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Welcome to The Activate Change Podcast, where transformation is just a conversation away. Join Gabrielli LaChiara, renowned healer and creator of the LaChiara Method, as she guides individuals through powerful healing sessions. Alongside her, Chloë Faith Urban breaks down the frameworks and tools Gabrielli uses to bring deeper understanding to the profound process of healing. Each episode offers an intimate front-row seat to authentic, raw, and real personal breakthroughs, spiritual healing, and emotional support, allowing you to see yourself in the journeys of others. Experience the power and magic of the LaChiara Method, learn practical tools for self-growth, and unlock your potential to activate change in your own life. Whether you're seeking healing, inspiration, or a deeper understanding of yourself, this podcast is your gateway to a more rooted, resilient and radiant YOU.
To experience or learn more about the method go to: https://lachiaramethod.com
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Alternate Introduction For Variation (00:44)
Welcome to the Activate Change podcast where transformation is just a conversation away. Each episode offers an intimate front row seat to an authentic and unscripted personal healing session with renowned healer and creator of the Lakiara Method, Gabriele Lakiara. Our incredibly generous and courageous guests.
explore their genuine struggles, longings, and deepest desires in these sessions. And we, as listeners, have the honor and privilege to witness their sacred and profound healing journeys. As you listen, we invite you to receive as well.
Feeling into where the healing and insights that transpire might spark transformation in your own life. And stay tuned until the end because I, Chloe Faith Urban, will discuss the session and share a skill or framework that Gabriele used, which you can apply to your own personal healing. This podcast does contain adult language and content. So if you have little ones around you,
you may want to use headphones.
Gabrielli LaChiara (01:58)
you
Chloe's Comments Brenna Part One (02:09)
struggling with her partner's relationship with alcohol and wonders if she can stay. She doesn't like the parts of herself that rear their monstrous heads in the relationship and wonders what it will take to honor herself in a challenging dynamic.
Chloe's Comments Brenna Part One (02:25)
This is part one of a two -part episode with Brenna, who's had many sessions with Gabriele over the years. Together, they've explored Brenna's relationship with other people's addictions,
her family history and her own codependent patterns. Throughout this journey of personal sessions and retreats with us, Brenna has done some profound work to uncover self -responsibility and self -accountability. She's learning to lead her own life in positive and empowering ways. Today's session is just a glimpse into the middle of this transformative healing process. And next week, you will hear the follow -up session they did
After this session shook loose and brought to consciousness some challenging dynamics, she's really ready to shift. Let's dive
Gabrielli LaChiara (03:19)
Hi.
Hi there, welcome to our podcast. I'm so happy to be here with you. I'm going to take a breath with you and then we'll set our stage and see where you want support today.
and I definitely encourage long exhales. Having said that, if you're feeling like you're recoiling from the work we're about to do, if your body feels like it's imploding inwardly, you might need some inhales to stimulate your willingness to show up. And either way, either side for you is whatever feels most generative. And so I'm gonna take a couple of breaths and get myself calmed into the space.
Brenna (03:38)
Mm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (04:03)
And as I do that feeling, and I can instantly feel just how much emotion you're carrying, the well, the sensations you're in. And I'm to just meet that and hold this space as our container and our intention to take care of you so that I can show up, be present, feel, witness, support in any way possible your process of healing.
and activate change and generate healing.
Yeah, well, I can really, I know we've had our pulse on the work that we're about to do today and that we've been in conversation and sessions over the past months around this kind of moment and experience you're having. And I can feel something different. Like I'm in this moment just sitting with you, I'm feeling like this, there's a ball almost in my belly that feels like it's turning backwards is how it feels. feel like it's this
just, know, orb almost that's like, I don't know if it's trying to unwind or if it's trying to move away from. And so I'm curious, you know, what you need, what's going on for you and how you feel like I can support you, your intentions.
Brenna (05:27)
really want to get out of my own flip into reactivity and victim mentality that matches his victim mentality.
and that like constant fight.
I want more peace around just what is so that I have clarity around what I need. And taking it and not getting stuck in the guilt of taking it, whatever his reaction ends up
Gabrielli LaChiara (06:04)
Right. So you're
Brenna (06:06)
and how he might take it personally.
Gabrielli LaChiara (06:08)
So I'm hearing you're in a couple's dynamic. I'm knowing just from our past experiences, somebody that you live with and that you're sharing regular connection in this way. Somebody that you live with is pretty much all I need to say there. But you're in a committed relationship and that this, what I'm hearing you say is that you're having a particular reaction to this moment that you're trying to either understand or figure out what to do about or how to shift or change.
Brenna (06:38)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah. And not...
Like I get really freaked out in his addictive identity.
Gabrielli LaChiara (06:51)
Yeah. Right. Okay. So let's dive in and see where this takes us. So you're looking at a partner who has addiction. You're finding your role in relationship. You know, what's the difference between codependency, what's healthy, what's self -love, what's showing up, what's your responsibility, what's not. And let's see where this takes us, you know, in terms of where you're at today. So it's just clear.
Brenna (06:59)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (07:20)
all the energy around that so that we can peer in and feel what is your body being soul, spirit asking from this time? What do you know and need to know in order to show up in health and vitality in yourself as you manage and navigate and dance inside the intimacy of relationship with your beloved who has addiction actively and activate change and generate healing immediately.
I'm going to dive into discovery. question I'm hearing is, is that OK? Yeah, the question I'm hearing is, who gets to decide who you are?
Brenna (07:58)
Yeah.
Mom.
Gabrielli LaChiara (08:19)
Okay.
Thank you for that aware -ing present already to an earlier dynamic in your life. So let's hold that together. Your mom gets to decide who you are and all the times that's been true. Anyway, it's still true.
activate change and generate healing immediately.
Let's try saying, my mom gets to decide who I am three times.
Brenna (08:58)
Bye.
Okay. And in that moment, it shifted more into family.
Gabrielli LaChiara (09:06)
Okay. Great. Well, let's stay with it then and not go there. So let's have you feel. Unactivate change and generate healing immediately. So your family gets to decide who you are. Is that true?
Brenna (09:30)
no, and it feels like there is a part of me that still plays that dynamic or believes that dynamic.
Gabrielli LaChiara (09:40)
So if it's true, if some part of it is true, then who do you think your family wants to be, wants you to be in relationship to your partner and their addiction? Like what would, who would they want you to be? What is running? Right? So if your mom or your family gets to say who you are in this moment, and they're telling you who to be in relationship to this relationship, in this moment, intimacy and addiction, who are they telling you to be?
Mmm. Unactivate chain and un -rehealing immediately.
Brenna (10:22)
the
Gabrielli LaChiara (10:32)
So Truth, what's an enabler in your family?
Brenna (10:47)
someone who stays silent.
Gabrielli LaChiara (10:48)
Mm -hmm, right. So all the ways in which your family, the energy of your family, the DNA in your family, the memories of your family, your family's choices around addiction would drive you in this moment to unconsciously go silent. Let's hold that. What is silence related to addiction in this moment and activate change and generate healing immediately? So what is silence with an
What's enabling as silence? Like what behavior does that even make you do? If you're doing that, what happens?
Yeah, right. Angry at anything in particular.
Brenna (11:29)
I get pissed. I get fucking angry.
I get angry
the unconscious choices or just the choices and the delusions
the behaviors that come with.
being drunk.
that are really hard to be around. And they're getting harder and harder to
Gabrielli LaChiara (12:02)
Right. Right.
Brenna (12:08)
And then I'm like, well.
what's gonna happen. I future. I go way future.
Gabrielli LaChiara (12:16)
Right, right, you go into the fatal fear of the future. Yeah, that would make sense. And it makes sense that you're angry at addiction, essentially. It's like you're angry at the disease that is part of and or encouraging and or that your partner is, whether they're choosing it on purpose or not, but it's happening in the world and in your life and in your home, right? So the anger, it's interesting, because you're talking about right now being a moment of, and I don't know if you said this at the beginning of this call, or we talked about it before we jumped on, but you talked about
Brenna (12:21)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (12:46)
the wanting space and wanting to go so far, recoil so far away from what's happening. And I wonder if that's in alignment with thinking, with silence. It's like, if I just run away far enough and get away from you and you go take your space and you are someplace else for the week, and I don't have to deal with you for maybe a month even, maybe that's a way of being able to align with the family's silence. they're like, does that make sense where I'm going? Yeah, right. So there's urgent tendency to
Brenna (13:12)
Yeah.
Gabrielli LaChiara (13:15)
stop being angry by being silent or use the anger to force silence somehow away from the, yeah. Yeah, so they either.
Brenna (13:26)
and to like avoid a fight.
Gabrielli LaChiara (13:28)
Right. Great point. Right. Right. Because fighting with someone who's drunk is really hard.
Maybe. Yeah.
Brenna (13:39)
Yeah, and then I just feel like shit the next day. He doesn't even remember. Unless I bring it back
Gabrielli LaChiara (13:44)
Right, right, right. I'm really sorry. That's such a hard dynamic to be in. you're, you're, totally in fight flight for real reason. I'm sure you're feeling really unsafe trying to figure out how to have connection with somebody who is, is drunk. It's not present. Yeah. Yeah. And any, was it normal in your family for people to just have intimacy with alcoholics or
Brenna (14:05)
Yeah.
mean, like my whole family, they're all alcoholics.
Gabrielli LaChiara (14:26)
Yeah, good.
Brenna (14:26)
My dad does not drink anymore. But he was a high functioning, and my mom is functioning alcoholic. She would never admit that, you know.
not going to give up her wine.
Gabrielli LaChiara (14:45)
Right. Right. So all of the indoctrinations and grids related to alcoholism that are blocking you from being able to find your own fucking knowing on what you're going to do next, like how are you going to show up, what interventions you will or won't have, what feels safe to you? Like, is it okay to have some, maybe some people do function with alcohol in their worlds and maybe we'd even call them alcoholics, but who cares? Like nobody's unsafe and, or even if they are, it's not our business. And what, what for you becomes like, to me, I'm hearing like, where's Brana?
Where are you? Like, where's your voice to say, this is what I want to choose in my life. This is the relationship I want to have with this person or not. And here's what feels safe and healthy to me related to how much use is happening in my environment. And I think that's the piece we want to really stir awake, right? Like, where are you in this? Yeah. So any and all ways in which your voice has been
And any ways in which the disease itself or the alcoholism or the use of alcohol or whatever the fuck we want to call it, the behaviors of your partner are blocking you from actually knowing yourself, knowing what you want and knowing how to live the life that you want to be living in your own definition of health and relationship to whatever substances are there, you know? And so can we clear the grids and constructs both of family and of culture that are blocking you from finding your own aware?
Knowing, yeah. And I know you've had moments of it on this ride that are super clear. Like just know that we've been in this conversation and we've had sessions and moments where you're like, you're really in your potency and I feel you. And then it feels like you're in another moment where it's gotten washed over. know, overwhelmed. You've gotten overwhelmed, yeah. So all of the dance that you're in and all the grids, structures, constructs, systems, beliefs,
Brenna (16:11)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (16:38)
specifically all of the family dynamics and the normalization of alcohol and any of that that's good, bad or otherwise, what we're trying to do is take it off all the grid so that you have your own personal choices to make, just like your parents make, just like other people make, like you get to say, this is me and the life I wanna choose and here's how I wanna show up for my beloved who chooses that or not, right? And activate change and generate healing immediately, because there's not a black and white choice here. It's not like, okay,
Brenna (17:02)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (17:06)
Now we're today, we're going to figure it out and say, that's it, run away. Or, or I mean, maybe you will, you will, but we're not, I'm not going to tell you there's some line that we're going to impose on you and say, do it this way or great. Take your space, be quiet. And then, you know, just wait till the next round or whatever. So all the, the tendency is to want an answer, to want to fix it, to want an answer, to want to figure out what to do, to want, you know, that.
Brenna (17:19)
Okay.
Yeah, I want all those things because I'm super uncomfortable.
Gabrielli LaChiara (17:36)
Yeah. Yeah. And it's appropriate that you're uncomfortable. Your body is definitely trying to find her knowing and something that isn't working for you, right? Something isn't, is hitting lines of safety that you haven't yet or are still trying to figure out how to intervene with, right? And what does that even mean for you now versus longer? this is, know, like, so yes, I just want to acknowledge that you are feeling unsafe and probably are unsafe in ways for
that don't really work. And I wanna just applaud and acknowledge that you're trying not to just run really fast from that and then have those regrets as well as not trying to just go numb and ignore it. And I think anytime we're coming from unconscious to conscious, like there's that wave of how we grow and we start in the consciousness wave of unconsciously unconscious. And then we try to wake it up a little and we're like, then we become conscious of what's unconscious.
Brenna (18:25)
huh.
Gabrielli LaChiara (18:32)
And in that step in the wave, that part of the wave, that's the hardest because we're like, I'm so consciously aware of how unconscious I am. And then I become conscious and I'm consciously conscious with effort. It takes a lot of work. It's a muscle to grow. And then we slip back into unconscious and back in until we become unconsciously conscious in a way that we want to be. And I see you on that wave, really like sitting in that place where you're really trying to stay consciously conscious.
And the tendency is to go unconscious. Yeah. At least that's how I would define it. I don't know how that resonates.
Brenna (19:04)
huh.
Yeah, there was a lot of conscious and unconscious.
tried to keep up, but I think yes.
Gabrielli LaChiara (19:16)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, just to simplify, unconsciously unconscious.
We just don't know what we're doing and we're doing it. And then we wake up or we have a healing crisis or we have an inspiring moment and we're like, I'm so conscious. And then we look at ourselves and we're like, wow, look at how unconscious I am. So then we're conscious of how freaking unconscious we are. And we're like, fuck, I'm so unconscious. And that's all. And now the next step is all effort. Like I then have to do a lot of practice to get myself conscious.
Brenna (19:22)
unconsciously unconscious.
Okay, yep, right.
Yeah.
Gabrielli LaChiara (19:50)
conscious so that I make the choices I want to make. Every bit of our habits and tendencies slip us back into unconsciousness. And this is what I see you're working on in your growth stuff, which is really trying to stay present to what conscious decisions mean for you.
Brenna (19:55)
Yes, okay.
Yes.
Gabrielli LaChiara (20:08)
and feeling all the pulls and tendencies to want to go unconscious and just either run away or fight or not fight or whatever it is, right? Yeah. That make more sense? Yeah, good. Good. So knowing that that's the muscle you're growing, let's just take a minute and acknowledge yourself that that is the hardest thing we do. That's the hardest thing we do to become conscious of our unconsciousness and to be able to not just live in a shame attack or regrets or self -hatred.
Brenna (20:14)
Mm
Yeah. Yep.
Yep, crystal clear now. Mm -hmm, yeah.
Mm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (20:39)
I don't know that there's anything harder because we have made decisions we don't wish we didn't make, right? We're in it.
Brenna (20:40)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (20:48)
And let's clear all the tendencies that might be in here and you'll know inside yourself to flip into self -hatred or shame or to throw yourself under the bus or if not, you don't want to throw him under the bus for being unconscious.
Brenna (21:05)
I of do also, like the other spectrum of shame, like that grandiosity, like high horse. Like, yeah. Like, just listen to me, I know better than you.
Gabrielli LaChiara (21:11)
Yeah, righteousness. Right? I know that one. It's so much easier for a minute. Until it's really not easier. you're like, well, that was really effective,
Brenna (21:31)
your bet with like the full -blown resistance.
Gabrielli LaChiara (21:40)
Yeah, that is how we grow. And I applaud you because you're growing and that's what healing looks like. It's messy. know, this, this part of healing, especially around only addiction recovery work, it's hard. It is so hard. I mean, something like alcoholism, if that's even what it is, but the overuse or abuse of some kind of substance is always about going unconscious, you know, and the drive to go unconscious and to be seduced by that. Cause there might be comfort in that.
Brenna (21:47)
Ugh.
Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yes.
Gabrielli LaChiara (22:11)
Yeah, and sometimes to hide our shame because of that. So any shame or any unconsciousness or any self -hatred or any righteousness that is any of, is it possible that any of that's not yours and that you're also processing some of that for your beloved or your family? Yeah. And are you willing to clear the parts that are not yours so that you can, and I guess are you willing to own the parts that are? Yeah, good. So, I got so many shivers.
Brenna (22:34)
Absolutely.
Gabrielli LaChiara (22:38)
Command your body and being to release all of the shame, self -hatred, martyrdom or righteousness and all the cycles of that kind of shame and unconsciousness that would trap you and actually push you more into addictive habits, more into codependent enabling habits and anything here that isn't yours, that is part of someone else's process, whether it's your family, whether it's your partner, whoever it is, let's command your body and being to release the parts that are not yours so that we can shed those layers and peer in with
Brenna (23:05)
Hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (23:07)
Like really hawk eagle eye vision and say, what's mine here? What is my work? Am I willing to do it? And I heard a strong yes. So commanding your body and being to release everything that's not yours. And let's give that to the vibrational source of consciousness. We're not throwing it anyone's face. We're saying, it over, surrender it so that we can see, feel, exactly who to be now and actively change and generate healing. Immediately giving that a good push.
Brenna (23:17)
Mm hmm.
Huff!
Gabrielli LaChiara (23:34)
Let's command your body and being from really release the parts that are not yours that belong to your mother or your family or anyone else or past relationships or your partner or his relationships or his children's or wherever else might be in the field here. We thank you all. All of that. We thank it all wonderful. We appreciate it. Intimacy includes learning all that shit about each other. And you get to be potent enough to say, no, I'm not going to live from all those energies if they're not even mine. I am going to find myself and activate change to generate healing.
Brenna (23:36)
Urgh.
But.
Gabrielli LaChiara (24:04)
immediately. How's that feel?
Brenna (24:10)
I feel not recoiled anymore.
Gabrielli LaChiara (24:15)
Good, Yeah, right off the back of that neck there. Let's let that primal brain release that. So clearing any primal brain energies that would keep you thinking that staying in that muck of shame and self -hatred and enabling and righteousness, but actually staying in there is gonna, that's how you're gonna find the answer. So is there any possibility that you're duping yourself to thinking if I dive into that pain that that's where I'll find my knowing?
Brenna (24:42)
Mmm... Yeah?
Gabrielli LaChiara (24:43)
Yeah. And is it possible that releasing that shit is how you're actually going to find your knowing? Good. And are you willing to know who you are now for you, not for anyone else? And of course we're influenced by others. We want to take into consideration who they are. We want to learn from them. We want to love and be loved and be in it. And that doesn't mean that we have to lose our whole knowing to becoming something somebody else would do or be or make us do or be. And so clearing
Brenna (24:50)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Yeah.
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (25:12)
Do they change and done with healing immediately. So if your body being soul, spirit, we're all in total communion with this earth, you, in this moment facing everything that's going on in your life, who would you be? Who would you decide you
Good. That's the best place in the world because you've never done this moment before. So are you willing not to know?
Brenna (25:40)
I don't know.
Gabrielli LaChiara (25:48)
Like, can we embrace not knowing? Maybe you don't know. And maybe there isn't an answer yet about who you are in this moment. And it's more about asking that question over and over and over. Who am I now? Who am I choosing to be? Who am I now? Until who I am now shows me what behaviors I need to choose. And are you willing to choose the awkwardness of not knowing? And that's a different way of choosing to be consciously unconscious, right? It's a beautiful way of saying, I can also embrace that to say,
Brenna (25:48)
-huh.
Mmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (26:18)
It's unconscious. don't know it yet. Has it come to the surface? And it's yours to know. It's not anyone else's to tell you. Sure, you can read books or get advice and maybe something will resonate. That helps. And it's still going to be yours to know. No one else's, right? Are you willing to embrace all the things you don't know about being you?
Brenna (26:31)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (26:40)
and continue on the path that I know you've been on, which is today as feels restorative coming back to yourself, coming back to the fact that it's okay not to have an awareness yet of how to do this. And you might not know yet, and you do get to take the time and space and not just recoil or fight, but find some middle ground of, curiosity, who am I? How do I hold the pain? How do I hold the confusion? How do I find resilience so that I can keep asking, who am I today?
Brenna (26:40)
Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (27:09)
in this relationship and activate change and generate healing immediately. Well, let's see what else you need with
Brenna (27:10)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (27:27)
How is that settling
Yeah. Feeling like we could just close up with an invocation on that and you'll process it more and we can return to it if you want. Does that feel generative if I just kind of invoke that thing? Okay. So I really just want to invoke that in the divine essence of who you are, you do know how to be you. You are the best one to know that. And your body being soul, spirit, it's all here. You have your connection. You know it. You've had that wisdom a million times over for different moments in your life and that we can invoke.
Brenna (27:52)
Ugh.
Gabrielli LaChiara (28:02)
Your wisdom to know how to be you and the face of exactly what you're facing is in here somewhere. And that it's okay if it doesn't emerge immediately. It's okay if it takes days, months, weeks, but the journey is to be in the question, not to find an answer and to activate change and generate healing immediately. Activating the divinity for your curiosity to.
break those patterns inside yourself and to be okay in not knowing and so that you can learn something spectacular and different and unusual and amazing about who you are and what you need now and anytime in the future and activate change and re -healing immediately and that not knowing doesn't have to be dangerous.
It's okay not to know. It's okay to know that you don't Anything else you need before we close up
Brenna (28:47)
-huh. -huh.
Ha ha.
I mean, like in that last bit.
just the thought of like, man, like so wish he would do this
Like, just get a session. Or go to a... Like, just do something.
Gabrielli LaChiara (29:24)
Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, you can offer it again. I think when you're, your brain and mind and heart are supple and you're not in the reactive patterns, there's no reason not to offer and wish for that. And then you let it go. We can't make him. Right. But I love that there's part of you that knows the part of him that might resonate and might really receive something special if he did that kind of work and he will or won't choose it. Right. That was not wrong to offer. know, resourcing people is lovely.
Brenna (29:55)
Mm Mm -hmm.
Gabrielli LaChiara (29:58)
Yeah.
Brenna (29:59)
Yeah, it's the letting go. Like I can resource, you know, my clients and my friends and my siblings, but then like, it's hard to let
Gabrielli LaChiara (30:02)
Yeah.
Yeah. Brenna, you want this to work. You want a healthy relationship with this person and you love him. There's no reason why it would be easy to constantly let go and to not know if what they're choosing is going to implode your whole relationship. If you're going to be able to stay with this person, of course, your attachment is healthy and strong. And I would be surprised if you didn't want that or if it was easy to let go every time. mean, it sounds like such a great philosophy. It's not easy.
you're attached and you should be. And there's a lot of amazing things about the relationship too. So I think this is that dance, right? It's like to know when to come back to yourself and to know I wish that for you and I can wish that and I can offer it. And yes, it's going to be hard to detangle and let it go, but you will to the best of your ability. And then you'll rise again and we'll see what he chooses. Yeah.
Brenna (31:05)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.
Gabrielli LaChiara (31:06)
Thank you for naming that. I think it's important to just feel the wave of that that happens. I'm sure there's so many times where like, I would just wish you would do this. Cause it seems like that would just be the answer, right? And, and then that, and I would have the part of you I want, you know? Or then you'd be safe or whatever it is that comes up. Yeah. Let's gift. I want to just gift him. And this is not putting it at him, but just to imagine that there's a gifting portal. just feel like sunshine and oceans and bike rides
Brenna (31:18)
Thank you.
Gabrielli LaChiara (31:35)
Just to say you have this love and that you have resources and if he wants them, he can choose them and that your hope and wish is to make this relationship healthy and successful and activate change and generate healing immediately. And that doesn't have to be delusional. That can just be true. You can want that and you can still take all the steps for safety that you need to. Yeah, activate change and generate healing immediately. Thank you so much. I really appreciate
Brenna (32:04)
Thank
Chloe's Comments Brenna Part One (32:11)
Thank you, dearest Brenna, for your courage and your strength and willingness to share yourself with us during such a challenging time in your life. I really know how intense it can be with addiction in families and in partnerships, and I was just so moved and honored to hear your authentic wrestlings with it
This session really is just the beginning of the beautiful journey Brenna goes on with Gabriele around addiction. But in and of itself, it was really powerful. And I wanted to speak about the framework Gabriele brought in that we call the consciousness wave. The consciousness wave basically lays out four phases of growth that we all can go through. First, we have the unconsciously unconscious.
This is the phase of the growth wave that we really like we're in the we don't know that we don't know. We're just sort of trucking along in life and we're unaware of what might underneath, what might be going on in our unconscious that might be impacting us. It could be a belief, a story, a judgment, a fear, the list goes on and on. And we just have no idea.
Some people can go their whole lives this way around a lot of things. And some of us, if you're anything like me, you might fall more into this category, love to grow, to learn about yourself, to heal, to uncover what might be lurking that is blocking you from being all of who you are and want to be in the world. And from this place, you find yourself in a healing or therapy session. You might read a book or listen to a podcast.
You might be meditating or on your yoga mat and all of the sudden something appears into your consciousness. Like, wait, hold on a second. I didn't even realize that I had this habit or this belief, but now it's all I can see. How did I miss it for that long? Have you ever had that experience? I know I have.
So you do your work, you practice, you take steps or even micro steps, and then you come to the phase in the wave where you become consciously unconscious. So you can see the pattern, the belief, the fear, but it's still operating without you having much say in the matter. You're aware it's there, but aren't exactly sure what to do about it or how to really transform it
This is really the hardest phase, at least in my experience, because you might be watching yourself doing something that you're really not proud of, or you're really wanting to change, but it's almost like a knee -jerk reaction, and it just keeps happening and happening, and you can't quite seem to kick it. And I find this to be really frustrating, because I just, you know, all of sudden something slips out of my mouth, or I eat the candy bar that I committed not to eat,
I'm in a mode that I don't love so much and here I am once again doing it and it's just happening and I can't even stop myself from doing it. So this is really where it comes to the point where you can see it enough times or your coach or therapist or friend or partner helps give you a nudge in the direction of like, okay, this is something I really do want to change. I want to do the
I wanna shift this pattern. I wanna heal what's in here to heal. I wanna see what trauma or oppression might be under there. You it could be inherited or otherwise. And you begin to really shift it. So you move into the phase of this journey. And this phase takes work. It takes commitment. It takes healing, shifting, growing and resetting enough times where things begin to really change.
you're still working at it, but things are really shifting and you begin to see the possibility of that habit or pattern or fear not operating in your life the same way that it used to. So you really, you're working at it, but you're starting to see changes. And then we come to that point in the wave where it begins to move into the phase
where you're becoming unconsciously conscious, where you found your stride and you're no longer having to work hard for it. And that habit or way of being or that fear or whatever it is that you were wanting to shift has shifted so much that you have a completely different relationship with it. You might even get to the point where you look back years later and you're like, wait a minute, I don't ever do that anymore.
or that fear really isn't running my life, or that way I talk to my sister, I just don't do that anymore,
It could be so many different things. So those really are the four phases of the consciousness wave. And I'm feeling like it might be helpful for me to just give a personal example.
I had this pretty deeply ingrained way of being with the closest people in my life for as long as I really can remember, which basically, especially in times of stress or times when I was afraid or feeling really vulnerable, I would get really bitchy and edgy with people. And if I'm honest, I still gotta work on this one with my mom. Love you, mama. might show up as
like a snide comment or me being super harsh or abrupt with my tone or being quick to judge or criticize. And overall just in reality, just not being very nice. I remember the day so clearly when my partner bae finally was so sick of it. He's just like, this just isn't okay. You can't treat me like this. So whatever you gotta do, you've gotta stop. And
That moment really shook me and I really took it to heart. And I certainly didn't want to be hurting my amazing, kind, caring partner like that. And as I looked and as I reflected, I realized that for many years, I just thought that that's who I was. That yeah, I can be that way, but that's just part of my personality. And I really just...
I couldn't imagine that it could really actually change, even with all the healing and growth and therapy I had done. I think when I met Bae, I was at that phase of the consciousness wave of being consciously unconscious. I had done enough healing, reflecting, therapy, all the things that I was aware that that was a pattern I had in stressful moments, but I really wasn't sure if I could ever change it. It still felt
pretty locked in and kind of a part of who I was. Like that was a part of my identity. But with his call in and as I really began to look to get help and to begin to find ways to interrupt this pattern and do something different, I really realized that like, my goodness, maybe this is changeable.
And I really was seeing that that way of being was so out of integrity with who I wanted to be in the world and how I wanted to treat people, especially the ones I love the most. was being unkind and disrespectful. And even saying those words out loud now gives me a deeply kind of visceral feeling of how truly out of alignment they were with my values. So I put in the
I used the tools I knew, I asked for help, I sessioned myself, I got sessions with others, and I made a commitment to myself and to Bay that I was going to change it. It wasn't always easy. There were some really uncomfortable awarenesses and also a lot of juicy -has. I saw inherited habits, I saw trauma patterns, I saw lots of things about myself, and I worked with it all until I got to the point where I had truly
gotten that bitch of a person out of our relationship probably 90 % of the time. Like we can go months without her rearing her head that much and it's pretty astounding and has seriously changed our
So now, with that particular pattern, I would say I can still move along the consciousness wave, mostly between consciously conscious, where I'm still having to work with it very deliberately and using my tools and practices to keep myself accountable. And then I'll go to the unconsciously conscious, where I really do feel like I can get in a real stride and I'm not having to even work at it.
Yeah, sometimes in my worst moments when I'm feeling super unsafe or I'm really sick or I'm stressed, every once in a while I dip into the consciously unconscious and that bitch lady rears her head and I watch it happen and I'm like, okay, there I go again. But usually that reset can happen within minutes, sometimes seconds even where something comes out of my mouth. I watch
I catch it, I take a moment, I eat a piece of humble pie, I reset myself, and I apologize if it's needed. It's really been quite the journey and yet so incredibly rewarding. It has made such a difference in our dynamic in the relationship, but also I'm seeing that I'm capable of being who I really want to be in a partnership.
someone who's really aligned with the values I hold near and dear to my heart. And as I'm saying all of this, I can feel the stir in me to be like, okay, girl, you can say this to an extent, you know, certainly in your partnership, this is hugely changed and in your relationships with others. And I can really feel in me the stirring to like be done like once and for all with this with my mom. And I really want to be treating
as best I possibly can and I really do not need this bitch lady to be anywhere in my life. for me, as I'm saying this, thank you all for listening, because it's helping me really get clear that that's my next commitment to myself, is to really take on what it's going to take for me to really work with that dynamic in the relationship, the amazing relationship I have with my mom. So.
With that, and as I make that commitment, I'm also wondering you as the listener, like I'm curious what's arising for you. Is there any habit or pattern or fear that may be in that phase for you of like consciously unconscious? Like you might see and know that it's there, it might feel really like, my God, could I actually take that on? Could I not? But that you're really ready to shift.
So I really invite you to just take a moment, jot that down or take a mental note for yourself and begin to think of what steps you could take, what tools you could pull from from your toolbox, what people you might call on to help you work with it and begin the journey towards transforming that dynamic in your life. And if you're newer to this healing stuff, you might wanna start with something super small so that you can really begin to see
and feel your progress quickly. Sometimes feeling that momentum can really be super helpful and we want you to know that change is possible and to really feel that. And for those of you that do this sort of thing all the time, where healing and self -introspection and growth is just part of the game for you, I'd invite you to think about something you've decided might never be changeable. That's just part of who you are.
And I might challenge that and say, that actually true? And what if healing around that particular issue might not be what you think it is? And are you willing to be surprised? So have fun adventuring on this consciousness wave. And also don't forget, this is a two -part episode, so be sure to tune in next week when Brenna goes even deeper into her work around addiction.
love and this big choice she's teetering on the edge of. And until then, so much love. Thanks so much for being with
Chloe's Convo About Jake's Episode (45:26)
saying a huge thank you to Allie Halpert, who's the amazing musician who wrote the songs that you hear in this podcast. We have had the privilege to be able to sing some of Allie's songs in our retreats and workshops, and they've been really powerful additions to our work with people. You can hear more of Allie's music and check out more about Allie on Allie's website, Allie Halpert.
That's A -L -Y -H -A -L -P -E -R -T dot com.