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(Episode previously named “Trust”)
In this episode, Dani discusses continuing to trust after continued loss; so, inherently, she also discusses vulnerability & mindfulness.
View full episode notes for links & recommendations!
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hello there! I’m Dani and this is Understanding Kindness. Thanks for taking the time to listen today! This week, we’ll be talking about trust, including vulnerability and mindfulness. I’ll bring you through my journey of trust throughout my lifetime to show you how powerful it is. As for the episode recommendations, I’ll reveal them at the end of the episode. Keep listening for more insight on those! And welcome to this episode of Understanding Kindness.
[0:31] (Theme).
[0:39] Let me start with my history with trust. My journey is one of a lot of loss, but also a lot of gain. Way back when, let’s go about 1999, my parents got divorced. Little Dani was only 5 years old. In this divorce, as you might remember from the first episode of the podcast, my mom got full custody of me and my dad had weekly supervised weekly visits. If you listened to this first episode, you’ll also remember that those weekly visits didn’t happen very weekly. As a 5 year old, this was difficult, to say the least. Not knowing when I’d see my dad next was always hard, but regardless of how hard it was I always trusted my dad when he’d tell me we’d see each other next week for sure. A lot of times this didn’t happen though. For some reason, even when I’d be told something would happen and it didn’t, I still trusted my dad. I’ve learned over the years what is attainable for him (ie. what I can trust will actually happen) and what isn’t feasible for him (ie. things he told me, maybe with every intention of making true, but never actually happened). I’ve learned how to trust him. I’ve learned to not be hurt when the trust is broken or there’s no follow through. I’ve learned that this relationship is independent of any other relationships I have. I can trust other people, and more importantly, I can get through the hurt.
[2:13] Despite all the hurt in my childhood in that respect, I continued to trust others. One of the biggest reason for this, I’m sure, is because I had people around me to support me and help heal those wounds. My mom, my siblings, my friends helped allow me to continue to trust others, and that I did. When we moved to the house that I grew up in there were a lot of kids around my age in the neighborhood. My best friend at the time lived three houses down from me. We’d play together all the time, I’d go over to her house and play and stay for dinner, we’d go to the park, it was pure bliss. Soon though, her family decided to move. There wasn’t anything I could do about it. Our moms took us to the park one last time to swing and play together, they took pictures of us having fun and hugging each other. I still have those pictures today, and when looking back at them I can see how unapologetically happy I was to just be with my friend. After she moved, I only saw her once more and it was really different from how it was when we were little. It stung to see her go, but it didn’t stop me from starting new friendships. I went through a series of best friends while at day care and through elementary school. All of these friendships have warm places in my heart. I truly love and care about each of these people that I’ve had in my life. I connected with a lot of their families, I got to see into their lives outside of our friendships. I got to see how my friends became the people that I loved and cared about, and it helped me to love and care about them even more, as well as their families. This feeling and caring for others helped propel me into continuing to trust others.
[4:04] In fifth grade I joined band. I was super psyched to be apart of something. I’d always wanted to play sports but was never able to, so this was like the next best thing in my eyes. I chose to play the trumpet and ended up loving it. In band, I met my best friend, Jasmine. Her and I had known each other from school but never talked much. At one point while still getting to know each other, I had overheard her talking about her upcoming birthday party going laser tagging and I wanted in! I had never even heard of laser tag but it seemed like so much fun! I’m pretty sure all I did was just ask her if I could go. She ended up saying yes, and for some reason when we got to the bowling alley with the laser tag, we weren’t able to play. We ended up all sitting around and talking, which ended up being just as much fun. By the end of it, I knew I had made a new friend. Jasmine and I started hanging out all the time. We’d go over to each other’s houses everyday, and on some school nights we’d even have sleepovers. It was so cool! We’d both just wake up in the morning and go to band practice anyways so our parents didn’t mind. In the summers we hung out even more if that were possible. We’d spend hours and hours rollerblading around town going, picking up other friends and hanging out. And once we got tired enough, we spent even more hours playing rock band in her basement together. We were both pretty big tomboys and enjoyed being active. On many occasions we’d get into physical fights, kicking and punching each other, running up and down the block chasing each other. I remember this specific fight where I had a foam dinosaur with a metal wire so it would stand upright, ya know, and I was chasing Jasmine around outside with it hitting her, while she used some other toy as a shield. That was pretty typical. Right afterwards, usually after someone would get hurt, we’d make up and it was as if nothing had happened. The only kind of relationship I could compare it to was that of siblings. Nothing, not any amount of fighting or screaming could keep of from being friends in the end.
[6:15] Right before high school, at the end of eighth grade I think? maybe seventh grade? I don’t really remember…Anyway, we found out that Jasmine’s parents had decided they were moving to Canada. Hearing this news was horrible and terrifying for both of us. I never even thought it was possible for her to leave. I couldn’t even fathom what my life would be like without being able to hang out with her everyday. I was extremely close with her mom and brother as well. It was so difficult to be losing all of them, just like that. It was hard, so hard for me to deal with that I ended up shutting down and stopped hanging out with her much before she even left. I just couldn’t stand to lose someone who I connected with so much. I needed her there with me while we went through high school together. I couldn’t deal with not having her in my everyday life. Leaving on my terms was the only way I knew how to cope.
[7:17] I remember walking home after saying goodbye to Jasmine for the last time and I began crying a lot. I sat down by a tree and just cried and cried. Suddenly her mom’s van pulled up next to me. She was getting back from running some errands and found me there. She consoled me and we talked, she asked if I wanted to go back and hang with them for a bit, but ultimately I couldn’t stand having to say goodbye again and went home. I think about this day a lot. I think about how I wished I had stayed as long as possible, helped them pack up their van, hugged them through the window as they drove away. I think about how I could’ve called more, made more plans to visit. Jasmine and I were pretty out-of-touch with each other through a lot of high school and college. We’re much closer now, and I cherish her friendship and her family’s open arms. It was difficult to go through a big part of my life without, but I somehow found a way.
[8:23] My first year or so in high school was rough, not rougher than the rest of it, but still pretty rough. It was hard to navigate high school without any close friends. I didn’t relate with any of my peers, but I did have a few friends in some of my classes. Ultimately, I wasn’t really able to relate to anyone fully. Until one day I started hanging out with my friend Tonya. I was actually first introduced to Tonya as one of my older sister’s friends. Tonya is thirteen or so years older than me and was dating another of my sister’s friends. They had a house together and Tonya’s nephew lived there so I would babysit him a lot. I’d go over there all the time. Tonya and I’d hang out, watch movies, and just sit talking for hours after I’d finish babysitting. This definitely wasn’t anything like the friendship I had with Jasmine, but it was special to me in another way. It was special because Tonya treated me like an equal; she obviously had a lot more wisdom than I did at this point, and it was amazing to have my opinions heard by someone older and wiser than I was. My friendship with Tonya was unlike any I’d ever really had before. She helped me through so much, and in such an important time in my life.
[9:45] Eventually, after her and her partner got married, they made the decision to move to a different state for work. This was crushing for me. It seemed like I just wasn’t able to catch a break. Why did everyone I care about have to leave me? I didn’t understand why it kept happening to me. Was I just choosing the wrong people to get close to? Would I ever see or hear from my friends again? Why did they keep leaving? How is this fair? These are the questions that would now rattle around in my head each time someone moved away.
[10:23] Luckily for me, around this same time, I started becoming friends with my mom’s boyfriend-at-the-time’s cousin. She had just graduated high school in another state and moved near us to start living on her own. Since we were similar in age, and I was really the only person close to her age in that new town, we became very close. We hung out a lot, especially since her cousin was dating my mom. We slept over at each other’s houses very often and did almost everything together.
[10:53] Side note: Are you beginning to see a pattern here? I’m pretty sure I would latch onto friends in this way and spend so much time with them because I didn’t have anyone to do that with at home. My siblings were both grown and out of the house at this point, my dad obviously wasn’t present, and my mom was a single mother who had to work to keep food on our plates and a roof over our heads. I do not blame anyone for my circumstances, I am only reporting why I believe I so easily attached to people I became close to. It’s taken me about this long to realize this about myself, but I finally did and it’s helped me with my relationships going forward.
[11:32] Anyway, so we spent a good 8-10 months hanging out before she decided to move back home. Here we go again, I thought. The pain from both Jasmine and Tonya moving away was still so fresh, I c- I couldn’t do it again so soon. I didn’t have a choice though. She had already made her decision and moved back home. I remember sitting at the kitchen table bawling my eyes out after finding out. I wasn’t just bawling for her though, I was bawling because my wounds from the previous times hadn’t healed yet and now they were being painstakingly reopened yet again. How much of this could I endure? In my 16 short years of life I had gone through so much loss and pain. Was this just going to keep happening to me? I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I didn’t think I could continue to put myself out there and trust other people not to leave me.
[12:35] I started my first job around the time she moved home, and I met my next best friend, Jessica. Starting a job is a big step and starting it while already in a not great place at school and in my personal life was very difficult. Jessica, as well as the other friends that I gained while working there, helped make my personal life easier. They showed me kindness and showed me into their circle. Jessica and I continue to be friends today, and she continues to show me how wonderful it is to trust another person, to count on another person. We’ve had our up and downs, sure, but we’ve always remained friends through the thick and thin of college and early adult life. I couldn’t thank her enough for her friendship. I couldn’t thank any of my best friends throughout the years enough. They each gave me something so unique and special that has truly stayed with me through my life. I may not see or speak to some of them anymore, but the ones that I do, I try to appreciate them as much as I can. I try to see our lasting friendships, despite what circumstances try to tear us apart, as reasons to continue trusting people. It’s hard and it’s almost unbearable when it’s broken, but when someone shows up again and again for you and shows you that they respect your trust and they hold it in their hands with care, it’s worth all the heartbreak that you went through to find a person like that.
[14:00] Time and time again I’ve been presented with opportunities not to trust people anymore. I’ve had plenty of reasons to think that everyone will eventually leave my life so why even try at all. I never did that though. Instead, I now try to see them as opportunities to keep me present. I’ve come to the often difficult realization that we don’t get any more than this present moment. Afterwords they’re only memories. We only have now. There is no use in worrying about something that may be. We have no control over that, and to constantly worry about things that we cannot change, keeps us from living in the present. We must practice being in the present moment constantly. We must continuously try to find ways of living that allow us to be completely present. This is how we will allow ourselves to trust again. We know that we’ve gotten through it before. We know it may hurt a lot. But it is precisely because we’ve been hurt before that we know we can get through it again. And if we’re able to live in the moments with the people we care about, we know that those moments will all have been worth the heartbreak that may or may not happen. It does no good to dwell on the things that we have no control over.
[15:30] Having lots of support helps immensely too. We should practice living entirely in those moments with the people we love that support us during those difficult heartbreaks. Soak up that moment when you’re in it. Let those moments be a reminder of how wonderful it is to trust someone. Recognize that (1) this may be difficult and (2) it will all be worth it. Keep going through life, trusting others. You’re bound to find some amazing people and relationships along the way. And remember: It’s the magical space between two trusting individuals that the most wonderful things in the world take place: love, compassion, and understanding.
[16:16] Now the recommendations for today’s episode include Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, Brené’s Unlocking Us podcast, and The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. I recently finished Daring Greatly and it is a great introduction to shame and vulnerability. I’d highly suggest reading it if you need any inspiration and logic to being vulnerable. The Unlocking Us podcast is always great for vulnerability inspiration. Brené interviews many successful, vulnerable individuals as well as speaks candidly with listeners about her own vulnerability. I love listening to this podcast. The Miracle of Mindfulness is a great introduction to mindfulness and helped me become aware of my thoughts and actions more. Combining mindfulness with vulnerability can make it difficult at first, but it allows for more ease the next time, and in the rest of your life in general. I’ve got one bonus recommendation today that’s not specifically related to this episode and that’s the episode of Unlocking Us with Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski. The three talk about burnout and emotions, how to be with our emotions and how that can help us avoid burnout. Worth a try in my opinion! To learn more about trust, vulnerability, and mindfulness from the same places I did, I’ll link all the aforementioned recommendations in the episode notes.
[17:37] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]