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Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
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I work with a lot of couples who are coming from a Christian faith background. And they come to a place in their marriage where things are just not working. They're just not working and they can't quite find their way forward. And when I begin to talk about a therapeutic separation, it's not the first thing that I'll run to by any means. But sometimes you actually need to come there because it's just so many things have been challenging for so long.
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that you're just not making progress and it is time to take a break. And that's where we begin to talk about what would a therapeutic separation look like. But for these couples that are coming from a faith background, thinking about separating feels really tragic and it is tragic to some degree, but as I'm trying to paint the picture, it can actually be a hopeful process because to do the work of getting past these barriers, to get past these...
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moments where your stories are kind of warring against one another, that is actually hopeful. It is actually moving forward. But a lot of these Christian couples, they'll ask me, well, Chris, is this biblical? And that's what I want to talk about today. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno, and I'm a licensed professional counselor and the founder of Restore Counseling. And together with my wife, Beth, and our colleague, Tracy Johnson,
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we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because we believe that when you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. So Christian couples ask me all the time about therapeutic separation. Is it biblical? Does the Bible actually support this kind of movement? Or is there a sense of like, you just gotta push through, don't let the sun go down on your anger. And so we're gonna...
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work on our anger and make sure that we can work, you know, pray through this more, push through and God will show up. And just the reason that you're in this place is that you're not praying hard enough. You guys, all of that stuff, I think is actually detrimental when we begin to talk that way, especially from a Christian perspective. In fact, the Bible does actually support this kind of separation in order for healing to happen in your marriage. You see,
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The Bible says that you should kind of give each other some space both physically and sexually, as well as emotionally and relationally in order for there to be, to be some goodness in order for there to be some healing. Now it's also really clear, and I talked about this in the last video for a time, for a time to give each other some space for a time so that you can come to a place of healing. You see, the Bible,
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loves both men and women and husbands and wives and wants us to find a way to be one and connected and cherishing one another and loving one another and mutually submitting to one another. And a lot of Christian couples find that, hey, if I'm not loving, well, I need to love harder. If I'm not submitting, I need to submit harder. If I'm not praying, I need to pray harder. And the fact is that the harder that you do things doesn't actually get easier. And so,
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in the therapeutic separation space to give yourself a break, to give yourself a few moments, a season, a time, as the Bible talks about, when you're able to catch your breath, where you're able to rest, where you're not always on edge with one another. It allows for some of the body responses, the high levels of stress and cortisol to kind of come down. It helps you regain a little bit of your emotional breath, if you will, of like,
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I've been trying for so long and so hard to find a way forward and I just can't make any progress. It allows for you to just sit down a little bit and to rest. It's actually part of also the biblical narrative of a Sabbath where the Sabbath rest is six days are for working and then a seventh day is for resting. And what God does in the moment of rest is this space of He speaks to you. He...
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He comes to you in scriptures, he comes to you in other ways as well, through other people or other input or sermons or podcasts, those kinds of things to bring a little bit more life back into you. That Sabbath rest is something that I think is really important. And if you've come to the place of needing a therapeutic separation, in all likelihood, you haven't had those moments of rest along the way.
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Now, it's not a therapeutic separation that I recommended all the times, but for every marriage, you guys, for every marriage, I think it's really important for you to have some time apart. And it might just be 12 hours, might be six hours, might be 24 hours. Maybe you know, he will go on a weekend retreat somewhere by himself. She will go on a weekend retreat somewhere by herself. He'll go with the guys somewhere. She'll go with the girls somewhere. Those kinds of moments all along the way.
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are really helpful for the marriage relationship because the reality is we all need a break. We all need a break at some moments and in some times. And so if you've come to the place of therapeutic separation, it's probably because you haven't had those breaks along the way and now you actually need an extended break. So this is kind of like, you know, a stab of thrust in your marriage. And then that can actually be really good. So all that to say, is it biblical? I believe that it is.
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Because God is about the rejuvenation of our hearts. He's about rejuvenation of our love. He's about repentance and healing. He's about recognizing some of where I have been at fault, where I have held the other at fault in some ways, where I need to bring some level of forgiveness, both for my spouse and for myself, so that we can continue moving forward. You know, the space of the wilderness is all throughout the scriptures. Jesus himself,
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took space away from all of his relationships in order to go seek the face of God, in order for him to catch his breath, in order for him to sleep, sometimes he just needed to sleep. And so I think there's something really valuable about doing that in the context of your marriage as well. And especially if it hasn't happened regularly over the course of time, and you've come to the point of just going, I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I need a break. Then take an extended break.
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And I think God will actually show up in some amazing ways for both spouses when they do it in a way that is both honoring to the Lord, honoring to themselves and honoring to one another. So is a therapeutic separation biblical? Because I fully believe that it is. I think the scriptures support it. I think the Sabbath supports it. And I also recognize that having a break like this might be new, might be new to you.
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The reality is that when you do it right, when you step into the break, not in a like, I'm done, I'm out, I'm going, you know, I can't take this anymore. But if you intentionally step into this kind of break that says, hey, I'm going to catch my breath for a few days, a few weeks, a few months, I'm going to catch my breath. You catch your breath. Let's come back together. That is so hopeful for the marriage to move forward into the next level. So there are some thoughts around the biblical nature of the therapeutic separation.
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Next video, we're going to keep talking about what is involved in a therapeutic separation and why rupture and repair are necessary for marriage to deepen and grow in committed love.
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If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free.
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curated date guides to walk you through one year of good dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to Restory.life/thrive-dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at Restory.life.
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where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place next week.