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Today we have a (very adult) conversation all about healthy sex, relationships, communication, and (maybe) a little kink with Associate Family and Marriage Therapist, Destiny Morris!
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Sex, Relationships, and First Responders with Destiny Morris, AMFT
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Anchor Point Podcast Host: [00:00:00] What's going on? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. Today's episode is gonna be brought to you by Mystery Ranch, built for the mission. And if you have been rocking a mystery ranch, fire line pack, well, your back probably hates you. Yeah. They make arguably the best, the most well-built and the most comfortable wildland firefighting packs in the game, and they continue to innovate every damn day.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. And how do they do this innovation? Well, back in the day, uh, Dana Gleason, he went down to, uh, SoCal, tied in with a shot crew, and they actually helped, uh, collaborate, I guess you'd say. And that's where the inspiration came from for the, uh, hotshot packs. Yeah. So that thing that you're wearing on your back, if you're rocking a, uh, mystery ranch pack on the fire line, well that comes from input from you folks in the field, and that could have been done without the help of you folks on the ground.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. So a lot of design elements go into all this stuff and, uh, yeah, they keep, uh, making new stuff every day. Even more than that. They make tons of stuff outside of just buyer specific load bearing essentials. They make, uh, like this briefcase [00:01:00] that I got right here, it's uh, the three-way briefcase and they also make the, uh, assault 21 backpack.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Why do I mention these to you? Well, because Mystery Ranch draws a little bit of funding out of those sales of those packs, uh, those, uh, assault 20 ones and the three-way briefcases to fund another thing for you folks in the field. And that is gonna be the backbone series. It is freaking legit and I love to see the stories that, uh, people are writing.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And what is it you might ask? Well, it's a storytelling series about the, uh, realities on the ground. And if you have it, have a good story and you're selected, well there's a thousand dollars scholarship up for grabs for you to take to advance your career. So if you wanna find out more, go over to www.mysteryranch.com and check it out cuz they have a bunch of stuff.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And why do they keep doing this stuff? Well, it's Simple. Mystery Ranch actually gives a shit Yeah, they give a shit about you guys on the, and Girls on the field in the field. So once again, go over to www.mysteryranch.com and check it out. Think Anchor Point podcast is also gonna be brought to you by our Premier [00:02:00] Coffee sponsor and that's gonna be none other than Hotshot Brewery.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's kick ass coffee for Kick Ass cause. And a portion of the proceeds will always go back to the Wildland Firefighter Foundation. But in addition to kick ass coffee for Kick ass causes while they make a ton of other stuff, what is it you might ask? Well, if you're not familiar, I suggest you go over to www.hotshotbrewing.com and check out their full line of coffee.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: All of the tools of the trade to get your morning started off right and a full line of wildland firefighting themed apparel. It's pretty awesome. And they, uh, support the Anchor Point podcast over here by slinging some of our merch. So if you're looking for one of those Dorad stuff, posters or a Fire fied tea or one of the Banda Brothers tees, well they're housing all of that stuff and they do our printing and they ship it out from there.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And yeah, they support us in the whole process. So once again, go over to www.hotshotbrewing.com and check it out. The Younger Point Podcast would also like to give a quick little shout out to our buddy booze over at the Ass movement. And if you don't know what that is, well it stands for the Anti Surface Shitting Movement [00:03:00] and it is fricking awesome.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Least in my opinion. There's nothing more than I hate than uh, going camping under my favorite fly fishing spot. And, uh, seeing a human turd, that's gift wrapped in toilet paper just laying right there on the ground for everyone to see it. Yeah, it's disgusting. That shit needs to stop. But if you wanna be a part in this action and you wanna help correct people's behavior, so to speak, you can spread some propaganda.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Bearing your turds. Yes, by going over to www.thefirewild.com and checking out the ass movement. They've got posters, stickers, shirts, hats, all sorts of stuff to, uh, spread the wood. Good word about burying your turds. So once again, go over to www.thefirewild.com and check out the ass movement where listeners to this podcast can get 10% off their entire purchase sitewide by using the code anchor point ass 10.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Go check 'em out. And, and last but not least, I'd like to, uh, give a quick shout out to our, not necessarily, it's actually not a sponsor, but a cause and a organization that I deeply [00:04:00] believe in. And that is gonna be none other than the American Wildfire experience or a w e for short. And you've probably seen them, uh, running around on the, uh, old Instagram.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: They, uh, also the, they happen to be also the people that are housing the Smokey generation, uh, grant program. Yeah, it's pretty fricking awesome. And some of the projects coming out of that are fricking epic. So if you, uh, wanna take a trip down memory lane or see some perspectives from, uh, peers in your field, well go over to www.wildfireexperience.org and check it out.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And for those folks that are hungry to get one of those $500 grants from the Smokey Generation, well your opportunity is gonna be coming up here soon. Uh, staying tuned to the anchor point and the, uh, smokey Generation for more announcements. But there should be, uh, announced here pretty soon. And while.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Go check out all the, uh, smokey Generation grant recipients. It's pretty freaking awesome, Bethany. You have a kick ass organization over there. Keep it up.[00:05:00]
Anchor Point Podcast Host: The views and opinions of this podcast do not reflect the views and opinions of the United States government, the Department of the Interior, the Department of Defense, the Department of Agricul, United States Forest Service, the Bureau of Land Management, national Park Service, the Bureau of Indian Affairs, or any private municipal county or state firefighting organization, any law enforcement agency, any medical provider, or any contractor employed by any federal agency.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: What's going on, ladies? Gentlemen, welcome back. Hope everybody's doing well, and I hope that you, uh, all have geared up for the wind down the off-season. Yeah, make sure you're, uh, checking in on each other and you have a plan for the off-season because that boredom gets pretty gnarly. That, and keep, uh, texting each other.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Keep talking [00:06:00] on each other. Keep uh, checking in on each other and, uh, make sure everybody's doing well throughout the winter. Yeah, it's, uh, approaching the hard part of this, uh, wildland fire season. And, uh, yeah, I know a lot of people are, uh, already getting laid off. Like I said, checking in each other, take care of each other with that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Uh, we have an event this weekend. We have the Hidden Valley Hammer that's gonna be on, uh, Saturday, October 29th. So it is a super gnarly trail run the 10 k, uh, trail run. But if, uh, that's not your flavor and you still wanna run, well, they have a 5K as well that's a lot more mellow. And if you happen to be in the, uh, Reno, Nevada area Saturday, October 29th, well come swing by and, uh, support the cause.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Uh, all the, uh, proceeds go to benefit the Wildland Firefighter Foundation and there will be an after party at 3 95 Bar in grill over in, well, sun Valley. Well not Sun Valley, lemon Valley. That's what it is. Anyways, today on the show we have . This is gonna be a good one. I hope you all are buckled up. And you [00:07:00] may want to, uh, listen to this episode not on your speakerphone or not through your, uh, car radio.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Uh, you might wanna wear some headphones for this one because it is going to be very an S F W and that is not safe for work. So if anybody is, this is gonna be like the disclaimer part of this whole thing. So if anybody is, uh, not willing to talk about, uh, banging about doing the nasty bumping UGLi, having sex, You get the idea?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, you might want to, uh, shy away from this episode because it's not necessarily graphic, but if, uh, it makes you uncomfortable, this is not the episode for you. So with that being said, we are gonna talk about first responders and their love lives. I think this is, uh, one of those subjects that a lot of people kind of shy away from and, uh, a lot of people in relationships probably need to hear.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It doesn't hurt to have somebody who specializes this, specializes in this sort of thing on the show. And, uh, [00:08:00] yeah, kind of improve that love life and, uh, you know, spice it up in the bedroom if you need to. Uh, yeah, keep things. There's really nothing more intimate than obviously being intimate. So listen up to this cuz it's only going to improve your sex life.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: We're gonna talk about distance, sexless, uh, relationships, timing, distance problems. We're gonna talk about, uh, mismatched sex drives, pregnancy planning, sexual dysfunction, communication, all this stuff that goes into the sexual component of your relationship. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce my good friend, destiny Morris, welcome to the Anchor Point.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: All right, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of the Anchor Point Podcast. Today on the show we're gonna get a little bit of controversy out of this episode. I have a feeling and we're gonna talk about the, uh, doing the dirty, mopping up the stunt pool. You. Pumping UGLi, we're gonna talk about all the healthy things [00:09:00] we can do to in, I guess, enhance our relationships, uh, both in the bed and with our interpersonal relationships between our loved ones.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So I'd like to introduce Destiny Morris. How are you doing tonight? Hi.
Destiny Morris: Thanks for having me. I'm good. How are you? I'm
Anchor Point Podcast Host: doing great. And, uh, you are a associate family and marriage therapist and this is kind of cool cause I'm not like super stoked because this is like one of those topics that everybody wants to talk about, but they probably talk about it wrong.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Mm-hmm. . So let's, let's go from someone who's a subject matter expert. I'm stoked about this episode.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, I'm excited too. It's funny, as soon as I start talking about sex on my Instagram or other platforms, other podcasts, people just crawl outta the bushes and they they wanna know about it. They wanna listen.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, well, I mean, it's, it's, um, let's not kid ourselves around, we're grown ass adults. I mean, sex is, uh, other important part of life in my opinion, and it's also an important part of, uh, relationship. I mean, gotta have chemistry there and you gotta have chemistry in [00:10:00] other places aside from the bedroom and you're the expert on that one.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So, like I said, I'm freaking stoked about that, but yeah, I'm stoked
Destiny Morris: too. Yeah. So tell us about yourself. I'll, so I have a private practice. Um, I am, like you said, associate marriage and family therapist, and I see all of my clients on Zoom. Anybody that's in the state of California, um, I primarily, Work with first responders and first responder families or partners.
Destiny Morris: So, um, the topic of sex comes up often, if not always, in my individual sessions with first responders. And I've noticed that there's this trend of not wanting to talk about it as, um, a bigger platform. I don't see a lot of pages, a lot of podcasts talking about what sex looks like in a first responder relationship because there are many challenges.
Destiny Morris: And I think we need to normalize them and we need to talk about them very openly. Like you said, we're all adults here, [00:11:00] we should be able to have these conversations. So I have a lot of tips and tricks that I wanna share, but I also wanna talk about some of the stuff that needs to be normalized and I think a lot of people struggle with.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. All right. So honest question here for you. Um, do you think there's kind of like a, uh, a, a fantasy element now? I'm not trying to say that to be chauvinistic or anything like that, but the person in uniform, whether, whatever flavor you like, I mean, do you tend to notice more people like kind of drawn to the first responder kind of community as far as a partner?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Is that what is, do you happen to know what the thing is? Like what's the attractiveness behind that?
Destiny Morris: No. Uh, well we've sexualized firefighters. Let's just be real here. We have calendars and now the mustache is a thing. I see yours but .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, it's horrible. It's kind of creepy that I'm talking to you about this subject and I have this really creepy mustache, but yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Story.
Destiny Morris: I think that the mustache is definitely what draws a lot of women in right now. I've noticed that It's a look, it's a thing. It's in, [00:12:00] it's in. Yeah. And what's interesting, and I could say this from my perspective, is I've been in a relationship with a first responder before, is that when you get into it, it's exciting.
Destiny Morris: You're like, oh, wow, my boyfriend or my fiance or my husband does this amazing job. Um, you don't actually know what you're getting into. Not a good if No. Oh my gosh. If someone would've gone back and been like, Hey, destiny, this is what long summers feel like, and did you know you're gonna be home alone for a month at a time and he's gonna come home smelling like butt and fire?
Destiny Morris: Like I would've no idea. No one, yeah. No idea at all. So you're right. It's an attraction. And I don't think that there's a lot of, um, thought behind it as far as what that lifestyle looks like. Yeah. Well
Anchor Point Podcast Host: also I think that with the hypersexualization of first responders, uh, whether that be male or female, yes.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Um, I think that, you know, it also kind of el alludes to some preconceived notions, uh, about the [00:13:00] industry and about like that lifestyle that a lot of people, like you said, yourself, have no fucking clue what they're getting into. Mm-hmm. . Yeah. So, yeah, I don't know.
Destiny Morris: It's not just men. I, I wanna take that back too.
Destiny Morris: Female firefighters are hot shit. I mean, I work with a lot of them, and they are just very strong, badass women. And I could see why guys would be attracted to that too. So both sides, you know, it's an important job. It's, um, attractive to see your partner be doing something that's risky or, um, risking or, or serving other people.
Destiny Morris: There's something attractive about that as well. So it's not just the hypersexualization of it. I think that the nature of the job can be attractive as well. Oh,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: absolutely. Yeah. And then, uh, as far as a young person's sport, you know, you get a bunch of single men and women that are in this hypersexualized and, uh, very dangerous kind of career.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's in kind of inevitability that probably two [00:14:00] firefighters are gonna end up linking up,
Destiny Morris: so. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I've seen this so much. And it's, um, really interesting looking at those relationships because they are dealing with this on a magnified level, especially when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Destiny Morris: It's a whole different ballgame. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh yeah, I, yeah. And, uh, my, my, uh, experience with dating a fellow, uh, person in the industry, a fellow firefighter, uh, I, I all 100% can recommend. I don't do that. don't do that. . Yeah. Not for me. At least I've seen people work it out though. I mean, yeah, just in fact, uh, last week, um, we had, uh, lined and Matt lined on the show and they've lasted the test of time, which is really hard.
Destiny Morris: It is good on them. Yeah. It's not for everybody.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's definitely not. So let's get into it. So what are some things that you're noticing right off the bat when you talk to some of your clients, uh, regarding [00:15:00] their, either their relationships or their intimacy issues or let's just go at it. Let's let you take the lead on that cuz obviously I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I'm just guessing. .
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Let me lay out kind of like a broad thing and then we can hone in on what we wanna talk about specifically. Absolutely. So, um, with the people that I'm working with, communication is not happening in a lot of couples, especially first responder couples. And, um, that is the top of everything.
Destiny Morris: That's like the top of the pyramid. Everything trickles down after that. So communication's a big one, but I'm noticing that a lot of, um, partners are feeling distant from each other. And that might be because they've had a long summer or they've been on a lot of fires and gone. Um, but even when they come home, they're feeling distant.
Destiny Morris: And I was just thinking about this today, that we're winding down on like the hectic part of fire season. I know that fire season is not a season anymore, especially we're in California. So. But now that we're winding down a little bit for the people [00:16:00] that are more seasonal, they're gonna be home for a good amount of time.
Destiny Morris: And that's a huge adjustment for both partners. Oh yeah. And you might still feel that distance with your partner even when they are home. Um, so that's a big one. I don't know if we wanna pause or you wanna, you want me to run through points? No, go take it away going, yeah. Okay. Um, another one I see a lot is sexless relationships.
Destiny Morris: Partners that are not having sex. And to me that is a red flag because sex is something that we use in relationships to go close to each other. Oh, yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Forming intimacy. Well, I think there's really nothing more intimate or vulnerable than doing the act, I guess. I mean, that's, that's like the closest you could probably be to somebody besides I guess telling them about your deepest, darkest fear secrets and all that stuff.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah. Physically close too. It's, it's close. We can get to a person and so when I hear of relationships that are not having that sexual intimacy, that's, that's a red flag. Um, but I, I hear it a lot and there's a lot of factors [00:17:00] that come into having a sexless relationship, like timing. Um, mismatched sex drives is a big one.
Destiny Morris: Your partner comes home and they wanna get it on and you don't, or vice versa. And, and I think that there is this really, well, I know that there's this really interesting thing that happens when, and it happens both ways. So I see it one way where the first responder will come home from a fire or wherever they've been a shift and they need to decompress.
Destiny Morris: They're not ready to be intimate in that way because they've been super hypervigilant. They've been around a bunch of dudes. That part of them, that emotional part of them is turned off. So I see that sometimes. Um, and then the partner that's at home is disappointed, feels rejected, wants to know if they're not attracted to them anymore.
Destiny Morris: Maybe there's someone else. They're really bidding for that partner's attention because they've been gone for so long and they want it and they're not getting it. And then I see it the other way around. Or the first responder comes home, he's been in the [00:18:00] wilderness for however many days and he is like, girl, let's go.
Destiny Morris: Like or guy, right? And the partner at home is like, I'm really used to being alone. I've been alone for a month. I need to at least have some warmup conversation before we do this. And you need take a shower, . Yeah. And take, please take a shower. . So I see it on both ends. It's not just one or the other. Um, it can happen on both.
Destiny Morris: Um, and then pregnancy planning is a big one. Oh yeah. I mean, and you have kids, so Yeah. You. Trying to plan, having a baby and, and trying to make sure that you're having sex while she's ovulating and all these different things. It, it doesn't happen like a normal nine to five couple would have the liberty of doing so.
Destiny Morris: Definitely. So there's a lot of stress
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. In there. Oh, absolutely. And, uh, another thing too is like, I mean, if you have like a, a very hard and rigid schedule as far as like timelines for wanting to have children, I [00:19:00] mean, there's a significant portion of the year that you have to avoid with a wild and firefighting season.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Like you obviously wanna be, uh, having that, having your child in the fall or the winter to maximize that time together, especially with the newborn man, that, that time, that critical time with that first six to eight months, I mean, that's irreplaceable.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's, that's a big part of that too.
Destiny Morris: And then the last point I have is, um, no one's gonna like to hear this, but it's real true that there's a high percentage of first responders that struggle with sexual dysfunction, both men and female.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh, I wonder what causes that.
Destiny Morris: I believe it's caused by hypervigilance. So hypervigilance of always being on as far as, um, watching your surroundings.
Destiny Morris: You know, what makes first responders good at what they do is the fact that they can be hyper. If you are [00:20:00] not able to be hypervigilant, you are probably not a very good first responder. If you are unable to switch off that button that turns off our emotions and turns on our hypervigilance while responding, it can get really dangerous.
Destiny Morris: I think that's where a lot of accidents happen with first responders, whether you're wild land or on the floor, because you have to be able to turn off your own emotional needs and serve somebody else and be able to act fast in any kind of crisis or time of need in emergency. So when you're super used to doing that, it's really hard to flip that switch back on again.
Destiny Morris: So what I see is, and I see this with nurses as well, I work with all first responders, they come off a really long shift or a hard shift, and their partner wants to be intimate with them, and they try and they're unable to get their head in the game. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Anybody gonna touch that? No.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No. sure there's a joke in there [00:21:00] somewhere. Sorry, I digress.
Destiny Morris: Both men and female though, I mean, it can happen with, with both, where it's just they're unable to focus on an emotional, intimate level. Because that switch has been off for so long, it, I like to call it like a defrosting period, and then a heating backup period.
Destiny Morris: When you're going into your shift, and I don't know if you ever feel this, but there's that time when you come home where you're defrosting back into being a husband and a dad and a normal part of society. And then usually the night before your shift, you kind of sit into that rewarming up again, where you're turning that hyper vigilance back on.
Destiny Morris: You're able to listen for tones. Um, you probably don't get good night's sleep the night before you go into your shift because you are preparing yourself to be in that mode again. So I see a lot of sexual dysfunction play into that part.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And uh, I will say that that hyper vigilance, even if you're far removed from fire, like I'm out of [00:22:00] fire, I've been out for three years now, but I still have that, uh, tendency to be hyper vigilant even though, even though I'm very well removed from fire nowadays.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Um, but also I think another thing that might contribute to those, uh, sexual dysfunction issues is lack of sleep. A piss poor diet. Your lack of recovery. Mm-hmm. the constant stress. I mean, it's kind of like the perfect storm. So, yeah. It's crazy. So let, let's expand on that one. I mean, how do all these things kind of, they all have like a, an intricate relationship with each other that this whole list, the distance, the sexless relationships, the timing, the mismatched sex drives, the pregnancy planning, I mean all of that kind of plays into like a bigger picture here.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So we worked our way top to bottom on this lips list. Let's work our way back up and kind of dive into the deeper details.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, let's do that. You know, um, I wish that this stuff would be talked about on like an academy level or when we hire our wildland guys. [00:23:00] Um, because it's not, and what happens more often than not, and I'm sure some of the listeners can, um, attest to this, is you have to learn these things the hard way.
Destiny Morris: There is no manual rule, that book of how to navigate any of this or know if it's going to affect you or not. And so I think that's why this is such a hot topic, is because people want to know more and they want to, to talk about it in a very open way, in a way that should have been talked about when they first entered the job.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh, absolutely. Even on top of that, I think we have a very prude society, if you wanna like get my opinion on it. I think from the, we're taught abstinence and all this stuff in like share class, if that's still a thing. Even, I mean this is granted 30 something years ago, but. Yeah, it we're, we're pre-trained to be a prude, so to speak, in a context of talking about sex, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And sex is a very critical part of your [00:24:00] entire life journey, yet we don't talk about it because it's taboo. So I think that's another thing that compounds it. And when you get into this fire service or the, I guess, any first responder kind of context, it becomes amplified.
Destiny Morris: Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Like you said, it has to do with, you know, your diet and your sleep and your stress levels.
Destiny Morris: All of that is just as important as your sex life if you are sexually active. So, um, yeah, let's dive into detail. So I guess feeling distance I think is a big one. If I'm going from the top down again, um, I see that so often, and I work both with the partners of first responders and the first responders, so I have this unique perspective of both.
Destiny Morris: And then I, like I said, I've had the lived in experience of it as well, but I think that that distance can really, the disconnect that you feel with your partner plays a huge role. I mean, um, I don't know if you've had any personal experience with this too, or if you even feel comfortable sharing, [00:25:00] but I think that when you're gone for so long and then you're reconnecting again, it, it's, it's a really interesting time.
Destiny Morris: You
Anchor Point Podcast Host: know, I don't a hundred percent, 110%. It's like you're going 120 miles an hour and then slamming that car into reverse practically, and then you have to like reintegrate yourself into your home life or your relationship and a lot of other things. But if you're in a relationship, it's kind of hard because you just kind of want to word vomit on your partner, like all the things you just experienced on a tour of duty, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But typically it's really fucking boring because let's be honest with ourselves, our jobs is a lot of hurry up and wait. And it's a very intermixed with very sporadic periods of I'm gonna die moments. But that's the only thing we talk about. I mean, really, it's kind of boring, but you gotta gotta get it off your chest.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And I think that that distance, in my experience from my previous relationships, that I think that that distance, distance kind of stems from them tuning out and they're not like [00:26:00] understanding you and what you've walked in those shoes, that you've, those boots that you've walked in for so long. That's where a majority of my distancing has come from.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I wanna say my personal experience. Yeah.
Destiny Morris: And that's, I hate to say this, um, but that's where the majority of infidelity comes from. Ooh, yeah. I really not feeling, not feeling understood, not feeling like you have a place to share with your partner or your spouse, what you've seen on your tour of duty in, in what you've walked through.
Destiny Morris: Um, or feeling like it's unsafe to do so maybe your spouse has told you like, I don't wanna hear the details, don't stress me out anymore. Yeah,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: well they're, we're sitting there at home worrying about you. I mean, especially if you are like in a committed relationship like a marriage or if you have kids or anything like that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I mean, yeah, it gets pretty damn boring and I could understand not wanting to stress about what you experience online and also, you know, it probably gets a really, really repetitive as well.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Well then another thing too, and I'm [00:27:00] thinking from the partner perspective, but I think it's good for the first responder to hear this, is that I see two sides of the spectrum.
Destiny Morris: I see very, very anxious, the girlfriends and the wives that stock poles point, that stock Twitter, um, the hashtag of the fire that stock the department, and they wanna be in the note at all times because it gives them a sense of control. Because as a partner you're completely out of control. You don't get to choose when you get, you know, called out or toned out at different times.
Destiny Morris: On your days off, you're supposed to get your two days off of the month and you get called to another fire, you're supposed to come home and you get, you know, diverted to another one in that area. So the partner is, the anxious partner is latching onto any kind of control that they can have. So that comes with them like stalking the fires.
Destiny Morris: It helps them feel more in control. Then there's the other side of the spectrum, which is usually the more seasoned fire wives or first responder wives, um, or males I guess too. Sorry, I don't mean to sexualize in that way, [00:28:00] but, um, bear with me. Um, with that I see them being more removed because they are so used to being disappointed.
Destiny Morris: They have this barrier up that protects them and so they're not even phased when their partners leave. They're just like, ah, okay. See you when I see you. It's almost easier when their partner's gone for them.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. They're so used to it too. And I think, uh, a another person out there in the community that does that a, a very good job of explaining that from the partner's perspective is the Dear Chief's podcast.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. Yeah. She's
Destiny Morris: wonderful. Yeah. I just recorded with them for the third time this past week. Nice. And actually on the same topic, so , there we
Anchor Point Podcast Host: go. Look at that. . It must be a hot topic. It's
Destiny Morris: a hot topic. And they do a great job at explaining from the partner's perspective. Absolutely. Oh,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: absolutely. And I think, uh, to walk a mile in those other shoes of those other fire boots, well keep in mind that the home unit definitely has a say in these relationships, so don't ever discount them.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And I know I [00:29:00] made that mistake in my past. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's just a doomed recipe for disaster if you get into that habit. Of not communicating and then growing that distance even farther. And also, I wanna say that it probably creates a lot of insecurities for both sides. I mean, we're talking about the firefighter or the first responder, not feeling in a, a safe capacity to explain what they experience yet they gotta get that shit off their chest.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yet the, the spouse or the partner at home is experiencing the same level of anxiety and insecurity because they don't know when their better half is gonna be going off into God knows where for how many days, right? Yeah.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And I think, um, to further on the point of insecurity too, I think that relationally for the first responder who maybe doesn't have cell service or maybe your relationship wasn't very strong as far as trust goes, maybe there's been infidelity in the fa in the past, or maybe you don't fully trust your partner.
Destiny Morris: So when you're gone for that [00:30:00] many days without being in touch, it could bring up a lot of insecurities, which can get in the way of your job performance. I mean, you know, but if you have that in the back of your head, let's say you get in a big fight with your partner, or you're worried that your partner's gonna, you know, be talking to some man or seeing somebody else while you're away, that can really get in your head when you're working.
Destiny Morris: Oh yeah. Especially when
Anchor Point Podcast Host: you're alone out in the middle of nowhere and have nothing better to think about, which you should be thinking about the fire. But I've seen people come completely apart thinking about that stuff. Oh, I have too. Yeah,
Destiny Morris: it sucks. And then from the partner's perspective, same thing. My partner isn't reaching out to me.
Destiny Morris: I haven't heard from him in a long time. You know, I sent him a sexy picture and he just gave it a thumbs up. Like, why am I not getting the emotional response that I feel like I need? Because they are bidding for this, um, attention and this closeness. But a lot of first responders don't have the capacity to do that when [00:31:00] they are in the head space of working.
Destiny Morris: Oh yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: The thumbs up when they're sending you something provocative. Yeah. And I've, I've done that. I, I don't have time to have a long drawn out conversation via text message. And you're lucky that I even have service in this first part. But thanks for the nude babe. I appreciate it. But I'll try and get back to you later.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And I understand that, but you know, caveat to that, I understand the insecurity that stems from that, especially when you don't get the response that you wanted to elicit in the first place.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And then resentment builds. Mm-hmm. . And what's so interesting about that is I will just say that when I see couples, I see a lot of fire and police couples that will come, um, they're coming in way too late for therapy, way too late because they're getting to this point where they haven't talked about anything important or significant for eight to 10 years, maybe five years.
Destiny Morris: And they stop and go. They sit in my office and they go, wow, how did we get. . And what's [00:32:00] interesting is I can always stem it back to little tiny, like bits of resentment earlier on in their marriage or their relationship that they decided to sweep under the rug and not communicate
Anchor Point Podcast Host: about kinda death by a thousand cuts kind of mentality.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I, we've seen it, I mean, the divorce rate with first responders, I mean, it's uh, it's very high. Yes, it's very high. And like you're saying, I mean, there's, it's not like it's a, a, a big secret, but I mean, if we wanna just like really not sweep shit under the rug and kind of address these concerns before they come to a head, yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I think that's gonna be a good pivot for a lot of the people out there in the community.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And that, that comes back to communicating as a, as an umbrella over all of these different points. So feeling distant, communicating about that looks like, I mean, from the first responder's perspective, Hey babe, I really, um, miss you when I'm gone.
Destiny Morris: I can't [00:33:00] wait to see you, but I just wanna let you know that when I'm out there, have a really hard time being able to, you know, have these con these sexual conversations or listen to all the things that are going on about your day. Um, I know it's hard, but I'm just not there. So being able to communicate if you're, if you're not able to do it, say something.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. Just being transparent and honest I think is nine tenths of the
Destiny Morris: battle. Yes. And no one. And not no one. But a lot of people don't do that. They're afraid to do that. And same with the partner communicating your needs, right? Yeah, no, absolutely. No. I'm feeling really insecure when you're gone. Like, yeah, just I need you to call or text me when you have service.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. Being honest and forthright and uh, also I think that reading the room is also one of those caveats, like no wind to shut the fuck up. A hundred percent.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Well, I think too, like when, as a partner, I guess from that perspective, when we call our first responders, um, we are, [00:34:00] like you said, wanting their attention, feeling insecure and wanting to tell them about the day and the things the kids are doing and this and that.
Destiny Morris: But when you're in that head space of working or you're out on a fire and you have a limited amount of time and service and you're surrounded by all your other guys on your crew or girls on your crew, like, you're not gonna get into this heavy emotional conversation with your spouse.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No, definitely not , because everybody's gonna give you a ration of shit if you get caught.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Oh, I love you so much, baby. Like, no, that's not happening. . I can
Anchor Point Podcast Host: see the ration just be like, Ooh, you like people fucking with you. Yes.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. So that's so communicating, right? Um, mismatched sex drives communicate. If you are needing more than what your partner's giving you, your needs are not being met.
Destiny Morris: Say something. Oh my goodness. Say something. I think of this maybe more so from a woman's perspective than a man. [00:35:00] It's a little easier for a man to get it going and get it over with. And for a female, it takes a lot more. We are crockpots , so to speak. It takes more effort, it takes more time. It takes a lot of concentration to get there.
Destiny Morris: And if that's never happening for you, or if you are one of the women that fake it, please stop it and communicate. Thank you.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Round of applause. It, I, I, I know dudes that have faked orgasms as well. If it just So cart launch. If you fake an orgasm, I mean, it's probably really hard to fake an orgasm for a guy, but don't fucking do that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That's It's shitty. It's shitty.
Destiny Morris: Knock it off. Yeah. Yeah. And, and I think that we're afraid of hurting our partner's feelings, right? And saying like, well, actually I didn't finish. Like, actually you're not doing it for me. Well, how are they ever supposed to know? Yeah. If, you know, and then this leads me into a, Ooh, I'm getting fired up.
Destiny Morris: Ok. , this leads [00:36:00] me into having your own relationship with your sexuality. Um, if you don't know your, and I'm speaking to women here, or just for a second. So have a seat. Men, women come a little closer or listen up. Um, if you don't know your own body, how do you expect your partner to? So if you're not taking the time to figure out what turns you on, what you like, How the heck are you expecting your husband or your partner to do that for you?
Destiny Morris: That's so much pressure. Like learn, learn your body, please learn yourself, and then teach your partner what you like and communicate about it. That is where good sex
Anchor Point Podcast Host: comes from. A hundred percent. Like if you don't know your body, I mean that's, yeah, that's one of those things where people don't come with an instruction manual.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No. Yeah. Everyone's different. Everybody's different. Yeah. I mean, some women need toys, some dudes need something else. I mean, it's, it's, it's the spectrum, right? It's just whatever's you're into and you need to be comfortable enough and confident enough and secure enough to [00:37:00] express those needs to your partner, I think.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And I think that's a recipe for any good sex, really. Mm-hmm. like, Hey, if that's working, okay, cool. Do that, but communicate it because you don't come with an instruction manual. Neither do I. So let's figure
Destiny Morris: this shit out. And I think a lot of people ask like, how practically, how do we do this? Like how do we communicate about this?
Destiny Morris: What does that look like? Because I think we are afraid of rejection. Yep. And we are afraid of failure. And I think that's why a lot of men and women don't try certain things in the bedroom. Or they do the same thing every single time and it gets really monotonous because we are afraid of rejection and failure.
Destiny Morris: Like, whoa, , whatcha are you doing? So a way to, I think, bring this up. And something that I will, you know, I talked to my couples about it too, is when you are done having sex, When you're cuddling or whatever you do afterwards, ask your partner, what was your favorite? Let's talk about it. It's almost like a
Anchor Point Podcast Host: [00:38:00] Yeah. Post a, oh my god.
Destiny Morris: A little debriefing. Awesome. You know, what did you like? What do you wish? Or like, did you know what fo good to you? What did you, what about what didn't feel good to you? Or what was your favorite? And then from there, in that space, especially after you, if you've both magically orgasmed, which doesn't always happen, but usually one person has, um, then you're feeling more relaxed and you're like, you know, you're breathing together and just like ready for bed.
Destiny Morris: Getting that oxy. It's very common. It's a good time. Bring up like, you know, I kinda would want you to try this next time. Like, would you be open to that? Yeah. And then you fall asleep and you forget the conversation ever happened. , .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's even worse when alcohol's involved. Oh my
Destiny Morris: gosh. Yeah. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yes. Here's a question for you though.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Uh, so I know there's, uh, a lot of taboo subjects out there and we tend to think of sex as a very [00:39:00] vanilla, you know, straight up missionary kind of thing, or your typical doggy style or whatever. Um, however, what about those folks out there that might be into like kink or something like that, or some have some sort of sexual fantasy that really they want to try, but.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: They have a hard time communicating that need to their partner. Like how would you, what recommendation would you give to them?
Destiny Morris: There's a few, I guess like fun ideas to bring that up. So one is a podcast. Um, there are many, many podcasts that talk about this stuff. Find one, listen to a part of it, and then be like, Hey babe, listen to this podcast with me.
Destiny Morris: What do you think? ? So that's one way to introduce it. If you don't really feel like you have the, um, courage to just up and say it. Um, be
Anchor Point Podcast Host: more subtle about
Destiny Morris: it, kinda. Yeah. Or even like showing an Instagram, there's tons of Instagram accounts that talk about this kind of stuff too. Like, Hey, did you see this Instagram account?
Destiny Morris: Like what do you think about this? [00:40:00] Um, yeah, it can see more taboo, but have you ever heard of the ? It's kinda goofy, but, um, don't visit, don't it? No, don't. Yuck. My yum. Have you heard that? I have not heard of that. Okay. So I hear that in the kink world a lot, like, don't yuck my yum because everybody is different and you don't know if your partner would be interested in it unless you bring it up to them.
Destiny Morris: True. So I guess if you're brave enough, then you bring it up verbally and just say, Hey, this is something I've been thinking about. Would this be something you'd be interested in trying? But also respecting your partner because if it's something like that, they just think is so wild and crazy and they would never do.
Destiny Morris: You kind of have to cut your losses and maybe, um, find some kind of medium or halfway point or something else for you guys to try, because obviously it has to be consensual and both people need to be into it for it to be good. Oh,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: absolutely. Yeah. And I think, uh, respecting boundaries is one of those critical things of a healthy relationship as well, whether that's in the bedroom or, [00:41:00] you know, just normal day-to-day business.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, absolutely.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. And having that trust and that connection with someone, and we're talking about good sex, like that is one of the top things next to communicating is having that trust where you just feel so safe with your partner that you don't, you don't care what you look like or what you sound like.
Destiny Morris: It's just like a good bonding close experience where afterwards you're both like, wow, I feel so much closer to you. Um, and I think a lot of times it's not that it's not, it's a quick one and done like, all right, monotonous, like, you know, we do it this way and then it's over with. We roll over and we fall asleep.
Destiny Morris: That's, I just don't think that's what sex is supposed to be. And sometimes it is like that. Sure. You know, we have children and busy lives and schedules, but if you're not making time to at least have some like bomb ass pa like passionate sex once a month. You need to reconsider, you need to get a babysitter.[00:42:00]
Destiny Morris: do something once a month. That's it. It doesn't have to be every time. Cause I know that's a time, it's a, it takes time to have good sex like that. But I think that there needs to be that kind of connection in a relationship. And I think that's what keeps a lot of people's sex lives and relationships feeling really strong.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh, absolutely. And, you know, throwing kids into the mix too, it's, it's, it becomes really complicated, really fast. I mean, you're kind of trying to bang it out between one kid melting down and the other one's sleeping. It's like, Hmm, can we make this happen? Let's go, let's go. Go like one of those things. And it's, it's hard.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But also, I mean, you gotta have that compromise element to it as well. And you kind of gotta figure out what you guys like or what your partner likes. Um, you gotta be trustworthy. You have to, uh, I think also be open to being vulnerable too, because your partner might not try or might will be into something that you are not into.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So I mean, are you gonna try it or are you gonna entertain it? Are you gonna act upon it? Are you gonna try and just please [00:43:00] them even though you don't like it? And I think that's another thing that we kind of fail to recognize is we often go above and beyond to try and please our partner because we are professional problem solvers at the end of the day and we try and make things right.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So if your partner is not necessarily demanding, but asking for something, you're probably gonna be a little bit more, uh, I. Subjected to trying it, even if you don't like it and pretending. And I think that's one trap that people fall into, if that makes any sense.
Destiny Morris: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Most people have to be on board, and I think that there's a way to communicate it too, where if your partner brings up like, Hey, I wanna try this, instead of going, uh, you wanna try that?
Destiny Morris: What, where did you even see that? Where did you hear that? Like, why would you wanna do that? That sounds horrible. You're, you're shaming your partner and like you said in the beginning, sex has become such a taboo topic because there's so much shame around it in the culture that we've grown up in. Oh, absolutely.
Destiny Morris: And in the United States, especially [00:44:00] looking at other cultures, they don't have that same shame around sex
Anchor Point Podcast Host: that we have. No, you spend a month in Europe and you realize how open, uh, and equal as well, uh, man, woman, same sex relationships, it doesn't matter. It, it's like out, out there, they talk about it freely and it's not like taboo or anything like that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But here, over here in the United States and probably a few other handful of countries around the world, I mean, it's a, it's like, no, that happens, you know, when mommy and daddy love each other very much. , you know, and I think it's bullshit, really. I think that, uh, I think that being open, honest, and accepting of your needs, your own needs and your partner's needs is a recipe for a healthy, uh, sexual relationship and just relationship in general.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Absolutely.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah. And, and being able to not judge or shame your partner when they share stuff like that with you is big. And that's what's gonna create that safety and that closeness to [00:45:00] have a good sex life is to be able to feel like you can bring those things up and say, you know, Hey, I really like when you do this, or this is a big one.
Destiny Morris: So if there's something your partner does that you don't like, which I see often, there's a way, this is a tip that I use with a lot of my couples. I see there's a way to communicate this. Um, have you heard of a compliment sandwich? I have not. Oh, yay. Okay. You can use this in all different places. It doesn't have to be sex related, but work related it could use, it could work too.
Destiny Morris: So to give a compliment sandwich, you start with the compliment, which is the bun or the bread of the sandwich. And it would, it would look something like, um, you do such a good job at this. It makes me feel so good. I love when you do that. That's the compliment. And then the meat of the sandwich is the constructive criticism.
Destiny Morris: And you say, but when you do this, it kind , it doesn't do it for me. Like, I don't really love when you do that. And then you end with the other bottom bread, which [00:46:00] is another compliment. But I love that you're trying to please me. It really, it makes me feel really loved by you. Compliment sandwich. So it doesn't make the person feel like shit because you're able to deliver in a way of compliment.
Destiny Morris: Constructive criticism. Compliment versus like, Hey, when you do that, I hate it. Don't ever do it again. . Like, , then they're not gonna wanna ever try anything because they got shut down so hard. Well,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: yeah, I mean, you're just like basically shutting down something that may have been enjoying and you're just kind of shaming them in a, in a sense.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . That's a good, that's a good tip. Thank you. I might carry that one along with me. .
Destiny Morris: Yeah, put it in your pocket. It's a good one. Not a
Anchor Point Podcast Host: turd sandwich. A compliment sandwich. It's like not a turd sandwich. Antithesis of a turd sandwich.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah. So communicating, um, your needs. And then, um, another thing that I have on my list to talk about too is what are other ways that you can connect or be intimate?
Destiny Morris: So [00:47:00] it's different for every situation. It's hard to say this is the one situation for every couple, cuz it's not. But um, if you're the couple where the first responder comes home and they need to just have a minute, have a shower, have a beer, sit down before they can get it on and connect with their families again, their wives, um, communicate about it and maybe come up with another way you can be intimate with your partner because I'm thinking.
Destiny Morris: It's not always. And I'm curious from your perspective, actually, I'm thinking from a woman's perspective, we don't always have sex because we are horny. We have sex because we want to feel close to our partners. Is that same for men or no?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Uh, i, I think it's a good mix of both because there are times that you wanna feel close with your partner of course.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And, uh, there's also times where you just gotta get it in.
Destiny Morris: Okay. Yeah. So I'm thinking more so of the times, maybe this is just for women, but, um, and some men too, but the times that you wanna feel [00:48:00] intimate, but you're not ready to connect with sex, yet communicating about different ways to meet that need.
Destiny Morris: So, um, I'm thinking too about, on the Dear Chiefs podcast, we talked a lot about women being touched out. Women that have children, they're being overly touched all day long by kids and they don't have any adult interactions. So then when their husband comes home, they're like, please take the children. I'm gonna lock myself in my room and just like not be touched.
Destiny Morris: I need to just like be left alone. Yeah. It's
Anchor Point Podcast Host: the last thing you want me to do is pass by you in the kitchen and be cheeky and grab your ass. That's probably the last thing you want. And we could come be from pure intentions, but obviously you've been overstimulated from screaming kids the entire day.
Destiny Morris: Exactly. Yeah. So what are other ways that you can be intimate and kind of warm back up to each other again? Maybe that looks like having a show that you guys watch once the kids are asleep, or maybe that looks like just sitting next to each other on the couch. Or maybe it looks like cuddling the first night you guys are together, but [00:49:00] really kind of lowering the expectation that you have for each other.
Destiny Morris: Because I think that there's this buildup with first responders. I know that there is, especially from a first or from the partner's ex, uh, point of view is we count down the days until we're reunited. And that's the sweetest, best part of first responder relationships is that there's this honeymoon phase that seems to go on and on and on, um, when resentment doesn't get in the way because you're always so stoked to see each other and happy to reconnect again.
Destiny Morris: And you have a lot of really good hot sex because you're like, yes, I haven't seen you in so long. We're not having sex all the time. We're only having it every few
Anchor Point Podcast Host: weeks. Very intimate, very, uh, it like, yeah, just spread out very sparsely. Yeah, yeah,
Destiny Morris: definitely. So because of that, I think that that's a perk of being in a first responder relationship.
Destiny Morris: But I think also that there's this expectation sometimes and when your partner doesn't meet that expectation, there's a lot of disappointment. And then that's where resentment comes from. So if [00:50:00] we can bite the bullet and kind of bite that off before it grows and say, Hey, um, I've been thinking about you all day long.
Destiny Morris: I can't wait to have sex, like, or just being really straightforward like that and putting it out there to see what your partner says. Yeah, I know that there's a fear of rejection there, but I think that it's important to kind of get your expectations right. Well, I think feel it out, like you said, read the room.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, read the room. And also like managing expectations, I think too, I think is one of those critical components. And, uh, what I mean by that is like, yeah, you can, I guess, troll the water to see what the temperature is and like dip your toe in the water and kind of get a pulse on what's going on. But that has to be a two-way street, like mm-hmm.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: when you come home, your partner might, might not be into it, or when you come home they could be super into it and you are not, right. So mm-hmm. , throw the couple, you know, lures out there in the water and kind of figure out what's, what the temperature of the room is. Yeah, that
Destiny Morris: makes sense. So I have a question for you.
Destiny Morris: What's [00:51:00] up? So, do first responders, and I know you're almost speaking as one, but maybe people you've talked to, do you like it when your partner sends you like a nudes or a sexual picture when you're out or been gone for?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, me personally, yes, I do. As far as the rest of the community, I can't answer to it.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I would wanna say a majority of the men, if I were to be a betting person, a betting man, um, I would say that of majority of the men really enjoy the shit out of that, right? Because it's, it's a form of intimacy and it's also a form of. Vulnerability that they are giving you. Your partner is giving you in the middle of nowhere.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Right? And there's a lot of trust that has to be, uh, exchanged there. There has to be a very, very high degree of trust ex in exchange for crossing that threshold of sending nudes to each other. Right? And, uh, we've all heard the horror stories of like, you know, what's that dickhead? That was like harvesting [00:52:00] people's nudes, like the revenge porn.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: We've all heard of that stuff. So you're taking a huge risk and a lot of faith and trust in somebody, your partner, because equally it can come from the opposite side of that relationship and vice versa, right? So I think, is it enjoyable? Yes. But I think that from my point of view, it is enjoyable from my point of view.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: However, if it's, you know, harnessed as a weapon and used against them, that's where it becomes really fucked up really fast. And I have, I I, I can't stand that shit, man. It's horrible.
Destiny Morris: It's bad. Tell me more about that. Like, give me an example of how that could be used for some kinda harnessing that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, so you get the, and I've seen this happen and I'm not gonna say where or when, but I've seen it happen to where, you know, they're, a couple are dating and like you go back to the yard and you guys got done PT or, or you guys are just like bullshitting around, like cleaning up the station or [00:53:00] whatever and say, This firefighter couple or this, this, this firefighter, you know, whether it be male or female doesn't really matter.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Cause I've seen both sides. They're going through a rough time or a rocky road with the relationship and you're like, oh, look at what my girlfriend, or look at what my boyfriend, or look at what my girlfriend sent to me. Right. Or whatever my partner sent to me. And they're just like blasting it out across the entire station.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's kind of fucked up, man. I mean Yeah. And I've seen that happen. However, there's a lot of, I guess the, I guess what I'm getting at is there's a lot of risk associated with that when you're exchanging, uh, nude photos with each other, with your partner. And, uh, I think that's kind of some of like the, the taboos, like hotness if you will.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Mm-hmm. . But I've seen it backfire and just catastrophically fail and be used as revenge when shit goes awry in the relationship. Mm-hmm. So,
Destiny Morris: yeah, definitely. Definitely. And [00:54:00] then, like we talked about in the beginning, like when your partner just gives you the thumbs up to a picture that you spend a lot of time making sure it looks hot.
Destiny Morris: Right. And then you send it to them outta vulnerability and then you get that disappointment of, well, I got a thumbs up to that. Like, not, oh wow. Baby looks so good.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: You know, and, you know, I, I, I, I can't obviously answer from the woman's perspective. Um, but I mean, I, I guess I can ask you the same question.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I mean, do you find that with your partner, if they're gonna send you, uh, nude. Do you think that's hot? Depending on the context. I mean, , yeah. See, there we go.
Destiny Morris: Absolutely. Yeah, I think, like you said, it's a form of intimacy and vulnerability and it's attractive and you haven't seen them in a long time. You miss those parts of them, you know, and it's, I, that was one of the tips I had.
Destiny Morris: So that's why I wanted to pick your brain from a, a male's perspective, but one of my tips of having and growing and keeping intimacy with first responder families or partners, not, I guess not families, but [00:55:00] partners, is being able to keep that fire alive when you're gone. And obviously they're probably not gonna have a lot of time sit there and go into whole sexting conversation with you, but by exchanging pictures or little things, like if you are the first responder, like, I can't wait to come home and, you know, be in your arms or like, you could bring it up the level and make it more dirty.
Destiny Morris: Right? Like dirty talk, escalate over text. Yeah. You
Anchor Point Podcast Host: gotta escalate that precisely. Uh,
Destiny Morris: yeah, absolutely. There's lots of . I have a lot of suggestions there. But, um, you can use your imagination of things that you can tell your partner to get them excited to see you again, and to also keep that alive. And I think it keeps that like feeling of security alive too.
Destiny Morris: Like I said in the beginning where if you don't have good communication or trust and you're worried about your partner not being faithful while you're gone or not feeling connected, that's a way to kind of ensure that connection that you guys.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No. Absolutely. Yeah. And that, [00:56:00] like you said, I mean, it's, that's a next level trust, especially, uh, millennials, the generation, millennial, gen generation.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I mean, yeah, you need to have a lot of trust in somebody to, you know, go that, that extra step. Do I think there's anything wrong with, you know, sharing nudes with each other? Abs fucking lely, not, no. Whatever you're into, go for it. And, you know, I, I, I, it's, what I don't get is that there's such this double-edged sword between men and women when it comes to sexuality, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: These things are not created equally, especially in the United States, like I was saying earlier, and I was trying, of trying to allude to in like Europe and some other handfuls of countries, is that that shit is, it's equal, right? Mm-hmm. over here though, you see the dude that's kind of known for, notorious for being a slut and sleeping around and, you know, they, they're admired, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Especially by their male peers. Now, if you see the same thing with a [00:57:00] woman, then it's completely different. Now you slut shame them, and you do all this stuff, and I, I think it's fucking bullshit. It's like the, I had this good conversation with, um, my buddy booze about people that do only fans, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Mm-hmm. , if you got it, rocket, there's no paying for it. You're getting fuck it, man. I mean, if you can, yeah, if you're, it's
Destiny Morris: a ethical way to look at pornography. Because the person is wanting to do it. They're providing this and they're getting paid for what they're doing. It's not like some pornography, a lot of pornography, you know, just random PornHub stuff.
Destiny Morris: That is, who knows if it's consensual? Who knows if they're on drugs? Who knows if it's legal, who knows if it's legal. Absolutely. That's sketchy. Super sketchy. I think only fann is the more ethical way to look at pornography. Oh, hundred
Anchor Point Podcast Host: percent. Yeah. And then you don't, they're not paying an agent. They're not paying X, y, and Z in the other, you know, I mean, the money's going directly to them for their talents.
Destiny Morris: [00:58:00] You know what? They are paying taxes. Did you know
Anchor Point Podcast Host: that? Oh yeah. 40%. Yeah. It's crazy. It's no different from owning a small business. I mean, it's, it's pretty hefty taxes, but that comes with the territory of living in the United States. I'm
Destiny Morris: surprised you knew that number. Do you have an only
Anchor Point Podcast Host: fans? No, I own a business
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I could have an only fans. Should I start at only fans for the podcast? I mean, . Uh, there we go. I'll just start at only fans and just like take pictures of like actual fans, like ceiling fans, box fans, window fans.
Destiny Morris: No one would be paying for that,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I don't think. No. . No, but the irony is worth, its weighting gold in my opinion.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But anyways, yeah, it's, it's so funny that, uh, that if a woman hasn't only fans and there, there are women out there and men out there in the first responder community with only fans, yet one is like, oh, look at this badass motherfucking pimp. And the other one's like this fucking slut. Look, she's got an Oli fans now.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Why is that? So [00:59:00] I think it's utter bullshit, man. Like the, the double-edged sword between men and women that Yeah, that sucks. Yeah.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, it does suck. You're right. Absolutely. And I think that women, especially now in the era of like, call Her Daddy, have you heard of that podcast?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Didn't what happened to them?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: They, uh, so that was like part of, uh, that bar Stool sports bars. Stool, yeah. Dar bars, bars, stool sports. Jesus. And, uh, whatever happened to 'em, they had heard some like controversy or something like that.
Destiny Morris: Oh yeah. I, I, I am a big fan of Call Her Daddy and I'll tell you why, but, um, they had that big thing where Sophia and Alex, the two hosts got into this big thing about the percentage that they were making from it.
Destiny Morris: And so I think that they, Alex decided to go away from Mars Stool Sports and start her, call her daddy through just Spotify. And so she's underneath her own, um, label name now. She's, she's independent now? Yes. Ok. Yeah. And the other girl, Sophia, she [01:00:00] started her own podcast, which I don't think is as good, but, um, I like call her daddy for a lot of reasons.
Destiny Morris: I think she talks openly about sex and is very confident in how she talks about it. Where if you're someone that's kind of like, Uncomfortable dirty talking or even like listening to that kind of stuff. Or you wanna know more about what to try in the bedroom. I think that that's a really great podcast.
Destiny Morris: Cause she's very straightforward. Matter of fact about it, you just have to get past her voice. I think it's the hardest
Anchor Point Podcast Host: thing for me. The vocal fry. I'm sorry. The vocal fry just drives me nuts. It's like I have like some pet peeves. It's like chewing with your mouth open vocal fry, answering questions when you've been like, for somebody like, yeah, just, I don't know, I'm kind, kind of weird, but the vocal fry thing just bugs me.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. It's a, it's a hard one. But she has had a lot of really cool mental health topics on her podcast. So do I wear my unwell sweatshirt often? Yes. Do I wear it while I do therapy with [01:01:00] clients? Yes. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well that's shit's needed though. I mean, I mean, aside from the mental health component, which is a whole other topic as well, which we we're gonna get into.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Of course. Um, I think that, you know, I, I have a lot of respect for the caller daddy PA podcast. I don't listen to it. My wife listens to it occasionally. Um, but I have a lot of respect for it because it levels the playing field in that double-edged sword mm-hmm. . And I think they need probably needs to be more of that stuff.
Destiny Morris: Yes. Yes. And I think that's what I'm trying to get at in the most tasteful way that a therapist can from my Instagram is by creating reels, talking about sex. Talking about intimacy and first responder relationships. I am trying to do it without getting canceled. Um, it's a pipeline walk. Yeah. There's also the stigma that therapists need to be this like cardigan wearing quiet librarian, like mousey women or men.
Destiny Morris: And that is not who I am. And so when I [01:02:00] see my clients or my couples, I mean, we're getting down to the nitty gritty talking about it real. There's no beating around the bush with me. And, um, I think that my clients appreciate that because I usually attract clients that are wanting to talk about real stuff.
Destiny Morris: I just recently, um, got a message actually after you reposted that you and I were gonna be talking about sex. Um, a man slid into my dms and said, oh, I could never talk about this with a female why or a female therapist
Anchor Point Podcast Host: that tells me that you're wildly insecure.
Destiny Morris: Sorry. Perhaps Yeah. Or just super uncomfortable with the thought of having, I don't a female's perspective, I'm not sure.
Destiny Morris: But, um, and then he asked me, well, how often do men, do men usually feel comfortable talking about sex with you in sessions? And how often does this come up? It comes up every single. Every single client I've had has brought up sex one way or another. And it's usually not the first topic that comes up.
Destiny Morris: Sometimes it is, but it always comes up [01:03:00] because it's so important and it's so vital to, like you said, our health. It's vital to our mental health. Oh yeah. Sex is a part of all of that. And so if we're talking about mental health and you're seeing me as a client, I, we're probably gonna have a topic about your sexual relationships or your intimacy with your partner.
Destiny Morris: Cause it's
Anchor Point Podcast Host: important. Yeah. And that's another thing too, speaking of bringing it back to the pornography thing too, is like, look at how male dominated even the pornography industry is. It's all focused on the dudes. Well what about the females? What about the women out there? Well there's,
Destiny Morris: there is this little tab on PornHub now.
Destiny Morris: I don't know if it's a newer one. It came in, but it's like four women. Have you ever I don't, I don't wanna put you on spot. You watch porn. Have you ever seen it? ?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Nope. can't say draws PornHub in the recent, um, I don't know. Probably six months. Yeah. Okay. I'll be honest.
Destiny Morris: Whatever. Okay. Yeah, you can be honest.
Destiny Morris: So, um, yeah, they have a, a little light thing for women, but it's interesting. It's very like 50 shades of [01:04:00] gray, like,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: um, which is not realistic at all. No,
Destiny Morris: no. And that's the thing, it's like we try to make porn for women and it's this like over romanticized, like it just doesn't happen like that.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's probably produced by men,
Destiny Morris: most likely.
Destiny Morris: Yes. Just same. Most likely. Yeah, you're right though. It's very dominant, male dominant in that industry. Well,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I think that, uh, I guess what the point that I'm getting at is with a very male dominated industry, one first responders and a very, uh, male dominated history of pornography. I think that kind of, if, if you've explored your sexuality fucking at all, you've probably been to PornHub.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I'm just gonna throw it out there. I And if you're saying no, yeah, if you're saying no, you're probably lying to yourselves. You've probably seen some pornography in some way, shape, form to some degree. Right. But I think that a lot of the pornography out there, it sets an unrealistic expectation of what sex is actually supposed to be like.[01:05:00]
Destiny Morris: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And I think that goes into knowing your own, having a relationship with your own sexuality as well. Um, for men, I think we talked about masturbation growing up as a very scientific thing. It has to happen, or biological right, it needs to happen. Men need that release. But when it comes to women, we don't talk about masturbation.
Destiny Morris: It's not something that's taught in health class. It's not something that's normalized when, and I'm a millennial, so I'm 29. I grew up hearing like, no, ew, women don't do that. Like girls don't do that. And so it was very shameful and it was a secret kind of a thing. It's like trying to
Anchor Point Podcast Host: say like, women don't.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, right. Fucking kidding me, man.
Destiny Morris: women have, they're probably the gnarliest farts. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. A hundred percent. My mo or my, my, uh, my wife just went through back to back pregnancies and Holy shit. There's something different about a pregnancy fart. Just saying,
Destiny Morris: poor [01:06:00] lady. Yes. I have never been there, but I can believe you.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. I, I think that that's another aspect of, uh, a lot of women not knowing their own bodies and their own, having, being in touch with their own sexuality is, there was so much shame around it growing up that now all of a sudden this generation that's growing up, they're getting this women empowerment, like call her daddy era, where we're talking about sex and we're talking about masturbation and, and it's being more incorporated.
Destiny Morris: But, um, millennials and anyone after that or before that, like, we didn't grow up with that. So how are we, no, it's not too late. That's my point. Do it now. ,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: what's the thing? I think you should have a healthy relationship with your own, uh, body and your own sexuality. I mean, who's, why, why is someone gonna shame you for it?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Like, fuck them. Take the power, put it in your own court. I mean, yeah. Put the ball in your own court and figure out what works for you.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And if your partner's gone a lot, then you have plenty of time to [01:07:00] explore it yourself. And that's another thing is like, are you meeting your own needs as well or are you waiting for your partner to meet them entirely because you're able to meet your own needs sexually.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh yeah. A hundred percent. And if you're not doing it, I think that's unhealthy. Yeah. Absolut, me personally, I think so too.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Cause you're putting all the pressure on your partner, not only to know your body, but also to meet all your needs. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That's a lot. Yeah. Well, I, that's that whole two edge, a double-edged sword I was kind of talking about.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I don't know of any dude, whether they're in a, a relationship or married or whatever, A single person. I don't know of a single guy that doesn't masturbate.
Destiny Morris: I don't think it's a thing. Yeah. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, I mean, , I don't think there's a single dude out there that doesn't like masturbate regularly. Even if they're having a lot of sex, there's probably still some shower time or whatever.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And they're still probably masturbating. However, with women, [01:08:00] um, I mean obviously my perspective is wildly skewed because of a guy. I, I, I can't speak to it, but I think it's fair to assume that a lot of women don't partake in taking care of themselves as much as men. .
Destiny Morris: Yeah, absolutely. And I think too, that that's where women that are more insecure will get upset with their partners if they are masturbating instead of having sex.
Destiny Morris: Now, let me be clear on that. If your partner is home and they go in the other room to masturbate instead of being intimate with you, or they go and turn towards, you know, pep instead of having sex with you, I think that that definitely causes some issues and there's red flags there for me. But if your partner's gone and they told you like, oh yeah, I jerked off this morning, and you get upset about it, or you feel jealous about it, I think that really shows the lack of, um, intimacy that you have with your own self.
Destiny Morris: And that goes back to women not [01:09:00] having it being normalized for them to have that relationship with their own intimacy. You know, like I said, it was really like frowned upon, looked at as dirty, shameful, slutty, gross to even do that. And I remember like people, like friends asking each other, do you guys do that?
Destiny Morris: Oh, no, I would never do you like, that's kind of a peep into what the girls growing up look like. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Did I lose you? Nope. I, oh, there you're, yeah, I just don't understand it though. I mean, it's, yeah, I, I, I've kind of beat this one to death, but yeah. Mm-hmm. .
Destiny Morris: Know your body, figure it out and buy a vibrator.
Destiny Morris: Oh, . Yep. Also, I think a lot of men are afraid of sex toys, and that's a big one too, is men are feeling like they're being replaced by them. That, uh, actually no. Do you want carpal tunnel? If you don't want carpal tunnel, then help yourself out [01:10:00] and use successfully.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, that's the thing too. I I, I, I mean, I come to find that, you know, bringing a toy into intimacy, like when you're actually getting it on, I mean, shit, that could be, uh, an enhancement.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Quite the enhancement for both people. Yeah, for both, absolutely. Yeah, for both. 100 fucking percent that it's just try it, if you're kind of skeptical or anything like that. Give it a shot. What do you got to
Destiny Morris: lose percent? Yeah. Yeah. It's, there's a lot of science behind that that I'm thinking of, and I won't get nerdy, but, oh no,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: this, if any places to do it, this is the place to do it.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So go ahead and take it away if you want.
Destiny Morris: Well, I'm just thinking of like, when we are, like, going back to like fetuses, right? We technically all have the same parts and then as we develop within the womb, we create like having, you know, a penis or vagina, right? But it's the same things, just different.
Destiny Morris: Obviously it's gonna use the word shapes. , I'm not a scientist. [01:11:00]
Anchor Point Podcast Host: one's kind of like turned inside out and the other one's kind of external.
Destiny Morris: Exactly, but the same sensation. So things, same nerve, like a vibrator that we think are most, are only for women. Like, oh, as a man, I would never try that. Like no, try it because the same sensation that a woman gets, you can also get, um, but you have to be open to trying something like that.
Destiny Morris: And like you said, it can really enhance pleasure for both people. And also I think for, especially for women, right? Um, very low percentage of women actually can orgasm by penetrative sex. It's
Anchor Point Podcast Host: a low, ridiculously low number. And guys, yeah, you need to figure out where the, I hate this fucking this analogy, but the man in the boat, you need to figure out where that is.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: The man in the boat. You've never heard of that? The man in the canoe or the person in the
Destiny Morris: canoe? No, but I'm now picturing the
Anchor Point Podcast Host: canoe. I'm trying to make a very shitty [01:12:00] analysis that I've heard probably, I don't know, a hundred times and probably when I was very young about a clitoris. Yeah.
Destiny Morris: Okay. And the G-spot.
Destiny Morris: I think those are very important pieces. Know where they're and how to access them. Because a lot of times, and especially like male anatomy, not everyone's shaped and sized the same way, so not everybody's going to hit it in that certain angle or direction. Angles are a big thing with sex, right? Like sometimes angles hurt as a woman.
Destiny Morris: Sometimes they feel better than other angles. And that's where communicating really comes into play of being able to tell your partner, like, Ooh, let's, let's move this way. And, and it's different every time too. If you're not as a woman, this is just another scientific, biological fact. If you're not fully turned on, actually, um, her cervix is closer.
Destiny Morris: It actually moves. So when you're fully aroused as a woman, it like scoots back and makes room for penis. But if you're not fully aroused and turned on, it's actually shorter. And so a lot of [01:13:00] times women will experience pain with intercourse because the penis will be literally hitting their cervix. And that's because you're not fully aroused al It's not like a pain.
Destiny Morris: It's like a, like, I don't even how to . It's not super painful enough to not wanna have sex. It's just like not the most comfy feeling. And so angles are a big part when it comes to that. Yeah. So foreplay is important. People, um, just wanna throw that out there. You don't know where I was going with that, but, um, oh, knowing, knowing your body, yeah.
Destiny Morris: Knowing where those things are. And a lot of women aren't gonna come by just banging it out like that. You have to use your hands and other things to figure out, you know, in, in sex toys to figure out how to make your partner comfortable enough to come. And women are so in their heads when they're having sex, you know, I could be thinking about a hundred different things and if I'm not in the right head space, I, there's no way in heck I'm gonna ever orgasm.
Destiny Morris: I mean, it's not gonna happen. Oh yeah. Which says, [01:14:00] my
Anchor Point Podcast Host: head's not there. Well, that I think, uh, you know, I think the thing that we, especially guys especially fail to realize is that it's not a one size fits all recipe. I mean, every woman, just as a guy, I mean, everybody's different, right? Different sizes, shapes, curves, features, whatever.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yep. That spot may not be in, if you're, say you're single and you're pl, you're, you're, uh, strolling about the fields of everything, whether that guy, a girl, whatever. Um, so you have different partners over a different period of time. Not any one person is gonna be the same as the other. And that's a universal thing too.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Doesn't matter if you're male or female. Yeah,
Destiny Morris: yeah, absolutely. And I think it's important to know that like, yeah, it's not gonna be the same and, and other people are gonna have different pleasures or different discomforts that other people don't have. You know, especially [01:15:00] looking at the female anatomy, very different for women too.
Destiny Morris: You know, some people's lits are in a different space or a different place than other people's, right? Not everybody's is like out in the open. Some are tucked away. And I think that's important to know as a man.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So, well, I think that's that communication element too, as well. I mean, there's, I mean, even if you're being intimate and say that your partner's not doing it for you, you.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Communicate even non-verbally what you like. You just gotta be receptive enough to pick it up. Like, oh, my hand should go there. Or, Hey, this ankle has worked better. I mean, be receptive and open to and reactive as well to their needs.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah. You know what's really intimate, and I think, um, vulnerable too is mutual masturbation.
Destiny Morris: And I don't think that there's enough topic about this because we always just talk about sex and we always talk about, you know, masturbation being something you [01:16:00] do alone, but if you're comfortable enough with your partner, being able to actually see each other do that, I think that's a really big learning thing too, because if you're able to watch your partner do that, you can say, oh, that's what I'm doing wrong.
Destiny Morris: That's what you like. That makes sense. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That's also communication, right?
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And it's attractive, right? Yeah. It's a turn on to see that. So I think that especially women are, I think men too, probably embarrassed to do that. And it comes along the same guidelines with how women are with having sex with the lights on.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. A lot of people don't like the lights on. It's, I, I guess I'm a lot more comfortable sexually than a lot of people, but Yeah, I, I, I don't, I I've never understood that.
Destiny Morris: Oh, there's lots of elements to it, I think. Well, I wouldn't wanna spotlight on me
Anchor Point Podcast Host: stage lights and everything. Yeah.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. It feels like clinical or something.
Destiny Morris: like, it's like very
Anchor Point Podcast Host: someone corner taking notes
Destiny Morris: like , [01:17:00] sterile lighting. Like I understand that. Um, but I think having like a bedside light on, or like the bathroom light on or something in your bedroom to have a little bit of light can actually be really attractive because then you can see each other and you can make eye contact.
Destiny Morris: That's a huge thing during sex. If you're closing your eyes, do me a favor. Open your eyes when you're on top of your partner. Look at them in the eye. Like that is such an intimate thing. Oh yeah. And you know, especially even like doggy style, like turn around and look at your partner. Like that's, that's a big one.
Destiny Morris: And I think that we can't do that when the light is off, but I think that a lot of people, it's that shame element, but then there's a lot from a women's perspective and a man's about body image. Yep. We do not talk about men in body image issues. We talk about women in body image issues, but happens for both people.
Destiny Morris: And I think the light off makes us feel like better. But let me just tell you that if you're having sex, the last thing your partner is looking at is your stomach rolls. The last thing that they're looking at, right? [01:18:00] Yep. Eyes.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's all about the eyes
Destiny Morris: and every other part of your body. No one's looking at your how your stomach is holding half.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. No one's looking at your love handles. No one gives us, you can't even see your love handles. Come on. Let's be honest with our.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, no one looks attractive being folded in half. Let's just be real about that too. Like there's, and that's the problem with pornography is we see these perfectly, uh, plastic bodies
Anchor Point Podcast Host: perfectly lit in a perfect setting with a perfect iso shutter speed and all this other shit.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Right? Yeah.
Destiny Morris: And the most amazing penises ever that no one, a lot of people don't have like no body hair, like all these different things. It's just not realistic. We have razor bumps and we have love handles. And I've got hair on my ass. I mean, . Yeah. Yeah. Hairy bun cheeks, man. No one's Bun hole looks great.
Destiny Morris: Like, let's just be honest. Let's
Anchor Point Podcast Host: just be honest here. And an asshole is not the most attractive thing ever. .
Destiny Morris: It's not. It's not. And your [01:19:00] partner's probably seen it multiple times. Oh. But I mean, that's a part of the intimacy and the vulnerability that comes with sex. It's like you're really loving someone at the form of being not put together.
Destiny Morris: Oh, yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And it's extremely vulnerable. But I will say that if you want to, uh, uh, I guess a low hanging fruit as far as spicing it up, mirrors are a great thing, especially if you like happen to be. I don't know. Your house has like those, you, you ever seen those like stereotypical mirrored sliding doors for like a closet?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Those things Yes. Are fucking awesome. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Because you can make a lot of connection, uh, non-verbally just by visual or, you know, you could read each other and you don't even have to be like, looking directly, but you could still make that eye contact off the mirror. Mm-hmm. , you could be polar opposite of each other and still make it work.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's great.
Destiny Morris: Absolutely. Yeah. And I think even like, there's a vulnerability if you are in that place, in your relationship of [01:20:00] recording one another or recruiting for your own purpose. Obviously you have to feel safe enough to do this with your partner. But, um, that can be really hot too. You know, having that and then maybe watching it together, like, just throw that out there
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. You know, a little GoPro action too. ,
Destiny Morris: drop it to your partner's head.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: placed on the headboard . Oh no. It's, but
Destiny Morris: again, consensual has to both people that wanna do something like
Anchor Point Podcast Host: that. Yeah. And it's not for everybody. It goes back to the whole nude taking thing. Um, I mean, that's a lot of, uh, vulnerability that you're expressing and a lot of trust that you have to have for each other to, you know, explore the, the photography or the videography, videography of that act.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I mean, it's a lot of risk you're taking. Absolutely.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Oh yeah. We're getting warmed up over here. .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Ooh, we're getting spicy in here. . [01:21:00] I'm so getting canceled for this episode. You'll be fine. It's okay
Destiny Morris: right alongside you. So,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: all right. And so let's, we've talked about how to spice it up and we've talked about some of these, overcoming some of these hurdles that oftentimes we encounter in the bedroom or just in relationships in general.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So let's talk about some of the things that really cause this, right? So we talked about sexless relationships. Let's talk about timing. Cuz timing is oftentimes critical. I mean, I don't think we really like dove deep into that subject, like coming off of a fire, especially if it's like a real rough call or like some shit went down.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I could completely understand that. You don't wanna be intimate right away. I could. I get that. Well there's some people
Destiny Morris: that use it as a coping still too though, which
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I think is kind of, could be unhealthy depending on the context.
Destiny Morris: Well, yeah. If you come home and you're like super rough with it. [01:22:00] Cause it's a coping skill, I think that's not a form of intimacy for your partner probably.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No, that's not healthy at all. That's kind of scary, I'd
Destiny Morris: imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. And I think that happens too often. I see that a lot with partners that I see. Um, yeah. I'm also thinking about like different people's as far as timing and like sex drive goes too. Those kind of go together because there are some people that are like morning sex people, and there's some people that are evening sex and some that are midday.
Destiny Morris: And if you and your partner have different sex drives where one person really prefers to have sex at night and the other person likes to have sex in the middle of the day, that can be really difficult, especially if you only feel like you have two to three, four days off to make it happen. There's a lot of pressure there.
Destiny Morris: It's like that performance anxiety,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I can see that. But also, uh, me personally, I, I think the [01:23:00] spontaneity of the act is also incredibly sexy. Mm-hmm. . So like unplanned? Yeah. Un completely unplanned. Like, uh, I don't know, clandestine public place. How about that? So, okay.
Destiny Morris: Is that a, is that a location?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No, clandestine as is.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It was a, uh, a very well hidden place. How about that? Oh, I've never
Destiny Morris: heard
Anchor Point Podcast Host: that word before. Yeah, like secret. It's like, we can get away with this. You wanna do this? Okay,
Destiny Morris: let's do this. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like the mile high club, right? An airplane. Exactly,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: yeah. Stuff like that. It wasn't necessarily a or dressing room.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: God, you'd get busted in a fucking instant if you were to try to do that. But I mean, the spontaneity and I think the, uh, I don't know. The risk taking thing too. I think that being me personally, being a first responder for a majority of my life, my adult life, I think that the risk also of getting caught or [01:24:00] getting whatever, I think that kind of amplifies the experience.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Me personally. And that's a kink. Yeah, well, it is a kink, right? But I'm pretty sure I'm willing to almost bet that a lot of people out there would probably find the same thing. Exciting, right? Mm-hmm. , this is what we do professionally. I mean now if you're to take the same amount of risk, well, yeah, I guess that what I'm getting at is the timing and the spontaneity plus the risk.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I'd probably ex like expands on the experience, is what I'm getting at.
Destiny Morris: Oh, yeah. Heightens the excitement that you have around it too. For sure. You're right. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But I don't know if you've heard of anybody else within the first responder, if that's like a common trait. Mm,
Destiny Morris: no, I haven't. But I think that it probably is more common than not.
Destiny Morris: Mm-hmm. , I think, like you said, people in general, like even outside of first responder couples probably are more excited, but to do something like that. But I also think, like you said, because of the nature of your job [01:25:00] being more risk, take first, responders might be more willing, I guess that makes sense.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. They're maybe more willing to try something like that or to put themselves out there in a vulnerable situ. Hmm. Or risky situation. Yeah, for sure.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Huh? Maybe I'm just a, uh, outlier of the data set. I don't know. ?
Destiny Morris: I don't think so. No, I don't think so at all. I think that I haven't asked enough people about it, so I don't have the data to back you up, but I think that there's your, your thes probably right on track.
Destiny Morris: Hmm.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, anyways, getting back to timing though, I mean, what are some things that we can do to like kind of prep the home unit, if you will? Uh, about timing and like testing that water. So getting back to the whole trolling motor thing and, and dipping your toe in the water. Like how do we communicate those needs as far as timing goes?
Destiny Morris: That was what I was gonna say. You have to communicate it. Um, [01:26:00] I think that being able to come up with a way of communicating with your partner that you want to be intimate kind of takes that fear of rejection out of it too. There I have some couples, so I've never been this kind of person. I'm very like verbal and I communicate and obviously I'm a therapist, so, um, God bless anybody I'm in a relationship with cause they're gonna get chalked,
Destiny Morris: I'm gonna tell you how I feel and what I want. Um, but not everybody's like that and I respect that. Some people, um, I have some couples that use like a light where they have this like nightlight or something, and when one person wants to be intimate, they turn it on and so the other person knows like, oh, hey, you're in the.
Destiny Morris: Um, because I think that a lot of people, like I said, are, are have a fear of that rejection. Yeah. Or if you come up and, and I think we've all experienced it to some degree or another. I know I have where you in, you initiate being intimate and the person's like, [01:27:00] uh, I don't want that right now. Or you smack your wife on the butt or whatever, you know, touch her in a certain way, vice versa, and you get shut down and then we start to kinda harbor that.
Destiny Morris: So we are less brave and less willing to put ourselves out there cause of that rejection. Kinda
Anchor Point Podcast Host: putting your ego in check per se.
Destiny Morris: Oh, it hurts our ego. A hundred percent. Yeah, a hundred percent. And then we get in our heads about it, are they not attracted to me? Do they not wanna have sex? No. What am I doing wrong?
Destiny Morris: Do I not please them? Do they not love me anymore? It really could spiral out if you allow it to.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, I think that another thing that we failed to realize too, um, is that relationships change and also what turns you on changes over time, right? Mm-hmm. so that grab assy kind of playful, uh, I guess mentality may change over time.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So now you gotta figure out something new. And I think that's something that we kind of don't recognize as well. [01:28:00] Yeah,
Destiny Morris: definitely. And I hear it the other way too, where some women are wanting more grab assy, asse kinda foreplay and they're not getting it anymore. Another thing, you've been on a time. I think that we get really stagnant and we stop, try trying to pleasure and learn each other.
Destiny Morris: But the healthy way to look at this is you are always learning about each other. Not just sexually, but in general. Until you die. Yeah. Until you're all with that person anymore. You were always learning about yourself. You're always growing and you're always learning about your partner. And so that should be looked at with sexuality as well.
Destiny Morris: Is your partner's likes and interests are going to change over time, and if you stop putting in the efforts with your partner, that's where a lot of that resentment comes into. You know, like, oh, I don't remember the last time my, you know, my partner did this, or, I don't remember the last time. My partner just outta nowhere in the middle of the day initiated [01:29:00] sex.
Destiny Morris: Like, I think those things need to happen to keep that fire alive in a relationship.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, absolutely. And this, it, I guess, kind of harkens back to that old adage of, you know, the day you, you think you know everything about a subject is probably the day you should quit. Hmm. I mean, yeah. If you're not putting in the effort to learn something or if you're not learning something in general every day about your partner or your relationship or intimacy or whatever, it's not a good recipe for success.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah,
Destiny Morris: yeah, exactly. And that goes back to my point is if you're not having really good connected sex, at least once a. Then you need to revisit that category with your partner. You need to talk about
Anchor Point Podcast Host: it. Yeah. And that goes back to that whole sex drive thing. Cuz you mentioned once a month to me and I'm like, oh my God, that's preposterous.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I'm like, I, I guess I got a higher sex drive than, you know, once a month. I would have some serious relationship problems if it was once a month and there could be [01:30:00] for everybody Sex.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. Oh no, it's, go ahead. I don't mean just sex once a month, but I mean like, good intimate, like love making sex once a month and the other
Anchor Point Podcast Host: hot, sweaty, good shit.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Yeah. More than once a month. Like please. That's awesome. The more you have that in your relationship, the stronger you're going to feel. But I also know that, like I said, with children and busy schedules, that sometimes you just get a quick one in and that's what you got.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: You gotta do what you gotta do.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I mean, yeah. But you can, even, the quickie though, there's a lot of value in the quickie. I think. Um, you know, it's, it's one of those things where it could be equally as hot as some like romantic beach side you thing, you know? Yeah, yeah. The, I think people undervalued the quickie, I guess is what I'm getting at.
Destiny Morris: Ooh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're right. I think that it, it is undervalued because it's looked at, I think that it's sometimes looked at as like just a man's way to quickly come. Mm-hmm. and because [01:31:00] women take a little bit longer sometimes, but I think that there's this like animalistic. Um, sweaty, passionate, like spur of the moment, part of it that's really hot.
Destiny Morris: And I think that that's the part that's undervalued when it comes to quickies.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I guess that's what I was getting at the spontaneity thing too. I mean, yeah, the quickie is valuable in my book and if it's, if it's good, it's good. Right. For both parties.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. Speaking of quickie, I think that as far as looking at sexual dysfunction as well, when men are not able to hold out long enough or they feel like, and I think every man probably struggles with this at some point or another, like they're not doing it, they're not hanging in long enough for their partner.
Destiny Morris: Um, I think that that can cause a lot of insecurity as well. And I see that happen where people don't communicate about it. I think it's actually could be really hot to be able to communicate with your partner. This, like, I, like you feel so good to me that I'm [01:32:00] probably not gonna last long. I haven't seen you in about a month, but I just wanna let you know that like you give it some time, like I can go again afterwards or I wanna pleasure you after.
Destiny Morris: Like, that can be a really hot thing.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. And I think that's a, well, I mean it's probably gonna be more side, uh, on the male side of this, this discussion, but um, also I think women also have the ability to get there on the quickie sometimes as well. Yep.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And women, women can, I mean, obviously probably none this, but women can, uh, orgasm multiple times in a.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Guys,
Destiny Morris: not so much. Yeah. There's no number of stopping ,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: just fyi. Marathon. You can keep it going there. However, dudes. Mm. Not so much .
Destiny Morris: Yeah, we're done. And it takes a little bit of time. Yeah,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: yeah. But since we're on the topic, let's talk about sexual dysfunction, right? So as you get older or if you have some [01:33:00] stress or some anxiety, the shit comes up and it, no one's immune to this, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Both men and women. So let's talk about it. Let's take a little bit of a deeper dive and let's actually tie it into the chemical dependence thing too. Cuz a lot of sexual, from my understanding and what you've told me previously, is a lot of these sexual dysfunctions comes from self-medication and chemical dependencies that we often, often fall
Destiny Morris: into.
Destiny Morris: Yes. And then to bring that even larger scale, I specialize in trauma work. And so I see a lot of P T S D with first responders. And so substance abuse and sexual dysfunction are right underneath the umbrella of ptsd. Really?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No
Destiny Morris: shit. Absolutely. Almost. Yeah. Most times. Most cases that I've seen. Hmm. Yeah, because in order to self-medicate, they're dealing with their ptsd, the stuff that they've seen.
Destiny Morris: By either drinking or smoking or taking whatever, you know. And it's [01:34:00] interesting talking about substance abuse. I've seen a huge uptick in cocaine use in first responders recently, more so firefighters, um, take that as you will. And, um, alcohol is huge. Um, and I know this firsthand, being in a relationship with a wildland firefighter, that guy drank like he was getting paid to do it.
Destiny Morris: And it, it was almost this mentality of, I've been gone working so hard for this many days, I deserve to come home and have some beers. But it wasn't just a few beers, it was a 12 pack every single time he would come home from a fire. And as a clinician looking at this, to me, that's a sign of alcoholism.
Destiny Morris: That's a sign of chemical dependency. And that can absolutely get in the way of sexual, um, intimacy and then no sexual dysfunction that comes with, you know, obviously whiskey Dick is a thing. or not being able to finish because you drank a [01:35:00] thousand Coors Lights. Like that's also a thing. There's, there's two sides of it.
Destiny Morris: And then not having that authentic connection with your partner, like obviously like drunk sex is a thing. It can be exciting and fun. It could be fun, but if you're always having drunk sex or if you're the only person drunk and the other person's sober, you're really missing out on that sober, intimate connection that sex is a lot of
Anchor Point Podcast Host: the.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No. Absolutely. And uh, yeah, I, I'm still trying to wrap my, I'm, I'm sorry. My A D H D brain is kind of still wrapping my head around the cocaine dependency thing. Now you got stuck ? Yeah, I got stuck. I'm sorry. Apologies. Okay. But I've heard of like Adderall dependencies in like the proliferation of, uh, Adderall in our community.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I've heard of that. Uh, especially in the structure side of things, but alcohol is obviously the staple, but cocaine, I didn't know that was like a huge problem from what you've been seeing, like observing.
Destiny Morris: Oh yeah, I've been observing it more so like off duty though. Not, not on duty. On [01:36:00] duty. The biggest thing that I see is Adderall and, um, tobacco.
Destiny Morris: I think I have not met. Yeah, I saw you. I see you. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah, that's
Destiny Morris: me right there. I have met one. Wild land firefighter that does not chew tobacco. , we got a
Anchor Point Podcast Host: problem. .
Destiny Morris: Yeah, you guys do. And, um, , I'm not here to ever judge or blame, and I would never, I never shamed my partner for doing it when I was in a relationship with someone that did.
Destiny Morris: But, um, I will say that it's a, it's a gnarly addiction that we don't even realize is one, because nicotine is, nicotine is gnarly to quit. And, and I don't know if you've experienced this, but you get, you know, crabby and irritable if you don't have it. And I think it, we use it to stay awake and alert on when you're working 20 fours or, you know, crazy shifts.
Destiny Morris: A buddy
Anchor Point Podcast Host: of mine challenged me to, uh, quit chewing tobacco mid-roll. Actually no, like a quarter of the way through a 14 day assignment. And I became the most [01:37:00] gnarly, angry motherfucker in the entire planet. I wanted to kill everybody that like came in front of me and no, it didn't last. At the end of the day, it was like, dude, I can't handle your bullshit anymore.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Here's a can Cano Copenhagen, just fuck off in the woods and enjoy. You're done. . Yeah. Yeah. I nicotine's bad. It's real bad. But also alcohol too, because it's, it's normalized, right? And it's furthermore normalized in a society and yeah. Whiskey Dick, if we're gonna tie it into this, uh, conversation, whiskey dick's a real thing.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yes. And also, you know, when you're doling your senses with a depressant such as alcohol, you're taking away that authenticity, just like you're saying. And another thing too, especially with I guess, sexual dysfunction, now we have all this talk about self-medication with, uh, Adderall or alcohol or nicotine or any of these other, uh, substances.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Now what [01:38:00] about the topic of self-medicating with sex itself? Hmm.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, sex addictions are a big thing. I work with a lot of, well, a handful of first struggle with sex addiction. And this comes from the part of our brain that is lights up with impulse control. So the kind of people that struggle with impulse control usually have either a se a chemical dependence or a sexual dependence.
Destiny Morris: And it's the same, it's the same part of our brain. So whether you are using meth or you are using sex, that same part of our brain lights up, which is interesting. And we are dependent on that release that happens from it. And then the chemical release that we get. Right? Yeah. Dopamine endorphin. Serotonin, oxytocin,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: all this stuff.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Toin Yeah. Goes into that. Yeah. I mean, it, it, how, I just kind of curious, I mean, I don't know if in your [01:39:00] practice that you've dealt with a lot of, uh, sexual dependence. , what's the rel what's the prevalence of that?
Destiny Morris: It's pretty prevalent and I think that a lot of people don't talk about it because again, there's so much shame.
Destiny Morris: Um, I see it a lot with men more than women, if I'm being honest, just from my perspective. And I, I mean, I probably see more men than women in my clients in general just because I specialize in first responders. Um, but yeah, a lot of men struggle with this and it can be a really big separation in relationships when you are dependent on either pornography or, um, I see a lot of infidelity that happens with this too, where you start maybe talking to women online or getting into like video chat stuff.
Destiny Morris: And that's exciting and there's a thrill of that. And what happens is if we consume that a lot, then we become dull to just normal sex. It becomes very [01:40:00] boring to us. And so, just like with drug use, a lot of people don't start off using meth. They usually start off, you know, smoking weed and then using Coke and from there and there because it becomes boring and dull.
Destiny Morris: And so we're always trying to get the next best high. Same thing with, um, sexual, um, addiction. We are always looking for the next exciting, thrilling thing to do and it can really get in the way and just wreak havoc in people's marriages and relationships. It needs to be addressed for sure.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. I mean, I've known a lot of people that are just like looking to get it in.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Typically they're single, but also there have been married people out there as well, or people in committed relationships and I've seen it. And that's men and women that I've seen. Yeah. In my, this is a very short blip in time. It's only 11 years in the first responder community that I haven't Right. But I've seen it smart than I have.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. But I, I've seen it like, it, it's, it's there and it's, [01:41:00] I wanna say shockingly high from my perspective. Right?
Destiny Morris: Yes. Yeah. I wonder too, if there's something with, um, the kind of personalities that are attracted responder jobs. Yes. Yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: I, what is with that? What is with D h D people and being entrepreneurs, first responders or in the military, what, what the fuck is with
Destiny Morris: that?
Destiny Morris: I don't know. There's gotta, there, I'm sure there's studies on it also. Um, very type A people. Um, I think that's why throw this in there too lightly that I see a lot of people with narcissistic tendencies that are in the first responder world as well. Um, so it, there's definitely a personality and a draw to certain people to wanna be first responders.
Destiny Morris: And I'm wondering if people that struggle with impulse control also get in there because they like the thrill and the excitement and maybe adrenaline junkies as well.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That makes a lot of sense. I [01:42:00] mean, if you look at it, the community as a whole, there's a lot of risk takers out there. I mean, they skydive on the weekends or they go do downhill mountain bike racing, or they race motocross, or they do some dangerous shit that could get them really, really hurt.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But they seek it out just like their jobs. Yes.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. And that's why I see a lot of issues in retirement. I have a good majority of first responder clients that are going into retirement or have been in retirement, and they're losing their shit because they don't have that constant adrenaline of the job, and their identity is so wrapped up in their job, too.
Destiny Morris: That's a whole nother thing.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That's one of my big talking points about this podcast is like, don't fall into the trap of letting a or of, don't fall into the trap of becoming a firefighter and letting that become your I only identity. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I've seen it. I, I've even done it like, oh, I'm a firefighter even.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Fuck it. Even till this day. It's like, oh yeah, I used to be a wildland firefighter. Mm-hmm. . [01:43:00] Okay. This is three, four years ago now. , it's still
Destiny Morris: on. Well, I mean, there's a lot of pride in it too, and I see the same thing working with first responder partners is, oh yeah, I'm a fire wife. Oh yeah. My boyfriend's a firefighter and they've got the 18 bumper stickers, the hat, the sweatshirt for the department and the academy, and they wear it everywhere.
Destiny Morris: And they introduced themselves as fire wives before they introduced themselves with their real job. It's like, excuse me, did you have an identity outside of this beforehand? You must have, oh man. No more of that, please, .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: No, it's, it's, it's so common though. It's, that's another thing. It's like so common to like fall into that trap of like, oh yeah, this is my identity.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's no different than like the, uh, person with the thin blue line flag on the back of their truck or the, my, you know, third cav or whatever sticker on the back of their truck. Or it, it, it, it's so easy to fall on that trap because it, it becomes your only [01:44:00] identity when you're much more than that. And I think that finding an identity outside of what your career is, it's pretty important to becoming a whole person.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah,
Destiny Morris: absolutely. And I, I, so I don't get canceled. Let me say this too, that there is a lot of security and community in that, and I think that's why people clinging to the stickers and the a and the shirts and stuff so that they can easily be spotted within that culture and understood by other people in the culture.
Destiny Morris: Right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. It's almost like a safety mechanism almost. And uh, it's also belonging to a community. And there's nothing that I Don't get me wrong. You're absolutely right. There's nothing I would change from my first responder career. It's very short-lived, first responder career, and I get it. It's that community, it's belonging to something greater than yourself and a community that's greater to yourself even.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: But also you're much more than that. At the same time, it can't be your only identity.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. So much more than that. And your relationship can't be revolved around this either. Yes. Cause at some point, lots of things could happen. You could lose [01:45:00] your job, you could get injured and not be able to go back to your job.
Destiny Morris: The biggest, actually it's interesting, the majority of couples I see are when the firefighter is injured. I will get the wife as a client and I'll ask like, what's going on? Oh, well my husband's been out of, you know, he's either got dusk duty or he's been out of work for the last four months cuz he had to have shoulder surgery or whatever.
Destiny Morris: Right.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Or he is dispatch because his knees torn up or something like that. Yeah,
Destiny Morris: yeah. That happens more often than not. It's very dangerous job and it's very physical and labor intensive and when that happens, shit hits the fan every single time because they are not used to spending that much time together and they're not used to having identities in a relationship outside of their typical, you go, you come back, you go, you come back.
Destiny Morris: So they don't even know what to do. There's fighting that happens, kids are blowing it like
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. It's one of those things where it's like the, uh, the distance can be a ally and also an [01:46:00] adversary at the same time. Mm-hmm. and that time away. I mean, shit. No, I mean, yeah. I mean, even my own relationship, I mean, yeah.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Yeah. It, it's one of those things where it comes to a point where it's like, yeah, go out and make money. Sometimes it happens like that, but then reintegrating, so I'm out of fire now and having a plan for the future or like, just even being open in considering that fire operationally it's not gonna last forever.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Mm-hmm. , you need to have a, like a contingency plan just in case shit does hit the fan like you're
Destiny Morris: saying. Yeah. Especially if you're seasonal. Right? That's a whole nother ballgame right there. You don't have insurance for part of the year probably. Yep. You don't have an income for part of the year. You only, you only work.
Destiny Morris: That's what I was thinking about and I mentioned at the beginning when we started recording, is we're rolling into that season of people coming home from their seasonal jobs, and that is hard for a lot of people. I remember [01:47:00] thinking to myself like, you want me to go start a fire outside for you because you're driving me insane.
Destiny Morris: I love the quality time. I love that you're home for the first couple weeks and then after that I'm like, I need my space again because I'm so used to having it.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Oh yeah. Well, as a professional problem solver in this, right, I mean, you need something to do. You're like a, you're getting barn sour like a fucking racehorse over there.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And not only that, but you've been out in the woods with 20 of your best friends digging holes in the dirt for six to eight months out of the ear, and now you've gotta like reel it in, use a fork and a knife and a napkin shower regularly use a toilet. I mean, that's a pretty large culture shock. Yes. To some degree.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And then reintegrating yourself into that like normalcy of what society actually is. It's pretty, pretty fucking hard.
Destiny Morris: It is, yeah. You can only organize the garage so many times on your off season, right? Right.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: The, the grass, if you cut it any shorter or any more perfect. It's just not gonna [01:48:00] grow anymore.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So calm down, have a plan and have a fucking hobby. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's definitely, it's wild. But with all these things on the episode that we've been talking to or talking about tonight, um, I mean, do you have any like, recipes for opening that communica, any additional recipes for opening that communication and talking about things and shoring up that intimacy and everything?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Like how do we make this stuff better? What do you got for us? Like some final tips for us.
Destiny Morris: Okay. I got like two, so the one I already said, and I will say it a thousand times until you all hear it and, and keep it communicate. And if you're not able to communicate, there is nothing wrong. I'm just gonna throw us out there.
Destiny Morris: Not because I'm a therapist, but I'm a therapist that also has a therapist and has done lots of
Anchor Point Podcast Host: therapy. Thank you. I immediately trust you because you're a therapist that admitted to having a therapist. I don't trust you if a single fucking therapist that does not have someone to talk to.
Destiny Morris: Oh [01:49:00] gosh, please.
Destiny Morris: Yeah. If your therapist is not seen a therapist run, because I cannot take you any further than I'm willing to go myself. And, um, I mean, yeah, a lot of things there. If I'm not dealing with my own stuff, how am I gonna help you deal with yours? I'm not.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So you can only fill a glass.
Destiny Morris: So, Yeah. And if I'm not being poured into how am I gonna pour out all those things?
Destiny Morris: So, um, yeah, I'm a big advocate for therapy. It's worked wonders for me in my relationships and myself as an individual. But if you're having a hard time communicating, sometimes just having a third party unbiased person in there as a therapist, there's nothing wrong with that. You do not. Like I said, the couples that come to see me are usually coming way too late.
Destiny Morris: If you're at the beginning of your relationship and you're having trouble communicating book one session, you, there's no commitment. You don't have to be in therapy for years. Like, book a session, see what it's like. I have a lot of first responder partners, and I'll have their husbands come in for like one or two [01:50:00] sessions just to communicate about finances or just to communicate about sex or needs that are not being met.
Destiny Morris: And they're always, almost every time, wow, my husband talked more to you than they have to me about that. Or, wow, I didn't realize my husband or my or my wife felt this way because I, we don't communicate like that. Sometimes you have to learn and if you were not taught how to communicate, growing, Or maybe you were not mirrored healthy communication by your parental figures growing up.
Destiny Morris: There's no way you know how to do that. If you were mirrored really unhealthy fighting and maybe you have trauma around that, you're not gonna know how to navigate a healthy relationship. You need a little bit of help. So therapy can be something that is really helpful. Not to plug myself there, but, um, it's important.
Destiny Morris: No, I
Anchor Point Podcast Host: absolutely agree. I mean, shit, my relationship's pretty damn healthy and I want to give credit where credit's due for my, uh, marital and family counselor and yeah, our, our, I guess everybody's looking for [01:51:00] problems, I guess you could say with their relationships. That's why you go to a therapist, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Because you got problems. But I will 100 fucking percent say that getting ahead of the curve and doing it before it becomes a problem is absolutely fantastic because it's done wonders for our relationship. And also, furthermore, I mean, it's not a one size fits all solution for every couple up there out there, right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's, it, I'd like to akin finding a therapist a lot like dating, right? You kind of gotta test the waters and see what's going on and see who you mesh with and who you can communicate well with and effectively with. Or else you're not gonna find the right person. I mean, if you stick with a person that you're just not really driving with mm-hmm.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: move on to the next
Destiny Morris: one. Yes. Yeah. I always tell my clients that in the very first session, if you don't, I'm gonna leave this, you know, ball in your. Um, if you feel like we connected well, like, send me a message and we will, you know, book a session. But I wanna leave that in the [01:52:00] privacy of you and your partner to talk about, or you to talk about or to think about on your own.
Destiny Morris: There's no pressure to like me, and I always say, if we're not, if you don't like me, it doesn't hurt my feelings. I have a list of other clinicians that I would love to pass you on to, so just let me know. And that's, that's very, very important. And I just said it on another podcast, but I like to think that I specialize in k crusty crunchy men who hate therapy, and that is my jam.
Destiny Morris: And I will, it'll probably always be my jam. I just, I really like those husbands and men that are like, what the heck is therapy? They're my favorite. I have a dark sense of humor and I like to use it in sessions. So ,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: dark sense of humor, a, uh, coping mechanism and therapy in itself, really. Mm-hmm. . So, yeah, and that's the thing is like, you obviously have a very solid grasp behind the, uh, first responder community, and also you have firsthand experience with what it's like to be on the other side of those boots on the black, [01:53:00] right?
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Mm-hmm. , you've experienced this, you know what to look for, and yeah, it's, you got the recipe. So where can we find you? With that being said,
Destiny Morris: Yeah. So, um, uh, my Instagram is on underscore being underscore resilient and um, my email is Destiny Morris. Um, my first and last name, therapy gmail.com. Um, and then also if I'm not your cup of tea, which is totally fine there on my Instagram I have a highlight circle that says, I think it says therapists or therapy.
Destiny Morris: If you click on that, there is a list of first responder counselors in every single state. So that's another thing. I've gotten a lot of messages from people that are in different states that wanna see me. I can only see you if you're in the state of California, but there is a lovely list on my Instagram of other clinicians that specialize in first responders in every single state.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That culturally competent clinician thing is a rising subject that I'm a huge fan of and I think it's a very [01:54:00] necessary thing because the last thing that, uh, the salty crusty, uh, firefighter or cop or military or whatever, first responder someone in the civil service kind of realm wants to talk to is Joe Blow dickhead.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: That's therapist mc. Therapist has no idea cuz you and I know that first responders, military, the people that keep you safe at night kind of communities, they're very xenophobic and they don't like outsiders. So thank you for that. That is fucking.
Destiny Morris: Yeah, thank you. I'm in that bubble, so if you're looking at it, you've been thinking about it, this is a safe place.
Destiny Morris: Um, comes sit with me. It's not as scary as it seems. I promise it's
Anchor Point Podcast Host: not. There'd be some my anxiety, but it's normal. It's not that bad.
Destiny Morris: That's normal. Yeah, I'm a comfy, normal human being. So .
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Well, with that being said, I'll always at the end of the, at the end of the episode, I always like to give an opportunity for you to give out some shoutouts [01:55:00] to some homies, heroes, mentors.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Who do you got for us?
Destiny Morris: My homies are the Overwatch Collective. They are a nonprofit that raised money for first responders in military families and personnel that, um, need help financially with therapy. And so they have actually funded cops, um, firefighters and fire wives to come and see me in therapy.
Destiny Morris: Um, and they just raised a ton of money at a fundraiser. So if you are looking into therapy and cost is an issue, reach out to the Overwatch Collective Collective because they do, um, case by case financial assistance for therapy.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Hell yeah. Well, destiny, thank you so much for being on the show and uh, hopefully this will, uh, get some people pointed in the right direction to, uh, healing their relationships and also spicing it up in the bedroom.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And before we go, I do want to mention a great book that is a very low key entry into sping it [01:56:00] up and. Full disclaimer, I am not getting paid by these people. I just got this book as a gift, my wife and I, and it's called The Adventure Challenge in Bed. I'm using, uh, air quotes here, and if you want a non kinky, like, not like straight to zero de bondage kind of way of spicing things up in the bedroom with your partner, um, more tame, but still equally as fun, uh, go check out the Adventure Challenge in Bed Edition.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And there's also a ton of other books that they make too. One, they make ones for like, you know, having, going out for dates with your friends, like couples, dates that they make stuff for, I don't know, family kind of oriented stuff. They got a, a huge variety out there, but the Adventure Challenge in bed, I highly recommend it.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's a scratch off book with activities. Oh, it's great. How
Destiny Morris: fun. Can I recommend a [01:57:00] book real quick? Absolutely. Um, this book may be maybe more for, um, women who are wanting to learn more about their body and maybe men that are wanting to know more about women. Um, it's called Come As You Are, and it's by Emily Naski, um, amazing book.
Destiny Morris: And there's pictures in it. So just saying, oh,
Anchor Point Podcast Host: fun. I mean, cuz firefighters can't read, you know? Yeah. There's pictures for firefighters. There's pictures for the, uh, the firefighters out there who can't read for the caveman approach. So . Well, destiny, thank you so much for being on the show and hopefully everybody out there listening to this, uh, learns a few tips and tricks and learns especially about communication and knowing their bodies.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: So thank you. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Right on everybody. Take care.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: And boom, there real ladies and gentlemen, another episode of the Anchor Point podcast is in the books with my good friend, destiny Morris. Destiny, thank you so much for being on the show and talking about, uh, openly [01:58:00] about sex. Yeah, not a lot of people do that. I mean, it's, uh, kind of a, kind of a culture that seems very, uh, repressed in that, uh, context, but, uh, I appreciate the courage and the willingness to talk about such a taboo subject to a global audience.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's freaking awesome. So Destiny here, she is a associate family and marital, uh, therapist, and she specializes in first responder counseling. So, uh, yeah, if you have any questions for her or if you're, uh, in the state of California and you'd like to, uh, check out her practice and what she offers, definitely hit her up.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: She's, uh, on the old Instagram. Uh, it's on o n underscore being underscore resilient, and she's been on a lot of podcasts lately and she does some awesome work. So once again, destiny, thank you so much for. Appreciate it. As for the rest of you, hope everybody's doing well. Like I said, hope you have a plan and if you happen to be in a Reno for October 29th, well come on over to the Hidden Valley Hammer.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: It's gonna be a freaking awesome [01:59:00] event. Special shout out to our sponsors. We've got Mystery Ranch built for the mission. They make obviously the best dam fire packs in the game, so go over to www.mysteryranch.com and check 'em out. We've got Hotshot Brewing. Yeah, kick Ass Coffee for Kick Ass. Cause a portion of the proceeds always go back to the Wildland Firefighter Foundation.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Go to www.hotshotbrewing.com and check 'em out. We've got the ass Ments the Ass Movement. Where, uh, listeners to this episode or this podcast in general can get 10% off their entire order. Sitewide over at www.thefirewild.com. Go over there and check it out, and that code is gonna be Anchor point S 10.
Anchor Point Podcast Host: Then last but not least, we've got the A W e Bethany, you have a kick ass organization over there. Keep it up. And if you, uh, want to check it out, go over to www.wildfireexperience.org. It's awesome. Y'all know the drill. Stay safe, stay savage. Peace.[02:00:00]