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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 3:It is email day. Mars shared. Wowee, all y'alls. I just completed listening to all four l episodes. I decided to listen to them all at once as if it was one long episode.
Speaker 3:So powerful. I cried. I laughed. I got trancy and nauseous and cold and took a break. I hydrated.
Speaker 3:That was very special conversation to hear. Big wow's. That was intense. I'm so grateful to Elle who came on the podcast and shared with us and I'm happy to report that we are both making progress in our healing. I have found a support group specifically for religious trauma that I'm now going to once a week.
Speaker 3:And Elle has bought herself a keyboard, a big fancy keyboard, and is playing piano and singing again as well. And I love that we are healing and continuing to reclaim those parts of ourselves. Stephanie says, Getting older can be difficult but with the right perspective it is possible to avoid a midlife crisis. Are you accepting guest article submissions? I think you got the wrong podcast.
Speaker 3:Oh, see, I didn't even screen them today. I'm sorry. Anonymous shares, I'm really concerned about the brain spotting episode. So many red flags in terms of irresponsible practices and pseudoscience. Wow.
Speaker 3:Thank you for that feedback. I literally know nothing about brain spotting, which is why we asked them to come share, and I know nothing. So I can't even speak to it other than what they shared. And it's also been really hard to get anyone to share about it, but we get lots of questions about it. So if there's someone who has had it and wants to share, whether that was positive or a not positive experience, I'm totally down for that, but I can't speak to it at all.
Speaker 3:The unseen ones writes, although we love so many of you, we have to call out Sasha specifically since one of us feels like a kindred soul and loves her on the podcast. Okay. And Jean Marc is the best. We love you all.
Speaker 4:No. I'm the best. You can't say that you're saying I'm awesome and then say Jean Marc is the best. That's not cool. I am your favorite.
Speaker 1:And it's important that
Speaker 4:you know that. We love
Speaker 3:you all. This message is for Molly. Okay. What kind
Speaker 4:of shady deals are you pulling
Speaker 3:here? Unseen ones? I'm seeing you.
Speaker 4:Be right. We are at the end of
Speaker 3:2019 on the podcast episode, so maybe missing context for something, but here goes. Oh my goodness. 2019 stuff went down. 2020 got dark. We make it through to the other side, but oh my goodness.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness. Enjoy the ride. But, yes, you who think I'm so awesome even though John Mark is the best one has a message for Molly. Are you following this, people? Okay.
Speaker 3:They say, my name is Peter, but most just call me Pete. It was a pleasant surprise to find that you share the same faith tradition as I do, although you haven't explicitly mentioned it. I am intentionally not mentioning it here out of respect for people who do not want it discussed openly. Thank you for that. I'm not one that gets to have a bulk of our time.
Speaker 3:We have a protector caretaker who covers basic daily survival stuff like food, work, and parenting. Some of us can be co pilot. I struggle with it. It's hard to stick around when everything feels so different and unreal. I was there when Molly shared on the podcast, My system has experienced trauma surrounding religion.
Speaker 3:Without details, an abuser and well meaning or ignorant people were the reason for our trauma. Because of this, I am the only one who craves that spirituality. We have someone else inside who is spiritual, but does not view God the way that I do. It makes it harder that no one who gets the most time is also the one of the most phobic of us and our feelings. They started talking to the therapist about meeting needs and we have started to go back to religious services each week.
Speaker 3:That isn't why I mention it though. I am so grateful for Molly, for her experiences, her compassion and kindness, and her and vulnerability. God spoke directly to me through her. She said the things he knew I needed to hear. Such a profound sense of relief, validation, and connection to God.
Speaker 3:It meant so much. I haven't really heard from her on a podcast like that again, which makes sense since so many can be triggered by talk of religion, us included. I wanted her to know though that her bravery and choice to share reached out and did his work to touch the heart of someone buried so deep inside a son of God that sometimes I worry he will forget about me amidst everyone else. I know he won't, but the feeling is there. Thank you for sharing what I needed to hear despite my system struggles around such subjects.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness. I am so glad this was helpful. It is a hard and vulnerable thing to share anything from Molly, both internally and with the podcast. We're so aware of how sensitive it is that it's tricksy and not often, but we are making progress. And we are currently in a place that feels very safe spiritually.
Speaker 3:We actually have a church leader right now who has been more than tolerant of us and very kind. Not that I need someone to be tolerant of us, but I need someone who's willing to hold space for my questions and my healing, not because I doubt my faith, but because I'm really untangling what are abusive patterns from my past and what are abusive dynamics that's so easy relationally to fall into and not recognize, and what are just triggers from the past that can be healed in now time. And that's a lot of work to do. And so it does come up on podcast sometimes and it has been a year of that as we also looked at some issues with the husband about sexuality and about the impact of trauma even on our marriage and on our other relationships and what that means to us and what we wanna do about it and what healing looks like for us. And that is so individual to every single person that it's really hard to speak to that because we're all different.
Speaker 3:I know so many people who have been harmed by religion and so want no part of it. I know people who have worked to reclaim their faith and so have chosen a different religion or a different shape of spirituality that did not involve religion. And I know other people who use religion to reenact abuse dynamics from when they were little. And I know other people who are very grounded in their religion. And for them, it's a healthy and positive thing.
Speaker 3:And so it's really, really specific. But what we can do is speak our truth and vulnerably share the process of working through what it means to us and what reclaiming all of our parts and all of ourselves and states of being and experiences and what that means to us, even Molly. And that's pretty powerful. Thank you for sharing, Unseen Ones. And welcome to the community, Pete.
Speaker 3:We've seen you there, and we're so glad that you're with us. Ellen writes, I need advice. How do you guys handle adulting when littles are more towards the front? They want to help and be around and are excited to be out more, but they don't want to do the adult things that we need to do. How do you do adult things when you're feeling really little?
Speaker 3:It's also hard because when I'm doing things, everything just feels so big. Like my body is hard to move around because it's heavy and awkward feeling because I feel so little. Someone responded, my plan has been to request kiddos check out a room in my mind where they can just do kids stuff in a safe and neutral entertaining space with all the best toys and art supplies and comfy chairs and even puppies so they have something to do that is interesting enough not to distract me from other boring adult parts from handling our adult responsibilities. I turn down the sound in the room with permission so I can focus without hearing their thought input to what is said to me, but they can still see what's going on outside via a little window in their hangout space because hypervigilant kiddos need to see the outside world most of the time, but they don't necessarily find conversations interesting and definitely not tedious paperwork. This way, those who need to see everything and all the exits, so to speak, are still involved but not really participating in handling the care task of the mundane world, which they generally don't want to do, but may not entirely trust my judgment if an unexpected threat appears, which is fair, as I haven't reliably understood and responded to external threat levels so well in the past and left them hanging much to my dismay.
Speaker 3:So it may at first sound like I'm putting kids in time out, but in actuality, it's more like they are babysitting me while I do my homework. And of course, they don't have to stay in the room and we may have to muddle through together, especially if we are unable to stay grounded enough to use communication and visualization for comfort. I have, however, been disappointed to discover bribery has had only minimal success. Let me have an hour with the timer clock visible in the background so the kiddos can know when the excruciating boredom will end, and I'll let them have first dibs on the show we watch later. It's frankly just a pipe dream because they smartly recognize they can have the reward without anyone's full support most of the time if they wait me out and I forget my promise after I finish an hour of paperwork and I want to watch my show.
Speaker 3:Changing the reward can help. It's hardest when none of us can find motivation to do the thing. We all have to get some sort of reward. I keep forgetting to try to make a list of rewarding activities all of us like to do, but usually it is all of us playing with our dog that unites us. Puzzles added, I try to set aside time for younger ones to play.
Speaker 3:There is also an inside spot where younger ones can play inside and still see the front. Also, chores like using the swifter are good ones that younger ones can do and still have fun. Oh my goodness. These were such great ideas, which is why I wanted to share. Thank you everyone for letting me share your comments on that post.
Speaker 3:Unseen One says in the fans group on the community, listening to Unshame and couldn't even let you finish before buying the book on Kindle, then the other one you mentioned them as well. We already picked up on Amkara, thanks to the podcast. You gotta stop recommending amazing books. We're broke and don't have space for a library. Okay.
Speaker 3:But for real, keep recommending. These are blowing our mind as much as you express in your episodes. Here's to hoping we find more fantastically applicable material. Books are the best, aren't they? Azui, who just wrote the comment about how to help littles, also gave a donation to the podcast and said, thank you for being so amazing.
Speaker 3:I hope you have a wonderful day. Well, that was so kind of you. Thank you for your help, really. That kept us going that month. And the network where we keep up the community has actually raised its prices starting last month, $20 a month.
Speaker 3:And so your donation really helped us not have a lapse and be able to keep going. So those of you even who give small donations, anything helps, and we are so, so grateful. The unseen ones are listening to the podcast. Here's another comment they shared. Snuggle my muggle at the end of 2019.
Speaker 3:Oh, my heart. Thank you for sharing this episode. There has been a lot of heavy and super personally applicable and intense episodes lately. In 2019, you haven't even gotten to the intense episodes lately. You better put on your seat belt, buddy, because 2020 is rough.
Speaker 3:They said, this episode filled my heart with peace and delight, made me laugh out loud more than once, and soothed a part of me I didn't realize needed it. Special shout out to the little one who likes Trevor and is on a food kick. She was my favorite. Although your children are so smart and insightful. Great job, parents.
Speaker 3:Oh my goodness. I appreciate this so much because we now have five teenagers. Parenting is brutal. I can't even tell you. So I appreciate the encouragement.
Speaker 3:And also just to point out when you say a special shout out to the little one who's on a food kick, that was so tender and so sweet, but it was also a really, really big deal because she was coming off of her G tube and trying to eat food by mouth. And so it was a big deal that she was curious and trying and talking about food. All of that was so so healing and good for her. And actually, after she listened to herself talk about that on the episode, and we listened to it as a family, she actually started doing much better and is currently completely off her g tube and eating food by mouth. So it was a huge breakthrough for her as well.
Speaker 3:So that's pretty special. They also said, fish tanks, Christmas two thousand nineteen. The husband is so freaking sweet. The glowworm got me. I had to pull over and cry.
Speaker 3:I know. Right? The husband is so kind and so thoughtful and so generous with his tenderness and his words, and we really appreciate that. He absolutely has played a critical role in our healing as well. This person wrote in, I cannot tell if it's Eli or Ellie, and I apologize.
Speaker 3:It partly depends on gender, and it partly depends on country or culture or language. And so my apologies that I may not have that right. But the message says I am absolutely in love with your podcast. It has been such a blessing. As a Christian system, there were a lot of struggles with religion and coming to terms with this.
Speaker 3:Lots of faith hiccups and things like that. I only wish I discovered you sooner. Super duper informative, and you are so sweet. Oh, well, that's very kind. I don't know if we're always very sweet.
Speaker 4:I feel like we're a bit of
Speaker 3:a mess, but you all are so gracious and so supportive, and we are so grateful. Truly, truly, truly. Thanks for writing in, and welcome to the podcast. Sydney shares, I've gone back and started listening to the podcast from the very beginning. I started listening in 2019 when I was originally diagnosed with DID.
Speaker 3:I have found the episode Sasha Wrestles with Kindness and made me full on have an epiphany moment of connection within my system. I realized while I was listening to Sasha that me and another part in my system were getting completely different benefits from the podcast. I found Emma's episodes to be super informative and really connected with the therapy process. But the other part in my system really connected with Sasha and hearing her everyday life on the podcast made him feel like his perspective of our shared life was entirely valid. It started a whole conversation between the two of us about how sometimes you might not connect to representation because it isn't for you necessarily.
Speaker 3:But especially when you're part of a system, there could be other parts of you who that representation is for. It's kind of a ramble of a post, but we love how there's something for everyone in the podcast. Oh my goodness. I'm so glad that helped you all and that it helped in different ways. That's really beautiful.
Speaker 3:Way to work together, guys. They wrote again and said, I noticed you mentioned wanting to make the intro sound welcoming. Personally, I find that sort of vibe very welcoming and cozy and warm. I love the way an off key old time piano sounds. Our poor intro is getting so much attention now.
Speaker 4:I'm so
Speaker 3:sorry. Yes. It is a very old piano, and it's definitely off key. But I am glad again that you all are appreciating the heart in it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 3:The Unseen Ones writes, I just hit the differentiation episode from January 2020. Did anyone else feel like this unlocked the understanding of what DID is and how healing is possible? I think the biggest moment was dissociation from self instead of the experience. I, Eric, can remember things that happened to the others mostly since they've shown me. I can feel empathy for them like I would anyone else.
Speaker 3:That's the point though. That's DID right there. This sounds so stupid, but that's just it. While I know logically this happened to me or at least a part of me, I don't experience it that way. And that is actually the goal, to be able to work with all the parts of me and be able to work as a team more fluidly, sharing conscious experience of me ness that includes more than just me, Eric.
Speaker 3:Maybe this is a duh moment as this stuff seems so simple, but it's also so complex. I still am not sure we are done sitting with it, so we have paused our listening to process all the stuff that has happened in this last bit. I will say there is hope for the first time in a while, like actual concrete have a reason to hope. Oh my goodness, I'm so excited for all your breakthroughs! Cordelia shares, I did go ahead and watch about five episodes of Centaur World today and my brain is officially melted, But the husband's review of it was thoroughly amusing, so he gets points for that.
Speaker 4:You're so brave. We did not we did not ever go and watch it. This is from the Wama Wink episode. That's
Speaker 3:so funny. Brynn says, M standing up. Oh my heart, you go M. This was so amazing to hear. What an incredible moment of standing up for all of you inside and out.
Speaker 3:Good job wearing your brave pants, which made me smile, but I think you underestimate how much brave you have with or without those pants. It's brave skin. So proud of you. Okay. The thing I love the most about this is that who wants to wear pants?
Speaker 4:I'm not even talking about the pandemic. I mean, like, generally, pants are optional. So the fact that I don't even need to wear pants to be brave,
Speaker 1:this is fantastic. This is
Speaker 3:the best news anyone has ever given me since therapy was canceled last week. Brave skin. I love it so much. Asked on Patreon on the episode Doubt if we were the ones who wrote that song. And the answer is no.
Speaker 3:That song is a Mary J. Blige song that we did a cover of. We did not write the actual song. We shared some pictures of the outside kids on Patreon, and Cordelia said, They sure are growing up fast, and they look like they were off to a fun adventure. You are taking care of your family and your own needs both, and that sounds exactly like what we're all supposed to be doing.
Speaker 3:It doesn't, and can't, and shouldn't look the same for all of us. But every time I hear them, they sound like kids who are learning and growing and developing into fine young men and women. They seem like thoughtful and caring kids who know they are loved and have their needs met. It's a roller coaster, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. That made me sob.
Speaker 3:Like, I cried so hard when I got that message. Thank you for the encouragement, truly. We so appreciate you and appreciate all that you have been sharing and all the support that you have given us, over the last year, three years. You guys, it feels like we are officially finishing our sixth year of the podcast and starting our seventh year. And I can't even believe that.
Speaker 3:I'm so, so grateful truly for this journey that we've been on together. Laura writes, I have been listening to your podcast for many years. I am a clinical psychologist who has specialized in complex trauma and dissociation for over ten years. I have listened to the vast majority of your episodes myself, and I refer all of my clients with dissociative disorders to your podcast. And these days, I also tell them about the community.
Speaker 3:I was first drawn to your podcast because you helped me understand on a deeper level what it is like to realize you have DID and to make sense of it from the inside. Seeing you work through your attachment trauma related to Kelly and your friends has been very powerful and moving. You have given many people the gift of putting words and concepts to deep pain that is so often felt and not understood. The reason I chose to write to you now after so many years was to offer something in response to the Seasons of Love episode. While I didn't have the fortune to listen to it originally, I wanted to offer you and your husband some encouragement.
Speaker 3:As a member of the LGBTQ community, I was so sorry that you and your husband had to deal with such a negative response when he tried to share his process. My wife and I both grew up in conservative evangelicalism and attended the same evangelical liberal arts college. Oh goodness. This is already emotional for me. Okay, read, read, read.
Speaker 3:I have been involved in the leadership of the Unofficial LGBTQ Alumni Organization for my Evangelical College, and my wife and I have helped to mentor and support a number of LGBTQ students who grew up in conservative Christian homes. The reactivity that you and your husband stumbling into when he came out as celibate on your podcast is very familiar to me. As someone who has lived in the intersection between the LGBTQ and Christian communities, I know this polarization very well. In my LGBTQ alumni group, some people experience Christianity in general and our Evangelical College as a significant source of religious trauma. Other alumni experienced the college as an at least partly positive part of their spiritual and coming out journey and found ways to identify as LGBTQ and Christian.
Speaker 3:This leads to some significant internal conflicts in my alumni organization as we talked about how to support each other and reach out to students. As a leader who wanted to create a safe space for all LGBTQ alumni, I often felt I was trying to herd traumatized cats and wasn't always successful. But I wanted to reach out so that you and your husband know you are not alone. There are many, many other people who live in the intersection between growing up in a conservative religious and identifying as LGBTQ. Q Christian is a general resource for Christians.
Speaker 3:I've also been told that TikTok is a forum with many, many talking about the impact of the church and their sexuality on gender identity. And also, one more thing, my wife is a musician and I grew up playing piano and still sing and play piano and percussion. Your piano playing and singing are so expressive and beautiful. That listener who wrote in to criticize your music was full of shit. Please know many of us listen and support you in the community.
Speaker 3:Many blessings, Laura. That I can't tell you how powerful this is because we were just talking about Molly, right? Like the other message that was sent in for Molly. So this is so healing today. I can't even tell you what it means that these emails even overlapped because my specific faith experiences are something that are sacred to me and that I want to hold on to, but I am not okay with culture oppression using religion as power against people.
Speaker 3:I am not okay with abuse in the name of God. And I am not okay with anyone asking me to deny part of myself, whether that is my faith, because that is not always accepted in the LGBTQ community, or whether that is my sexuality, which is not always accepted in my faith community. So to find more and more safe people who have some version of faith or spirituality, even if it's not the same as mine, and to also understand the LGBTQ community is the most accepted and safe I have ever been in my life. And I am so grateful for these emails and the support since seasons and your patience as we literally spent a year processing just the seasons episodes. And by now, maybe by the time this airs, maybe Laura has heard it because the seasons episodes are gonna be released this spring again in a little bit different format where we sort of talk through them a little bit.
Speaker 3:And there are reasons that my testimony, if you will, of my own faith is so strong. One of those is because I had experiences as a child in very dire circumstances that cannot be explained any other way. Not the creativity of a child, not DID or dissociation, but beyond my own capacity to rescue me physically and emotionally, things happened that are far too sacred for me to even talk about on the podcast, but I cannot deny those experiences, number one. Number two, while any church full of humans is going to have problems because humans have problems, I have found a place that lets me have my faith but includes an understanding of the feminine divine, which is very, very important to me and was important to me for decades before I found this church. And three, I know that the husband and I don't fit the general model of anything.
Speaker 3:That we talk about that some in seasons. Like, we are so unique and so role reversed and so ourselves without worrying about how to fit into someone else's culture. I don't care about those things. Those things are not important to me. I'm never going to be someone else's version of what a woman should be or what a wife should be or what a mother should be.
Speaker 3:But I am fairly and fully confident in who I am supposed to be and who my system is becoming and who I want to be. And I am entirely okay with that. And finding ways to be okay with that and also navigate the world in such a way that I can be true to my faith, also have my needs met in mortality, and also be grateful for the husband who has been nothing but kind to me and also celebrate relationships and my family and what that looks like to me and how I define it to me, especially in the context of having had trauma in the past, of having deceased parents in the present, and having so many struggles because of relational trauma on top of everything else. So this is huge to me that we are navigating a place and finding a way to be more fully ourselves in an integrated experience, but still be accepted and loved as we are for who we are. And I love this email so much, I can't even tell you thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and healing brings hope.