Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
“Know Your Children with Rav Shlomo Katz” is a series about the everyday holy work of raising children with heart, patience, and honesty. Join Rav Shlomo in learning from the sefer Da Et Yeladecha by Rav Itamar Shwartz, author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, and explore how Torah and Chazal guide us in building a healthy, loving connection between parent and child.
This isn’t about perfect techniques or quick fixes. It’s about creating a foundation of truth, learning to really listen, and finding the right “funnel” so that what we want to give actually reaches our children. Each shiur is meant to be practical, gentle, and encouraging, and something you can take home and live with.
Chodesh Iyar is sponsored by the Crown family and Leverman in loving memory of their loving Abba and grandfather whose 11th Yahrtzeit is on Kaf Gimmel Iyar, נחום שמואל בן יצחק אריה. By the Silver family in memory of בתיה פייגא בת ישראל. Anonymously in memory of all the holy soldiers that gave their lives and the ones who are working tirelessly to protect the land. The week is sponsored by Miriam and Avraham Deutsch in honor of their grandson Motti becoming a Bar Mitzvah.
Mazel Tov. B'simcha. And today is sponsored by Tal, by Tal Gilboa in memory of ברכה בת יצחק הלוי, that's Tal's mother, on her 10th Yahrtzeit which is Gimmel Iyar. Okay, so we are on the page what's the page that's on? Samech Beis? Samech Beis.
Okay. So we have something today to continue what we began last week, which was a big opening for us, where we're, it's an amazing example of Kivayachol, we're speaking about okay, a good Eitzah about how not to freak out with dinner or with lunch. We were talking about Chush HaTa'am. We were talking about how it seems that the whole Shaila, the whole question of providing children with the right foods is we're trying to implement discipline.
We're trying to implement discipline into the home and not to raise spoiled children. But the whole Parsha here, the whole question here about Ta'am is so much deeper. It's so infinitely deeper than just not producing spoiled kids. It's so much deeper than that.
I mean, we began speaking about this last week, that when a kid has a Chush HaTa'am, we're saying that the taste bud is not something that they necessarily developed on their own. It's something Hashem put into us. Why do we like what we like? Why do we not like what we don't like? So we're very big to always be so hard on ourselves and oh my God, I produced such a bad habit, I produced such a bad Meshicha, such a bad attraction to something. There are things, many things, that when you ask me, why do you like this, the most Emess and honest answer is, I don't know, it tastes good.
Yeah, but why does it taste good? I don't know. I must start to explain to you why it tastes good? It's like this with a lot of things. This is the Pnimiyus of Chush HaTa'am, of the sense of taste. Why I like what I like, why do I like learning this and I don't like learning this? Because it talks to me.
Why does it talk to you? I mean, at a certain point, these questions of why do I like what I like, the answer is because Hashem made it this way. And when it comes to any person, but specifically with children, addressing a healthy approach and relationship with that which we like versus that which we don't like, there must be a recognition that it's because it's from Hashem. And when a child is, feels seen and the word that we kept on using last week, I believe was acknowledged. Acknowledging the taste bud, acknowledging what the kid likes, that in itself is a whole Parsha in Chinuch.
That's much more important than making a healthy meal versus an unhealthy meal. Much, much more important than that. So now we're going to delve deeper into this Parsha. Were there any questions until now? Or we could continue? Okay.
So you see where it says on Samech Beis, יתרונות המודעות לחוש הטעם. That means the advantage that one has for the consciousness and awareness for the sense of taste.
המודעות להבין איזה טעם אני אוהב פירושה לא להתכחש למציאות. It's a profound statement.
Lehitkachesh means to deny. So he means what he's saying over here, the awareness of what taste I like is actually the Peirush of it means not denying reality, Lo lehitkachesh lametziut. What reality? That this is what I like. This is the Metziut.
This is the reality.
וכשם שלא יעלה על דעתנו להציע לילד להתכחש למציאות שיש לו ידיים. He does something really artistic here in this piece we're learning today.
וכשם שלא יעלה על דעתנו להציע לילד להתכחש למציאות שיש לו ידיים.
We would never try to get a kid to approach the concept of being in denial that they have hands.
אפילו אם נראה לנו שכרגע אינו צריך להשתמש בהם, even though in the moment we could be in a scenario where a child should not use their hands. How many times have you said that? No hands. Don't use your hands.
Many... well, not many, whatever, you know what I mean. The more important thing is, yeah, there's moments where we want our children not to use their hands. So do we say to them, you don't have hands? Mah pitom.
And even when we say don't use your hands, we're not saying you don't have hands. We're acknowledging you have hands, don't use them. It's clear to us we'd say that if someone's about to hit a kid, if one kid's going to hit the other, it's clear to us we would say don't use your hands. But when it comes to food, it's like we act differently.
Now, ta'am has much more to do with the neshamah than perhaps the approach to hands does. Ta'am is this thing, it's a pnimiyus thing going on that we can't really explain it. So he says just like we would never tell a kid, okay, like be in denial over the existence of your hands, כך ננהג כלפי הטעם, this is how we have to, the same approach has to be towards taste, she'hi hargashah shebanefesh because taste is a hargashah, is a feeling that's in the soul, hargashah shebanefesh.
וכפי שחידדנו בראשית הדברים like we sharpened this nekudah in the beginning of what we were speaking about, שהרגשת הנפש אינה פחות מציאות מהאיברים שבגוף.
There's so much pnimiyus in this first paragraph. There's so much to unpack here. This last line is so important. Just like the taste, the feeling of the soul is real.
Not only is it real, it's no less a reality than physical limbs. It's no less a reality. Is this clear? Not really. Let's...
what question do you have on this to make it clear? I'll say it one more time and then you tell me, okay? Hargashah shebanefesh, what my neshamah feels, is no less real than the fact that I have hands and hands do things. It's no less real. The feeling of the soul is no less real than something that I could see that makes a lot more sense and I could acknowledge as something that's real. For instance, I could say it like this: is there anyone that wants to deny the fact that this is a reality, these two hands are a reality? No.
Now the problem we have is, can anyone deny the existence of my hands? Mah pitom. Can anyone deny right now the existence of my attraction to, unfortunately, to Coke Zero? No. What's the difference? One you can see. So therefore, I would think that if something that I could see, that's real reality.
I mean, obviously we see what he's doing with this, it takes us right to kiyum Hashem, to the existence of the Ribbono shel Olam. So there's no difference between the two, right? But it's just that I see something, it makes it much more easier to acknowledge its existence. Hands. But they're both tangible, but it's also your exposure.
You're exposed to Coke Zero and it's social- socially appropriate, I guess, in a certain circles, yeah. Yeah, and I guess there's a certain component that makes you feel melancholic about America or something else. There's so much more that goes in valuing your taste than just... meaning it's more emotionally triggered than hands are.
Yes, it's much more deeper and it could be, you know, manipulated by social pressures or anything else. So therefore it's easier for me to say about that, that's not really real, it's just a fabrication of your mind and it has to do with what is real and what is the environment. And that's what we're saying, right? So that's why we're saying, absolutely, even though it may be true everything you just said, I still have to acknowledge the existence of whatever it is that I come to, that it's something that's happening in my soul and it's a real- it's a real feeling. Eva, what'd you want to say? This is like reminding me of this concept of like if somebody breaks their arm, like of course you're going to go to a doctor.
Right, right. But if somebody's like depressed, then like maybe or maybe not, they might or may or may not seek help and how like one is a very accepted truth and like it's real and it's there and we can see it, and then like one is we make it a little more complicated than it needs to be. But both are very real and both need attention. Both need to be...
Right. And that's what he keeps on driving us back to. Chush Hatam is something that needs to be acknowledged. It's just that it's much harder to really like give space for the child and tell them, I completely understand and I believe you.
Then comes the however. No, that's what he said last week. Meaning the however can, if it's chinuch, right? The however can only come after an acknowledgment. That's very, very important.
That's something that I still have to work a lot on. Yeah, Mindy, you made a judgment on your on the Coke Zero and not on your hand. I didn't, she did. You said I have an addiction.
I said attraction. Attraction, it's still a judgment. Even though my wife's here, she'll say it's an addiction. I'm saying it is.
Yeah. But you didn't make a judgment on your hand. A judgment... You didn't have an adjective on your hand.
Right. Why? And why is that? It's only because it's here, it's got to be used. The sensation is not we don't we don't treat it as it's here, it has to be used. It's like it's like what Iva was saying with with depression.
It's like we don't give it we just don't give it the same kavod, I would say. We don't give it the same kavod. Now the child, what when and it's the child within the adult, when it's feeling things, it feels things way more passionately than if I if I if I stubbed my if I jammed my finger into a door. We actually feel those things that hargashot shebanefesh in a much more impact much more heavy way than the other things.
And but when we don't acknowledge that to ourselves, we do a just you know, we definitely are אנחנו לוקחים משהו מעצמנו, we're definitely like taking something away from us. But this is really strong stuff, even more so when it comes to kinder, when it comes to children, because when you approach chinuch from the way of you listen, you don't know what's good for you, I know what's good for you and we go with that approach with zero acknowledgment, what are you basically telling the child? That you can't that what you're feeling may not be real. What you like may not be real. It may be a fixation of your you're taking away their sense of of trusting themselves.
Not that you don't trust them, you're taking away from them the ability to trust themselves, to know what's going on inside of them. Right. It's just like, whatever, stupid example, but Nachi loves spicy, like crazy spicy things. And it's like, oh my God, don't eat that, like it's so spicy, like you really like he'll eat schug and stuff.
Like, he actually loves it and enjoys it. So we let him eat it. I wonder where he got that. It's true.
No, no, it's true. The natural reaction as a parent would be like, no, it's don't do it, there's no way that you actually like that. Yeah, you don't really like that. That's for adults or Yemenites that like this.
You know, I I mean, it's funny to me, it's like such a strange thing where I wonder... it's mamash a pele to me if this is nature versus nurture. I'll tell you why. I'm as as white as they come, right? When we made Aliya, I was in fourth grade and there was, I don't know if they still have it, aruchat eser.
Do they have it? So my mother, it was a big shock to her that she had to now make, bichlal, there was no food in school. Like, there's no cafeteria where the school that I went to, like many schools here. I think most schools here don't have cafeteria. America, the whole thing's the cafeteria, right? And I remember the cafeteria in in Los Angeles.
There's no cafeteria. My mother had to make breakfast, then aruchat eser, then lunch some days because that was also pretty bizarre that we'd go for a full school day that ended at 10 to 12 quite often or 1:30 was the late day. But the kids the I had a lot of Yemenite chevre in my class and they always had something that till today I eat because of them, which is shifka, the the those small hot green peppers, right? Now, I didn't grow up with that with that chush hatam. I didn't.
It was not in the it was not like a spicy menu growing up in the house. But there was something about it that I what I started doing in the beginning it was just to try to be cool or feel like I'm part of them. I would stop, I couldn't believe this, I now that I think about it, I'm like 10 years old, 11 years old, I'd stop there's a makolet right... across the street from the school and when we'd walk the school I'd go in there and I would get and ask them to put me in a tiny little container like two or three of these pilpilim and I would bring it and then add it into my hummus sandwich that was my aruchat eser and showing them that I eat this also.
Then I'd eat. The first few months, tears, burning, my face was... right? But and then I started drinking water afterwards and the water made it worse, worse. After a while though you develop a stamina, you start to eat them.
Now some can say to me, you didn't really like it, stop doing it. Now in the beginning I don't know, uvda that I like it, and our son actually sees these, we still have these hot foods around the house. The point is the acknowledgment of do you like it or not. For when a parent comes and says, I know that since this is bad for you, this is what's going on in the mind, right, of an adult.
I know that since this is bad for you, acknowledging that you like it is dangerous. Why? Why is that dangerous? Because what am I doing when I acknowledge that there's something that you like that I think is bad for you? What's the fear? If I acknowledge something the kid likes that's bad for them, what do I say to myself as a parent? I'm failing. I'm failing as a parent. I'm enabling.
I'm enabling. Now you can acknowledge something without being an enabler. That's the point. And there's a huge merchak, there's a huge distance between acknowledgment and enabling.
We're going to see he's going to build this whole concept. But I have to acknowledge, this is what's so important, I have to, just like this is what's so chashuv. Hargasha she-ba-nefesh. Hargasha she-ba-nefesh is something that needs to be taken seriously and here in Shira David I think we're very big on this, right? Hargasha she-ba-nefesh is something that needs to be acknowledged and taken with utmost seriousness.
Let's continue. Dugma la-davar.
ישנם איברים מסוימים בגוף שהם מציאות בפני עצמה. There are certain limbs in the body that are their own entity, their own reality.
Not reality; it really means its own entity.
ולעתים אנו צריכים להסיר חלק מהם, and sometimes even though they're real we have to rid ourselves of some of it, like what? Tzipornayim, like nails.
כגון שציפורניים שגדלות על הידיים, like nails.
ואנו מורידים את חלקם מדי פעם, and occasionally we cut the nails.
ומכל מקום איננו עוקרים אותן מהשורש, but we don't uproot it from its root.
או השערות שגדלות על הראש ואנו מספרים אותם כפי הצורך, with haircuts in accordance to need. Same thing.
ומכל מקום הציפורניים והשערות נשארות חלק בלתי נפרד מהגוף ואיננו מתכחשים למציאותם.
Even though these are things that are removed from the body occasionally when needed, we don't deny its existence, we acknowledge that it's there. But it has to be shed certain times.
וכשם שבאיברים הפיזיים ישנם דברים שמחד הם חלק בלתי נפרד מהגוף, just like with physical limbs there are things that from one hand they are inseparable from the body, ואנו מודעים לכך שהם קיימים, and we're very aware and conscious that they exist, ומאידך איננו קובעים אותם במסמרות, and on the other hand, even though we know, so again even though we know they're inseparable from the body, but on the other hand, how do you say this?
ומאידך איננו קובעים אותם במסמרות. What would be the right way to...
it's a little bit hard to translate. We don't nail them down. We don't, yeah let's say we don't nail them down. So too with hush ha-ta'am, with the sense of taste, ka'asher...
this is so so important. Look at this.
כאשר נעודד את הילד, when we cheer on a kid and we push them, we encourage them, לחדד לעצמו איזה אוכל ערב לחיקו, when we encourage them to find out and discover what food is arev le-cheko, that means desirable to your palate, right?
יש בכך תועלת חשובה מאוד, we're doing something huge. Even if we know that...
the kid might discover that what they like is something that we would not want them to have. It's like this, the tension here is very interesting. What we have to do is encourage the child, let's discover what you like, right? Now I have to be open to the fact that what they like is something that I would never voluntarily choose to put on their table, on the plate. But if I don't go with the child to try to discover the chush hatam, what am I giving over to the child? A very confined way of them getting in touch with themselves.
Now there's dangers here obviously. What's a clear and present danger with this type of mahalach hachashava? What if a child discovers, forget about chush hatam with food, it's manageable to a certain extent. But is this true across the board in terms of trying to get a child in touch with a certain feeling that they have of being drawn to something? Trust, they're kind of learning to distrust themselves when you're making decisions for them. No for sure.
But what's the danger in going full-on in that direction? It's in America now where three-year-olds can decide if they're male or female. Oy Hashem yerachem. So I mean obviously we should be in healthy societies but let's say even within a healthy society, even within the framework of a healthy upbringing v'chulai. The reason why I'm being hesitant to go deeper into here because someone may say something that in a certain home is totally fine and in another home it's not fine, so I'll be the only one that does this right now because I have to give some concrete example.
We've been very big trying as much as we can since Nachman was born regarding toy guns. An inyan, toy guns. It's enough that he is living in a war and very conscious of and he's five, right? So what's the, let's take that as an example. Is it okay? Just that as an example and I'm not passing any judgment on other homes that have enabled children to play with toy guns, it's michlal lo.
Each home is their own zach, okay? What could be the danger of let's say, hey Nachmi, what toys do you like the most? What's the hargasha shebanefesh regarding toys, right? What could be the danger with that if our mahalach of life is like I'd rather him not have- I'm sure he sees this at friends' homes or maybe even in camps or in school. What could be the danger with going full-on and saying hey get in touch with your chush hatam? Clear. You may be led to be drawn to something that is a violent that could be generally in the world used as omnam a protective thing as he's also seen that by chayalim, but also something that has within it an aggressive violent element. So at what point, if bichlal, do you draw a line in terms of getting a kid to get in touch with their hargasha shebanefesh? That's the question.
Is there a line over here? Yeah, but I think like you said that there's a big distance between acknowledging and enabling. I think as adults this is a problem we get into a lot with ourselves is like we want to pretend we don't have a yetzer for something and like we don't want something when the reality is like, yes I want this and I have a higher order of thinking or a moral code or halacha that tells me that like I can't act on this desire. Well an adult hopefully has that but with a child? No, so I'm saying with kids I think like it's always okay to acknowledge the desire that doesn't mean that you allow them to then act on it, like a kid could want to play with something, kids could want to watch TV all day but like typically unless maybe we're in middle of a war we're not gonna let them do that. But that doesn't mean the desire's gone and I don't think acknowledging that desire is ever a problem, it's like what's the next step that I think becomes sticky here.
Yafeh. Okay, that's very good. So you're saying so this is very important. So you're saying desire is hargasha shebanefesh let's say that just for our terminology, desire is hargasha shebanefesh and we have to find the place where- it goes back really to the question I asked before let's just stay with this for a second so a hargasha shebanefesh by a child, by a parent when they have it and they know it's not right we have hopefully we set ourselves up with a seder arachim with a what's that? Value system? Value system and ethical system and a seder so we know how to deal with it.
But to expect that to be understood by a child is a very big thing. To expect a child to understand your own internal moral value system is a very, very high thing, very hard thing, and guess what? That's what's called Chinuch. That actually is what Chinuch is, meaning how it's implemented. How you give over to your children the things that to you are valuable.
It doesn't mean, this is a whole another chapter in here, it doesn't mean that you sit down and you tell your child, "Do you know what kind of Taiva I have for that? You wouldn't believe how, but look, I'm so strong." That's he, he's a whole chapter on this. How much do you share with your, we touched upon this months ago. There's a whole chapter on this. How much do you share with your children? Not about your past, about your Taiva, just about what you want right now that you don't do.
Like we brought up last week without making anyone feel guilty. We don't wake up in the morning exhausted and tell our children, "Get out of, you know, we have to get out of bed," and then the kid says, "I'm tired," and then you say back to them, "Do you know how tired I am right now, but I still get up?" That doesn't, that's not really the way that it'll, that any kid'll be like, "Oh, well if you could do it, I could do it too." I don't think that. Meaning, but to go on what you're saying, Aliza, what Shtims in my mind and what enables me to function is not necessarily the way that a child's going to have the Koach to figure out how to להתגבר על חוש הטעם even once it's been acknowledged. So there's deep Avodah here, there's a deep Mahalach here of what he's trying to build here and saying how do you give that over? How do you give over that value system to your child while acknowledging that what they want is real.
That's the most important thing for him. What they want is real. Is it unhealthy? Is it damaging? Could very well be. But the desire itself is Amiti.
Just like they have hands. Yeah. Sorry, I think also like the only way they can get to that value system is if there's a place for their desires because if, I think there's a pitfall of Chinuch that's like, "No, like of course you want to keep Shabbos and of course," like no, like you want to play with like the noisy toy, and you know you have to introduce Shabbos within an acknowledgment of those desires. So I think there're like, like the acknowledgment of the desires is a stepping stone toward that value system and if you skip that step then you end up with a value system that's not like connected to who the person really is.
This is kind of where he's taking us to. Yeah. This is very good. But someone else had their hand, I forget, okay.
Yeah. I'm just curious because of like when it comes to things like my son doesn't like team things and I want to sign him up for the basketball team and he's freaking out, right? And I'm trying to help him and get him to speak. He's not wanting to talk about it. But then there's this other area of Judaism where observance, you know, he doesn't want to wear a Kippah and he doesn't want to do this and he doesn't want to do that, right? And then that's like a whole other I think, I don't know if it's a delicate, that's a more delicate thing or if, I don't know if subjects of, well where's the common denominator between both? They're acknowledged, acknowledgment, yeah, acknowledging their feelings.
Right. After that it's already different Parshas but the initial state is the acknowledgment of what they're feeling. Right. Yeah.
I think we've advanced tremendously as a society in this area because when we were younger, if let's say a boy didn't want to wear his Kippah, the belt. Right, but that's why no one, that's why no kid would ever whatever tell their parent they don't want to wear a Kippah, what would they do? They'd put it on around their parents and not wear it outside. Yeah. Meaning they would, they would, or like or like girls I know that wanted to dress Untznius but they would never in a million years you know tell their parents or ask their parents or whatever because of the certain Eimas Hapachad that was instilled in the home.
So they have a bag waiting for them outside to jump out the, go on and then they change and they change back. But there was no, even there wasn't even room for there to be, you know, to be an expression of "This is how I want to dress." And I think it's because parents weren't equipped with the type of Dibur and Sicha. I mean there's many reasons but one of them may be is that no, no parent was ever explained told that like you know that acknowledging your child is like a whole part of this whole thing called relationship. It's part of a thing called relationship, acknowledgment is like a big thing in relationships, right? So I think we've evolved to a certain extent, I don't know how if we've gotten down to it of course not, we're still on our way.
But that's why both situations of the team and not wearing a Kippah they share the same common. place of okay let's I hear you. In my mind I may think you're such a stupid little idiot, right? No, no, I'm not saying that. Chas Veshalom, I'm not saying that you, I didn't mean that about you, I meant that that in our minds we may be thinking about our children about certain desires that they have, Eize yeled katan, what a little kid, you don't know anything about the world.
That's also not good. I just I go into such guilt of like wanting to fix it, wanting to please it, wanting to, you know, like okay, okay and that's where... yeah, but we're not dealing so much with those things here. The enabling part is what it is.
Nachon, definitely, but we're less talking about like those methods, here we're really just speaking about this as a hashkafa and a general approach to realizing the awesome privilege that Hashem trusts us with these souls and He gave them to us in the form of bodies, pieces of Him, just in the form of a body. Stikel Elokus we call them. Little pieces of Hashem, right? Us too, but they are for us. And we show that we're human as well as them, is that the acknowledgment that like I hear you because I am that way too? Well, that's the...
again, to what extent do you say to them, you know, I also want these things and how do you say such words? Right? That's a whole other parsha. We're sticking here with the acknowledgment first. Okay. Turn the page, right?
יש בכך תועלת חשובה מאוד.
There's a tremendous advantage when you encourage your child to find out what they like.
שבכך אנו גורמים לו להיות מודע לעצמו, because we're causing a child to be aware of themselves, to get to know themselves, to see sides of themselves to le'olam harigshot shelo, to be open to their inner world of feelings and of emotions, ושלא יתכחש לדבר שהוא חלק בלתי נפרד מהמציאות שלו, and that they shouldn't deny the piece of them that is inseparable from their reality, which is olam harigshot, which is the emotional world. It's inseparable from the reality just like their hands are inseparable from their reality. You can't deny it.
Ein mah la'asot. It's very sad. Some parents walk around their whole lives thinking I wish my child not didn't do what they're doing, but it's even worse when they say I wish my child didn't want what they want or didn't feel what they feel. That's infinitely worse because what you're basically saying is I wish they'd be different people.
That's really what you're saying. No child and children that grow up in homes where they feel like their parents generally feel about them when they look at them like I really wish you were just, you could say whatever you want, but the child's interpretation of it is I wish you were just a different person. That's horrible. Right? No one wants that and we wouldn't want to have grown up in homes like that and we never ever want to give it to our children and I don't think we are, Baruch Hashem for the most part, but he's making us aware of dangers that we could fall into very easily, very easily.
אלא כשם שקוצצים את הציפורניים ומספרים את השערות, just like you get haircuts and just like you cut your nails, כמו כן ישנה עבודה נאצלה להתעלות מעל חוש הטעם הגשמי ולהסירו. Okay, this is deep work. He says there's this avodah ne'etzalah. You know where that word comes from? Is that from...
yeah, atzil, atzilus. In kabbalistic terminology there's four worlds, I'm not this is not the shiur on this you know, but it's all connected.
אצילות בריאה יצירה ועשיה. Atzilus in the way that I learned it in the most sweetest way is that it doesn't just come from atzil meaning noble, this world of nobility, but it also is comes from the word etzel, you're right by Hashem.
It's like the closest to Hashem, etzel Hashem. You ever hear that? It's like a very special thing, etzel. So in a noble and Godly way, he's saying there's an עבודה להתעלות מעל חוש הטעם. It's not disacknowledging it, but it's what? Going above it? Going above it, but then he says a hard word.
ulehasiro. And to remove it. But don't think that you could remove... remove it before acknowledging it.
Now he's speaking about specific things that are very—not like green pepper, not like what we brought before about the hot peppers. Here we're speaking about things הרגשה שבנפש שצריך להסירו. I'll give you the greatest example. Hashem Yerachemanus.
If a child has a desire to stop living, what are you going to say? Let's acknowledge that. Let's acknowledge that. I want you to be in touch with your emotions. Let's acknowledge it.
Chas v'shalom. But on the other hand do you tell your child, "No, you don't want to end your life, you're stam, you're lying"? What do you do with that when you say that, Chas v'shalom? It's just as bad. It's just as bad. So what's the avodah in this situation when if a child Chas v'shalom says, "I have no desire to live anymore"? With this type of framework, so there is the concept of acknowledgment, which is very, very, very crucial and important in this place.
But an acknowledgment that has no sense of leading to enabling, rather to the other place, which is להתעלות מעל המציאות של החוש, which is to elevate to a higher place that's higher than the meshicha to something like this, and then lehasiro, and then to remove it. Because that's what we'd want. We'd want the child to remove this ratzon of something so horrific. I gave a very extreme example, but there are also less extreme examples where acknowledgment shouldn't be leading at all to a sense of enabling, because we know that it's mamash damaging.
For instance, I mean this is one that's more common in Chutz La'aretz, intermarriage. Intermarriage is a great one. I mean it's not a great one. It's an example, it's a great example.
Why is intermarriage a great example for what we're learning over here? Because if you think that when your child Chas v'shalom goes off to college somewhere in America and meets Derek or you name it, right? And Jenny, who's really Rivka, Chaya Rivka, or whatever her name is, which she has no shaichus to that, she has hargasha she'ba'nefesh. Are you going to deny what she's feeling? Those feelings are real. Absolutely real. Those feelings of love.
But what does the Alter Heim say? Like what does old school say about these things? When if a Jewish girl would go off the campus and she'd meet this guy, so she comes back home and it's like for the first time there's like a Jewish attack in the house. Suddenly, suddenly they care, right? Or chalila, let's say it's a frum home and this happens. So what would be unfortunately the approach of many years of practice? It would be that when a girl comes home with a with a non-Jew, hitkachashut shel hametziut. It's like no, this is a real hargasha she'ba'nefesh.
Don't tell me it's not real. And if you keep on pushing me saying to me I gotta just take you to a shrink and get out of this, then I'm gonna go for it even more because this is a hargasha she'ba'nefesh. Don't tell me it's not real. So what's the avodah? Enabling, no.
Acknowledging, yes. But what am I acknowledging? Feelings. That's it. I'm acknowledging that what you're feeling is actually happening.
What's so scary about that? Well, it's scary if you don't have any sense of how to then what he said over here, עבודה נאצלה להתעלות מעל חושתם. Do you have the ability, do you have the chochma to go and elevate yourself above the sense of taam, and then lehasiro, and then to remove it? That's a high avodah. That's a hard, hard avodah. I mean I gave two pretty extreme examples, but just showing that we would do anything in certain situations to acknowledge and then go to a place of let's how do we remove this inyan from the pshat.
It's like this sickness that Am Yisrael has thinking that there's ever going to be peace with Nazis that live right here. It's a it's a sickness. So I first have to acknowledge that I'm in a dimyon, I really have a feeling of I believe there could be peace. Like I have a feeling.
Like don't diss that. You know there are a lot of chevra that they do you can't like say to them your shtuyot, ma pitom. You have to acknowledge that these are feelings that I have that I want there to be peace and I believe that there could be peace. But at this shlav in our lives, it's like to any bar daas that's working with like an ounce of a brain, they understand that that's not the mahalach that Hashem has shown us over and over again.
We're moving to a different place. But I have to go me'al chush hatam. The taam over here is peace, coexistence, all this stuff. You could coexist with maybe zero point zero zero five of the Arab population Eretz Yisrael today.
And you could with those point zero zero five, one hundred percent. There's some righteous, very few. There are some righteous ones. Chush hatam says everybody, it'll be good.
Yom Hazikaron is this week. This is the week of emotions like it's no one's business. So you have to go above that, me'al chush hatam of it feels good and go to a place of le'asiro, to remove the imminent threat of October 7th happening all over this country. Wouldn't you do anything in the world to do that? You would do anything to remove that threat.
Would you? That's very another shaila. It's easy to say that. What I'm trying to say is that just because we have feelings that doesn't mean that it's good for us. But the feelings are real.
That's very important. So as he ends here, אולם תחילה יש להכירו היטב. You first have to get to know this world of emotions very well. You have to really understand these world of emotions.
ורק אחר כך להסירו. And only remove it afterwards. Let's just take the first two examples because the other one is too emotionally triggering, the last thing I said. But the first two, very clearly, chas v'shalom a child wants to stop living, God forbid.
He's saying over here be'emet and this is their chush hatam for a second. Or God forbid there's like a ratzon for intermarriage, right? You can't just knock it out and say it's not real. You have to lehakiro, you have to get to know it. Only after you get to know it then it can be le'asiro.
Why is that? Why do you think only after you get to know it can it then be removed? Until something once it's known, if you don't know it there's nothing to do with. I know that Jews and non-Jews shouldn't get married. Is that not enough? No, I'm saying if you don't acknowledge the feeling that this person has then there's nothing to work on. If you only want to acknowledge that there's something over there is there something to work with.
If you tell them there's nothing to work with. Anything if you're going to in your head tell yourself that it's not there, you're going to make it happen. Right, you yourself will be the cause of what you don't want to happen. Right, chas v'shalom.
Yeah. Okay, let's go a bit more.
אומנם בהקשר לכך קיימת נקודה מאוד מאוד עדינה. So there's a very, how would you, what's your name in English? How do you connect to your name in English? How would you say if someone said what does your name mean? What would you say? Adina's gentle.
Right, that's the best way. Okay, so let's say like this. There's a very gentle nekuda that we have to be very, very aware of here.
שהרי מצד אחד אי אפשר להפוך את האוכל לעבודה זרה.
Oh, this is amazing. This is very interesting. What does it mean you can't change the food to avoda zara?
שהנושא הנידון בבית מסביב לשעון יהא אודות האוכל האהוב עלינו. Oh, you have to acknowledge and get to know what's the inyan? Let's speak about this all day long and discuss that thing which your child says they feel an attraction to.
They have a ratzon for.
וכמובן שבית אשר העיסוק סביב האוכל נעשה בו בצורה מופרזת זו תופעה שלילית ובלתי חינוכית בעליל. He's saying any home that the conversation around food is the main conversation of the day, that's a bad, like if that's taking up most of the dibbur in the house, go to Ilana's shiurim. It's bilti chinuchi ba'alil.
Ulam me'idach. Like that's just an inyan of how chinuch is running in the home. This should not be the conversation that takes most of the time in the home. Ulam me'idach.
חוסר התייחסות מוחלט לחוש הטעם שלנו באוכל but then saying not speaking about food at all עלול לגרום לניוון של עולם ההרגשות בנפש האדם. Okay this is interesting. You know chas veshalom you know what nivun shririm is? How do you say that in English? Atrophy? Atrophy? Atrophy? Atrophy of muscles? Yeah but there's another term for it. Nivun I mean maybe maybe that is but nivun shririm it's a I think it's MS.
I think that's how they say MS in Hebrew nachon? MS is tareshet nefutza. But is that what you meant? Tareshet nefutza is MS right? But it's the same mishpacha she-lo neda okay? So he's saying not giving any hityachasut at all can cause ניוון של עולם ההרגשות בנפש האדם. It causes the same thing in your world of in your world of feelings and of emotions.
לכן צריך לנהוג בנושא זה בפיקחות.
You have to be very smart when approaching this inyan ולהקפיד שתחום זה לא יהווה נושא מרכזי מדי בבית. On the one hand it can't be the central main conversation in the home ולמאידך לדאוג שהוא יהיה קיים במינון נמוך. But it's got to be it's got to show up and be part of a conversation but on a very low teder a very low dose yes al menat really for the sake that הילד לא יתכחש למציאות של עולם ההרגשות שלו. It's like we don't want to be too extreme in either way.
There's got to be pikchut. There's got to be like Ha-Rambam speaks about like derech ha-emtza. There has to be this middle ground here. And it's it's not easy.
If I meaning if I was sitting with ha-mechaber while he's writing this right now I would say to him and the truth is he would mekabbel this because he's written about this in other places. I would say now is where you talk about hitbodedut that a parent has to have and talking to Hashem about this because no matter how many etzos they may read from a shiur from a sefer on chinuch each parent and their relationship with each child is so unique and it's so special and it's so not and can't be compared to how anything works in any other home and that's why a parent has to daven and pour out their heart and soul to Hashem to reveal to the to them like what is how do I speak to it in my home and then it's not just your home. If you have more than one child then that child has to hear this inyan of balance differently and these are things that must be davened over. I just don't know any other way for even with all the chachmos we learn as to how what what we should do to get it from ha-da'as into the lev.
This is this is only through through really standing before Hashem and saying only You only You can really explain to me how to take any of this and make it in a make it manifest in a healthy and real way ein metziut acheret. Especially since of what how we learned it or maybe not you because your parents were perfect yeah. Of course mine's a little bit like don't do that. It's only you and your story.
Everyone else you have to have pikchut. Yeah with my kid who has a feeding disorder and it influences the sibling and it's very hard to his thoughts about food are always influencing the conversation and it's consuming be-tach it's like a whole mood in the house because it's such a difficult topic and you know all the therapies and things that we've taken undertaken for all those years it's not going to you know change the mood of the house that's kind of the situation. Nachon. To remind everyone why dafka he could have chosen to teach this whole mahalach with anything but the reason obviously that he brought up dafka ochel and he said this in the beginning is just because of דברים שבכל יום.
It's just that it's things that are every single day. It's one of the yeitzer? It's one of the yeitzer of the person. But it's the yeitzer of a person that is not that can't be can't be shut down and on the other hand can't be let to go and and it's something that every single day we're involved with. Other yeitzariem that we have maybe real are not yeitzariem that we're involved with every day.
They're like the ones that come up when they come up but food comes up when they come up. Okay so I just want to do one more paragraph if that's okay. Achen. Third bottom paragraph.
אף שעיקר המטרה הוא מודעות עצמית לעולם ההרגשות. The purpose and our chinuch way of approaching this is to get a child to be in touch with their inner world of feelings.
אולם ישנם רווחים עקיפים אשר נוכל להפיק מכך. We can learn much more, we can get much more from this approach of trying to bring a child to get to know their inner world better.
L'mashal.
כאשר האמא רוצה להכין לכבוד יום הולדת של הילד ארוחה חגיגית כמובן שאם היא תדע איזה אוכל הוא אוהב במיוחד תהיה לה אפשרות להעניק לו את תשומת הלב בכך שתכין לו את סוג האוכל החביב עליו. What's a benefit you get from the child getting to know what their inner world of emotions is all about when it comes to chush hatam? That you could actually make their special day be even more special. So you understand we're not saying here that everything the child's going to discover when they get a sense of their taste buds is bad.
There will be things they discover that we maybe we have to lehorid hiluch or l'hasir or to remove. But you could also discover don't be so freaked out when you acknowledge the child's inner world of emotions a lot of the things they're going to discover are gevalt, are great, they're wonderful things. You see it's like Rav Kook speaks about this the problem I mean he was speaking about this in the 20s 1920s. It's funny we're in the 20s but the 1920s.
He was speaking about radiation and chemotherapy radiation he was speaking about it was there chemotherapy back then? No radiation I think. And he was saying that one of the things that happens unfortunately with this type of tipul is that it definitely kills the bad cells but it also kills the good cells right? And he's in a mahalach a geoni way in Orot HaTshuvah he explains that tshuvah global tshuvah will enable the methods of medicine to only focus on killing the bad cells in the future. That's an amazing it's an amazing concept right? So it's the same exact thing over here is like with our real tshuvah and real approach to Hashem throughout the whole process we'll be able to extract from a child's discovery of what's going on inside those things that'll be great. You know let's say a kid wants something that's not the healthiest but we find out they really love it.
We'd be so happy to give it to them on special occasion be great. The problem is is that we're so we don't know how to balance the two and therefore we shut the door on the whole thing of acknowledgement. So we never figure out on the one hand what's really bad for them which it may people parents will be like I'd rather that let's just not even go there but you also don't figure out you never find out what mamash makes a child dance inside. Right? It's am I being clear? Not so much huh? Yeah? Okay.
He's saying that's one of this benefits that happens when you introduce a child to their inner world of thoughts and feelings. Like honestly I give us a bracha even though we're saying very heavy things here be excited about this process of acknowledgement of your child's chush hatam. Why? Because you may get to find out they may share with you things that brings them a lot of joy that you'd be happy to bring them more of. But the only way to do that is by giving them access to or showing them that it's okay and acknowledging it's good to find out inside what's going on.
And then you're a benefactor as well. So it's good things as well even though obviously the avodah is in the chinuch is in the other way it's not only there the chinuch is also finding out the good points as well if not even more than the bad. Yeah. I think part of that also is like being able to put for something that is not obviously bad but maybe is just not something that you would like is being able to put your own feelings and likes and dislikes aside and appreciating that like you like I have a child who loves gymnastics it's like gives her so much joy and she loves it it's just not something I would ever choose as an activity that I would love but to not try to like take that away and be like don't you want to like dance instead? not something that's bad, it's great and she should enjoy it and she should be encouraged.
Whatever there are a million things, a million examples you could apply but I think that's something that's sometimes for us as parents is hard so like take yourself out of the equation and your own opinion about it and like let them grow the way that they want to. Oh right, it doesn't say חנוך לנער על פי דרכך. What about if like mine wants to live in Florida? Does not want to live here. I can't like that's different right like it's a little bit of a different than gymnastics versus dance yeah.
I gave a very simple one. Huh? I stuck with a very simple one. I'm sure there are other examples as well that are not as dramatic as that but we have to stop here for today we'll continue Be'ezrat Hashem. There may or may not be shiur next week it depends on a few things I'll send out a message okay שבוע של נחמה לעם ישראל.
Amen.