Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Welcome to The Overflow—the bonus round of faith and real-life conversation with Brandon and Susan Thomas. Every week, they unpack the powerful insights, behind-the-scenes experiences, and personal reflections that didn’t quite fit into Sunday’s sermon.
This is where the conversation gets practical, honest, and a little bit unscripted. Whether it's an encouraging word, a deeper dive into Scripture, or a hilarious moment from their week, Brandon and Susan bring fresh perspective and spiritual fuel to keep you going.
It’s real talk, fresh takes, and full hearts.
These are the conversations too good to cut and too real to miss.
Welcome to the overflow. And today, it's fun. We're throwing a little curveball as we take your Q and A. We said, hey. Throw us your biggest questions about marriage.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:We love building marriages.
Speaker 2:We do. And we're in a marriage, so we are we so are growing with you definitely together. God's so good to grow us. But these are important questions. And and some of the things that you sent in, I mean, they were from the heart, and they are deep, and they are real places of pain, and also just places of wanting to grow, and so we're excited.
Speaker 1:Yes. So I am the keeper of the questions.
Speaker 2:You are the keeper.
Speaker 1:And there is a lot of pain in here, truly. It it's it's heartbreaking, but this is where we are. This is where people are. We've had our things that we've had to work yeah. And, let's just kick off by something I saw a couple or a few times, and, this is one that wrote been married seven years to my husband, and used to have a close relationship with my mother-in-law.
Speaker 1:Now I've allowed bitterness and resentment to creep in after years of hurtful things under the guise of good intentions. How do I pursue redemption for this relationship when my default is to pull further away?
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:This is tough.
Speaker 2:Well, this is not abnormal. This is there's so much of what we're gonna talk about are patterns. I believe there's just so many patterns that are consistent in different packaging and in different people and in different families, but the patterns tend to be the same. Right. And I believe in law relationships are exhibit a.
Speaker 2:So when we talk about relationships with our in laws, I am, first of all, so thankful that whoever wrote that in, you're already self aware. It sounds like the holy spirit has already been speaking to you, making you aware of this trap of bitterness or resentment that you've fallen into. And going big picture, really not limited to in law relationships, anytime unforgiveness is left unattended to, there's this resentment trap that turns into a bitterness trap that turns into a deadly trap.
Speaker 1:We've decided we're going to do a whole overflow episode on the power and the danger of bitterness.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:It's that big of a topic.
Speaker 2:Right. And the bible talks about it clearly that watch out for that poisonous root of bitterness, the bible says, that grows up to defile many. That poisonous root, it grows up inside of our heart. And what's wild about bitterness and unforgiveness is we think it's directed at the person that we perceive offended us, but the bible said it's not limited to that person. That it's it's something inside of our souls and our hearts that becomes so sick that it grows up inside of us and defiles many of our relationships.
Speaker 2:It changes who we are. And so the first thing I would say to the person who wrote that is well done for acknowledging it. And now learn to understand bitterness as a bigger concept, and then you'll see how it's applying in the relationship with your mother-in-law. And your your mother-in-law is a person. She's fallible.
Speaker 2:She's broken like you are, like I am. She may have her own flavors of how that brokenness when it's when it's active comes out, and it and it impacts you. But we've gotta be people who develop the art of forgiveness and keeping a short, short list of offense.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Early on, we made a decision when it came to our in law relationships. We made a decision that early on, we would be the peacekeepers, the peacemakers, not the pot stirrers. We were committed to that, that we would not be the problem. We would be the solution.
Speaker 1:So over all these years, and a lot of life, and you have two families crashing into each other, and this is part of the struggle with the in law complexity, is number one, if you came from a family unit that was deeply dysfunctional, then it has not been modeled for you how to handle these things. Or if, that could be the same for the spouse. You came from a very healthy, and they did not. Or option number three, you're just two different families. You came from two different families of origin.
Speaker 1:You're trying to craft your identity as the two shall become one, and the Bible does say, leave and cleave. You are to leave your father and mother, and you are to join together with your spouse. By the way, we're gonna use the word wife, husband, and spouse. We're not using the word partner, okay? Marriage is so much bigger than a partnership.
Speaker 1:We use the word partner in our culture because marriage isn't, has been devalued in our culture. So we won't be using the word partner. Although you are partners, but that's the bottom level. You're in covenant with one another. That being said, so just acknowledge that this is such a big deal because everybody faces this.
Speaker 2:Yes,
Speaker 1:exactly. Take the weight off that you're unique or it's just you. This is a reality. And so just decide, like you just decide, hey, everybody faces this, this is like being human, and I'm going to fight for this to be a good relationship.
Speaker 2:Another thing I would share is early in our marriage, when I entered into your family, there was two words that I just felt God put on my heart that this is the kind of daughter-in-law I pray to be, is that I'm a person who's a healing balm.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So wherever there's a spot that needs healing, I don't pour more sickness onto that spot. I God, let me be a part of the healing balm. Let me be a part of someone who steps into those moments, and and I'm a healer, not a herder. And so that's one thing you I just would think is a great prayer for any daughter-in-law or son-in-law to pray is that, God, use me. Here's the interesting thing.
Speaker 2:When you begin to look at relationships through the lens of God's kingdom vision and mission, then we go back to the great commandments. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. That's the mandate. Those are the two great assignments. And so when it comes to love your neighbor as yourself, I believe the closest neighbors in all the world is family.
Speaker 2:Starting with your spouse, which we're gonna talk all about today. Starting with your spouse, but then immediate family, those are people that God is the one who chose those people. So if you view them as part of God's mission for you on earth, rather than only how do they help me or how do they inconvenience me or how do they annoy me where it's me, me, me, me, see the me, see the common? And that's our default. I'm just telling you.
Speaker 2:Me too. It's our default to think about our life and our comfort. But when you change it and you say, God, I wanna have a kingdom vision that you have given me an assignment on earth, and I wanna carry it out well in Jesus' name, and love people well, even people when they're hard. I wanna love them well. It changes.
Speaker 1:This question came up, a few times, so this is a real deal. I'd say you need to orient your expectations. You need to clarify your expectations. You need to say, Okay, who am I working with? They're in my life.
Speaker 1:Who am I working with? First of all, worst extreme, this is a very toxic, dysfunctional person. By that I mean abusive. And by that I mean not say physically to be around. Could be physically abusive, could be verbally abusive, and by verbally abusive I mean cussing in front of the kids and demeaning.
Speaker 1:These are extremes that are out there, but I think far more of us, we call toxic what, toxic is just an easy word to throw around. It could just be difficult.
Speaker 2:Yeah, toxic is a conversation ender. Yeah. At that point, you really have nowhere else to go if we just label, boom, they're toxic.
Speaker 1:Or narcissist, or, yeah, unhealthy. And look, what this looks like is you gotta know who you're working with, and not just the worst of them. Actually, that doesn't help you at all. You've gotta identify, okay, who is this person? How did God make them?
Speaker 1:I wanna see them through the eyes of God. I wanna see them through the eyes of Christ. They are valuable to the point that Jesus died on the cross for them if they were the only person who ever lived. And maybe specifically, how do they receive love? Do they love words of affirmation?
Speaker 1:Do they love extreme acts of affection? You know, what I'd say is, just start meeting them at the point of their thirst, and just be a giver. We have a philosophy, that is give first. I think part of the problem is, she may be waiting on you, or he may be waiting on you, and you're waiting on them, and you're both waiting for the other person to initiate extravagance. And really, what I believe is, just be verbally generous.
Speaker 1:Have acts of generosity. Give gifts, just move in their direction in a way that would make a big difference.
Speaker 2:I don't know if there were any other questions on in law relationships, but if there were, I'd love to hear one. But as you're looking, another thing, a tip, if if you will, some advice, some hopefully wise counsel, would also be when it comes to in law relationships, but also any relationship, especially marriage, don't fall into the motive trap. There's so many relational traps, and trying to assign motive is very, very dangerous. Now the bible does say we will know them by their fruits. So there's fruit on the tree, and sometimes the fruit is really sick, and it's diseased, and it's stinky fruit.
Speaker 2:And we can know that that's not coming from the the holy spirit of God. That's coming from a different place. But even there, just be so careful in not being a person quick to identify motive. Well, she's just doing that because she's trying to manipulate me, or she just said that because she's passive aggressive and taking a dig at me. Just it it is so it's a wonderful place to live where you're hard to offend.
Speaker 2:That's another great prayer. God, will you make me hard to offend? I pray that you would make me so hard to offend that actually when someone's intentionally trying to offend me, I don't realize it. That is a great space to live in.
Speaker 1:Here's another angle on it, and then we'll move off of this topic. How do we set boundaries with parents and extended family early on? And let's hit this topic of boundaries. It's funny, the author of Boundaries recently came out said Henry Cloud. Yeah, Henry Cloud, he said, You guys have taken this way further than what I ever intended.
Speaker 1:Boundaries has, that concept of boundaries has empowered cut off culture, and that is not why he wrote the book. I remember reading the book after experiencing the culture of boundaries, and I read the book and I said, Man, what they're doing is not what he wrote. Wow. And boundaries, in its best sense, is there's always a door of love. Boundaries are awesome in the sense of boundaries create culture.
Speaker 1:This is who we will be. This is who we will not be. Culture is created by design or default. Boundaries are design. Boundaries is a very negative way of saying it, but what I would say is culture.
Speaker 1:What's gonna be the access? And sometimes those boundaries don't need to be spoken. Sometimes you just kinda say, hey, you know what? We're not gonna be over there every single night. And just as a couple, you decide, we're not gonna spend every single day with one side of the family, and zero days with the other side of the family.
Speaker 1:You don't have to have a big family meeting with both sides to discuss that. Maybe you and your spouse come together and say, Hey, I think we're a little imbalanced. I think we're a little favoring one over the other, and we need to find a good rhythm between the two. One way is just opening the channels of communication with your spouse, and it doesn't have to happen with the others. The other is, like I said, I would find a way to love that person.
Speaker 1:Look for the yes. How do I find a yes? Are you only seeing the no, no, we won't, no, no, no? Look for the yeses. Yeah, for sure, let's go do that.
Speaker 1:You know, and it may be a little inconvenient, but you have a few no's over here, let's look for the yes. Yeah. How would you build on the boundaries?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, well, and that's a big topic. That word, it does rub me wrong. I think it's because exactly what you just said, culture has done such a a number on that word and created this, really, this concept. I think it's very when we get very full of ourselves and pride driven as though we are on the seat of the throne of our life and we decide who gets to come in and who gets to come out. That kind of mentality just again, it's completely opposite of a kingdom vision.
Speaker 2:And so having a kingdom vision of God, you've given me an assignment on earth to love you well and love people well. Rather than operating in your in law relationships boundary driven, operate love driven.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Love driven. God, how do I love my in laws well, And how do I also love my family, immediate family now, my spouse, and any children that he's blessed us with? How do I love everyone well? And it goes back to, well, why don't we look at what the bible says how to do that? There is a true design for a husband and wife to leave and to cleave.
Speaker 2:That means that there is now a new priority relationship. And so protecting that priority relationship is very, very important. At the same time, we're sub to submit one to another. So when I have interactions with my in laws or with my extended family, am I do I even have the thought in my mind of how can I submit my will in this situation? Now I'm not saying you submit yourself to abuse, as you've already said.
Speaker 2:We're not talking about those extreme. That's a different kind of necessary boundaries.
Speaker 1:It's a different conversation.
Speaker 2:It is a different conversation and there's a space for that conversation.
Speaker 1:Like say that your in laws are raging alcoholics, you're not gonna let them keep the kid.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That's a boundary.
Speaker 2:And that's a real boundary. Yeah. But then you ask yourself, what can we do? Yeah. Do you always have that follow-up?
Speaker 2:What can we do? Yeah. How can we love them? You know, it breaks my heart when I hear young families say, yeah, we haven't talked to my mom in two years.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's it's heartbreaking. That should be such a rare, rare situation, yet it's prevalent.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh.
Speaker 2:And even though it's painful, pain is not the marker for the boundary. I don't believe pain as it stands by itself is the marker or discomfort or even preference. It's a question of, obviously, if there's safety at risk, that is a different kind of boundary. But beyond that, it is God, send me. Send me as a as an ambassador of Jesus and of your love, and give me discernment.
Speaker 2:This requires being in the presence of God to hear his voice so we have discernment.
Speaker 1:It does.
Speaker 2:But when those in law relationships begin to threaten the relationship with you and your spouse, you gotta go back to ground zero. God, okay, help me with my husband. You know, help me with my wife. Help us get on the same page. What is the Lord calling us to do?
Speaker 2:Make sure we have hearts that does, like you said, don't have a scale tipped where it's always my family and never yours.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That that's broken. That's not that's not best.
Speaker 1:Okay. In laws. Yeah. We we hit that. There's another big category, multiple, multiple questions on sex before marriage, sexual purity, sex and dating.
Speaker 1:There's all kinds. Here's one. Thoughts on sex for divorced or those who are widowed? And I'll go ahead and let me give you a very nuanced, complicated answer on this very nuanced, complicated question, and here it is. Let me just collect my thoughts.
Speaker 1:No. It's really that simple. No. You're divorced, you're not in a marriage, you're not having sex. You are widowed, that's not a, Oh, well, you know, I'm widowed, so now I can have sex.
Speaker 1:This is not God's design. God's design for sex is very, very clear, and it is man, woman, inside of marriage. You say, Well, what about, I have physical needs. I went years and years with that need being met, and now I'm divorced, or that need being met, and now I'm widowed. And I don't want you to hear my curt answer as insensitivity.
Speaker 1:Honestly, this is one of the great opportunities for the local church is to partner with people who are widowed, partner with people who are divorced, and walk with you through this because it's a real loss. You know, that part of the intimacy and affection, it's a real loss. And we would love the honor of walking with you as a church through that. But that said, because it's a profound loss does not open the door that God's okay. Hey, God and I have a deal.
Speaker 1:None of that. This is truly now a door that is closed until such time as you remarry.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I'm so glad you said your heart because I also share just the heart of first saying that that's really hard. That's a really hard place to find yourself in in life. At times, there's circumstances that happen that we never anticipated. And so we find ourselves in in those moments.
Speaker 2:And even in the hardest moments where we've experienced loss, we still have to go back to, God, you're a good God with a really good plan. Yeah. You're a good God, and you still have a good plan for my life. Plans not to harm me, that a hope and a future for me. And so you've gotta remember who God is truly and that his plan is good.
Speaker 2:It reminds me, you've I've shared this with you before, of a story. We were dating. I was in one of my first jobs out of college and working with a bunch of, you know, medical professionals at the time. And there was a doctor, a young doctor, who had lost his wife to sickness. And I'll never forget, we've become friends, colleague friends, both of us single.
Speaker 2:And he began to share with me how he believed that God would give him a hall pass because he knew the pain that he had suffered. And he was talking about his dating life, talking about, you know, that he knew he was, you know, having sex outside marriage. But and he he was a self proclaimed Christian, you know, says he believed in Jesus. And that was his belief is that God gave him a hall pass. And what's so sad about that mentality and why this question's honestly so important is that that mentality reveals what we think about God and what we think about sin.
Speaker 2:It reveals it. It reveals what we think about God. It assumes that God is the God who holds out on giving us pleasure. That God, his design and his way is somehow less than when it comes to experiencing pleasure. And then it also assumes that we don't know how grave the danger is of sin.
Speaker 2:And so if we think, oh, God's given me a hall pass, what that means is is that now God wants me to have fun. And because I hurt so bad, they say he's gonna let me have this fun. What we don't realize is actually the the whole reason God gave us law and gave us design is he knows what brings us ultimate pleasure and what will ultimately
Speaker 1:God doesn't reward you with sin.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:God rewards you with intimacy with him. Here's another one, and that is, what is the best way to reset the boundaries in dating if you've already crossed the line physically? It's a constant question among students and young adults and really anybody that's in that dating scene. And that is that if we've crossed the line physically, what do we do now? How do we reset it?
Speaker 1:The truth is this, that depending on which lines have been crossed, the severity of those lines will reveal the severity of those boundaries. The most severe would be we need to break up. This relationship cannot flourish in this environment. We need a break. And we've counseled college age students in this way, very difficult conversations where it's like, look, you have crossed the line in a way that you are not equipped to know if this is the right person now.
Speaker 1:You have introduced the foundation of your house is forever broken together. So you need time apart to build a foundation with the Lord, and then if God brings you back together, then it was meant to be. And God will bring you back together if it's meant to be, but there needs to be time with the Lord apart. And we've seen couples who took that advice, and they went and found the love of their life that was not that original person. They would have spent the rest of their life filled with regret and tied together by that bond that is a counterfeit kind of bond because it's not in God's design.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I wanted you to go back to that part because the reality of sex and God's design for sex is that it creates this powerful bond. And so when that bond happens outside of covenant, so you don't have covenant bond, the marriage bond, but you have covenant attachment through the sexual encounter, that clouds the vision of the people dating. Could you talk more about that?
Speaker 1:Yeah. It's like the metaphor that has meant a lot to me and and to others that we've helped, and that is the foundation of the house. Okay, when you're dating, and this is another big question, what's the purpose of dating? How do we date? I'll just go ahead and slip this one in.
Speaker 1:When you're dating, you're building a house that should one day become marriage. And as you're building that house, you determine we're not on the same page in the architecture. The blueprints are not the same, or our preferences are so different. You want colonial, and I want abstract, modern, crazy house over here. And we're just not compatible.
Speaker 1:We can't build a house together. You build it over there, and I'll build mine over here. That's what the dating process does, but the purpose of dating is to discover, are you my forever spouse? Dating, I made this mistake whenever I was young. By the time we met, I had moved on from this mistake.
Speaker 1:I finally got it. But when I was young, I don't know how I picked this up, but I used to think dating was just for fun. We would just date for fun, and I could have been more wrong. Dating builds a house. When you have intimacies, when you have sex before marriage, you have utter took a jackhammer to the foundation of that house.
Speaker 1:You cannot build on that foundation. You cannot build on the intimacy that you shared, the physical intimacy that you shared there. You cannot build on that, and I almost every time will recommend that the couple take a break.
Speaker 2:You're talking specifically about sexual intercourse.
Speaker 1:Yes, sexual intercourse. That the couple take a break because of the power of those bonds, you cannot see things you need to see. The bond, physical bond, is clouding you. It creates a connection that if you didn't have that connection, you'd see things about the other person. You'd say, we're not compatible.
Speaker 1:But the physical connection so clouds that judgment and keeps you tied together. And notice I haven't mentioned anything about how difficult it is not to fall into it again. That's another thing is almost every single time without a breakup, or without a separation, you fall into it again and again, and your relationship is filled with shame and regret. It's just bad fruit, so I advocate a break.
Speaker 2:Yeah. When it's that when it's when you cross that ultimate line. And the reality is is that most of us, we struggle in this area when we're in dating. I mean, this is a real common battle. And so to the couple who's fighting that battle right now, and maybe you haven't crossed the line of of sex, but you've done all kinds of things leading up to it or or you mess up and then you do great, then you mess up again, is don't give up fighting the good fight.
Speaker 2:This is a good fight. Purity is a good fight, and there's a million reasons why. Number one reason is it's the way we love God. God even says, blessed are the pure. They're gonna see God.
Speaker 2:We wanna see him, his presence, and impurity clouds our vision and our and it impedes our connection with our God. So it's seeing and loving God well, but also impurity doesn't stop when you say I do. The seeds that we're sowing today in our dating relationship will be the things grow in our marriage.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:And so if we can now begin to say, you know what, I'm gonna have to deal with my sin either way, how about I start with together as a couple and dating, we deal with it now so that as we launch into that marriage, we're already in a stronger place. So it's big battle, but it's the battle worth fighting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and, okay, let's say that you haven't, let's say that you're in a situation where I would not recommend a break is necessary. This is a battle, you're both fighting, you've slipped here and there, and you're just like, Man, I'm just tired of this. How do we get victory? Let me give you some strategies for victory as you stay together. If you're to stay together, and you're just dating and figuring it out, I would say, first of all, you've got to share this struggle with someone else.
Speaker 1:It cannot be a person of the opposite sex. It has to be someone that is your gender, preferably somebody you can really trust. This could be an accountability friend. But it has to be someone that will really speak to you. It has to be somebody that will ask you questions.
Speaker 1:It has to be somebody that you value their opinion. Don't make your accountability partner someone that you never want to talk to. It needs to be someone that has influence with you, someone you disappoint want them. You care about what they think. You respect them.
Speaker 1:So I think inviting someone into the struggle would be helpful, and it would add weight. The second thing is you've gotta develop some clear ground rules for the way you will date. What time are we together? How tired are we? Is it late?
Speaker 1:Is everything else closed?
Speaker 2:And identify your no go zones. Where's our no go zones? You know? And speak them out loud to one another and don't get near them. I think over and over again, I go back to Joseph, the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife and how you can only imagine in the story if you've read or heard the story.
Speaker 2:Here's this man, Joseph, young. I mean, I'm sure he had a high sexual drive. That's the way God created us, right, and created him. And here's this beautiful woman throwing herself at him, giving him offering him her body. And the Bible tells us that the last time she did that, he ran out of the room.
Speaker 2:He didn't stop and say, let's have a conversation of why this isn't a good idea. He ran. Yeah. You've gotta decide where's our no go zone and where do we need to run?
Speaker 1:Okay, let's shift to inside of marriage. Here's a question, and I'm gonna give you two questions at once. Number one, how often should we be having sex in our marriage? And then during pregnancy, how often should we be having sex? Okay, first of all, I think it's the right question, how often?
Speaker 1:Not should we or should we not, but how often? Even if you're saying, Hey, during pregnancy. Now, first of all, we're no doctors. We're not coming at it from a doctor perspective.
Speaker 2:Yes, disclaimer.
Speaker 1:But we are coming at it from a scriptural perspective, and the Bible is clear in the letter to the Corinthians where Paul is giving sexual ethics, and he's talking about sex between Christian spouses. And he's saying, and again, I don't have it right here, but he's just answering the question as it comes at us. What he says is that you should only refrain, the only way that you stop having sex is if you, as a husband and a wife, come together and agree to not have sex, and the Bible says for a limited time.
Speaker 2:I pray.
Speaker 1:And that you are to pray during that time. And it's like a fast, but that fast needs to be a limited time, and then you come back together and enjoy the fruit of your relationship. First of all, to why are we having sex? Sex is an act, this is gonna blow some of your minds, but sex is an act of worship. Not worshiping the other person, but you're celebrating the gifts that God has given you.
Speaker 1:And that is the gifts between a husband and a wife. I know this is deep theology, but it really is. Anytime you operate in faith with the Lord, celebrating his good gifts and giving him glory for that, that is an act of worship. I am responding to your revelation to me. And so would you understand that God has created us, not just for procreation, but how beautiful for procreation, but God has also created us for delight and for pleasure?
Speaker 1:The book Song of Solomon is a book filled with delight and pleasure. You see the Apostle Paul talking about having sex. He's not just talking about procreation. This is delight and pleasure. And so for some of us, that needs to be a journey of faith.
Speaker 1:Maybe we've made mistakes, as we just mentioned. Perhaps it's just not fulfilling physically. Perhaps there's a lack of compatibility inside the marriage. All of these things need to be journeyed through in faith in a context of yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Absolutely. And and you're referring to just if you wanna go and read, we'd urge you to go read. First Corinthians chapter seven, I believe, verse one through five. Right.
Speaker 2:Go and read God. That's just a snapshot in God's design for sex and marriage. And it kinda goes back to the same principle I was talking about with in law relationships in the sense of, do I just live in a me? Am I at the center of my universe? Or am I living in God's kingdom?
Speaker 2:And I I have a kingdom mindset even when it comes to something so intimate as sex because that's the most intimate human act that the Lord has created for two people to experience, again, intended for a man and a woman in the covenant of marriage.
Speaker 1:How often though?
Speaker 2:Yeah. But how often? So when you understand that that's his design, then it's the question of, okay, my body again, in first Corinthians, it says this, my body does not just belong to me that I enter into a covenant marriage. Now my body is yours and your body is mine. And so it's a selflessness and a trust that this is good for our relationship, and it's good for for me.
Speaker 2:It's good for you. That is how God designed it. And so real practical, I could just say some things that over time as a counselor, even in our own marriage and just in talking to to many people that some some time stamps, if you will, that have been helpful. I've I've said for years that if you go past seven days, that should be a flag. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I just believe if you go past seven days and you've not had sex with your spouse, just let it be a a flag that you just take a look and say, hey. I I think, you know, I don't wanna go past that time. Well, then I heard pastor we appreciate was preaching on. She and her husband were preaching together at a marriage conference, and she had done a lot of research, honestly, on just the anatomy of of sex and of men and of just how the rotation is of just your bodies, how it got even created, the male anatomy and body. And I won't go into all that detail because I did not do that research.
Speaker 2:But the takeaway for me was about every three days, a a male's anatomy is created in such a way where there's a higher sex drive. Well, guess what? Guys didn't create that. Men didn't create that. God created that.
Speaker 1:Okay. I'm looking up this study. Let me go find this study real quick. Hang on.
Speaker 2:It's ridiculous.
Speaker 1:But it but it's true. I wanna be flipping through the pages of the book.
Speaker 2:Memorize it by five. But
Speaker 1:I did I memorized first Corinthians seven. That's for sure.
Speaker 2:Yes. You sure did. But that's there's something there where I think it's, again, a cycle of brokenness that many people get into. I mean, there's lots of forms of brokenness with our sexuality inside of marriage. But a common one is women resenting a man for his desire for sex.
Speaker 2:Now not always. We've got some questions in here that also represent women who desire sex and their husbands do not. And I believe there's a different thing at play often there. But I believe wives don't fall into that trap of resenting your husband's desire for you. Instead, be thankful that he chooses you.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I'm grateful that you choose me to be your partner on this earth and that those natural desires that God has put inside of you and even in your body, that that would be something where you commit that to me in a covenant and love me like that. And that's the attitude we should have with one another. And there's gonna be times that we're tired or that we don't feel it or that we don't want to. And some people are like, what do you do?
Speaker 2:Just fake it? You faith it. You faith it. F a I t h. Faith it.
Speaker 2:And that goes back to when you understand sex is ultimately, if done God's way Mhmm. Is an act of worship, it changes everything. It's not gonna obey you.
Speaker 1:And this isn't some tyrannical, the guy's always getting it kinda thing. The husband should also live, the Bible says, in an understanding way with his wife. And that's where the pregnancy question would come in. And I would say, as a husband, this is where it's so important that lust is not driving you. I think that it's very normal to have sex throughout pregnancy, but as a husband, my posture would be, again, we're past that season, but my posture would be, and I'd encourage for the men out there, that your posture should be, Hey, I am fine.
Speaker 1:I'm using this time with the Lord. I'm giving that drive to the Lord because I want to live in an understanding way. And, particularly as the pregnancy goes forward into those later weeks and months, whatever, you are living in an understanding way. And that is your journey with the Lord. And I encourage you, that's when you're in the word, that's when you're praying, and make a joy.
Speaker 1:And then after the baby is born, you know, you're living in an understanding way. This is why I tell men, it's so important not to be sexually active in your relationship before marriage. God's so practical. He wants your mind, soul, and body to be accustomed to restraint and self leadership. And it's kinda like just, you know, that's, hey, you gotta man up.
Speaker 1:You gotta man up. And man up is not pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. It is letting the spirit of God so indwell you that I'm fine with the Lord. I'm fine with the Lord. Now, hey, you have desires, but you're fine with Lord.
Speaker 1:Let me
Speaker 2:One other thing about that, just to speak to the woman who's pregnant. Again, I'm not a doctor. Ask your doctor. Everybody's body is different. But you can totally have sex while you're pregnant.
Speaker 2:You can absolutely do that. Again, talk to your doctor if there's issues.
Speaker 1:And talk together as a couple.
Speaker 2:Yes. Talk together as a couple, and you can go right up into your third trimester. I mean, look, everything is not comfortable at that point. Just love your husband well. My head.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying. Wow.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying. And again, ask your doctor if there's issues. But that's that's just the reality of when you're in a marriage and you just want to love God and love one another well, and it's not a tyrannical thing, it is just a love thing of how can I give to you and you give to me? It was just great blessing.
Speaker 1:And I'd like to address this on that topic, this as well. What do you advise to do when you're a Christian and your husband doesn't have any interest in sex, and you're unfulfilled? And it basically signs off sexless marriage. The first thing I would say is I would really investigate and really have a long, strong conversation with your spouse, with your husband, is there anything robbing our intimacy? And here's some robbers that are common.
Speaker 1:Number one, big, blinking red light pornography. Fantasy can so numb us that the live person that is right there in front of us doesn't do it for us anymore. You've so bought into the fake that you cannot tolerate the real. And, that's study after study, and it's very, very clear that that happens. And, so pornography may be robbing.
Speaker 1:And maybe even just something that you acknowledged. You allowed pornography in your marriage thinking, Oh, it doesn't hurt anybody, and kinda gets him, you know, over there. Let me tell you, never ever, ever should you allow pornography that needs to be repented of. It's a sin to confess before the Lord. So pornography, maybe even body health, like physically, you could be losing your drive because you're not taking care of the temple of the Lord, and the temple needs to get healthier.
Speaker 1:And there's just things physically happening that are not there. And again, I'd see the doctor about that and say, I've lost my drive. And, some places to look, are just how healthy are you physically? Something may not be working. And, this could be God's blinking light saying, get healthy.
Speaker 1:This is a sign that some that all is not well.
Speaker 2:Couple other things to really prayerfully explore, is there infidelity involved?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That can often be a reality is that there's someone else in the picture you may or may not know about. One that I've seen before, and this is more rare. I really do believe that pornography and someone else in the picture is probably the more prevalent.
Speaker 1:Huge.
Speaker 2:And then health can be an issue. But sometimes, I've seen this situation, there could be a trauma that happened to your husband. And it is the impact of it because it's not been healed correctly, is impacting sexual drive.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that that can be real too. So pray for your husband. Pray and and try to open up honest dialogue. These are very painful places where we need the spirit of God to intersect us. And what I would also say is do things to support you and your family.
Speaker 2:Be in church. Be around the things of God. Be in spaces where healing happens. At Keystone Church, are you coming to revival night where healings happen?
Speaker 1:Amen.
Speaker 2:And being in the around the people of God, the presence of God in your own personal life and around the body, it sets you up. It puts you, as my dad used to say, puts us in position for good things to happen. And so that's some of the places to start.
Speaker 1:Okay. I have one more I wanna hit. We've run out of time, but I wanna hit this. What's your opinion on long distance relationships? And then a second question, me and this guy have been dating for four months now, and I really like him, and it's a Christ centered relationship.
Speaker 1:He's going on a mission for two years. I am committed for waiting two years, but my question is, I know there are struggles when it comes to long distance. What is your best advice for long distance relationships? Let me say, this is, if you've been dating four months, and they're gonna be gone for two years, number one, what's your plan for connection over those two years? Are you visiting?
Speaker 1:Is he coming home? Are you going out there? You cannot spend two years away from one another. You're taking a two year break on your life, in my opinion. I'm not telling you what to do, because I could be proven wrong, but if you were my kid, and I was sitting here talking to you as my child, and you've been with somebody for four months, I would say, Hey, y'all need to have a loving pause on your relationship and be available to meet someone else during that time.
Speaker 1:Again, still communicating as friends. I'm not saying break up, but, I wouldn't want that for my kid.
Speaker 2:I would agree. I think in the rare case that you know that the Lord has spoken to you both, And that's a personal journey. And your walk with the Lord, that's gonna be unique. And I would look for wise counsel to help affirm that. That may be an exception.
Speaker 2:But just at first glance, sometimes it points to what we found is a confused view of dating even. And and, you know you know, where we just wait and we spend our time on focusing on other things, whereas we need to be available. If you desire marriage in your life, don't wait intentionally until you're 30 to start thinking about it. That's just
Speaker 1:This is one of the big things
Speaker 2:Not wisdom.
Speaker 1:We gotta hit on, and that is taking two years of your life during your prime dating years. Our culture is waiting too long, and I think in many cases, we're we're doing other things, we want to have fun, we want to do this. And, the fertility rate and the birth rate of our culture is just plummeting in the Western world. And, part of that is we're just waiting so much longer to consider having children, putting it off, putting it off, putting it off. And I'd say, man, to give up two years during that crucial season of being available.
Speaker 1:Again, you may be the unique person that, man, that really works. I know we, I had friends in college that dated long distance all through college, and it worked. And they're married to this day, and it's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It can absolutely work. Absolutely And I believe that's a situation with high communication, as much availability as you can, even though there's long distance. God has got to be so prevalent in both of your personal lives and evidence of that and the fruit that you can see, even though, again, that's difficult to see long distance. But all of those things absolutely align.
Speaker 1:And some of our kids have had long distance relationships and wonderful people and all that,
Speaker 2:but Right.
Speaker 1:But there's it's tough.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It it can be tough. Well, I know we're wrapping up. I do wanna just tie a bow on all of this conversation, particularly some of the heavy conversations about sex and just some of the mistakes that we may have made when we were younger or maybe we made last night. What I wanna say is God is so good that he makes a path for our healing, our forgiveness, and for hope.
Speaker 2:And so there is no mistake you've made that God cannot heal. You've not gone too far that now you're washed up and you can't have a healthy relationship. Our God is the God who redeems us, restores us. He makes us stronger than we've ever been before. And so wherever you are in your journey with dating, with relationships, with there's so many more questions that we hope to get to one day.
Speaker 2:But wherever you are, just know that when you run to Jesus, he makes all things new, and he heals the things that for human eyes seem impossible, but everything's possible through Christ. So we just wanna encourage you today to run to him with your shortcomings, your failures, your struggles, your questions, because he has answers and he has healing.
Speaker 1:Well, has been awesome, Susan. And honestly, we didn't get to even half or a third of the different question categories that are there. We'll have to do this again. Yes. We'll do another marriage Q and A.
Speaker 1:But for this one, thanks for joining us on the overflow. We will see you next time.