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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:We have more emails. I know you're excited. Crystal said, thank you for all the wonderful work that you all do. I've been recommending people to your podcast since I started listening, and now people are starting to respond and listen. In one of my groups at work, we had to choose a person, place, or thing that is meaningful or has inspired us.
Speaker 1:So I talked about you. Oh my goodness. That's so kind of you. I talked about how you've inspired me to come out as plural at work and to get to know all of us. After my story, my supervisor looked up System Speak and said she would listen to it.
Speaker 1:Less than a day later, she had listened to four episodes. Oh my goodness. I hope people start at the beginning or or skip all the boring ones or something. I don't know. That feels it's so funny when I stop and think about people actually listening to it.
Speaker 1:I'm dissociated from that part of the dissociative process, I think. Some of the recent episodes on relational trauma have made me realize that I have a lot of good friends who I've known for a decade or more and they feel close to me, but I don't feel close to them. I realized it's because I only let them know some of us and we don't ever talk about what our world or life is like or use insiders or names. I've assumed they would judge me, even though they've always been kind and responsive. I've started taking these risks with friends in talking and letting them know who they're talking to.
Speaker 1:It's scary, but so far I'm finding that friends are supportive. In some Zoom meetings, we've changed our name to crystals, plural, to encompass that there are more than one of us and putting our pronouns as she, they, plural. We've come to a point in our life where the pain of hiding is worse than the fear of coming out and letting people know us. Wow. That's amazing.
Speaker 1:You guys, well done. Emily says they are rooting for our system. Well, thank you, Emily. That was a brave little note. BJ says, I just listened to your podcast.
Speaker 1:I think you are so brave and smart and trying to figure things out and looking for clues. Oh my goodness. That was embarrassing. I lost a little there trying to keep a lid on things, did I? You do such a good job helping on the inside while understanding about the outside things.
Speaker 1:I hope you don't get in trouble and I hope I don't either. I'm an outside person that knows some of you only a little bit, so make sure you ask someone inside if it's okay to read. Then they talk about some private things. I don't want to say names, but it's talking about little protectors, protector littles, something like that. They say, he just showed up from deep inside because something outside happened and since he is our runner, he ran up to me.
Speaker 1:Anyway, he's a special guy to me and since you are so smart and adults can learn a lot from kids, I wanted to share something with you. I'm having a hard time explaining to him the importance to not just show up and talk to people on the outside. I want him to have some people on the inside he can help talk to, play with, or go exploring. One of my favorite things in our inner world to do with him is going for our drives, reading to him, have him read to me, and going exploring. I'm really proud of him because he no longer just goes out and walks around or leaves without one of our special internal family knowing or helping.
Speaker 1:We all love him and want to protect him and sometimes that protection may look like to him as being in trouble. But sometimes he still gets so sad. I have to tell him sometimes that he needs to stay inside when we are talking to outside people. That makes my heart hurt doing that. But sometimes even when kids can teach adults so many things, we still have to make a grown up decision.
Speaker 1:It's not that he got in trouble. It's just that sometimes people on the outside may not understand, and people on the inside don't always want to explain it to them either. I know he sees the outside world and the people in it, and I'm still trying to explain to him why we want or need to help us help him relate to that external world in a safe manner with safe people in a healthy way. I want him to have a few outside people he can talk to. It's just a slow process in happening.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry you feel alone sometimes, but I think part of it could be because you are such a special guy and those people around you want to make sure that the people who know you know that you are good people who understand. I feel like you have a big job taking care of some things, and even those things sometimes have to be put away or held in memory time, so now time can be safe. It doesn't mean that you don't matter. I remember once where you podcasted and talked about how there were football teams and how it is hard to have a team and play football if you don't have a quarterback, an offense, or a defense, things like that. Right?
Speaker 1:Do you know what else makes up a team? People in the background, the coaches, the trainers, the workers who will show you where your seat is while taking your ticket, and even you, the football fan. You are part of a very important team for Systems Peak, and I have always been endeared to you because of that. You and those around you sort of taught me how to be part of my internal team too. Thank you.
Speaker 1:By the way, I'm glad you get to be in a place where you got to explore a little and see fireworks. I bet if you ask inside, even if you are scared to get in trouble, someone will take a little time to explain to you where you are and how you got there and why you are there. Well, that was a lot of information. Thank you for always trying to be a good coach. Really, I mean it.
Speaker 1:Kim says, oh, hi, Kim again. I love you, Kim. Shout out to Kim. Oh my goodness, Jean Marc. It was so super good to hear your voice.
Speaker 1:Oh, so embarrassing. Okay. I knew it was you when the episode started, and I could hear footsteps grass and the leaves, but I didn't want to get too excited in case I was wrong. I'm glad you got to see the fireworks, and a horse was nearby. I am, however, sorry you feel trapped inside and you can no longer talk to us like you used to.
Speaker 1:I truly hope you are free again someday and that you're able to eat chips and salsa. There is no chips and salsa happening right now and that is for that very reason. And Kim, you and I can duke it out later, but I just can't talk about it yet. Maybe later we can. Right now I cannot talk about it.
Speaker 1:You're so good to check on us. Thank you, Kim. Shelly says, hello, this is my first time contacting you, but I've been enjoying your podcast on and off for about a year, listening to many at once and then taking breaks as my own system needs them. I appreciate all that you've done for the community and knowing that each of us is not alone. I had no idea that anyone existed the way that I did and functioned seemingly normally within outside society.
Speaker 1:Well, we try to avoid society actually, but otherwise we are functioning. I have been diagnosed in doing weekly therapy for four or five years and find your podcast topics to be of interest to discuss discuss in therapy. My therapist has started listening sometimes too. I just wanted to reach out to thank you and let you know that you're appreciated. Thank you, Shelly.
Speaker 1:That was so kind and I will write you back. Rebecca says, I would love to know the title of the opening piano song you play. I have some trauma related to the piano, but whenever I hear your song on the podcast, I feel very comforted. I would love to be able to play it on my piano. Oh, that's an interesting thing.
Speaker 1:I am not the one with the answers to that but I can leave your email there and maybe they can get back to you because I haven't got a clue. Lisa says please tell Holly thank you for sharing her story and that I identify her in particular to the feelings of anger she shared and her shame towards traumatizing her children as I too had to work through my guilt regarding my child rearing until I knew better. I also want to thank her for the journal tips and getting to know parts as I too can't see mine. And again, thank you for all your share. Keep up the care of the self, capital s.
Speaker 1:Oh, Lisa, thank you. I think all of us that go through that, especially as survivors who have so few resources to start with and try so hard that we do learn so much as we go. But we learn so much because we are trying. And so I appreciated what Holly shared as well and what you have shared along the way. Thank you both Lisa and Holly.
Speaker 1:Helena says, I just wanted to thank you for the beautiful work you do by sharing your journey. I am currently sitting on the floor in my daughter's room, leaning against the wall, tears all over my face, feeling understood and compassionate for myself after listening to one of your podcast episodes. I am learning to understand what's going on inside of me and my life so much better through your sharing. I guess I don't have DID, but definitely some kind of CPTSD. I got some other diagnoses, but I guess that's because the education about trauma is just nearly nonexistent here in Germany.
Speaker 1:Again, thank you so much for putting yourself out there. I find myself so very often in what you're talking about, and I feel less lonely and weird. You're an inspiration. Love to you and your family. Oh, Helena, I'm so I'm so grateful that you are listening all the way in Germany.
Speaker 1:Hello to you. And thank you for writing in and sharing the encouragement that the podcast is meaningful to you. That helps us have the strength to keep doing it because this is really hard and terrifying. So thank you so much for sharing with us. Oh, we got an email from the Chris's just to let you know that they are doing another group coaching process for DID and they are taking applications.
Speaker 1:So if you are interested in finding out more about the Chris's group coaching class, it is what we took a couple of years ago, and they are doing different classes this round. It's pretty interesting. It was very helpful to us in the past. If you want to see more about that, look up liberatedlifecoaching.com/group coaching programs, and you can find out more information about that. Good luck.
Speaker 1:Richard says, hello, Emma. I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I have recently come to the realization at the age of 30 that I have a system within me. Now I realized some of this before, but had no idea how to deal with it. So stuck to my old ways for managing myself while not really exploring my other parts. However, I listened to your podcast with Christine Forner on the cascade of defense, and it stuck me to my core, especially when talking about the basic responses babies resort to when trying to preserve themselves overtaking action.
Speaker 1:This has been my course of action through painful moments in my life. I've had moments where I've not left my bed and even forgo food as lack of movement felt safe. It has been a habit of mine as well to drown out myself in distractions. I am barely in touch with my current system. I'm glad that was helpful.
Speaker 1:Thank you for sharing. Laurie says, hello. You have spoken about being sober. I've been clean for twenty eight years. I was wondering how you think about dissociation affecting you as a person in recovery.
Speaker 1:I got clean when I was 20. I am not in denial about being an addict. I can remember, but it often doesn't feel like it was me. I would be interested to hear some time about your experience with recovery. I know for me, I had to go to tons of meetings in the beginning because I needed to hear lots and lots of times in different ways when I was in different spaces that I don't use.
Speaker 1:I had to hear a lot for it to stick. I really enjoy your podcast, and I've gotten a lot out of it. Thank you. Oh, that's a good idea. We could talk about that some more if you like.
Speaker 1:Our anniversary our sobriety day is coming up, and so that would be a good thing to talk about. Let me think about it and see what we can do. Thank you for sharing. That was a really good question. Lisa, I've listened to restructuring and you have a therapist and she sounds amazing and simply perfect for all.
Speaker 1:Happy dance. I'm so glad. Keep up the good work. I hate that this year has been so difficult. You are a superhero.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you. Some days you just need Lisa in your pocket to tell you these things, and I appreciate that very much. Ash says, when I say this podcast today was amazing, I mean it a %. I, we, have experienced something these past few months that I'm still not sure how to put into words myself, but the way you described it put some words to it. I found myself, capital s, self.
Speaker 1:I haven't known how that fits into all the online conversations and discourses regarding theories. All I know is my own experience, and there's been a major internal shift that I can only describe as finding my capital s self. I was one who wasn't even sure that concept existed outside of theory, but there's this greater sense of unity and purpose, and I'm wanting to be fully present in this life we've created. I also want to work to create a current day life that fits my authentic self now, Where before, I guess I was so caught up in the current that I just went along with whatever happened to me on life. There's a difference be okay.
Speaker 1:What you've just mentioned is the difference between acting, like on the offense acting in your own life or being acted upon. And if all of us have agency which is the ability to make choices and the power to choose what we want our life to be like to some extent, and the power to choose our response to life. So then the capacity to act instead of being acted upon is everything. So we cannot control what happens to us. We cannot control what people do to us.
Speaker 1:We cannot control other people. But we can always control ourselves and what we choose and our responses to other people and our circumstances. So we cannot control other people or what happens to us necessarily and hard things happen and that's a part of life but we always have a choice how we choose to respond to them or choose to respond to our circumstances and that's what you're talking about. It's the difference between acting or being acted upon and we want to act. She says I want to intentionally create my life and know all of my selves.
Speaker 1:It sounds like you've done a lot of shifting internally and I know you mentioned that you made this decision to stay in your life in this life. I'm curious about the changing internal dynamic has affected your marriage, for you as a system as well as for him. I know it's impacted our marriage and we're having to figure out how it all fits. Thank you as always for sharing your experiences and insights. That's a good question.
Speaker 1:We could talk to the husband about it some more and then maybe talk about it specifically on a podcast. But I think we're not quite ready to do that publicly. We need a little more time first, but we can absolutely mark this down and circle back to it when it is more appropriate because I think it's very important what you've shared and what you've asked. Thank you for asking that. Ash also says, That part where you talked about your new therapist and not wasting your pain anymore, I teared up.
Speaker 1:Another byproduct of finding myself. Emotions. But seriously, that one line really hit me. I really wish you all the best with this new therapist as you enter this new phase of therapy. Thank you so much, Ash.
Speaker 1:Tiffany says, thank you for your podcast. I am a therapist and treat a few clients who have DID. Your podcast has been so helpful to them, their families, and to me. Last March, you mentioned an app that you were using to help different parts communicate with one another. I have been unable to find the name of this app.
Speaker 1:Would you be so kind as to share the name of it with me? I would like to see if it would be helpful to a few of the people I work with. Thank you so so much. I think it's called Sarith. We'll look it up and email you.
Speaker 1:Crystal said, Thank you so much for your honesty. Your struggle, process, and healing give so much hope. We relate so much to your journey and it helps us to know we aren't alone. Sometimes the darkest moment really does come before the dawn. When people get to the edge where the pain, trauma, and life circumstances outweigh coping skills and resources, many fall off.
Speaker 1:But if you can get through and stay alive, even if that means hospitalization or cutting hours at work or having people stay at your house, it can be the start of a breakthrough. Crystals, that was just profound and poetic altogether. Thank you for the encouragement, and I mean that sincerely. Celeste says, thank you so much for being real. Not many people are brave enough to share so vulnerably and authentically.
Speaker 1:We hope that you can always take care of yourselves and your family first. Know that as Holly said, if you never make another everyone's needs are met and people aren't shot up or locked away. I'm so glad you're doing what's best for you and embracing the changes in yourself and selves. That's a lot to think about, Celeste, and I appreciate the wisdom in what you're sharing and gives me more to reflect on. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Haley says, I've recently discovered your podcast, but I've started from the beginning, and I've been listening every day. I am an LCSWA and practicing therapy. As a therapist, my heart gets so warm hearing about all the progress you're making. Even outside of your therapy journey, person. I feel like we could be good friends.
Speaker 1:I hesitate to email you because I'm sure you get inundated with fan mail. I have been practicing for a little over a year and I was wondering if Doctor. E or any of you, you've all been to therapy, had any advice as to how to be a better therapist. I know that's incredibly general. I feel the imposter syndrome heavily and I feel like I often rely on my relationship skills in therapy to build trust, but I want to do so much more.
Speaker 1:I'm doing my best to dive into theories, and I've either ordered or put in my Amazon cart every book you've mentioned on this podcast. Do you have any tips or tidbits to help me help others? Well, I think that would be its whole own episode so maybe let me talk about it later. But the first thing that you could do as a clinician honestly would be to join ISSTD and take their classes because the classes are amazing and that is absolutely where you could get more training specific for DID. So the other things about personal experiences and little things of what you could do in therapy like, oh random, wouldn't it be cool if the ISSTD had like a culture class and we taught like DID survivor culture experiences like cultural competency kind of thing?
Speaker 1:Okay. I'm going way off task. Anyway, ISSTD has classes you can take. And then as far as other feedback about what makes the best therapist, I think that we could talk about that in a separate episode all on its own for ages. So let me come back to your question.
Speaker 1:But as far as the media answer, join ISSTD and take their classes. It's worth it. I promise. She says, lastly, thank you for what you do both on the podcast and off. The podcast is so important and has brought me more language to use in sessions with clients as well as other lessons and messages I have adopted in my own life.
Speaker 1:The gentleness, patience, and overflowing kindness you show to your children, well, most days, I'm just saying. We're trying. We're trying. Show to your children and husband are so inspiring to me. I've always wanted to foster children with disabilities and worked with that community.
Speaker 1:I know being a mother of six kids with diverse abilities cannot be easy, and I know you won't believe me when I say this, but you do it with such grace. You are all amazing, and I hope you know that. Yeah. I totally don't believe you. No, that's okay.
Speaker 1:I don't want to minimize what you said because your words are sacred and I appreciate them. Thank you for sending them truly. I think that sometimes it's very difficult to take in words of truth, again sort of what we were talking about earlier when in the past those kinds of words have been manipulative or dangerous and so to receive authentic care can be very very difficult and even triggering not because anyone did anything wrong, your email is very lovely for example, but it can be hard especially during the pandemic when you're out of touch with people, out of physical space with people, only having access to them online or not at all even because of distance or technology. It's hard to remember what is true and what is right and what is good and what is safe and hard to stay oriented to words like these that offer such courage and hope and care. And I've thought about this a lot over the last year and I think one reason it's so difficult to receive is because to receive it means also to acknowledge what you're getting care for and the layers of hurt and pain and woundedness that are so very deep steam when you have to tend to them and it is a big risk to put them out there to be tended to.
Speaker 1:And so when you have tried so hard for so many years to find who is safe enough to hold some pieces even if there's no one who can hold all the pieces because really it's ourselves we are supposed to hold all the pieces but that doesn't mean we have to hold them alone and so when you find someone who you think can hold the pieces without spilling them, without spilling me, it's a scary thing to let that happen, to understand that that's what's happening and not that it's just something that's going to hurt you or backfire or fall apart or be taken away or used against you in some way. And so while I tease about not believing you when you write these kinds of words, It's funny because it's true, but also because they are true. It makes them real. And that's a scary thing even though it's a good thing. And it's hard to let that soak in.
Speaker 1:Thanks for writing.
Speaker 2:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeak.com. We'll see you there.