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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over: Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 2:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to long time listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what
Speaker 3:we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care
Speaker 2:for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. You guys gotta see this. Look.
Speaker 1:See? I'm not even kidding. There is a bike in my car. There is a bike in this car, and I'm so excited. I gotta ride it right now.
Speaker 1:I cannot even wait to ride it. I gotta ride it right now. I'm in the parking lot, and we gotta drive home, but I cannot drive home because I am too excited to ride my bike. I got a bike, you guys. You gotta look.
Speaker 1:Look at that thing. Whoo. It's shiny. Now if you have to compromise, that means working together, and that means that means that you don't complain about nothing for if it's a girl's color or a boy's color because I learned that's called binary, and it don't matter. So all I care about is I got a bike to ride, and nobody even knows.
Speaker 1:But, also, I'm wearing a skirt, and that is the problem. So I'm gonna teach you this. If you pull this part of your skirt up at the back and you wrap this part around here on the side and if you pull that up and then tuck it in right there, bam, you got yourself some shorts. Then nobody see you parading around the parking lot in a skirt. And you got shorts on, which means you can ride a bike.
Speaker 1:It don't matter if you're wearing boots. Everybody wears boots. It's Oklahoma. You can wear boots. But what matters is that you can get on this bike and go.
Speaker 1:You got I cannot look at it. Look at this thing. Man. I got it. Touch them fancy tires.
Speaker 1:They're all aired up and ready for me. I got spinning and see they move real good. And I see this frame. It's so nice. It don't even matter if you share one body.
Speaker 1:All thousand of you gonna fit on this bike just fine because because it's a fine bike. Let me tell you. So I'm going for a ride. I guess I can't talk and ride. That's like that's like drinking and driving if you gotta Look at this baby.
Speaker 1:Man. Oh, man. Oh, man. It's got pedals and a seat and even got a black lock. I got a helmet.
Speaker 1:I was safe. Man, I gotta put this. Lock it. Yep. All locked up for safety.
Speaker 1:And here's what I got to tell you. That was a nice ride. And I'm not even kidding you because I'm in this town, And, well, I don't know what decade is it, but they got tennis court over there. That reminds me of when I walk at Healing Together, and I was talking about alligators. So now now when I see when I see when I see a I see a tennis court, I'm thinking alligators.
Speaker 1:So I don't know if they got alligators right here in Oklahoma, but I don't I I don't go to tennis courts no more. But it's a lovely sidewalk, and I got my boots on, and boots were made for walking. So I'm walking because I got things to talk about. And there's some snow. A little pile of snow right under this tree.
Speaker 1:Look at that cute little snow. He's like, he's a, I'm not Kansas City no more. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
Speaker 1:I really love snow. Make me a little snowman. Just a minute. There. I paused it.
Speaker 1:I didn't record a whole empty snowman making because I forgot you can't see me. Sometimes I think you're here when I'm talking to you. And, well, just what if hi, people. I don't know what they're looking at. I'm just talking.
Speaker 1:Alright. I'm just thinking, man. Oh, man. They'll come to work on Monday, and they'll be like, somebody love us enough. They gave a snowman.
Speaker 1:I'll be like, it was me. I did it. Just making a a snowman and a snowman and a podcast. That's all. While I'm on a bike.
Speaker 1:Not many people can go on a bike ride and a snowman making contest all in the same day. But we got a long drive home, and I tried out my bike for a little while. It's working. And I love it, and I'm excited. And I'm very happy about it because I need I need my freedom.
Speaker 1:You know what we're doing? We're sitting in a chair all day at the computer, and I was like, no way. Hey, buddy. I was like, we gotta be we gotta be I don't know. We gotta be We gotta be moving.
Speaker 1:That's what I'm trying to say. And woah. It's like a slush puppy for my feet. I like that. I stomp all that ice off my feet.
Speaker 1:I don't wanna fall down. I don't remember what I was talking about. Well, so we went on to drive, which is good because we're leaving the house. And we got this bike, and it's in the car. And I was like, oh, man.
Speaker 1:Oh, man. I got this car. And, well, well, that's exciting. But, also, when we've been sick and we've been working, all we can do is sit there or lay there. Well, that makes me wanna wanna be outside.
Speaker 1:And finally, here's the sunshine and a bike and a park. I I gotta try it out. Well, I can't just get back in the car and start driving because finally, I can move. Woah. Look at that tree.
Speaker 1:That tree is a twisty, gnarly up tree. That tree is a kind of tree that tells story. Man, tree, I wish I could stay here and hear what you have to say. But maybe on another day, hey. I made a rhyme.
Speaker 1:That was a rhyme. So, anyway, I'm going for a walk. I gotta clear my head because you know what happens? Therapy. Always therapy.
Speaker 1:We have a new therapist. I'm just paying attention. I'm not talking at her. One day I saw her on accident, but I didn't talk at her because I feel like I don't wanna mess that up again, and I feel like anything that happened was my fault. Men, I can't even breathe for a walk.
Speaker 1:When you get COVID, that's a bad deal. That's why that's why we had to wear a mask. I don't understand it now. I just barely been walking, and I already feel tired and huffing and puffing. I can't even blow nobody's house down.
Speaker 1:But it feels good to be in the sunshine, and I like going for walks. So I'm just wondering about therapy. Sometimes I like that it is on the computer because sometimes I like thinking maybe it's not real and it's far away because it's only on the computer. And then it's not as hard as being there in person. But, also, I don't like if if that camera is watching me, and what do they think about that?
Speaker 1:I don't even know. And my other therapist, well, that broke my heart, and I had to talk about it, and I have big feelings. I can't even breathe. I'm not sick no more, but it's so hard to breathe sometimes. 's not really sick.
Speaker 1:That's just breathing. I gotta make sure I gotta make sure that we're not being a lazy bum, So I gotta be moving. But when I have to talk about what happened with my other therapist, I didn't really get turned by myself because she don't wanna see me, and they don't wanna let me see her. So that doesn't feel good and just in a disaster. Like, imagine imagine your favorite ice cream, And imagine you get some chocolate syrup on there and maybe a cherry on there.
Speaker 1:Maybe you want some sprinkles. Man, that make me need a snack. I need I need to find a snack. There's no snacks out here. But I can tell this kind of town, it got some Mexican food somewhere, and I got my boots on and, by golly, I'll find it.
Speaker 1:But if you had a ice cream, like a fancy ice cream, whatever you imagine it, and it's in a fancy bowl and you got a big old spoon and you're about to dig in and then you drop it on the floor and it ain't nothing but a big old sticky mess everywhere. That's what happened to me with therapy. I thought I got a buddy. I thought I got therapy. I thought I got a safe way and a safe place to tell some stories and do some talking and get it out of me.
Speaker 1:Well, that was false information. Fake news. That's what that was. That was fake news. I learned about that because I pay attention to things.
Speaker 1:Well, I gotta walk because if I don't walk, I'm gonna cry, and there ain't nothing worse than crying. Well, being stuck in a skirt and crying, that's worse. That's the worst sis there is. So I got a separate responsibility for causing problems, for avoid therapy, for letting my guard down, for not understanding. But the worst part, the worst part when somebody comes out at you and yells at you for dropping your ice cream on the floor even though you didn't mean to.
Speaker 1:It wasn't on purpose. But it was still you, and everybody knows it. That's called shame. Whether it's your fault or not or real or not, that feeling is a feeling word. I didn't even know it.
Speaker 1:It's like, man, I gotta get breath for a minute. It's like a feeling word that got a thought with it. That's what shame is. Because the feeling is bad, and the thought is I'm bad. That's no good to nobody.
Speaker 1:Bye. Here is a kicker. The kicker is when we try and talk to that other therapist about it, then she said she don't feel safe talking about it. And I thought, but you're the one who's supposed to make it safe. You're the one who's supposed to keep it safe.
Speaker 1:And now why am I the one in trouble for it? And how did I here is the real question. How did I get turned into a bad guy? Oh, That just gets in my britches every time. Because oh, man.
Speaker 1:I don't I don't understand how me trying to ask for help with big feelings about not feeling safe turned into me being the one causing the problems. So I thought things were not as I first appear, Like in the mirror when you are driving, not as it appears, something. So then I thought, okay. Courtney was right this whole stinking time, and I've been acting a fool. So I have to accept responsibility for being a fool.
Speaker 1:And just take my sadness and my feelings, my therapist said betrayals. She says it's called betrayals, and I had to take them somewhere else. Like how you drop your ice cream? Well, you know what they do? They get you a new one.
Speaker 1:And you can still be sad. You can still be sad if it's not your first one. And you can still be embarrassed that you made a mess in front of everybody. But you might as well eat your ice cream. So I might as well go to therapy.
Speaker 1:But I gotta tell you something. Ice cream is way better than therapy. And something else. Here's what I learned. Ice cream is worth crying about.
Speaker 1:They know that Because your therapist can't be your therapist if they're acting like your friend. But if at the same time, they're not your friend and then don't act like your friend neither, that's like your ice cream just getting knocked right out of your hand on both counts. So what I learned was my feelings was big because I lost my therapist and my friend. So now I have a therapist that's new and not my friend. So I'm just watching.
Speaker 1:I'm taking my time because I don't know what to think about that. It means that we got paid for the time that we spend with them because they are doing a job. But because we pay them, it means they show up and they help us. She does because that's her job. And and, also, it means we don't see her any other time except at therapy.
Speaker 1:And it means we have a plan for any time we did see her on accident or, And it means when something does happen, we talk about it instead of not being allowed to talk about it. You know why? Because nobody wants to stand there with ice cream spilled all over their clothes. And everybody just staring at them, but nobody helping them. So therapy is alright, but I'm not talking to her yet because she's not my friend.
Speaker 1:And my heart's still broken and a little raw. But we did them eye movings, and it's kinda like sweeping up your ice cream mess on the floor, like getting napkins and cleaning yourself up. Like, it can't make it unhappen, but it doesn't just leave you standing there in the mess neither. Kinda like getting yourself organized a little bit, cleaned up, presentable for the public in case you need to ride your bike with your skirt shorts on so you're free to live your life instead of just standing there in front of everybody with a mess of ice cream on the floor and all spilled down your clothes. And it's okay if you're a little embarrassed and don't wanna go back and get ice cream for a while.
Speaker 1:Or maybe maybe you just want salsa now until you're just only gonna go to a place for salsa because I like salsa. I think we need some salsa right now. Because that feels better than being in trouble for trying to eat ice cream and thinking I never should have in the first place because I know better than try to get something nice for myself. But if you get our movings, then it's like then it's like, okay. We're gonna clean up this ice cream into just a little pile on the floor, and we're gonna tone down that trouble you're in.
Speaker 1:And we're gonna leave it here and come back to later when you've got some help instead of just being embarrassed and alone and no dignity all by yourself and drowning in shame feelings. And and while we wait to come back to get more ice cream another day, we're gonna help you go over here and just have some salsa and feel better. That sound like a game plan to me. My therapist said it's okay if you're angry. I don't know about that.
Speaker 1:That feels dangerous, and that's why I told her. And if it's my own fault, and she said I'm the one not safe, the other therapist did, which made me cry a long time. That's all my fault. So who am I supposed to be angry at myself? Nothing I can do about that.
Speaker 1:Myself already did what myself did. I can't fix it now. The ice cream's already on the floor. Nothing I can do but say I'm sorry, which I did, and try to clean it up, which I did, and then leave town and not ever come back, which I also did. But if you don't have iMovies and you don't have a new therapist, then you just think I'm never allowed to go back to town.
Speaker 1:And you just sit on your chair, and you work all day, and that's no fun for nobody. And you get sick anyway, and that's not even fair when you've done everything right the whole time. Follow the rules. Still be in trouble. Story of my life right there.
Speaker 1:But if you get a new therapist and you do some eye movings, well, then maybe you go down to meet a friend, and maybe that works just fine. And maybe there's a couple of you that wanna look at the new bike and go for a little walk and talk about things while words are moving. And maybe lots of you can feel it all at once together because the therapist invite you to listen and pay attention you thought well. Getting invited to the party sure feel different than getting kicked out of the party. At least somebody wants me.
Speaker 1:But now it's me that want myself. I know what that means. Just like she told you that therapy belongs to us and nobody can mess it up then because it's already ours, so they can't take it away. So maybe this new lady know what she talking about. And maybe she can help even if we can't be buddies.
Speaker 1:And maybe I can make buddies who are my friends and who are my buddies and so they act like it. And, well, that just maybe fill me up with salsa because now I'm all hot and spicy. I worked up full flavor, but I kept my words from being too colorful because I can regulate myself. She said, that therapist, that new one, she said, I think you can regulate yourself pretty good, maybe too good sometimes. And I said, well, I gotta be safe.
Speaker 1:And she said, well, that's called fawning. And I said, man, how do you sneak therapy into this conversation? I just wanna tell you about my bike. And, well, I just climbed up on my bike. That's what I was trying to tell you about.
Speaker 1:I I just climbed up on my bike with my skirt shorts on, my skirt tucked into my waist, and I got my cowboy boots on and the husband's sweater because it might be cold outside. And I just rode a whole circle around the block, around the park, around the town, and then I walked all the way back to my car. And then I went for walks again just a little bit. And now I feel better because I said all those things out loud better than spinning them in my head like a cotton candy machine. That's what it's like up in there.
Speaker 1:Man, I think it's time for a snack. So now I gotta get used to playing with these girls a little bit because this bike, well, it's the prettiest purple you ever did see. So here we are like a clown car, but just on the bike. Maybe I'll be at a circus. That'll show them.
Speaker 1:It'll be my circus bike. I will be running around town like the emperor's new clothes except nobody can see us. They just see one body, and we have a good old time, and nobody even bother us. She said, if you put words to it, what words do you think you would put to it? And I said, well, I think that therapist trade me in for something else, like trading birthright for porridge.
Speaker 1:That's what I think happened. And then she forgot about it, and I don't even know which one was worse. Maybe I'll get some eye movings for that. Settle it down. I'll say, hey, big feelings.
Speaker 1:I'm a tone you down like this. She said, you got spirit. I said, I didn't use to have spirit. I used to be a nice guy. I didn't like him to be turning to a bad guy.
Speaker 1:But sometimes hard things change you. Sometimes hard things make more of you. Sometimes hard things just build muscles, and maybe I'm just getting my muscles figured out. But I'm gonna make them leg muscles because I'm gonna ride my bike. Every chance I get.
Speaker 1:And maybe some chances I take too. Because it's about time we got some freedom. That's what I think. And I can be safe about it. I know how to keep things safe.
Speaker 1:Maybe that's my betrayal like she was talking about that now time ain't always safe. But I can keep myself safe in now time. I don't even know what letters is that. I c k m INT. That's a lot of layers.
Speaker 1:That's too much alphabet soup for me. But that's what's happening while I think about why I'm on my bicycle. Then now we're set free again. The hospital said we don't gotta wear a mask no more right now, that we don't have to distance no more right now, and we can see people. And what I learned in a time of hard times when now time was not safe, I learned who was safe and who was not safe.
Speaker 1:And I think that was very important message, but it was very difficult lesson, but maybe one worth learning. I'm gonna go ride my bike and find some salsa.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for listening to us and for all of your support for the podcast, our books, and them being donated to survivors and the community. It means so much to us as we try to create something that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing. One of the ways we practice this is in Community Together. The link for the community is in the show notes.
Speaker 2:We look forward to seeing you there while we practice caring for ourselves, caring for our family, and participating with those who also care for community. And remember, I'm just a human, not a therapist for the community, and not there for dating, and not there to be shiny happy. Less shiny, actually. I'm there to heal too, being human together. So, yeah, sometimes we'll see you there.