Single after a tough separation or divorce with Zeta Cosman

What happens when you suddenly become a single parent in tough circumstances? Today we talk to Zeta Cosman -- a newly-single parent putting her life back together after a tough breakup.

Zeta’s an incredible go-getter and a powerful example of dealing with challenges head-on. A lot of us can learn from her story, whether we’re new single parents or long-divorced. 

We also loved how Zeta realized what sort of parent she wanted to become, and consciously worked to change her habits and become a better parent. She’s now a certified parenting coach and helps others who want to stop yelling and start enjoying a healthier relationship with their kids. 

Listen for:

• Healing through counseling, parent coaching, and networking events, gaining insight into your own patterns. 
• The challenges of being a single mother with most of the parenting responsibilities after a difficult divorce. 7:54
• Realizing a relationship is toxic, both emotionally and financially.
• Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care in relationships.
• Dealing with addiction in an ex.
• Co-parenting challenges.
• Dealing with grief after ending a major relationship (or divorce).
• Developing your support system during difficult times.
• Parenting strategies Zeta teaches. 17:44
• Nervous system awareness. 30:00
• The importance of getting past shame and asking for help in parenting. 35:43
• The example we set for our kids when working through difficult issues.
• Prioritizing self-care and work-life balance as a solo parent. 46:51
  
  

Listen in and let us know what you think.

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Creators & Guests

Host

Carmel Ecker

Co-host of Single & Mighty

Host

Lindsay Carlson

Co-host of Single & Mighty

What is Single & Mighty: Build a great life after divorce or separation?

You can build a powerful (and fun!) life after divorce or separation. Hosts Carmel Ecker and Lindsay Carlson are here to bring you real-life stories and hard-earned lessons, so you can have the motivation, clarity and community you need to thrive as a single parent. Whether you're co-parenting, parenting alone, or your kids no longer live at home -- this show is for you.

For single moms, single dads, single parents, co-parents, solo parents, and those who care about them. Join us to hear about entrepreneurship, financial independence, dating, remarriage and step-parenting, blended families, going back to school, growing your career, co-parenting schedules, leaving domestic abuse, finding adult friends, solo travel, creating fun in your life, and more.

Carmel Ecker 0:00
Welcome to single and mighty. I'm Carmel Ekor.

Lindsay Carlson 0:03
And I'm Lindsay Carlson. We're both single parents with over a decade of experience, we've realized that there are lots of negative stereotypes for single parents out there. And it can leave you feeling like single parenting is a pretty hopeless road.

Carmel Ecker 0:19
Our antidote to that is sharing real stories of single parents who are creating amazing lives for themselves and their children.

Lindsay Carlson 0:28
If you find this show helpful, please leave us a review. So other single parents can find us it makes a big difference.

Carmel Ecker 0:35
And you can support the show by buying us a coffee at buy me a coffee.com/single and mighty

Lindsay Carlson 0:50
Welcome to single and mighty today, we're talking to Zita Cosman, a single parent who's only been a single parent for a few months after discovering that her husband really wasn't living the life that they had talked about, and was doing things that put her and her family in a tough position, she decided to be a parent on her own. Her story is exciting, because she's still going through some of the difficult times of separation and willing to talk about it. And as a coach, she's a parenting coach during the day, she brings a lot of insight to the process that she's going through, as well as the parenting that she's had to do to get through this, this tricky time. So I hope you'll enjoy it. And welcome to Zita Cosman.

Zeta Cosman 1:36
And I am excited to be here, even though like I said, That's terrifying.

Carmel Ecker 1:42
Yes, this is this is Ito's first ever podcast as a guest, it's awesome. We're so excited to be here with us for this.

Lindsay Carlson 1:50
Can you tell us just sort of an overview what you're a single parent story is.

Zeta Cosman 1:56
So I I am a very independent person. Super independent 18 I left Newfoundland and moved to Alberta would throw myself into whatever job came my way. Just to you know what I mean? Like I was one of those people that was like, Oh, you want me to work? 24 days, I'll do it. You want to train me on something, just do it. I just want to do it. So at 21 I bought my very first brand new car. And then I had a breakup with someone that I worked with. So I had this like, how do I really like get back at you? I bought my own house at 23. So I'm like one of those people that if you tell me I can't do something, I'm going to do it. Because

Lindsay Carlson 2:38
you bought your own house. So let's just slow that down. You bought your own house and 23 would just to show someone that you could do it in Fort McMurray, which is like a really volatile real estate market.

Speaker 1 2:49
Well, at the time, it was at the top. So it was it was it was it's a hard lesson to learn now because I'm still in the house. But of course I'm, I'm in a deficit, let's be honest. But it's also been it's where I had my children and everything actually just worked out beautifully. I'm a huge believer in the universe. So I have many stories. We could have like 20 podcast episodes with stories. Okay, so about my house at 23. Looking back, I know I was a workaholic. Right? Anyways, fast forward to 2007, I met my now ex husband. And let's just say that after two weeks and a few dates, we played a drinking game. And I at the time knew he wasn't ready to settle down. So afterward, like you know, things just kind of fizzled, and I just kind of stepped away. And a few weeks later, I was having some symptoms. And I went to get a test just to rule things out. And I had to send him a picture and say, Hey, I'm going to do this with or without you. But I'm making you aware that this is you know, you've created something. So, because nothing bad had happened to us, like between us. We got together we chatted and we were like, Let's see where it goes. Right. And we've always joked about how it seemed like it was it felt like it was orchestrated by the universe because it was like, we had done this thing where we we split apart and the universe was like you dummies, get back together. Idiots come on over it like so we've always kind of joked about that. So there's been many ups and downs, cross country moves, we moved to New Brunswick, and then back there's been career changes on both parts. I became a massage therapist when I actually used to work on site and stuff like that. So there was there's been a lot going on. And throughout the relationship, there was some substance abuse issues. But again, we were in our patterns, things would get good for a little bit. You know, you know how it works, right? Things get good for a little bit so you forget about it. You have so many other things on your plate that you just kind of put a lot of stuff on the backburner. because you, you know, you gotta you gotta make it through, you're in survival mode most of the time. And then I had my last baby. And I was thrown into the depths of postpartum, like. So it was kind of I guess what you could call it come to Jesus moment of where you go. Right?

Carmel Ecker 5:19
Was that a surprise for you the postpartum? Because I'm guessing you didn't experience that so much with the first two.

Zeta Cosman 5:28
With my first two, I had other people, I had more support around. So with my third one, I had no choice it was I don't even know if I'd consider it postpartum or if I had it with all of them. But because this summit didn't have support, right, do you know what I mean? Like the other times I was able to, to, to function and be able to move through it and say, like, hey, I need I need help or whatever. But the last time I did, there was nobody here. Right? So it was like hard. Yeah, so it was a lot harder. So I just, it sideswiped me completely. I was a, I was, I was raging. I was raging at my kids. And I was like, Okay, no, I refuse to live like this. I absolutely flat out refuse. So I reached out to friends on Facebook, I was like, Hey, I'm like I'm struggling. I wholeheartedly was just like, hello, somebody helped because I am struggling. So I had friends show up for a while there to take to really like showed up for me, like it was it was amazing. But I did counseling, I did all those things. And that's, that was actually how I stumbled into parent coaching. Because I was starting to I was starting on like a deeper healing journey. I feel like ever since I started, like, my first child has been nothing but self development and everything that I did anyway. But this was like, almost like that moment where things just really broke open. And I was pushing myself outside of my comfort zone, I was going to networking events by myself, I was like, I'm just gonna go, Okay, I have no one to sit with, I have no one to sit with. Right, so I was just pushing myself and have any bit of comfort that I had, because I was like, if I need to change this, it's gonna take something, it's gonna take big stuff. So I stumbled into parent coaching, which just kind of threw me into the deeper healing of things like I could, I could really start to see the patterns, I can really start to see why I was stuck where I was stuck, I could actually make sense of it. As opposed to just being like, I'm stuck. I don't know why I've stuck. But I could actually make sense of things. And I can you know, it's I could see that I was self abandoning, I could see that I had that I lacked boundaries, that, you know, I was doing these things because I needed to feel worthy. And if I didn't do these things, and I didn't feel worthy, right, like so I had to, there was a lot there was a lot of stuff. And then his I don't want to completely. I don't want to say exactly what the drug is. But you know what, it was an expensive drug. And I discovered that he'd been doing it for quite a while. And that was the moment where I just went, oh, oh, no, no, I'm done. I can't I cannot continue this. This, it was the ultimate betrayal to me. Because I had worked so hard over these years with the kids of trying to work I'd go back with my maternity leave early on my maternity leave, I would do anything, whatever it took to get things to work out. Right. Right. And then to know that money was being bled out of us. Yeah, I just I absolutely. I was like, Nope, I'm done. I'm done. I'm completely done. And I actually was in my like, I felt the visceral feeling come over me of like, Absolutely not.

Lindsay Carlson 8:50
Now, while I'm working my butt off to do everything that we need to do.

Speaker 1 8:53
It was it was almost like that, just that like that. Like, wow, you don't even see what I do here. Yeah, right to do this to your family. Do you know what I mean? Like, so then he actually moved out make huge progress. So we attempted a reconciliation, because I really thought of like, wow, okay. And quickly went back into old patterns. And then there was a another episode with substance abuse. And I just, I was I was cleaning up a mess, basically. And I was sitting there and I was like, I'm 36 years old. What am I doing? Yeah, I like, clearly I am self abandoning. I'm self sacrificing. I'm I am just ignoring everything that I need. For what am I getting this in return? No. Yeah. Wow. It is time. Yeah. It

Carmel Ecker 9:47
reminds me not to not to make light of it. But it reminds me of a country song. I know. And it's all

Zeta Cosman 9:54
countries cover all of the devastation. And

Carmel Ecker 9:57
I think I think of it because you're in Alberta. And it's like, did I shave my legs for this? And it's this story about He does nothing. Like, you know, doing all the stuff and showing up in high heels and everything. And she's like, why am I here?

Unknown Speaker 10:12
But you know why I don't shave my legs for anyone. So

Carmel Ecker 10:17
maybe yourself if you if you're into

Lindsay Carlson 10:19
me, I

Speaker 1 10:20
want to do it. I'll do it. Otherwise you just get to suffer. Enjoy.

Lindsay Carlson 10:29
Yeah, it is great the story, it does go way back because you were working so darn hard to create this happiness for your kids. And this career and this financial security for yourself all these awesome things and nobody needs to hold you down and hold you back and put you in a place that is not okay. Yeah.

Zeta Cosman 10:48
And just realizing that after so long, like, I felt like my old self was just gone. This is not you. What are you doing? Yeah. Right, because, and I've had people ask me, since they're like, aren't you afraid of being a single parent? Absolutely not. Heck, no. I have done so much that I like I even when I had when I was pregnant for my third. I was working like 90 hours bi weekly, with my two kids at home and still managing everything. And because he had worked, but he was working like 65 hours a week, he would be home one day a week, usually. Right? So I was literally doing everything. So when people ask me sometimes they're like, are you afraid of being single mom? Afraid of what? Not having to deal with an extra person? Nope. Yeah.

Lindsay Carlson 11:32
Yeah, sometimes that's just one more thing dragging you down, right? Yeah. In a perfect situation. It's not but so many times women end up in that situation. So can you give us a sense of the timeline? How long have you been a single mom on your own? Oh, you poor thing?

Zeta Cosman 11:51
It's so funny. Because at first I was like, you know, I'm only so new into this, that people don't need to hear that. But then I was like, Wait a minute. This is what I've actually probably been that to hear myself because this has been such a tough grief period. So he we split the second time. The first time was April, we got back together in July, we split again in September. And he finally moved out in November. Wow. And it has been there's just been these waves of grief that keep coming in and out. Right. And it's like, that's part of the single parent story to realizing that you know what, in the beginning, it's garbage.

Carmel Ecker 12:34
But I, I love how you talk about the coming and going waves of grief. Like there's moments where you're like, oh, man, this is so much better than before. And then there's moments where, for me personally, it was like, Man, I had to let go of the dream. Right? Like I see a couple walking together with the you know, pushing the stroller or walking with their kid. And I'd be like, man, like I do it almost bring me to tears. Like I had to let go of that vision that was so and I'm sure you've had your own vision.

Zeta Cosman 13:04
Yeah, I've had songs that have literally gutted me the second I hear them and I'm like, oh, still all their hay. But the difference is now I actually go through it. Right? I don't like and he was my person he was we were together for nine years. And we actually believe that the universe slapped us together, which I know it did. Because at the same time I had said back then I'm a huge believer in manifestation. And we manifest stuff even when we don't mean to. And I had said to people that hey, I want to be a mom. And I don't know how I actually thought I was going to be single forever. I truly did. I just thought I was going to be single forever. So the universe brought someone in Swift and quick.

Lindsay Carlson 13:42
Right.

Zeta Cosman 13:46
And I remember after my first being like, I want I want two more kids. And you know, we still had we had rocky times. So I didn't know if we were ever going to actually be together forever. Like after your first kid is a huge adjustment. And we had a brand new relationship. Baby, we were less we were less than a year into a relationship. Yeah. Yeah. So like we we grew a lot together. But we so he was he became my person. Yeah, so right now I have these moments of like, oh, like, I don't have my person anymore. And but to go back to what I was saying, though, about the manifestation after my first I was like, I want more kids. And I want to make sure they're all with the same baby daddy. Like, I kind of just want that. And not there's just not because I think there's anything wrong with any other way. It's just that it was one of those things. I was like, I just don't want to deal with anybody but one that I get, because because my dad my sister has has two kids with two different dads and it's like, What a pain. What is Amazon right? Logistics more than one? Personality, right? Like yeah, it's hard enough with one co parenting. So I just I had this little thing in my head where I was like, I just want to Have I want to have more babies? I want to make sure it's with the same one. But I don't know how it's all gonna work out. And then we had the third baby, we knew we were done. And all of a sudden everything went.

Lindsay Carlson 15:09
Interesting. Yeah. And

Speaker 1 15:11
not funny universe not funny. Yeah, you can, you can do smoother.

Lindsay Carlson 15:17
So how you say he's your person. And I think that's so fascinating because sometimes we kind of typecast these these people into all good or all bad. And they're way more complex than that. And we get really connected to them, whether it's perfect or not it. So how, how are you, you say that you just kind of sit with the grief. But you know, a lot about coaching and you know a lot about emotions. So for somebody kind of going through this that doesn't have that knowledge, you know, what are some of the things that help you process and get through those times.

Speaker 1 15:54
Sometimes it's just allowing myself to be in it, and to just be sad for a little bit without distracting without running from it. Like, I don't drink anymore, just being aware of what is going on in my body and just allowing it to be some days, I will allow myself to go you know what, I think you actually need to pick up your phone and you need to scroll you, you need a break for a minute. Like, and I'll and I'll allow that. Like, I'll allow myself to just say do it and be in an escape for a minute. Without it being without judging myself for it. I just need that's

Carmel Ecker 16:29
very intentional, like I You're, you're not mindlessly picking up the phone and scrolling. You're saying you know what, that's actually just what I need. And you know, some people might put on a timer, I don't know if you do or if you feel like you need that. But, but giving yourself the space to just do what you need to do without judgment, but also being intentional and mindful at the same time.

Speaker 1 16:57
It's really, it is hard with social media, it's so easy to get stuck in scrolling. And I know, I've just learned to not judge myself for it instead, go okay, you caught it cool. Put it down. You know, we don't have I don't have to sit there now for 30 minutes and beat myself up. I just wasted an hour. Yeah, right. Like, I'm learning to let go of the shame.

Lindsay Carlson 17:16
Good. Yeah, because you don't have someone else who's gonna shine those positives at you at home necessarily right now. So you kind of have to, that's one thing I've learned, you have to become your own kindness, your own compassionate other person, your own supportive, you know, hey, you've had a hard day, what do you need, you kind of need to be there for yourself. So really good not to not to be too hard on yourself about those things.

Speaker 1 17:44
And I feel like that applies to parenting in general, like this. This is some of this is actually what most parents, the very first thing we have to talk about, is the fact that they they keep tearing themselves apart. And it's like, you can't Why would you do that to your child? No, don't do it yourself.

Lindsay Carlson 18:04
So tell me more about that. So let's say I'm yelling at my kids a lot. And no, I don't want to do that. It's extremely hard. You know, what are some of the things that I could be doing or thinking instead?

Speaker 1 18:16
So for that, my very first thing is always to learn to practice to pause, just pause, because it keeps you from reacting. I have actually had to this is one of my first things that I had to learn to do. I would be mid yell, and I would have to go. And I would pinch my lips and say absolutely not. I'm just not doing it right now. And then that's where you start, you just practice to pause. And then you start to go, Okay, what's actually coming up for me now? Because for example, with my with my son he's has he has a screen, you know, so that's the thing for the screens, like and not not to the point like most kids where they're like, oh, yeah, we'll put it down and go play. If he's playing his screen, he is on his screen. So we always used to have a struggle of when it was time to get off. And I realized that I used to I didn't know how to enforce the boundary, firmly and lovingly. First of all, it would always be it would trigger something in me. And I when I started pausing and realizing it's because I had convinced myself he was addicted to it. And he's going to be addicted to everything when he's 20. And he's going to be if I don't take care of it right now. Yes, we're going to be we're gonna have problems when he's 35. Do you know what I mean? So I was in the future. So if you're in the future one yes. You're not right here. You're not with your child. I'm not with an eight year old who literally is just wanting to play something and I'm enforcing a boundary and he's pissed about it. He's allowed to be angry that I'm enforcing a boundary. Anger wasn't really something that was allowed when I was growing up. You go in your room, right so so when I see his anger, it was like an immediate trigger. Like oh no, you can't Have that emotion that doesn't belong there is. And it's. So it's it's been a lot of learning, but I practice the pause practice to pause and see what's actually coming up for you. Do you see your eight year old struggling with what they're actually struggling with? Or do you see your own self? And I wasn't allowed to act like that. So how dare you?

Lindsay Carlson 20:20
I love that the future tripping idea is so. So well put Xena. Because yes, we think about like the biggest catastrophe that we could be horrible parents leading them to and we just jack the stakes up. So it's so important that of course, we're going to go into fight or flight and get really agitated and angry adrenaline get all of our adrenaline going. Yeah. And a love that sort of not not stepping that far in the future and just being right in the present with it. I don't think anyone has really said it as clearly as you're seeing it. So I really, I love the stories that you're bringing. Yeah, it's been it's,

Unknown Speaker 21:00
I have a few stories.

Carmel Ecker 21:03
Don't wait, don't wait.

Lindsay Carlson 21:07
Yeah, so you're you're fresh in the changing your life mode, and building a new business and taking care of the kids in that's amazing. What kinds of things are you doing kind of as a family right now to with you and the kids to just sort of feel whole as a unit. Because if you're anything like me, you might feel that the change kind of makes it hard to feel like you're just a normal family. So.

Speaker 1 21:37
So it's interesting, because because he works so much before it, it feels normal to us. There hasn't been a huge shift in that sense. The the biggest shift right now is the fact that I'm trying to do the business and work from home and my oldest kid stays home, because I'm, I was attempting to homeschool as well. You know, it's not going. But the difference now is that I'm working from home and he can't always have access to me. It's been hard to set those boundaries. And it's just been difficult because it's I've been busier. So right now I don't feel like we have a very good. Like, on the weekends, I just make sure that I'm just, I'm home. But it's also really cold here in the winter. So we haven't been outside. We haven't been doing any of the fun stuff. I'm just instead just I'm just there with them on the weekend, which honestly, that's what our kids want. That's what they want. Right? So I don't I'm not one of those moms who tries to do everything because I just Well, it's a lie. I do. Like comes to working. But when it comes to like extracurriculars. Yeah, like No, you guys probably because my two, my two younger ones go to a day home throughout the week. So they they love it. So the rest of it is just kind of on the weekends, we just get to catch up and hang out. I just keep it low key, like you're busy all day.

Carmel Ecker 23:02
I love that so much. Because I think so many of us try like that we run ourselves ragged, trying to make sure that we're creating great experiences for our kids and, and getting them outside and, and not that those are bad things, or not simply more striving for but you know, we can kind of twist ourselves into a pretzel trying to do something. And and is that? Do our kids really care? Yeah.

Speaker 1 23:27
And right now I'm just in a season where I'm like, you can't you can't put anything else on yourself right now. It's either. You have to wait, you have to wait it out. So once it's summers come in the days get longer. Like I have no doubt that then I'll be able to get out. So the more we'll be able to get out and do those things. But I'm doing my best to not force myself. Because then I just end up being an angry mom again. And what's the point? Yeah, they don't care about going to the park. If mom's yelling at them all the way home.

Lindsay Carlson 23:56
You'll just be drained and fragile. Yeah, they'd

Speaker 1 23:59
rather just be home with mom who's not Yellin And who's just chillin with them, right. So I

Lindsay Carlson 24:04
love that, especially when it's a big transition time for you and just giving yourself some space to do that. You're patient. That's really hard. That's not easy for everyone. It's so easy to look at social media, and all of the people around us and just try to compare ourselves and live up to, you know, others that may have different things going on in their lives. Like we can't really see what's going on for real, but we we try to keep up so many times to other people. So I love that you're patient.

Speaker 1 24:32
This has taken a long time to get here. It's really I had to I had to be patient with my patients. But it's taken a lot of mindset work. It's taken a lot of what are my beliefs and do they actually serve me. And like really unpacking those core beliefs and making new beliefs to say you know what, I'm going to anchor into this because this feels draining. You know, having to show do all these things or if I believe that I'm only worthy if I work 50 hours a week and bring home however much money if I, if I believe that I'm only worthy, if I do that, I'm never going to feel worthy. So I'm just worthy because I woke up this morning. You know, like, just really unpacking some of those beliefs that we don't even realize we have.

Lindsay Carlson 25:19
Yeah. And

Carmel Ecker 25:20
that's, that's the thing that keeps happening, right? Like we we don't, we aren't even aware of the programs that are running in the back. And what I love about what you're saying is that, like, simple awareness, can go a long way, to helping us make the transformation and feel better about

Speaker 1 25:41
going on always remembering time. And always remembering that you get to choose. Like, it's uncomfortable at first, it's just brutally uncomfortable at times, but you still get to choose. And it takes a while to get rid of those old programs. And it takes a while to keep practicing the new stuff. But it's if you give it time, it's definitely you start to anchor into it when you when you need it most. And all of a sudden, it's like, things start to the clouds start to shift, you're like, Whoa, wait a minute, I've grown well, I've grown are you so you yell at your kids one less time that day, like, one less time is better than absolutely nothing. And you have to take every little tiny win and anchor into them improvement.

Lindsay Carlson 26:29
It's sort of like, it feels like so much the metamorphosis like that caterpillar turning into the butterfly, is that the process that you're going through right now. And and it's neat that you're so aware of all these skills, and that you've developed all of this mindset understanding, because it just feels like you're rebuilding as a spectacular person. And it's just really exciting to see that.

Speaker 1 26:55
Well, thank you because I definitely do feel like the gooey butterfly most days like I'm still at the cocoon, I know that there's still a lot of like a lot of things that needs to happen. And like someday I know there'll be beautiful wings, but right now it still feels like the goo for sure.

Carmel Ecker 27:13
There are times when I wonder if we ever really hit butterfly status. I feel like I'm a constant work in progress, like who I am today is a shadow of who I will be in 10 years if I keep you know, doing the work in my relationships, working on myself working on work, you know, whatever it is. So I mean, but but I love the imagery of it

Lindsay Carlson 27:38
through the hard times, right? Yeah. So maybe what we can do is find out some of the things that have really helped you some of the books and tools and resources that you've leaned into to to develop this mindset. Do you have anything that you would share? Oh,

Speaker 1 27:57
man, there's, there's a lot that because this has been a work in progress for. Like I said, a lot happened after my last was born. But I had been working on a lot of professional development or personal and professional development before that. But I know like a big one for me was how to do the work the holistic psychologist. Hmm, her book really helped, like just things clicked into place, right. And then the other piece that I remember being the biggest was just the coaching program that I went through like that. Those were the pieces that really helped me, it kind of like started to bring clarity to a lot of the other things that I learned but it actually helped it fall into place better. And also like working on just working on the beliefs like working on those beliefs like with I used to follow manifestation Babe and her stuff just used to click for me for some reason as well was like really just getting to the beliefs of why why you think you don't deserve these wonderful things sometimes. And yeah, I all of those together has been has been a lot of it.

Carmel Ecker 29:08
Awesome. I had to I had that manifestation.

Lindsay Carlson 29:12
I do. I'm scribbling Yeah, I love it. I love it.

Speaker 1 29:17
The reason why I wanted to say the manifestation stuff, too is because some people have this belief that if you just Oh think good thoughts. Like no, you could have get to the depths. Because a lot of people do the spiritual bypassing

Lindsay Carlson 29:30
stuff. So yeah, unpack it. Okay,

Speaker 1 29:34
so getting into the depths, I would say like actually feeling your emotions actually learning what's coming up for you. And instead of, I see so many people be like, Oh, I'm having a hard day and they're back to shopping. They're back to doing all these things, or they're shaming themselves for having a hard day. What if you just get to have a hard day sometimes, and you just go oh you know what, this is really hard. and you're just you're there. You're not trying to get out of it. You're not trying to run away from it, you know, or doing the work with the inner child stuff where you go, like, What did my five year old like? So actually, this brings up a story for me when I was younger someone told me that I couldn't sing. I've, I actually can, but I have crippling stage fright now. Right? crippling stage fright. Like, if I go to sing in front of someone, my voice will crack horribly, right? Like it actually brings it up. Like I can't control it. If I can sing by myself, Oh, man, I can belt it like no trouble. If I go to sit in front of someone else, it just immediately cracks. I cannot stop it. I you know, because I'm still working on that piece. I actually feel like that is a piece of my healing journey that when I hit you that, that I can sit in front of people, one of my butterfly wings are gonna come out. Yes,

Lindsay Carlson 30:50
absolutely. Right. So tying into your nervous system and your stories and healing

Speaker 1 30:56
work, where I sit with myself, and I'm like, man, what did you actually need to hear in that moment? And like, Yeah, you never had anybody to hold that for you. You didn't have anybody to tell. That was gonna say, who that was just gonna say, Yeah, this really like, that really sucks. Instead, it's like, you get the fixers where it's like, oh, that really sucks. And she's probably jealous. It was she was probably jealous. And it was, it dismisses how we actually felt like, sometimes just sitting with our kids and letting them feel it be like, yeah, kid, that sucks. I need to fix it for them. That just sucks.

Carmel Ecker 31:35
How did you? How did you first engage with the inner child work? I don't know if that's like, you intentionally did that. Or it was kind of part of the manifestation work that you did. Or

Speaker 1 31:48
that reminds me, I think that came about in a hypnosis session. I've done it. I've done many things over the years to just bring me into, I think I've only done Hypno maybe twice. But that's where it's, I remember it starting there the first time where it was like, envision you're not your younger self. And I was like, What is this? Interesting, but realizing how much better I felt afterwards. And then I've then sometimes I do that with my clients now, where I just I bring them back to that, like, how old is that anxiety? Where does it sit in your body? Right? And they start to like, actually focus in on it. And it's like, Whoa, there is something there. Right. Like, it's, we don't realize a lot of the stuff that we have going on for ourselves. So this whole, the biggest piece for me was when I actually started feeling stuff. I actually stopped and was like, I don't need to fix this. I don't need to be anywhere else right now. I'm just having a hard time. And yep, I can feel that anxiousness. And I started to ask myself, like, I describe it. And then it's like, how old is that? And you know, what, how many times it was like, that actually feels like it's five? It was it was crazy. Wow, there's a lot of stuff.

Carmel Ecker 33:05
Yeah, so So did you do? Like it can be tough to just kind of sit there and explore this stuff? Like, what am I feeling? You know, have you done it sort of in the moment? Or did you do it more intentionally with coaching or therapy or more has it kind of evolved over time.

Speaker 1 33:24
It's evolved over time, because in the beginning, it felt so foreign, that it was so unbelievably uncomfortable that you just sometimes you just can't. So this was where the piece of self grace and self compassion and all of that would come in, where I'd just sometimes just say, You know what, I'm going to give myself five minutes, I'm going to sit in it, and then I'm going to get up. Because it's too much right now. So it became it becomes a practice, you have to practice and you have to allow yourself to be okay with being uncomfortable. You have to start bringing safety, to feeling uncomfortable. Right, like reminding yourself that just because I'm uncomfortable does not mean that I'm not safe, when you bring that safety and then you just go I just need to start being comfortable.

Carmel Ecker 34:15
Being uncomfortable. Yeah, that is, I think that's a tricky thing to do. Like and I love that you bring in the safety piece, because we're often not aware we're just like, oh, I don't like I don't like how this feels. And we don't relate it to it. It's not just that I don't like this it's that there's something about this that makes me feel unsafe. And I need to explore what that is in order to move past this right otherwise you just keep bumping up against the glass of your own discomfort and you're never able to move past it.

Speaker 1 34:50
Yeah, so that reminds me to like a huge piece for me you during the coaching was learning the nervous system, and it actually clicking because because I remember slash Sarah cuz I learned it before, but it meant it didn't it didn't land, right? I have a huge, I'm a huge believer that you'll get the lessons that you're meant to. Because like I literally had the lessons was graded on them and everything and they didn't land. But when they landed, they landed hard. And that was the biggest threat was like realizing that oh, that's just my that's my nervous system sensing a threat. But I'm not. I'm not actually, I'm actually in a threat zone here. My kids screaming at me it's not a threat. It's, you know, like, but realizing those pieces of like, oh, that's where the uncomfortableness comes from. Okay. I've now made sense. I can create safety with him when I've made some sense of it. Right?

Lindsay Carlson 35:43
Yes, understanding it. That makes you so yeah. So equipped as a as a leader, and as someone further single parents to look for, and as a parent coach, because you've really, a lot of people get the learning and they don't process it to the level that you're talking about. It's quite Yeah, it's, it's so different. When you're actually able to say, Yeah, I'm totally triggered. I know what it's like to go through really hard stuff. And I can really see it, as opposed to someone who may never have had to go through something so hard.

Speaker 1 36:17
And I've always been a firm believer that I don't judge people, because anytime that I have, I've been putting their exact same situation, and then I've had to go, oh, like karma. Yeah. I learned that a long time ago, that just you know what, you don't know why someone else did it. So even with parenting, like, sometimes parents have so much shame around their parenting, I don't know why he did it. Just if you want to fix it, you know, if you want to, you want to repair your relationships, if you want to start, it started on the journey of looking different than let's do it. Don't sit in the shame. It doesn't matter why you did it. It's whether you want to stop doing it.

Lindsay Carlson 36:58
Oh, that's amazing. Good. Because as someone who went through really hard stuff, and had hard situations with my kids, especially after leaving or being in violence, you're terrified of having something go wrong, where you lose your kids, or you're terrified of anyone knowing that somebody is not perfect, because there's so much at stake. And that doesn't help that just ends up creating this whole shroud of secrecy around how you feel and what you're doing. So just lifting off the shame and allowing people some space to be able to transform and change where they're at and, and not be terrified to ask for help. I mean, I that's huge. It's really, really like,

Speaker 1 37:47
and I've done a lot of work on shame lately, because shame is a very heavy emotion. And people don't realize how much they're in it. And it causes us to isolate. And we as humans are built for connection. And yet it causes us to isolate. So the more you shame yourself, the more you isolate, the more you don't get what you actually are wired for.

Carmel Ecker 38:08
And it's shame show up sometimes, like what are some subtle ways that shame shows up that we might interpret it as something else?

Speaker 1 38:16
So here's a big one with kids. And I'm gonna bring it to kids, because that's what's at the forefront of my mind right now. Is this whole? Yeah, when they tell you to go away, it's usually because shame is so big, and they don't you they don't want you to see them in their flaws. They're they're being told that hey, you need to get away, when really what they're needing is like for you to come into them. Then that also shows up. So the way it shows up with kids, though, it's they looks vastly different. It'll depend on the child. It also shows up with those kids. We've all heard it, I'm sure where your child's like, well, I did you tripped me. And you're like, all the way across the house. And you're like, what, huh? Let's go let you know. Like they're blaming other people for their actions, the lashing out and hitting like, often it's, it's because shame is so heavy, they don't know how to discharge the emotion. And it comes out in so many weird ways with kids that we don't see it as that we see it as them pushing us away. When really, it's it's that piece of like, I don't want you to see how flawed I am. It's that weight of like, there is something wrong with me. And I don't want you to see it. So our kids push or they, they they lot like they'll lie about something and you're like, huh, that doesn't make sense. I'm trying to think of the other ways, but there's definitely a few ways where parents say something to me, and I'm like, that's a shame. And they're like, What, and then when I unpack it for them, they're like, oh,

Lindsay Carlson 39:40
okay, yeah, the hiding and the mom

Speaker 1 39:43
will ask for help. So what is she? Yeah, because they feel like someone's gonna judge them. They're there. They feel inadequate. And I know because I was one of them. I still have moments of inadequacy and then I'm like, am I inadequate? Or is this just my first time on the job because I've never had least three kids before? How was I supposed to know what I'm doing?

Lindsay Carlson 40:03
I love it. First time on the job. I love it. It's really good. Yeah. So when a child is is sort of showing that shame, are there some simple kinds of things that a parent might do? One thing I learned just really quickly was to be imperfect for my kids and to own that, so that, you know, to not try and show up perfectly to not have a makeup on in the morning kind of thing and defend all

Speaker 1 40:28
the normalizing mistakes is a huge piece. modeling what you do when you make a mistake without the without shaming yourself, right? You know what, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. And I'm going to try better. But I'm sorry. You know, just being like, Hey, kid, I'm just really sorry. Mom messes it up to

Lindsay Carlson 40:51
you. And yourself. Not saying Oh, I'm such a terrible mom.

Speaker 1 40:55
Yep. Mom mess. And I'm going to keep trying better. Okay. That's what we're going to that's what I'm promising you that I'm gonna keep trying better. And I'm still gonna mess it up sometimes. So I have a story here, actually, my kid, he was playing a video game. And he kept he was I don't think it was a spider man or something. And his character kept dying. He couldn't get all the snipers or whatever it was he was playing. And at first I like I could feel that because he gets super frustrated, throw the controller down. And I'm just not good at this a moment I saw. I managed to get grounded. And I came out and I was like, what's going on? And he's like, Well, this, this, this, this, this is happening. I was like, okay, so you keep you keep dying in the game. And I said, but every single time I said to you, do you get a little further? He's like, Yeah, I was like, oh, okay, so you just got to just gonna die a few more times. And he was like, Oh, I was like, yeah, so each time you'll learn just a little bit more. So let's say you get three guys this time. Next time you get me get four. And then you just keep going until you know, you finally you finally get them all. And he's like, Oh, okay. And he actually brought that up after my someone said something about failing. And he's like, Oh, you just got to do it a bunch more times. And my god that was like, I was like, I was like, You need to tell adults. On stage, you need to be told adults this, they need to hear this from your mouth.

Lindsay Carlson 42:23
Because you just got to do it a bunch of

Speaker 1 42:25
literally, he just had that carefree feeling of where it was just like, Oh, I just got to do it a few more times. Right mom? Like? Yes.

Carmel Ecker 42:34
So quickly, they catch on so quickly. And so if you're able, he's I love that you asked him, you know, the questions and walked him through the thought process as opposed to telling him something like, it's just a game. Why does it matter? Right. That's not

Speaker 1 42:49
which is, which is actually what I used to do. Right? Yeah, we've done. He is like, he lives very close to shame. So he's quickly just I'm not good. I'm not this. I'm not that. And I, so I have to like sit with him and go, is that true? Or is that kind of, you know, is that true? Are you not good at or is it just you haven't learned again?

Lindsay Carlson 43:14
Skill, we can all talk to ourselves like that. I do.

Speaker 1 43:17
I have. That's yeah, the inner child work, right? Because we didn't have someone telling us that when we were kids, and now it's now it's our job to parent ourselves and our littles. Yeah.

Lindsay Carlson 43:33
I love that was a teaching moment. It was probably my proudest one.

Carmel Ecker 43:38
That's a great one. That's a great one. Yeah. And it's so rewarding to see. It's so rewarding to see something that you've done as a parent and see it have an impact right away. Or like a week later, right? They they, you know, kind of show somebody else what you showed them? And it's like, yeah,

Speaker 1 44:05
works with her. When you when you can teach it, it's because you've actually learned to him. So when he actually like said it, I was like, Oh, wow. And the day that he was super, he was super pumped. He was like bomb because loud noises trigger me, right? I'm like, you're instantly angry. But I'm like, I don't know what's going on yet. Like

Lindsay Carlson 44:30
it's so neat to kids are like this little instant feedback kind of lab that you're like, oh, that worked or Oh, that's really not working. You know, right away. It's

Speaker 1 44:39
gonna depend on the child. It absolutely depends on the child. Because they all show it in very different ways.

Carmel Ecker 44:48
And I'm sure adults too, like can we recognize shame in ourselves so that we don't allow negative behaviors to you know, damage our relationship with our kids. or anyone else?

Lindsay Carlson 45:03
All right, Sita, we've had you for long enough. And I know that you've got a busy life and lots going on. So maybe we can just jump into the lightning round and ask you a couple of questions before we let you go. Yes, that would be. Okay. Awesome.

Carmel Ecker 45:18
I love I always love our first question. Finish the sentence, single parenting is

Speaker 1 45:26
a beautiful learning experience, because that's it. So all you can do is learn

Lindsay Carlson 45:31
to love and that's okay, if it is so good. And it ties into everything you're saying. If you were to leave your listeners today with just one thing, what would you want them to get from this conversation?

Speaker 1 45:46
Open your mind to the possibilities? Like really start dreaming, decide what you want your family to look like. Right? Decide what you want it to look like, and then that just open your mind to it. You know, instead of this eyeball, I can't because I'm this parent or whatever, like No, how do you want your family to look? How do you want to look? How do you want to be as a parent? And just just play with play with the dreams.

Lindsay Carlson 46:17
That ties into the manifestation. But I like

Carmel Ecker 46:20
that idea. Like play with the dreams like make it light hearted, don't like don't make it like Okay, I gotta I gotta make a big plan. I gotta have a vision or whatever it is, but like,

Speaker 1 46:28
can we just play it? And then we tell ourselves why we can't do it. But just actually play with Yes. Let's say money wasn't an option. Nothing's nothing's in your way. What does it look like? And what does it feel? Like? More importantly, what does it feel like? anchor into like, you know, you won the lottery, who's the first person you're calling? What does it feel like when you're screaming? Oh, my God. Thank you to those feelings.

Carmel Ecker 46:56
I love that. That someone shared that with me not that long ago. And I was like, Yeah, that's what I need to focus on what I'm gonna feel. Because I think that's more exciting. Often for a lot of us then the goal. It's like some of the goals that we set. Like they're exciting, but like if we focus more on how we're going to feel it's more motivating. Anyways, that's a sidetrack. That's

Lindsay Carlson 47:16
great. Yeah.

Carmel Ecker 47:17
It's a favorite activity that you get to do just for you.

Speaker 1 47:23
Oh, wow. Honestly, lately, it's been listening to music like Usher on blast. Dancing around. Just spending time by myself. And doing stuff like that. is probably my favorite thing lately.

Lindsay Carlson 47:40
That's so fun. Hey, love it. I know I've picked up dancing in the kitchen as well. Good for you. The second thing,

Speaker 1 47:46
like, and I never used to do it either. I was always like, you know, I'm too busy. I'm too busy. And then it just stopped and started dancing. I was like, Man, this feels good. Why don't I do this more?

Lindsay Carlson 47:56
Gonna do more of that. Yeah. Okay, and I'll grab a last question. Maybe? I'm talking speaking about designing things the way you want them to be? What would your dream day look like?

Speaker 1 48:11
It depends. Is it a workday or not a workday? Well, yeah, I guess Hey, I'm gonna give you a little bit of both. I guess. A workday would be I'm definitely working from home. I'm definitely coaching max to clients. My kids are likely going through the day home having a great time. And yeah, I probably have two or three hours of actual self care time. And then I picked them up we have the whole evening to ourselves. And a weekend definitely ordered breakfast aid. So that I didn't have to cook it. Or maybe I have a chef by now. I'm not sure. dreaming up before the kids yeah, I got up before the kids, I had my coffee. And then yeah, we just spend the day if they want to. At this point, we have no money issues, right. So we're gonna, we're gonna be at a play place for them in the morning. And then because we always go in the morning because I don't like going out in the afternoons because there's too peed too many people. There's too much chaos. So if we're going out in the morning, for sure. And then we spend the afternoon just just chillin, like, maybe an outdoor activity, right, like, but my kids love play places. So we'll start the morning in the play place before the chaos.

Lindsay Carlson 49:32
And also some of that ties back to how you're living your life right now, how you're getting some of that chill time. And it doesn't sound like that crazy a stretch from your day to day right now,

Speaker 1 49:46
which actually I've actually created this and I remember when I used to work on site that I used to say, Man, I just really want a job where I can just get up go get coffee, and then like take my time I used to think I was going to be a real estate agent. No, it just didn't look the same but I created the exactly what I wanted. At one day I sat here and I was like, Huh, oh, yeah, this is what I wanted. So I just I stopped in those moments and like really sink into like, Wow, you did this. Keep appreciating yourself here. Because the next step is come in, you know, like, just keep dreaming and keep going. Because yeah, it's, it's pretty crazy when I look back and I'm like, Oh, that was something I wanted. And here it is. And I didn't even realize it got here.

Lindsay Carlson 50:29
Right. So you did that. That's so great. So well as data. It's been so amazing to hear your story and to hear. I love that you're just so open to sharing where you are in real life in real time right now. And you're right people who are just looking ahead at some tough times or in some tough times. Those are the people that really need to hear what you have to say especially. Yeah,

Speaker 1 50:56
thank you for having me today. This was fun, especially for my first one.

Lindsay Carlson 51:02
Yeah, thank you so much for joining us today.

Carmel Ecker 51:04
Wonderful to have you here and share your stories. I know that it's going to some people are going to see themselves and in what you said and take some really helpful learnings away from it. And

Lindsay Carlson 51:15
we'll have to have you back for some parenting coaching in real time or something that's really,

Speaker 1 51:21
maybe, really, really your own Lindsay.

Lindsay Carlson 51:28
You'll be ready for that. You'll be ready to

Unknown Speaker 51:30
jump in anyway.

Lindsay Carlson 51:31
All right. totally right. If you're scared, it's good. Yeah. All right, maybe we will let you go. Have a great evening. And thanks again for joining us even though it was kind of out of your comfort zone. It was great.

Carmel Ecker 51:46
Before you leave, we want to give a big shout out to our friend and musician Laura cosh who wrote our intro and outro music. Laura is the singer songwriter for the band The quarks, and you can find them online at the quarks K WERK s.com.

Lindsay Carlson 52:02
If you enjoyed the show, make sure you subscribe, leave a review and share it with other single parents in your life. Thanks for listening