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As women, we’re constantly asked to do more and be more. And yet, there's incredible strength and wisdom in just "being."
Being present. Being Mama. Simply being you.
This is Leaning into Being. A show brought to you by the Founders and Leaders of Hello Mamas and HeyMama. Erika Hanafin Feldhus, mom, stepmom, CEO, and co-parent hosts alongside Amri Kibbler, mother, founder, and cancer survivor.
Each episode focuses on relatable situations, resources, and experiences to help you balance the beautiful chaos of motherhood and ambition. This show is designed for all mamas seeking community and connection in her definition of success.
Allowing you to simply be…be your all so you can give your all, for all you care about.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:00:00]:
I'm starting to see some buzz around it now. Like, I decided to give up my career so I could be his stable mom. And I said, that's great, but I did not. I don't. I love my career, so I wish we could be kinder to each other, but that was a rough time. When your kids are little and you miss a lot of things and then you see other moms and you start to feel FOMO, but you have to forgive yourself.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:00:23]:
I'm Erika.
Amri Kibbler [00:00:24]:
And I'm Amri.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:00:26]:
This is Leaning Into Being the show that allows you to be your all so you can give your all.
Amri Kibbler [00:00:31]:
Brought to you by. Hello Mama, and HeyMama.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:00:35]:
Amri. I'm so excited for our next guest today. Dawn Hilarczyk is the most incredible, powerhouse woman role model mother, and she's going to share her journey in the skincare and beauty industry. And she's currently the COO at Borghese.
Amri Kibbler [00:00:56]:
I am so excited as well because not only is Dawn a powerhouse, but she is also one of the kindest and most intentional leaders that I've ever met. Just from previous conversations, understanding how she thinks about leadership and supporting her team, it's really a game changing conversation. I know she's going to share some of those tips with us today.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:01:19]:
I can't wait. I'm sure knowing Dawn and the incredible conversations we've had with her in the past, we're probably going to laugh, probably some tears. So I'm just excited to hear all of her advice to aspiring mothers and those who are also looking for professional advice in their leadership roles.
Amri Kibbler [00:01:39]:
Me too. Me too. Dawn is that woman that does it all, where you ask yourself, wow, does she have more hours in her day? How is she managing to get so much accomplished? And the things that she she does are really just incredible. She has a philanthropy, an incredible career. And so I know that Dawn's going to share some of those things with us today, but I also know that she makes time somehow to watch Netflix and is going to share how she manages to do that with us as well.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:02:09]:
Ooh, I could use a good Netflix new season to watch. So let's dive in.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:02:19]:
My name is Dawn Hilarczyk. I am a mom of three, 21 19 and 17, two boys and a girl. So I'm definitely in this college high school age where growing as a family and becoming more friends, which is really nice. I am the chief operating officer at Borghese, Inc. Which is a beautiful Italian skincare brand and I am a legacy beauty veteran. I've been in the industry for over 26 years. If I have to say who I really am, I think mom, wife first. And I'm also a big philanthropist, so I give back a lot.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:02:56]:
Beauty is my day job, but it's also my passion. So I don't consider it work. I don't consider anything work if it's your craft. And I think this is my craft, I love that.
Amri Kibbler [00:03:05]:
We would love to hear a little bit more of your journey in becoming the COO of Borghese. How did you get here? Tell us all about your journey.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:03:15]:
It definitely was unconventional. So I went to school in Alabama. My family's military, so we lived all over. And then I went to Auburn with my husband, where we met. So at the time, I needed a job. I had no money. I went to the mall. This is back in the day when you actually, like, answered ads and papers.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:03:33]:
And I went to Parisians, which doesn't exist. And I said, hi, I'm here to be the counter manager of Trish McAvoy. And they said, well, what experience do you have? I said, no, none. I just sued tables. I can do it. They're like, no, get over a prescriptive. You need some experience. One year later, I applied for a camera management position at Trish, got the job managed that traveled around with Trish in Atlanta and Alabama and did events.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:03:56]:
And she moved me to New York, and I was a makeup artist for her at New York City, at her biggest store, which is Bloomingdale's, 59th street. And that really catapulted my career in beauty. And I started doing work in New York City. This is, you know, in the nineties, you know, just scrappling work. And I was very lucky. Barney's came calling and asked me if I'd work at Chanel. And I did a lot of celebrities. I was very lucky to be there.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:04:19]:
During Sex in the City, filming The Sopranos, height of fashion. I did that for a year, did a lot of good clientele backstage, all that fun stuff, print. And then Estee Lauder called, walked in the door, and said, we heard about you as a makeup artist. We want to recruit you to come to Lauterdez and work as a makeup artist on our makeup artist team. And I was like, oh, okay, great. Like, this is an amazing background. And the 911 hit. And so Lauder was like, we don't know what we're gonna do.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:04:46]:
We're gonna need to figure this out. And so Lauder decided to divide all of us up into different regions. So I was managing Macy's as a makeup artist for them, and I worked for Macy's at the time. It was going through federated and all that stuff, and then that really put me into corporate America. Estee Lauder is an incredible brand. I learned so much. It was a great training ground. A year later, I became education from there.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:05:10]:
I was there for seven years. Then Shiseido recruited me to be education. And then a year later, I started getting into the strategic role. I knew I was always creative, but I'm much more strategic as a businesswoman. And so that really opened up between Shiseido and Lauderdale and having amazing women mentors. I mean, Thea Breen is like an icon. Heidi Manheimer, first CEO of a male japanese company. Amazing.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:05:36]:
I knew I wanted to do leadership, and I wanted to be strategic. So then I went into startups, did some specialty work, and then five years ago, I got a call to help start a new company called Noble Panacea, which we all know together. And I worked with Sir Fraser Stoddard and the team to build this incredible brand from scratch. That learning was a game changer. And you know this as two female founders of a company. To build a company from scratch with, like, no bank account. We had no buildings. We had no offices, teams.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:06:07]:
And then we went through Covid. So to go through Covid and try to protect everyone that you had told, leave your job and stay with us, but tell the investors that we need to keep this going, and how can you keep everyone on your payroll? We laid off no one the company, and we kept the business going. That really was my strength and leadership, and I really learned a lot about myself and how I want to be a leader. And I think that between good foundation and fundamental with the big brands I started with and building this company and being able to be entrepreneurial and work with amazing leaders at Noble Panacea. And then I also had started a nonprofit at the same time and a food company. Those things set me up for this role, and I think this is my moment to lead Borghese back into the renaissance. It's at. It's had a lot of different leaders, same incredible owners.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:06:58]:
It's an amazing legacy brand, but it needs a renaissance, and I think it's the opportunity of a lifetime. And I'm very happy to be here. I really am. I feel very grateful to be able to lead this company back to the powerhouse it was.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:07:10]:
What is typical day look like for you, and how do you balance the high demands of this position and your responsibilities as a mother?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:07:19]:
So I, first and foremost, am a mother. I have three rules. I started this about 15 years ago. I will not walk in the door on the phone. I will literally drive around the neighborhood or sit in my car. I did it last night, actually, until 830, until I got off the phone. The second is, I'm always available. I wasn't at the time.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:07:36]:
You know, I grew up in the world that you don't really talk about, because there wasn't social media when I was starting as an executive. And there was no female C suite. I mean, really none. I mean, the big guys, they have, you know, it was very, very unusual until Heidi and Thea to see women in this business and women with children, which also is very rare. So I learned. I had to learn through mistakes and my family keeping me grounded, that I needed to always be available for them. So if they call me or they text me, I go, excuse me. 1 second.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:08:05]:
Okay. Are you okay? I'm back. So I wake up in the morning and I always think about, what do I need to do? Be my best self. So I always take a moment for myself. I don't have time, that's my own fault, to meditate, but I do kind of drown myself into, like, social media and looking at content and reading articles. I always look at you guys. You always post a great quote every single day. If it's really meaningful to what I'm going through, I always reshare it.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:08:31]:
I look at LinkedIn, that gets me kind of going. And then I ride the bus for 2 hours from Pennsylvania to New York. And that is a game changer because that allows me to watch Netflix, read, listen to music, sleep. So when I get here at 08:00 in the morning, I'm my best self for my team. And from eight to six or eight to five or eight to ten, whatever, I literally am present for the team that's here, and I'm always ready for them and always available for them. And then I get back on the bus and it's my time, and I literally decompress so that when I walk in the door, I'm not carrying work on my mind, because I used to do that a lot, and it's not fair to my family or not fair to my husband. So I've learned not to do that. And sometimes I just drive around the neighborhood or I'll sit in a parking lot, or I'll go to target for a minute, but I try to decompress.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:09:19]:
I don't want to bring anything home so powerful. I had to learn.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:09:23]:
Yes.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:09:24]:
And my husband had to remind me that I want my best self sometimes. And it took. And my children used to say it used to run our household like a business. So it wasn't because I'm. You know, I learned. I had to learn. And other people that love you have to be honest with you.
Amri Kibbler [00:09:39]:
Well, I want to double click into something that you just said as you're talking about your incredibly busy schedule and how you are able to incorporate these pockets of time where you have some time to watch Netflix and, you know, take care of yourself. Have some me time. How important do you think that time is in your success and your happiness to. To incorporating that in on a daily basis?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:10:02]:
I mean, I think it's critical for a lot of reasons. One, it allows me to be a diverse person, so I'm not just, like, work, work, work, or mom, mom, mom. That when I talk to my team and it's kind of awkward, or we've had a really tough conversation, I'll say, hey, guys, like, who's watching Bear? And they're like, oh, my gosh, I'm watching. What do you mean, watching Bear? Did you see the episode last night? Like, it allows me to decompress, but at the same time, do something outside of the work I'm doing or even with my children, you know, hey, guys, are you watching? You know, my daughter's always like, you have to read this summer. She's like, you have to read “It Ends With Us”. So on June 1, she's like, mom, I need you to read “It Ends With Us”.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:10:41]:
And I said, I don't know if I have time to read. She goes, the movie comes out in August. I said, okay, great. So those things with commonalities allow more than just for me, it's enrichment for whoever else I come in contact with. That's not just work.
Amri Kibbler [00:10:54]:
And so what I'm hearing you say is that having time for you and taking care of you is a big part of your leadership.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:11:02]:
It is. It is. And it allows my team to also feel they're. They're humans. You know, it's not just about work. Let's talk about other things, because we spend a lot of time with each other, and I want to make sure that they know that it's not just about only the specific thing we're talking about, that there's. I'm interested in them first and foremost, and not the work we're doing. I'm really interested in them.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:11:24]:
And then from that, the work comes, oh, my goodness.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:11:27]:
I mean, there's so many things that we could continue on. Like, I want to know, what's your skincare routine now?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:11:33]:
With Borghese, I knew there was something special when I came here. I knew the products had stood the test of time. 65, 67 year old company. My skin feels pretty good, and I've used some great products, but it's very minimalist here, which is great for me. Now. Busy mom simplistic system. I cleanse. I use my serum, my moisturizer, I multi mask a couple times a week, and that's it.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:11:54]:
I don't have time to do, like, ten different steps. So I cleanse my skin at night, and sometimes I'll just do, like, we have an overnight mask that you put on after you cleanse and go to bed. I really try to make sure that my system makes me feel good, but I'm not taking away from other things I could be doing, which is so.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:12:09]:
Important for all of the busy moms that you don't need the 15 step. It could be something as simple as the two or three step, depending on the night and what you're going through.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:12:20]:
Who has time? I mean, we all want to be our best self, but if it's stressful and it takes away from what makes you. Some of us love it. My girlfriends want it some. They sometimes use 1520 steps, but it brings them joy. But for me, I want to do the bare minimum to make my skin look great and also have more time for myself, whether sleep or relax or whatever.
Amri Kibbler [00:12:41]:
I want to share something. So after our Strong Like A Mama event, I came home with my amazing Borghese products, and I have two girls who are super into skincare. They love the routines, and we had so much fun. We, like, pulled our hair back, and we did a little mud mask party. So I'm so curious. How do you talk to your girl about her skincare and help to support her? Because I know that it's such a big thing with girls right now.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:13:11]:
I've always said to her, you are beautiful for who you are. So I don't want her to, like, always wear a feel like she had wear a lot of makeup or whatever. But I always did say hygiene is important, and we talked about good hygiene in general when they're little. You know this with kids. And she's actually taught me a lot. I'll be honest. I'm gonna give her credit. She has taught me to really make sure I cleanse my skin every night.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:13:32]:
I'll tell you, up until five years ago, six years ago. Now, I didn't wash my face at night ever. And my mother never washed her face at night. And I know you're supposed to, I know scientifically, like, I know, but I just didn't have time, and I just was, like, so tired all the time. So she taught me, mom put the headband back, and when I start looking at her doing it, and if she wants to do it and give effort, then I need to do it. And then we just talk back and forth, like, what works for her, what works for me. So she's really taught me that it's important to start early and also that every single day, your skin is changing, and so why not take care of it, whether you're 60 or 80 or 16? But I do try to tell her that. Don't get overhyped with what's going on with trends.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:14:15]:
Stick with something you know. Doctor Grace is an incredible skin expert in our brand, and she has said to me, stay with what you're using. Skin needs you to be consistent. Stay with it. So I try to get her to not be so obsessed with the trend, but if she wants to try something, I say go for it, you know, but just be careful. Like, don't think you need to overdo it all the time.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:14:34]:
I love that. I love that, you know, that's creating an opportunity for you and your daughter to bond, too, and, you know, ask those questions. And Amri and I love and support you and know that you're an incredible mentor and supporter of women, and particularly as a leader, how do you support women in the workplace that might be also navigating earlier in their career and motherhood and having lack of confidence and just needing to figure this out, how do you do that?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:15:05]:
I think the first thing I did, which I wish that was done to me, I didn't have a lot of the women I worked for in the leadership role didn't have children, and that is just a personal choice. Right. So I think when I had the opportunity to have a voice at a certain level, like from a director and a bob, where you start to get that level of people paying attention to what you have to say. I was really open about my relationship with my children and my family. And, you know, when I was at, she said it was bring your children to work day. I brought my children. Some people didn't. I didn't care.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:15:33]:
And I think the more we peel back the layers that we all have a family. First of all, if you have a family, I'm so happy at noble, most every single person on my team got pregnant when they were under my leadership, and we celebrated it, because if I think if you're having children, that is a good sign that your whole life is content and things are going well in the universe for whatever you're going through, that is. That makes me so, so happy. So right away, I start talking about it. Like, when I interview someone, it's not about your skill set. It's about what makes you happy. What about your life? What do you need for balance? I have a vice president, has two little girls. I'm like, at 530, I'm like, get out this door.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:16:09]:
Go. I'll sit here at the door with the door open. You need to go. Let's go. No, no, no. You need to go. Like, you need to go. So I really try to instill that that is more important than what we're doing every day, that your life and having something outside of this career is what will bring you joy in the career, because if it's just work, work, work, I'm a little concerned.
Amri Kibbler [00:16:32]:
Absolutely. And modeling motherhood in the workplace, as you said, putting motherhood on your calendar, telling your team when you're going to your daughter's doctor's appointment, when you're taking your child to a baseball game or anything that you might do, is one of the biggest gifts that you can give. And the fact that you're telling them you have somewhere to go and get out and do what you need to do is such a powerful thing. How did you arrive at this sort of philosophy? I know you talked a lot about that. You had some great mentors who supported you. Can you talk a little bit about your mentors, maybe how they helped you to align with this and any great advice that they gave you?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:17:13]:
So early in my career, I didn't have that corporate culture, and so I would literally be pumping and have to sneak around and figure out how could I be teaching and then pumping. And by the way, not in the bathroom, not in a closet office. Like, literally, I would be in the stall. There was no setup for that. And I would be crying going, guys, we're gonna take a 15 minutes break, and I'm trying to pump when you know, you need 30 minutes for this. And I would cry and cry. I'd be on the road, the play would be delayed, and I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this to anybody.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:17:44]:
That I can affect their life in a positive way. I'm not doing this. So now fast forward. I had a woman who never had children. And I'll tell you her name. Her name is Mary Ivers. She is, to this day, one of the most incredible leaders I've ever had. She didn't have children, and she was single, but she always cared about humans and her team.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:18:02]:
And she taught me that team is first, and she was a fighter. She would fight for us, but she was tough. She was really tough on me. She demanded a lot from me, but she opened up the door for me to try different things. But the minute I needed something with my family, or the minute someone got sick or I got sick, she was all about team. She would text everyone, guys, let's do food, get everyone going. Flowers, whatever they need. She was a game changer.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:18:25]:
And what I learned from a female businesswoman, how to treat other people, because culturally, we were still not in that great mindset for women at the workplace. That came years later after my children had been much older. But she was die hard for her team. And people this day will say they will work for her. They'll walk through water for her. And I agree the same thing. I think she's a game changer.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:18:51]:
I think that's so important that sometimes you don't need to be a mother to recognize what mothers are going through. The human aspect, especially in today's world, like, just treating people like, human. Like they, you know, the old school golden rule, we should treat others the way we want to be treated is so important. On that, Dawn, you mentioned early on that you started a foundation and you're doing a lot in philanthropy. Can you share a little bit more about that?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:19:18]:
Yes. So my husband is a teacher, and he came to us and said to me, do we have any clothes that Jack has, or my older son in his closet? And he's like, I have a student that's been wearing the same thing for a couple days, and now it's been missing school. There was some incarceration and some death in the family, and the child feels insecure in high school to not go to school with the same clothes. So I went in Jack's closet, and I was like, oh, my gosh, he has, like, five abercrombie sweatshirts. Like, he has tags on it that's, like, embarrassing. So. So I took them out. I went on Facebook real quick and said, hey, guys, I never asked for anything.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:19:49]:
This is the situation with Andy's student can. Who can do this within three days? This is Friday to Sunday. I had gift cards, a completely dining room table full of brand new clothes, and I started doing research, like, wow, how much money do we have in our closets? How much do our kids take advantage of that? Other kids may never get that shirt. So that led me to Thoughtful Threads of the Heart, which was founded in 2018. And what I do is I set up pop up stores in inner cities or school districts where children can come and shop for free. All of my clothes are brand new or slightly worn. We sort everything by size and by gender, whatever they want, and families can come. And what I learned is that through this, a lot of research is that bullying happens in.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:20:32]:
Typically, bullying happens in three ways. Obviously, we know appearance, but also clothing. Number two is when children don't have clothes, they tend to miss a lot more school. And for girls, there's actually sexual violence that can happen. So you think, oh, who cares if they have one outfit to wear to school every day? Well, that's actually a big issue. And in middle school and high school, it's a higher dropout rate. So by me giving the opportunity for these children to have clothes that they feel like they belong, they one feel more confident. They go to school more often, there's more hygiene standards that are raised, and their parents don't have to worry about buying that.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:21:08]:
They can buy food and other things for school. So Thoughtful Threads of the Heart now has been. I mean, it's been transposed. Last week, we just did a drive for a foster care system. I did a drive, I just did another drop off for the homeless shelter in my area. And now we're working with women. That Covid was really tough. We had women that were in domestic violence situations that had to escape with their children with only a shirt and a backpack.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:21:31]:
And so we're clothing them as well. It's evolved to other things, but that's where it starts. But it brings me joy. Like that is I love my job and I love my craft with work, but I love Thoughtful Threads of the Heart. I love having children come and pick. I could cry, pick up an Under Armour sweatshirt and go. I would never get this.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:21:52]:
So powerful in their whole life.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:21:54]:
They would go their whole life and never get a Nike sweatshirt. And my kid has ten of them. So powerful.
Amri Kibbler [00:22:02]:
So powerful. All the hairs on my arms are standing up. As a mom, just thinking about that, like, just thinking about having a child who doesn't have any of those opportunities and how happy and how excited they are. But not only that, how you can impact the rest of their life, because if they're not going to graduate from school, there's going to be an effect on the rest of their lives. But if they graduate from school and they're able to get a great job, they can make huge, seismic shifts in their life and in other people in their community's life as well.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:22:36]:
It's a big issue in our country that we don't think about. And people sometimes think, oh, what are you wearing? Is not. You're so superficial, Dawn. And I said, you have no idea what it feels like for a child to go to school with the same outfit every single day.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:22:48]:
It's so true.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:22:49]:
And sexual violence for girls that don't have undergarments and bras to wear in middle school and high school that walk through inner city, it's totally a game changer. It changed my life. It really made me look differently at things. So that's the joy, I think, on the side.
Amri Kibbler [00:23:03]:
My gosh. Well, thank you for sharing that with us. I'm going to do a little switcheroo and change up the tone a little bit because we've talked so much about all these incredible things that you're doing. I'm wondering if you can share, because it probably seems to everyone, like, wow, she's done all of these things and it's probably been so easy for her. Could you share any challenges that you faced as a mom, building your career and what powered you to get through them?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:23:32]:
I mean, I think you and I, I think we have all gone through this, but it's the war moms. There's a book called Mommy Wars, and I read it very early in my career. Friends of mine, all, we went and passed around, and it's the battle between the stay home and the working moms. And it's still going on to this day. And every back to school year you see it. And the battle is that I had to forgive myself for missing a PTA meeting. I had to forgive myself for being late to, you know, Valentine's party at the kids school. And I was pretty active.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:24:06]:
I mean, I was PTA president. I ran the soccer team club. Like, I did all those things, too, because I just love it. Snack stand everything, you know, donation. But I had to forgive myself when people would say, oh, I know you're missing out because you're working or, must be nice to travel. I'm home with three little kids changing diapers. No, I still change diapers. I just.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:24:26]:
It's different. We still do that, though. Women were really not so kind to each other. Whether you work or stay home, I'm starting to see some buzz around it now. Like, I decided to give up my career so I could be his stay home mom. And I said, that's great. But I did not. I don't.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:24:41]:
I love my career, so I wish we could be kinder to each other, but that was a rough time. When your kids are little and you miss a lot of things and then you see other moms and you start to feel fomo, but you have to forgive yourself.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:24:56]:
It's so important and definitely relatable, I think, on both sides. Right. And one of the things that we're certainly hoping to build with Hello Mamas is really creating this opportunity for support. Regardless of whether you're in a professional or a personal motherhood journey, we want to be there alongside side of that and encourage that support at all levels. It's really important, especially in today's society and even in the workplace, like, even as companies are demanding people to come back into the office. And you know that we kind of enjoyed those moments and had a sneak peek into each other's lives when we probably weren't having those conversations. I know you've had mentioned briefly some recharging aspects and maintaining these pressures and how you take a little minute on the bus and all of these little hacks, if you will, that you do, could you share for somebody who is relatively new and juggling all of these things and wants to have aspects of the professional career and PTA president and is juggling all of these balls up in the air be your advice and how to them on how important it is for them to focus on self care and maintain that balance. Like, how could you tangibly help?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:26:25]:
So if I take myself back to when my children were little and I was trying to get into, you know, a different level in my career, what I would tell myself then, which is what I've learned now, is two things. One is what I call the relationship audit, which I think I talked to you guys about before, and I'll share with that a little bit more. And the second is really looking at what in your life you're willing to let go. So for me, I was willing to let go of my house being a little messy, and I'm super organized, and I got a cleaning lady. And at the time, financially, I couldn't afford the clean lady, but I was willing to not get my nails done or go out to dinner every night or every weekend with my husband or whatever it was, so I could have a clean lady because I didn't want to clean my house on Sunday. I want to play with my kids. So that's a financial decision. So an emotional decision was before I could afford a clean lady.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:27:16]:
I would say, I'm willing to let my house be dirty. I'm willing to not do all my laundry, and I'm okay with it. You have to let yourself go. You have to figure out what in your life takes away time that you don't really have to do it, but you do it because you think you do to be a good mom, like, I have to have dinner on the table every single night. I have to make sure I pre pack their snacks. I have to make sure they have the best goldfish. And I have to go to Kahlo. Like, literally, you have to learn to say no.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:27:39]:
That word, as a mom is really hard. So teach yourself to say no and be okay with it. Without the back of your mind going, I feel so bad. I feel so bad. I feel so guilty. I feel so bad. I took a class on it. It's called gremlins in your head.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:27:52]:
There's a woman named Carrie Preston who's an amazing leadership for women. And she taught me how to get the gremlins out of my head and how to say no. And the second is relationship audit. I decided that if you don't bring me joy, and I'm not laughing more than I'm concerned about you're saying behind my back or how you're supporting my family, my choices, then you no longer could be in my relationship. And I teach my daughter that, too. That is a game changer because that got me through. I had great friends that would pick up my kids. I have this one girl, she would pick up my kids, take them to soccer.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:28:21]:
And I said, I used to give her a mother's day card. I said, you're like Andy's second mom. Thank you so much, Jess, for doing this. And we just give back. And I was willing to let it go. And the guilt I felt because I knew she was in good hands. But the relationship audit's huge. Look who's around you really supporting you for your success.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:28:38]:
If they want your best interest, they need to be in your life. If you think that they're questioning or they're making little stark comments, they're not ever going to be there for you. They're never going to support you and your children on the venture that you're doing or your family. And then the word power, no, get the gremlins out of your head. That one I had to take a class on. So it wasn't like I learned on my own, but I had to learn how to get the gremlins out of my head and say, no, I love.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:29:01]:
That gremlins out of your head. I'm gonna start saying that.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:29:04]:
Because we do say bad things.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:29:05]:
I wrote it down.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:29:07]:
We say bad things to ourselves all the time, and no one else sees what we say to ourselves.
Amri Kibbler [00:29:12]:
It's so true. It's like, if only we could be as nice to ourselves as we are to our children or the people around us. It's so hard for us. Do you struggle with that as well? And if you do, what are some of the kind things that you say to yourself when you feel yourself starting to go down? That negative self talk?
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:29:33]:
I used to say, like, I don't care. I don't care if I don't get invited. I don't care if, you know, this happens or that happens. And then my girlfriend's like, that's not true. You really do care. And I would say to myself, okay, why do I care? But I think what I do now is I try to say, this is the best I'm gonna get. Like, this is. This is what I can do best for myself.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:29:53]:
And some days are better than others. I try to say to myself, I'm a good mom. Now I say it out loud. I used to say to myself now I say to my family and my husband, I'm a good mom, and I'm a great wife, and I am. And I say it out loud because it is an affirmation. Like, I am good mom, and I am a good wife, and I'm a really good boss. I'm a cultural boss like, very few people are going to have. I am a good boss.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:30:15]:
I know I am. Like, I'm good to my teams, so I say it out loud now. I used to just, like, try to talk myself into it, but I really have proven that I am, and I. I'm proud of it. It used to be like, don't say stuff about yourself positive. You're so narcissistic, right? All moms are so afraid of, like, loving themselves. And now I just say it because I am proud of it. But it took me a long time.
Amri Kibbler [00:30:39]:
It's so powerful to say I'm a good mom. I just did it now. And I was like, ooh, I'm a good mom.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:30:44]:
But you look at those children. First of all, children are born no child born evil. They're born kind and gentle and loving. And you look at these little precious things, and you say, they're smiling every day when they see you. They hug. They smile. You did that. You did that.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:31:01]:
If you did that, you're a good mother. Like we did that. Children are raised in the culture. They're little sponges of who we are, so we deserve to get credit for that.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:31:12]:
So true. It's so, so true, Don. I mean, we have cried. We have cried. I usually have laughed. I got a good cry in there.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:31:23]:
I try to, like, be like ice cream.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:31:25]:
But we're coming to kind of our conclusion here, and I have one question that I'd love for you to share around, thinking back on a moment that you can't believe you survived and or are still laughing about today.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:31:41]:
I mean, I always laughed that I never could figure out how to always. I don't know what it was, but I never packed clothes in the diaper bag, and we always had to go. And my daughter was so sick, and I don't know how I never could get this straight, but I never, ever, ever could pack clothes. And we always had to stop at a store and get clothes because she would have an accident. And my husband's like, you just can't get this together. I'm like, well, then you do it. No, because I won't wear that right outfit. I'm like, that's true.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:32:09]:
I think that's one thing I crack up when I look back at, like, raising my children. And then I always just laugh at the times I spent stressing about the dumb stuff. Like, who cares if the goldfish were in a brown bag with a flower on it versus, like, a ziploc? Like, why was I making my family and me crazy to put, like, stars and stuff on it for little people that just wanted the goldfish? And I do say one thing I remind myself every day, is that little people care about quality. They have no concept of time. They don't know if it's an hour. With a half hour, they don't even have any concept. Big people, time matters. And so someone early my career said, little people, little problems.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:32:56]:
Big people, big problems. And you better make your career at that point, so you can accelerate. When they're little. You need to slow down when they're in that middle stage, middle school, high school, and then when you can check back in again for acceleration. And I. I was lucky to do that, but I didn't get jobs I wanted because someone said, you're sure you're going to travel? And, you know the universal line? But I looked back and go, why was I so worried about this stuff?
Amri Kibbler [00:33:21]:
I feel like I never wanted to waste a good outfit in there. So I'd have some hideous, like, stuff that was always stuck in the bottom.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:33:29]:
It is true. Because all the good outfits, you don't want them in there. You want them in the closet ready to wear. Right.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:33:34]:
Exactly. For that special moment. But I do think that that's important. I struggled with that after I had Brayden. And thank God the New York Times came out with an article in 2013 that said, it is not quantity, it is quality. And that's, you know, so true today as a mother, as a professional mother and in everything we do, you know, it's the quality, not the quantity.
Amri Kibbler [00:34:01]:
Absolutely.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:34:02]:
Yeah.
Amri Kibbler [00:34:02]:
You're so right. And it can be like, two minutes that you have a really great tickle laugh in the morning with your kid, and that just changes their whole day.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:34:11]:
Oh, I bet. The fact that you're saying that now makes me so happy. I remember those moments. I have teenagers. My daughter comes home, you know, they're like vampires. They stay up all night, and she comes home at like, 930. I'm getting ready. Fall asleep on the couch.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:34:24]:
Netflix. She's like, so I have to tell you about my day. I have to tell you about the TF, the gossip. And my husband and I just pause it. We look at each other, we're like, we got to do this. We gotta do it. We gotta hear it. Because if we don't give her this 30 minutes, we don't get it again for, like, you know, so it is about that moment.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:34:41]:
Whatever you can do to be in that moment.
Amri Kibbler [00:34:43]:
I heard this somewhere that there's, like, the nine minutes of their most. I'm sure it was Instagram. The nine minutes that are most important in the day, the three minutes when you wake them up, the three minutes when they come home, and the three minutes before bed. And I was like, wow, okay. I can do that. I can be really good for nine minutes every day, but I think it makes a big impact.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:35:02]:
Yeah, well, that totally makes sense, because their statistics show that people are retained 7% of the information you give them. So if you give them a good three minutes, that's a moment that they. It impacts them. Right? So that is. All right, I'm doing that. That's a good one.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:35:17]:
That's three, three, three. I love that.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:35:20]:
All right, that's a good one. We can all be in three minutes.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:35:22]:
I learned so much from this podcast.
Amri Kibbler [00:35:25]:
So educational and really fun. We absolutely loved having you on. We're so grateful that you were able to spend time with us today.
Dawn Hilarczyk [00:35:33]:
I love you guys. I love everything you're doing.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:35:36]:
Thank you. Thank you so much, Dawn.
Amri Kibbler [00:35:39]:
Thank you for listening to Leaning Into Being.
Erika Hanafin Feldhus [00:35:41]:
To get connected and join the Hello Mamas and HeyMama community visit hellomamas.co. Let's connect, support and grow.
Amri Kibbler [00:35:51]:
Together in this journey of motherhood.