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Helping couples discover the why behind the what in their marriage with Chris and Beth Bruno and Tracy Johnson of ReStory Counseling.
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Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab with Restory Counseling, where we help you explore the why behind the what. Because guess what? We believe that your marriage is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be explored and enjoyed. We believe that the more you explore and know your story, the deeper your marriage connection will be. This podcast is now the audio version of our new YouTube channel, Thrive Marriage Lab.
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where each week you can expect us to help you cultivate connection and belonging without the fixing and tips and common things you often hear in the marriage space. So find us on YouTube or listen in.
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Every process of healing in a relationship requires some level of risk, some level of risk. And now I don't mean like the jump out of an airplane risk or jumping off of a cliff risk or, you know, even kind of going out and doing something new and exciting kind of risk. That's not the kind of risk I'm talking about. I'm talking about the relational risk that occurs in order for you to step into some kind of new way of relating risk.
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is required for new pathways, new ways of experiencing relationship to develop. So that's what we're gonna talk about today, especially in the space where one of the pair, either you or the spouse, are experiencing some level of emotional unavailability that you're not present and available enough to connect to as a spouse. If one of you is experiencing that, we're gonna talk about what is it gonna take for you to take a step of risk.
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in the context of rebuilding a relationship together. Welcome to the Thrive Marriage Lab. My name is Chris Bruno, and I'm a licensed professional counselor. And together with my wife, Beth, and our colleague, Tracy Johnson, we post videos to help you understand the why behind the what. Because we believe that the more that you explore and know your story, the deeper your connection will be. For many couples, risk is a four-letter word. Risk.
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It means so much trepidation, it means so much challenge, it means I have to try something new, it means I'm stepping out into what feels like a very fragile and unstable territory. Risk is a four-letter word for almost every couple. And you guys, it is the thing that is required in order for you to rebuild some kind of relational connection with one another. We have to take risks.
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And those risks are relational risks that require a couple of things. The first thing it requires is for you to be authentic. Authentic meaning that you are telling the truth of your experience. You are actually saying what is true about what it feels like when you're in the context of relationship with your spouse. Okay, so that is a risk, of course, being authentic with your spouse. It requires you showing up and saying a few things that-
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that may be experienced on the other side as correcting or as demeaning or something, but you're gonna do everything that you can to share it in an authentic way that is true to you and not harmful to the other. Okay, so that's the authentic. But the next level below that is also required, and that is being vulnerable. The way that I like to think about this is if authenticity,
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is I'm letting you kind of peer into, through that outdoor window, you're standing on my, on my front porch and you're peering through the window into my living room. That is authenticity. You're standing on the porch, you're still outside, but I'm gonna give you an authentic look into what it feels like to be in here. Okay, that's authenticity. Vulnerability, you guys, is when you take the step, one step further, and you don't just look through the window, but you invite that person into your house. And you invite them to come and sit down with you in your living room.
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and have a conversation, that's vulnerability. That actually means that you're opening yourself up, and this is why it's another level of risk, you're opening yourself up to be impacted in some way. We keep people on the other side of the door because we're afraid that they're gonna do something harmful to us. But if we keep them on the other side of the door, we also don't open the door to the possibility that they may want to love us, that they may want to be with us, that they may want to care for us.
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And so if all that we're doing is key is sharing an authentic side of ourselves, we're actually keeping our spouse outside the door and not letting them in to have some kind of impact. The reality is that if we are protecting ourselves from harm, we're also keeping ourselves from love. And so that risk is actually necessary to both be authentic, to tell the truth about your experience, but then be vulnerable with your spouse to invite them into what it actually feels like. So,
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as you are in the space where you've recognized that one of you or both of you is emotionally unavailable, I think the risk is going to be two things. If you're the one who's experiencing the unavailability, to risk saying some things, to risk moving towards some feeling, and you might need to like tune into your body, you might need to tune into your mind, your heart, your soul, in order for you to like, okay, what am I actually feeling right now in the moment? Am I feeling?
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Welcome, am I feeling scared? Am I feeling anxious? What am I actually feeling? And allow yourself to feel that sit without feeling for a little bit and then verbalize that feeling with your spouse. That's gonna be risky because like I said in previous videos, back in the day when you were a child, to share those kinds of things got shut down. It was not safe, which is why now you're gonna risk again to find out is it safe? Is it safer? Is that same narrative from back in the day?
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is that same narrative of the case still today. So it's gonna require some level of risk for you to share. And then for the spouse who's listening, for you to kind of listen with ears of kindness. We're gonna talk about kindness in another video, but to listen with ears of kindness, not in judgment, but to sit with that spouse going, okay, this is not right now about me. This is about a narrative, kind of an arc, a way of being a default ruts, whatever you wanna call it of being a relational style.
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that has been kind of implanted, imprinted into the hard drive of my spouse. Now they're trying to take some risks. What they're sharing with me is not really about me, it's actually about that. And for you to stay present as much as you can in your own emotional availability to them to take some of those risks. I know that as a result of you having an emotionally unavailable spouse, you may not have a lot of capacity to offer them. You may not have a lot of empathy.
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offer them, you may feel at the end of your rope. And you guys, I completely understand that. I completely understand how and why you would get there. And I actually believe that you're watching this video because you have some level of hope, you have some level of desire to reignite some kind of connection with your spouse. So your risk is for you to stay present. Your risk is to offer your empathy. Your risk is to take the invitation, at least knock on the door and see if your spouse would be willing to.
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kind of let you come into the living room of their lives and then sit down and just see what you can find and see how present you can be in the context of their story and their understanding of where this all came from and what it feels like to be them on the inside. Because I can also tell you that to be emotionally unavailable does not feel good. Does not feel good. It feels hollow. It feels lonely. It feels confusing.
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It may feel numb and numb might be the better thing than to actually feel the big feelings, but at the end of the day, it's pretty lonely. And so some of the risk for the two of you to take, risk speaking what it feels like, risk listening to what it feels like. Those are the two risks that I wanna encourage you to take as you're developing a deeper sense of emotional connection with one another. It is not gonna happen overnight. It is not gonna happen in a week or a month. It's gonna happen over the course of time. And as I have said,
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probably also working with some professional who can help you navigate through these things. But by large, if you wanna start having a couple of those conversations at home, please do. So in the next video, we are gonna talk about the power of kindness and how kindness actually moves us into the place of change that it validates the risks that are being taken and it moves us into a completely different space. Stay tuned.
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If you like this, there's more where that came from. Go to Thrive Marriage Lab on YouTube to check out all of the marriage resources we have for you. We are so committed to helping you develop a deeper and more connected relationship that we have created 12 free curated date guides to walk you through one year of good.
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dates that we believe take you beyond your average date night to the kind of connection you really want. So head over to restory.life/thrive-dates or just look in the show notes to subscribe to get those for free in your inbox for one year. And if you're curious about us, you can find us over at restory.life where we look forward to hearing about how your marriage continues to grow. See you same time, same place.
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next week.