Ep 005: Parental Anger and Why It Happens

This week’s episode is a little vulnerable, a little more experiential and a little revealing of some of our personal flaws and stories. I received an email a few weeks ago from one of the parents on my newsletter list and it reminded me of something I’ve experienced and I’ve known many other parents to experience as well: something called “mom rage” or “parent rage” (because it happens to ALL types of parents and primary caregivers). I really wanted to do an episode on this because it’s something that a lot of parents also tend to feel alone in. Or we convince ourselves that no one else feels like this.  And that’s fair - because most of us don’t talk about it when we have those shame-inducing feelings toward our kids.  It’s hard to admit. 

So let’s normalize it.  Let’s bring it into the light so we can deal with it, heal it, and move forward with more skills for raising kids without trauma.  Thank you to my reader, for being so vulnerable and honest, and for allowing me to share this message with the parenting world!

Here is the link for the Emotions Wheel we discussed: https://www.visualcapitalist.com/a-visual-guide-to-human-emotion/

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Creators & Guests

Host

Jennifer Hayes

Host

Rick Hayes

NL

Editor

Natalie Long

What is The Relational Parenting Podcast?

Welcome to the Relational Parenting Podcast! I’m Jennifer Hayes – a Parent Coach and 20 year Childcare Veteran. Each week I sit down with my own father (and cohost), Rick Hayes, and discuss the complicated issues that parents face today, as well as some of the oldest questions in the book. From the latest research and the framework of my Relational Parenting Method, we offer thought-provoking solutions to your deepest parenting struggles.
Relational Parenting is an evidence and experience based parenting method created by me - Jennie. After 20 years in the child care world, in every scenario you could possibly imagine, I realized one thing: EVERYONE was prioritizing the behavior and performance of a child over their emotional well-being. This frustrated me to no end and when I re-visited the latest research, I realized there was a better way. I started applying the principles I'd been learning in my own self-work, parent-child relationships, and partnerships, and I started gobbling up all the new research and books I could get my hands on. When I saw the results of putting these practices into play with the children I was taking care of - the difference in myself AND the kids I worked with was ASTOUNDING.
I am SO PROUD to be presenting Relational Parenting to the world. I can't wait to hear about your own journey. From Parents-to-be to the seasoned parenting veteran - there's something here for everyone!

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and I remember this particular story because it was one of
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the only times that I have experienced the level of rage towards a child that I
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think that this mom might be talking about and um and it terrified me it it absolutely
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wrecked my own view of myself
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and who I am or who I was welcome to the relational parenting podcast I'm
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Jennifer Hayes a parent coach and 20-year Child Care veteran each week I
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sit down with my own father Rick Hayes and discuss the complicated issues that parents face today as well as some of
0:47
the oldest questions in the book from the latest research and the framework of my relational parenting method we offer
0:53
thought-provoking solutions to your deepest parenting struggles or in other words how to parent your kids without
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losing your mind or traumatizing theirs added bonuses include intergenerational
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wounding discussions and guest Child Care Experts we will also start taking your parenting questions in episode five
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so be sure to comment with your biggest questions or email me directly at Jenny
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jennyb dot Co let's get started happy Thursday everybody and welcome to
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week five of the relational parenting podcast this week's episode is a little
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vulnerable a little more experiential and a little revealing of some of our
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personal flaws and stories I received an email a few weeks ago from one of my
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parents on my newsletter list and it reminded me of something I've experienced and I've known many other
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parents to experience as well something called Mom Rage or parent rage because
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it happens to all types of parents and primary caregivers I really wanted to do an episode on this because it's
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something that a lot of parents also tend to feel alone in or we convince
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ourselves that no one else feels like this and that's fair because most of us don't talk about it when we have those
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shame-inducing feelings towards our kids it's hard to admit so let's normalize it
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let's bring it into the light so we can deal with it heal it and move forward with more skills for raising kids
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without trauma thank you so much to my reader for being so vulnerable and
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honest and for allowing me to share this message with the parenting world this week we are talking about parental
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anger some would call it rage it has been referred to as Mom rage
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um I don't like calling it that I think that every parent at some point or another experiences
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anger that comes from the depths of their soul and I wanted to talk about
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that this week because I received an email from
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a parent who uh reads my newsletter so I send out a Weekly Newsletter on Sundays this mom
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responded to one of my newsletters and I'm gonna read you guys that email and then we're gonna pull that apart and dig
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into that a little bit so good morning can I just say first and foremost I am so grateful to have read this this
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morning thank you sometimes as a single mom I struggle so much with feeling the
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weight of everything on my shoulders and this friendly reminder of we all struggle in parenting but we can do this
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is a good reminder I will most definitely be looking forward to reading your messages every Sunday morning now
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my son is four and a half going on 16 I swear he's so smart so independent and
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so stubborn I feel as though I am failing him in some ways because I know I have taught him unhealthy response
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mechanisms already when I get over stimulated I get angry and it's an anger I can't really explain
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and have never experienced before motherhood weird right but again I think
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that's because it all falls on my plate I work full time have a very demanding job one that requires me to log in
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sometimes in the evening after a full eight hour day was completed and as I type this I don't even know
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what the point of sending hitting send is because I just feel like it's me who
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can't figure this life out and it's tiring and frustrating so
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yeah so a lot of uh a lot of vulnerability in that email that I got
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and I was I was so grateful to this mom when she sent that to me that she opened
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up and um reached out and you know said what
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was on her heart and I was able to respond and and hopefully help a little bit in some way and also so
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glad that the newsletter was reaching people who needed to hear a little encouragement
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um that's pretty cool not good it's good to get some feedback I'll bet yeah so it's great to get feedback and it's
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great to have you know the sharing and I wanted to to
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share this because it also broke my heart it also you know there's whether you're a single parent or you are
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married or you have a parenting partner um in any of the millions of ways that
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can happen parenting can still feel very lonely and especially with the way that our society
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is set up we are no longer you know we no longer live in tribes or Villages or
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you know some parts of the world do but here in the USA um in First World countries developed
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countries it's very you know everyone has their own house everyone and it's just like at the nuclear family and you
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you know one or two adults live in the home and however many children and that's it and people barely even talk to
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their neighbors anymore and you know there's some some ways that
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people find community and maybe that's through church or through others parents at the school that your kids go to or
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whatever it might be but in in many ways and in most ways we are very secluded and very alone in our parenting Journeys
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and so loneliness can be a very real part of parenting
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nowadays and so that's one of the things that I saw in this email was that she
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felt like she was the only one who can't figure this life out and I think that
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that is a common feeling that parents have I know that it is I've talked to
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many parents and I know that it's a common feeling that a lot of parents have and can lead to almost like feeling
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like you're crazy or you're the only one that yells at your kids or you're the only one
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you know messing up and having to apologize or
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reading a parenting book and feeling like you just your lizard brain just
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takes over sometimes yeah so I'm curious did you ever
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experience that when you were parenting oh absolutely it's the nature
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of parenting we've talked before I mean you kind of have to figure it out as you go there are the world is the world or
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there are stresses and strains you have to do it in amongst that situation that the
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environment you know there's uh learning learning how to keep your environment
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steadier as steady as you can uh is part of the is part of the challenge as part
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of the learning curve absolutely did you do you remember feeling like
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do you feel like you had people other parents who were friends with whom you could exchange
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frustrations or stories not just in like a blowing off steam kind of way but in
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like an actual productive helping each other out with
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advice of like this worked for my kid or this didn't work or you know things like
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that do you feel like you had people people outside of the home that you could turn to I did but I was not
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primary caregiver um when you guys were little so I
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probably didn't do that as much I was very interested I mean when we went to a
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party or something I was always talking with the women about kids and relationships and things rather than
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Sports and you know cars and uh with the guys
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um to get that information at work you know from people but uh I probably did
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less of it as a as a dad that was working far from home so some but and I
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don't think it was as common come to think of it 30 years ago
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40 years ago when we were doing that when we were raising you guys as it probably is today yeah what wasn't as
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coming talking about parents yeah talking talk I mean when we would
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we had friends we would get together with um and we would certainly talk with some
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friends I guess it wasn't it wasn't like a casual conversation but there were people that we had relationships with
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and shared you know they were all raising kids too and we would talk about uh re you know strategies for raising
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kids and share things and and uh yeah yeah now that I think about it we did do
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quite a bit of that we had several couples that we socialized with you know we get
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everybody to get together at somebody's house and the kids would all play together and the parents would do
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whatever together and so those were good sharing times yeah do you
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did you ever have moments where you felt like either you didn't you you know you
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yelled or you did something like did you ever have a moment where you were like struggling at like to parent well
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and felt like you were the only one or like you know like
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everyone else had it figured out and knew what they were doing and you were the only one that felt like that I I
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remember a lot as we were raising kids thinking as I was raising kids that
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thinking that there should be a book you can read on this by now we've been you
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know human beings have been raising kids for a hundred thousand years or something and where's the manual I you
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know I have a question why can't I just go look this up authoritatively in this situation do
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that and of course life's not like that and there's too many variables kids are all different parents are all different
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yeah it's uh it is a a battle I saw
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somebody talking about the choice not to have kids on something I was listening
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to the other day and uh oh that was Chelsea Handler that's what it was you know here's what not having kids is like
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and it's like you know having the choice to have kids yeah you know yeah lady
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quick I was it aggravated me it's like yeah it's easy simpler is always easier
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you know that's not that's not why you have kids is or not have kids uh for
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simpler it's uh it's a circle of part of a circle of life thing and I don't sit
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in Judgment of anybody you know everybody's choice is different there's all kinds of reasons there's there's no
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judgment but um it is it is certainly a challenge and
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if you're doing it right it's very time consuming and it's not you know it's a needs to be
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needs to be something you devote devote yourself to and it's you're not gonna do it
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you're not going to do it perfectly all the time I guess is where I'm trying to get to you you have to give yourself you
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have to give yourself some Grace um to mess up and do better next time
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and just like you do with your kids and everybody else you know that's uh there
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are absolutely times where you're not proud of that yeah that's but absolutely it's it can be very frustrating and you
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know there's still bosses and jobs and financial issues and you do it in and amongst that that's kind of what you're
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teaching your kids to do is how to deal with that stuff yeah and I wanna so I wanna touch on
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some of that stuff is uh you know people who make a conscious choice to have children
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there's there's many reasons and situations that children come into the
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World by and so talking about the population of people who have chosen
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consciously purposefully to have children want to be parents want to
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guide a new spirit you know a new human on earth through through life
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um and some of the things that come along with that that my friend here in the
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email was talking about um who I also forgot to mention I asked
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her permission to share this email even though I was going to do it anonymously and she very
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very graciously said yes uh and so I just want to say thank you to that
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person for [Music] um being open to this story being shared
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with with the world to um hopefully help someone else who needs to hear it so some of the other things
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that I pulled from this email were specifically the the mom Rage or this
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anger that she says she felt she's never felt until motherhood and I think that
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um it's important to point out here that when you have children
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that is now a relationship and
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relationships the purpose of our relationships is one so that we feel
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connected and loved and supported and safe but the other purpose of a
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relationship either with a romantic partner with a friend or with your children is
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to be a mirror and to challenge you and to help you grow as a human being and
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they're going to shine a light on those pieces of yourself that are still easily
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triggered that are still full of anger or shame or wounding or whatever it
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might be that needs to come forward that needs to be seen that needs to be in the
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light so that you can become aware of it and work with it and hopefully heal
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it and become a more integrated being in your existence and move through
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your life feeling more peaceful and more centered and more calm and capable and
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so the that anger is a very natural part
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of the parent-child relationship and this is something I want to normalize for any parents that are listening
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because you there's nothing wrong with you and
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you are not a bad parent and you are not crazy and you are not incapable because
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you ha you have this anger because you you feel such frustration or high levels
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of rage towards your child and it's more common than you might think and so
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um that that anger can come from things like like your environment and being over stimulated touched out
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overwhelmed with just juggling life and keeping another human being alive or
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multiple human beings alive um feeling depleted and maybe your cup
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is completely empty you haven't done any self-care or maybe you don't have you
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know you don't have any good routines in place whether that's movement or healthy
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food or um whatever it might be and there's a lot of reasons that those things may not
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be in place it's not always just a choice it could be uh let's see
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so so the environment feeling overwhelmed feeling overstimulated being stressed out things things that just
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happen life is hard right so it could be coming from Simply a momentary lapse in
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Stress Management another place that it could be coming from is as a parent you are seeing your
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child's Behavior as disrespectful manipulative rude or otherwise being on
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purpose and whether it's that they're not listening to you or you're having to
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repeat yourself or um their
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arguing with you or maybe they're just screaming because they didn't get their
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way having a big emotion about something which you know we all know happens often
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um so the there's a part of that that is the
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fault of how we View our child's Behavior
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and if we are viewing it as on purpose rather than developmentally appropriate
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then we will respond to that child we will have a physical first we will have
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a feeling about what they're doing so we will have an emotion happen inside of us
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that becomes anger or frustration or Injustice or feels
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disrespectful I've been disrespected and then that in turn will cause your
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outward Behavior or your verbalization towards your child um and the third thing I want to touch on
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is that we take things so personally and we can see our child's Behavior as a
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direct reflection of how good or bad of a parent we are which by the way just
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eliminate those words from your vocabulary you are a parent and
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you are doing your best and as long as you are doing your best and you are not
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you know obviously abusing your child in some way intentionally um then we are going to set shame aside
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and instead of seeing our child's Behavior as you know oh well I did something wrong
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or I'm not good enough or I can't get them to listen
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um you know taking things personally will also cause shame and will cause a
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reaction inside of you and a behavior outside of you towards your child that
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is not aligned with what's actually going on with them and so those those
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three factors are things that I want to
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that we'll continue to talk about throughout this episode um but I want to go ahead and start with
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some story time let's see I was a nanny for many years and with one of my
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families that I worked with for
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almost two years I had been with them when the time this story happened I had been with them for about a year
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so I was settled in we had our routine you know I had a really strong bond and
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relationship with them and you know I had become a primary caregiver a primary
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attachment figure and a safe place and all of those things and
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I remember this particular story because it was one of
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the only times that I have experienced the level of rage towards a child that I
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think that this mom might be talking about and and it terrified me it it absolutely
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wrecked my own view of myself
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and who I am or who I was as a caregiver and a professional and a
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lover of children and all of these things yeah so the boy was about
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third he was three something so I'd been with him for a little over a year uh and
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we had baby gates up uh there were there were two staircases and so we had two
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baby gates on one on the stairs going down and one on the stairs going up uh
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so that you know no one could go on the stairs without a caregiver present and
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the the little boy kept uh he kept
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like he would he would stand on like the base of the baby gate and Shake It and I had explained to him
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you know 70 times that minute that you know please don't do that if you you
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know when you do that uh it shakes the sides loose and you could knock the gate over and get get really hurt
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um and he would listen and he and I would
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you know thought he was understanding and then I'd kind of go back around the corner to the kitchen and I would think
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I was fixing lunch or something or a snack for them but I was occupied and they were supposed to be playing in the
22:58
living room and you know once again heard heard the gate jiggling around the
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corner and came around the corner and said again like hey
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please go in the living room and play that's not safe and you know over
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I mean it was literally in like a less than five minute time span I think it happened like four or five times where
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and you know I was not setting the boundary firmly enough of like don't do
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that or I'm not going to let you do that anymore I was tired I
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was trying to get snack done or get dinner prepared or something and I was otherwise occupied and
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frustrated and just kept coming around the corner and being like stop doing that stop doing that stop doing that
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and the next the next thing that I heard
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was rattle rattle rattle slam and this was not this floor was a hard
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um tile and it was a raw material like rock like uh tile so it wasn't like
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shiny and smooth it was a rough um a very rugged kind of tile on the floor
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and these baby gates were metal they were not the plastic so they were they
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were all metal parts and um and so he shook it loose and it fell
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and it fell on top of him and made a very loud bang and so I came around the
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corner and my first thought was oh my you know oh my gosh is he hurt because it fell on him and he kind of
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like sprung up he jumped up and and seemed fine and took that like
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and then just kind of like started screaming and crying like and like he was terrified
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not like he was hurt and I and I was like oh my gosh like buddy are you okay
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and he was like yeah um I said are you hurt and he and he
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said and he said no and I was like I was like okay I was like did you get scared by the loud
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noise and he goes and he and he goes yeah yeah and he's still like screaming
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and crying or whatever and I said
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I said out loud to this terrified
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traumatized child I told you that's what was gonna happen
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[Laughter] told you so and I remember I just I just had like I
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just even telling that like admitting that out loud to the world just had I had a visceral reaction in my
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body of like tingles that just went down into my fingers and into my toes all the
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way like from my chest of of Shame because
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in that moment this this crying tiny terrified child
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instead of wrapping him in my arms and
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addressing his needs in the moment and helping him return to safety helping
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him regulate his nervous system and his Terror I
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shamed him yeah he's three you he doesn't know he acted
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out of uh out of your child rather than an adult caretaking when I reacted out
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of my ego and I reacted out of out of not Delight that's not the right word
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but out of like I felt Justified yeah like I like I knew that's what was going
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to happen I told you that's what was going to happen and now you know now you've learned and I felt
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I don't even know if justified's the right word but I was I felt righteous Vindicated Vindicated I don't know
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there's a lot of words flying around right now yeah and once he had calmed down and I had you
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know walked away and cooked dinner and whatever and I was driving home I cried
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the entire way home and I felt awful and I got home and
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I went to my partner that I was with at the time and I was I
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just was crying I was just bawling and just lost in shame and and he didn't
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understand and it took me a while to actually tell him the story because I
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felt so bad about it I couldn't believe like I I didn't want him to see that part of me that dark part of me that
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felt good doing that to something so tiny and vulnerable and yeah even for an
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instant even for yeah just a flicker of an instant and but once I told my partner about it
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once I once it was out there I it was like it was a it was kind of like
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a weight lifted off of me and I didn't feel quite so bad about it I still felt like I mean
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it like not that I then made it okay but I weight lifted off of me having
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admitted that to someone because as a as a nanny
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or as a parent you constantly feel the
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weight of their lives and their experiences and
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their emotions on you and to admit
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that no matter how good I was at my job how professional I was or how much I loved and adore children that I was
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still that there was still a part of me that was imperfect
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welcome to being a human being was it felt awful coming up and out but once it
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was out here oh it felt liberating
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and not and and I went back the next day and and that Liberation that admission
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and awareness of of what I did and and accepting that that that Darkness or
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that thing or that imperfection lived inside of me allowed me to go back the next day and
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I think at breakfast or something I said hey bud I was like you remember when the when that gate fell down yesterday
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um and how scary it was and he goes yeah you know that was so loud you know and
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he you know he's like being a three-year-old and I was like well I just wanna I just want to tell you that
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I'm really sorry that I wasn't more loving towards you when you were
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scared I'm really sorry that I said I told you that was gonna happen instead
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of I'm sorry that that happened to you and I'm here and you're safe
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and he goes oh okay and and that's great that's an apology
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but then I went on to say I went on to explain to him that
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even though I told you not to do it even though I tried to teach you that
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that's what was going to happen it is normal at your age
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to want to try things and learn them for yourself
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because otherwise he is going to walk away from that experience even with a
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heartfelt apology without explaining that to him and telling him that what he
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did was normal for him and not
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to be ashamed of it not to carry some kind of like I'm a burden or I don't
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listen or I'm bad to not carry that forward and internalize that from what I
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said inside of the experience it's it takes more than just an apology an
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apology is great it's a first step but then telling your child that it that
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what what they did was was normal and that's how we learn
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and that that was scary and I'm sorry that that happened to you because you can hold all of those things
32:07
all at once and there's in a lot of parenting that I have seen
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there is this feeling or fear that if you don't really drive
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the lesson home that a child learns when they don't listen to you then they're not gonna it's not gonna
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soak in and they're not gonna carry it forward and listen to you the next time and but your job in that moment
32:37
is not to drive it home and make sure the lesson sticks and that they feel all
32:44
that pain and carry it with them and next time they'll just listen to you blindly because they won't
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promise they won't because the nature of humans
32:55
is to try things for ourselves and learn things yep
33:01
test boundaries and that's your this is your this is your Velociraptor thing
33:08
no well sorta kinda yeah you know that's uh watching Jurassic Park there's a
33:16
scene uh where the where the I think it's the game warden is is saying and
33:21
they think they they're systematic somewhere in there there's they're systematically testing the fences and it
33:28
occurred to me that that's a perfect description of raising children I I just
33:33
I like to refer to them as little Velociraptors when they're doing that because they're always running around
33:39
checking the gate you know the other moral of the story there is as well we
33:45
need to put screws in the wall on the gate you know to you know in a perfect
33:50
world that's something they're all experiences we learned from and and
33:57
um you know what you were talking about feeling unburdened when you shared it
34:04
out loud you know that's that's the whole thing behind you know confession
34:09
or prayer or having a friend to share things with you know it you know when
34:15
you get it out then you've acknowledged it and now you now you've taken a step
34:20
towards dealing with it instead of you know just hiding it and covering it up and wearing it the rest of your life you
34:28
know it's it's uh something about the way we're made I'm sure there are better psychological explanations for it but
34:34
yeah that's a that's a that's a terrific story and growth all around and and now
34:39
also uh the little boys got an experience of somebody said something snarky to him as as he would have
34:46
processed that but also coming back somebody coming back and trying to
34:52
remedy that or whatever you know setting his expectations for how to be treated and I mean just all kinds of learning
34:59
going on in in that story all at all levels yeah well that's so that's a great uh
35:08
way to wrap up that story is that it was a it was a learning experience
35:16
um no one is perfect and so so the so the the gift of
35:22
imperfection I think that's actually a book title I think that's a brene brown book uh the gifts of imperfection I
35:29
think yeah I actually have it over there on my shelf um
35:34
the the gift of messing up and not being perfect as a parent as a human as being
35:42
in a relationship is that you get to see this side of yourself and you get to to
35:48
learn that that thing exists inside of you you become aware of it and then that's what
35:54
allows you to heal it and that's also what allows you to learn what is normal
36:00
for your child and what your child is going to do and the nature of children and like you said
36:06
to problem solve that it's not to try and bang into his head 300 times a day
36:12
not to shake the gate maybe the solution and he never did it
36:18
again by the way so that did teach him and he never did it again but we don't always want we don't want every lesson
36:25
that our children learn to be that traumatizing and that's scary and so a
36:32
solution that had been discussed a lot even before that happened and never happened
36:39
but um a solution to that moment is okay get more secure baby gates do what you
36:46
need to do so that the baby gates are no longer a safety issue nail it down baby yeah and it's like I I had a roommate
36:54
once when I was younger and my dog Lucy would she had a cat
37:00
and she would leave her bedroom door open and the cat food out on the floor and she would get mad if Lucy came in
37:08
and ate the cat food and then she tried to tell me that I had to buy her more cat food and I said we talked about this
37:15
when you moved in I have a dog if you leave food at her eye level or below or even up on the
37:22
counter you know it's literally in the lease so that it's in writing and understanding you
37:29
understand that's how far I had to go when I was getting roommates back then living with strangers crazy um I had to
37:37
write these things into a lease so that people couldn't whatever try to screw me over
37:43
all food on that counter or below is mine dogs is it the dog will get to it
37:49
and not not just like for them to not lose their food but to not make my dog
37:56
sick and yes there's a level of training she
38:01
did not receive when she was a puppy because I was broke and working and whatever I didn't have I
38:08
didn't train her she and even with reward and punishment she still gets on
38:13
the counter if you leave a pizza on the counter yeah nature of a dog
38:20
the nature of a dog to buy it right and so if you leave that
38:28
food on the floor her eating that food is your fault not hers
38:35
if you know that that's what she's going to do and you choose to do it anyway
38:41
it's your fault that your cat food got eaten not mine and it's your responsibility your responsible it's not
38:48
my responsibility my dog is not irresponsible frontal lobe thinking creature
38:55
she is an animal and she will do what she does and she's programmed to do
39:01
yeah so anyway children are the same children are programmed to learn about
39:08
their environment and the way they learn about their environment is by testing boundaries and pushing rules and
39:14
negotiating and thinking for themselves and trying new things and if we shame
39:19
them when they do that no matter how triggering it might be for
39:25
us if we shame them and we don't become aware of our own triggers become aware
39:31
of it fix it figure it out heal your stuff and get better or come back and
39:37
apologize and normalize it for your child then your child is going to grow
39:42
up feeling like they are nothing but a burden nothing but an annoyance or they are stupid and they just don't listen
39:49
and they're bad and all of these things they're going to internalize all of that snarkiness that you think is just like I
39:56
see parents too who just think it's like like start like like like reciprocal sarcasm
40:02
think it's and it's like your three-year-old doesn't understand sarcasm [Laughter]
40:08
they don't sorry they're little sponges there's almost nothing that you'd say or
40:13
do around a kid that's actually inconsequential yeah the gift of
40:19
imperfection is that we get to learn we get to grow we get to become aware and
40:24
get better and so the goal of this podcast is not necessarily is not to
40:30
shame any parents or tell you that there's you have to do it that's why or else you're a terrible person like none
40:37
of that it's to like to talk through all of these like multi-faceted issues and look at them from all these different
40:43
angles and um talk about where where that stuff comes from and why you know how it
40:49
actually serves us why it comes up and then how to move forward with that
40:54
um yeah so I want I wanted sorry go ahead that's it I mean that's the trick
41:00
when you're parroting I've I've got a similar story um of losing my cool not being a perfect
41:08
parent um with one of your brothers when they were little he was uh he was a little
41:15
hyperactive little little add like his dad and uh one night we're all
41:22
eventually diagnosed with it wow there you go genetic and so so I don't remember all
41:32
the circumstances I don't remember the because it was 30 some years ago
41:37
not sure how old he was and he was he was diagnosed add but this I don't know
41:44
and I don't know if this was before or after um because when when we realized he was
41:50
add which would have been kindergarten so he was four or five
41:56
um kindergarten teacher asked us to have him tested or when he started school was when we had him tested and that was kind
42:04
of a new thing back then at least new to me but anyway we were having an evening
42:10
and uh I ended up uh not being he was
42:16
also big freeze age I don't want to want to excuse this but there are all kinds of factors that go into how we process
42:24
what our kids do and what they're capable of you've told me that he was
42:30
because he was so much bigger for his age he seemed older and so he seemed
42:36
like he would he should be more capable of self-control and listening and all those
42:41
things and yeah yeah and that's something we learned and practiced or I
42:47
learned and practiced after uh uh after we knew that that he you know learned
42:53
about kids and uh but boy this evening he was I think I was trying to get him
43:00
to bed and he was not going to bed and I remember grabbing him by the arms and
43:07
pinning him down on the bed you know looming over him as a dad and yelling at
43:12
him you know I'm making him expecting him to stay in bed do not get out of
43:18
this bed again and uh and like you described I mean you walk
43:25
away from that just feeling like a turd resorting to that you know you just run
43:33
out of I've run out of tools and uh and that probably had something to do with
43:39
my desire to come up with better tools going forward be the first you know the
43:44
firstborn was an experiment I guess and so he he bore the brunt of all that and
43:50
uh yeah those experiences I think
43:55
everybody has them it'd be we imagine
44:01
that we don't you know with Facebook and everything we see the the perfect parts of everybody else's lives but I I think
44:10
that part and parcel of parenting is losing your cool and learning not to
44:17
better and learning how to redirect and learning better you know learn ways to
44:23
head it off and learn ways to better ways to deal with it it's all learning I
44:28
don't I don't look at kids as being different than their parents or other people it's uh we're all human beings
44:34
and grown-ups have had a little longer learning curve you know but we're still
44:39
subject to all the big the big feelings and and everything that kids are too you
44:44
know we just had more practice hopefully and have learned a little more
44:50
um but yeah those are there are going to be not proud moments in your parenting no matter how smart you are no matter
44:57
how much money you've got no matter no matter no matter um and it's a it's a challenge two
45:04
things come up for me as you're you're tying that story up and
45:09
one is that we are still learning just because we're parents doesn't mean that we know everything and everyone is still
45:18
a student of life no matter what no one living has experienced everything you
45:23
could possibly experience and so you know what you know and there's a lot you don't know and so
45:30
being open to learning new things and checking in with yourself and seeing yourself
45:36
from a lens of like reality versus
45:41
um I'm the adult you're the child I know more than you so I you know just
45:47
listen to me blindly but it allows us to be in relationship so the the apology
45:53
and the normalizing and the discovering this part of yourself that you didn't
46:00
know could get activated the Le or the level of Rage um that my friend in the email is
46:07
talking about or that you felt when you you know you put him in bed
46:14
um stuck him too um yeah um you know once we're aware of those
46:21
things part of a relationship is conflict and recovery and arguably in my
46:28
own experience this is not a psychological thing um scientifically but from my own
46:35
experience one of the most effective pieces of being in healthy relationship
46:44
is the ability to have a conflict and then fully recover and not just slap a
46:50
Band-Aid on it not just agree to disagree and move on like nothing happened
46:55
yeah sweep things under the rug and just not talk about it until everyone you
47:01
know just take a couple days to cool off and then we just move on none of those things are true recovery
47:07
so the ability to have a conflict whether it's between you and another adult or you and your child the ability
47:15
to have a conflict and maybe it wasn't a very healthy conflict and to be the one
47:21
to come back together and say hey this is how I messed up yeah this is how
47:29
you did not deserve to be treated and I am sorry and I will do better next time
47:38
uh that that is one of the most powerful most solidifying
47:45
parts of a healthy relationship that could possibly exist and that is what
47:50
will give longevity and trust and safety over time and repetition that is what
47:57
will build a bond with your child Leaps and Bounds
48:02
yeah over a gift you give them or whatever like
48:08
whatever else you know um positive positive bonding experiences and positive conflict recovery
48:16
experiences mm-hmm yeah yeah those are you know uh
48:22
what do they talk about Battlefield buddies or something like that you know we learn the child that fell and the
48:29
gate and got scared you know fear is a big teacher trauma or or being being
48:35
scared or hurt and in those situations together that those are tremendously
48:41
impactful learning experiences you know I remember I remember talking to Josh I
48:47
don't remember what I said but I remember letting him know after that that was it was the next day but it you
48:55
know that that's dad lost he's cool and shouldn't have done that and that's the other half of you know like you say in a
49:01
pile I don't know if I went past much past apology and and
49:06
um you know you shouldn't be treated that way that that was my bad
49:12
not yours that's part of the you have to own your
49:18
stuff you know you you you share you can share it with people and then burden and
49:23
get it out there which is really not about the other person it's about
49:28
it's like a a uh like a marriage you know what do they call it a public and
49:33
uh a a public show of
49:38
something you know you're getting you're making it public when you when you get it out of your own head you're making it
49:44
public it's healing and the next uh next step like like Alcoholics Anonymous is
49:49
you know you acknowledge you're something bigger than you that you need to uh whether it's a relationship or
49:56
whatnot that you need to acknowledge it to and then you need to talk to you know
50:01
the apology so you go around I think one of the steps in Alcoholics Anonymous is to go around and abolish apologize to
50:08
people you've um um wrong in some way and that's a that's
50:14
just another that's just the way people are wired normally you know that's uh those are
50:19
those are absolutely important steps can you see you guys when we don't we're
50:25
wired or we learn it in adulthood and we can see examples of it
50:30
but it's so often overlooked in towards children yeah because of that
50:37
power Dynamic that we always talk about of you know parents over children and it's like
50:45
I know stuff and you don't and so there's there's this lack of respect towards the child as a whole human
50:54
having a fully whole Human Experience and deserves the same kindness and
50:59
respect and input and acknowledgment and validation and all of those things and
51:06
even on a greater level because they they they're learning they're brand new here yeah so not only our experience
51:13
give them the same respect that we would give someone else in our life that we love and respect but give them but even
51:20
more even more validation even more normalizing things for them even more
51:26
empathy um because if they are going to grow into
51:32
a confident self-worth having
51:38
[Music] independent person
51:45
they need all of those things in childhood yeah so I want to close this
51:53
episode down with giving a little we kind of gave our own examples and
51:58
stories but I want to give a little bit more somatic experiential
52:06
um practice to any parents that are listening and are really looking to uh
52:12
work on on whether it's anger or frustration or yelling at your kid you
52:18
know losing your stuff on your kids whatever that might be um I just want to wrap wrap up with kind
52:24
of a helpful tool um and so one I want every parent to
52:32
understand that you're not alone and you may feel that way and you may not have
52:37
everyone anyone immediately close to you that you can rely on
52:43
um but I think I I think that a lot of people do and they're just and you
52:48
you've got to be able to reach out and ask for help and look around and see
52:54
where the resources are and you know if if you are truly either surrounded by no
53:01
one or you know supported by no one or surrounded by people who you cannot rely on so they're
53:07
you know toxic family situations Etc um then
53:13
either find a parent group or find a therapist or find a coach find a
53:18
psychologist someone someone that you can talk to because that piece of it is so important
53:27
and so validating and so self like being able to see yourself outside
53:33
of your own head um is so helpful but specifically to work with anger anger is a
53:40
secondary emotion in most instances it can be a primary motion but in a lot of
53:47
instances anger is actually a secondary emotion which means that it is a cover-up for the real emotion that's
53:55
underneath so what lives what is living underneath the anger
54:00
um that you are experiencing towards your child and I am going to reference
54:06
and I'll put a link in the show notes to this for anyone who's interested but I
54:12
there's this emotion wheel uh that I was introduced to years ago
54:18
and I'll just hold it up for a second here um and it was
54:24
invented I Believe In 1980 by a psychologist
54:31
and I wrote his name down I don't know where it went let's see Robert
54:38
puchnik pachnick Patrick I'll put it in the show notes uh and but
54:47
I just want to give credit where credit is due I did not invent this wheel but I've used this wheel for years and in
54:54
the center are depending on what wheel you look up because you're there's if you type that
55:00
into Google uh there's several versions of this you know that have been modified since 1980 obviously uh modified updated
55:09
Etc based on different understandings of human emotions but the
55:15
middle circle is like base emotions so anger
55:20
fear happy sad surprised disgusted
55:28
hmm yeah um and so the center is very very like basic
55:36
human emotion and then it extends out into two more sections and it goes into more
55:44
descriptive and more in-depth descriptions of of for instance anger so
55:52
anger could also mean that you are humiliated you are have been let down
55:58
you are bitter about something you are feeling aggressive
56:03
or defensive or frustrated um critical so you're judging something
56:13
um something feels like an injustice something feels like a betrayal you're
56:19
feeling resentful disrespected Etc
56:26
and so what I the exercise that I want to give
56:32
to you as a parent is to whenever you have a moment
56:39
I know that they are few and far between but whenever you have five minutes to
56:44
yourself instead of turning on the TV instead of scrolling on your phone and instead of picking up a book or you know right
56:52
before bed whatever it might be when you have five minutes in the shower maybe
56:58
just take a moment and check in with that anger remember whatever the
57:05
situation was where you lost it where you didn't show up as your best self or you responded in anger
57:14
um and instead of looking at why it happened or trying to think your way through what happened and why it
57:21
triggered you I just want you to find where that anger lives in your body first
57:27
and just so you can close your eyes and take them out so don't do this while you're driving
57:33
um take a moment close your eyes and find your anger and where it lives in your
57:39
body and then I want you to either look at this wheel
57:45
um or if you have enough you know emotional know how on your own already
57:50
you can just sit with your eyes closed and feel into this and feel into what what in that situation what other
57:57
feeling word comes to mind besides anger did your
58:03
child did you feel disrespected by your child did you feel like they there was an injustice that happened did your
58:09
child hurt hurt your other child hurt their sibling um did you feel frustrated overwhelmed
58:18
stressed out you know and just sit for a minute and and see what the other
58:23
emotion is What the deeper emotion is and from that
58:30
you can start to work with it you can start to instead of just I got
58:39
mad and I lost my [ __ ] and every parent does it and I'm just gonna move on
58:45
instead of just washing over it sweeping it under the rug either for yourself or for your child or within your
58:51
relationship just take five minutes look at where it lives in your body and
58:57
give it a different name because it's a cool tool
59:03
thank you you are from that simple practice you are going
59:09
to be able to the next time something happens the next time that trigger we
59:16
talked about emotions being energy in Motion in your body the next time you
59:22
feel that when your child does something you are going to be able to catch it so
59:28
much faster and you may not catch it the next time that it happens or five more times after
59:34
that but if you every time it happens you sit with yourself and rename it and
59:40
find out where it lives in your body you are going to be able to start working with that and you're going to be able to
59:46
start catching it in the moment and stopping it yeah
59:51
we're talking about it they just kind of they spill out on your kids because you're not
59:59
conscious they'd still use the words conscious unconscious egos that kind of
1:00:04
thing you know if you're not aware of it of where it's coming from then it just kind of spills out because you're not
1:00:10
directional with it if if you have a thought and you go oh yeah I'm reliving my child something in my childhood or
1:00:17
something like that that's causing this feeling towards your child
1:00:23
that might not be appropriate or Justified then yeah and this is a great
1:00:29
I like I mean it starts with a small number of basic emotions in the middle and that just having a list of all these
1:00:36
emotions to go what what the heck am I feeling it's nice to have 50 or 75 words here to look at and because if you can't
1:00:43
name it it's harder to deal with if you can just come up with well it's not quite disappointment but it sounds like
1:00:50
something else that's a that's a big step to it's a five minute what you're describing is a five minute way to work
1:00:57
on work on your stuff um in the midst of life this is a great
1:01:03
tool and I didn't you know
1:01:09
nucularly remember learning any words in my childhood
1:01:14
to express my emotions outside of these you know five six seven eight nine ten basic I'm mad I'm sad I'm whatever
1:01:24
and you know in adulthood in my own therapy and having this wheel
1:01:32
and you know it kind of blew my mind you know and and through socialization in
1:01:37
college you know you kind of pick up other words to describe different emotions but
1:01:43
um no one no one taught them to me until I was like 26 and got some therapy and I
1:01:52
discovered this emotion wheeler it was given to me and and it was just like
1:01:58
whoa like there are so many different
1:02:04
kinds of emotions let's do those
1:02:14
[Music] glowing I use this my husband and I use this sometimes not
1:02:21
so much anymore because we've had it for so long but um but we used to hang it in our house and
1:02:27
reference it when we would fight so that we could accurately tell our partner what was
1:02:34
going on for us um because then that allowed them to understand
1:02:39
what was happening so that they could actually respond to what we needed versus just seeing
1:02:45
anger yeah yeah it's hard to communicate without a common frame of reference it
1:02:51
lets everybody okay now we can figure out what Furious means you know or here you're looking at Furious right now or
1:02:58
or something like that I've seen this as part these words I really first ran into uh I saw at a uh
1:03:07
at a marriage uh encounter kind of thing where people were learning to
1:03:12
communicate and they you know there's lists of words you probably shouldn't use and here's a list of emotions that
1:03:18
that might be better to use so that I think they gave us a little cards you know because so you could you could go
1:03:24
hey here's a here's some words in front of me you know instead of just I can't can't come up with the word right now
1:03:30
especially if you're upset not thinking straight well it's a great tool to have a list of words in front of you that's
1:03:36
uh this is a good thing I like it yeah especially when you're super
1:03:41
triggered super in your lizard brain and fighting with your spouse or fighting with your child this could be something
1:03:48
that if if it's visual you put it in your environment somewhere where you're gonna like see it you know maybe you
1:03:55
blow it up make it a little bit bigger than an eight and a half by eleven sheet of paper put it on the fridge it's going
1:04:00
it's going to grab your attention it's very colorful and bright it's going to grab your attention and it
1:04:07
it kind of helps ground you and bring you back down to earth and like and it's
1:04:12
like okay I'm still mad or I'm still frustrated I'm still you know like tense but I'm gonna look at
1:04:19
that stupid piece of paper there you go that one that's what I feel like which
1:04:25
one am I yeah yeah and for my this just popped up for me that I feel like I need
1:04:33
to share because I think that it's an association that that is often overlooked and for me anger comes
1:04:41
most often when I am scared scared not not in like the physical sense but
1:04:49
scared like oh my God we're in conflict and you're
1:04:55
you become scared of losing that connection with your partner with your
1:05:00
child um this is actually a very common one for children their behavior is actually
1:05:07
a survival mechanism out of fear of losing their connection with you but for me my husband
1:05:14
has had to learn and I learned alongside him because I didn't know
1:05:20
but we learned together that when he sees me angry he he his his best defense
1:05:28
is If he if he can in the moment because he has his own stuff to regulate but if he sees me angry instead of getting
1:05:35
bigger and madder and more defensive his best tactic in that moment is to is to
1:05:43
make a safe environment for me and whether that means hey saying
1:05:49
something out loud and going hey I see anger I'm guessing you're scared right
1:05:57
now let's take a deep breath we we'll figure this out we always talk
1:06:04
through stuff like um you know you're saying he will literally
1:06:09
say the words you are safe right now you are safe
1:06:14
and everything is going to be okay and then that literally literally
1:06:21
just completely like drops everything that I have
1:06:28
into the ground and I'm like oh oh okay
1:06:34
that was scary and
1:06:40
and then we can sit down and discuss whatever's going on
1:06:47
um so anyway that's just that's just another another layer another piece another tool I just we could talk I feel
1:06:54
like we could just talk for hours all the time we've always been able to do this that's the cool part about
1:06:59
relationships is conflicts are more intense because there's danger you know
1:07:05
you don't want to you don't wanna lose the relationship as opposed to a
1:07:10
passing stranger that says the same thing and you just keep walking you know it's like there's no risk there and so
1:07:17
yeah learning to be relational with your kids and teaching them how to do that
1:07:24
for other people in their lives you know building relationships relationships is a is a very good human skill to have
1:07:31
some would argue it's the most important skill to have how to stay in the get how
1:07:37
to make them and then keep them also we're going to wrap up because we're at our time but I forgot to point
1:07:45
out my new sign at the beginning of the episode it's a little too shiny and
1:07:51
we're gonna we're gonna get it fixed we're either gonna mattify it or put it on a different
1:07:58
um material but I officially have a background for the podcast very cool and
1:08:06
we're working on yours we're working on your background so we have a little getting more aesthetically pleasing for
1:08:13
those who watch us on YouTube you know figuring out how to cast how to podcast yeah so we will wrap up here we
1:08:23
um let's see next week will be our last
1:08:28
episode just you and me before we start diving into taking guests
1:08:35
so we will do another topic next week me and Dad and the week after that February
1:08:43
26 I will have my first guest and she is
1:08:49
a she's a parent she is also a coach for moms and
1:08:58
um professional moms professional working moms specifically as her Niche
1:09:03
and she has got some great insights into her parenting journey and
1:09:09
um yeah so I'm excited we're March March is gonna be we have a whole theme for
1:09:15
March so stay tuned for that and yeah we're ramping up here people so keep
1:09:21
tuning in every Thursday morning and we will see you next time
1:09:27
thanks Dad thank you bye everybody if someone came to mind while you were listening to this
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episode or you are wishing you had a friend to digest it with I would be so
1:09:39
honored if you shared this link from this episode with them I myself have always benefited from
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community and sharing and I truly believe that it takes a village to raise
1:09:52
a child our society has become so independent from one another and parenting these
1:09:59
days is often a lonely Journey but it doesn't have to be that way
1:10:04
that's why I'm here if you have been seeking a more intentional approach to
1:10:09
Parenting but you aren't sure where to start I would love to hear from you you
1:10:15
can find me and all of my offerings at www.jennyb.com
1:10:21
and come follow me on all major social media platforms it fills my heart to
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hear your stories where you come from and your big goals for raising the Next
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I am so grateful that you are here and always remember you are never alone
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I'll see you next week this show is intended for education and
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entertainment purposes only we will discuss things like mental health abuse PTSD and other potentially triggering
1:11:10
subjects please listen at your own discretion and this podcast is not intended for anyone under the age of 18.