Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.
Ep121_toxic
===
Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] So some of you are going to love this podcast episode and others of you are not, but
I really hope that you realize that this can be a tremendous benefit to you to realize and understand this topic. And what we're talking about today is don't get sucked down by toxic people. Okay? This is three truths [00:01:00] that you must understand to not get sucked down, sucked down the drain. This is episode number 121 of the Decide Your Legacy podcast.
This topic is so important because we spend time with people and unfortunately, we can be around people who are very good at bringing us down and we don't even actually know it. And they can be people that we love, and they're our good friends, and people in our family, but because we are growth oriented in making shifts in our lives to be better and bigger and to challenge ourselves, that's making them very uncomfortable, and they're trying to drag us down and not support us when they really could be a great support, but it's triggering their insecurities.
And what I have found is that only about 25 percent of people in this world are willing to be growth oriented. They're not the people, they want to stay safe. 75 percent of you will want to stay safe. They don't really want to, when you ask them, they act like they don't, but their actions will indicate that they just want to play it [00:02:00] safe.
When I have found nothing is more valuable to your mental health than facing your fears. And nothing is more damaging to your mental health than just going ahead and playing it safe. So welcome to the Decide Your Legacy podcast.
We're talking about not letting ~toxic people, ~toxic people drag us down. I'm Adam Gragg. I'm a coach, a content creator, a speaker. I've been a mental health professional for 25 years. And my passion is to help people find clarity in their life so they can start thinking healthy and they can face their fears and live their legacy.
I talk about stuff I struggle with myself. I don't have this all figured out. I'm a fellow traveler and I'm on this amazing journey called life. ~with you today. I've struggled with this. I do struggle with this. ~It's discouraging to try and make strides in your life only to find out that people are trying to drag you down, ~who you're expecting to want, ~who you would expect would support you.
So as I do every episode, I want to share something uncomfortable that I did. ~and ~One uncomfortable that I think that I have done is I decided to, well, oh man, I've decided to do a [00:03:00] number of uncomfortable things, but one of them, it may not seem that uncomfortable, but I'm not sleeping with any digital content in my room any longer.
So it's only a solid old school, very loud alarm clock. And yes, I did sleep through some. I didn't actually turn it on once cause I just getting used to this alarm clock. And I ended up sleeping in that did happen. So that was a risk that I took. One risk I took was to share a compliment with somebody I didn't know in a restaurant.
Awkward, but really good, really positive. Trying to be a good finder and do things that are scaring me. Of course, I can work on that, but this is the podcast that you do. You don't just listen to it. Okay? So that means that you take an action and you get to do some uncomfortable things as well. So what I want you to think about right now is what is the reason that You believe you get sucked into toxic type relationships.
So what is a fear that may be driving that? Is it a habit? Is it a fear of missing out? Is it not wanting to let somebody [00:04:00] down? Is it that you feel as if you'll be rejected by somebody if you have boundaries? What is it? And then for little bonuses, who might be somebody in your life that you probably should have more boundaries with because they're kind of toxic as well.
~So let's go ahead and jump right in. ~So people are both healthy and unhealthy. So I have family members who have been some of the most encouraging people in my life when I've gone through challenging situations and circumstances, and they've also been some of the most discouraging people in my life in other situations.
So people can be both healthy and unhealthy, all right? They can be toxic and not toxic, and what I find is that people become toxic when they're not aware of how they're thinking and feeling in the moment, and they're being reactive, ~and then There are also two things happen, you know, ~if I am not in a good place, then I'm more apt to getting sucked into other people and their drama, all right?
~So ~if I am not healthy myself, if I'm not working in good habits into my life, if I'm not making sure that I have boundaries, if I'm not keeping commitments to myself, then I'm more apt to give other people the power to be [00:05:00] toxic in my life. I get irritated with people. ~many times ~because I do the same thing myself.
But how do we know if somebody is toxic? Well, I think there's a lot of different ways, ~but I find that I get irritated by things I struggle with, ~but people that are complainers consistently, or they say they're going to do something they don't follow through. So they say they want to read more, yet they don't read more.
Or they say they want to deal with their drinking problem that they never attend AA meetings. They say they want to get in better shape, yet they never put on workout shoes, or running shoes, or go to the gym. They just talk. They talk a big game, but they don't do anything. They say they want to get healthy and eat healthier, but they still eat crap, you know?
They don't want help. I want to see people that take action. I get irritated by that. I get irritated with myself. So the truth number one for you to grasp ~is number one ~is recognize that you are toxic. We are all toxic. We all have bad days. Some of us are stuck in consistently doing toxic things and we have for a long period of time.
Others, not so much. ~So, But we can all be toxic at times. My irritation at other people is generally an indication that I'm doing something very similar myself.~ So we want to figure out ways [00:06:00] to recognize in ourselves how we aren't taking responsibility ~for ~For our own behavior, how we are being defensive in situations where we could take ownership, how we're resisting accountability rather than accepting it and being grateful for it, how we're being negative, and we're not finding the good in other people, and we're being critical, and we're not actually recognizing it and how we do that consistently, yet ~we are. So ~we are being that negative, dramatic person, stirring up drama, spreading gossip. ~We have ~as ~described in one concept is ~described in the Gospels. I don't know the exact scripture verse, but you know, don't take the speck out of your brother's eye when you got a plank in your own eye.
So look at yourself first. If I get irritated, like I was the other day, I saw somebody on their phone at the pool with their family, and it looked like other people wanted to interact with them, and I had this really judgmental thought, like, look at them, you know, they're just sitting on their phone, ~and they've been on their phone for probably half an hour, ~and their kids are playing in the pool, and all they're doing is, you know, their husband's next to them, wanting to talk, it looked like, or their, whoever it was, I'm [00:07:00] assuming it was husband, and that was my judgmental comments in my mind.
And it may have or may not have been accurate that they were on their phone and neglecting their family. I don't know, but it sure felt easy for me to criticize them, and I have to work on myself first. If I do, then I'm not gonna be so angry and irritated if I look at what I can work on. I had in my friend Doug, challenge me on the content and shatterproof yourself.
saying to me, well, why aren't you practicing this yourself? Because I was going over these seven steps to a giant leap in your mental health that I was challenging clients to apply. And he was saying, well, you're, you're not doing this stuff yourself. Some of it, you're not yourself. So I absolutely can be judgmental and be critical of other people and not want to look at In myself, because it's easier to look at somebody else and say, well, they're doing this wrong, and to not look at myself.
It's uncomfortable to look at myself, to step back from my own life and say, well, I'm having thoughts that aren't healthy, and I have habits that aren't good, [00:08:00] and I'm spreading trash about people when I could be really focusing on something that's really good about my life and being grateful or doing something productive.
And I don't feel like I'm spreading trash about people all the time. But I mean, that's the thing is what am I doing? That's not really healthy in my life. So if you want to work on this, this is an action that I would challenge you to take because action is so important. So ask a friend who's been around you a significant amount of time ~or last the last couple of months ~what they have noticed because you guys have had multiple interactions together.
So somebody you've had multiple interactions with. ~And ~it could be a sibling, it could be somebody you work with, it could be maybe not ~like ~a best friend, but someone that's been around you. And ask them what are the unhealthy habits or tendencies that they recognize in you. It takes a vulnerability to do that.
You know, what could I work on? And listen, and ask them for examples, not in a defensive way. Ask them for more information and even ask them, what else could I work on? And then ask them potentially for suggestions that they might have, and they might not have [00:09:00] any, but they're giving you ~a really valuable, ~some valuable information, and it's going to be vulnerable on their part to be honest with you about what you could work on and then take it seriously.
Take yourself seriously and take what they share with you seriously. People don't take themselves seriously. They don't prioritize themselves and their own self care and the boundaries they first of all have with ~themselves by falling through with for ~themselves, by getting up on time and going to bed on time and falling through with self care and taking care of their mind and their emotions and their spiritual health.
And they don't follow through and keep boundaries with other people as well. So if you grasp this first truth that you are toxic, And that we are toxic, we have tendencies to be toxic, which can shift so quickly because I can be in a state of mind where I'm thinking, you know, this world is negative and people are untrustworthy and they're going to hurt me and I don't want to really spend anytime being hopeful about my future because it's so [00:10:00] negative.
And then I read a book or an article, or I listened to a podcast. I talked to a friend and it's encouraging and hopeful. And then all of a sudden I'm excited about my future and I'm excited about people and I'm excited about what's next and giving back and being a light in the world. And it's that. It's that quick shift that happens that gave me that change from being toxic to being healthy and inspiring.
It's that quick. So if you grasp that truth that you're toxic and you can change it, then you can grasp the second truth, which is that other people are toxic. Yes, other people are toxic too. And you can start because you recognize yourself and you're observing yourself. ~You're stepping back and be, ~you're able to name that you're not being healthy.
You're being overly dramatic. You're getting stuck in negativity. You're being critical. Then you become an observer of other people as well. And it's much better to be an observer of the [00:11:00] drama. That's going on then to be a participant in the drama. So in a couple weeks, my daughter and I are going to New York City.
We're going to see some Broadway shows. I know she wants to see Hamilton and I want to see the Book of Mormon because it sounds like it's funny and creative and interesting, but if you have any other comments on other shows I might like in New York City, we're going to D. C., New York City, and then we're going to go to Montreal, and I'm excited about that too, Quebec as well. So, be an observer of other people's unhealth, and how do you know if somebody's unhealthy? You get a gut feeling that this is drama and they're talking out of emotion, not rationality. You're getting a gut feeling that they're stuck in negativity and it's a cycle, or they're stuck in the past and they're not willing to see how it's impacting their day to day interactions.
It's this intuitive sense that somebody is not in a great spot. Can they move from that spot to a better spot? Yes, they can. And they're much more apt to doing that if you don't get consumed by their toxicity [00:12:00] and you have boundaries with it. So when somebody is a taker and not a creator, a creator is going to be giving life to other people.
If you're a creator, you're very good at seeing someone else's potential and pointing it out to them and showing them the opportunities that they have ahead in their life. You're not taking and utilizing their giftings for your own benefit. You're willing to give and be generous. One way, you know, is if someone's curious about your life.
Or if they're simply asking and looking for opportunities for you to feed into them and everything is about them. And if they can't really listen, that's showing you where their state of mind is right now, where their place is right now. They're not necessarily going to stay there forever, but that's where they are right now.
People that are consistently avoidant of difficult topics or intimate topics are talking about things that are deeper. People that are consumed with any kind of addictive habits all day, every day. So consume with watching cable news, ~consumed with, could be a good thing, but ~consumed with work. I mean, that's not a good thing if it's consuming, but [00:13:00] they could have something like a healthy hobby that they get consumed by and for a period of time, you know, it's all or nothing sort of thing. They don't have the boundaries with it. So you're recognizing that they're trying to pull you into their own drama. And the thing about that is it's very frequent that I see as a mental health professional, that somebody will do something toxic that they know is not helpful for them ~because they're much more comfortable doing that dance than they are ~because they've been there before than doing the next right thing, which could help them get to that next level in their life.
So they don't want to grow. You want to grow, but they want to pull you down where they're comfortable. So they are not facing their own stuff. And that addiction is helping them not have to face their own stuff, whether it's dealing with their past, whether it's dealing with their mindset, whether it's taking a risk in their life to build a new relationship.
Romance, build better relationships with their kids, their spouse, whatever that next great thing is in their life. They don't want to do it. They want to pull you down as well. Some illustrations of this. Just if [00:14:00] you are in a situation where you start to recognize that there's some negativity, just name it and become aware of that dance that's going on.
I was watching the presidential debates with some family and I realized that this probably was going to be an environment where I might be triggered because comments could be made about others who didn't think the same way that they think that were negative. And I would have a problem with that potentially if I was with my daughter, and she was being exposed to this as well.
I didn't get sucked into it. I was able to Look and say, it's not personal, it's not about me, and if it got to be something that I felt was not healthy for my daughter or for me, I was able to, with some distance from it, say, hey, I'm not comfortable with this situation. I wasn't going to make it a huge issue, but I was able to say that I'm not comfortable with, I'm not, it wasn't like I got sucked into the [00:15:00] toxicity, it was just like, I don't agree with that.
You know, and then I brush it off. It didn't drain me. ~I didn't get, ~It didn't ruin my weekend. I mean, in the past, I could let situations like that, that were negative with family especially, ruin a couple days of my life. I would get consumed by them and that was on me. But now I'm able to keep enough distance to be an observer, not a participant.
Okay, they can be on the stage going through their stuff, but I'm going to sit in the audience with a front row seat and ~I'm going to Don't tell them this, but ~I'm going to laugh at some of it and I'm going to push back on some of it and I'm going to find a way to still love them and be kind, but I'm not going to get consumed by it.
I'm not going to participate in it. I'm an observer, not a participant. So an action you can take here is, what are those things in other people that you recognize that bother you? Be aware of what they might be. Are you noticing that you have some coworkers that tend to find things that bother you? The negative much quicker than the positive.
You're noticing that you have some close friends that tend to avoid those difficult conversations or the difficult circumstances in their life. And it's starting to [00:16:00] get to you. You're recognizing it. Are you recognizing that there are people that infringe on your boundaries? And don't respect the fact that you have set up a boundary, but they keep pushing and they keep pushing.
Not in the polite, respectful type way. It's in an emotional, disrespectful type way, which that isn't healthy. Are you going to be aware and do something about it? Because once you become aware of it, then you can start changing it not by just never talking to the person again.
But for me, it's, I love these people. It's not an issue being around them, but I'm going to have real boundaries with them. And you can say something that is corrective or that is disagreeing with their perspective and not let it bring you down. ~It, ~You can really love somebody and care about them and want the best for them and also point out some things that are inconsistent in their life because you want the best for them and you want the best for your company and you want the best for your team and that's just fine.
You know, today I had to tell an employee. about something that [00:17:00] I was just talking about punctuality. I had to point out some inconsistency that I had seen and I was positive about it. I made it and set the tone where I didn't feel like it was a huge deal, but I wanted to make sure it was known that this kind of behavior throws other people off.
~You know, ~We don't start the day on the same footing when everybody is on time versus somebody being late. And eventually, you know, there's consequences to that as an employer that are going to be different than with a friend. ~But, and ~I have some more leverage there as well because I'm the leader and it's my responsibility to make sure everybody is, the team is functioning appropriately.
~And that's crucial kind of thing, but I don't have to let it ruin my day. I can just point it out and then follow through with taking action that establishes good expectations in that area. Here's some way, ~here's a way you can work on these first two truths, and the final one, which I'm going to share with you in just a moment, the third truth, regarding not getting sucked down by toxic people in your life, okay?
The thing I want you to recognize is you can hit the link to Shatterproof yourself. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. This is a brief video and workbook and it's content that I've developed over 25 years working with clients, [00:18:00] thousands of clients. I have worked with over 3, 000 clients at this point in my career, 25 years doing this.
And this is a process that I take clients through and a process you can go through only if you sign up. It's, you're going to gain information, inspiration. You're going to be inspired to take action. There's a four page worksheet. It has actions you can take that will be inspiring for you if you take them and you're only going to get it by hitting the link to shatter proof yourself, check it out.
And if you have grasped those first two truths, that you are toxic and that others are toxic, and then you're going to be able to grasp this third truth. By the way, in this 7 Steps to a Giant Leap in Your Mental Health is going to help you with this third truth as well, because it's something you can put into practice.
Put some attention on to focus on healthy things. So the third truth for you to grasp is your attention is your property.
I first heard this expressed in a very succinct, inspiring way by Dan [00:19:00] Sullivan, the founder of the Strategic Coach. I've been very inspired by his books and by him and his life overall. Really cool guy. I'd love to meet him. I've thought about this concept for many years because it's so empowering to recognize at times in my life that when I'm down and discouraged and I'm getting sucked into drama, I'm not valuing my own focus. That I have the ability at any moment to choose what I'm going to focus on. I can be in a most horrific situation and I've had very difficult situations in my life where all my attention can go towards ~this,~ this betrayal. All my attention can go towards this abandonment or this traumatic situation or this difficult legal situation or this difficult career situation.
But I, in those moments when all my attention can be, and it's tempting to be drawn towards that thing because of my ego, because its job is to keep me safe. And, but because of that, ~I, ~I'm tempted to be sucked [00:20:00] in into anything that can be self protection, but I can still, I still have the will to step out and talk to a good friend about what I'm going through and get a different perspective on it, to read a book and understand and get a different perspective on it, to spend some time praying, to go be around good people at church or good friends in a small group that I've been a part of for 20 years.
I still have the ability to focus my attention. Your attention is your most valuable asset. And you can start taking it back. People talk about time management, but I don't like that term time management. I like the term attention management because I can time block and it can be effective. And I like that skill.
I like having, being able to time block. So I have an hour for preparation for a presentation or I have a half an hour for Preparing for a client or I have ~a half an hour, an hour, or even sometimes ~a half day to prepare for some kind of a event, a workshop potentially that I have in my job, in my career.
And I can, when I time block, ~I'm thinking, when I'm thinking time management, ~I'm thinking, well, I blocked this out for this activity, but I don't necessarily have to even do it [00:21:00] because ~you know, ~my time's blocked out. But, you know, no one's going to know, you know, no one's going to know whether I'm really focusing on preparing.
I'm in my office, man, and I have my door shut, and who's going to know? But if I think attention management, then that limited attention that I have. Now, that's how you know what someone's values are. It's what they pay attention to the most. If somebody says they love their family, if they pay more attention to ~their ~the stock market and the golf course and their business, then you may wonder really what they love the most for where your attention is.
You know, there, your heart goes, there's your value system. Things are reflected by that. So your attention goes to those things that you find valuable. You can channel your attention and you may not be acting like your attention is actually your asset. You may be acting like it's someone else's asset because people in marketing and marketers and businesses and corporations, they know, and they believe that your attention is their asset.
I recently finished a book called No Rules [00:22:00] Rules by Reed Hastings, and it's a great book. It's about Netflix and the management philosophy at Netflix. And Reed Hastings is, the co founder of Netflix, and he co authors it. Excellent book. I thought it was really great. ~I will tell you that I had trouble reading this book.~
At times, because I thought, well, I'm not a huge fan of a lot of the content on Netflix, because I believe that some of these technology companies, their number one objective is to get as much attention from a consumer as possible, regardless of the consequences to that person's life, ~without taking it.~
any consideration to the fact with algorithms and with marketing strategies and that some of that may not be moral. I'm not a subscriber of Netflix for this reason because I find that people and I've seen people and I can get consumed and I have been consumed at times in my life with binge watching TV and I don't want the temptation now.
I do want to have Netflix and I may subscribe to Netflix again.
And I [00:23:00] would recommend the book. To people that want to listen, learn ~a really ~some really great management skills, but the problem I have is like the goal of these companies, whether it's YouTube, which I use or Facebook, which I use professionally and personally a little bit, you know, their goal is to get as much of your attention as possible.
Yet your goal should be to give as little attention as possible. Only the minimal attention that would be necessary to get information or to gather connections with family and friends ~as possible. ~Or in this case of YouTube, ~to give the educational content or ~gain the educational content, not the brain wasting, mind wasting, ADD creating type of content that I find that people can get consumed by, because they're very good at it.
They're smarter than we are. So we want to be very careful. And so if you can realize that they're playing off of your fears, and what is the fear? I mean, the fears that I see people having oftentimes are ~fear of, I mean, it can be ~fear of missing out. It can be fear of being embarrassed by not knowing what is being consumed or not being a part of these social networks.
It can be fear of not being in the [00:24:00] know. It can be being uninformed, ~you know, ~you don't know. So you're not staying attached to the news enough. then you think that maybe ~you'll be dan ~you'll be in danger if you don't watch the news enough and ~my ~I do believe I can get all the news that I need in 15 minutes and it's because I'm selective and try to be selective.
I'm not saying I don't have bad days. I can certainly get consumed and it depends on what's going on in the news because I did, ~you know, ~get consumed in watching commentary on the last ~debate, the ~presidential debate, ~and I did get ~And I didn't feel like that was bad. I mean, it ~was, ~felt like it was fine.
It was just educational. It wasn't like I was abusing it, but you know, more than I would've normally. But I believe you can get all that you need to know in 15 minutes and I would challenge you to try to do so. So your attention is your property and if you own it, you're gonna start getting angry about it.
You know, Emerson sent me a screenshot, my daughter, who's 17 and a half of her phone, and it had about two hours of screen time on it, and she was really proud. She took a screenshot of that screen ~of that. recording how much time she had on the phone. ~And I said, wow, that's awesome because that was really good for her.
And it would be good for me. Hate to say it. I'm trying to work on that, but ~I, ~it would be good for me to be two hours as well, which is really what my goal is to spend her two hours every day. ~And, ~[00:25:00] but I was really proud of her.
I asked her, what did you do today to get under two hours? And she said, well, I read. And she had read this book and she had been doing some writing on that day as well. ~So ~she had been reading Wuthering Heights and she had been writing~ a book, ~a story as well. And then she talked to me about it and she said, and I asked her what it was about.
She said it was a true crime or a crime drama thing. She really did a great job. We had a great conversation about it, but I could just tell how her mind was clear. I could just tell how she was feeling more confident in herself and more inspired because she hadn't been on social media and comparing herself and feeling like she was going to miss out if she wasn't on Snapchat and hearing these things and learning information.
So what I would like to challenge you to do is to start getting angry about your attention and to realize that it can bring you down. And if you don't want to get consumed by toxic stuff, let's just own our attention with toxic people and to know that it's your attention. It's [00:26:00] your, you have free will.
Their lack of boundaries and lack of discipline and their, Toxicity and negativity is not something you have to be consumed by. I am convinced that ~you can be around, not abusive people, but ~you can be around toxic people and learn how to not let them bring you down. At the workplace, in your home, with your family, you may want to choose to have boundaries, but even with your spouse.
As long as it's not an abusive type situation, and there is some situations where you want to have significant boundaries with people you're married to and your kids who are doing things that are not okay in your house, criminal, drug type things, you know, you can't have that in your house. You have to set clear cut physical boundaries, but I'm convinced that we can handle and bear if we learn to step out of it, and to realize that our attention is our property, and we learn to realize that we can be toxic and recognize it in ourselves, and that they are being toxic, and we're going to have to have healthy boundaries with them, you can start making some significant progress and be empowered in most situations that you face, because you know [00:27:00] you can handle it.
And that's confidence, because you know you can handle even these difficult, toxic people that you're going to run across, whether it's your boss, or your co worker, or your brother. ~Brandon, I'm not talking about you, but if it's your brother that is toxic, which I can be a toxic brother, and so can my brother Brandon and my sister.~
~We can all be toxic. Come on. ~So my action to challenge you to work on this, owning your attention and taking it back, is to go ahead and set a stopwatch or a timer on your phone and read a book out loud for 15 minutes. And when you cannot retain something that you just read, then you go back and you won't have that problem because you're reading it out loud.
So your retention is going to go up. If you get distracted though, you're going to start over on that page until you do retain that information. So right now, who are the unhealthy people in your life that you want to apply this content? Who, how are you being unhealthy in a way that you want to work on and apply the content so you can work on this?
~How are you unhealthy at times? And when are you unhealthy at times? ~I want you to comment below. What are the toughest of these three tricks for you to apply? Number one, that you're toxic and to admit that and to own that.
Number two, that others around you are toxic and to admit that and to [00:28:00] own that. Or number three, your attention is your property. Your attention is your property. So this is a way that you can work on your own attention. And this is a way that you can focus on building true friends, and you can focus on shifting your perspective and owning your own emotions and by subscribing to Shatterproof Yourself.
~To Shatterproof Yourself Lite, hit the link and subscribe as well.~ If you want to go deeper with this content, I would challenge you to apply it to your life today. And remember that 20 percent of transformational change is insight. You've gained insight today. 80 percent is action. You're going to make that application as you get clarity and inspiration and you're going to take action.
You can make changes today to not get sucked down the drain by those toxic people in your life by yourself because you can be toxic. So an okay plan that you act on is 100 times better than a great plan that you do not take action with. [00:29:00] Thank you for tuning in. I'm going to sign off the way that I always do.
Make it your mission to live the life now that you want to be remembered for you. 10 years after you're gone, you decide your legacy, no one else. I appreciate you greatly, and I'll see you next time.