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Welcome to our mental health awareness podcast. If you're one of the millions of teens, adults and (entire) families being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD (hyperactive)/ADD (inattentive), Anxiety, Depression or other Neurodiverse conditions without a meaningful support group or a roadmap, jump right in with us.
Our raw and unfiltered journey will help you. We'll break it down and talk about it in a real, raw and sometimes tragic perspective. We lived it. And thanks to a few key people, we're still alive today to talk about it. So let's talk about.
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I told you I'd be back. And I'm back, baby. Just to get this out of the way. I am autistic, I have ADHD, I have anxiety and- Let's kick this show off with a bang. Welcome back to another episode of You Don't Sound Autistic. I'm Blake. And I'm Hannah. And I'm autistic. And I'm still not. Oh, really? Yeah. As of right now. I was going to say, is that a congratulatory thing or is it a I should feel sorry for you thing? I don't know. Maybe a little bit of both. Yeah. You're like, and I don't know. As I'm trying to remember all the beginning of the show spiel that I'm supposed to give. Check us out on the face on the Facebook. Man, I'm old. Check us out on the Facebook. It's actually was the Facebook at one point. Check us out on Facebook. The Facebook group is You Don't Sound Autistic, YDSA or YDSA. You Don't Sound Autistic. One of those. You can check out my TikToks that are ridiculous. I do talk a bit about neurodiversity. I also am a bad human and use AI and make videos. know Hannah doesn't like it. Tomato, tomato. Oh, don't call me the names. Oh, no, just throwing tomatoes. That's OK. But yeah, I'm AutisticDude42. Hannah is AutisticDude43 through 100. yep. That's it. As we joked about before. That's what we call a callback. Oh, yeah. What's I'm trying to think. What else? I mean, obviously, share the show. Share the shit out of it, actually. um just drive down the street blasting it. um But bumper stickers on other people's cars. Yeah, ooh, ooh, ooh, that's a good idea. I still have some bumper, I need to make some new bumper stickers, because the one, like right now, currently the only person in town with a bumper sticker is me. You should do like magnets. I thought about that. That'd be kind of cool. I actually made a t-shirt. Does it? A YDSA t-shirt. It wouldn't let me put, you don't sound autistic, because I made it with a AI feature on Amazon. that's why. know. And it was like, you can't say that, it's offensive. And I was like, to myself? In fact, it wouldn't let me do it on TikTok either. It keeps making me say Y-D-S-A. Interesting. They're trying to silence you. I know. In one instance, it did say, you don't sound autistic. And it's like, I have the video on my phone, but I just haven't posted it yet. But it's kind of funny because it's like, let's talk about, have you ever heard the term, or have you ever heard anyone say, you don't sound autistic? It cuts us deeply. And of course I didn't write any of this. I just put like, oh, record a, be recording a podcast episode. And it's me sitting very much like I'm right now, like in front of a laptop with a microphone. And I'm like, it cuts us real deep. I'm like, this is coming real deep. Right. No, I'm kind of offended now. Thanks, AI, you asshole interpreter. Uh-huh, exactly. But you still keep using it. I do. Yeah, I mean, is there anything else? guess not. So obviously I'm recording today with Hannah and then next week a friend from work, another friend from work is going to be, you deep. Oh my god, that's so fun. Yeah, he's, uh, he said he's, um, he, he's, he's, he's pretty funny and he's also, uh, got some neurodivergent. Interesting. Issues. Are they issues? I don't know what, I don't know, like neurodivergent qualities. Qualities, traits. Qualities is a good word. Yeah. I know it's funny cause it's like, I'll be on here and I'll be saying stuff and I'll listen to an episode and I'm like, Ooh, he shouldn't have said that. Right cancel that guy. Yeah, what's he doing? It's sort of like I don't know. It's sort of like how certain like certain people have um A pension for using like pejorative terms and switching it around like to be positive. Mm-hmm And then like as a white dude I'm like, I'm not gonna walk around calling myself a Honky ear right anything weird like that, right? But um I feel like There needs to be like a cool, hard way of saying like autism. I feel like I can't comment on this. Tism. Touch of the tism. No, I don't know. But one of the things, sorry, I'm like my brain's all, oh shit, I didn't take my medicine this morning. That's why I'm all over the place. Blank. But um I did want to kind of follow up on the FMLA stuff. from our last conversation and let the audience kind of know how that transpired and what's gone down with that. So I did get it approved. So my doctor filled out all the paperwork and it was given to HR and then they gave me paperwork back and kind of explained it. So basically two days a month, I'm now legally allowed to um take off and have them be excused so that I don't get any kind of like punitive marks on my record or anything. But having said that, the conversation with HR was very weird because they were like, we can go that route if we need to. That's kind of how the conversation went. I hate that. I was like, really? I always thought HR was really supposed to be more for the people working in the company than for the company itself. It is. The way that unfortunately our work is ran is a little different. HR is also very heavily involved with a lot of other things. That's true. Which is, it's kind of weird, like in that way. But, and I like our HR person. Oh yeah, he's nice. It's nothing to do with that. I think it's just the way that the company itself is like kind of treating this. So I took two FMLA days And my manager, my direct manager, reached out through an email and basically explained, you've taken your two days for the month and they don't roll over or whatever. And it goes to, uh what's it called? ah It's a calendar month, which I didn't realize. I thought it was like in the month I could take two days. And she's making it sound like it has to be. It's basically every 30 days I can take two days, which seems weird. That does seem weird. So I'm like, I would look at how do you I know I'm like, how do you justify that? Like, I don't get to pick when I like, oh, you can't feel like autistic burnout. I'm going to schedule my autism for next Friday. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have some tism next Friday. I've decided. Yeah. So I'm not going to be here. I'm going to be feeling pretty autistic. So yeah, it's and it's weird because, um, so one of the things that I tried was when I went to work yesterday, I don't know, did you notice that I was wearing a vest under my shirt? No. Oh, okay. Good. Cause I have a, a weighted vest. It's like 25, 30 pounds. Yeah. Something like that. And I used to use it for like working out and And when I do go walk and stuff, I do wear it. And I was like, maybe this would be helpful, because a lot of people keep mentioning weighted blankets. Yeah. And I've never used one because I feel like they would be- Really? You like Yes, I love it. The only thing that sucks is like, it's really hard, at least for me, to find one that's bigger than like a twin. Really? They don't make like king size? I'm sure they do, but- They probably cost a small fortune. Exactly. What are they made with? Like, is it sand? Or like what keeps it, what makes it way? I have no idea. I just know I want it on my body. Whoa. Well, damn, man, I want to I want a woman that looks at me the way that Hannah looks at her way. And I did take my medicine this morning and that's where I'm at. Hmm. Blankets. What can I say? You know, my name is very close to the word blanket. Like I don't know if you ladies know. I can't say who wants a weighted Blake. A A blanket. Stupid. Oh, man. So I know that I gave you, what did you call it? My homework packet. Yeah. I gave Hannah a homework packet. was like, here's a few thoughts. Mind you, we're at work. And he comes up to my desk and says, hey, I have homework for you. Is that what I said? Yes. Oh, shit. And so I look at it and I'm like, shit, OK, I'm ready to lock in. So what did you what did we learn? Oh, God, I'm in the hot seat. Well, most of it was just kind of like. I guess things that maybe I didn't understand with autism and kind of like coping mechanisms and stuff. um And then there was a section of like things you were going to talk about. And then at the very, very bottom, there was. a line or two directed at me and I said, why did I get the whole packet? You know, one line of this is me, but. Well. It's I'm joking, Blake. Oh, I'm joking. Ah, humor. No. So that's kind of what was in my homework packet. Yeah, I'm looking because I should have had it ready. I should have had it ready, but I didn't. Hold on. Oh, no. Say something funny. something funny. um Fail. Hey, I came over this time to Blake's house and I've been sitting on the couch for about 20 minutes. I'm so sorry. for Blake to fix it, but it's okay because there's a cat. There's two cats. I know, but I only met one. oh Only one of them thinks I'm nice. um What's something funny, Blake? Oh, here we go. What's funny? I found it. Go ahead. Feel free to laugh. Insert laugh track here. OK. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just wanted to kind of like run over some of this stuff. um So what so because I'm the reason the reason for the FMLA is is mostly autistic burnout, but like my doctor put it down for any of the neurodivergent issues that I deal with, including anxiety and depression and what? Yeah. And uh it's weird because people act like ADHD isn't real or that everyone has it. Right. uh Same thing with autism, I think. think a lot of people are like, oh, well, everyone's I fucking hate that. I know. Everyone's a little autistic. Really? Really? I think people assume anything that could be considered a symptom of autism as autism. So like, I do have like sensory problems. Right. But it's like, I'm not over here saying I'm autistic. I just have sensory problems. that's good point. And it's like the way that I think about it is like, I've been hungry before, but I'm not starving. Right. You know what I mean? Like an exaggeration of something. So like, kind of understand it. And even that's almost unfair because not a lot of people, not everyone has sensory issues. Right. So like to the point where you buy a t-shirt and you immediately rip the tag off. Right. Yeah. Or you just buy tagless shirts like, oh, what a wonderful invention. Oh, my gosh. I recently little tangent here. I recently discovered Old Navy workout pants. OK. They don't have tags on the back. It's just printed on the back. Best thing ever. Best thing since sliced bread, because the last thing I want to feel is a piece of plasticky paper rubbing against the small of my back. that's going to send me into sensory overload. I was about to make like, mm, mm. Blake, you relate. Your old Navy blackout pants. Ooh, plasticky scratchiness all over my back. It sounds, it sounds terrible. It's horrible. Yeah. And so the worst thing is like, I remember I would be annoyed by it as a kid and like my, um, mom or my dad, whoever was with me at the time, they would cut. the tag off instead of ripping it off and then it would be even worse. And it's a little sharp. It's little shard razor blade of paper, plastic. sticks out rather than at least folding down a little. And so now I just rip them off. Yeah. I'm like, okay, so there's a little hole and then I'll stitch it up if I need to. Because I got skills when it comes to, I'm like Betsy Ross. Ladies. I'm like Blake Ross. He can sew up your pants. Oh yeah, so can. Stupid. It's so can because it's like your ass anyway anyway um All right, I'm looking at this here. Okay. But yeah, so I wanted to talk about overcoming autistic burnout and kind of some of the techniques that I use that I've found are helpful. One of them being, it's really, okay, so it's really hard to down-regulate around other people, which is why I will take these FMLA days or why I've taken mental health days before I had the FMLA. And basically I come home, Or I don't leave depending on, if I try to venture out into the world and then I'm like, I can't do this today. So I'll come home and I'll like, or I'll come downstairs and I'll lay on the couch. I have the fan going. Um, I had the lights off. Um, and then I just, I just lay down. I don't necessarily sleep. I just laid it. I just lay down. It's, it's pretty quiet in my, in my house. Um, it, especially during the day, you know, like maybe the lawn guy. I'll hear that once in a while or I'll hear the garbage truck. But for the most part, it's far enough away from the main road that it's not really that loud. And so it's pretty easy to down regulate as far as just being in the silence and kind of like letting my mind do whatever it needs to do. Because when I find that when I'm like working, um there's almost no break. No, and when you get up from your, like I do take like little mini breaks, because I need to stand up and like move around. So like, I'm like, I'm gonna get water, I'm gonna go to the Everyone does that. No, I know, but I'm doing it for a different purpose. Right, right. Because I, you know, or I'll get locked into something and then, or I can't focus or whatever. And it's becoming like harder and easier at the same time because, harder because, It feels like the longer I'm there, the more people are like, oh, he can do this or, he can handle it. So that makes it difficult to advocate for myself. But on the other hand, I've learned a lot of these techniques to kind of help me. So I mentioned the weighted vest. It kind of works, but it was, it's too full in the back. so when I'm like trying to sit, it just didn't. It didn't feel Make you look like Quasimodo. Yeah, I look like Quasimodo. uh like walking around with it's fine, but sitting down, was just kind of like, already, they say that you're compressing your spine when you sit. Yeah. For long hours like that. And I'm like, I don't know if wearing 30 pounds on my back is in my chest is helping with the spine. I'm going to be really Quasimodo. I support it. Yeah. I'm going to be walking around looking like Dolem. Lord of the Rings. uh But yeah, so I'm just going to kind of read some of this stuff. uh One of the things too, it says to actively reduce your demands. So cutting non-essentials, lowering your daily obligations to the bare minimum required for survival. love that. Good luck with that. Yeah. Well, that's why you can't be at work. Right. You just have to be away from people. Postpone social commitments and non-urgent errands. Simplify your nutrition, eliminate the energy cost of cooking by utilizing ready to eat safe, quote unquote safe foods or precut ingredients, and communicate your limits. So if you feel safe, let your employer or loved ones know you're struggling and asked to pause new projects or responsibilities. So in those times when I'm at work and like on a good day, I still get overwhelmed. because there can be like too much talking or anything else in the environment. Our work environment is very noisy. It can be and it's like it's frustrating when it's quiet. Like there'll be no music playing. Right. And then it's like it comes in waves like the sound from people. Yeah. Especially in the department right next to ours. It'll be like quiet and then all of a sudden the chatter. Everyone's hooting and hollering. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's I, what I basically do is um I'm starting to like rock at my desk a little bit. If it helps, I haven't noticed. um Well, that's good. And then like, I'm kind of like doing this thing with my feet where I'm like building like a rhythm where I'm kind of like tapping one leg and then tapping the other one while I'm working on my computer. that kind of stimming actually is it's stimulating for one thing, because it helps because I do get kind of sleepy on my desk. And then I have to force myself. I'm like, had to sit up. And then, know, so aside from that, and then like I'll do a little bit of like swaying, just kind of like moving back and forth. Yeah. And it's not to the full extent that I would do like I find myself doing it now a lot more than I used to. And I was like, what's that about? You're dancing. Well, like, why am I feeling the need to do that. And I was researching it online and it's like, well, adulthood uh brings with it a lot more. Interesting. um Like you, you have all this trauma maybe from your childhood and you have a lot more responsibility as an adult. impact you harder. Yeah. And you, so like life is more stressful. And so, and also they're like, you're probably not outside playing all day. Dang. So like. I think we need to. I wish. Like as a kid, I was always outside. You couldn't get me off my bike. Really? I lived on that thing. Yeah, bikes, rollerblades. I was skateboarding for a little bit. I thought I was Avril Lavigne. It's Hannah Hawk. What can I say? I gave that up after maybe like two or three weeks. OK. Did you figure out how to do an ollie at least? No, my parents wouldn't let me. They wouldn't let you ollie? They wouldn't let me do anything other than just ride the skateboard. That's just standing. I know. I know. That's why I stopped. and they... I wanted to look cool, right? Because I mean, what seventh grader on a skateboard doesn't want to look cool? But they would only let me do it if I was just like riding the skateboard and if I had knee pads, elbow pads and a helmet on. And I was like, I look like a fucking dweeb. That's So much for looking cool. Right. Right Avril Lavigne wouldn't wear knee pads and elbow pads. Well, I mean she might wear knee pads. Never mind. Sorry Avril. You're my favorite Canadian. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. uh Mine is Hudson Williams. My favorite Canadian. Oh, don't really have a favorite Canadian. If I did, it would probably be like Michael J. Fox or Jim Carrey or something. Why would you say that? Oh, I forgot you. Why would you say that? Oh, man, I should have a big poster of him in here. um I would never come over again. OK. Can we talk about that fear or no? Yeah, no, we can. It's kind of weird because like I remember I wore I have a T-shirt. It's an Ace Ventura T-shirt. it's got sick different like faces of his during, you know, doing in the in the two movies. And Hannah was like, huh? And I was like, what's going on? What's happening? And she was like, that's Jim. Jim Carrey. I'm like, freaks me out. OK, what happened? So it's like a trauma thing. OK. Unfortunately, I so. I. I don't know how to explain this without it sounding really depressing and making you feel bad. um So when I was younger. I suffered from a form of abuse and I have PTSD from that. Like I take medication for that because I have nightmares. And one day I had a nightmare of Jim Carrey and he was not a good person in this nightmare. And since then I cannot watch anything with him in it. I don't want to see his face. It like will make me sick to my stomach. That is the weirdest thing. I know you're telling me. But this is a safe space. Listen, I appreciate it. Yeah, no, it's like one of those things where it's like I don't feel like going into detail with like strangers. Yeah. About like, oh, yeah, well, I had a nightmare that, you know, bad things happened with him. And so it's just like, oh no, I just really don't like him, you know? Right. Yeah, OK. I mean, I could see one dream. Yes. Damn, dude, that must have been one. It was a bad one. Yeah. Well, I mean, like I said, I get very vivid nightmares. that's why. mean, it's weird because like I have pretty crazy dreams, but most of them aren't. I don't think I've ever had a dream or like a real person. Like I woke up and was like, ugh. It's always like an event or some horrible thing is happening, but it's not like there'll be people doing bad things in my dreams, but they're not, they're like nameless, faceless people. Yeah. No, I don't know what about Jim Carrey. He just- You must've watched like a movie. I must've. And all of a sudden he infiltrated your dreams, like Inception style. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Keep them away. All right. Well, that's enough about Jim Carrey. Thank you. Thank you. um So one of the other things is uh just kind of going through this list here is for dealing with autistic burnout. Boy out. Huh? Autistic boy out. Is that what I said? Autistic burnout. Boy out. I didn't say boy out. Yeah, vaguely. OK. Radical rest. Yeah, let's get some radical rest, dude. Only if you wear knee pads and elbow pads. Oh, boy. In a helmet. Sensory management, that's how I like to do it. I'm in the bedroom throwing on my knee pads and my elbow pads and my helmet. And I'm like, things are about to get rough. Maybe that'll help me. Maybe I need that. The guy's like, I'm in for a treat. Yeah, you are. My leg muffin top with the knee pads. Oh my God. Yeah, that really gets the guys going. Yeah, he's like, look at all that. Look at all that. Look at that flop. The knee pad keeps sliding down because it's a youth medium. Let's pull it up. can see your knees. uh That's my nightmare. Don't look at my knees. Oh, God. That's why I'm covering them. Right. These are the only four parts I'm embarrassed by. So, so radical rest and sensory management. So limiting sensory input. Like I said, being in a quite dark quiet, dark, or low stimulation environment. And it says practicing deep pressure therapy. So using things like weighted blankets, soft fabrics, deep pressure garments, which what the hell is that? Do they have like heavy shirts or something? I have no idea. See, that's what I was thinking. Is that maybe like compression kind of stuff? Maybe. Because they say it's like the release of endorphins or whatever can come from having like a weighted blanket on. Yeah. It can. be soothing and then that's, I was reading it I was like, why do some autistic people like rock or sway? And it's like, and I don't know why I never thought of this before. It's because it gives off the like sensation of being rocked like when you're a baby. And it's soothing. And I was like, whoa. Isn't that crazy? Like I never thought of it like that before. And I'm like, oh man. So that makes sense why it's a self soothing technique. Um, stop masking. Just stop. Stop masking. That's one of the, it's so hard. People say they're like, why don't you just be yourself? And it's like, unfortunately this is myself, like because I've had to do it for so long. Years of just living a certain way. just built into who I am. like, it's, it's not like I'll be in the car singing Sia or something. You better work. um, chandelier. Why don't you give us, give us, give us a little taste. No, maybe not. No, that's probably not a good idea. Um, but I'll be, no, can't afford the rights. Um, but, uh, I'll be, I'll be singing that song and in my mind, like it's very epic. Oh yeah. Like in my mind, I've got the moon roof open and I'm standing and the car's still driving. I love that. And you know, chandelier. Thank you. There we go. Thank you so was awful. And I'm actually not a bad singer. No, it was really good. Yeah. I loved it. ah But like, and then someone will drive by me and I stop. Uh huh. And I'm just like, you're normal. I'm too aware of the people next to me. And people are always like, you're never going to see them again. And I'm like, doesn't. So? Doesn't matter. No, like I have this thing. I don't know if I've ever told you about it, but like my number one fear and the thing I hate the most and this is something I'm working to overcome is I never want someone to have a negative impression of me. Right. And it doesn't matter if I'm going to see them again. Nothing. And so it's like if I look like even if it's not necessarily I look like a fool, if there's someone out there who is looking at me that could ever interpret what I'm doing as dumb, or annoying, I try to avoid it. And so it's like, do the same thing. I'm I'm jamming out in the car. As soon as there's a car next to me, I'm not moving. I'm a robot in my driver's seat. I'm envious of people that like, you'll you see them just rocking out and they're just living their best life. They look right at you. They make eye contact. Yeah. I'm like, I would die. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. oh Ew. I'm sorry. But yeah, when I see people do that, but then those are the kind of people, like, okay, we talked about some dating stuff. I don't think I talked about the Isaac story last time, did I? I don't think so. So I went on, was in, uh when I was back in California, way before I ever met Rochelle, just making that clear, uh there was this woman, Sarah, I went on a date with her. And she was like, I wanna read your... Or no, she had tarot cards. Tarot? I say tarot. I don't know which way is correct. You know what mean though. Yeah. And she was reading whatever it was and then she pulled this card and it's funny because I'm like, you know what's funny is that she could have just made a bunch of stuff up and I still would have been like, oh, I don't know how to interpret this. And she's like, this one means that you're amazing in bed. And I was like, I totally believe this. Well, a lot of the times with the tarot stuff, because I was into it for a little while. Really? Yeah, I was. That tracks for me, though. A lot of it can be up to whoever is doing the readings intuition. um Like, obviously, for some cards that are like baseline, like the death card doesn't mean death, but it for sure can mean like, you know, new starts, things like that. but it's like you can interpret it different ways depending on the person. So it sounds like Sarah wanted to sleep with you. She sure did. That's all I got. Oh my gosh. Oh no, there's more. Oh my God. So the whole point of the story wasn't to just tell everyone how amazing in bed I am. Well, I don't know. I don't know when you started wearing knee pads and elbow pads. And a helmet. Let's not forget. Was it before or after Sarah? That was during Sarah. Oh, dang. Right in the middle of it. was like, OK, I'll be right back. opened your eyes. Yeah. I'm going to go get a helmet. No, so like the thing I was saying is like certain people that they're just too they're almost like too comfortable or a little scary. And so those same people that are like singing in the car and they don't give a shit that you're looking remind me of this guy, Isaac. So I'm standing there with Sarah. We had been sitting in a in a bar right next to the restaurant we were going to go into. and we're just outside chatting and we have our little, I was gonna say our vibrator. have the- Whoa, like the vibrating coaster. Yeah, whatever, yeah, from the restaurant to the pager. Yeah, That's what it is. And so we see this guy. Now I don't know that she knows him, but she clearly does and she's just buckled up, ready to go. And I just see him he's like, yeah, he's on the phone. And he's like, yeah, I'm right here. I'm right here. Wait. Well, when are you going to leave? Like he was waving like she was nearby, the woman that he was waiting for. And then I was like, so what, what's happening? And he walks by and he goes, Hey, yeah, I'm trying to fuck this chick. Whoa. I was like, all right. And she's like, Isaac, you're so crazy. And I was like, Oh, you guys know each other? And he's like, what's your fucking problem, bro? Oh my God, I'll cry. nothing. And he wasn't like a big scary dude, but he was like a little scary dude. um That's how people describe me. Okay. I'm a little scary dude. You're a little scary dude. Yeah. I like it. um And so I was trying to like deflect and I was like, hey, I like your shirt. And he goes, yeah, I made it. I was like, okay. He goes, I'm an artist. Yeah, I'm sure you are. I was like, okay. He goes, you see that over there? And I was like, the crosswalk? He goes, no, that art on the ground, that's art. And I was like, what are you talking about? All I see is a crosswalk. He's like, well, if you walk over there, sir, there's art on the ground that I painted. It's not a fucking crosswalk. I was like, okay. And he goes, I painted that shit. I'm so happy for you, Isaac. All right. And he's like, Sarah, you looking good, girl. He's like, I bet you get that sweet ass and like start saying all this stuff. He's like, I would love to take your top off. Oh my God. Like crazy. And I was like, oh, she's like, oh, you're so crazy. I'm like, dude, that is like so creepy. was trying to cook you in front of a restaurant. Dude, I don't even I don't I don't know. He was going to see my darkest hole. You got that right. Damn right. He, yeah, and he, so that whole night was really bizarre because of that dude. And then she started telling me about how she took her eight-year-old son to Burning Man. Whoa, that feels irresponsible. I was like, isn't Burning Man for like hippies and drug addicts and stuff? And she's like, no, it's an art installation. I was like, I know, it's an art installation for hippies and drug addicts. Right. And I was like, and that's fine. It has its place and I've met some people that are Burning Man types of people. no judgment. They're a fine class of people, but it's not my type of thing that I would take my eight year old to. Right, right, no. And she's like, oh, you're such a square. She actually said square. She's like, you sound like my ex. And she's like, yeah, because he gave me a lot of shit for taking him. And she's like, and then out of nowhere, she's like, have you ever done cocaine? I was like, recently. she was like, oh my God. She's like, I don't think I could fuck a guy that didn't do cocaine. And I was like, concerned about Sarah. Yeah, I don't know. I wonder what happened to her because we did go back to my place and we did stuff. Uh huh. And then in the morning I drove her home because she didn't have a car. Blake, you just love ignoring red flags, huh? You and me both. mean, but this is like before Uber. So it was like I couldn't call her an Uber. Yeah. So I had to like it was it was funny because after that she pulled that card. She was kind of like, you know, I'm going to mop you up like a biscuit with jam or something. And I was like, jam. Whoa. This is yeah. Anyway, but it's like those people. That's my long wayward ass way of saying they make me nervous. No, I get it. I'm the same way. I'm the same way. Yeah. No, I understand for sure. I've never been really comfortable with people I don't know. That's like a really big thing with me. um And so if they start just saying things like that, I'm freaked out. I'm never going outside of my apartment again. I might as well be dead to everyone. I'm scared. Really? Yes. Oh, man. It's hard, like even like I got crazy anxiety. Like even coming over here. I was like Hannah, chill, it's Blake. It's just because it's roads I've never been on. You know, I've never been here. I don't know. It's like a thing. feel comfortable now? Yeah. That didn't sound really confident. No, no, no, no, I do. OK. But it's also just like because I have an event later. Right. I'm freaking out. I know. I'm freaking out. Well, this is a perfect time to dive into your thing that we were maybe going to talk about if you feel comfortable. Okay. um Because people were asking me, they're like, what's wrong with Hannah? Why is Hannah here? What's her deal? Yeah. They said we can tell some things wrong. some, she got into that panel van. mean, like- There's got to be some kind of condition there. Something's loose. But yeah, like, I don't know if you feel comfortable, but- Absolutely. Like talking about your own- you know, kind of like mental health struggles and stuff that, you know, doesn't necessarily need to be like specific to neurodiversity because like to me, again, the whole thing is just highlighting mental health is, you know, in general. Yeah. So take it away. Like what like what kinds of things like other than like anxiety, obviously, that's one. Yeah. That's and I think a lot of people relate to that. Oh, yeah. It's a it's a big one. And I think a lot of that has to do with the environment I grew up in. Yeah. I mean, like I said earlier, I did suffer with uh a form of abuse growing up, and that was with my biological dad. And then when my mom remarried, he was not my favorite person. And so. new dude? Yes. Not the one she's married to now. Oh, was like, she's on number three. We love him. All right. But. my brother's father, he was very loud, very angry. um And so I kind of grew up feeling like people were always looking at me because he always had a problem if we went out to eat. He had the horrible road rage. um And then it, and so I was just always really scared. And I also was like nine when we found out my mom was pregnant. And then my brother, who is autistic, he, I mean, as a child, this is, I don't want this to sound insensitive, but it's just the facts. I grew up in an abusive household for like the first 10 years of my life. And then from there, I had insane anxiety because of my new stepdad. And now I have a little brother who is autistic. and would have, he has shown signs of autism from a very early age. We got him private, we, I didn't do it, they got him privately tested when he was like three or four. Because he had like severe problems. um So he would have outbursts anywhere we went, you know? And at the time we didn't know what was wrong. um And so between him his dad and then, you know, not really knowing what was going on with my brother. I was just a very, very anxious person. And then I found out uh I've always struggled with depression. It's always been a really bad thing for me. um just because of everything, you know, and I also I know that there's a lot more going on like in my brain with it. But then I would say when I was like 20, 21, it was it's worse. And I I mean, I'll talk about it. I think talking about mental health is very, very important. Yeah, I was committed for ideations. Oh, wow. I did not know that. so. How does that like, can I ask, how does that work? Like someone else did it or you did it yourself? The best part is Crystal drove me. Oh, that's my best friend and roommate. So I was home alone with her because her and I lived together at that point. And I would say for a few days, I knew that something was wrong. I was going through a really hard time with my boyfriend at the time. Hello, Kenny. And I knew how I was feeling wasn't okay. And so I just reached out to my mom and I said, mom, I need to go somewhere. Like this is what's going on. I'm not feeling great. And then her and Crystal got me to the hospital. And then I was there for like five or six days. uh Mind you, while I was there, my boyfriend at the time came to visitation and broke up with me. What a dickhead. Yeah, so that was really fun. I kind of got back at him though, because he thought he could leave whenever he wanted, but he couldn't. So he broke up with me when he first got there and had to sit there for another hour. pussy. Yeah. Seriously, anyway, but yeah, good Lord. And so there I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder. um I I would say as I've gotten older, I'm able to kind of cope with my depression a bit better. um My bipolar is really what I find myself kind of still struggling with. Yeah. um I'm better now, obviously, but like in my marriage, because those who don't know, I used to be married. um I felt like it was a problem. Because at the time I was like, I don't need medication. I'm good. I'm better now, right? In looking back, I can acknowledge that I did overreact sometimes. I was kind of an ass sometimes. That doesn't downplay how he treated me. Right. Because he still wasn't the best. You're just taking ownership of your part of it. Absolutely. And I that's really important. A lot of the times with bipolar, my brand especially, I will have these blow ups where I'll say things I don't mean, I'll act impulsively, I'll, you know, and it's really bad. And then after I'm done, Immense guilt immense depression because it's like I can't believe I would fucking do that uh Maybe I'm bipolar Definitely identify with that. It's so much. It's really hard, you know And I think bipolar disorder has a massive stigma with it, especially growing up It's like well only crazy people are by right and it's like what I mean, I'm a fully functioning adult I am... It's a mood disorder, isn't it? Yeah. Okay. Like I'm Medicaid and I'm perfectly fine. I haven't had a problem in years, you know? Because doesn't it have something to do with like how your body processes certain chemicals or like lack thereof? I'm not sure. Honestly, I haven't looked too much into it. uh I just live it. I just live it. It's just my truth, you know? um So I've got that going for me. Which is nice. Yeah. Cool. um I always feel like I have to explain myself when I tell people I'm bipolar. Do you ever just tell people if they're like, so what are you into? And you're like, I'm bi. Polar. Polar. mean, it helps that I'm also bi. Right. Oh, so you could be like, I'm bi-bi. Precisely. No. um And so it's been hard um just kind of growing up with that, because it's like I already have so many external things that are messing with me, but now also my brain doesn't want to do what it's supposed to do. Yeah. And I have PMOS, which is polyendocrine metabolic ovarian syndrome, which also one of the symptoms with that is depression. Oh, fun. Yeah. And so I've got like depression squared a little bit with it. You're going to be so much fun at this party you're headed to. Listen. Hey, here comes P. Moss Hannah. Hey. No, I mean, it used to be, I mean, this is my soapbox. PMOS used to be PCOS, um which was polycystic ovarian syndrome. um But because the healthcare universe doesn't take women's health as seriously, insurance and doctors didn't take PCOS seriously. They thought it was just an ovarian thing. But it turns out it actually can stem from my pituitary gland in my brain. And it has to do with the hormones that I have. While yes, ovarian cysts are a big symptom, I also have uh insulin resistance. so there's a lot that goes into it. So with this change to PMOS, that I'm hoping that leads to more medication being covered by insurance, more research going into it. Because there are medications that my endocrinologist want me to take, but I can't because our insurance through work doesn't cover it. Yeah, that's like, to me, For some, I don't know what it is about our country that it's, to me, like, mental health is as if not more important than physical health. Like part of it is they work hand in hand. Like I've been losing a little bit of weight and I feel like mentally a little bit better. Same. And... uh Not you, me. No. You do seem better. You seem better. But it, and I hope to continue that journey, but not just to be thinner, but to feel better, maybe feel a bit more confident, stuff like that. And I noticed that like when I'm in shape, like I just, I don't reach for, um what's the word I'm looking for? Like vices as often? Yeah, no absolutely. Cause I don't, it's like when you're, you know, like if you eat, like crappy pussy, like eat crappy food. And you're like, I just worked out. Like, I don't want to, you know, I'm to eat like some vegetables and some, get some good protein as opposed to like, when you just feel like a lump on a log and you're just like, I'm just going to get a burger, which is fine. There's nothing wrong with that. You got to get a burger once in a while, but like, you can't do it every day. Like I've done in the past, it's like every day, all day. It's like, okay, I hit McDonald's. for breakfast and it's like well I might as well I use my points yeah from the McDonald's app so I'm gonna go get a filet of fish right which I tried for the first time not bad honestly pretty pretty like surprisingly tasty like I would not order it from McDonald's again but like just because I'm weird with fish oh really um you know that's right you don't like fish I have a fear of throwing up And so I don't eat anything that could possibly make me throw up and for some reason fish seems I love seafood. I Know oh man. I'm telling you like when I went on that date with Sarah sweet Sarah ah She she's the first person that got me to try raw oysters Oh my god, and I was like, oh it looks so gross and then I tried it and you put all this You know, it looks like a loogie it does but they but they're like when you put all the accoutrements on there You know, like they have like a little vinegar and like, Oh my God, they're good. And they're actually supposed to be an aphrodisiac. I'm telling you. They worked, they worked that day. That's crazy. No, I just can't do it. I can't do it. That's foul. I respect it. Are there any other types of foods that you just can't stand or is it really just seafood in general? It's just seafood primarily. um with meat, there's safe meat and then unsafe meat. Yeah, like kosher meat. Is that what you're talking about? No, like like I don't eat barbecue food because if I get like pulled pork or something and I bite, it's always just feels so unsafe to me. If I bite in and it and it's rubbery, I'm throwing up. I can't do it. Wow. Yeah, I can't. Well, that doesn't sound like a good piece of meat anyway. Even like steak sometimes is too much. I'm not a big fan of that. What's a safe meat then? Chicken is usually safe. Chicken. I like sausage, that's usually safe. Yeah, you do. Blake. Sorry. Hit me up, man, I am single. There are cobwebs, but we'll figure it out. I was going to say, bring your duster. Bring your duster. It's fine, though. I'm ready. um Yeah, no, that's hit or miss for me. I don't like eggs. Like a plain, don't, oh my God, runny yolks. I can't do it. You know what's weird about runny yolk? So like I'll watch, I love cooking shows. I like watching competitions and stuff like that. they'll make like uh a poached egg and put it on like a sandwich or something. Right. And it's like. perfectly poached and so it like oozes out and I look at it and I'm like, oh my God, that looks so yummy. Yeah. No, it looks amazing. But like every time I've tried like undercooked egg, it doesn't taste pleasant. I mean, that always comes back for me to the fear of throwing up. Yeah. I'm like, what if this is done wrong and I throw up? Yeah. Like I have to have scrambled eggs, hard boiled eggs, or I like fried eggs, but they have to be over hard. They can't be over medium. What you know about over hard? Oh, you know all about it. It's been, like I said, though, it's been a while. You're like, I forget. I'm out of practice. But yeah, like it's it's uh it's it's one of the to me it's one of the weirder food versions that I have where and I think this is so gross, but ah I was so I was a kid. My grandma was uh it was right before she passed away. So my mom sent me to stay with my cousin. and my cousins rather, um like my first cousin and then his kids, I guess my first cousins once removed or whatever. So there was like five of six of us and their mom was uh from, she was Spanish. They always would say she was Spanish, but I thought she was from Mexico. It doesn't matter. Anyway, she was from another country, so she had an accent. And so she was like, Oh, I'm making mac and cheese. And I'm like, Oh, well, yeah. I love mac and cheese. Sign me up. So I go to bite into it and as I pull the stop mac and cheese up, you know, usually like if it's really good mac and cheese, you get that cheese pull. Yes. So there was like this long stop booger thing. Oh, Blake. And I was like, what the? And I was like, what is this? And she's like, oh, I crack a raw egg in there. And I was like, yeah, and mix it up. And I was like, why would you do that when you, she's like, oh, the kids love it. And I was like, not this kid. So I, and here's the thing, this is back when people actually followed through when they would say like, well then you don't need to eat. So I didn't eat that day. That's insane. Like that dinner that was like, well, I was like, can't I have sandwich or something? No, this is what I made you. I, I like to say I always need to know what I'm eating before I eat it. Like I dated, my first real boyfriend was Vietnamese and I would go to his house all the time. and his mom and his grandma lived with him, but neither one of them spoke English. And I remember one day they put food in front of me and I was very grateful, you know, and I couldn't tell what it was, you know? I'm just being honest. I couldn't tell what it was. You're like, why did that dog stop barking? Blake? I'm calling the police. No, I couldn't tell what it was. And I asked my boyfriend and he was like, oh, I don't know, but like, it's really good. Try it. And I was like, dude, I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can. And he was like, they're going to see it as disrespectful if you don't eat it. I hate that. I understand, especially if there's a communication barrier. I don't want them to think I'm not grateful or, you know, I don't respect their culture. um And so I took a bite gagged, but I I forced it. You know, um, just to say I tried it, whatever. I need to know what something is or else I'm going to tell myself this is. Rabbit testicles. no, I can't do it. Yeah, that's it's weird because like I've tried some funky foods. Me too, but I knew what they were going into it. That's fair. I guess that's true. Like I would not be one of those people that you see like Tik Tok where they have a blindfold. Yeah. And then they'll like, someone will feed them something. I'm like, no, no. No. Because I'd be afraid someone would be putting their balls in my face. whole time I'd be looking through the blindfold, be like, are there any balls around here? Right. No, I I've had camel meatballs. Delicious. Camel? Delicious. you have that? It was some bougie restaurant, like in the city. were delicious. I thought camels were like horses, like the type of meat like you wouldn't want to eat a horse. I don't know. They make like jerky and stuff from it. I don't know. so crazy. I've never heard of someone eating camel. Yeah. The only camel I've ever eaten was a toe. You are so annoying. I know. Like, no, I'm just kidding. For those who don't know, I'm just mean. But I mean it with love. Yeah. No, but it was delicious. And I only ate it because I knew what it was going into it. Yeah. You know? It wasn't like camel testicle meatballs. It was like camel meat. I'm pretty sure, but I'm choosing not to overthink it. Like a spaghetti meatball, but like made with camel meat. I hope. That's so different. It's like when I was in Colorado, there was this really good wing place that we would go to. to this day, it's like the best wings I've ever had. They were like crispy, like the sauces were all on point. And then they had like a few kind of like strange things, to me, strange on the menu. And one of them was Like some kind of lizard. wasn't like an alligator. was something else. like uh a guan, I don't know what it was. But it was like they had like these little balls. Why is it always balls? I don't know. But they had the, and uh now I can't remember what it was, but I remember being like, I'm gonna try it. Not bad. But again, not something I would necessarily order again. It was more for the experience. For the bit. Yeah. Whereas like some things I've tried, I'm like, huh, it's actually like snake. Yeah. It actually tastes pretty good. Interesting. Yeah. It's it's kind of a weird one to eat because like- like it would be tough. It's not tough. It's kind of like, well, you probably wouldn't like it because about, about, what I'm about to say is it's kind of like a cross between chicken and fish. Like it's the consistency of fish, but tastes like chicken. I would be open to trying it. Yeah, like it's weird. It's like right there in the middle and then like when they cook it It tastes it's I guess it doesn't have like an altogether Pleasant or unpleasant like more of a neutral flavor like the you're really selling it. Well, no, it tastes like whatever you cook it in Oh, so like if you make it with like a garlicky herb thing. Yeah, I have like more of that garlic It's sort of like have you ever had as cargo? I have okay. Did you not like it it? It was like a booger in my mouth. Really? Maybe you didn't get the good stuff. I was in Paris. Oh, that's when I had it. I thought to me it was like, I was like, this tastes kind of like shrimp. See, but I don't like shrimp. Damn it. I know. I know. are a tough, tough crowd. I eat like a toddler. Like I need the most basic food. Mac and cheese. You know, like minus the egg boogers. Minus the egg boogers, I fuck up a mac and cheese. All right. Yeah. Yeah, mac and cheese. mean, I like even the box mac and cheese. I'll get down. Yeah. But I mean, like when you make real mac and cheese, it's funny because I'm like, OK, that's the baseline, right? Is like Kraft mac and cheese. Right. It's like can't be worse than this. And it does get worse. Like I've had mac and cheese that didn't even taste as good as the box Kraft mac and cheese. Yeah. No, my least favorite. This mac and cheese rant is everything to me. Right. uh My least favorite mac and cheese is the kind where it's almost a little powdery and there's no flavor. But like so many like white moms will make it for like cookouts or whatever. And I'm like, this is just noodle in a yellow paste. Are you talking about like the salad? No. No. Like, because macaroni salad is, I've had really good macaroni salad. And then I've had it like what you're describing where it's just like mayonnaise and noodles. No, no, it looks like mac and cheese. It looks like it should be fire. But then there's like barely any flavor and it's got like a gritty kind of texture. It's so bad. Are you talking about like because they put bread crumbs on top? no, no. They make it a lot for like our work events. So next time I experience it, I'll let you know. Oh, OK. I think I know what you're talking about. It's bad. Mac and cheese. Yeah, like it looks like homemade mac and cheese, and it is homemade mac and cheese, but it's like whatever cheese they're using. There's no flavor. It's like Velveeta. Yeah, there's no flavor. Yeah, you need to use like a sharp cheddar. Something that kicks in the ass. Agreed. And has like If I don't feel like I'm going to piss out of my ass later, there's not enough cheese. What? I'm just being honest. I have IBS. Oh, man. You got the Ibs too? What don't I have, Blake? I think autism might be the only thing I Maybe we should have our own show. We'll call it Ibtism and Ibs. Yeah. I like it. Pmos, Hannah. Pmos, Hannah, and Tism, Blake. Blake Tism. Oh, Tism. That's how it sounds. you poor thing. You know, it's like, please don't do that. Yeah. You have no idea. I'm probably smarter than you. Like whoever. Drag them. No, seriously. mean, not just not me particularly, like specifically, but like, Like, it's funny. I'll talk to other autistic people and I'm like, damn, you're smart. Yeah. I'm like, am I that smart? I wish I was that smart. Yeah. But it's because like my um Like my focus is on making like I make music and I like movies I know a lot about movies because the joke you know kind of one of the things is that oh you're autistic you must love trains Stop that's so funny. Yeah, and I'm like, I mean they're okay I don't know enough about them, but I'm neutral on trains like but if you talk about movies, it's over Oh the tism comes out hard I would say probably four times a day you ask me if I've seen a certain movie. Yeah. And like, I appreciate being asked, but also, you know, the answer is always no. I know, but it's like there's a glimmer of hope in my eye and in my little heart. I'm just like, have you have you seen the Goonies? And you're like, the who? And I'm like, God damn it. No, I know of the Goonies, just never seen it. That's so that's unfortunate. I haven't seen most things. Look at that wall next to you. That's all that's all blu-rays and DVDs. And I bet I've maybe seen 10. That's so weird. I don't know what it is. I just feel like and this is maybe like my control freak in me, but I just feel sometimes that like I don't nap. I don't really watch movies because I feel like I don't want to just sit here and do nothing. And like I know watching a movie is doing something. Oh, you cut me real deep. No, no, no, no, no. Like this is just how my brain works. Yeah. Is like. I could be cleaning, I could be going out, I could be doing something, but instead I'm just gonna sit down. I think it's because of how long they are. This is gonna take up two hours of my day. I don't know, it's a thing with me. Man, I don't know if dating is the right word. I went out with someone several times where we would go to her house. we would drink in the garage and then we would have sex and then I would leave. Nice. And like her roommates were there, not like in the room with us. No, they were watching. Yeah. You know, like, why does he have knee pads? Things are about to get rough. But no. And so the reason I mentioned her is I was like just finished film school. And she was like, what a waste of time that was. Oh my god, And I was like, that's what I like. That's my passion as a film. Right. And she's like, yeah. She's like, see, you sit there, like exactly what you just said. She's like, you just sit there and like watch other people's art. No, I would never was like, isn't that what art is? Yeah. Is you experiencing someone else's art? Yeah. if you stand and look at a painting, you didn't paint it. Right. No, I would never say that. I'm not, I don't think that that's a waste of time. I don't know why. I understand it's... yourself. I'm trying. I'm just not very well put together right now. I think I understand people's passions because that's how I am about reading. And if you think about it, I just sit there and look at words on a page. But I do that every single day for at least an hour a day. That's a really good exercise. They actually say it's really good for your brain. Yeah, no. read. mean, in general. So and not like in reading for pleasure. Right, no, I read all the time. last year, last year I read like 80 books. That's insane. Yeah. So it's like a book every other day or every three days. Roughly, yeah. Damn, dude. Like I read a series that was 26 books long last year. And it's like, OK, well, who am I to say watching a movie is crazy? You're like, I'm reading. Thank you very much. Right. My hobby is better than yours. I mean, the thing I do like about reading is that it's like up to your brain to interpret what you're reading as opposed to a film, which it's like, you you you're seeing everything as it's. Yeah. You know, as it's been created for you. So like Harry Potter, for instance, because it's a popular franchise. Like I remember like when I like eventually started reading the books, uh the movies had already come out. So like that informed. my picture of what the characters looked like and sounded like. So that's how I read the books. Yes. See, but I'm also the kind of person where if I've seen the TV show, I don't want to read the books. See, I like going back. Like I started reading First Blood, book, because I love the movie with Stallone. Right. And the book is way different. Yeah. Like, yeah, way different. Like in the movie, he kills one dude and like. kind of not even on purpose. Like he's just trying to get away and he hits the guy in the helicopter and he falls out or hits the helicopter and then the guy falls out. But anyway, in the book, he kills everybody. Nice, nice. And he's kind of like antagonizing the police. And so it's it's it's a more not realistic, but it's it's far more violent. Right. And the whole idea was supposed to be, you know, he's returning from Vietnam and having issues. But anyway, so it's. Like if I had read that book and then went to see that movie, I probably would have been like really disappointed. Yeah, no I For me, it's like I don't reread books either ever ever. Oh, wow I don't know. It's like once I've read it and I know the story I Can enjoy it. It's almost boring to reread it. Huh? Yeah, I don't know. That's so interesting cuz like I'm I don't I've reread comics. Mm-hmm like graphic novels and stories that I really enjoy. then em there are a few books that I've read. Like I used to be obsessed with Catcher in the Rye for some reason. Interesting. Like really identified uh with that story. And it's funny because nothing really happens. No, it's just like it's a character. It's almost like a character study. I think it's really well written, but there's a whole thing. And then I think I started liking it a bit. more because it felt kitschy and it felt like I was like, ooh, this is my cool thing. I've read Catcher in the Rye seven times. Interesting. And I've read each of the Harry Potter books twice. That's crazy. And what else have I read? Oh, and there's a book by Dean Koontz, of all people, called Lightning. It's his best book, I think, by far. And I've read it probably three times. Interesting. Everything else, I'm a one and done. Yeah. No, I can't. I don't really re-watch movies unless it's been like five years since I've seen it. See, that's weird. I watch movies like every year I watch Die Hard on Christmas and Home Alone and Home Alone 2 and like every Christmas movie I watch every year. if I said I've never seen any of those? You've never seen Die Hard? No, or Home Alone. What? I know. Oh my God. I know. I know. I'm like deeply offended. It's like one of those things where it's like I feel so like, bleh. about it, but then when I start watching it, I'm like, that was really good. Right. Like that was so surprising. Well, and the thing that's weird is it's like I'll show Declan stuff because he's young enough that he'll remember watching them and it being whimsical or whatever, you know, like movies that I liked growing up as opposed to waiting till he's like 30. Right. And then showing him like Die Hard and then he'll be like, yeah, it was OK. Kind of Yeah. But it's like. Every action movie after Die Hard was Die Hard on a something. It was like Speed, Die Hard on a Bus. I've seen that one. Die Hard on a Boat. I've seen Speed. Yeah, Speed's fun. It's a fun movie. I know, I was just proud that you said a movie, I know. Oh, I know, right? Keanu. And that's where you get that glimmer of hope. Yes. Right there. Ooh, ooh, she knows something. Hey. Yeah, no, I don't know much. Oh, that's not true. that note, we've been recording for over an hour. Nice. We totally nailed it this time. You think? I think so. What do you guys think? And gals, what do you say these days? don't even know. People. What do they think? What do they think? What do they think? Well, let's see what the audience thinks. Have you seen that video? No. It's this guy and he's like trying to say like his food at a restaurant wasn't good. Yeah. And the lady's like, but you ate it all. And he said like, no, like I want to refund or whatever. And the wait, sorry, the waitress, cause she can see he's filming, shows the plate and goes, let's see what the audience thinks. That is funny. Yeah, that's great. Um, so, all right, let me just remind everybody to, uh, check out TikTok, AutisticDude42. Um, if you want to see some of my videos, I'm trying to. do more content and I do share like updates of stuff as far as the show's concerned here. And then why do you say you don't sound autistic on the Facebook? Damn it. Why do you keep saying the Facebook on the Facebook? Someone's got to Because I'm trying to see the Facebook group and then I'm saying Facebook. That doesn't matter. Check us out. And I appreciate Hannah driving out here and sitting down with me again. Of course. Always a good, interesting conversation, I think. And I do have new music for you, which we'll be playing in a moment. And uh on that note, I'll miss you. Not you. ah I'm Blake. I'm Hannah. And I'll be back.