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Hey party people! Join me, Amanda – resident weirdo and host of the “…but are you weird?” podcast — as I spend time chatting with some creative, captivating, and downright interesting people, diving into their world, and ultimately asking, “…but are you weird?”
This podcast will have you questioning what ‘weird’ really means — in the best way possible — spotlighting neurodiversity in all the curious, clever, and completely different ways it shows up.
Weird? Maybe. Interesting? Always.
Tune in and get weird with us!
*Transcribed by https://otter.ai - not reviewed, edited, or verified for accuracy*
Amanda 0:09
Hey, party people and welcome to this episode of but are you weird, a podcast dedicated to spending time talking with some creative, captivating and downright cool people diving into their world and ultimately asking, but are you weird? I'm Amanda, your host and resident weirdo, and I'm so happy you're here with us. Our guest on this episode is Kristen, once again, as we pick up part two,
Unknown Speaker 0:36
where we left off, as Kristen describes her ascent up the mountain in the origin of Katie Q Kathy doesn't quit. Take it away, Kristin, I remember you writing to me. I remember writing a post about when my mom died. I remember you writing really profound, lovely things about me and mom.
Kristin 0:57
And then we did that book, it 5k where we did it. Really good mantra that I came up with. She was still alive at the time. So for those who don't know, my mom was a 23 year breast cancer survivor. She was in and out of remission. It's October, which is breast cancer awareness month, so you should go get your Tatas checked. If you have a family history, you don't have to wait until 40 to get a mammogram. You can go get those, get those ladies, those girls, scanned. But she, yeah, she was in and out of remission for my entire life, and she she has three siblings, and my uncle, Bill is a cyclist, and we decided that we would go cycling together. And we decided, before it was reconstructed, to bike up the notch, which wouldn't do that. Wouldn't do that today. That's dangerous. Also, I think, like, why don't you take your niece up there? And it was such a high, like, steep hill, and I was like, Oh, I can't do that. And I know my limits, and I know that I will, like, give up easy. So I'm like, No. And I was thinking my mom, who would have loved to have been outside and been active. But that day she was inside, and, you know, she had had chemo that day, so she was really tired. And, you know, it's just thinking, like, what am I going to give up? I'm not going to give up. Cathy doesn't quit. My mom doesn't quit. Like she's been in and out of remission forever, like she technically should have died a lot before, earlier than earlier than 61 her doctrine remains that she had lived so long. And I really do think it was her positive outlook on life that really helped. And so I was going up the hill and had a cadence, and it became, Kathy doesn't quit. Kathy doesn't quit. But with each pedal, you know, left pedal, Kathy right pedal doesn't quit, you know, and switching and so, like, that's how I got up the notch, by saying out loud to myself, like, probably almost crying, like, Kathy doesn't quit. And like, I made it up the hill, and, yeah, she didn't quit. And that sort of became our, our team mantra. We made those really cool shirts about Kathy doesn't quit, and maybe that's my life mantra, like, don't quit.
Amanda 3:24
I have thought about that, the Kathy doesn't quit thing a few Well, definitely right after we made them very often. But even since then, I still think about it. Katie Q, Kathy doesn't quit,
Kristin 3:35
yeah, I think it's a really good life mantra, positive outlook. Don't quit. Never give up. I remember going through her stuff. You know, when you have to, when you have to go through a deceased person's personal belongings in her wallet, she had a fortune cookie that said, like, never quit. And so I have that fortune cookie now. It's on our fridge. And then I took a picture of it in case I lost it, so I still have it. And it just says, never quit. And so, like, the parallel of, like, she didn't this was like, way before, and I didn't know she had that and like that just sucked her up. Of like, never quit. Two words, never quit, Kelly doesn't quit.
Amanda 4:09
And you're, what's the relationship between your mom and the moon?
Kristin 4:14
Oh, she loves celestial things. So if you think of, like, classic 90s slushy old that really golden, golden,
Amanda 4:26
blue sun, yep, the
Kristin 4:28
90s Sun stuff. She liked the moon, and it kind of was like her thing, Moon stars. And one day she had got this really cool stationery, and it was like a embossed silver moon, and it's in my car. It's in my visor, and it was a beautiful note that she had written that just said, Because I thinking like back now, I think she was aware that her time was limited, not not like imminently, but like that, she wouldn't be around as long. Song, as most people. And so she had written something, and I could probably pull it up on my phone, but it was like, if you ever need me, just look at the moon and I'll be there. So then I would call her my moon mama. And then, you know, just that became the thing. So actually, sea dog says, like, he calls it a bocce moon. Bocce is Polish for grandma, so when there's a full moon, he'll go bocce moon. And yeah, so it's kind of neat to have, like, a tangible connection for him. He actually was having a really hard time with it the other day because it was a full moon. We were looking at the moon, and our neighbors were out, and he another five year old, and he was saying, like, bocce. And so to help him explain that was his grandmother, but she passed away. And he was like, oh my, my grandmother hasn't died yet. Now, just laughing, like, nope. And then our neighbor was like, well, to even it up to even the score, your great grandmother passed away. So like, see, dog was talking about how, how it was not fair. And I was explaining, like, you're right, it isn't, it isn't fair. He was saying, like, I wish I got to meet her. And I was like,
Amanda 6:18
Oh my gosh, yeah. Were you in tears, we're gonna
Kristin 6:21
hold it together. We're gonna explain, like, Yep, it is not fair. And she would have really, she would have really loved
Amanda 6:27
you, dude, yeah, oh my gosh. He
Kristin 6:30
was like, I wish I had a grandma. Like, oh man, sorry, buddy. I wish you did too. I can, like, imagine, and I tell him all the time, like, she would be playing Hot Wheels with you. She would be showing you the pictures of her in the Hot Wheels. She had a road runner, a yellow Road Runner, like ultimate boy mom. She always joked with Sarah that Sarah, Sarah was the daughter that she wanted sporting new, new sports, like, actually played sports was like, rough and like tumble, and then got me who, you know, I'm still would identify tomboyish, not particularly girly, but not sporty. But it is kind of funny that, yeah, just a tomboy that would be having a really fun time with this dog.
Amanda 7:28
I don't think I ever met your mom at a birthday party. Well, when I think of her honestly, the like, the first thing that I think of is, didn't you have a video of her watching Lady Gaga has bad roommate. Love
Kristin 7:41
Gaga. Sean got her that scene you for her birthday, and she did an incredible Madonna ask impression with two party hats dancing to Lady Gaga. Yeah, she loved, she loved Gaga. She loved it's funny. The thing like the core memories that I have, I think, like, what can I do for core memories? For sea dog? Yeah, yeah. Like, what is he gonna remember? Is he gonna remember dancing to Ralph Lynch in the living room, pretending this is her doing it to me, pretending that we're whales. Ray Lynch. Ray Lynch is more less, less lyrics, more music. Just like, funny, quirky, just funny, quirky, quirky things. Yeah,
Amanda 8:25
yeah. As a parent, obviously we're with our kids well now obviously we're usually with our kids, like 99% of the time, and yet we don't remember all of those days. And so like, which you thinking for yourself? Like, which days stand out with my mom and like, what do I hope my child remembers?
Kristin 8:43
And like, I think of how my mom would tell me about and also, I didn't make this connection until after sea dog was born. Her like, I always knew that her dad, my jaju, had passed away. And I knew in some part of my brain, I knew that he had passed away when she was pregnant with me, but it didn't really make the connection until I actually, like, was probably pregnant, or, like, recently gave birth, and was like, Oh, that sucks. Like, you're not here. And like, you know what I'm feeling because this happened to you, and I forget where we're going.
Amanda 9:24
It's an interesting, odd parallel. Yeah, it is. It really is. So like your mother, so your mother's not, your mother is not physically with you in this experience of having a kid, and yet, you two can entirely relate to one another Yeah, because she didn't have her Yeah.
Kristin 9:42
And like, I feel her like she was so awesome, she was such a good mom, she was so cool and funny, and like, loving, and I want to emulate that. And I like, unconditionally, absolutely, unconditionally loving. Always checked in no matter. Matter what, like, if I was grumpy or, like a hormonal teenager, like, she just knew to, like, ride the flow. She was always checking in, always sending mail, just all so present through everything. And I think, like, I need to, I want to do that, you know, for my child. And it's in, like, the hard, hard moments where I think, like, I feel you, I feel your your motherhood, trickle down into me, into him, like I feel it. This is what you do. This is what you would say. This is what you did for me. And this seems normal, you know, this is just like, of course, I'm going to lay with you while you go to sleep, you know, like, of course, I'm going to, of course, I'm going to sit in your in your room, on your floor, and, like, sing to you. And like, of course, I'm gonna let you come into my bed in the middle of the night. Like, that's just the love.
Amanda 10:56
She was such a such a present mother, that in her absence, she's still playing,
Kristin 11:02
yeah, absolutely. I think I wrote about her, about that concept I choose, I try to write an essay every year on her death day, the anniversary of her death, which actually just seems like, I don't necessarily want to remember the day, but it is, like, unfortunately significant of like, well, let's take it up one more year. And I think I wrote about that last year, and I've been trying to think about what I would write for this year. But, yeah, I think, I think what I was trying to say is that, oh yes, I do remember now. So the whole point of me talking about her dad dying when she was pregnant with me, she would always tell a story of how he would save his milk carton in the hospital for her so that she could have calcium and vitamin D growing me, and it was just something that she like, a story she told all the time that like to me, it's second nature to be like, Yeah, this way did I didn't know him. I never met him. But, like, I can tell just from that one story, like the you know, how loving and how caring of a grandparent he was. And so I think it's really important for me to keep telling sea dog all these stories about her, and like, I love that He has a tangible connection with her in the moon, like she's like a real person. She's not physically here, but she's here. She's also, like, There's pictures of her around our house. There's pictures of her, like in his room. We have the pictures of her on sticks. There's still one like in for those who don't know, I wanted her at my wedding, and so I printed out large pictures of her face and glued them to paint sticks to people could just like, hold up in our photo booth so that she would be there. So we have one of those in our kitchen. So I think it's neat that, like, there is a there is a tangible presence through my love into him, and like my parenting, and then also, like the stories that, you know, she was pretty rad. And
Amanda 12:57
I think about a little kid's brain, like he probably really does believe she's moving, yeah, which is pretty cool, because he genuinely believes she's right there in she is here always, yeah? But like, looks up at the moon and it's like, that's just where she is.
Kristin 13:17
That's one moment of like, what if he goes to school and people actually, like, he tells people like, she lives in the moon, like a funny moment of like, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Right now, he just calls it a bocce moon. And, like, he'll say it unexpectedly. And I think it's really cool. There was one other moment when he was smaller, probably like, I don't know, three, and he didn't say a lot of words. Then, like, point, just pointing things out. And His room is her old office, and she had put glitter so it wasn't like, metallic glitter. It was like, like, see through glitter. She she had, like, glued it to the ceiling so it sparkles every now and then, when the light hits, it just right. And one day, I had, you know, told him the story, like he had absorbed that bocce had done this. And he, one day, I was training his diaper, and he just pointed out he was bocce. And I was like, what? Where I've asked this lady for like, you know, 10 years at this point, to show herself to me. Be like, we talked about that, like she would show signs to me, like, where are you? Why are you showing up for me? You're showing up for this kid. Yeah, yourself. And he was pointing to, like, a glittery, like, glinting thing in the scene, like, like, Oh, this is cool. Oh, my God. Like you're here, so like you were here. You've made a moment. You've made a core memory for me, not physically here, but
Amanda 14:50
that's so great. I I love that sea dog will will have her forever, really, yeah. He's always had her, and he'll forever have her. And I'm confident that when he grows up, bocce Moon will remain
Kristin 15:08
same thing, yeah, and he was born on a super moon, which is
Amanda 15:12
like, come on, universe,
Kristin 15:14
right? See, that's the universe. Like, that's our shared like, universal haha, universal universe plot, which a super moon is the closest that the moon can be to Earth. And so he was born on a super moon. And I think that I love, I love stuff like, yeah, I love, I love the universe in that way. Is it serendipitous? Is that the word serendipitous Kismet? Isn't it? I like Kismet. I think Kismet is a robot from the 90s. Also,
Amanda 15:40
oh, I'm interested. I
Kristin 15:44
love for robots.
Amanda 15:46
Well, I think I am a robot. Actually, my Apple watch my background is a robot when I was in college. Oh, wow, this is the now, what a dramatic
Kristin 15:55
term. Why did I, why did I take a sip of water
Amanda 15:59
when I was in college? My college roommate, because I was emotionless, would say, robots don't cry. That's what she would say, wow. And I think it was like playful and also accurate, because I I was really good at not reacting to a lot of stuff, because it was just overwhelmed my system. And so, yeah, robots, don't cry. Don't cry. So now if we connect, we do a mini call back. That would have been up until 2008 she was my roommate. Lots of life stuff happened for me, and then I really intentionally tried to get connected with feeling things you sharing about your mother. Was one of the first times like I felt something so massive the second time, I think would be when my grandmother passed, which was a year after, which is because I was so good at my grandmother's funeral. Of like I wasn't. I probably cried, but not in front of people. And I remember being at her funeral and just witnessing semi dissociative, but not quite where I was, just like, I'm actually not in this moment. Okay, it's actually dissociative. I'm not in this moment. I'm watching everyone have these emotional reactions, but for some reason, I couldn't get emotional. And I remember after my grandmother's funeral saying I would never let that happen again, that I would allow myself to feel things instead of just like, pushing them away. And so I've been more in touch with, like, letting people know when they give me emotions that feel really pleasant, of like I'm going to tell people that I feel good about around them. Sometimes it's weird for people, but yeah, I promised my grandmother at her funeral, I promised that I would be more in touch and more present. Going back to your mom, though your post, and you're sharing stories of her, where it was for the first time, I was like, oh, that's what it feels like to have love. That's a pretty cool feeling.
Kristin 17:55
It's a really profound loss that like, still to this day, you know, like, there's one less grandparent to watch my child. There's one less person to be like, I think about it actually a lot in, like, doing family stuff, where, like, I went to my cousin's baby shower a couple, like, a month ago. And so my cousin is from my mom's side of the family, so it would be his wife who's having the baby. So I'm related to the father of the baby, not the mother of the baby, and another older cousin of mine couldn't be there. And we're kind of funny, because we're sort of the babies of the family, and so there was no one else from our side, and I was like, I'm proud that I'm the I'm representing, you know, I'm representing this, this side of the family. I'm, I'm emulating what mom would do, you know, I would be going there with her, but she's not here, so I'm going and like, I was saying to Sean, I was like, I just wanted to know, I wanted to know that, like, I'm doing the thing, like, I'm buying a really awesome gift. I'm getting a really nice card and writing something nice in it, like, see me be a grown up. You know,
Amanda 19:13
Mom, what did you call? You called her mom, yeah. Was it mom?
Kristin 19:19
M, U, M, Mum, yeah. It's interesting. You you talk about the way you felt at your grandma Maria's funeral. Because I when I can think of my mom's celebration of life, I look back and like, why didn't I speak? Why didn't I say something? And I think, like, I think I just had PTSD like, I actually did trauma induced anxiety that sort of manifested in, like health related things, because while she was supposed to die because she had breast cancer that metastasized into her bones, so, like we knew that she would be dying earlier, she had gotten an infection and just sort of died suddenly, like really unexpectedly, for someone who you know, we. We knew would be around for a long time, and so that sort of that affected me, and I think probably should have just gone to therapy earlier, probably would have helped a little bit better. And I remember thinking like, remember saying to Sean, who I think would have probably proposed in 2013 just if that, you know, if mom hadn't died like that was the trajectory of our life. I remember saying, like, I like Hint, hint. I think this might be happening. I don't want anything big to happen in 2013 I don't want to remember this first year without my mom. I don't, I know. I know myself, and I am going to block, I am going to block so many things out, like, I can't tell you. I know one thing I went to our family. We don't own it, but it was a beach house that my side of the family would go to in the cape, and so my cousin had invited us along, and it was like, nice, sort of healing. Because, like, my mom would have gone there, and her sister was there, and it was a nice, like family vacation. That's the only thing I remember of 2013 because I just didn't want to feel anything. And then I realized, you know, both Sarah and Sean were prompting me to do something about how I was feeling. And I think I remember saying I didn't want to take medication, because I realized I just needed to feel it. I needed to get it out of my system. I needed to feel it. Because if I kept putting it off, it would the feelings would be there. Like, intense feelings later,
Amanda 21:34
just covering them up, right? Yeah.
Kristin 21:36
And so, like, you know, 13 years later, I do have feelings, but like they're, you know, I can cry at the drop of a hat when I really, like, open the door. It usually happens around this time of, like, the anniversary, where I'm like, let's open the door. Okay, close it. Like, yeah, pretty dramatic. But like, we're in a better place now where we've, you know, the five stages of grief of like, this is the reluctant acceptance, yeah. And now I feel like I'm sort of like a poster child for like, when now, as we're older, our friends have their parents passing away, I'm like, Oh, hey, welcome. Welcome to the dead moms club. Let me Shepherd you in. My goal would be to write a memoir, not necessarily along the lines of, like the dead moms club, but just a memoir of, like her and what it felt like. I think I'm in a good I think about, like, the chapters, and like every year, I'm like, why am I not writing this? I'm like, now I think that I have a chapter with, like a child. It can kind of be full circle, you know, and like, I can sort of relate as a parent now. Yeah, she wrote, she kept notebooks, and one when I was little, up until my brother was born, we're 20 months apart, so there was also notebooks for him. So there's like a solid, like, four year, three or four years of like, a reporter's notebook that she would have any like, my bocce write in when she was babysitting us, or, like, my parents worked opposite schedule, so, like, they would leave notes for each other, you know, in these notebooks. And it'd be like, Kristen eight teaches, or like, did this and whatnot. And so one full circle thing was that she'd always told me, you can't have allergies because I breast fed you. And I remember being like, Well, you didn't breastfeed me that long. And looking in the notebooks, reading them, it was like, you know, really painful. Like, really, you know, trying again, and like, seeing her struggle. And then I went to get Invisalign last year, and it during, like, the intake and like, these are the weird things that come up, like, with loss now, 13 years later, where that, like, actually, like, still, like, get me, like, starting now, like, thinking about it, like, I want to tell you this, of like, they do an assessment. And like, you know, there's, like, the person doing the assessment, like, in my mouth, and someone's taking notes, and so they're like, you know, bicuspid, whatever, yada yada. And they say, like, medium, medium tongue tie. And I was like, I have a tongue tie. And then all the knowledge, right? Circling back to all the knowledge that we learn as parents, like breastfeeding and like, all the stuff you learn about as a new mom. I know tongue ties make it hard to breastfeed, and then I, like, blew through the notebooks. I'm like, this is why. This is why, yeah, right. This is why you only breastfed for like, two weeks, or like two months or something, and it was so hard for you, it wasn't you, I wanted to tell like it wasn't you, yeah, yeah, it was my mouth, you know, like, it wasn't you, it wasn't you from lack of trying or anything like that. It was, you know, something totally, totally, like, out of your control.
Amanda 24:49
And, yeah, it brings it back to what we were talking about, the beginning of motherhood. Like, it's already so hard to transition into the role of motherhood, and you're taking on so much, and you're learning all of this. All of that. And so to be able to give her that information, yeah, you know, would potentially relieve her of all of the stuff that she could have been feeling at that time. Of like, okay, I can let go of that now,
Kristin 25:12
Yep, totally. Or like, yeah. Like, if you breast fed longer, how would that have impacted your, your breast cancer diagnosis and like that impacted, like, how long, like we did an extended weaning with sea dog, like I breastfed for as long as he could, you know, because he didn't want to wean. But also, like, the more you breastfeed, it's like better for your own breast cancer reduction, you know. So, yeah, it's all connected boobs and moms.
Amanda 25:49
All right, so Kristin, I end Kristen, six side. Kristen erected. Kristen, the big question, the point of the whole podcast, I got to ask you, are you weird?
Kristin 26:01
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
Amanda 26:04
What is something weird that you do everything or that sort of something that makes you weird?
Kristin 26:11
I knew you were going to ask this question and then trying to, like, distill it down, like, what's one weird thing? I don't know. Yeah,
Amanda 26:17
and it doesn't have to be, like, your most weird thing, because, uh, if somewhere to ask me, like, I have so many weird like, I can't possibly pick the most. So, like, what is just something that's like weird?
Kristin 26:28
I It's funny because you mentioned it. Actually, I think I really like to learn about people. I like that I probably ask too many questions. I'm weird because I asked too many questions, and it's probably not socially acceptable to like, be like, really intensely interested in people. Right off the bat,
Amanda 26:50
I'm gonna say that that would probably make you weird. I think people would find that weird. Sorry. Also, I don't think that's weird. I think it's beautiful. I think to be like and you're not when you ask questions, like you're not mining for some particular piece of information, like you are really getting curious about people, yeah, and that's exciting, but I don't think people are used to it. I don't think yeah, they feel, they feel like it's of ill intent. And so I think that's what unfortunately makes it weird. But, like, sorry, I'm actually interested in you. I'm really want to ask
Kristin 27:26
questions. Tell me I don't know. Let me ask you. Me ask you about your mom that died, you know. Like, I want to Yeah. I want to know, yeah.
Amanda 27:35
There any weird habits that you have?
Kristin 27:38
I sleep with a baby blanket. Oh yeah, my baby.
Amanda 27:41
Is it your Is it your baby blanket too. Is it? Is it intact? Is
Kristin 27:46
one side of it is, like, mostly worn away, because I just like to rub it. It's a sensory thing. Yeah, I like to rub it so the satin on that side is like worn away. But circling back to Mom, let's relate everything to kpw. She had two for me, and she always kept the other one. And I'm not entirely sure why she kept two. Maybe she thought that I would want to give one to my kid, but I did, so I have two. So now see, dog has the other one that is like, Oh, someone is brighter green. Everything is all the satin is there. He doesn't do the same, like comforting rubbing thing, which, not yet probably is a sign of neurodivergence, right? Like sensory seeking
Amanda 28:28
could be, some people could say it's a stim. I'm using air quotes, but if it's a just a strategy that helps you regulate whatever
Kristin 28:35
you know, with the with the words, the word, the concepts that like I you know, I know now, just from like, absorbing, from like, you and Sarah, like, it probably is a stim in it. Probably it absolutely regulates me, for sure. Yeah,
Amanda 28:48
stim. Stim has a negative connotation. We all have stims. We all do things naturally that help us regulate. Like, I'm playing with the chord of the microphone right now. It's just, yeah, it's just, I just need a little bit more sensory
Kristin 29:01
input, right? Yeah, that's all so now, see, dogs got one and a bad thing he he like, he knows, like, sometimes he'll be like, Is this yours or this mine? I'm like, Well, that was bright green, so it's yours. This 139's years old.
Amanda 29:18
All right, so that's a wrap on this episode of but are you weird? Thank you so much to Kristen for letting us get to know you and showing us your weird and wonderful and beautiful mom, all the moms involved. Bachi moon, mama, mama, mom. And thanks to you for tuning in and getting weird with us. Of course, I am so glad that you're here. If you enjoyed this episode, please follow, leave a comment or share it with your favorite, curious mind, until next time, stay curious, stay kind and definitely Stay weird. You. You.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai