When a Pastor's Wife Says 'I'm Done': Teresa Whiting's Story

What do you do when you've loved being a pastor's wife for two decades, and one morning you hear yourself say, "I'm done"? What do you do when a petition arrives by certified mail, signed by people you called friends? And what do you do when the bitterness scares you more than the wound?

In this conversation, Teresa Whiting returns to talk honestly about a season that nearly took her out of ministry — and how the slow work of forgiveness, spoken out loud, broke something open. She and Andrea sit in the real cost of being hurt by the church while still loving the Bride of Christ, and name the cynicism that creeps in when we harbor hurt instead of bringing it to Jesus.

You'll hear why Scripture, journaling, safe community, and stepping away matter — and why Jesus' invitation, "Come to me, all who are weary," is still the anchor. You are not alone.

What is The Ministry Wives and Women Podcast with Andrea Griffith?

Ministry Wives & Women is a podcast for ministry wives and women seeking encouragement, spiritual depth, and honest conversation for the journey of faith. everyday life, and the challenges of church leadership. Hosted by Andrea Griffith, each episode offers thoughtful wisdom, real stories, and gospel-centered hope to help women live with greater resilience, authenticity, and grace in every season.

[00:00] [Teresa Whiting] Like, it's easy to, in your mind, say stuff, but like, when you hear yourself saying, "This person did this and it hurt and I forgive them." Yeah. It's more, for me anyway, it was more of a release.

[00:12] [Andrea Griffith] Welcome to the Ministry Wives and Women Podcast. This is a place where we openly address the challenging realities of ministry and point one another to Jesus and the gospel. Whether you're thriving, barely holding on, or somewhere in between, you are not alone. I'm Andrea Griffith, and each episode brings honest conversations, biblical encouragement, and stories from women who understand this calling. This podcast is part of The Church Hub, where we're committed to strengthening ministry leaders and the families who walk with them. We're so glad you're here. Hi, and welcome back to The Church Hub for Ministry Wives. I'm Andrea Griffith, and I'll be your host. I've been a pastor's wife for 30 years and married for 30 years, very similarly to my guest. Yes, Teresa Whiting is back with us again today. Teresa has a podcast called Find Hope Here, and she has a Bible study that she's written called Graced. And we're hoping— I'm hearing that you are working on another Bible study.

[01:22] [Teresa Whiting] I am, hopefully this fall, but we'll see.

[01:25] [Andrea Griffith] Okay.

[01:25] [Teresa Whiting] We need to— I need to focus and get to it.

[01:28] [Andrea Griffith] Yeah. Well, I can't wait for that to come out, and I will I will be buying one of the very first copies as soon as that comes out. And this season, we're talking about resiliency. What does it look like to bounce back in the midst of the hard of ministry? And so, in this podcast today, we want to talk about just finding resiliency in storms. I've always heard that you're either in a storm, or one is coming, or you're just coming out of one, right? Mm-hmm, right. So, this is something that's just— always ongoing in our lives. And I wondered, Teresa, if you had kind of a smaller storm to talk about at first, like before we get deep.

[02:12] [Teresa Whiting] So I have this very silly, embarrassing moment of when we were first married, and it was our first church. And I was, you know, I was teaching a Bible study, and I had this object lesson where I was going to blindfold somebody and have them walk through this room, you know, and put obstacles in the way. And The woman who volunteered was in her 80s, and I was like, "Oh no, no, no, no, not her." And she insisted on being the person. And then I let her do it, and she fell. And it was just one of those, like, "Oh, Teresa, you are an idiot." So embarrassing. So that was a very small storm.

[02:57] [Andrea Griffith] Was she okay?

[02:58] [Teresa Whiting] She was fine. She was fine, but I just wanted to die, actually. So embarrassed that I—

[03:04] [Andrea Griffith] And then you probably had to teach, like, out of that.

[03:06] [Teresa Whiting] Yes, and I was like, "I just have nothing to say. We need to go home." What about you? Do you have a funny story?

[03:13] [Andrea Griffith] That one was a hard one to recover from. I can see it. I can see it was hard to recover from.

[03:18] [Teresa Whiting] It was.

[03:19] [Andrea Griffith] So I have many. My most recent— so we moved to Orlando 3 years ago and found a new church to start attending. And a pastor on staff that I had not met yet was asking for a phone call from me to just clarify some things, talk through things. And we had set a time for the phone call, but he started texting to move up our time to talk. So I was driving while he was texting, and so I was talking to text, and I just said, "I can do that," and let it send. And when I looked down at my phone, what the phone had said, what Siri had said actually, was, "Eye candy." And this was a young, good-looking pastor that I've never met. And here I'm sending him a text that says, "Eye candy." I was so embarrassed. As soon as I was able to pull over, I pulled over and I'm texting, "I'm so sorry. I was talking to text." And oh my goodness, that— we definitely started out on the wrong foot. Yeah. So as you have been resilient in 30 years of being a pastor's wife and gone through different storms in life, I would love to hear from you what spiritual anchors have held you steady when both personal life and ministry maybe were simultaneously in turmoil. What's held you?

[04:57] [Teresa Whiting] I think clinging to the Word has held me. And more so, not just Scripture, but like the actual presence of God, like really just knowing, like, he's with me. I remember seasons where I would wrap the covers around me in bed, like, and I would just say, like, "I'm under his wings. I'm under his wings." Like, just, like, even getting, like, that tangible feeling of, like, he's holding me, he's got this The Psalms have been such a source of, like, comfort and hope and strength. 1 and 2 Timothy, where Paul is encouraging them, and in the middle of his encouragement, he says, "In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted." Wow. And, like, this is, like, right in the middle of his instructions to Timothy about the church, and it was like, oh, like, It's normal. This is how things go sometimes. Another anchor for me is journaling. That is one way I process is just through writing, like just getting it all out. Sometimes you wanna say something to people that you can't say. And so, I have found, you know, writing letters that I don't send has been really helpful.

[06:20] [Andrea Griffith] Have you done the same thing? I've done emails. I've written emails of what I really want to say, And I just make sure I delete them.

[06:27] [Teresa Whiting] Yeah. See, email scares me cuz I'm always terrified that it's accidentally sent. I'm more of a paper, like just write it all out and then throw it away. Yeah. Um, and then community, you know, we talk, we've talked about this, just having people that surround you. Um, one particular time back in, um, 2003, Greg and I were going through a really hard time personally as a couple. Mm-hmm. It was probably the darkest. Time in our marriage.

[06:58] [Andrea Griffith] Yeah.

[06:58] [Teresa Whiting] And we kind of shared that with some people in our church, and they came around us, Andrea, like in such a beautiful way. Um, you know, I've talked a lot about storms, but there's also been those beautiful moments too, right, where we're struggling and the people come around us and literally like hold up our arms and having that community. And even though they were our church people, like, they were our safe place to be able to share, like, the details of what was going on in our personal lives. And I think that has been very beautiful. I will say that when some of that got to other people in the church, it turned and it wasn't so beautiful anymore. So, you know, there's that wrestling match of how much do you share and how much do you not share and all that. But the anchor, that doesn't discount the beauty of the people that were holding us up.

[07:54] [Andrea Griffith] Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that you found that safe place and you were able to find those people, because we're no different than the people in our community, the people in our church. I'm just as broken as they are. We're all broken. We're all gonna have the times that we are falling apart and need others to help strengthen us. And just being able to be real about that, I think is the only way that you heal, and that you're able to find strength. Do you have a storm that God took you through, and that drew you closer to him?

[08:36] [Teresa Whiting] I do.

[08:37] [Andrea Griffith] And actually, I have lots of storms, and I was trying to determine which one to pick.

[08:42] [Teresa Whiting] Which one do I use?

[08:43] [Andrea Griffith] Yes.

[08:44] [Teresa Whiting] But I would say that there's two things about this story. And first of all, it was after we had been in ministry for more than 20 years. I will tell you, Andrea, for almost our whole 30 years of ministry, I have always said, "I love being a pastor's wife." I do too. I love being in ministry. I love everything. I love the people. I love the churches. I love the ministry and just all of it. I love it. Yeah. And there was a point though, where I said, "I'm done. I'm done. Like, we're done. I don't wanna do this anymore." And it was during a very, very hard season.— we were— I feel like we had just been beaten down. And I've noticed a pattern, being in multiple churches, that it's like, once there's this momentum— like, we were in a church, and I mean, it was growing, and we had just moved into a new building. It was like this beautiful time of, like, growth and explosion, and all these good things happened. And then that's when Satan comes after the church, and he's like, "Oh, no, no, no, no. We're gonna put the kabosh on this, and we're gonna—" you know, stir things up, and it seems like the storms always come from the inside. And so there was conflict among the leadership, and it just turned really, really terrible. There was actually a group in the church that started meeting secretly and didn't tell the pastors or the elders. And then one day, Gregg got certified mail delivered to the office, and it was a petition signed by these people that they wanted to remove him and all the elders. Basically, "We want all the leadership of the church out, and we want to get rid of you all." But I think the hardest part of that was that I saw, like, some of my friends' names on that list, and that was just so heartbreaking. Like, what? How is this happening? And, you know, we tried, we brought in a mediator, we tried reconciliation, we tried all of these things, and it just, it didn't go the way it could have gone. And then in the midst of that season, you know, the elders were very supportive and the leadership of the church had kind of stuck with us. And at one point, we went away to this— we had gone on vacation, and we came back from vacation. I remember I was literally unpacking my suitcase, and I said to Greg, "I'm so weary. I'm just— I'm so weary. I'm so tired." And we had just come back from vacation. And I felt like Jesus said to me in that moment, like, I— it was one of those, like, you hear the Lord in your mind say, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Like, take my yoke upon you." "Come and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart." And that invitation from Jesus was so sweet. And then not long after that, we went away to a place that was for pastors and wives who were burned out. And it was like a— it was a ministry designed specifically for pastors and wives. And we walked in the door to our— like each of us had like this little unit, and over the sliding glass door that looked out over the— it had a little balcony, but over the sliding glass door was painted, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened." And I was like, "Thank you, Lord." Yeah. I love it when he does that.

[12:32] [Andrea Griffith] Yes. When he's speaking to us, he says it over and over so we get it. Yes. You know, so we're like, "Oh, I am hearing you." Yes.

[12:40] [Teresa Whiting] Yeah. Yes. And I think during that week away, I realized that I had become not just like tired and burned out, but that's when I started noticing, like, I've become cynical. And I heard things coming out of my mouth about the church, and then I was like, church universal, and I was like, wait a minute, like, I'm talking about the Bride of Christ. Like, this is— Jesus loves the church, and I don't like her right now. So I had to really work through some bitterness. And that was when I discovered, like, the power of speaking forgiveness out loud. I remember one day we were at this place, and it was in Colorado, this beautiful place overlooking Pikes Peak, and I was alone in the room, and I started just out loud naming the people who had hurt me, you know. Lord, This person did this and it hurt. Yeah. This person said this and it hurt. And just going through and naming. Yeah. And that was such a healing process. And then saying, and I forgive them. Mm-hmm. And I forgive them over and over. And I felt like that was a turning point of, of like releasing the bitterness and kind of allowing God to heal those places of just so much hurt. Yeah. And so much wounding and, and able to then be free. Like, that person, those people didn't have a hold on me anymore. Yeah, because when you're holding that bitterness, it's like they're controlling you. Yeah, you're not even controlling yourself anymore. So I think, um, that deepened, that deepened my relationship with God, because I realized, like, his forgiveness toward me, and how could I not forgive people who've hurt me when I've hurt him over and over and over, and his forgiveness toward me. And I think To this day, I've learned how much I need to guard my own heart against bitterness and cynicism and holding on to things, and just really bringing everything before the Lord and laying it out and speaking it. Speaking it out loud was really powerful. Like, it's easy to, in your mind, say stuff, but when you hear yourself saying, "This person did this, and it hurt, and I forgive them," It's more, for me anyway, it was more of a release.

[15:09] [Andrea Griffith] Yeah, I love that. What I'm hearing in there is honesty. I don't think there's healing until we're willing to be honest with what happened, with how deeply it hurt, and then to bring that to the Lord. I can dismiss or make light of how things hurt. I remember I had a lady yell at me one day at a Christian camp. I'd asked if I could do And she yelled at me. And I was— I had hardly had any conversations with her. So, one, I was shocked. But two, I was deeply hurt and I was terrified of her. Like, I was like, "I don't ever wanna get around this lady again." And she found me the next day and she said, "Hey, yesterday when we talked, I got a little heated and I was too forceful. And did that hurt you?" And I remember lying to her. I remember covering that. I was like, "Oh, no, I'm fine." "Fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." And I never healed with that. And so, it takes me being willing, like you were, it takes us being willing to say, "This is what happened. It affected me. This is how it affected me. And now, God, help me forgive. Help me let it go." I don't think we get to the healing until we're ready to be honest. Yes. Also, in groups, I have found that as I share my story, whatever it is, with other groups of women that are gospel-centered, and they listen, and then they mirror back to me gospel truth, there's healing there for me.

[16:59] [Teresa Whiting] I think there's so much power in that being seen, you know, where you're able to say what you need, and people see, and hear, and affirm. I think that's part of that healing that you're talking about, which you've talked about. And I'm like, "Oh, that's such a beautiful community that you have." It has been.

[17:16] [Andrea Griffith] Parakaleo has helped me in every way. Yes, it has been. And that is what The Church Hub would like to offer to other pastors' wives, is a safe place where we can kind of normalize these things, but also be honest because it's a safe place, and have people who are going to speak back to you mercy and grace and the gospel. And there's healing there. So thank you for sharing that story and even how you found healing and were able to move on. I think cynicism, it can slip in so easily. It scared me.

[17:56] [Teresa Whiting] It really scared me. When I heard something come out of my mouth about the church, I was like, "Ah, like, was that me? Like, where did that come from?" Yeah, it was— It shocked me, and I was like, "This is not okay.

[18:09] [Andrea Griffith] Like, I'm not okay." Yeah, yeah, that cynicism and bitterness, it just sneaks in when we're not looking. We're looking at the hurt. I love in Hebrews where the scripture says, "See to it that no root of bitterness comes into you." And it says, "It will spring up, and it will defile many." Mm-hmm. And so, I feel like I get my eyes on the hurt. That's what it says, "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God." So, when I've got my eyes on the hurt, my eyes are not on the grace of God. And so, then, I'm getting bitter. I think of bitterness as just harbored hurt. It's just, there's a hurt and I'm harboring it, maybe even 'cause I'm just trying to figure out, "What do I do with it?" Or I'm trying to figure out, "What just happened?" Like, "I didn't even see this coming." And so, I'm harboring that hurt. But if I can be honest about the hurt, bring it to God, put it in his hands, then I'm able to look over here at the grace that he's giving me. And I'm able to let go of the hurt and leave that with him so that I can get his grace, which is readily available to me, right, for every storm that we go through. But if I'll grab a hold of the grace and let go of the bitterness— because in the verse it says that it will it will always spring up. And it says, "It will always defile many." And the people that it defiles are the people closest to me. Right. Because if it's gonna spring up in me, who's it gonna impact? The people closest to me. Right. My husband, my kids, my friends, not maybe the person that just hurt me. And so, I'm like, "Oh, Lord, I want to grab ahold of the grace." rather than continuing to hold on to this bitterness.

[20:11] [Teresa Whiting] Yeah, even like with your hands, like you can see, you have to let go of that in order to grab the grace. Like you can't hold them both at the same time.

[20:20] [Andrea Griffith] Yes. Yeah, but I try. I try a lot of times. I'm like, "I want your grace, God, but this hurts, and I'm not sure I'm ready to be over it quite yet." And so, I loved how you said, "And I forgive them." And did you feel like that brought the forgiveness? Or was there any more work that you had to do to know, "I have fully forgiven and released this"?

[20:46] [Teresa Whiting] I feel like in that particular instance, that brought a lot of freedom. Like, I felt like we went back, and I was like, "We can do this." Like, "We can keep going." And before that, I was like, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I wanna be done." And it was because I was holding that hurt and harboring it and just— that was what consumed— it was like consuming me. It was eating me from the inside. And like getting it out and releasing it brought the freedom to say, "We can go back." Like, "We can keep continuing in ministry." And there was definitely a small season where I said, "I don't— I'm like, I'm ready. Like, can you just go like be a mailman? Because, okay, so you might get bit by dogs, but that doesn't hurt as much as what's happening right now." Yeah, Trenton has talked about being a bus driver.

[21:39] [Andrea Griffith] I'm driving the Disney buses around. Oh, I know. He thinks that'd be kind of low stress versus being a pastor. Yeah. So I've heard you say, like, that you love being a pastor's wife. I love being a pastor's wife as well. But then that you hit that season where you were like, "I'm done. I'm ready to be gone." And when you were honest, and when you released the hurt, when you forgave, and I heard when you took some time for some soul care, you got away. Tell us a little bit about that.

[22:16] [Teresa Whiting] I think that is critical. And actually, Greg and I, we were talking about this, we've actually started kind of creating spaces for pastors and wives to do that. We're doing our first retreat this year. But for us, it was so healing to be— to get away. First of all, we lived in Ohio, we went to Colorado. For a week. And it was like the first 3 days were like decompression of just like, you know, kind of letting all the stress come out. And so it— the fact that it was a full week, I thought was really important. Um, it was facilitated by another pastor and his wife who are in ministry, and they weren't there as counselors but as listeners. Yeah, they were just— they let us talk and tell our story and That meant so much to us for someone safe— again, this word safe— to just be able to say, "This is what we've been walking through." And then to be around other ministry couples who were walking through things and hear their stories, and then you open your eyes and you're like, "Oh, it's not just us. We're not the only ones." And to kind of even have, like, empathy and compassion on other people and their stories, it gets you out of your little Woe is me bubble. So, I think having other couples there, the fact that it was a full week, it was beautiful. It was like in— I don't even know the name of the town, but it was like you could see Pikes Peak, and there was walking trails. And so, we would go hiking every day and just walk and be in nature. And it was beautiful. And they cooked for us.

[23:56] [Andrea Griffith] I did not have to cook.

[23:57] [Teresa Whiting] Sign me up. That was amazing. Like, it was just— It was just a real gift to get away and be able to process. 'Cause when you're in the middle of it, you can't process. It's just too close. It's in your face. So, we were able to like step back and say, "Oh, okay." Like, it gives us perspective on what was going on. It helped us to reconnect and be like, "Okay." 'Cause when you're in the middle of it, that can cause marital struggles too. Like, "What's your problem?

[24:27] [Andrea Griffith] Why are you dealing it like, you know, why are you dealing with this this way?

[24:30] [Teresa Whiting] And why are you handling it this way?" And so to be able to be like, "Okay, wait, we're on the same team. We're together here." Yes. That was helpful. I mean, it was just, it was such a gift. And it wasn't highly structured, but there were opportunities to share. There was opportunities to meet one-on-one with the facilitators. And then there was also like group dinners. And it was just, it was like the perfect blend of structure and freedom. And also just getting away and being able to breathe and process.

[25:03] [Andrea Griffith] Yeah, I love that. I'm just hearing the faithfulness of God. Yes. I'm hearing the faithfulness of God in creation. And a lot of times we find him there. Yes. You know, just the beauty of all he's made for us and that we can look at that and get our eyes off our circumstances and see the beauty of a faithful creator. And then his faithfulness in getting you away. And providing a safe space for you and Greg to get back on the same page and see his faithfulness through the empathy and compassion of other couples. And it's just so important when you're walking through storms and when you've been in ministry for any length of time. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And part of the reason for these podcasts is to hopefully provide some of that safe space for you and for your husband in ministry. And as I'm talking to you, Teresa, I'm just thinking, I'm thinking of you as the listener, and I'm wondering, do you have that space? Do you have a space in your daily life where you're able to— sometimes I just smell the roses in the grocery store as I'm walking past because I'm like, I'm going to enjoy this moment, you know? Are you creating that space every day just to enjoy what God has given? And are there times on your calendar that you've calendared, these are the times that I'm getting away with my husband? Do you have time on your calendar where you are saying, "This is the time I'm getting with other safe," either pastors' wives or friends? But I think if we don't create those, we don't have the longevity that we need. And we want to last long in ministry. We want to be faithful because we have this great God who saved us and changed our lives, and we just want to pour our lives out for others in ministry. And so thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you for sharing just the storms and how God got you out. I know you, and I know that you love the Word. Do you have a Scripture or two to close us out that have just been anchors for you in the midst of those storms?

[27:25] [Teresa Whiting] I would say a passage that has encouraged me over and over is 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, which says, "For consider your calling, brothers, Brothers and sisters, for not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth, but God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise. God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God chose what is low and despised in the world, even the things that are not, to bring to nothing the things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. He is the source of your life. In Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and our sanctification and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, let the one who boasts boast in the Lord. I think that passage just beautifully summarizes who we are and who God is.

[28:28] [Andrea Griffith] Yes, we're broken and yet beautiful. We have dignity and yet we still have depravity. We are wounded, like we talked about, and we are wounding. And yet, God still chose us. And our glory is just that we know him, that we are his children. So thank you so much for being with me today, Teresa, and thank you for sharing with all of our ministry wives that will be watching or listening. God's just made you a beautiful woman that's full of the Lord and full of Scripture.

[29:04] [Teresa Whiting] And so thank you for sharing your time with us. Us today. Thank you for having me, Andrea. I loved talking with you.

[29:12] [Andrea Griffith] Thanks for joining us today. If you'd like to learn more about The Church Hub and how we're strengthening ministry leaders and the families who walk with them, you can visit thechurchhub.org. Until we meet again, I'll be praying that you experience the nearness of Jesus.