Can the internet replace a parent?

Many of today’s kids are being raised by the internet and its apps and algorithms are taking on parent-like roles. Here's how the internet is replacing our connections with companions and caregivers.

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Jake Ernst

What is Just Trying To Help?

I’m Jake Ernst and I’m a therapist. Life's already hard enough. Managing the stress of modern life shouldn't be.

Lately I’ve been talking about how access to mobile internet, excessive screen use, and the apps and algorithms we use every day are reshaping how we connect. This week, I’m talking about what happens when the technology we love doesn’t have the capacity to love us back. In other words, I want to dive deeper into the relationships we’re building with technology and how I think we’re giving as much to them as we are to our companions and caregivers— or, in some cases, maybe even more.

Last week, I mentioned how I think the internet is raising today’s kids. As a therapist, I think this is one of the significant costs of letting kids roam free online. When we give kids in middle school unfettered access to the internet with little to no supervision, I do think it comes at a significant cost to parenting and family life. For many young people, the norms and values of family life are being replaced by the norms and values of the internet.

There’s no modern parenting roadmap

This is changing how parents are raising their kids; they now have to factor in the social and mental health impacts of not giving their kids a phone or not letting their kids online at all. While this undoubtedly has impacts on parents, families, and kids, I actually think this has implications for all of us. Excessive and near-constant screen use impacts all of us by making us more stressed and, in many ways, more unable to resolve that stress.

Today I want to tease apart this topic a bit more and talk about the key factors that contribute to a rise in stress around this issue, and it may not be exactly what you think. This isn’t just about how much time we spend on our phone or what dangerous content lurks in the shadows online. The roots go a lot deeper than that, which I will explore further in a moment. First, I wanted to share an interesting insight I came across recently that might shed some light on this issue.

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Is Gen Z aging faster than previous generations?

Some members of Gen Z believe they are aging faster than other generations— some people say it’s the intense skincare regimens being popularized online, some are citing the pressure to be youthful and filter-esque, and some are saying it’s the high levels of stress this generation has experienced. The jury is still out on whether they actually are aging more rapidly, and I guess more research and time will tell, but whatever the case, we shouldn’t overlook that this is largely a conversation about the stresses and pressures of growing up online and the impact this has on the people who use the internet a lot. It is hard to overlook these concerns when we look at the mental health data; Gen Z are reportedly more stressed than previous generations.

Whether their levels of stress are justified or not (this isn’t that conversation), I think this is a good jumping-off-point to talk about how exactly being online way too much contributes to higher levels of stress and has the concerning ability to replace companions and caregivers. When life is really stressful, humans will go to great lengths to soothe that stress, even if it means isolating ourselves or becoming less reliant on other people to help us feel good.

So… what does being online too much do to us? This is one of the questions I get often as people frequently assume that this is just about eye strain, blue light, or exposure to dangerous content or people on the internet. While those themes are part of the conversation, I don’t think that’s the whole conversation.

The factors that matter most

In my view, there are eight key factors that are influencing how we connect with each other and how the internet is replacing companions— like friends and romantic partners— and caregivers— like parents, teachers, and mentors. While the following principles apply to people of all ages, I think young people are most significantly impacted by them due to their age and stage of development. They just don’t have the same brains that adults do.

Here are the eight factors that change how we connect with each other and influence how the internet takes on companionship and caregiving roles:

Access to Mobile Internet:

Dependence on our smartphones and widespread access to mobile internet have significantly changed how we all connect with one other. It all starts here. Access to anywhere/anytime internet may have sparked a decline in meaningful face-to-face connections.

Addictive Apps and Algorithms:

We’ve become reliant on apps and algorithms to make our lives easier and more efficient. They are powerful enough to change our thoughts, influence our moods, and even change our behaviour. The goals of these apps and algorithms is to make our experience with them as mentally and emotionally frictionless as possible to decrease the chance that we will stop using them. Algorithms are now powerful enough to make choices on our behalf, limiting the control we need to exert when we use them.

Constant Exposure to Stressful Themes:

It goes without saying that exposure to stressful scenes and themes online affects how we think and feel. When we’re online often, our brains become primed to anticipate frequent stressors and threats, which makes us more hypervigilant and decreases our attention spans. Like a poison slot machine, our brain has no way of knowing when the algorithm will serve up stressful content. Our brain becomes primed to anticipate future threats.

Excessive Passive Screen Use:

Passive screen use is when we are allowing algorithms to determine our actions on an app. Many of the apps we rely on want the experience to be as simple and as stress-free as possible which means their algorithms need to be powerful enough to capture our attention and reduce friction and choice, so that we spend as much time on their apps as possible. Time spent on their apps is typically time lost with others, which means excessive solo use comes at the cost of real connection.

Little-To-No Supervision, Curfew, or Stop Cues:

Without supervision, oversight, a digital curfew, or a cue to stop, we are left to our own devices, both literally and figuratively. Without any guardrails, we are lost in cyberspace. Without any curfew or stopping cues, we are caught in an endless loop of chasing dopamine and are forced to monitor or supervise ourselves. The internet becomes our parent and replaces the mature figure who helps us make healthy choices.

The Increase in Digital Overload:

Put simply, being exposed to an overwhelming amount of information and emotionally draining content leads to heightened stress, fear, anger, and exasperation without the time or capacity to process and make sense of the information over time. Driving past a car accident is one thing, right? Our brain knows how to handle the thoughts and feelings that come with that experience. But being exposed to nearly 1,000 car accidents would be a lot of stressful social information for our brains to process and make sense of. The result is overload.

Difficulties With Self-Regulation:

For people of all ages, the ones most impacted by excessive screen use are those who have difficulties with self-regulation. In other words, those who struggle to manage their negative thoughts, soothe distressing emotions, or modulate their behavioural impulses. Instead of seeking companionship and support from those around them, some may retreat further into the digital world, exacerbating their own feelings of dysregulation.

Frequently In Stress-Threat Mode:

The above seven factors set the stage and prime the pump for a stress-threat reaction that is both over-active and under-resourced. We are caught in a constant stress loop that is rewarding enough to keep us hooked and punishing enough to leave us feeling empty, depleted, and unavailable for our real life relationships.

My final thoughts…

I think near-constant exposure to addictive apps, algorithms, internet norms, and stressful themes, without taking a pause to self-regulate and consolidate that information over time, has a significant impact on our stress-threat response. The technology we use every day are powerful enough to override our instincts by hacking our stress and emotion regulation system, leaving us in a constant stress loop without the skills to hop off of it.

I think this also means that they are powerful enough to influence our choices and preferences for who we rely on (or what we rely on) to help us feel good. Unfortunately, this is all at the expense of meaningful relationships with our companions and caregivers.

Sadly, the conversation around social media these days seems to be a lot of doom and gloom. I do want to reinforce my position, which I’ve said in other places, that I think social media and the internet have so much potential. I believe strongly in our human abilities to connect, to share resources, to choose kindness, and to contribute to the wellbeing of others.

I think we’re going to figure this out. I’m confident in that. I think we’re going to be okay.

I appreciate your continued comments and your feedback as I sort through my hypotheses about social media and how it’s changing how we all relate. I’ve had to take some time away as you know, so I can see it objectively from the outside.

Thanks for being here. I hope you are safe and well.

See you soon,

Jake