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Zachary is back with Stephen today to discuss the importance of paying attention to our words when referencing our mentees. The practical steps they discuss today are focusing on the future, not the past; highlighting them; and looking for the better way to say things so that it honors them.
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Speaker 2:As mentors, there are few things more important than our words. The words we speak over our boys and girls and the labels that we have a tendency to place on them. So today's episode is all about labels. If you enjoy today's episode or it brings your organization value, we'd love to hear about it. Leave us a review, rate the podcast and share the episode with someone you think would benefit from the content.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening.
Speaker 3:Hello. Welcome, podcast listeners, to the You Can Mentor podcast. This is your favorite male host, not named Steven, Zachary Garza.
Speaker 2:I'm I'm glad you clarified that. Not named Steven. Yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Yeah. Because everyone likes you more. We know it. It's not it's not a secret.
Speaker 3:You're the lovable guy. I'm the guy who everyone's scared of.
Speaker 2:Good cop, bad cop.
Speaker 3:Yep. Alright. Today, we're here, and we're gonna talk about something that is near and dear to my heart because I think there is so much power in words. And those words that we're talking about today is specifically being careful about labeling kids and the labels that you put on kids. Now this is coming from a heart of all of us want to honor our mentees.
Speaker 3:All of us want to be the best mentors that we can, but sometimes we just I guess I shouldn't say we. Sometimes I just don't think a lot about the words that come out of my mouth. And in my case, unfortunately, I can label a kid really without even knowing it. And so the point of this podcast is to help us as mentors understand that there's a better way to use your words in regards to how you talk about your mentee.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well and I would say that if you were to label me, I'd be much it it'd be easier for me to differentiate between the truth and the lie. But for a child, if you were to tell him who he is, he's more likely to take it on as an identity. Yeah. And so that that's why this is so important.
Speaker 2:So, Zach, tell us a story about labeling in in your own life.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So the first story that comes to mind whenever I think of labeling or receiving a label is there was this guy who was involved with our nonprofit, and he I mean, he's a great guy, has an awesome heart. It's for me. It's for us. And early on, he he wanted to share the news about what we were doing and specifically about me.
Speaker 3:And so he would invite me to go out with him over to his work or out to networking events and things like that. And every time that he would introduce me, he would kinda share my story. Now keep in mind that this guy had the best of intentions, had a great heart, but he would always say something like this. Hey, guys. I would I wanna introduce you guys to Zach.
Speaker 3:He's a fatherless kid who who's a coach, and he comes from a really hard background. His parents were split up, and, man, he just made some really poor choices, but the Lord has turned his life around. And now he's he's a coach, and he's started this nonprofit, and he's and and he's doing some awesome things to help out our community. And that was always how he introduced me. And while all of those things are true, whenever he said that, I couldn't help but feel shame, and I couldn't help but feel like I was less than.
Speaker 3:And and I I fear that I have done that whenever I introduce some kids that we mentor. I kinda share about their story whenever their story isn't really mine to share. Mhmm. And I think that that, although we don't mean it mean it to be harmful, I think it can be harmful, and it can devalue and lower the self esteem of the person that you're talking about.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's not it's not very honoring
Speaker 3:Yeah. I know.
Speaker 2:When you're introducing some hey. Hey. This guy's really jacked up, but god turned his life around, and you should you should listen to him.
Speaker 3:Most most definitely. And I think one thing that is fascinating is we don't ever share the worst parts of someone's story Mhmm. Whenever we introduce them. Like, hey. Here's Steven.
Speaker 3:Whenever Steven was in 8th grade, you know, da da da da.
Speaker 2:He murdered somebody.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Right? Like, we just don't do that. But for some reason, we think it's okay to kinda share the worst parts about the story of the kid that we're mentoring. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And I know why I do that is to kinda celebrate them and be like, man, this is where he was, but check out where he is now and check out what the Lord has done in his life. And while all those things are true, I just think that there's a better way to do it. And I think that as much as we possibly can, that's their story to tell, not ours.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's a really good principle. Just it's their story. Don't don't take it for your own to put their junk out there or allow allow their redemptive history to be something that you're revealing. Allow allow them to do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. That's really good. So on today's podcast, we're gonna talk about 3 things we want you to take away as you think about being careful about labeling kids. And so point number 1, Zach, take it away.
Speaker 3:Point number 1 is focus on their future, not their past. So we wanna speak life over their future, and we wanna talk about not not where they've been, but where they are going. Because when you focus on the future, you can kind of prophesy over them. You can insert dreams and hopes into them. You can put an idea into their head and into the head of the person that you're talking to of what they can become or what they can accomplish.
Speaker 3:Right? So instead of saying, like, hey, here's Zach. He's a fatherless kid who has experienced, you know, abuse and this and that. You can say, hey. Here's Zach.
Speaker 3:I see him changing the world whenever he's an adult. He's gonna be a godly husband, a godly father, and a godly leader who changes the world, who makes an impact, and who people are going to look at and say, man, I'm so glad he's a part of my life. Yeah. Right? So you're basically saying the same thing more or less, but just one's focused on the future and one's focused on the past.
Speaker 3:So point number 1 is focus on where they're going, not where they've been. So, like, here's a great example. We had Steve Allen on our podcast. Right? And every time you talk to Steve, what's the one thing that he calls you?
Speaker 3:Man of God. Says man of God. Man of God. Man of God. Man of God.
Speaker 3:Right? And so it's like whenever you speak words over someone, you're speaking an identity over them. Right? So if I call a kid, hey. You're a fatherless kid.
Speaker 3:Right? You're a poor kid. You're you don't make good grades. Right? Like, you're kinda putting something over them that isn't a positive thing, that isn't describing who you want them to become.
Speaker 3:Whereas with Steve, every time that he talks to me, he says, man of god. And there's been sometimes whenever I've been in a really bad place, and I hear him say, man of god, and in our conversation, he says it over and over and over and over. And after I get done speaking with them, I feel so much better because I'm not focused on what I've done. I'm not focused on what has happened to me, but I'm focused on hope and the future and the fact that the Lord can take anything and turn it into something good.
Speaker 2:I would say that that a kid defines himself based off of the past.
Speaker 3:Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 2:And and so as a mentor, this concept of helping them define themselves by a future hope, a future, vision, a future identity that you're calling them up into, I think that that's extremely powerful. And a kid's not going to do that on his own. That future has to be spoken to him, has to be shown to him, has to be drilled in. And and so I I can think of my own experience that in in school, I was defined by being the jokester, the kid who always acted out and tried to get a laugh. And it wasn't until people actually spoke into, hey.
Speaker 2:I really I feel like you're you're really good with relationships. Like, you really connect with people from different groups. And I think you're like a connector that I started to recognize, like, my gifting was was different from what I thought it was. I thought it was just funny, but actually my gifting was relational connectedness. And and it it's a subtle change, but I feel I feel like once that was spoken into me, it really allowed me to come into that, to grow into it rather than just pointing back to this immaturity of I just need to make people laugh.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And Well and the words of a mentor, the intentional words. Right? Because when you're speaking about a child's future, you do have to be intentional about that. Yeah. The intentional words of a mentor can open up doors, can open up new possibilities, can help change identities.
Speaker 3:Yes. It's a subtle shift, but it makes a tremendous difference. Right? Because your mentee might be saying, I never thought I could do that, or I don't think that's a possibility. But if my mentor says it is Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And if he keeps speaking it over over me time and time again, then maybe it is. And it plants that seed, and that seed might turn into a tremendous oak tree one day. So just your words, you're prophesying over them, what the Lord sees in them. Right, you never know which seed is going to completely transform their life.
Speaker 2:There was a kid last night at our mentoring activity who was helping me put the trash up, and he was doing it with a great attitude, and I just I I told him, I was like, I think you're gonna work at Chick Fil A when you get into high school. And he, like, looked at me and he was like, really? And the other kids that were around were like, what about me? Like Yeah. And I mean, that's a that's a funny thing to say to a kid.
Speaker 2:Like, I think you're gonna work at a fast food restaurant. But Chick Fil A, I feel like, has this this reputation of, like, it's not a fast food restaurant. That is that is, like, the premier place for a high school student to work. I don't know what you would say.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, I don't know where you're going with that, but
Speaker 2:it's good. I was labeling his potential as great.
Speaker 3:Here's a better story. Alright. So there is this kid who I spent time with whenever he was in junior high and whenever he was in high school. And now he's a senior senior in college, and he wants to become a teacher. And I asked him one time and said, hey, man, tell me why you want to become a teacher.
Speaker 3:And he said, because one time in high school, I was talking about going to college. And you said, I think that you would make a good teacher.
Speaker 2:And
Speaker 3:I don't remember that. Right? But that was just an off the cuff, like, hey, I see this in you, and this is what I think you can become. And he grabbed that and he ran with it. And so, like, you never know.
Speaker 3:Unintentional or intentional. When you speak words of positivity, when you speak about the future of your mentee and what you think they can become and what you see in them. And honestly, you're just conveying what the Lord sees in them. You never know the impact that that can make. It can literally transform generations.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So focus on the future and not the past.
Speaker 2:It's awesome. Alright. Number 2, highlight them. Zach, talk to us.
Speaker 3:Right. So for a guy like me might have an issue with being self focused, might have a little bit of issue of pride. Sometimes it's easy to to talk about me as a mentor instead of the kid as a mentee. Right? And so one thing that has helped me is being intentional whenever I introduce my mentee to someone, to an adult.
Speaker 3:Right? I highlight his best characteristics. Oh, man. Here's here's Zamari. Right?
Speaker 3:Zamari loves kids. Every time he spends time with my kid, my kid feels like he's the most important person out there. He's a servant. He's a leader on the football team. His teachers love him.
Speaker 3:Every single adult that has ever met him loves him. He's an outstanding son. He is he is kind to his mom. He helps out around the house. He has a job.
Speaker 3:He's on his way to college. He. Right. And just on and on and on and on and on. Right.
Speaker 3:Because like I said. Earlier, these words of affirmation, they help give your mentee self value and self confidence, especially when you focus in on their character. So instead of saying, hey, here's some more he scored 6 touchdowns, which that's a good thing. But a better thing is, man, here's Amari. He is faithful when it comes to working hard to improve himself or he is kind to children or he is he includes all of his friends.
Speaker 3:Right? Whenever you're talking about the heart, the character that can go a long way. It's almost like if my mentor thinks this about me, then maybe it's true. I also think that one thing that this can do is it helps a mentee receive praise and receive honor and see themselves in a positive light for myself and some of these kids. Sometimes we have a hard time receiving praise, right?
Speaker 3:Hey, man, here's so and so. He is such an addition to our team. No. It's not me. I'm just doing my job.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Right? Or, oh, no. That's just because and they kind of don't receive what it is that you're speaking over them, and they're trying to reject that.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And so there's been times whenever I've been with kids, like, man, this kid is a fantastic young man. And they give an excuse. And I just say, hey, man, just receive it. You are. Right?
Speaker 3:And so whenever you highlight a kid, you're helping them receive praise, you're helping them see themselves in a new light, and you're helping give them self value, self confidence through affirmation.
Speaker 2:I I think this is a good point because it's not just what we say to the kid, it's what we say to other people. Right. And so if I think highly of the kid I'm mentoring, and that's what other people are hearing, not only am I changing everyone's perspective of the kid I'm mentoring? But he's receiving a a new identity and recognizing that people think highly of him. Right.
Speaker 2:And I I do like your your kind of, your point on we we all want to hedge, like, oh, you know, it's just the lord, like or not taking credit, receiving, like, praise, receiving that. When people think highly of you, that lifts you up. And I think every kid is looking for someone to notice, someone to see something in them that's not just their faults, not just their shortcomings. But for someone to call that out is huge.
Speaker 3:Well and not just to focus on their shortcomings, not just to focus on the hard things that have gone through that they have gone through in life, and then also not to just focus in on their actions. Right. Like for so many of our kids, the only time that they hear praise is when they do something well, right, is when they make straight A's or when they do awesome at sports. Right. But this is a way to highlight their heart and their character and to help them see that they have value, even when, quote unquote, they're not really doing anything.
Speaker 3:And that shows that we love them for who they are, not for what they do. And for our kids, some of them don't have a lot of people who are speaking this over. For some people, they might have parents who have the opportunity to be engaged or they just don't have a ton of positive adults surrounding them. And this is a way for 1 for them to receive praise,
Speaker 2:but
Speaker 3:it's also a way for them to get used to praise and for them to know that they belong in any room that they walk into and for them to have the self confidence to talk to anyone regardless of their title, their age or how much money they make. Right. So it's also really hard to focus in on the bad things whenever you are focused in on highlighting them. Yeah. So that's number 2.
Speaker 3:Highlight them. Focus on the best.
Speaker 2:The encouragements that I've received that have been most impactful are the the ones where people see things that I don't think anybody sees. And so, like, what you're saying is if when I talk about Samari, all I talk about are his touchdowns. Everyone sees the touchdowns. But if I communicate the things that no one else sees, that's gonna lift him up
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And encourage him more and highlight those things that I mean, it's it's it's essentially that's what God does. God sees the heart. God sees the internal the thing that no one else sees, and he rewards those things. And I I think for for us when it comes to highlighting, how can we highlight the things no one has seen? Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Which this always blows my mind. Right? King David did a lot of boneheaded things. Right? But what does God call him?
Speaker 3:Man after my own heart. I mean, he could call him murderer. He could call him adulterer, but what does he call him?
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Man after God's own heart. And that's what I wanna have the vision to see in regards to my mentee.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's really good.
Speaker 3:The last thing, Steven, called out.
Speaker 2:There's a better way to say things.
Speaker 3:Right. For us as mentors. I want us to be really intentional about focusing in on the words that are coming out of our mouths and to focus in on. Are these the most encouraging words that I can be saying to my kid right now? Is this the best way to say it?
Speaker 3:Is there a better way? We want to share the best parts about a person, not the worst parts. Whenever someone introduces you, it's really important that we as mentors, as positive adults who want the best for these kids, share what they can become and share the best parts about who they are, because that can do a number of things not only to them, but to you and the person that you're talking to. And so I kind of gave this example earlier about this guy who kind of introduced me how he did. Right.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. And so I know one thing that we teach our mentors is instead of saying something like, Hey, I mentor this fatherless kid who lives in a terrible apartment. His mom doesn't seem to care, and he has a deadbeat dad. Right? Like, while all that might be true, right?
Speaker 3:That's probably not the best way to say it. There's a better way. Instead, you can say something like, I mentor a young man who doesn't live with his father. He lives in a less than ideal environment, and he doesn't seem to have much supervision. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like his father is involved that much.
Speaker 3:You're basically saying the same thing. Okay. But you're saying it in a way that is as honoring as possible. And you're being intentional about the words that are coming out of your mouth. Right?
Speaker 3:I know for us and for our nonprofit, the kids that we serve, every young man that we serve doesn't have a father figure in his life. And for a long time, we called those kids fatherless. But now we don't use that word anymore. Instead, we say absent father or comes from a home where there isn't a father figure present. And why we did that is because I sat down with a mom one time who was taking her kid out of our program.
Speaker 3:And I just was talking to her, and I said, hey, tell me why you are taking your son out of our program. And she said, well, it's simple, Zach. At school, the kids tease my son because he's a part of the fatherless program.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And I was just like, yeah. Golly. Like, I guess that that's true. But we don't wanna focus in on the things that have happened to them. We don't wanna focus in on the past as an organization.
Speaker 3:We don't want our kids' identity to be the fatherless kid. But instead, we want our kids' identity to be the man of God. And, like, yes, it's true that the kids in our program, they don't have a father figure in their lives for the most part. But we wanna focus on on what they're becoming, on what God has for them. And that's why we call all of our kids man of God.
Speaker 3:Right? So, yes, it is just being intentional about saying things in the best possible way so that the people that you're talking about receive honor instead of shame.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's a good challenge to to consider. And, I mean, it's it's more than just being politically correct, because I I feel like that's where this leans to. It's, like, just trying not to offend people and saying saying things in mysterious ways, but more more of just asking the question, is this honoring? Is what I'm about to say, if anyone heard it, would they be encouraged, or would someone feel like something's off?
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And and I think that's a good just approach in general. When you talk, will people be honored by what you're saying? Mhmm. That's a good principle, especially when it comes to relationships.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So here are some examples, right, that we that we try to use in our program. Instead of saying a kid is poor, we try to say low income. Right? Or we try to say, disadvantaged or it doesn't have as many opportunities.
Speaker 3:One of my favorite terms is to say, this kid's been dealt a hard hand in life. Right. Instead of saying fatherless, we say absent father or kid who comes from a home where there isn't a father figure present. And then you can jump into the whole like whenever you're trying to describe a kid's race. Right?
Speaker 3:Like, depending on who you mentor, you just have to be careful about that. So maybe ask them, hey, this might sound weird, but whenever I describe your race, tell me how I should address you. I also just say, for the most part, people don't really need to know people's race because it's really not that big deal. I mean, it's a big deal, but does it apply to this conversation? Yeah.
Speaker 2:What are we what are we signaling Yeah. Like when we're pointing one of these things out?
Speaker 3:Right. Whenever people say, man, he's a bad kid or he's a tough kid. He's experienced hardships or he's experienced trauma or he's gone through some some tough circumstances in life. That's why we say we mentor kids from hard places. Whenever we say, man, he goes to this bad school.
Speaker 3:Instead, we say, you know, Title 1 school or school that doesn't have as many opportunities as some other schools. Right? And then just in general, you probably should never use the words like punk or like thug. It's just like those don't have the best connotations. Right?
Speaker 3:And so I know with me, whenever I'm trying to figure out what the best words to say, one of my favorite things to do is say, is this how I would describe the kid to Jesus?
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Right? And so like Steven said, this isn't about, you know, being PC. It's about honor. And the Lord loves honor. And we want to set our kids up for the best situation possible.
Speaker 3:And we want to speak life over them. And we want to help them see themselves how we see them and how the Lord sees them. And our words truly can open up doors, create new opportunities, and rewire this kid's brain to where when he looks in the mirror, he sees a kid of value, who is confident and who can achieve anything. He truly is a man of God, a world changer and a history maker. And he won't believe that unless we first tell him that over and over and over.
Speaker 2:Come on.
Speaker 3:Words matter.
Speaker 2:All
Speaker 3:right. So mentors, be careful about those words that you speak over our kids. Focus on the future, not the past. Highlight them and the great things that they've done and that the Lord's done and will do and is doing through them. And then think about is there a better way to say things?
Speaker 3:Ask yourself that question in humility and always be trying to be as much like Jesus as possible.
Speaker 2:Come on. Speaking of Jesus, just as a a tag on to that, because I I think it's compelling to think about Jesus' ministry when it comes to labels. The entire gospel accounts are all about labels that have been put on people and how Jesus relates with people and connects with them. And Jesus never walks in a room and is like, oh, look at this prostitute that I love, and all of you, like, this is what you see, but this is what I see. And he's always going toward the labeled person and removing the label and replacing it with love and honoring those who've been labeled.
Speaker 2:And I I just think that we all know that kids from hard places have been labeled. How are we removing the labels? How are we loving like Jesus? I I think that's a really powerful powerful way to mentor. Thanks for listening to the You Can Mentor podcast.
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