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In this engaging episode of the Real Retirement Show, we, Yasmin and Kathleen, dive into the intricate world of family dynamics, examining the delicate balance between personal evolution and the maintenance of strong family connections. Sharing a moving story, we highlight the transformative power of initiating reconciliation and its significant impact on our relationships. As we journey through retirement, this episode illuminates the critical importance of adapting to the changing roles wit...
In this engaging episode of the Real Retirement Show, we, Yasmin and Kathleen, dive into the intricate world of family dynamics, examining the delicate balance between personal evolution and the maintenance of strong family connections. Sharing a moving story, we highlight the transformative power of initiating reconciliation and its significant impact on our relationships. As we journey through retirement, this episode illuminates the critical importance of adapting to the changing roles within our families, embracing new phases of life, and nurturing the bonds that bring us joy and fulfillment. Whether we're navigating the challenges of estrangement, adjusting to the independence of adult children, or seeking harmony in our partnerships, this episode offers insights and strategies for solidifying the most meaningful ties in our lives. Join us as we discover the keys to a smoother family life, rich with understanding, laughter, and smiles.
00:00 Introduction: A Personal Story of Family Dynamics
00:53 Welcome to the Real Retirement Show
01:36 Navigating Family Dynamics in Retirement
02:26 Understanding Parent-Child Relationships in Retirement
03:47 Changing Roles and Dynamics with Adult Children
09:58 The Importance of Independence and Personal Space in Retirement
15:56 The Impact of Family Dynamics on Mental Health in Retirement
17:24 The Role of Relationships in Retirement
23:24 The Importance of Communication and Expectations in Family Dynamics
29:54 Conclusion: The Importance of Family Dynamics in Retirement
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Online Community Resources: www.retirementsandbox.com
Real Retirement Video Podcast: Real Retirement - YouTube
Welcome to "Real Retirement," a groundbreaking podcast where your hosts, Yasmin Nguyen and Kathleen Mundy, delve into the multifaceted world of retirement beyond the numbers. This isn't your typical retirement discussion; it's a vibrant journey into what retirement truly means in today's world.
Each episode of "Real Retirement" brings you compelling conversations with guests who bring a wealth of expertise and authentic retirement life experiences. Our goal? To inspire and educate our listeners to approach retirement with intentionality and a broader perspective.
But "Real Retirement" is more than just a podcast. It's a community for those navigating the uncharted waters of retirement, whether you're just starting to plan or are already on this deeply personal journey. We explore a wide array of topics, including:
What sets "Real Retirement" apart? It's our commitment to authenticity. We bring you real stories from real retirees, discussing real challenges, surprises, joys, heartaches, and the myriad emotions that come with retirement. From addressing family dynamics to confronting identity shifts, we tackle the issues that truly matter to retirees.
Join Yasmin and Kathleen as they journey through the honest and often unspoken aspects of retirement. "Real Retirement" isn't just about ending a career; it's about beginning a new, exciting chapter of life with all its complexities and joys. Tune in and be part of a conversation that redefines retirement in the most real way possible.
Kathle: we had a conversation on
the weekend with a very good friend
it was prime example of family
dynamics at its worst and at its best.
the father had a lingering illness
and the siblings had been estranged
there was this friction and they
couldn't seem to work it out.
So, our friend decided, I'm going to take
The first step, and I'm going to reach
out and ask to have a family meeting.
He decided that he would
lay some ground rules.
and also prepare what the
topics were going to be.
And through that, they broke the silence.
they found a new form of a relationship.
And two months later,
his father passed away.
Yasmin: Welcome back to
the real retirement show.
My name is Yasmin here
with my cohost, Kathleen.
Whether you're retired or thinking about
retirement, we delve into the multifaceted
world of retirement beyond the finances.
This isn't your typical
retirement discussion.
It's a vibrant journey into what
retirement truly means in today's world.
stories from real retirees and
experts discussing real challenges,
surprises, joys, heartaches.
And the myriad of emotions that come
with retirement from addressing family
dynamics to mental and physical health
to finding purpose, we tackle the
issues that truly matter to retirees
and those thinking about retirement.
Today's topic is all about navigating
family dynamics, our relationship
with ourselves, and our partnerships.
Kathleen shares a heartwarming story about
learning to step back and let her grown
up daughter navigate her own challenges.
It's all about finding a new
way to be there for each other
without stepping on toes.
Family dynamics is more than
just parent child relationships.
We'll dive into how we see ourselves
and connect with our significant others.
We'll share stories and tips on
how to keep family ties strong
by listening, sharing, and
respecting each other's space.
So grab a comfy seat and let's explore
together how to make family life
smoother and filled with more smiles.
Let's join our conversation.
Kathleen: if we talk about
family dynamic, sometimes we have
the impression it's our kids.
At least I did, because again,
I don't have any siblings.
So when I talk about that, I think
about, okay, how am I responding?
How am I reacting to my, children?
And I had a call yesterday
from my middle daughter, and
it was the most bizarre call.
Ever.
Yasmin: Yeah.
How so?
Kathleen: Well, she asked advice
about my ex and I thought this is
your relationship with your dad and I
totally appreciate that, she was asking
me to give her advice on his behavior.
I thought, my gosh, We've
been divorced for 40 years.
I have a clue, on what his behavior
is like, but what it told me is
that everyone needs a touchstone.
Everyone needs someone to reach
out with someone that we can
bounce ideas off or just vent and
someone who might understand us.
Yasmin: Yeah.
Has your daughter reached out
to you before in this capacity
Kathleen: No.
Yasmin: what's different?
What's changed?
Kathleen: What's changed?
that's a really good question.
What's changed?
okay, I'll tell you what's changed.
I've taken a step back because as
parents, we have a tendency, and again,
this goes into the family dynamics
that I wanted to discuss on a podcast
to begin with, is that we have roles
through each stage of our life.
And it's really difficult
to break out of that role.
And even though your children, I
mean, she's in her, mid forties.
So even though, our children's age and
become adults and, and they have their own
life, we somehow as parents get caught.
In our old role.
And so I'm, I've always
been a problem solver.
You know, I did it in my businesses.
I've done it with my friends.
You have a problem.
Okay, let's strategize.
I can figure this out
and get you through it.
And so I realized my role was
no longer to solve her problems.
My role was just to be there to support
her if she needed any guidance, but not to
jump in and offer it before it was asked.
So I think that's the difference.
And one of the things that, came to mind
and it happened last year when she came
to visit with her little boy with my
grandson, we parent completely different.
And that's when I realized,
okay, I have to step back.
I can't impose my methodology
or my comments because it
became a really stressful visit.
it was not what she or I had hoped for.
And so that's when I really
realized, okay, the role I
had as her mother is gone.
It's no longer valid
until she asks me for it.
I can't immediately step in
and start solving a problem.
And I've seen so many of
my contemporaries here.
I don't know what to do with my daughter.
Everything I say is wrong.
They parents so different, I
can't even feed them the food
that I want to feed them.
so that's I think the difference when you
realize your role is completely different.
And once you own that, I think your
relationships alter, they change
dramatically, actually, but not quickly.
it's not overnight, but it's
a gradual, dramatic change.
So from A to B, it's dramatic.
But that time frame might take a
year or two, depending on how willing
you are to accept the fact that
your role has changed and you're no
longer that controlling person who
wants to guide them through life.
Yasmin: That's such a powerful
perspective, Kathleen.
I think of it as when we're younger, the
parents are trying to protect, trying to
guide, trying to Like you said, control.
And sometimes we get stuck in that
mindset that as our children get
to a certain point that they're
like, wait a minute, I'm dependent.
I know what, I know how to make decisions.
Who are you to tell me this?
And it causes this unnecessary conflict
that it's almost like a power struggle.
And to some extent, as that goes on for
decades in some cases, we start to really.
ingrain ourselves in that
dynamic of our relationships.
And as you shift into a different
chapter of your life, all of a
sudden, as you start to pull back an
accept, like you said, the changes
now they start to notice Oh, wow,
I don't need to defend my position.
I don't need to protect and all
of a sudden the ice kind of melts.
Right.
But like you said, it takes time.
One or two occasion like, uh, we'll see
if that's, that's going to stick, but
over time as you have, I think it really
shifts your dynamics with your children.
Kathleen: true, Yasmin, I really
think that every relationship
has a life expectancy.
So the relationship that I had
as a mother parenting a young
child, that relationship is over.
Now it's a new relationship and
it will have a life expectancy.
If.
You allow it to grow and
develop the way it's intended.
And I think oftentimes
we try to force things.
Sometimes it's friendships.
I see things within siblings.
I mean, I have four children.
They all don't get along.
And yet there was a time that
I tried to be the mediator.
I tried to intervene.
I tried to get them kind
of a little bit closer.
We'd have family functions and things.
And it was a disaster.
It was, it was the typical Thanksgiving,
you know, it didn't matter when.
And so then I just decided, you know what,
I'm going to let them do it on their own.
They're adults.
I said this to you before, I know I've
done my job when they're independent.
Wonderful people forging their lives.
Now, I have to remind myself sometimes
that they're independent people.
But, When they reach that
point and you accept it, you
know the flow is just easier.
The friction is gone and all you
have to do is be a sounding board.
You don't have to defend them.
You know, he said, she said all that stuff
actually happens again when you get to.
a trauma in your life, or whether losing
someone or a disastrous health situation.
That's when this dynamic reappears.
It surfaces its terrible teeth because you
just want to bite into the next person.
And I remember when you did
that and you've always been
the, you know, that kind of a.
But again, because I'm an only
child, I never ever experienced that.
And when I see my children do it,
I think, wow, you can't do that.
That's not right.
Well, but it is right.
that's the way they're living their life.
So who am I to tell them
what's right or wrong?
there is no right, there is no wrong.
It is the way they're living their life.
I'm curious, Kathleen, what your
thoughts are in terms of how involved
someone may be with their children at
this stage of retirement, if they have a
lot of other things on their plate, or if
they just have a lot of time and they're
just sitting there noodling around.
What's going on with my children?
do you think there's a difference if
you've got lots of things occupying
your mind, your time, your energy versus
someone who may have an abundance of
time to maybe focus on their children?
Kathleen: Absolutely, Yasmin.
I think that, that what happens, and
I've seen it, parents become dependent.
So it's role reversal.
they look to their children
to fill their lives.
And maybe the kids did throughout
the hockey and the soccer and the
baseball and the dance lessons.
And That was the way
they filled their life.
But as your family develops and grows
and changes, sometimes parents get stuck
and then as they retire, especially if
they don't have daily activities that
prepare them to take a portion of their
life and time out of their day to do
something else, they become dependent.
on calling every day.
again, I lost my mom when
she was, I was so young.
I never ever had that,
but I know my friends.
Oh, my, I, my mom calls me every day.
Well, that would drive me nuts,
you know, but, but they do.
And if they don't have specific
activities, You know, if their day
timer isn't full, even two activities
a day, you know, a walk in the morning
and maybe bridge in the afternoon, it
doesn't have to be, you're writing a book
or you're, climbing a mountain but it
just needs to have something in there.
A blank page is, I think,
the downfall of retirees.
That blank page can trigger sadness.
Which ultimately, or could develop
into depression and I think that,
your page has to have something on it.
And once you do that, you don't
rely on, on your children so much.
I think the one thing that I've
learned, as my kids have developed
their own lives, your role as a parent
is to give them everything you can.
You can teach them, you can mentor
them, but once their wings are developed
and they're gone, you have to sit
back and just see when they visit.
on our property, we've got lots of
birds, I see generations of little ones
kind of grow and then they come back
and the parents kind of just have to
hang out and say, wow, there they go.
And then there they are again.
And I think that if parents took
that, mindset a little bit more, I
think the family dynamic would be.
smoother and you're just there
to support, someone who took
our assessment actually scored a
hundred percent in family dynamic.
Now that's pretty amazing.
You know, even I think I'm a
great mom, but I didn't do that.
But, I know this person and you
know, it doesn't surprise me because
all this person does is support.
That's it.
He doesn't offer suggestions or
recommendations or I told you so,
or you should do this, you should
is the worst thing in the world.
And.
That's exactly, I think, what led him
to have such a strong family dynamics.
And I've met his children and his
grandchildren, and they all, you just
feel it, when they're in the same room.
And I think he's the
poster boy for, what to do.
it has given me the impression and
having known him for some 30 odd years.
Yasmin: that's awesome.
I love hearing that because we
get a chance to learn from someone
who is practicing, these types
of communications, relationships,
skills, as well as retirement.
And, it gives us new hope and
possibilities because I can imagine that
growing up, we don't develop these skills.
we don't have necessarily all have
role models on how to communicate and
relate In a loving, kind, understanding
way with various others and to be able
to have someone model this as well
as share what are some, tips as well.
How do we get a chance to
experience this ourselves?
I think that's, what's so fun about what
we're doing right now is really sharing
all these different facets of the reality.
Both the challenges as well
as all the amazing things
that happen during retirement.
Well, the Real Retirement Show
is all about, offering skills and tools.
To make sure that your retirement is
joyful and family dynamic is part of it.
And honestly, if you can't feel
comfortable about what's happening within
your family, I think it erodes the ability
to be optimistic about other things.
because they have not fulfilled,
you know, they've got blank pages.
Yasmi: you're spot on, Kathleen.
It's, the blank page.
And the thing is, is that there's been
so many decades and years focusing
on family, career, other obligations.
They've never, or at least
it's been so long since.
They've been given a blank page, maybe
since childhood, where you could just
doodle and draw and do whatever you want.
it's hard to even imagine what to do with
a blank page, whether it be routines.
What do you want to do?
What do you want to eat?
Where do you want to spend your time?
I don't know.
And like you said, when you have
the blank page, it could be the
start of, lots of unnecessary stress
K: Lots of non necessary stress.
So every time an episode is posted,
hopefully there's going to be something
that you can add to your toolbox, some
way that you can get rid of the stress,
because that's really what it is.
and hopefully you'll be
able to share it with.
Neighbors and friends and learn from
it and offer your own suggestions
because we say this all the time.
You can't do it alone.
You don't have to.
That's why we're here.
We're not experts.
You've said that, although we've got
some incredible experts coming on.
And I'm so thrilled about that.
I cannot wait.
But I think that if we just allow
ourselves a little bit of relief and
not demand so much, I'm That we just
kind of step back and let things happen.
They are right.
We are right.
No one's wrong.
That family dynamic can really
develop in a beautiful and giving way.
And hopefully you'll gain the tools
and skill sets as we move through our
journey with as many episodes as we can.
All of which I think are going to touch.
They're going to always kind of
come back to the dynamics within
your family and your friendship.
And a lot of times your
friends or your family.
You know, so I think that when
we talk about family dynamic,
it isn't just biological family.
It's the family that you choose as well.
And it's always the first person who
puts their hand out that is the winner.
Yas: It's interesting, Kathleen,
when we talk about family dynamics,
it's an element of focusing externally
on our relationships, but we'll
definitely also cover the aspect of
that relationships with ourselves too.
And in many ways, our
relationship with ourselves.
the dynamics that we have with others.
And so we'll actually have some
experts that will help us rediscover
ourselves and, understand how we're
wired, understand our gifts, as well
as some of our tendencies and how
that affects the people in our lives.
And as we shift, it's important to
have these tools, like you said.
And I think that the other big
shift is the mindset shift.
Kathleen: Mhm.
Really thinking about things in
a different way like you said, your role
as a parent with your children changes.
It's the way that you think
about that, that also impacts
the behaviors that come out.
And so there's layers and layers of,
richness that we get a chance to explore.
Kathleen: You know, Yasmin,
I think that's why this topic
has been absolutely perfect.
Prep people for what they're
going to receive over the next
year or two or however long.
You know, we've got lots and lots
of episodes, over 170 episodes that
we're going to be dealing with.
And because of that,
it's all about mindset.
You have to prepare yourself
to be open and have the
opportunity to really hear it.
And then you get to decide when I process
this, does it work for me or does it?
And we don't expect that everything
is going to work for everybody or
everything is what everyone needs.
We get that.
But what we want to do is offer
as much information from as many
experts and storytellers and
people who are actually really in.
the mix of it all.
we'll have everything cataloged.
So we will give you an opportunity
to go back and forth and revisit some
of the things that you think, you
know, and I heard that last month.
Maybe that's what I need
to go and listen to again.
Yasmin: that variety of.
Not only information, but perspectives,
I think, can be very enriching because
we may talk about a specific topic, but
we can look at it through the lens of,
let's say, someone who is, a specialist
in caregiving, or perhaps a specialist in
what's called non violent communications,
or perhaps a relationship coach.
Each one brings a slightly different
perspective where At one point in time,
you might not resonate, but then when
someone says it a different way or
looks at it through just a slightly
different angle, it clicks and our hope
is that something clicks at least for
you or someone, you know, and, that
this is something that is a meaningful.
experience that you can take with you.
Kathleen: You know, that lens
that you're talking about.
is really important to remember.
I'm going to just tell you
a really brief little story.
we had a conversation on the
weekend with a very good friend
who just lost his father.
And it was prime example of family
dynamics at its worst and at its best.
So, of course, the father had a
lingering illness and the siblings
had been estranged and that resulted
in kind of an estrangement between
one of the siblings and the parent
because there was this friction and
they couldn't seem to work it out.
So, our friend decided, I'm going to take
The first step, and I'm going to reach
out and ask to have a family meeting.
And it was brilliant because
without any help, he decided that
he would lay some ground rules.
and also prepare what the
topics were going to be.
And through that, they broke the silence.
they found a new form of a relationship.
And two months later,
his father passed away.
But he said, I had, if I hadn't done
it, I would not have had that time
with my father because they healed
the wounds enough so that they
could revel in the time they had.
And then at the end of losing his dad,
a month later, he became very ill.
And I thought, wow, this poor
guy, he's got no luck at all.
I mean, this is terrible, the
crisis that he's been going through.
And then they got COVID and it
was just like layer upon layer
upon layer of stress and anxiety.
And it came out the other end.
Really positive because of
the way he had handled it.
And he felt really, really good that he'd
taken the initiative to kind of mend that
wound enough to have a relationship with
his father that he would not have had.
And I think that that's
really important to realize.
people say live in the
present, live in the present.
And I get that.
I mean, I think you should absolutely,
appreciate what you have and be
grateful for every day that we're here.
And right now it's snowing.
I'm in Ontario and you know what,
I don't, I'm not crazy about the
winter, but it's really beautiful.
When you see the, great
big flakes coming down.
So I'm grateful that it's
going to last two days.
I'm grateful for that.
But I think that it's important
to make sure that you've.
Think about your future.
if this fellow hadn't thought about
what's the future gonna be like if I
don't mend this, rift between our family.
And so because he had thought enough
ahead that he was able to take action.
Yasmin: what an inspiring
story to hear about the time
that he made with his father.
That's really powerful.
Kathleen.
When we talk about family
dynamics, it's such a broad topic.
You know, we touched on the
dynamics with our children, right?
We talked on the dynamics with,
our aging parents as well.
And there's also the dynamics.
Between your partner, your spouse, that
certainly gets impacted and changes
during this chapter, especially when
perhaps you might not have had as much
time throughout your career together.
All of a sudden you're in each
other's space and face for an
extraordinary amount of time.
And I'm curious, what has your experience
been, with relationships or with people
that you've talked about their spouse?
Or their partners.
Kathl: well, it's on both sides.
It's on each end of the spectrum.
There are people who absolutely,
and we've heard them.
In fact, there was one in our,
very first focus group that said,
I can't stand the fact that blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
but here's the thing, Robert said first
thing this morning, I was thinking
the other day, how long does it take?
Okay.
From the time we wake up, how long does
it take until one of us is laughing?
And he boiled it down to two minutes.
And it was interesting because it was
actually about 10 seconds this morning.
And, it's true.
I think that if you can laugh and
have a great relationship, then,
there will be a wonderful opportunity
for you to spend time together.
But I also think that you still need
to have your own personal space.
And you need to have that time to breathe.
You need to have that time to bring
some new interest and activity into
the relationship to freshen it.
We've got a whole chapter that we're
going to be dealing with about how
bringing the spark back into that.
And I think that.
that relationship, is definitely part of
family dynamic and the pressure sometimes
that I see our friends with that they
have to do thing and one person takes over
and, and they're kind of like the, um.
Tour guide of their life and that other
person feels really diminished in the
process because all of a sudden They seem
to have no control over what they're doing
in life So I think that in my experience
Finding joy in everything that you do
even the little goofy things I think
really brings a spark but it changes it
develops it morphs And the relationship
has to be respected for those changes.
And if someone has the expectation
that, okay, now that we're alone, it's
going to be like, we first got together
and we were dating and no, it's not.
It's not at all.
It's going to be completely
different because you've
evolved into different people.
So as you evolve into different people,
of course your relationship is going to
evolve, I believe, and I'm certainly no
expert, but I honestly believe that if
two people can't find commonality, their
retirement is going to be a torment.
Y: that's why we see such a high
increase in divorce and separations and,
We become different people at different
stages, and if we're no longer aligned,
sometimes like you said, it's, really
difficult to maintain the quality
of a relationship that we desire.
And I had a conversation yesterday with
a friend of mine over coffee, and she
was sharing with me that the dynamics
with her parents, her retired aging
parents, Is really different in that
her father, is more of an introvert.
And he likes to just stay at
home, kind of the negative,
perspective, critical perspective
and her mom is quite the opposite.
Very extrovert, outgoing, and
she wants to go and do things.
And he's like, I, you know,
I don't want to go anywhere.
and when you're in it, that
place, you have two choices.
You can either like, okay, well,
if he doesn't want to go, then
I'm not going to go, which then
develops a whole series of different
emotions, resentment, frustration.
And it's like that.
If you have a pet that wants to
get out and go run and you don't.
Let them out to go run.
What happens?
It's going to get all
that pent up energy and
Kathleen: They chew the sofa.
Yasmin: exactly.
but the other choice is to communicate
and be okay with, okay, fine.
You stay at home, watch TV, do whatever
I'm going to go out and I'm going to.
Do things with new friends, new activities
and there are ways to be able to satisfy
both needs, but sometimes we feel trapped.
And I think of my parents situation
where my dad's kind of an introvert.
He likes to stay private.
My mom, I know internally, she likes
to meet and go out and meet people.
And, but the challenge is that just
with some health challenges that
she has, she's not able to drive.
And so there's this dependence
on him for the social outlets.
And over time I've discovered that
she's become withdrawn as well too.
And, so I take it upon myself to try to
be the catalyst for some experiences to
take her out on walks to do things, but
I'm noticing a shift in her as well.
And so I think, there's
these differences that.
really show themselves during this period.
You know, Yasmin, I've never had
to deal with siblings or an aging parent
because that didn't happen in my life.
But, my husband's mom is 95 and we.
decided that, he would spend
time with her just one on one.
And she was very, very active, very
active person in the community.
So when she became, unable to drive
and, continue with her activities, she
became a little critical about life.
And I can only, understand that
that was normal, but what happened.
It was interesting.
So we used to take her out for
a drive or take her for lunch or
take her this way and I realized
she doesn't want my company.
As much as I think I'm a great
person, she wants his company.
The relationship has to be
between the two of them.
So I said, you know what,
I'm going to bow out.
Why don't you guys just go and, and
they would just go for a drive in
the area that she was living and look
at houses they had such a good time.
Sometimes they wouldn't say anything.
He said they would drive for an hour
and maybe have 15, 20 minutes of
conversation, but it was, the energy.
And they were in each
other's personal space.
And, when she was here yesterday,
she was very appreciative I did put
out all of the good china and all
of the silver she loves tea parties.
You know, high tea.
I should say high tea.
So we kind of did that kind of thing.
And you could see that she
was really appreciative.
Now she's got something to go back.
There's something on, was
something on her page.
She now has stories to tell all of
her people in the retirement home.
And That helps her stay who she was.
So I think that, was it something that
I really wanted to do on a Monday?
No, it, wasn't.
My page was pretty full, so I had
to kind of work around all this.
But honestly, I think that if you
can help understand what they did.
What their life was like, and try and
help bring that to them a little bit.
It makes for a better dynamic
because again, it's just
positive energy in the same room.
And I'm sure that your mom feels the same
way when you do special things with her.
Yasmi: What a gift that you have
shared with, Robert's mom in that way.
And it reminds me of that friend that
I had mentioned with different parents.
When she was thinking about what
gifts do I want to give my parents,
especially for the holidays, many folks.
In this chapter, I've got a lot of things.
Last thing you want to do is give them
another thing, because chances are you'll
be responsible for getting rid of it.
So she thought about what brings them
joy or specifically what brings him joy.
And, food was the answer.
And so.
What she did is she started getting
some gift certificates for some
interesting, new, fun restaurants that
they could go to together and experience.
And it was a way of getting
them out of the house.
It was a way of them connecting
with something that was joyful.
it got them moving together and
being able to talk as well too.
So just these ideas of what can
we do to change things up and
invite them to a new experience.
Kathl: when my kids were growing
up, I gave them life experiences,
you know, whatever they needed, they
got, but at Christmas, or at their
birthdays, I would give them a life
experience and it might be a theater.
It might be, well.
One time I sent them to Mexico and
my friends thought I was crazy, but
they were older at that point in time
and it was all safe and wonderful.
But anyway, the thing is we still do it.
We still give them life experiences.
And sometimes you might remember
that I visited my, daughter and
her husband in Mexico this year.
And so I said, for Christmas,
I'm giving you a visit.
I'm going to come and yeah, I'm
going to come and visit you.
That's your Christmas gift, and it
was the best Vacation it was the best
time the best we've ever had together
Instead of buying things for them.
I bought a ticket for me So that's
the way it worked, but as a result
of that they are doing the same
thing They said what we're gonna.
Do is we're gonna plan a family
visit, and we're all having a
Christmas in August at our house here.
So they're flying their kids in from
Calgary and this is their life experience.
So I think it's wonderful.
I think this is our legacy.
Speaking of visiting Kathleen,
I'm curious what your thoughts are
on retirees that have a lot of time.
And maybe they're visiting, wanting
to visit their kids all the time
or wanting their kids or their
grandkids to visit all the time.
And, and what are the boundaries and what
are the expectations that need to be set
in order to have a, good relationship
as time becomes more available.
And perhaps the kids may think, Oh,
well, we'll just drop the grandkids at.
Grandma or grandpas,
they got plenty of time.
What are your experiences
and thoughts on that?
Kathlee: It really boils down to
expectations and communication.
we've met a couple who didn't want to
live closer to their children because
they were afraid they would become the
instant caregivers to their grandchildren.
And yet, mine are so far
away that I don't see them.
Some of them more than maybe once
every year or two, but you know,
what the beautiful thing is, we
can still have relationships.
And sometimes, 15 or 20 minutes is
all it takes because the attention
spans are pretty short sometimes.
Anyway,
Yas: And we can mute people too.
Kathleen: we can't,
don't you dare mute me.
But, I think that in my experience,
that has been the case that we have.
A good friend of mine who has
been retired now for 15 years.
She retired so, so early from teaching
and she said, I will be caregivers
to my grandchildren on my time.
And she told her kids that,
and she's stayed true to that.
And she has a wonderful relationship.
and again, it was expectation
and communication.
So, that's what I have discovered,
that works best for most, well,
it works best for everybody if
if everybody's on the same page.
Yasmin: I love this
conversation, Kathleen.
I, because family dynamics is such
big component of this retirement
journey and there's so many different
facets of it and I love that
we're just touching on different.
threads of this conversation and
that we've got some experts lined up
and that, we've got some retirement
roundtables where we'll be inviting
people to come together and share
different experiences, share some
insights, share some frustrations
that perhaps others can support.
And so I feel this is really
fulfilling and joyful to be
able to explore this together.
and this is just one of at least
almost a dozen other big topics
that we get a chance to dive into.
Kathleen: I just want to
remind people, I think it's
important for them to check out.
Our sandbox and the events tab in
that sandbox because our sandbox is a
resource center where you can find all
the information that we're talking about.
You can get links to our podcast.
You can find articles, but
there's an event tab and
that will have our workshops.
It'll have our roundtables, our
discussions, it's simple to join and
we want you to get engaged with us.
We want you to tell us
are you interested in?
What do you want to talk about?
What's really worrying you?
What's your story?
And we invite you to join on this journey.
We want to help you with yours
and make it rich and joyful.
Yasmin: Absolutely.
And I'll drop the link in the show notes.
It's retirement sandbox.
com.
And we invite you to be a part
of this journey together because.
You shouldn't have to do this by yourself.
and retirement doesn't come with
a roadmap with specific steps and
instructions that you assemble the,
piece of furniture or anything like that.
But the thing is, is that.
We're here.
We, know a lot of people.
We're curious.
There's a lot of others
and we want to learn.
We want to invite you to be a part
of this learning experience and
then applying it in your lives.
And share it with your friends.
You don't know what you don't
know about what your friends are
going through or family members.
Share it with your kids for
heaven's sakes, because there's
going to be episodes that
will help them understand you.
I certainly didn't know what I
didn't know, and wow, within a short span
of a year, holy cow, I feel like I've only
scratched the tip of the iceberg here.
And, we're looking
forward to learning more.
You know, Yasmin, when you said
that it's, kind of like assembling a toy.
The first thing that came to
mind, I had a son who loved Lego.
It's like Lego, you know, there's all
kinds of parts and it's, it's up to you
as to how you put them all together.
, that's what this is all about.
It's giving you pieces of Lego and
you put them all together and the
podcasts are helping you do it.
And the experts are there to
guide you through the process.
And, it's up to you as
to how you build it.
Yasmi: I love that Lego analogy,
Kathleen, because you think
about If I were to just give you
a bunch of Lego pieces and say,
okay, go to town and build it.
I think it's like that
blank piece of paper.
What do I do?
How do I put this together?
But what's brilliant about what Lego did.
Is not only did they show you on
the box what you could build and
give you instructions as well.
They also tapped into all of
these different, experiences that
we've had in our society through
different brands, whether it be
Marvel, Star Wars, whatever, and re.
Ignite that connection that we had
and applied these blocks to that.
And so in many ways, as we are showcasing
possibilities of how you could relate
with your children, your partner, what
you could do to explore in your life, all
these new possibilities through people
who are living a joyful retirement.
We're in an essence.
Giving you the picture on the box of what
you can build, and we're also providing
the tools, the resources, the support,
so that you can actually build it.
The instructions that come with it.
So I love that analogy, Kathleen.
Kathleen: Well, uh, here's to
new pieces and may the puzzle
take you where you need to be.
Yasmin: Well, we're so
grateful to have you join us.
Thank you, Kathleen, for
such an amazing conversation.
This is really one of the highlights
of my week and that we get a chance to
be together and to just talk about this
journey and hopefully be able to inspire
and support and help others along the way.
Don't forget if you're watching
us now, subscribe so that we can continue
with these podcasts and bring you
way more tools and have way more fun
Yasmin: Thank you for taking
the time to join us today.
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episode at real retirement show.
com.
Remember, retirement is a joyful
journey we get to experience together.
Join us next week for another
Real Retirement Conversation.