Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
You’re tired.
Not just physically; though yeah, that too.
You’re tired in your bones. In your soul.
Trying to be a steady husband, an intentional dad, a man of God… but deep down, you feel like you’re falling short. Like you’re carrying more than you know how to hold.
Dad Tired is a podcast for men who are ready to stop pretending and start healing.
Not with self-help tips or religious platitudes, but by anchoring their lives in something (and Someone) stronger.
Hosted by Jerrad Lopes, a husband, dad of four, and fellow struggler, this show is a weekly invitation to find rest for your soul, clarity for your calling, and the courage to lead your family well.
Through honest stories, biblical truth, and deep conversations you’ll be reminded:
You’re not alone. You’re not too far gone. And the man you want to be is only found in Jesus.
This isn’t about trying harder.
It’s about coming home.
Hey guys. Welcome back to the Dad's Tired podcast. It's good to be with you. If you're brand new to the Dad's Tire Podcast. Welcome. We're a ministry, we're not just a podcast, but we are focused on, we are committed to helping men lead their family well. And uh, we have the podcast, we sit down every week.
We don't take ourselves very seriously, but we do take. Our role as the spiritual leader of our home pretty seriously, and we take Jesus seriously. And so we sit down every week and we just talk about what does it look like for us as men to try to lead our families well, to fall more in love with Jesus and help our families do the same.
We also have a community of thousands of guys from all over the world who are serious about this stuff. So again, we have a podcast, but even more than that, we have a community of guys who are really serious about this stuff, trying to encourage each other. To push each other to be the men that God's called us to be.
These guys are from all over the world, all walks of life, but one thing in common, and that is to be the men God's called us to be. So we'd love to have you be part of that. It's totally free. You can go to dads hire.com and click the community tab and jump over into that community again, that's totally free.
And just get connected with other like-minded men who will push you to be the man God's called you to be. Today I have Layla back with me.
Hey.
It's good to, it's good to have you back. Uh, every time I travel around the country and go speak and I'm like, uh, if I'm at a parenting conference or at a marriage conference, I'll usually have a wife come up to me and say, Hey, I sneak into the podcast and I really enjoy it.
My favorite is when Layla is on. Mm-hmm. And I'm like, is this a compliment or is this, what is this? Anyway, but people love when Layla's on. I love when Layla's on. Thank you. Most of you guys, if you've heard our story, or if you've listened to podcast for a while, you just know how big of a role Layla has played in my own spiritual development.
Like I was a pastor before I met Layla. I re like a 12 second story here When I was dating Layla, she was a brand new Christian on fire for the Lord. And I was just like doing the pastor role thing. I had done that for a while. We were driving in my little Toyota Tacoma two-door little pickup truck, and I remember you saying, just like outta nowhere do you love Jesus because you get paid to or because you really do love him.
And I was like, ING, who the heck are you?
You did, you got mad at me.
Yeah, I was really frustrated with you. And then you were
offended. Okay.
Well yeah. Then I went home. I like dropped you off at your apartment. And I was like, I'm never talking to that woman again. I dare. She talked to me like that, but went home and like the spirit of God was really messing with me.
'cause I was like, dang, why did she say that? And is that true? Like, do I actually love Jesus or am I just playing the whole Jesus card?
Yeah. Well I was trying to like delineate, like there are a lot of people who say they are Christians, but then I'm like, are they. I was just trying to figure out Pastor.
Yeah, it was so matter of fact, that's what really threw me off. You like weren't trying to jab me, but it jabbed hard.
Yeah, it wasn't, I was just gathering facts.
But yeah, Layla has, that was like the start of me recognizing my need for somebody to come alongside of me and help me become the man I think God's called me to be and you have helped me do that so much and so Wow, you're still helping me do that.
Just talking to her. I took my son fishing 5:00 AM this morning and we were talking about not being ruled by our emotions and I was telling him how you have helped me grow so much in that area. I know what it's like to be ruled by my emotions and uh, it sucks and you've really helped me grow in that.
And strong men are not ruled by their emotions in order to be a strong man. I think God knew I needed a woman to come alongside of me like you that would help me grow in that area.
That's nice. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Didn't plan on saying any of that, but hopefully that ones me some points later.
I just have to say right off the bat here, you have been really disciplined lately.
Yeah. Thank you. And
I have been impressed by, I don't know how this turned into a podcast of me showering you with words of affirmation.
I mean, I'll be back on more.
This is getting weird.
What else you got?
That's it. You got notes of these written down.
So that's all I got. That's, I got those two nice things and they weren't in my notes. No, you've been really disciplined lately and you've been like waking up, you've been setting your alarm. I normally, I wake up and like roll over and. Taught you not, that sounds terrible, but like just friend, like, you know, just make sure I'm still there.
Make sure you're still there and you haven't been there for, yeah, it feels like a couple weeks, but you've been waking up and spending some time with the Lord and all that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But that's kind of new. Yeah. 13 years of marriage. You haven't really done that.
No. Zero discipline for 13 years of marriage.
Yeah, I've said for a long time. I've told you more than once, probably that harsh words against myself. But the thing I hate the most about myself is my lack of discipline. I've prayed about it in the past and, um, and lack of discipline, meaning like I just kind of do whatever I wanna do or don't do whatever I don't feel like doing, even if I know it's good for me, or I should do it, not eat a bunch of junk food or not eat that second scone with my cup of coffee or, you know, working out.
But even just in the spiritual matters, like time with the Lord or prayer or, you know, those things. Are work. They just are. And sometimes if you don't feel like, if I don't feel like praying, I just wouldn't, or if I didn't feel like reading the Bible, I just wouldn't. And I hated that about myself, but I just couldn't get myself to do it.
So I just kind of settled with that. Like I just can't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just not disciplined. Recently I've just been, I was in my small group with the ladies I meet once a week with, and uh, I was talking about it and as I was like saying the words out loud, I was just really.
Convicting myself. I was just, the Lord was convicting me as I was speaking it out loud and I was like, man, Layla, you are completely ruled by your flesh. You're just completely ruled by your flesh. And I was like, that's gross. Like hearing myself say it. I'm like, what kind of. What kind of person am I? You know, and I'm, I have four kids and I'm an example of what I'm, their first example of what a Jesus follower is and hopefully their closest and best example I would hope.
And, and I just really wasn't doing a good job. I. So, I mean, even that very night I was like, I'm not gonna do that anymore. And I just went home and I was like, it takes me one second to set my alarm, so I'm just gonna do it. 'cause especially if you're a parent and you've got kids in the home, like there's no time.
We say there's no time to read the Bible, there's no time to like sit and have a prayer life and. And I was like, that's just not, I know that's not true. I just am unwilling to make any sacrifices to make it happen again, because I'm just completely ruled by my flesh. That would mean I'm gonna have to cut into my sleep and I don't wanna do that.
So I just never did. And so I. I was like, I'm not gonna do that. So I set my alarm not crazy early six o'clock. Amelia, our youngest, she's two, she's usually up at like 6 45, 7 o'clock. So I thought if I'd even just get up at six and just go downstairs, make a cup of coffee and, and pray and read the Bible until that little Turkey comes waddling down the stairs.
So I've been doing it and it's been awesome and it's kind of bled into other things. I've also been. I hate working out. If you know me. I hate it. I hate being hot. I hate my heart rate up. I hate being outta breath, but I know, especially as I'm getting older, I'm like, I also just physically want to be able to.
Have a good time with my family. I'm, I'm not terribly old yet, but sometimes I feel like I literally have a hard time like doing physical things 'cause I'm just kind of tired and weak. And so anyway, the discipline, I've prayed a ton about it and I, I've been doing it. I've been getting up at six. Even just that little thing has helped bleed into a lot of other things.
Hmm. Like we talked about at church on Sunday, pastor Caleb talked about like abiding in the Lord and you can't do anything outside. You can't do anything worth value. Mm-hmm. In the kingdom without abiding in him. Yeah. And so making those sacrifices to be like, if I actually want to accomplish my role. As a mom who leads my kids closer to Jesus as a wife who loves my husband well, feels good to say those words, you know, just to do anything for the kingdom's sake.
Like things for eternal value. Like it's crazy to think that we could just kind of lazily, I know that's not a word. Yeah. Just like passively kind of get through life and then just hope at the end of it. Well, I hope I did some kingdom stuff. Eternal stuff. Right.
Yeah. Pastor Caleb, when we were at church on Sunday, kind of, he said something that, I mean, just really briefly in passing, but it kind of painted this picture and I imagined like that day when we're like standing before God and presenting to him like, this is all of my life.
This is, you know, I, for years I was, I followed you and this is here, I'm presenting my life to you. And just imagining that fire of God just coming and, and burning away. And what would be left, you know, what would we really have done? That's like forever stuff, right? Instead of just like, Hey, I did a good job at work and mean.
We always feel like those things are important to do, but when you're standing before God and he comes with that refining fire and burns away all the stuff, like, what's gonna be left? What were the. The kingdom things. And I think, isn't it in John 15 when he is talking about being the vine, like you can't do anything without me, he said.
And so all of this stuff that we do, like the last, however, however old I am, had, I've not been bathing everything I do in prayer and like, and seeking God first. So everything I've done, I'm like, man, if I. Died today and I presented my life today what would be left when his fire comes through and like, I don't know, I'd be afraid to see it.
Yeah, it's convicting That comes from one Corinthians three by the way, that, like that thought of building of on a foundation and, and it will basically be tested. Um, oh, Uhhuh through the flames.
Mm-hmm. So I got up at six. I've been getting up at six and I just, I didn't even know what to read. I don't, I'm not, I didn't do a devotional on purpose because I just wanted to like, read God's word and I was gonna start in acts.
'cause I'm like, I've probably read the gospels enough times, you know? But then I, I was like, no, I think I'm gonna go back. I'll start with John one. And so I have been reading through it. I just keep on reading and I've just been so enjoying it and like absorbing it in a way I never have before because it hasn't felt like I'm getting up and I'm doing this to check off a box.
I'm like genuinely enjoying that relational time with God and like learning about Jesus. Even though I've read John, I don't know how many times it's all. Sinking in. And when I got to John 15, that's when he talks about he's the vine and where the branch is, and he's talking about bearing fruit. And I, he said, you know, if you don't bear fruit, you're gonna be basically pruned away and tossed.
And in my Bible there's like these little kind of like little passages on the side that I don't know if some author wrote, but it talked about how. The instruction. There wasn't to go and bear fruit, but the instruction was to abide in me. He said, and those who abide in me and I and him will bear fruit.
And so even just like, even just doing the spiritual disciplines, like that's not how you bear fruit really. I mean, those things are important, but the way you do that is by abiding in, in the Lord. And you can do that by, you know, through practice of this. Spiritual disciplines, but I think, you know, checking the boxes and like going, doing good things that appear to be good spiritual fruit.
Yeah. That's not how you do it. You just abide in the Lord.
So it's like, just hearing you say that the practical application, thinking of like a dad would not be Jesus saying. Go be more patient, go be more kind. Right. Go be more loving. And then you go like try to white knuckle it. Well, I'm exhausted. I just worked hard.
I'm stressed about the bills and all this. Yeah. But I need to do this for my wife, my kids. The commandment was mm-hmm. Abiding me. Yeah. And the fruit will produce. Yeah,
exactly.
I will be a more patient husband. Yeah. I will be a more patient dad. And that's a
relief.
That is relief.
It's a relief to not feel like, 'cause it's hard when you're tired, and I think that's why all these years I've been so undisciplined.
I'm just too tired. I don't wanna do any of that stuff. I did one little thing, which was I'm gonna get up at six just a little bit earlier than normal and abide in the Lord. I'm just gonna go downstairs by myself in the quiet and pray and then read the Bible. It's been incredible. I mean, even just in the last week
or two.
Two things I've noticed from you doing that observations objectively. Number one is it seems like you have been lighter with the kids, like lighter around the house. Hmm. Like just less grumpy. I, I didn't use those words. Not grumpy. You're not like grumpy, you know, not grumpy. Just, you know, you're just like, you're just lighter.
You just, you're silly. More silly with the kids. You're more playful with them. I've noticed. You just seem lighter, like your spirit seems lighter. I've noticed that. I've also noticed that it's convicted me, you know? And you haven't said a word, you haven't told me, like, Jared, you need to do this. Mm-hmm.
You need to wake up earlier. You need to be working out and get rid of that dad bod. But all of that, you know I'm watching you. What's that? What's that passage? That's like just wives live in such a way that your husband's,
yeah. I can't remember, but. When I was talking about like, even if your husband isn't living right, just keep living.
Yeah. Basically keep being the Christian and, and lead by example that your husband may see your good works and see your good deeds and see what you're doing. And, and he may repent and follow too.
Yeah. Yeah.
I don't, so repent. Are you repenting?
I don't feel like I'm in like a real dark place, but it, it's been, um, you're leading, you're leading by example.
You're, you're leading me and you're leading the kids in that way. And it's a. I think that's the spurring one another on Yeah. You know, toward Jesus.
Yeah, it really has just like bled out into other things. Like even in like, I've been reading this Disciplines of a Godly woman. I don't know, it's probably an old book.
We just picked it in my, my ladies group, but, and she was talking about worship, like the discipline of worship too, and she was saying how you can't rightly worship a God. You don't really know, like to know him more, you worship better because otherwise you're worshiping a God you don't. Actually know anything about.
Yeah. And so how can you know anything about him and so worship properly if you aren't abiding in him. Yeah. And spending that time with him.
Yeah. That's really good.
Yeah.
We've mentioned, I've mentioned probably the last couple weeks about like just church and our church. I get asked a lot. People will send me messages or emails and people ask me a lot about our move.
We've been here a year and a half.
We moved from Oregon to South Carolina.
Yeah. A year and a half ago and ago. And so people will message me and like, how did you know? How did you know to move? How did you know where to move? Did you feel God calling you? And I would just say on that like neither of us kind of felt this prompting, like the Lord was telling us to leave.
Yeah.
I felt like more of it was like. And I always hate to use these words like I feel, I feel, 'cause I wanna be led by the scriptures. Mm-hmm. And like what I know, like what you just said. Yeah. I wanna know what is true about God and his personality and not what I'm feeling. 'cause uh, you eat a weird lunch and you'll feel all kinds of weird things.
Right. And just like we were talking about with my son, you know, I don't wanna be led by my feelings. Mm-hmm. And so I don't wanna say I feel this, but anyway, I, I had a sense that it was like. It's okay to leave now. Like now's an okay time to leave. It's kind of
a release.
Yeah. We just had friends stay in town with us.
They are like, we're in this se, I'm using the word season. My buddy who was here, his name's Matt, and he was like, I hate that word 'cause it's so churchy, you know? It's like, I know. Only Christians say that, you know?
Yeah, I know. He said that. And I was like, oh dang.
It's true. You use that word a lot. I know, but it's such
a good word to describe exactly what it is.
It's a Well, I was telling him, I'm like, temporary period.
Right. I was telling him, I'm like. I don't like cheesy Christians really do have their own weird vocabulary. Yeah. And it, it does get weird. 'cause if you're a non-Christian and you sit in and you hear Christians talking, sometimes it literally, it just doesn't make any sense.
It can be really weird, but season feels right. Season feels like one of those words. Yeah. It's like. This is the most accurate word that I can think of. But anyway, they were going through this. I was just, as I was talking to them, we spent a week just praying with them and talking with them. And it was like, I think your guys', this chapter, this season of life is like it's coming to an end and something new is gonna happen.
And I was telling them, and this would be the same thing I would tell you guys who are listening who just feel kind of a restlessness, like, is God calling us to do something different? Is are we supposed to like enter into this new chapter of life? There's probably all kinds of. Like arguments one way or the other.
But here's my personal thought on it, and you are always good at seeing things from a different perspective, so tell me what you think. But I always say just move. Like, just move. Not move. Like move, right? Like move,
go take a step. Yeah,
just take a step.
Yeah.
So for us it was like, I don't really know, are we supposed to move where we're supposed to move?
I don't feel like God's like telling us you need to move to this town and this state. I didn't feel any of that or sense any of that from the Lord. But we just went and checked out houses.
Yeah.
You know?
And we also weren't feeling like, no, you need to stay.
Right.
Yeah.
And even in that, like, I'm just gonna pursue.
I wrote this on, uh, Instagram has like their new version of Twitter, which is whatever. I'm not very good at all the Twitter stuff, I sounded so old saying it. They had like their own version of that. And I said something on there recently where I was, I was basically like, I think a lot of people, I've heard a lot of people in my time in ministry say, I don't want to get ahead of God.
I don't want to get ahead of God, but I've personally seen more people behind what God is doing.
Yeah.
I think
that's, I would venture to guess that's maybe more of the risk. Yeah, there are. I think there's like two camps in it. Some people are like, I'm not taking a step until God gives me the green light.
And people feel so paralyzed. They're like, I've been praying and praying and praying about, I. You know, if I should, um, apply to this school or not, or if I should move here or take this job. I've been praying and I just don't know. And so then they just don't do anything.
I would say Go until God tells you not to.
Right. Until it's like, I think those are the
two camps. Yeah. Don't take a step until you're led or there's a
chapter in the dad's hired Mix tape book called, or it's a section called Runners and Waiters, which basically talks about that whole, Hmm. Like, am I a waiter? Am I waiting to like for the, the perfect sign from God, write it in the clouds?
Or am I just, am I running too fast? And you can be on either side of that camp. Yeah. But just like do stuff like, just start praying. Start acting as if God is calling you to something. Yeah. And, and act on it. And I think you'll get clarity. Clarity being the scriptures, like no, that's disobedient from what we know of God's reputation and the scriptures, that would be an obvious red flag.
The second would be Godly people around you who are. They love you and they love Jesus and just hear, Hey, here's some things we're processing, we're thinking about moving, we're thinking about taking this job, we're thinking about whatever. What do you guys think? I say that with a caveat. You don't wanna make that circle too big, like too many people into that.
It's chaotic.
Well, just different personalities. We ha we'll have different perspectives. Right? And it's not always necessarily like,
yeah, don't make your a pros and cons list because usually when you look at scripture, God called people to do stuff and their cons list would've weigh. Yeah, outweighed the, um, the pros list.
So don't let that be your determining factor. Just start moving and, and see if your spouse isn't on board. It's probably not time. Yeah. Like I prayed, I wanted to leave Oregon for probably a decade.
Yeah.
I would pray like, God, I don't want to, I don't want to get ahead of you, but I also don't want to get ahead of my wife.
Mm-hmm. And so if and when there's a time for us to leave, just give Layla a peace about it. And when you said, I have a peace about leaving, I was like, oh, dang. Yeah. This is like, that's a 10 year prayer that God answered. Yeah.
Like I was like a boulder in that place. I wasn't moving.
I know
my roots were deep.
I'd been there born and raised in Oregon and my family and my friends, literally my friends that I've known since kindergarten are still my best friends to this day. Yeah. And so like there's just no way. Yeah. And then one day I was like, I think we can go. Hmm. I think now's the time.
It's been great.
We've been here a year and a half, just as like a personal update for you guys. We've been here a year and a half. It's been wonderful. We've plugged right into community. We found believers here, friends here that love Jesus, love us that we love. It's been really, really cool. Our kids have found cool community.
We found a church, which took us like a while to find.
Yeah, it did take us at least a year.
Yeah, I was thinking about this recently, maybe yesterday. I was thinking when you're looking for a church. Don't look for Cool. Look for Faithful.
Yeah, for sure.
We've been part of cool quote unquote cool churches.
I've been, I've spoken at. Probably hundreds of churches been part of, like been around hundreds of churches and church leaders. I don't want like, cool, I just want some, I want a church and a leadership team that's like, we just really, really wanna see Jesus. Mm-hmm. Magnified here.
If Pastor Caleb's listening, we think you're cool.
We're not saying you're uncool. He would, but that was not,
I told him that the important thing. I told him that, I'm like, bro, I love that you're just not. Caleb, by the way, is speaking at our, our men's retreat, and that's cool. He and I will be speaking together, so he'll speak half the time. I'll speak half the time, but what I told him this, I'm like, dude, I travel all over.
You know, you can see all these quote unquote celebrity pastors, which is just such an oxymoron. There's only one celebrity path. There's only one hero, and that's Jesus. Like all of us are talking about the main guy. None of us are the main guy. Mm-hmm. We're just pointing to the main guy, so anytime. I obviously, I'm getting, like, I get passionate about this on a soapbox here, but like, dude, just the celebrity pastor thing is just so weird.
It is weird.
It's so weird. It's a human tendency to elevate
mm-hmm.
Man above God. And, um, anyway, Caleb, dude, he'll be the first to be like, dude, I'm not trying to be cool. I'm not cool. Mm-hmm. Like, I just want, I love Jesus. I wanna love Jesus more. I wanna, I genuinely wanna follow him. And,
and he wants the church to love Jesus more.
Yeah. Yeah. It's been so cool.
Who cares if your church is cool and flashy and got their cool, like maybe it's somebody walks in and is just like, they're stuck in 19 whatever. 'cause they don't have the coolest thing. But dude, if they're faithful, people who love Jesus, just go plug in. Every church is messy.
Every church is messed up. It's leaders, it's, it's the bride of Christ being led by just broken and messy people. But man, if they just, they're faithful. But love Jesus, you can trust their hearts. Who cares if they're cool?
Yeah, I agree.
Anyway, so we are grateful to find a church, but I will say this, so our kids were, it's summer.
You may be listening to this at some years from now, but it's summer in 2023 right now, and we're in like the thick of VBS if you're not church, if you're not from the church. Mm-hmm. Vacation Bible school. Basically, it's just like a Christian kids camp for a week. All the churches around town are doing them all over the country.
It's like a real popular thing. But you and I were having a conversation about this and I thought it was interesting 'cause I'm sure other parents are having this conversation at a lot of these camps, which is great. They're presenting the gospel and then they're giving kids an opportunity to receive, hear the gospel, receive, believe, trust in Jesus.
Awesome. Yeah. Many kids will give their life to Christ. They will hear the gospel for the first time. God will, the Spirit of God will chase them down, snatch them up, and they will fall in love with Jesus and become faithful followers of his for life. Super awesome.
Yeah.
A lot of kids also will be super excited that they got slime and that they got to go throw water balloons at each other, right?
And then they see all their friends raise their hand and repeat a prayer and they will say, I wanna do that. And they have no clue what it means. No clue to actually follow Jesus. It's kind of concerning.
Yeah, I agree. I feel, yeah, I, I, we tread gently because what it's going to sound like, or what it might sound like is like we're discouraging kids from like, you know, receiving or walking up to the altar call, or, you know, accepting Jesus into their heart or saying the prayer.
Like, I wouldn't wanna stand before you and be like, ah, tell your kids not to do that. But I remember one time our kids came home. Or they got in the car and they like had these little gift bags and I was like, what you got there? You know? And they're like, well, I guess like they asked if we wanted to say a prayer and receive Jesus.
So we did. And, and so we got these bags and swag and like celebration, you know, and I'm like. Oh, I mean, okay, this is only the biggest decision of your entire life and you are six. So what does that mean, like that you've accepted salvation? No idea. They had
no idea. No
idea.
I mean, that sounds terrible 'cause I'm like, I lead a, a whole ministry for, you know, but like, yeah.
Right? You think of like, like our 4-year-old, right? If I'm, I'm like, Hey, can you explain to us? And I'm not asking her to give me like a. Theological dissertation on salvation, but. Do you understand the basics of why Jesus died? Why you need self, why you need the, the redemption of Jesus? Why Jesus died on himself at
four?
You just don't, developmentally, you can't understand the weight of your sin,
right?
You are just a selfish, fleshy human because you don't even have the capacity to not be, and we have the sweetest 4-year-old you will ever meet. But she is wicked and she does, you know, and she doesn't grasp that. She doesn't know that she is right and therefore she can't understand the weight of repenting, which means turning away from that wickedness in her and running toward Jesus, who offers forgiveness for that and salvation like she just.
You can't developmentally get that. And so until you can, I just, we've talked to the kids like when, you know, when, when that prayer is offered up to you to like, Hey, Jesus, come into my heart. Like, that sounds so good and nice and like, I would not want to ever discourage that, but talk to us. Let's hammer it out and, and see, like, talk about that.
And the Bible talks about that. Jesus talks about, like, I actually, I think I wrote down some of it, like why people get. Baptized, or even why you shouldn't, and he said, oh, it was in Luke when he was using the analogy of the builder before somebody goes to sit down and build something. Like you have to make sure you've got what it takes to complete your project.
Like, are you ready to begin this? The king who's going to war, like before you go against another king and go to war, are you prepared for battle? And I think these young kids, that these little VBS as cute as it is, they just aren't. They're just not ready. And so even like our, we have, our oldest is 12, and then next step is 10 years old.
We have a 12 and 10-year-old, and we're having a lot of conversations and I think that the weight of sin is starting. They're maybe starting to feel it a little bit and understand, and so now we're gonna get to the point like, are you ready to turn away from that and live differently than your friends?
Yeah. And so we've had a lot of good discussions about that. And like, oh, but mom, it's normal. All the kids are doing this or that. And I'm like, yeah, it is normal. We're not called to be normal. So anyway, not quite ready yet. And he's 12, you know? So, yeah,
I guess one of my fears would be that, 'cause I've seen it so many times that kids, this false belief because they said a prayer when they're six or seven years old.
Yeah, no.
Or I got baptized when I was seven. Yeah. I said a prayer when I was seven. I'm good with God.
Mm-hmm.
I, Jesus is my homeboy.
Mm-hmm.
And it's like, dude, you have never counted the cost of your sin. Yeah. And what it means to. Live a life radically devoted. Yeah. To say no to everything and to follow Jesus.
Mm-hmm. You've never counted that cost. Right. And you were told at a fun camp that you're in, but you've never actually counted the cost. And that's a genuine, I think that that's a problem.
Yeah.
Now I've seen, I try not to get too deep in the weeds here, but I think God put his hand on my life mm-hmm. At a very young age.
Yeah. And I think that the spirit of God was drawing me mm-hmm. At a very young age. I can look back, I have journals from when I was in sixth grade mm-hmm. Of writing about God's drawing my heart. So the spirit of God, I really do believe mm-hmm. Can draw kids. And I've even seen it in some kids. Yeah.
That's like the, the way they're talking about God is different. But man, I want to be the one having those conversations with my kids. I guess it, there's no way of saying other way of saying it. Like I, I do think that we have probably leaned heavily on the side of being very cautious of not having our kids make a decision, a big decision for Christ at like a camp or a church service without us talking to them about it or without, really, I just want be able to see that the spirit of God is actually working in our kids.
Mm-hmm. And then walk with them through that decision.
Right. Well, when, when the kids came into the car with their little baggie having accepted the Lord, we're like. You know, was like, I don't even know. There's all the, everybody around me put their hand up, so I had to put my hand up.
Yeah. She thought they were like, they thought they, they were like getting a prize or something.
Yeah, they didn't even know it. She just looked around
like everybody's hand was up. So she thought, oh, well, I mean, my hand's going up too. And so that was it. And so they just all were like, yay. And added an email from, from the church. Right. You
wanted your child, give your life to Christ. You want to get baptized this week?
Baptized? I'm like, no way. Right. No way. By the way, just for clarity's sake, that's not the church we're part of. Like that didn't happen at the church we're part of right now.
But I mean, it's happened more than once at, I think more than one church.
Our,
our kids are giving their life to Christ Weekly, bro.
Our kids getting saved and saved and saved. That
said, though, it's been awesome to like have those conversations and it's been, I don't, I'm not like. Set. We're not upset. We're not calling the church for Pete's sake. It's just led to really awesome conversations. What does that mean? What are we called to do?
If you're going to say you're a, a follower of Jesus? And he said, if you don't renounce all that you have, you cannot be my disciple's. A big deal for a big father,
mother. Yeah. For a 6-year-old, you know, to say that's
me. And it, I mean, it's fine. Like if you're like. Our kids would say they're Christians, you know, they for sure would say they're Christians, that they're, you know, they're, and I think they're learning what that means, and like, you know, they believe in God and they believe in Jesus.
And we have these conversations a lot, but like that moment when you're just like, I'm going to choose Jesus. All the days of my life, that's a big deal.
Well, baptism is symbolically saying, I'm dying to who I was and I'm becoming alive in Christ. It's hard for a kid to say, I'm dying to who I was. Right?
Without them having any idea of really their sinful nature. Right. So I do think there's a foundation of like, I think Jesus and his grace is like, there's an innocence of like, I believe in God. I think God created things. I love Jesus. You know, all this stuff. Yeah, for sure. Really cool. Right? Really, really cool.
Yeah. But this, the cost of discipleship, I think it's gotta be later in life. Yeah. And so us personally,
baptism particularly, yeah. For us
personally, when it comes to baptism specifically. I want it to be later in life. I don't wanna baptize my kids early. That's not a biblical. There's nowhere in the Bible that says an age.
No. So I'm not gonna make a biblical argument That said they have to be this old No. But for us personally, we've made a decision. We want our kids to be at least pre-teen or older. If my son right now at 12, if I started to see the spirit of God convicting him of his sin, yeah, having a heart of repentance and saying, dad, I don't want to live this way.
I want to follow the ways of Jesus. I would say, dude, let's go get you baptized. We'll
get in that lagoon right now. Yeah. I think,
what'd you say? We're
get in that lagoon right now.
Gators, bro. Just getting those gators in our lagoon.
Yeah. But like literally
count the cost,
the reasons why a Christian gets baptized and if your child, or if you see in your child that they grasp that.
Then. Do it.
Yeah.
But what I've seen, and, and again this is not prescriptive, we're not saying like, don't let your kids put their hand up and don't let them get baptized, but like being baptized, I had a couple notes here. It's just obedience to Jesus' command to do it. He said to be baptized in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
But it's an identification with Christ like symbolizing, you know, his death and burial and resurrection. You identify with Christ when you do that. Forgiveness of sins. It's kind of a symbolic like I'm washing away the sinful way that I was and I'm coming up out of the water washed and new because of what Jesus did.
And just a public profession of faith, like you're announcing to all those around you and kind of like a call to hold me accountable. I'm now part of your community. I'm in the body of Christ with you.
Yeah.
And I just don't know a lot of kids that can, not that they need to articulate it like some little theologian, but like, but just understanding what it means.
It's gonna, it's going to mean living different than your friends
there. I was telling somebody else this earlier, but like in a lot of countries, baptism is so somber. Think of like Middle Eastern countries. I. Or China, probably in underground churches. These places where to be baptized literally means a renouncing of my old life and my family.
Yeah.
And so when they, you know, when we come up and when you watch people in your church get baptized, there's, it's celebratory, which it should be. Yeah. It should be super cool. Should be really, really cool. You are saved and you're proclaiming that salvation. Yeah. Awesome. But in a lot of countries, some people will come up crying.
'cause it's like they're, the cost is high. They're counting the cost. Yeah. The cost was high. And I would rather have our kids lean on that side. Yeah. Because that's like gonna be the faithful discipleship journey. Mm-hmm. Life is going to hit you hard. Mm-hmm. There will be many troubles, as Jesus say, but take heart, I've overcome.
And so I want my kids to at a very, as early as I can get them to understand. I am making this decision to follow Jesus and it's gonna be the hardest thing that I ever do, but it's worth it. Yeah. Uh, as Peter would say, like when Jesus looked at Peter and everyone with all the disciples were leaving because the message got hard.
Yeah. And he looks at Peter and says, do you wanna leave too? And, and Peter says, if you're God, where else do I go? Yeah. You just kind of sense the heaviness of what he's saying. They're like, kind of, I want to go,
yeah, this is, but really where come,
yeah. Where else do I go? And I want my kids to have that kind of level of like their understanding of what it means to follow Jesus.
This is so hard, but what else am I gonna do? Mm-hmm. I truly believe that you are the God of the universe and I'm committed to following you. So yeah. Anyway, just stuff to think through and talk through as your, with your own family as you're going through. Potentially vacation Bible school stuff or Sunday school stuff with your family and church.
These are just, you know, as a couple, just decide where you wanna land and like, what makes sense for you. Again, this isn't, we're not making a biblical statement here. No argument. Uh, there's no age defined in the scriptures, but I think it's good for you guys to have that conversation. Mm-hmm.
It's just not a flippant decision.
Can't kind of like politely like announce that we're. Christians are baptized, or, you know, yeah. It just is, it's a bigger deal, I think, than maybe a lot of people make it. So that's all,
it kinda goes back to the, um,
and sorry. And if your child is baptized or they've said at a young age, they want to then, I mean, disciple the heck out of 'em.
Yeah. Raise them up in that. Remind them every day. This is who we are now.
Yep. It's good. I
mean, it's, it's not bad, it's
just Right.
Yeah. We, our family has decided, the LOEs family has decided we're gonna. Make sure the kids understand. It's a weighty, weighty, weighty decision
I wanted to do before we wrapped up.
I wanted to actually go, I was thinking of this earlier when I said you had been like lighter, you know?
Yeah.
I don't mean that like you've been working out light lighter on the scale,
although you probably are.
I go through so many tangents. I know everybody's
just, I apologize all over the place. I'm sorry. A DD catches up to me, but one of the things I was thinking of is, I use this phrase last week and last week's episode, but I used the phrase like, mental load. Is that, am I saying that right? Yeah. Is that what, like what, yeah.
What women are mental load? Is that what women are saying these days?
Yeah. It's the mental load that the women carry. There's been, it's like kind of a buzzword right now, I think. Yeah. I don't like
buzzwords, but what does it mean? I like,
yeah,
what does it mean?
The mental load usually disproportionately falls on women, but it's kind of the, the cognitive burden or like the mental lifting I think is the other.
Way they describe it, mental load or mental lifting, mental effort it takes to like run the household. So a good example, yesterday I was actually in the middle of my bible study with my girls and uh, Jared is usually upstairs with the kids, but he had a, a phone call for like getting set up for some insurance thing.
Anyway, he comes running down the stairs and he is like, you know, go out the phone up to his ears like, I'm so sorry to interrupt you. Who's my doctor? And all the girls just laugh. And I'm like, you know, so I tell 'em, your doctor is this, and by the way, no, you don't have any prescription medications. No, you don't have any chronic medical conditions.
Like just, you know, that was just one example is just like the healthcare side of things and like. Making sure the kids have their doctor's appointments. I guarantee you, Jared, do you even know the last time our kids have gone to the doctor? Who the kid's doctor is? Yeah. They seem
healthy. You know, you, I would take them if they did not seem healthy, but they, you wouldn't need
you.
You would have no idea where to even take them
to a doctor. You Google it and you take them to the closest doctor. Our kids have
a doctor should they need one. You have no idea who it is. You don't know who their dentist is. You, you know, it's just, okay, you know
what? I'm really, we'll see you next week, you guys, but these are,
you know, listen, these are examples of like.
I think just kind of the mental load that a lot of that, again, this is not how all families run, but oftentimes according to the studies, disproportionately falls on women. And for some households, including ours, like I even also take care of like Jared Hay, like he's mentioned probably on this podcast a time or two about his like a DD and it's a real thing like he, and, and anything that like takes focus, especially if it's like paperwork or filling out a form, he is.
Out. Like he can't do it. He cannot do it. And so like just this last week I've been working on the tax rate for our property taxes here. We have to like fill out some things and take care of a bunch of stuff. And I've been like, it's been quite the process and I've been doing that because that's just part of like my mental lifting and then renewing our car insurance thing.
And things are done differently here in South Carolina than. Oregon and so I've like been having to take care of like the tax and the insurance stuff and Yeah, like medication. He's like, she's
got a big mental look. I guess. This is big. I mean, I did not expect the list. How much time do I have? Yeah. I did not expect the list to come out here, but,
but then it's also like things like the kids' birthdays coming up.
We've got a birthday, get a cake next week. Publix, that's it. Have some candles on it. Yeah, he's like, that day it'd be like, oh, let's just go to Publix and grab some cupcakes, you know, but I'm like, man, she, she's gonna want like. More. And so I've been for weeks and weeks, if not months, been, and I don't even do big birthdays, but I just, I wanna make sure our babies feel, like, feel celebrated and loved.
And so I, I have that on my mind a lot and you know, a friend's wedding coming up and I'm like, I've been thinking about it for months. Like, what should we get? I want it to be special 'cause they're a good friend. And Jared's like looking at me like, I don't know. We'll just. Look on Amazon before we go and get an Amazon gift card.
So anyway, stuff
like that. Well, I, I think that, here's the thing I, that's interesting because I know most guys are gonna, I'm just gonna tell you what most guys are thinking when they hear that. Like you're stressing about it more than you need to stress about it.
Yeah. That's what you would say? Yes. Well just tell the tax guy, listen.
Okay. Relax. It's fine. We'll pay you. And when it comes, just be grateful. Like what things have to be done. And a lot of those kinds of things often fall on. Yeah. The mom slash woman slash wife.
I agree. I got two questions here. Okay. One is. A more critical question and then one is more not okay. Where does like, you know, thinking through everything but just bleeding into unnecessary stress.
Like for example, the gift for a wedding that's months away, or our daughter's birthday, which if you said, Jared, can you handle that? I would probably think through it that 48 hours before.
Yeah.
And probably come up with something that would be fine for her. And it's caused you, that's been in your mental load?
Yeah,
I've been carrying, I've been carrying it for, yeah, I mean, probably at least two months it's been in my, like if I had a little backpack in my brain that's in there and I've been carrying it around. But again, so part of that mental load, it's not just like, oh, there's a birthday coming up and I need to get a cake.
It's like I'm thinking specifically of our daughter, how she's been feeling lately about friends and maybe not feeling very. Invited and welcomed and loved by people. And so how do I make sure she feels super extra special? Okay, I'm gonna, she wants to do something with her hair. I need to find a salon.
Oh my gosh, that one wants $200. Let me, so this is another thing I've been doing. I've been searching for a place to take her that we can afford so she can do like a hair thing. She wants some sparkle hair or something, and. So that's all. It's not just like Eden's birthday's coming up. It's like there's so much more to it to take it through
all the layers.
Yeah.
And so I, I agree. There's probably stress and anxiety about things that. Maybe, you know, I don't need to worry about them. Chris Kins said something really awesome about worry and stress and like, I can't remember what it was, but it was super convicting. That's so wonderful. Yeah. Sorry
Chris.
But it was so good and I'm like, dang, that is so good.
Oh, and I'm gonna think of it as soon as we stop recording, but anyway you can listen to it because
it was, he, he did a worry episode on this podcast a couple weeks ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was great. I do
recommend, in fact, I should after this, go listen to it again. But, um, yeah, there are things I worry about probably that I don't need to, but there are also things that just need to be taken care of that I do feel like fall on me to do.
And yeah, things like birthdays and making sure she feels loved is one of them.
Okay. Well now that I feel like a cruddy dad.
Yeah. So,
okay, so then the second question is kind of tiered, but like for a guy. 'cause we're not typically thinking through all those layers. Most guys aren't typically thinking through all those layers.
So how do we serve our wives? Well, when I don't know the spaghetti that's going on in your brain, you know that that's like, oh, I need a cake. But that links back to her feeling this, right, and this I'm not in your brain. Yeah, I don't, I don't know the spaghetti there. So how do I help you with that?
I think sometimes it helps me even just like offloading it verbally, like so you know that I'm doing stuff.
I don't know, and maybe this is just pride or a weird thing, a Layla thing, but like sometimes I just want you to know all the things I'm doing, just so you know. Mm-hmm. Like I have this list of things I'm working on so you don't think, I'm not doing anything like, Hey, did you know I've spent three days talking to the property tax people at the county.
It's. Super. Not fun, but that's what I've been doing. I've also been on phone with corporate Kia because our car's having some issues and I literally had to get ahold of corporate Kia. So that's been, uh, at least a 45 minute wait every time. So anyway, stuff like that, I just, I'm like. These are things I'm doing.
You're welcome. You know,
so part of it you would maybe
just recognition like Yeah, you do do a lot of things.
I for sure. Recognition. You do do a lot of things. Thank you. We would collapse without you. Yeah.
Well sometimes I think in my morbid thinking, like if I died, oh my gosh. Jared wouldn't know what to do.
They're
drinking a lot of DayQuill.
DayQuil for what?
That's my remedy for them being sick. If they get sick. I'm not, no. I don't know what doctor they're going to. Oh my gosh, they're getting some vitamin C and some qui. Stop. Don't give
our kids any medication whatsoever. Ever. Please
drink water. Rest it out and.
But the county can knock on our door if something goes wrong. Oh my gosh, you guys,
you better pray. I don't die. But anyway, recognition maybe that we do a lot. Moms do a lot, and then I would guess like a lot of it, that mental load is worry that. There's nothing can be done about it. I'm just gonna be thinking about it.
You know, like, is Eden gonna feel loved and celebrated? There's nothing in that that you can take for me off my plate, but, but if I said like, could you just put up the decorations or could you make sure that the cake gets picked up on her birthday or, mm-hmm. I don't know. Just like maybe the little practical things.
I feel like we tried this before. Maybe one time I thought I brought it up, but you love to write everything down, Layla, but I wish you guys, this was on video. 'cause she's just like, we had no notes going into this and it looks like she's writing a college paper over here. I'm sitting leaning back in my chair.
I've been looking out the window and Layla, I'm looking down at her lap and she's just, looks like she's writing a novel. I like, yeah,
I like.
Loves writing stuff down. I just
like to write things down on paper. I don't dunno, I don't,
I just can't wait to read over those notes later, just ref reference that alone.
Anyway. But I feel like we shared a, I had an idea where we like shared a mental load notes on the phone where you could just write down all the things and if there's anything in there that I could take, assign it.
Yeah. That was just one more thing for me to do. It was
keep writing it down.
Yeah, I think we did.
I forgot about that. Okay, so like my to-do list. Find a new dentist. Don't, don't
go through your to-do list, babe. You're gonna bore these people. Buy our homeschool stuff. You're gonna bore these people outta their mice. You can't do that
from, you don't know what the guys
listening to this are like. Here's what I, one thing I'm thinking is this could easily, you're flirting with a line that could turn into an argument in a couple.
Yeah.
And because what could happen at our worst. When I say our, I mean like all plural, like our all of us couples listening and being part of this. At our worst we could say, you could say, listen to these 10 things I'm doing, Jared, and I could say, well, listen to these 15 things I'm doing that I never told you about.
I'm working every day to try to make sure we have money to do, you know, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. And that becomes a really unhealthy place to be, for sure.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's not a competition. It's not a competition.
Yeah.
But I think the mental burden that women carry is mental. And so a lot of it doesn't get seen.
Like oftentimes just kind of traditionally speaking, and I know this is not how all families work, but oftentimes like the man goes to work and you can see. He's gone from, you know, nine to five and he's been working and then he gets paid. And like you can see the fruit of that labor. But oftentimes these things, like Jared would never know that I've been working on the property taxes.
He would never know if I didn't say it. And it's been a ton of work, you know, finding a new dentist, he has no idea. He doesn't know who his dentist is, he doesn't make the appointments. You know, he wouldn't even know if I'd. If we, if I got him a new one. But like that takes work, but none of it is visible.
And so yeah, for sure if you, and don't be in an unhealthy place like that where you can't share each other's burdens without it turning into like a squabble about who does what. And if you need help, you have to ask for it. And if you appreciate or notice. That your spouse is doing something, then say it.
But yeah, certainly don't become a tit for tat. I'm doing more.
Yeah. I think maybe I'll start to try, you know, just asking what's on your mental load plate today? Is there anything I can take off of it? Yeah. Would that be helpful? Yeah,
that's a fine question. I'll probably say nothing. So I like to do, I know you always
do that and then you're gonna be mad.
That's, you
know, all the things. But that's the other thing too, is like, know that about yourself. If you're that kind of person that you're like, you're gonna complain that you do so much and then they're offering to help and you say no, like, that's not fair either. So, and I wouldn't, I don't get mad at you.
Like, I accept this. Mental load. I prefer actually to do most of these things myself, but there are probably some like little practical things that I could use help with. But for the most part, like I don't want you, I want to know what's going on with our property taxes. I wanna know what's going on with our bills.
I wanna make sure we have the good dentist and that they're, oh, and that's the other thing, man. Every time I get a bill in the mail, I'm reviewing that thing and I'm on the horn all the time calling these offices like, why'd you bill me for this? And Jared would never look at it. He would if I let him in charge of that stuff.
He just. Blindly. Okay, you guys,
we have this, uh, this podcast has turned into so long. If you're still listening, we love you so much. Just, uh, wish we could just all eat together and be friends. We have this thing, like we do this every time we go out to eat. The waitress will always hand me the bill.
Yeah.
And I don't even look at it. He
just puts his card in it and hands it back without looking and I have to snatch it so fast to review the receipt. Layla's
got the, pulls out the reading glasses. She doesn't wear 'em. I don't wear glasses. Just pulls out the calculator. She's getting through that thing with a fine tooth comb, man, you gotta make sure
they build it correctly.
You put a, you
charge 30 cents to put that lemon in that water, and I'm gonna talk to that waitress about it. No,
listen, I'm not like that, but sometimes they do like, I'm like, Hey, remember um, it's Sunday and kids eat free and I see you here. You charge me for this meal. Like, stuff like that. I'm gonna get
him, get him.
Jared.
No, it is a gift. You saved us so many. 36. Listen, I
am a delight at a restaurant. Waitresses love our family. That's true. You know, but I do like to review the bill before I pay, whether it's a bill at a restaurant, medical bill, whatever. You're You're
a good bill reviewer.
Yeah, I, you should start a
little side hustle.
I'm not gonna do that. Listen, I've got plenty on my plate. Thank you. I'm not taking other family's mental load too. Thanks. Anyway.
That
was a good idea.
I think the thing that I'm hearing loudest from what you're saying is you just really want me to acknowledge you don't need me to take it. 'cause you actually kinda like being in control that you secretly, I know.
You know, you could do it better than I can. I. I'll just pick any dentist and you want a better dentist, you want the best dentist, whatever. Yeah. You carry a lot of things. Some of these things you don't mind carrying 'cause you know you're good at them. Yeah. And you just need me to acknowledge. Yeah. Hey, I see that you're doing a lot and I'm really thankful that you're carrying these things.
Yeah.
My contribution is weighty and heavy. It's just not visible most of the time.
Yeah.
So now you know,
I knew and I'm thankful for you. Thanks. You guys have ized. Please send help. Send
help immediately.
Gosh. Alright. I don't know what we talked about today or how we got through so many things talking about dentists and baptisms and Yeah.
Churches and, uh, your workout regime. Yeah, routine. Truly. I don't know how I've written any books to be totally honest with you. I don't know. I've probably put thing, I've probably written a sentence, workout regime, and the editors just thought, this is the guy we picked. Yep.
That's, we picked this guy to write
a book workout regime.
Yep.
Is that a thing or is it just a workout routine? I mean,
you know, actually I have heard people say regime. I know as I'm
saying, I'm like, it actually feel, it still feels right.
Yeah. I mean, when I think regime, I think of like, yeah, Iran liters or like, uh, I've heard somebody say like chemo regime. I'm like, I feel like I wanna say chemo regimen, you know, regimen is
Oh,
yeah.
Feels more. Right. So
work out. Right. But you're not alone in the
re in the regime. Yeah.
But ah, everybody else is doing it. I'm doing it. Layla's, uh, Layla's just got accepted. Uh, she had a job interview.
Yeah, I did.
She crushed it. She was real nervous. You
weren't there.
I knew you were gonna crush it and I You crushed it because they offered you a job immediately.
Wow.
Layla's the best nurse you guys. If you ever need help. If you're ever in the hospital and you're in real need, she's the kinda nurse you want on your side. She'll advocate for it. She will go through your chart with a fine tooth comb.
That's true. And she
will check everything man.
Nothing. It gets by me.
Oh man. We're thankful for you guys. We love you. It was good having you back, babe. I'm sure. Thanks for having me. People will love this perspective. All right guys, we love you. Hopefully this was helpful for you in some way on your journey of becoming more like Jesus and helping your family do the same.
We'll see you next week.
Bye.