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In this powerful international episode, Colin and Rachel sit down with Krys from Canada, who shares how loneliness led her to seek sobriety—and ultimately, community and purpose. With raw honesty, she opens up about the highs, lows, and real growth that comes from staying the course. This one’s all about connection, resilience, and redefining what sober life can look like.
Prefer to watch instead? Catch the full video episode on Sober Banter’s YouTube channel – click here to watch!
Prefer to watch instead? Catch the full video episode on Sober Banter’s YouTube channel – click here to watch!
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Connect with Krys!
Do you have questions or feedback or want to be a guest? Hit us up at soberbanter.com or email Rachel at rachel@soberbanter.com
- (00:00) - Welcome Krys to Sober Banter
- (03:39) - Personal Struggles and Relapses
- (07:13) - The Role of Community and Support
- (18:38) - Smart Recovery and Emotional Regulation
- (29:14) - Traveling Sober
- (36:13) - Hosting Sober Events: Challenges and Insights
- (49:30) - Support from Friends and Family and Rediscovering Old Hobbies
- (01:00:20) - Sharing the Journey: Social Media
Creators and Guests
What is Sober Banter?
Sober Banter, a podcast about life without alcohol, is real, relatable, and never boring. Hosts Rachel and Colin share honest conversations about sobriety with humor, heart, and a touch of chaos.
(00:00:06):
All right.
(00:00:06):
Hi, everybody.
(00:00:07):
Welcome to Sober Banter.
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I am Colin.
(00:00:09):
And I am Rachel.
(00:00:10):
And today we have someone from Canada.
(00:00:13):
Yeah, this will be our first international podcast.
(00:00:17):
This is Krys.
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And I have loved your short videos.
(00:00:22):
As my husband said, his favorite thing is that you roll in.
(00:00:26):
Coming in hot.
(00:00:27):
Yeah.
(00:00:28):
So with the videos, I originally started them because I was kind of a lonely, sober person.
(00:00:35):
I had started doing them on TikTok just to kind of do like more of a diary kind of thing.
(00:00:41):
And it was actually on Halloween.
(00:00:43):
I was very newly sober, like 20 days.
(00:00:47):
And I live like in a hot spot downtown Toronto.
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So I was like, hey, I'm not ready to go out on Halloween for sure.
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But it was always my favorite holiday.
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So I was literally just like sitting in my apartment, like crying, listening.
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I can hear all the parties happening outside my window.
(00:01:02):
I was like,
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I need to find more people to interact with,
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like who are sober and kind of focus on that.
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Because it's one thing to find people who don't drink.
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But I think finding people who are actively in recovery is a totally different conversation.
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So, yeah, I was hoping to find some great people and I did.
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This is my second time getting sober.
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It's been a very different experience.
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I mentioned in one of my videos, I learned a new word this month that's a dried drunk.
(00:01:34):
And I think that's what I did last time was I went to rehab,
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I got out and I was like,
(00:01:39):
okay,
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I'm all better.
(00:01:40):
The joke in rehab was like, we kept saying, okay, are you cured yet?
(00:01:44):
Cause I'm cured.
(00:01:44):
And you know, you don't, there's no cure, right?
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You have to keep working on it every day.
(00:01:50):
They say, you know, like,
(00:01:52):
Sobriety is rented and rent is due every day.
(00:01:54):
And I think that's true.
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And even with like all that sober time under my belt,
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I feel like because I'm working on it in a different way,
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I'm learning something new constantly,
(00:02:05):
which is great.
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And that's like part of what I like to do with the video,
(00:02:09):
kind of relate what I'm talking about to what's going on in my life.
(00:02:13):
Definitely remember when I learned dry drunk,
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because I know before we got sober,
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like really sober.
(00:02:19):
And anytime we take a break,
(00:02:21):
you know,
(00:02:22):
you definitely felt like you were that dry drunk because say that either on your
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drink on when you could drink next,
(00:02:29):
like if it was for a sober October or dry January,
(00:02:32):
it was like,
(00:02:33):
I can just make it to February 1st and then everything will be good.
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And that will prove I'm not an alcoholic.
(00:02:40):
or something like that.
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And I think one of the big issues was I would still hang out with my drinking buddies,
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but I just wouldn't drink.
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So I would just be miserable around all these other people who are drinking and
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having what I thought was having fun.
(00:02:55):
And I would be the miserable one.
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And because I wasn't in a community of people who were not drinking or I didn't have
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you know,
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kind of this guidebook to follow like the 12 steps or even if you're not an AA,
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just to be around a community of people that would help you.
(00:03:15):
So yeah, dry drunk is something I definitely relate to.
(00:03:18):
Yeah.
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And so your sobriety date is October 10th.
(00:03:22):
So you're talking about Halloween.
(00:03:23):
So you're about 20 days sober, right?
(00:03:25):
Yeah.
(00:03:26):
And so what happened this time that was different from the time before?
(00:03:30):
So the first time I got sober, it was definitely...
(00:03:34):
I won't call it like legally mandated, but it was because I got a DUI.
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And that was kind of my wake up call.
(00:03:42):
Part of how I was pleading with the judge to go easy on me was,
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listen,
(00:03:47):
I'm going to go to rehab.
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I'm going to do all these things.
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And I feel like a lot of my intention behind getting sober was embarrassment, guilt, and shame.
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Because my DUI...
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Unfortunately, it became kind of like very public in my workspace.
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I got it in a work vehicle.
(00:04:10):
So, you know, the vehicle is impounded.
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I have to tell my bosses all this.
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Like it was so embarrassing.
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And then it helped even for my work to be like, well, I'm going to rehab.
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So when I get out, you guys can hire me back and everything is going to be all better.
(00:04:22):
So, yeah, I think a lot of it was like it was for appearances.
(00:04:27):
I didn't want to get sober.
(00:04:30):
I know like the first two weeks of being in rehab, I was like, I don't need to be here.
(00:04:34):
I just have to get through my 45 days or whatever.
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Whereas this time it was a very...
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personal thing like it was a choice that I made for myself because I had been going
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through like I've struggled with depression for what I'm now realizing was probably
(00:04:53):
the last 20 years or so it went on for so long it was like normalized to me I
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didn't even realize that I was depressed but it got really bad towards
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the end of this stint and I was just drinking away the sadness or so I thought
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after there was an incident where I had a very bad habit of
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getting blackout drunk and hurting myself.
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And there was one day when I woke up and I was like, I can't do this anymore.
(00:05:23):
Something needs to change.
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So I went to therapy and, you know, quit drinking, got on antidepressants.
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So it was kind of this like whole overhaul of my mental facilities.
(00:05:36):
And I
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I don't know if I even intended for the quitting drinking to be like the star of
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the show,
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but somehow it did become that way because I realized that chemically,
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like after doing some reading like that,
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it's really,
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really damaging.
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And yeah, it's been a huge thing like the antidepressants.
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Yes, obviously they're helping.
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But I had noticed it within like two weeks that I wasn't waking up with like crazy
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anxiety and depression.
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I was waking up kind of just neutral.
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Yeah.
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Well, and I mean, alcohol is a depressant.
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And although like I know in my drinking days,
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like I would argue that it fueled me and not even the present.
(00:06:18):
But I also deal with those.
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I mean, Colin's seen me throw myself down the stairs like and we don't have to talk about that.
(00:06:26):
But I mean, yeah, we talk about hurting ourselves.
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I mean, I was I did some crazy ass threats.
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I don't know why,
(00:06:34):
how you stayed with me through them,
(00:06:36):
but you know,
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you'd be like,
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yeah,
(00:06:37):
well,
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you won't remember this in the morning.
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And I'd wake up and I don't remember making any kind of things or say, I don't, I don't know.
(00:06:47):
It was really when I was blackout when it would happen,
(00:06:50):
but yeah,
(00:06:51):
the carrying,
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I think that's where the fourth step really helped me like really,
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because there was that shame,
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guilt,
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guilt,
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And I mean, Bill W. talked about he dealt with depression a lot.
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So that's very common, I think, within people with addicts, alcoholism.
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Especially, Chris, you said you were more of a blackout drinker.
(00:07:15):
Was these...
(00:07:18):
Where you could kind of hang on throughout your work week,
(00:07:21):
like Monday through Friday,
(00:07:23):
then Friday,
(00:07:23):
Saturday,
(00:07:24):
Sunday,
(00:07:24):
you just kind of went all out?
(00:07:26):
That type of blackout drinker?
(00:07:28):
Or was it just kind of as soon as you got done with work,
(00:07:30):
you black out until,
(00:07:32):
you know,
(00:07:32):
your alarm comes and then you got to go to work and put on this,
(00:07:37):
you know,
(00:07:37):
clean,
(00:07:37):
sober face?
(00:07:39):
I mostly like I would drink when I got home from work,
(00:07:42):
but I would also not drink to the excess that I would on the weekend.
(00:07:47):
Say I never blacked out during the week,
(00:07:50):
but it was definitely more of a Friday,
(00:07:52):
Saturday kind of thing.
(00:07:53):
Yeah.
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Yeah.
(00:07:56):
It's always kind of like, what kind of drinker was I?
(00:07:58):
Because I feel like most of us have done it for so long that you're like,
(00:08:02):
well,
(00:08:02):
over the years,
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I was every kind of drinker there.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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And it always kind of progresses because, yeah, I would drink more on the weekends, too.
(00:08:11):
But then maybe there's one Tuesday day after work where I found like,
(00:08:15):
oh, I could drink a little bit more and still go to work Wednesday and be okay.
(00:08:20):
Well,
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then,
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you know,
(00:08:21):
I keep adding to it,
(00:08:23):
you know,
(00:08:23):
little by little by little until I'm showing up at work,
(00:08:27):
not even close to 100%,
(00:08:28):
you know,
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and it becomes pretty obvious,
(00:08:32):
even though I think I'm hiding it well.
(00:08:35):
And yeah, the shit show is just growing.
(00:08:38):
For sure.
(00:08:41):
Well, when I got pregnant and I was able to stay sober, I thought that was kind of like my...
(00:08:47):
I can prove I cannot drink for a certain amount of time.
(00:08:50):
But the only reason I wasn't drinking was because I was pregnant.
(00:08:52):
As soon as I had my son, it was back to wheels off.
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And I don't know how if you felt the same after taking a year and a half off.
(00:09:02):
It's like the vengeance.
(00:09:03):
You come back twice as hard.
(00:09:04):
Right after I gave birth, I continued drinking at the level...
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From when I stopped.
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But you couldn't tell me that.
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And it's like it hit home a lot faster.
(00:09:14):
I don't know if that was your experience or not.
(00:09:18):
The first day I drank, when I relapsed, I puked.
(00:09:22):
I drank until I puked that very first night.
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I did not intend to, but I was used to being able to drink a whole bottle of wine, no problem.
(00:09:30):
And basically, I attempted to do that.
(00:09:33):
I don't think I set out to do that.
(00:09:34):
I was going to just have one.
(00:09:36):
My first time back at it, I puked red wine all over this beautiful white bathroom at an Airbnb.
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On an Airbnb?
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Yeah.
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The bottle was actually a gift from the host.
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Oh, not knowing, obviously.
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So I was like, oh, it's like a sign, right?
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They still have the bottle now as a gift.
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They probably are like, maybe white wine.
(00:09:59):
But going back to the kind of like way...
(00:10:02):
And the drinking can you do a little more and a little more over the course of the week.
(00:10:07):
I remember.
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So when I was back off the wagon, I still had a breathalyzer on my car.
(00:10:13):
And yeah, I was very aware, you know, of the rules of this thing and how sensitive it was.
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And I was out of town for a job and I had had a lot to drink the night before.
(00:10:24):
I think I was drinking wine.
(00:10:26):
I do remember the extra bad pace.
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I woke up for work and when I got it, I felt okay.
(00:10:32):
But,
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you know,
(00:10:33):
a little bit of a headache,
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like,
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oh shit,
(00:10:35):
I should have had like one less last night.
(00:10:37):
But when I got into my car,
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I couldn't get my car running because I kept failing the breath test.
(00:10:43):
Oh no.
(00:10:44):
How many failures did you get?
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I think you get three.
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Yeah.
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And then it's like turn off.
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Yeah.
(00:10:53):
Okay.
(00:10:53):
So and then it's like half a day or something.
(00:10:55):
And so you can do it again.
(00:10:56):
So I did the one and I was like, oh, my God.
(00:10:58):
So I called my guys.
(00:11:01):
luckily i'm the boss so you know for me to be like you guys go on i just have some
(00:11:06):
things to do so you know i gave myself an hour brushed my teeth ate as much as i
(00:11:10):
could went back in failed it again had to call one of my guys be like you got to
(00:11:14):
pick me up my car is broken like i need you know someone has to come fix it and
(00:11:20):
that should have been another wake-up call right but it's like we have this like
(00:11:24):
weird it's addiction it's it's a
(00:11:28):
It's an illness in a way, right?
(00:11:29):
Yeah, because I had a breathalyzer in my car for a year.
(00:11:32):
And us addicts always try to outsmart, you know, everything we can do.
(00:11:40):
And I don't know if you've ever heard this story, but I remember...
(00:11:44):
You know,
(00:11:44):
I just couldn't hold off,
(00:11:45):
but I went to go visit a friend at his apartment,
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and it was like maybe a 10-12 minute drive.
(00:11:52):
And sometimes the breathalyzer would go off in the middle of the drive.
(00:11:56):
So when I drove to his place, it went off in the middle of the drive.
(00:12:00):
And so I blew to prove that I was still sober.
(00:12:03):
And I got to his house and I was like, OK, if they're not going to drink, I can drink.
(00:12:10):
They can blow into it.
(00:12:11):
And since it already went off in the middle of the drive,
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it's not going to go off in the middle of the drive when I drive back home.
(00:12:18):
And so I thought I'd outsmarted it.
(00:12:21):
the breathalyzer and sure enough on the way home because I got one of them to blow
(00:12:26):
into the breathalyzer so I could start my car because I had two or three beers
(00:12:30):
there because you know I couldn't like just wait two hours or whatever and so on
(00:12:37):
the way home you know it went off and I had a panic and I realized I'm not going to
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be able to make it home to where my roommate is
(00:12:45):
to where they could blow in it.
(00:12:46):
So they had to,
(00:12:48):
I called my roommate at the time,
(00:12:50):
she and a friend met me at like a grocery store parking lot halfway in between
(00:12:55):
where I was and where my townhouse was.
(00:12:59):
So they could blow into the breathalyzer.
(00:13:03):
So it would appear that I was still sober.
(00:13:07):
I don't know if you have the best friends of the world or the worst,
(00:13:10):
most wild friends in the world.
(00:13:12):
Well, I was surprised that they weren't also drunk or drinking at the time.
(00:13:18):
So I think that also helps when you have friends that are also more stoner-based
(00:13:23):
instead of drinking-based.
(00:13:25):
So I wasn't too worried of that.
(00:13:28):
I was like, well, they might just be a little high.
(00:13:31):
But breathalyzer's not going to catch that.
(00:13:33):
So...
(00:13:35):
Yeah.
(00:13:36):
So that was a really intense story that I was able to walk around and the judge or
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nobody found out about that one.
(00:13:43):
But just for some reason,
(00:13:46):
those weird things you do to try to outsmart or trick your breathalyzer.
(00:13:49):
And yeah.
(00:13:51):
But you were the one who had the problem saying you were alcoholic when we got sober.
(00:13:56):
Yeah.
(00:13:56):
But you just I don't have any stories like that.
(00:13:58):
No.
(00:13:58):
Yeah.
(00:13:59):
And this was a 22-year-old Colin.
(00:14:01):
But I know I'm an alcoholic.
(00:14:03):
I mean, I know it would have been a matter of time before I got pulled over.
(00:14:06):
Like, I mean, I know the way I drank was alcoholically.
(00:14:09):
Like, I didn't... Yeah, you flirted pretty dangerously with that one.
(00:14:13):
So dangerously.
(00:14:14):
So dangerously.
(00:14:15):
Yeah.
(00:14:17):
You know, I live through your experience on that.
(00:14:20):
Yeah.
(00:14:20):
And a good note, too, is it's just because you don't have the same stories.
(00:14:25):
Like, me saying...
(00:14:27):
oh, I never had a DUI and had the breathalyzer things.
(00:14:31):
Like, that doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic.
(00:14:34):
It's just,
(00:14:35):
if I were to relapse,
(00:14:36):
I know I'd probably get caught that day because it's only a matter of time until I
(00:14:42):
would have hit that point.
(00:14:44):
Yeah.
(00:14:44):
You know?
(00:14:45):
And...
(00:14:47):
I guess I would recommend looking for the similarities and not the differences
(00:14:52):
because I would have drank that way too.
(00:14:55):
You know, I would have tried to manipulate a breathalyzer.
(00:14:58):
Yeah.
(00:14:59):
I'm reused to have standup jokes about like trying to get a date and you're like,
(00:15:02):
hold on,
(00:15:02):
I got to start my car really quickly.
(00:15:04):
It's blowing into the breathalyzer.
(00:15:06):
Yeah.
(00:15:06):
Yeah.
(00:15:07):
I used to do stand-up,
(00:15:08):
and I had a bit of picking up a first date in my car with a breathalyzer in it.
(00:15:13):
It's weird how you just let it become normal, too.
(00:15:17):
Like, in my work, I end up driving people around a lot.
(00:15:21):
So eventually, like, all my employees are like, oh, she's got to blow the thing.
(00:15:24):
Give it a second.
(00:15:25):
And they'd be laughing because, you know, you got to hum.
(00:15:27):
It's not a pretty thing to have to do in front of somebody.
(00:15:31):
Yeah, there is.
(00:15:31):
I forget.
(00:15:32):
There's kind of a... You blow, but it's a different... It's not just...
(00:15:36):
oh my god hearing you do that yeah it is kind of when you said home like that
(00:15:43):
brought it to me and it was it was almost weird when it got taken out of my car of
(00:15:47):
not having it anymore but we can put it back if it could run on just breathalyzer
(00:15:54):
and that gas that'd be awesome because that'd be right every day now
(00:15:59):
Yeah, because we don't even like that's not.
(00:16:02):
Well,
(00:16:02):
I guess maybe it'd be a little bit of a nuisance like to have to do it just because
(00:16:07):
it's having to blow into something.
(00:16:09):
But it wouldn't be the added anxiety of like, am I going to be able to pass this today?
(00:16:15):
Because that has a whole other level of.
(00:16:19):
Not only are you doing something embarrassing, it's like, what if I blow in?
(00:16:23):
It doesn't work.
(00:16:23):
And now it doesn't work in front of like people I'm, you know, riding with or whatnot.
(00:16:28):
Did you ever try to hide it from your coat?
(00:16:30):
Because you said now it's kind of a joke amongst your coworkers.
(00:16:33):
But like that first,
(00:16:34):
did you ever think to try to hide it or use an excuse of,
(00:16:37):
well,
(00:16:38):
I got pulled over and I was barely over the legal limit of drinking or to make it
(00:16:43):
sound a little better?
(00:16:45):
So there were certain people who I wouldn't want to get in my car.
(00:16:49):
It was like finding all these little tiny reasons why we shouldn't take my car.
(00:16:54):
Like AC is broken or my window doesn't close and it's winter.
(00:16:58):
Maybe we should take your car.
(00:16:59):
And I mean, that's just the shame too.
(00:17:04):
And I'm sure you're beating yourself up in your head because if you're not able to
(00:17:08):
drive somewhere,
(00:17:09):
like I can imagine that that would be
(00:17:12):
difficult and it'd be like oh my god and then you if i were drinking at the time i
(00:17:17):
would go drink harder because i was embarrassed and the only way to deal with that
(00:17:20):
shame is to go back when you don't want anyone to see you drinking when they know
(00:17:26):
you have a breathalyzer in your car too yeah oh so now you have an even another
(00:17:31):
level of like you're trying to hide it and it's the the manipulation of so many
(00:17:35):
factors like when i got sober i was like
(00:17:38):
I don't have to do all that anymore.
(00:17:40):
And like that was just a relief of like I could just be honest.
(00:17:44):
You're no longer multitasking all these crazy scenarios and juggling all these things.
(00:17:51):
You can just focus on one thing and it's the easier thing.
(00:17:57):
It's like having a lot of tabs open, you know, and it's I just like.
(00:18:01):
Well, I mean, I like that it's being able to be honest.
(00:18:05):
I don't have to think of the lie told.
(00:18:06):
I don't have to like make.
(00:18:09):
excuses for all of these different things or have to try and like figure out how
(00:18:14):
I'm going to get home or get there.
(00:18:16):
Or like our, my first like sober party, you know, my sponsor was like, you know, you can leave.
(00:18:22):
Right.
(00:18:22):
And I was like, Oh my God, that's crazy because like I'm sober.
(00:18:26):
I can literally get in.
(00:18:27):
I'm not used to that.
(00:18:28):
I'm used to not being able to drive home, you know, like, so I have to figure it all out.
(00:18:33):
Yeah.
(00:18:33):
And so that's,
(00:18:37):
It's crazy.
(00:18:38):
How are you going through like a 12 step program?
(00:18:41):
Or I think I saw, are you going smart recovery?
(00:18:43):
I do smart recovery.
(00:18:46):
What do you like about it?
(00:18:48):
Well, for me, I guess the thing that scared me off from AA was the spirituality of it.
(00:18:54):
It's just never really been my thing.
(00:18:57):
It just felt like a lot in general, I think.
(00:18:59):
And I was like, I don't know.
(00:19:00):
We're good.
(00:19:00):
We don't judge.
(00:19:01):
I was just curious because like maybe someone else will think
(00:19:04):
Oh, I would love to hear that.
(00:19:07):
Well,
(00:19:07):
that was going to be my question was,
(00:19:09):
yeah,
(00:19:09):
what has worked for you the second time around?
(00:19:12):
Like that first time you said you were that dry drunk.
(00:19:16):
And so this time around,
(00:19:17):
obviously,
(00:19:18):
you found your people and you started,
(00:19:20):
you know,
(00:19:21):
your channel.
(00:19:22):
I don't even know if they're like big groups or if they're small.
(00:19:24):
It's actually really small.
(00:19:26):
After the pandemic, everything went online.
(00:19:28):
Since then, I think only two meetings in Toronto have gone back to real life.
(00:19:33):
And I'd say on average, a big meeting for our group is maybe like 15 people.
(00:19:39):
So it's pretty intimate.
(00:19:42):
And we kind of just work through that in a way, but it's more about
(00:19:49):
self-regulation rather than focusing on just alcohol or whatever your drug is.
(00:19:55):
There's people there who are like, I'm here for anxiety.
(00:19:58):
And we'll talk about it because I think it all really is wrapped up.
(00:20:01):
The things that are going to make you drink are the things that are making you anxious, right?
(00:20:06):
So it kind of treats
(00:20:09):
like addiction or substance abuse or whatever it is you're overdoing it on as more
(00:20:16):
of a symptom of a problem that like is going on in your head.
(00:20:21):
So it's about emotional regulation and kind of problem solving for yourself in ways
(00:20:27):
that are not going to be self-destructive or destructive to those around you.
(00:20:32):
Yeah.
(00:20:34):
Do they discriminate as far as like if you're there for,
(00:20:38):
like you said,
(00:20:39):
there's people that go there for other things,
(00:20:41):
but is it people who are there for drugs or alcohol or drugs?
(00:20:45):
do drugs or those other programs like there's na like narcotics anonymous all in
(00:20:50):
the same group they're like group there's the drug the drug addicts there's a guy
(00:20:55):
who's addicted to video games there's a we're all just did it together like i can't
(00:21:01):
stop doing this one thing right very cool i loved the book the dopamine nation and
(00:21:07):
that book talks about all the different kinds of
(00:21:11):
addictions but the common thing that they have is you can't stop doing it yeah and
(00:21:17):
that's where i say like there are people i feel like that will even go to aa like
(00:21:22):
they hear a story like the dui and they're like maybe i don't need to be here and
(00:21:27):
it's like no no you're looking at the differences not the similarities did you
(00:21:31):
still drink that way like yeah or did you do you feel that same way that like
(00:21:37):
if you were to throw a bottle in the trash can, would you go pull it back out?
(00:21:41):
You know, like, that's nothing.
(00:21:44):
Because I talk about
(00:21:48):
again it's it's the feeling it's not it's yeah the alcohol drug video game it's all
(00:21:55):
a symptom of how you're regulating and how you're using whatever it is and i think
(00:22:01):
there are so many ways for a substance or a habit or an addiction to hurt you that
(00:22:09):
it's not even about like
(00:22:11):
Do you drink every day?
(00:22:12):
You don't have to drink every day for alcohol to be a bad thing in your life.
(00:22:17):
Like,
(00:22:18):
I remember when I got to rehab,
(00:22:19):
it was almost there was this like weird hierarchy of like,
(00:22:23):
who is this toolkit or something?
(00:22:26):
And I didn't get like any respect until I told them about like a couple of times I
(00:22:31):
was in jail and they were like,
(00:22:32):
oh shit,
(00:22:32):
okay.
(00:22:33):
But I'm like, you guys...
(00:22:35):
This shouldn't be a competition.
(00:22:37):
And there was another girl who came in and it was the same thing you were saying for her.
(00:22:42):
Like she kind of heard all these stories and she's like, well, I don't drink every day.
(00:22:46):
I like can stop myself.
(00:22:49):
I just black out once in a while.
(00:22:51):
And then as I started to hear her stories,
(00:22:53):
I'm like,
(00:22:53):
girl,
(00:22:54):
this is you're going to kill yourself.
(00:22:56):
Like this is a problem.
(00:22:57):
And it took her kind of a while to be like, oh, yeah, I should stop this.
(00:23:03):
Yeah.
(00:23:07):
I do remember the feeling of there were a few times I was a lot like you in my early recovery.
(00:23:13):
I was all about it.
(00:23:14):
I wanted to share it.
(00:23:15):
I wanted to kind of do the tips.
(00:23:17):
And again, it kept me sober.
(00:23:19):
But I would get responses of like, you can't do this at only so-and-so about a days.
(00:23:27):
Or I think I had emailed about like the Dallas sober because they were looking for,
(00:23:32):
you know,
(00:23:32):
someone...
(00:23:34):
to like run it.
(00:23:35):
And I was so excited to put in my application.
(00:23:37):
And I think I like my heart broke when I got like the one.
(00:23:42):
Yeah, you need more time.
(00:23:43):
Like you only I hate that word only.
(00:23:48):
I don't use that word for that reason.
(00:23:50):
And I'm like, you know what?
(00:23:51):
There are people with 15 days sober that have so much more to share than someone
(00:23:56):
who has 15 years.
(00:23:57):
Because you're in that raw, honest part.
(00:24:03):
And you can look back a lot easier than someone who's 15 years sober.
(00:24:08):
Well, I mean, I guess I can't say that.
(00:24:10):
Again, it's not a competition.
(00:24:12):
It's about the similarities.
(00:24:15):
And that's something...
(00:24:18):
I think when talking to people,
(00:24:20):
especially who have gone back out and like,
(00:24:23):
I call that reestablishing your step one.
(00:24:25):
You're just you are now at a place where you know you're powerless over how alcohol
(00:24:32):
goes in your body and whatnot.
(00:24:34):
And yeah,
(00:24:34):
like what you're saying about the word only a girl came in to our meeting a couple
(00:24:38):
of weeks ago and she was like,
(00:24:40):
I'm only nine days sober.
(00:24:42):
And I'm like, I'm getting emotional.
(00:24:44):
I like want to cry.
(00:24:45):
So I was like, girl, do you know how many times I couldn't get nine days sober?
(00:24:49):
Like you should be so proud of yourself.
(00:24:51):
It doesn't matter if you have 15 years or 50 days.
(00:24:57):
It's not easy.
(00:24:58):
And I think that the earlier days are the hardest.
(00:25:01):
I've not ever been more than a year and a half,
(00:25:04):
but those early days are the days you need to be the most proud of yourself and
(00:25:09):
stop saying only.
(00:25:11):
It's such a damaging word because it's a huge accomplishment and that diminishes it.
(00:25:16):
And the more you diminish yourself,
(00:25:18):
the closer you're getting to being back into a headspace where you're like,
(00:25:22):
well,
(00:25:23):
you know,
(00:25:23):
it was only...
(00:25:25):
50 days anyway.
(00:25:26):
What's the harm?
(00:25:27):
And like giving up.
(00:25:29):
I was like, hate that word.
(00:25:33):
It makes me so upset.
(00:25:34):
And it's just like,
(00:25:37):
yeah,
(00:25:37):
you know,
(00:25:38):
if you have something to share,
(00:25:40):
I wouldn't look back at my last sober October and I made it till October 4th.
(00:25:44):
I made it four days.
(00:25:45):
So, yeah, nine days.
(00:25:46):
A huge accomplishment.
(00:25:48):
I think it's because the fourth or the fifth just happened to be a weekend.
(00:25:51):
I mean, there's always a rationalization of why to drink, except this time was different.
(00:26:02):
Like, this was the first time we had gone to a meeting.
(00:26:04):
And I think this was the first time that I actually wanted to get sober when it was,
(00:26:11):
you know,
(00:26:11):
three years ago.
(00:26:12):
Yeah.
(00:26:14):
And it wasn't for...
(00:26:17):
a dry January or October.
(00:26:19):
It was just, I just, I couldn't do it anymore.
(00:26:22):
The dry drunk is so real.
(00:26:24):
And I would be so snippy, especially near the end.
(00:26:27):
Because like, all I was waiting for was that next drink.
(00:26:31):
And like, unless you're not found.
(00:26:33):
And then there was the rationalization that I remember having with Colin of like,
(00:26:37):
Well, at midnight, you know, on the 31st, when it turns to the first, can we drink?
(00:26:42):
And he's like, can you just not wait till like first?
(00:26:44):
And, you know, it's like, oh, well, we're going to drink in 12 hours anyway.
(00:26:48):
Why don't we just do it now?
(00:26:49):
Yeah.
(00:26:50):
It's like trying to get in that, you know, premier boarding class on Southwest.
(00:26:54):
I got to get right when the hour changes.
(00:26:57):
Oh, my God.
(00:27:00):
And like have it poured already.
(00:27:01):
And you're just staring and you're just like.
(00:27:05):
If you have done that,
(00:27:07):
that would be considered just as bad of an addiction because I would say the test
(00:27:13):
for addiction is like,
(00:27:14):
can you just get rid of it and not think about it and not care?
(00:27:18):
You know,
(00:27:19):
if you are sitting there waiting for the clock to change because that was like
(00:27:23):
you're hitting your goal,
(00:27:24):
I would probably say that's an attitude of a dry drunk because you're waiting for you.
(00:27:28):
Yeah, now that you bring that up, I'm having like flashbacks to the pandemic.
(00:27:33):
Because I remember being like, all right, well, you know, not till five o'clock.
(00:27:39):
And then I'd be standing there at like, you know, staring at my squad.
(00:27:43):
Like, was this ever going to change from four fifty nine?
(00:27:46):
And then that deadline moved up like, OK, well, like three o'clock.
(00:27:50):
And then it was noon and it was silly.
(00:27:52):
Yeah.
(00:27:54):
Why am I waiting for this arbitrary timeline when like nothing exists right now?
(00:28:00):
I totally forgot that I did that.
(00:28:03):
I'll tell you, things start coming.
(00:28:05):
Like,
(00:28:06):
even now,
(00:28:07):
I still get random flashbacks of things that I'm like,
(00:28:09):
oh,
(00:28:09):
my God,
(00:28:09):
I hadn't even thought about that.
(00:28:11):
I remember in the pandemic, because I was working from home, and they'd be like,
(00:28:16):
you know,
(00:28:17):
I'd be in the back office and I'd be like,
(00:28:18):
hey,
(00:28:19):
I just sent an email and you'd be like,
(00:28:21):
shot time.
(00:28:22):
And it was like everything with this congratulatory, you know, shot.
(00:28:26):
Oh, I just finished a project or I just finished an edit.
(00:28:29):
And it was just shot time.
(00:28:30):
Just went down for a nap.
(00:28:32):
And it was throughout the day.
(00:28:34):
And then I remember there were times like,
(00:28:37):
Oh, well, in Eastern time, you know, it's already five.
(00:28:41):
And so it's like, well, it's five o'clock somewhere thing.
(00:28:46):
And I'm like, man, that was such a damaging line to me.
(00:28:50):
Vacation was another write off of like, well, we're on vacation.
(00:28:53):
Of course we can daydream.
(00:28:55):
And we missed an entire vacation, basically, because we were too drunk or we were hungover.
(00:29:03):
and then doing hair of the dog to the point where it was just so bad canceling even
(00:29:08):
dinner reservations that we made couldn't do dinner too drunk to get there from day
(00:29:12):
drinking yeah have you gone anywhere yet no and that's actually going to be the the
(00:29:19):
true test because i am the kind of person that i arrive at the airport
(00:29:24):
intentionally like four hours early because the bar is always open and i don't know
(00:29:29):
what it is i just
(00:29:30):
I love drinking at the airport.
(00:29:31):
I love drinking on the plane.
(00:29:33):
I haven't actually been on vacation in a couple of years, but I travel a lot for work.
(00:29:38):
So that first flight I have to get on, you know, I'm going to live stream it maybe.
(00:29:42):
I don't know, just to keep myself clean.
(00:29:45):
I'm telling you,
(00:29:46):
if you're like what you're saying you are,
(00:29:48):
you know,
(00:29:49):
like you're sober this time and you're having good tools and self-regulation.
(00:29:55):
it's gonna be different it's like going to the airport with new glasses I remember
(00:29:58):
I was so nervous the first time I went and it wasn't I mean I just saw that it just
(00:30:06):
didn't look fun like the people who looked in the bars I was like it didn't look
(00:30:11):
like a crowd I wanted to be a part of anymore it just looked different yeah and as
(00:30:18):
far I mean we used to pack like
(00:30:21):
We would get not just the minis.
(00:30:23):
We would say we wanted like the ones that's in the packaging because we wanted to
(00:30:27):
have that many minis on the plane.
(00:30:30):
And we would order one and then just add more to it.
(00:30:34):
I haven't thought of a time where I've flown and we've flown a lot.
(00:30:37):
It was just different.
(00:30:38):
It really was.
(00:30:39):
And I thought I was going to be triggered because I too am...
(00:30:44):
I used to love drinking at the airport.
(00:30:46):
Oh my God.
(00:30:46):
We will get so fucked up.
(00:30:48):
Save a lot of money though.
(00:30:49):
I would just say,
(00:30:51):
you know,
(00:30:51):
with some of the,
(00:30:52):
you can live stream if that makes you feel better,
(00:30:54):
but like,
(00:30:56):
texting someone to like just having a little bit of accountability.
(00:31:01):
If you do,
(00:31:02):
you know,
(00:31:03):
and actually one of the things I noticed,
(00:31:05):
which I'd never noticed before I got sober,
(00:31:07):
is like most places have like a meditation room or a space.
(00:31:12):
And I'm like, oh, never noticed that before.
(00:31:14):
But I was usually drunk and I'm not looking for it.
(00:31:17):
Having your new kind of go-to drink,
(00:31:19):
I know in the beginning for me,
(00:31:20):
it was the Topo Chico and lime just because I wanted that carbonation of something
(00:31:26):
and a little bit of flavor.
(00:31:27):
Even I only just recently,
(00:31:30):
and again,
(00:31:31):
this was year three,
(00:31:33):
that someone ordered a drink next to me and it just didn't even smell good.
(00:31:38):
I was just like, I don't want to be sitting next to, I mean, it was, she was at a mimosa and
(00:31:44):
It doesn't look, it's not something I crave anymore.
(00:31:47):
It's just not part of my life.
(00:31:49):
You know, like I look at other people and I'm like, I want something like they have.
(00:31:55):
I don't want to go back.
(00:31:57):
It doesn't sound fun.
(00:31:59):
Well, and it's risky too, right?
(00:32:01):
Like at the airport, more than once I have not been allowed on the plane because I'm too drunk.
(00:32:07):
I remember one time,
(00:32:08):
I almost made it.
(00:32:09):
I was so close.
(00:32:10):
We were going from that little strip onto the plane and I tripped.
(00:32:14):
And I want to say it was partly the shoes I was wearing and the fact that I was on
(00:32:17):
an angle,
(00:32:18):
but I went down so hard.
(00:32:20):
And all of a sudden they're like smelling my breath.
(00:32:22):
They're like, you're going to have to wait for the next flight.
(00:32:24):
And yeah, I missed a flight once because I was so drunk.
(00:32:27):
I was in the wrong terminal.
(00:32:29):
Didn't even know.
(00:32:29):
Got so pissed at the people.
(00:32:31):
They were like, you're in the wrong terminal.
(00:32:32):
Yeah.
(00:32:33):
And I think that's like the thing that they teach you too,
(00:32:37):
is I remember being in the airport and I'm like,
(00:32:40):
nobody would know,
(00:32:41):
you know,
(00:32:41):
you have that first time where you're looking around and it's like,
(00:32:44):
no one would know if I went and drank,
(00:32:48):
but it's the,
(00:32:48):
I would know.
(00:32:49):
And we talk about that, like the guilt, the shame, all of that feeling is in that first drink.
(00:32:58):
And it's again, those types of things, like,
(00:33:02):
I didn't have any problems at the airport.
(00:33:04):
And I was so scared because I almost didn't get allowed on the plane.
(00:33:10):
But thankfully, we were wearing masks at the time.
(00:33:12):
But I have pictures that are so cringe, like so cringe.
(00:33:18):
And yeah, there's something different when surrendering to you want it for yourself.
(00:33:27):
So if you're comparing it to like last time you were sober for the year and a half
(00:33:34):
and going to the airport and like being jealous,
(00:33:36):
it's a very different feeling when you surrender yourself.
(00:33:40):
But actually a lot of the live stream might help other people because you can talk
(00:33:44):
about how you feel.
(00:33:45):
But don't be surprised if you don't really feel anything because I was scared and I just didn't.
(00:33:52):
Yeah,
(00:33:52):
I was thinking the other day,
(00:33:54):
like I had posted a couple of weeks ago that it felt like I was running out of
(00:33:58):
things to do sober for the first time.
(00:34:01):
I feel like since I posted that, I've been noticing all these things.
(00:34:06):
I'm like, they're small things, but things are still coming up.
(00:34:09):
Right.
(00:34:09):
I hosted a party at my house for the first time and I wasn't drinking at my own party.
(00:34:15):
Like little things.
(00:34:16):
The night went fine.
(00:34:17):
I hadn't overthought it, but I'm like, no, there's going to be things forever.
(00:34:20):
I remember so clearly my first time playing pool without a beer in my hand was at rehab.
(00:34:27):
And the first time I went to a bonfire and didn't have beer was just after I got out of rehab.
(00:34:34):
And those were two that I think I'll remember for a long time because it was so
(00:34:38):
empowering to be like,
(00:34:40):
oh,
(00:34:41):
this is still fun.
(00:34:43):
Yeah.
(00:34:44):
Well, I was going to say too, like Valentine's Day is coming up.
(00:34:47):
And I know one of the things that people love hearing is dating and sobriety.
(00:34:53):
And that's like a huge topic,
(00:34:55):
which,
(00:34:55):
you know,
(00:34:56):
we don't really,
(00:34:56):
I don't got much on because we stayed together.
(00:35:01):
And that was our accomplishment.
(00:35:04):
We can talk about being married and being sober, but not as far as really dating.
(00:35:08):
Yeah.
(00:35:09):
done any because you said you hosted kind of your first sober party and I know this
(00:35:13):
is different for a few people as far as you know going out have you gone out with
(00:35:19):
either old friends of yours or even co-workers because I know for me the where I
(00:35:25):
work will go out and have like a work happy hour every quarter or so and nobody
(00:35:32):
that I work with knows I haven't just told him that I'm sober for three years I
(00:35:37):
just thought he got really smart
(00:35:38):
Yeah, I just all of a sudden my productivity just shot up through the roof.
(00:35:42):
But I'll order,
(00:35:44):
you know,
(00:35:44):
either a Topo Chico or a non-alcoholic beer and just kind of blend in because I
(00:35:50):
just don't feel like having to explain my whole backstory and sobriety story.
(00:35:55):
I don't really want to stand out and I don't want my coworkers to look at me any
(00:35:59):
differently because I still joke with them.
(00:36:02):
you know, about hangovers and stuff like that or old stories.
(00:36:07):
And just because I think that's fun and funny to share,
(00:36:10):
but I haven't been outright like,
(00:36:12):
oh,
(00:36:12):
I'm sober now.
(00:36:13):
I guess you should ask, was it a sober party?
(00:36:15):
Like, was it people that were in sobriety attending the party?
(00:36:18):
So that actually became a bit of a topic.
(00:36:23):
I had been spending extra time with somebody from my sober group and he said,
(00:36:30):
I invited him to the party and I was like, well, like, you know, we've gone out a few times.
(00:36:33):
Do you want to meet my friend?
(00:36:35):
Like I'm having this party.
(00:36:36):
And when I sent out like the official invitation on WhatsApp or whatever,
(00:36:40):
I said,
(00:36:42):
you know,
(00:36:43):
as everybody knows,
(00:36:44):
I'm sober,
(00:36:45):
but feel free to.
(00:36:46):
And I think the way I worded it was what upset him.
(00:36:49):
But I said, but feel free to bring alcohol and drink your little butt sauce.
(00:36:54):
Because like, I want people to have fun.
(00:36:56):
It's a party, right?
(00:36:58):
And he messaged me a couple days later saying,
(00:37:02):
I think you need to rethink having alcohol at your party.
(00:37:06):
You need to talk to the group.
(00:37:07):
You need to talk to your therapist.
(00:37:09):
I don't think it's a good idea.
(00:37:10):
And I was just kind of like,
(00:37:12):
why do I need a jury to decide on whether I can allow people to have alcohol in my house?
(00:37:19):
it became a heated conversation between the two of us because he was like you're so
(00:37:24):
newly sober I don't think you can handle it and I was like maybe you couldn't but
(00:37:30):
social drinking is not my trigger like I'm actually okay with being around people
(00:37:36):
who are drinking it's more being alone is my most dangerous time alone and sad
(00:37:43):
right like
(00:37:44):
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, whatever the whole.
(00:37:46):
That's my most dangerous time.
(00:37:49):
I like being around people when they get to start loosening up.
(00:37:53):
And I'm pretty lucky in a way that not a lot of my friends are big drinkers.
(00:37:58):
I was the anomaly.
(00:37:59):
I was the asshole who was always too loud and too drunk and everybody else's
(00:38:02):
problem by the end of the night.
(00:38:04):
So...
(00:38:06):
I have been out to a few dinners and little parties and gone out to bars and stuff.
(00:38:11):
And I think it's just a relief for everybody else that I'm not drinking.
(00:38:15):
And it's been eye-opening for me because I realize that other people are not
(00:38:20):
getting like crazy drunk.
(00:38:22):
Like I think when you're drunk, you feel like everybody's as drunk as you are.
(00:38:26):
But, you know, at my party on Saturday, like 25 people were here.
(00:38:30):
And when I was cleaning up, there was 10 empties total.
(00:38:36):
Like I was like calling people like, did you bring your empties home?
(00:38:38):
Like, why is there no like alcohol here?
(00:38:42):
I was so surprised.
(00:38:43):
And it was like, yeah, not everybody drank.
(00:38:45):
A bunch of people drove here and there was some sober people.
(00:38:49):
And the people that did drink just had like two or three, I guess.
(00:38:53):
And I never would have clocked that.
(00:38:56):
If it was like me drinking, I would have drank my two bottles of wine.
(00:38:59):
I would have been obnoxious and assumed that everybody was as drunk as I was.
(00:39:04):
Yeah,
(00:39:04):
because I wanted to add,
(00:39:05):
because I know everybody's different as far as when they looked at that.
(00:39:08):
We had a sober Super Bowl and we made sure that everyone was just sober.
(00:39:14):
Yeah, I was the opposite.
(00:39:16):
I was like, don't bring alcohol.
(00:39:18):
It took me a while, you know?
(00:39:20):
Everyone's different.
(00:39:22):
But, you know, you said you stood your ground.
(00:39:24):
I don't think you need... Colin didn't care, though.
(00:39:27):
Yeah,
(00:39:27):
and I don't think you should feel ashamed or,
(00:39:29):
you know,
(00:39:30):
like you said,
(00:39:30):
ask a committee,
(00:39:31):
like,
(00:39:31):
is this a good idea?
(00:39:32):
I mean, you can get
(00:39:33):
other people's opinions but if you are comfortable like you said you've already
(00:39:37):
been to dinner parties or bars and you figured out what's your trigger and you
(00:39:43):
still want to go out and enjoy you know seeing your family or seeing your friends
(00:39:47):
because that's kind of who you are because
(00:39:50):
I've gone to a few bars or restaurants to hang with people.
(00:39:53):
And like you said,
(00:39:54):
I realized,
(00:39:55):
well,
(00:39:56):
I was the one that was instigating all this drinking because I've said it before on
(00:40:01):
the podcast.
(00:40:01):
When I sobered up, I realized how lame some of my friends were.
(00:40:07):
I was like, geez, or they're taking tiny shots or, you know, just drink two beers.
(00:40:13):
I'm like, that's all you're doing.
(00:40:15):
All right.
(00:40:15):
Yeah.
(00:40:16):
Yeah.
(00:40:17):
And if you if that was not a problem for you,
(00:40:20):
I again,
(00:40:21):
the airport like I was more I did not want to touch empty alcohol like I did not
(00:40:26):
want to have to clean it up.
(00:40:27):
I didn't want it in the house like it took me a while to come to the terms of.
(00:40:31):
I was mad at alcohol for a while like I was it was on my resentments, you know, of.
(00:40:40):
thinking that alcohol destroyed my life.
(00:40:42):
You know, alcohol is the reason I had no job.
(00:40:44):
Alcohol, and it's not true.
(00:40:46):
I was the reason.
(00:40:47):
I didn't have, you know, it's but a symptom, like you said, is what we realized.
(00:40:52):
We couldn't even listen to music that had alcohol.
(00:40:54):
Oh my God.
(00:40:55):
I just thought it was fun.
(00:40:57):
but you took a little bit longer than me.
(00:40:59):
And I was so dead serious about this recovery.
(00:41:02):
Like I was all in.
(00:41:03):
I just don't think I had, I didn't know how else to do it because I was so scared.
(00:41:08):
I didn't even know that it'd last for forever.
(00:41:09):
At three months, I definitely wasn't like, this is a forever thing.
(00:41:13):
I think it was probably till, well, I don't know.
(00:41:17):
It clicks when it clicks.
(00:41:18):
It's just listening to the similarities and not the differences.
(00:41:22):
Yeah.
(00:41:23):
I remember when I first got sober, I was literally crying in rehab.
(00:41:30):
I was talking to the group therapy,
(00:41:32):
like we were talking and I started crying when I realized that on my wedding day,
(00:41:38):
like I'm still not married.
(00:41:39):
This is, you know,
(00:41:40):
little girl dream but i was like on my wedding day i'm not going to be able to have
(00:41:43):
a drink that's not fair and like i literally was crying about it like that i had
(00:41:49):
gotten i had ruined my life to the point that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass
(00:41:52):
of champagne on my wedding day and i am so happy to say that i am not worried about
(00:41:58):
that anymore i would actually be terrified to get drunk in front of all those
(00:42:02):
people while they're staring at me all day it has been a total flip right
(00:42:07):
Yeah, I cried that I wouldn't be able to drink at my son's wedding.
(00:42:11):
I was going to be the weird mom.
(00:42:13):
And I and again, that's like so far.
(00:42:16):
It's a future tripping.
(00:42:18):
We got remarried because we only wanted to get remarried because I was pregnant at
(00:42:24):
our wedding and I wanted to drink and his mom was going to pay for a full open bar.
(00:42:29):
We could either go to a full trip to Denmark.
(00:42:32):
Or have our next wedding with a full bar paid for.
(00:42:35):
And we picked the bar wedding.
(00:42:38):
The trip to Denmark is still on the table.
(00:42:41):
I don't know.
(00:42:41):
You've got to call your mom for that one.
(00:42:44):
But that was how important it was in my life.
(00:42:49):
And that's definitely not how it is today.
(00:42:51):
Yeah.
(00:42:52):
Yeah.
(00:42:53):
There are all those little things that I know I had those thoughts and I can't remember,
(00:42:57):
but it was like,
(00:42:58):
oh,
(00:42:58):
I'm never going to be able to share a beer with Evan when he's 21.
(00:43:01):
You were sad as you cut in orange because you were like,
(00:43:06):
I just realized I will never be able to have a blue moon.
(00:43:10):
And I was like, dude.
(00:43:13):
Like,
(00:43:13):
that's what you think about when you cut oranges,
(00:43:15):
that that's like someone saying they smell the cinnamon candle and they're like,
(00:43:19):
it smells like fireball.
(00:43:20):
And it's like, no, it's cinnamon.
(00:43:22):
Like, that's just a regular flavor.
(00:43:24):
Yeah.
(00:43:26):
Not fireball.
(00:43:28):
And I was like, OK.
(00:43:30):
And this, again, is at the time where he's like not.
(00:43:32):
If you cut an orange and you automatically think of beer, there's something there.
(00:43:37):
Yeah.
(00:43:39):
I used to drink screwdrivers with my thing.
(00:43:42):
And I was out to brunch with a bunch of my friends and I had ordered an orange juice.
(00:43:47):
And I drank it and I was like, there's something wrong with this orange juice.
(00:43:51):
So I'm like making everybody taste it.
(00:43:53):
I'm like, this has gone bad.
(00:43:54):
They gave me something that's gone bad.
(00:43:56):
And eventually my friend looks at me and she's like,
(00:43:58):
do you think it's maybe just because there's no vodka in it?
(00:44:02):
And I was like, cool.
(00:44:03):
So I have now forgotten what orange juice is supposed to taste like.
(00:44:07):
Yeah, no, that's... And we just talked about that in the last... We were like,
(00:44:14):
I said, I don't miss the margaritas.
(00:44:16):
But again, I was probably making them wrong because I wanted a splash of mix.
(00:44:20):
You know, I wanted to taste all the tequila.
(00:44:24):
And if I were to taste one that were made correctly,
(00:44:27):
which I don't have any desire to,
(00:44:29):
but I'd probably be like,
(00:44:30):
this tastes weird.
(00:44:32):
And again, because I wanted full alcohol.
(00:44:34):
If I couldn't taste the alcohol, it wasn't strong enough.
(00:44:37):
Most people don't want to taste the alcohol.
(00:44:39):
Yeah.
(00:44:39):
which I didn't realize for a long time.
(00:44:42):
I was always like double, triple, whatever.
(00:44:44):
I need to like actually feel like I'm having a drink.
(00:44:48):
And that's not,
(00:44:49):
there's a reason why there's all those flavors in it because you're not supposed to
(00:44:52):
want to taste the boot.
(00:44:53):
Isn't that crazy?
(00:44:54):
Why would you want to take it?
(00:44:58):
And then I would try and get the strongest beer.
(00:45:00):
If I did have to drink to beer, I'm like, I want the 13% one.
(00:45:03):
That's like a super thick, like, and I don't even enjoy it.
(00:45:08):
I was just drinking it.
(00:45:09):
I'm like, well, if it's the highest potency and they only, this is a beer.
(00:45:14):
If they didn't have wine, because I would usually default to wine.
(00:45:17):
Yeah, I mean, it's just silly.
(00:45:19):
I think back and I'm like, the insanity I put myself through.
(00:45:25):
And there's a lot of relief in that today.
(00:45:26):
Yeah.
(00:45:29):
So it's amazing.
(00:45:30):
And it feels so much better.
(00:45:33):
So I hope that on your hundredth day, you're kind of reminiscing that it's a total change.
(00:45:39):
I mean...
(00:45:41):
Thinking about probably your first day to today, I just remember celebrating the hundred.
(00:45:46):
We just got I got a coin for a thousand days.
(00:45:49):
Oh, yeah.
(00:45:50):
You know, I would have never thought I would have made it that far.
(00:45:54):
And it's just one day at a time.
(00:45:56):
Keep sharing.
(00:45:57):
You're real.
(00:45:57):
They're awesome.
(00:45:58):
I bet they're helping a ton of people.
(00:46:00):
I can't imagine that they're not because I already see all the likes and comments on them.
(00:46:04):
And it's just really cool.
(00:46:05):
And I think you said you want to eventually start your YouTube channel,
(00:46:09):
which I think you could already do now.
(00:46:11):
You got all the equipment for it.
(00:46:14):
Well, I'd like to get a microphone.
(00:46:15):
I don't even have a microphone.
(00:46:18):
So I actually was looking for one last night.
(00:46:20):
I want to feel confident that it won't be just my mom watching.
(00:46:25):
So I'm like,
(00:46:26):
in my head,
(00:46:26):
I'm like,
(00:46:26):
I'm going to wait till I have 2,000 followers and then I'll start the YouTube channel.
(00:46:30):
I mean, even if it is.
(00:46:31):
Nothing wrong with the moms watching.
(00:46:32):
There's nothing wrong with the moms watching.
(00:46:34):
Mother-in-law will be watching this soon.
(00:46:36):
But I mean, you got to start.
(00:46:37):
You think of everyone who said, you know, Jeff Bezos started in his garage.
(00:46:42):
And did he think he was going to sell that many books?
(00:46:44):
No.
(00:46:45):
But, you know, Amazon.
(00:46:46):
Buy all the books.
(00:46:47):
She probably bought some.
(00:46:48):
And I've learned, I've learned that when I, with the, the even podcasts and podcasts,
(00:46:58):
I try to remember my why,
(00:47:00):
and that would be my advice to anyone else who's about to start a podcast or a
(00:47:04):
YouTube channel.
(00:47:05):
It's like our why is because we want to share that we do recover, that we can get sober.
(00:47:12):
If one person watches it and like it helps them get sober, like that was our only goal.
(00:47:17):
Well, I don't know.
(00:47:18):
I mean,
(00:47:18):
it would be nice if we at least got equal because we've now put all of our money
(00:47:22):
into the podcast and it's like,
(00:47:23):
OK,
(00:47:24):
where's the return?
(00:47:25):
And not at least just enough to cover the cost of like what it costs to run,
(00:47:29):
you know,
(00:47:30):
a YouTube or podcast because all these services are not free,
(00:47:34):
unfortunately.
(00:47:35):
But I mean, you can do it with minimal equipment and just remembering your why.
(00:47:39):
I think your videos look great.
(00:47:40):
Thank you.
(00:47:41):
I got a ring light for Christmas.
(00:47:42):
I'm really happy about that, actually.
(00:47:44):
It's like really helped with the lighting situation.
(00:47:46):
I have windows all along the one side of my apartment.
(00:47:49):
So I always had the spooky shadow on me.
(00:47:51):
And now I don't.
(00:47:53):
But yeah, the why is huge.
(00:47:55):
And I once in a while will get like a really nice inbox message from somebody who
(00:48:02):
I've never spoken to.
(00:48:03):
It's always like in the request folder, right?
(00:48:05):
And a few times I've had people reach out and say like,
(00:48:08):
you know, I was struggling and I was about to go to the liquor store.
(00:48:13):
And because I saw your video, I'm not going there right now.
(00:48:15):
I'm going to like give it one more day.
(00:48:17):
And like,
(00:48:17):
whenever I get a little message like that,
(00:48:19):
or someone saying like I've helped in any way,
(00:48:21):
it reminds me to like,
(00:48:24):
stop looking at the fucking view.
(00:48:26):
Stop looking at the light and just like,
(00:48:28):
keep doing this because that's why I want to be doing it.
(00:48:31):
I want to be connecting with people.
(00:48:32):
That was the whole point in the beginning.
(00:48:35):
And the more people I can help, the,
(00:48:38):
more like, you know, vindiction.
(00:48:40):
Yeah.
(00:48:42):
The better I'll feel about what I'm doing, right?
(00:48:44):
Being vulnerable is important.
(00:48:46):
It is being vulnerable.
(00:48:47):
And the way that I use the analytics and metrics,
(00:48:50):
it's like,
(00:48:51):
it kind of helps me see like what people want to hear about.
(00:48:54):
So like when I'm posting about a subject,
(00:48:56):
it's like,
(00:48:56):
okay,
(00:48:57):
what content,
(00:48:57):
what did I say in this video that like people liked so much more?
(00:49:01):
Cause that's probably what people want to hear.
(00:49:03):
it's the usually the newly sober and the funny stuff like you know
(00:49:09):
That's what people like hearing about how we like our drinks to taste more like
(00:49:13):
alcohol than,
(00:49:15):
you know,
(00:49:15):
orange juice doesn't taste right.
(00:49:16):
I just thought about has the support been different or better the same from your
(00:49:22):
friends and family from the first time you went sober to now getting sober?
(00:49:27):
Because you said now you're doing it for you.
(00:49:29):
But has your support been different or the same or better from, you know, your mom or friends?
(00:49:36):
I think it's been a lot better, but it's more it's not on anybody but me.
(00:49:41):
It's because I'm being better and more tolerable to be around.
(00:49:45):
I think the first time I got sober, I was really pissed off at my family.
(00:49:50):
I was actually like currently not speaking to a lot of them.
(00:49:54):
I was very isolated from my friends.
(00:49:57):
I didn't feel comfortable being around alcohol because I wanted it so bad.
(00:50:01):
And I was like white knuckling every day.
(00:50:04):
And so I almost like had like destroyed my own support system.
(00:50:09):
And now because I do interact with the world and I do go to family dinner,
(00:50:15):
people can be there for me.
(00:50:16):
I think letting people in has been a huge part of this as well and being open about
(00:50:22):
it and yeah,
(00:50:24):
letting people see that like I am doing better.
(00:50:27):
And I think like one thing that comes up constantly is people tell me I'm glowing
(00:50:32):
and like,
(00:50:33):
thank God I haven't had sex in a while or I'd be like so stressed that I was pregnant.
(00:50:36):
But
(00:50:38):
Yeah,
(00:50:38):
hearing that that word over and over and over again,
(00:50:41):
I'm like something from the inside is coming out.
(00:50:45):
It's not like a routine.
(00:50:47):
It's like it's my soul.
(00:50:49):
And I think that makes it easier to connect with people, too.
(00:50:54):
If you look at your eyes in old pictures,
(00:50:56):
like that was a big one for me that it's like the glow of your clear eyes.
(00:51:01):
And I mean,
(00:51:03):
obviously not putting alcohol in your body,
(00:51:05):
it will help like just naturally you're not putting a poison in your body.
(00:51:11):
So your skin does start like, but there is a certain glow about when you're like,
(00:51:16):
Again,
(00:51:16):
you're not thinking of all those other things like,
(00:51:18):
oh,
(00:51:18):
my God,
(00:51:19):
how am I going to drive home?
(00:51:20):
You're not having to think of all that stuff.
(00:51:22):
All you're thinking about is the moment you're in, you know, and that is low because you're
(00:51:27):
you're comfortable in your own skin.
(00:51:29):
And I think people can see like when you're not comfortable in your skin,
(00:51:32):
you know,
(00:51:33):
especially if you're like,
(00:51:35):
I think you're similar more to me.
(00:51:36):
You can definitely I'm in it.
(00:51:39):
You can feel my mood.
(00:51:40):
You know, even when I try not to now, it's just still I'm outspoken.
(00:51:45):
I voice my opinion.
(00:51:47):
I don't really hold back, you know, so.
(00:51:49):
Those kinds of things,
(00:51:50):
people can feel the glow because it's cool to be around someone who's comfortable
(00:51:56):
and authentic and they know what they're doing is something that they love doing.
(00:52:00):
You know that you're being happy.
(00:52:02):
You're treating your body the way you want it.
(00:52:04):
It's a crazy disease.
(00:52:09):
and it's so bad for so many parts of you is like really what I'm coming to realize
(00:52:14):
is like,
(00:52:15):
I was always so tired,
(00:52:17):
so irritable,
(00:52:18):
like nothing was regulating itself in my body the way it was supposed to.
(00:52:23):
Like I was relying on a million different drugs at all times that were,
(00:52:27):
none of them were prescribed by anybody either.
(00:52:29):
Right.
(00:52:29):
It's like, you're figuring out a way like, Hey, I need the sleeping pills.
(00:52:32):
I need the booze.
(00:52:32):
I need the weed for my anxiety.
(00:52:34):
I need to take the, have the coffee because I stayed up too late.
(00:52:37):
And,
(00:52:38):
It becomes this like horrible cocktail.
(00:52:40):
And now I can just be like,
(00:52:42):
okay,
(00:52:43):
I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired because I woke up on time today.
(00:52:47):
And then tomorrow I'll wake up on time.
(00:52:49):
And, you know, I drank my water, so I'm feeling fine.
(00:52:53):
And yeah,
(00:52:54):
it's really kind of a cool feeling after,
(00:52:57):
you know,
(00:52:58):
drinking for essentially now what's most of my life to...
(00:53:04):
just being a healthy person.
(00:53:06):
I mean, like, oh, so my body can just, you know, do this and it don't.
(00:53:13):
Yeah, it's amazing.
(00:53:14):
And that's, you know, it's only going to get better and better.
(00:53:17):
At least it did for me,
(00:53:19):
you know,
(00:53:19):
or at least it's cool that it's one day at a time that it's like,
(00:53:23):
OK,
(00:53:23):
if today was a hard day,
(00:53:25):
I just got to make it to bed.
(00:53:26):
And,
(00:53:27):
you know,
(00:53:27):
knowing that I'm going to sleep well without having to sleep was something that was
(00:53:31):
amazing for
(00:53:34):
Because I always had trouble sleeping, drinking.
(00:53:36):
And I'm like,
(00:53:37):
oh yeah,
(00:53:37):
I can make it till I hit my bed tonight and I can wake up tomorrow and it's a new day.
(00:53:42):
If you're creating even content,
(00:53:44):
it's another reason of like,
(00:53:45):
oh yeah,
(00:53:45):
well,
(00:53:45):
I want to stay sober because I want to keep doing that.
(00:53:48):
And it's...
(00:53:51):
the accountability, regulation, like everything you're saying.
(00:53:53):
I also think it's cool.
(00:53:55):
And I'm sure when we do get sober,
(00:53:57):
you find out you have these kind of hidden skills or passions that you didn't know
(00:54:02):
you have.
(00:54:03):
And I think yours is this new content creating you.
(00:54:07):
social media and wanting to do YouTube.
(00:54:09):
Because one thing I do like to ask people who are newly sober is if they've picked
(00:54:13):
up a new hobby or they're either going to the gym or playing a certain sport or
(00:54:17):
they're doing some sort of arts and crafts,
(00:54:20):
whether it's painting or music.
(00:54:23):
And I think for us and you especially, it's podcasting.
(00:54:27):
Well, that came at way later.
(00:54:29):
I know.
(00:54:29):
But you did find this kind of secret passion you didn't know you had.
(00:54:34):
Yeah.
(00:54:34):
I kind of fell back on playing tennis because that was something I grew up doing.
(00:54:38):
And it was something I always associated not drinking with.
(00:54:42):
And it was like, oh, I can go back to this old childhood passion that I had that
(00:54:47):
you know, I didn't associate with drinking.
(00:54:50):
So it kind of brought back this childhood fun for me to be able to go back and do and enjoy.
(00:54:56):
And then you figured out,
(00:54:58):
you know,
(00:54:58):
or do you have something else that you like to do or that you started doing?
(00:55:04):
Well, I think bringing up a childhood thing is huge because
(00:55:08):
A lot of things that I did when I was a kid have become fun again.
(00:55:11):
Like I was a huge bookworm and I'm now like blowing through books like I used to.
(00:55:16):
I was really athletic and now I'm back into running and I haven't missed a day at
(00:55:21):
the gym in like 70 something days.
(00:55:25):
And yeah,
(00:55:26):
it's like you fill your time with things that you're like,
(00:55:29):
oh,
(00:55:29):
I used to like doing this.
(00:55:30):
I wonder if I still do.
(00:55:31):
And it's just as fun.
(00:55:34):
Yeah, because you were not hungover.
(00:55:35):
Yeah.
(00:55:36):
Yeah.
(00:55:37):
That was one of the things for me was I didn't want to sign up for a class or anything.
(00:55:42):
Because, well, like, what if I want to drink that day?
(00:55:44):
Right.
(00:55:45):
Yeah, exactly.
(00:55:47):
And then Rachel even said you started reading more.
(00:55:50):
That was when you because you're when we were drunk, you didn't want to read.
(00:55:53):
It was too hard.
(00:55:55):
Look at all those words.
(00:55:57):
You know, it's like triple lines.
(00:55:59):
I could see triple like and I was like, this is good.
(00:56:02):
So no.
(00:56:04):
Well, even going drunk on social media was a problem.
(00:56:07):
I would delete apps sometimes if I knew it was going to be a wild night because I'm like,
(00:56:10):
I don't want to post.
(00:56:12):
Or delete friends.
(00:56:14):
I deleted a lot of friends and I had to apologize the next day and it was very awkward.
(00:56:18):
And yes, thank you.
(00:56:19):
You always bring that up.
(00:56:20):
Yes, I would delete and re-add friends because I got angry when I was drunk and I'd have to...
(00:56:26):
Once we became married and we shared family and I get mad at his family and I
(00:56:30):
delete them,
(00:56:30):
then it became weird because then Christmas is around and they're like,
(00:56:34):
oh,
(00:56:34):
so you unfriended me.
(00:56:35):
And I was like, I don't know.
(00:56:36):
I was real drunk and I'll bring it to you.
(00:56:40):
And it's like, this is not normal conversations that people have.
(00:56:43):
And then I would just drink more because I'm like, this is uncomfortable.
(00:56:47):
And I don't ever have to unfriend anyone.
(00:56:50):
I have not unfriended one person since I got sober.
(00:56:53):
What a brag.
(00:56:57):
I can relate, though.
(00:56:57):
I totally did the same thing.
(00:56:59):
And there's such an awkward feeling when you have to send that friend request.
(00:57:03):
And then they're like, oh, what happened?
(00:57:06):
I got super worked up all by myself.
(00:57:08):
And I guess I was really mad.
(00:57:10):
Just the thumb slipped on the.
(00:57:12):
Yeah.
(00:57:14):
I am grateful to say have not done that in sobriety.
(00:57:17):
So, you know, we're on a good roll right now.
(00:57:21):
So, yeah, we're good.
(00:57:23):
I don't have to apologize for things like that anymore because even if I get angry,
(00:57:28):
I never will go to the point,
(00:57:30):
or at least I should say,
(00:57:33):
I don't feel the need to like anything.
(00:57:36):
There's nothing so drastic.
(00:57:38):
You know, it was the alcoholism.
(00:57:41):
induced like and I also like drama a lot more and like today I do not care for
(00:57:47):
drama it's not my thing like we used to chant juice juice juice juice juice when we
(00:57:53):
heard like something like
(00:57:55):
Yeah, someone's got a story.
(00:57:56):
That doesn't feel good today.
(00:57:59):
I don't want to, like, enjoy someone else's trauma.
(00:58:02):
Like, I want to go find out how to re-help them.
(00:58:06):
Right?
(00:58:06):
Like,
(00:58:07):
I remember when I was doing my master's degree,
(00:58:09):
we were in a travel program,
(00:58:11):
and I was the youngest by,
(00:58:13):
like,
(00:58:13):
a lot.
(00:58:14):
Like,
(00:58:14):
11 years was the difference between me and the next oldest person,
(00:58:17):
and the oldest person in me was,
(00:58:19):
like,
(00:58:19):
a 50-year gap.
(00:58:20):
So I was this, like, little party girl, and they would basically, like,
(00:58:25):
be waiting for me at breakfast to be like what did you get up to last night you
(00:58:29):
know and i'd have like all these stories like oh i went here and i went here and
(00:58:32):
then this happened i lost my phone and it was like this like source of
(00:58:36):
entertainment for everyone and looking back i am like so incredibly embarrassed
(00:58:41):
about that like why why were they all encouraging me
(00:58:46):
Well,
(00:58:47):
you know,
(00:58:47):
again,
(00:58:48):
those are things that you just see when we look back and we're like,
(00:58:50):
well,
(00:58:51):
I don't have to do it again.
(00:58:52):
There's going to be someone who wants to ask you a question when you start your
(00:58:56):
YouTube channel,
(00:58:57):
you know,
(00:58:57):
like,
(00:58:58):
hey,
(00:58:59):
I'm going through that.
(00:58:59):
And you'll be like, oh, girl, I've been there, too.
(00:59:01):
Like, yeah, I telling in I didn't have a filter.
(00:59:04):
I would tell really uncomfortable stories and to where they're like,
(00:59:07):
Rachel,
(00:59:08):
you need to go home like no filter.
(00:59:10):
No, I did no business talking about that again.
(00:59:15):
that honest feeling in my heart is like,
(00:59:19):
if I do something out of that,
(00:59:21):
I'm immediately wanting to fix it.
(00:59:23):
Like it doesn't feel good.
(00:59:24):
So, and it sounds like that's, that's where you're at too.
(00:59:29):
So, well, keep in touch and I will, I'm going to post your Instagram in the show notes below.
(00:59:36):
Is there anything else you want me to add?
(00:59:38):
Or I think I have everything from what you filled out.
(00:59:41):
yeah as far as how people can reach out and i'm going to make clips of this and i
(00:59:45):
will send you the whole video as well so that way you can make clips if you'd like
(00:59:50):
be on the lookout for your youtube channel yeah that's exciting yeah we i don't i
(00:59:56):
haven't done a live yet in a while but i have to remind myself like just why am i
(01:00:04):
doing this and
(01:00:06):
The why helps on the hard days,
(01:00:08):
like where I don't feel like making a podcast or talking about it.
(01:00:12):
And I'm like, who am I talking to?
(01:00:14):
Well, I'm talking to the Rachel that didn't think sobriety was possible.
(01:00:20):
That's for I'm doing this because I saw other people on TikTok that were sober and
(01:00:25):
I would go delete.
(01:00:27):
undelete and then follow and unfollow because when I was drunk, I'd unfollow and get mad.
(01:00:31):
That's so funny that you bring that up.
(01:00:32):
I actually this morning was like,
(01:00:34):
because I'm like just inching on 1400 followers and I'm like so close and then like
(01:00:39):
two people unfollow me.
(01:00:41):
And like last night between like midnight and this morning,
(01:00:44):
I lost like three followers and I was like,
(01:00:46):
I get so hurt,
(01:00:47):
right?
(01:00:47):
Because I'm watching those numbers and I'm like,
(01:00:50):
Maybe they just decided they were going to drink, you know?
(01:00:53):
And it's true.
(01:00:55):
But also there's so many bots now that I got told by someone that they're like on
(01:00:59):
this bot thing.
(01:01:00):
So if you're losing people, it might not even be a real person.
(01:01:04):
And so don't get your thoughts.
(01:01:06):
It hurt my feelings too.
(01:01:07):
I'm like, we put out that we were going to do the Zoom.
(01:01:10):
And like, I got more unsubscribes than attenders.
(01:01:14):
And I was like, oh my God.
(01:01:16):
And I'm like, this is...
(01:01:18):
I was so devastated.
(01:01:20):
And I'm like,
(01:01:20):
I have to remember,
(01:01:21):
this is a niche,
(01:01:23):
you know,
(01:01:23):
like we're talking to people that they might not be sober yet.
(01:01:26):
They might be sober.
(01:01:28):
They might be struggling.
(01:01:29):
And I used to unfollow and follow.
(01:01:32):
And it's part of what got me to be sober, you know.
(01:01:36):
So it just took what it took.
(01:01:39):
I would follow, unfollow.
(01:01:41):
And she looks so happy.
(01:01:43):
And I would be
(01:01:46):
There'd be stints,
(01:01:47):
and I'm very thankful for just if we can help carry a message or something hits or
(01:01:54):
something relates,
(01:01:55):
because you really never know when it will.
(01:01:59):
All right.
(01:01:59):
Well, thank you for coming on.
(01:02:01):
Thank you, Chris.
(01:02:02):
Thank you for your time.
(01:02:03):
Thank you for listening to Sober Banter.
(01:02:04):
Chris,
(01:02:05):
we're so...
(01:02:05):
I don't want to be like,
(01:02:07):
we're so blessed,
(01:02:08):
but I do feel very grateful that...
(01:02:13):
That and Journey.
(01:02:14):
Blast and Journey are my two trigger words.
(01:02:16):
They say in sobriety.
(01:02:18):
Yes.
(01:02:19):
Okay.
(01:02:20):
Thank you.
(01:02:20):
Bye-bye.