna look at them,
so I got rid of all of them.
Why Kirby?
Why it was such a.
Bonehead move.
Um, so I've started slowly buying myself
some pretty wine glasses again, because
once in a while it's nice just to have
a sparkling water in a wine glass.
Or, you know, this past Thanksgiving
I did have a non-alcoholic.
A champagne, just one glass.
It's a lot of times it's still
too, just too much sugar for me.
If I'm gonna do the calories, to be
honest, I'd rather have it in like an
extra side of green bean casserole or
like three helpings of pumpkin pie.
I don't need it in the, in
the non-alcoholic champagne.
That's not gonna get me buzzed.
But, if I am, I do want it in a nice.
Glass champagne flute.
So I say that there's no reason just
because you are not drinking, that you
don't get to have the pretty glass.
So if you order the soda water
and they go to put it in the pint
glass, like let them know can you
put it, do you have a wine glass?
Can you put it in there for me?
So that's something else
around the holiday season.
Or any season if you're going
somewhere that you just don't want
that pressure of do you have a drink?
But I think the biggest one is that
expectation of what time you do
have to, you do have to go home.
And remember, you don't have to go either.
If there's something, you know, we
have so many things that we feel
like we are obligated and sure.
Maybe.
You know, your spouse's company holiday
party or your best friend throws a party.
Um, and you feel like
you need to go to those.
But again, just give yourself time
management and for the ones that are on
maybe the peripheral, if you're like, I
don't really know if I want to go to this,
but I feel like I have to, for some reason
or another, just listen to your body.
Always, I always say that.
And if for some reason it doesn't
feel like a fuck yes, it's a hell no.
Remember And not a hell no.
In a way of like, we don't like
you or screw you or whatever,
but just it's a hell no.
If something's telling me that I need to
honor myself and that's not what I want
to be doing this evening, or I can't go to
three parties this week, four parties this
week, even when I remember I was drinking,
you know, sometimes you've got 3, 4, 5.
Christmas holiday parties,
you know, in one week.
That can get especially exhausting.
So be okay.
Prioritizing what makes sense for you
and just remember, give yourself grace.
Always, always, whether it's being
a mom, being a partner, being in the
holiday season, we all have times
where we're feeling overwhelmed and
life feels a little bit unmanageable,
and I know that I am feeling that
right now, but I will get through it.
I'm in the opposite place of where I
wanna be at this moment as I put this
podcast out into the world, my pathless
card this morning, but I know that.
Part of finding my path
again, is by acknowledging it.
There's so much, um, shame or we're taught
to have shame around, you know, when we
do feel sad or have a depression bout or
an anxious bout, or whatever it may be.
And I think just naming it and saying,
Hey, this is what I'm feeling, and letting
people in your life know that as well.
I, I told my kids that the other
day I was really not being.
I wasn't being that nice and I'm such
a, I, I pride myself on being a really
nice mom and loving and affectionate
and I was just kind of snapping and
being really just quick to anger and,
I just said, man, you know, can I
just tell you guys I'm really sorry?
I don't feel good.
I don't, I don't.
Feel a hundred percent.
And I don't mean to be this way
to you, so I'm really sorry.
And I think it's better if I kind
of keep my distance a little bit.
I love you.
You haven't done anything wrong, but I
just, I can't control myself right now.
And I think when we name it, not only to
ourselves, but we name it to the other
people in our lives, especially our kids.
'cause then we give them
permission to also be human.
Because I know I tell my kids all the
time, my son Hudson, I see it in him
sometimes he'll have like a sadness.
And I had this for a lot of my
life and where you just didn't
know where it came from, you know?
And um.
It's frustrating because you
don't know when you have a moment
where you're like, well, I feel
this way, but I don't know why.
And we're supposed to know why, but
sometimes we just don't know why.
Sometimes we just don't feel good.
We're just not in a good mood.
So being able to say that to your
children or your partner or your best
friend is like, there is power in that.
There's power in owning it for yourself,
but owning it for the other person
of just, you know, expressing like.
I'm being a bitch right now
and I can't help myself.
That's not what I said to my kids,
but pretty much 'cause I was.
If you're also out there doing all the
hard things sober, feeling all of the
feels, having the guilt, having the ups
and the downs, maybe getting sick and
trying to just get yourself back into
life and, and realigning your focus
and getting back into your routine.
Remember.
Discomfort isn't a sign
you're doing it wrong.
It's a sign you're doing it
right because you're in your
knowing, you're in your body.
You're honoring it always.
I hope you give yourself grace.
I hope you breathe and All we can do.
Is strive to be a better version
of ourself today than we were
yesterday, and if today we're
not feeling it, just say it.
Thanks for listening to Behind the Blonde.