Toots

"My Lord Caesar, this is Ambassador Wolfgang Dryvretchhaus"

A delegation of the Hun have requested a meeting with Lord Caesar.
From maps and blood, to Tanks and Toots, it's certainly a more lively meeting
than usual, but will it work in the favour of the great Emperor?

Credits:
Nate Gothard as Caesar               
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus and Wolfgang                
Thomas Taufan as Voice and Guard                
Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Three, Toots)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING

CAESAR: What next Sensus?

SENSUS: A delegation of the Hun, my Lord.

CAESAR: Here?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: And we let them in?

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord. Please remember that we have a treaty with them. We’ve had six years of peace,
now.

CAESAR: Then why are we still staying General Ubrutus to protect the Northern boarders?

SENSUS: Well, peace needs to be overseen and ...

CAESAR: And?

SENSUS: You know how he gets when he gets bad news.

CAESAR: Oh yes. It is sad to think that my Commander in Chief of the North is known for beating the
Hun into submission with a good bitch slapping.

SENSUS: (QUIET) Like you could do better.

CAESAR: I’m sorry Sensus?

SENSUS: (LOUD) But peace it is, my Lord.

CAESAR: True.

SENSUS: Shall I ask them in?

CAESAR: I guess so.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Summon the delegation of the Hun.

GUARD: (DISTANT) Summon the Hun.: (MORE DISTANT) Summon the Hun

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Mr. Hun, Mr. Hun, please proceed to Caesar's Chambers.

CAESAR: Do something about that, Sensus.

SENSUS: Yes, my Lord.

HUGE DOORS OPENING, EARTH SHAKING FOOTSTEPS OF
SEVERAL PEOPLE AND DEEP BREATHING.

SENSUS: My Lord Caesar, this is Ambassador Wolfgang Dryvretchhaus.

CAESAR: Welcome.

WOLFGANG: (A VERY ROUGH GERMAN ACCENT) Why tanks toots.

SENSUS: That's Lord Toots to you.

WOLFGANG: Ooooh. Aren't you ze feisty one? My apologies.

CAESAR: Why do you seek an audience with me?

WOLFGANG: Vell, ve vere yust in ze area.... oh I can't lie, I blush too much.

CAESAR: What a lovely shade.

WOLFGANG: Dunka. Ve vould like to make ze offer for ze outpost.

CAESAR: Which outpost?

SOUND OF SCROLL UNROLLING.

Oohhh…we really ought to get more maps like this Sensus. Rustic and with character.

SENSUS: I’m not sure if pools of dried blood can be defined as character.

CAESAR: Well, I think it adds charm.

PASSIVE THUD ON TABLE.

WOLFGANG: Here!

CAESAR: Pardon? You would like to buy…

WOLFGANG: Oh, buy is such an ugly verd. How about we call it a corporate take over?

CAESAR: All of it?

WOLFGANG: Ya.

CAESAR: May I ask why?

WOLFGANG: Ya.

(LONG PAUSE)

CAESAR: Well?

WOLFGANG: You may ask me vhy anytime.

CAESAR: Ah, I see..... Why?

WOLFGANG: I can't tell. (WHISPERING) It's a secret.

CAESAR: I see. What do you offer in return?

WOLFGANG: Seventy-three million sheep and naming rights on the FC Jersey.

CAESAR: What is the exchange rate Sensus?

SENSUS: Presently, four and a half sheep to a silver piece.

CAESAR: Very well, let me think about the matter and I will give you my answer tomorrow.

WOLFGANG: Vhy danka Lord Toots.

CAESAR: Indeed.

GREAT SLOBBERING MASS LEAVING, THUNDERING STEPS
HUGE DOORS CLOSING.

CAESAR: Well, what do you make of all that, Sensus?

SENSUS: Interesting, Lord Caesar.

CAESAR: I can't help feeling that I can't trust them.

SENSUS: I have that same feeling.

CAESAR: I mean, it is an extravagant amount for such a forsaken territory.

SENSUS: I'll say, my Lord.

CAESAR: I mean no one would like to fight over the vague but all too familiar piece of land that countries
have and will fight over for hundreds of years.

SENSUS: Are we being vague enough?

CAESAR: Vague enough without being too on the Roman Nose I think Sensus.

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones