250. Blessing Your Mentee with Dr. John Trent from StrongFamilies.com

In this episode of the You Can Mentor podcast, Zachary Garza sits down with Dr. John Trent to explore the life-changing impact of mentorship and the power of words. Dr. Trent opens up about his own journey, overcoming a difficult childhood, and the crucial role mentorship played in his healing. He highlights the importance of having someone who truly believes in you and introduces the concept of "the blessing"—a biblical idea centered around affirming and adding value to others’ lives.

Together, Zachary and Dr. Trent dive into the five key elements of blessing, including the healing power of meaningful touch, and how these elements can transform relationships. They discuss how mentorship can guide individuals through their struggles, help them recognize their worth, and inspire hope for the future. Through a powerful conversation about encouragement, faith, and the deep connections that mentors can foster, they reveal how words, touch, and genuine commitment are essential in guiding others toward growth and healing.

Download the Shareable Resource at https://www.youcanmentor.com/downloads.

--

Dr. John Trent is an award-winning, best-selling author and the president of StrongFamilies.com and the Center for StrongFamilies, both organizations dedicated to strengthening marriage and family relationships worldwide. He is known for books such as The Blessing, Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Heartshift, and Leading from Your Strengths. Dr. Trent is also the creator of the Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver personality framework. He holds a Master of Theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary and a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Counseling from North Central Texas Federation of Colleges and Universities. For over 40 years, Dr. Trent and his wife, Cindy, have been married and have two daughters, Kari and Laura. 

00:00 Introduction to Mentorship and the Power of Words
02:01 John Trent's Personal Journey and the Importance of Relationships
06:42 The Role of Mentorship in Healing and Growth
11:42 Understanding the Concept of the Blessing
16:52 The Five Elements of Blessing and Meaningful Touch
23:24 The Power of Touch and Connection
24:26 The Importance of Spoken Words
28:10 Overcoming Lies and Seeking Encouragement
32:26 Attaching High Value Through Words
34:42 Envisioning a Special Future
36:19 Genuine Commitment in Mentorship
42:49 Pointing to Jesus in Mentorship

What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?

You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.

We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to [e-mail], and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.

Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.

Speaker 1: 00:04

Welcome to the you can mentor podcast. We help Christian mentoring leaders thrive. Share our podcast with your team. Sign up for our monthly learning lab cohorts for mentoring leaders and come to the National Christian Mentoring Gathering. Help us serve more mentors by giving us a 5 star rating where you listen to your podcasts.

Speaker 1: 00:22

Find out more by following us on social media or going to our website at youcanmentor.com. You can mentor. I wanted to let you guys know about the You Can Mentor Learning Labs where executives and key players come together to share about mentoring experiences and to get sharpened up in some of their mentoring tools. Our next learning lab for executives is on December 11th for key players. That's people who run programs or are directors or things like that.

Speaker 1: 01:00

That's on December 12th. Go to the You Can Mentor website to find out more and to sign up. We'd love to see you there. Thanks. You can mentor.

Speaker 1: 01:11

Alright. Welcome to the You Can Mentor podcast. Zach Garza here, and I have a special guest, mister doctor John Trent. John, say hi.

Speaker 2: 01:20

Hey. Great to be with you, Zach. Thank you for, your patience, and we we did it. We actually got got together. That's great.

Speaker 1: 01:29

That's right, John. Finally, it's only taken us a couple months, but, man, I am so excited to have, he you on our podcast today talking about, the power of our words and, just what it means to invest into the lives of other people and give them that kinda those words and affirmations that maybe they haven't ever received before.

Speaker 2: 01:52

So Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome.

Speaker 1: 01:55

So doctor John Trent, you're the founder and the president of Strong Families. It says on your website that you have the best job in the world, which is kinda cool. You are married. You've been married for over 40 years. You have a couple daughters.

Speaker 1: 02:12

You are a proud grandfather. You are from Arizona. You have been trained up as a counselor, an educator, a pastor, and you are doing some awesome things, John. So thanks so much for taking time out today to share your wisdom and your knowledge and your experience with all of our mentors.

Speaker 2: 02:32

Yeah. No. That's fantastic. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 02:35

Yeah. So, John, just why don't you tell us in your own words, who is doctor John Trent?

Speaker 2: 02:42

Yeah. Well, you know what, Zach? I think, you know, my story is a little bit like yours. You know? So, I'm a first generation Christian.

Speaker 2: 02:54

My dad mom divorced when I was 2 months old. I never met my dad till I was in high school right at the end of high school senior year. You know, I used to I grew up I didn't grow up in a Christian home, unfortunately. I, was, you know, kicked out of grade school, tons of anger, hurt, all that stuff, and, used to hate my dad. And and then I became a Christian, and I just intensely disliked him.

Speaker 2: 03:22

And, then I I realized I'm becoming just like him, and I don't even know him, you know. And so much of it is, you know, the word forgiveness in the New Testament in Greek is the word luo. It means to untie the knot. And, you know, my dad wasn't losing any sleep over never having been in our life. I was the one that was all angry and tied up in knots.

Speaker 2: 03:44

And so but so much of my story, frankly, is really what your podcast is all about, what your ministry is all about. Those conferences that you do, and the way you coach, people is, so I I grew up, you know, again, my mom was phenomenal. I mean, you have to have one person in your life that's crazy about you if you're gonna make it, I think, you know. Now hopefully, it's dad and mom and whatever. But for me, dad was gone never that whole time.

Speaker 2: 04:13

And so, you know, I just you know, my twin brother is super smart. He just poured all of his frustrations and anger and hurt into being the best scientist. He's one of world leading geneticists. And then my older brother drove heavy equipment and could beat up, you know, the earth, you know, and I just, you know, just didn't do well with people. I was just angry and hurt, and so relationships were what was really broken with me.

Speaker 2: 04:43

And, again, that's a big part of what you do is restore relationships. Because what what you've seen is brokenness. You know, my mom was phenomenal in in everything. But by the time we were about in, 5th grade I'm trying to think how old that is. I know it's 5th grade, but bottom line is, my mom became medically retired and ended so for 2 years, you know, 7th, 8th grade, and then going into high school, my mom was back in Indiana.

Speaker 2: 05:12

Our older brother's trying to raise my twin brother and I. There's no money. We're you know, Jeff's on his way to going and getting a full ride at Indiana University. I'm, you know, I I I he graduates summa cum laude. I graduate lordy, how come?

Speaker 2: 05:30

You know, kind of a deal. So I'm just broken and miserable. And then hang on a minute. Here's the end of the story. Okay?

Speaker 2: 05:36

Not the end, but the beginning of the really good story. And why we really want people to be mentors is, it's senior year. I've done really well in wrestling because that's combat. You know what I mean? You can hit people legally, which is why I went into football.

Speaker 2: 05:53

And this guy shows up who's 6 foot 4 x offensive tackle at Chico State, and he's a Young Life leader. Okay? Have you ever heard of young life?

Speaker 1: 06:06

Oh, yeah, man.

Speaker 2: 06:07

Yeah. So but basically, what he was, was he was a let me pour Jesus into broken kids leader. So he picks 3 kids. Okay? Well, he he helped a a 1000000 people, but he kind of adopted my older brother, Joe, my twin brother, Jeff, and me.

Speaker 2: 06:28

And, we're gonna be talking a little bit about something called the blessing, you know. Guess where I saw it? I I now again, from a mom, mom did as good as she could, for as long as she could. And then when she was out of the picture, it was right at that, you know, when you're making decisions about who you're gonna become, and and I was really headed the wrong direction. But then here comes Doug Barrow.

Speaker 2: 06:53

And, every element of the blessing we're gonna talk about, every one of them, he poured into Jeff and me and Joe. He led me to Christ, my twin brother to Christ, my older brother to Christ, my mom to Christ. I think our cat snuck in. I'm not sure. Everybody in the family was impacted by this one guy.

Speaker 2: 07:12

Well, guess what he after a Young Life leader, guess what he did, Zach? So he moves to Walla Walla, Washington. He's from Washington up in that area, and he that's the largest prison that's there. And he would take 3 guys in prison and mentor them for a year in prison before he'd pick guys before just before they came out and pour into their life and mentor and encourage them. And then they'd come and live with them for that next year, and then he'd pick 3 more, and then he'd pick 3 more, and he'd pick 3 more.

Speaker 2: 07:43

And I'm telling you, he's changed so many people's lives by just pouring into him. And so I'm the pro I'm a very, very poor, his name is Doug Barum. And I'm of I've just tried to be a very poor Doug Barham, over the course of my life. And so it's all about mentoring. I mean, the reason I'm talking to you today, the reason I've, done what I've been able to do with families is because so many of us are broken.

Speaker 2: 08:11

Right? I mean, we're just, you know, my story used to be an anomaly. Today, it's the norm. You know?

Speaker 1: 08:19

And I think the thing that that's so crazy, John. Every kid needs one person who's crazy about them.

Speaker 2: 08:26

Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 08:27

And, man, that there are so many kids out there who they don't have that person. Exactly. They don't have that that guy who every time that they see him, there's a huge smile on his face. Or every time that she walks in, she champions him. You're like, oh

Speaker 2: 08:43

my gosh. It's so good to see you. Like, yes.

Speaker 1: 08:46

And I know for me, right, like, for me, I didn't experience that till I was 27 years old. Right. And. And that transformed my life. Right.

Speaker 1: 08:58

Just Yeah. There was this guy, you know, Papa Don Finto, Don was in his eighties. And I walked in and he starts laughing. And he gives gives me this huge hug. And for a kid who grew up with who didn't have a father, I hadn't had much experience with a man hugging me before.

Speaker 2: 09:18

Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 09:20

And it's so weird. Yeah. And so he comes in with with his hug, and I'm like, you know, I'm like, this is so weird. Then, Johnny, he starts to give me a kiss on my cheek, and I can feel his beard, and it was the craziest thing. Like, it was so weird.

Speaker 1: 09:38

It was so awkward, but there was something inside of me that yearned for it. And I, like, it changed me. It it helped me say, I don't know what this is, but I want more of it.

Speaker 2: 09:51

Right? More likely. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 09:54

And so us, like, a kid can't be what they can't see. And so if there's not someone championing them, if they're not someone who's loving them, then how are they going to love other people? Right? Yeah. And so, man, Doug

Speaker 2: 10:09

Doug Barrett.

Speaker 1: 10:09

Doug's the man.

Speaker 2: 10:10

Yeah. He's the man. He's 80 now and, well, in his eighties. He's probably, like, 83 or something. But, he still checks in on a bunch of us.

Speaker 2: 10:20

He's let let a ton of us to Christ, and he still checks in on me and a bunch of our friends and my twin brother and and it just has been incredible. And so, again, as we, you know, today talk about that, it's interesting that right in scripture, everything you've said is just absolutely played out. You know, we are called 1st Peter 39 is a great verse, and and I love the message version. You know, it's an interpreted paraphrase, so it's not, you know, like the new American standard or, you know, whatever. But it it it says, you know, the, you know, the blessing.

Speaker 2: 11:00

That's your job. You're to get a blessing and then be a blessing. Okay? Now that's in the message version, but that's really the same message that you get in the others just made it, you know, really, understandable. And so that's the deal.

Speaker 2: 11:16

When you grow up without the blessing, you know, it's so easy to pass down the hurt, you know, to not close the loops, to to struggle, you know. And then what changes us is that attachment moment. That moment then we come to know Christ, that moment when you come to know a person that you don't even know faith is really so that was the thing with me with Doug. I didn't have a faith equation. What I had was this guy standing on the sidelines, and exactly like you said.

Speaker 2: 11:49

You know, you'd come off, and man, he was just beaming or after the game after a wrestling match. I didn't have a dad that was doing that. I had this big 6 foot 4, you know, Doug Barham who was why why was he even there? You know what I mean? Was crazy about but he made a choice.

Speaker 2: 12:09

And he did these 5 things in scripture, the blessing. Because when you're a mentor, guess what you're doing? You're stepping in. And because you get a blessing, man, now you can give it to somebody else. And so that's what we get to talk about, you know, today is what is that?

Speaker 2: 12:26

What is the blessing, and why is that such a realize it or not, these awesome people that are listening to your, your program, they're they're they're the person somebody's gonna, look back on in their life and go, that person gave me the blessing. And that's what opens us up to faith and life. And so, again, you know, I just applaud what you're doing, and and, great to get to talk about it today.

Speaker 1: 12:52

Thanks, John. Yeah. So the book, the the blessing was written in 1986. Is that right?

Speaker 2: 13:00

Well, there's several versions. That's an old version. It might Okay. Okay. It might have me in the back, cover with dark hair, you know.

Speaker 2: 13:09

But there's been it's there's been several revisions. I know it's been around for a long time, but it's still, you know, is a great opportunity to help, people understand that, man, right at the heart, there's a great verse in Deuteronomy chapter 23 5, Zach, and it says this. Now there was this guy named Balaam that was hired to curse God's people. The word curse literally means to damn up the stream. Well, when you showed up at age 27 with that 80 year old and he, you know, wrapped his arms around you and, you know, gives you a hug even to where you can feel his whiskers, you know, on your chin, you know.

Speaker 2: 13:55

And it's something just broke inside you. Right? Okay. Well, what it was, you know, when you when you don't have the blessing, when you don't have these elements of the blessing, it's like somebody's damned up the stream. Well, he broke the dam.

Speaker 2: 14:09

I mean, that's what you can do as a mentor. It says, you're breaking down walls. So it says, Deuteronomy 23:5, it says, now the Lord your God was not willing that the curse rest upon you. So in other words, Balaam was gonna subtract. The word, you know, to dam up the stream is a picture of subtraction.

Speaker 2: 14:29

Okay? So all these things so, you know, my dad bails out when we're early. There's no he never paid a set of anything, you know. So we were struggling financially. The all of this you know, all the anger, all the hurt, you know, you know, that kind of a deal.

Speaker 2: 14:46

But long story short is Doug Barham shows up. For me, it was Doug. You know? For you, it was, you know, that 80 year old guy. Doesn't matter who it is is.

Speaker 2: 14:54

Man, woman, whoever's listening to this, you can do this with so many kids. But, boy, when they show up in your life now the it was the lord was not lord your god was not willing that the curse rest upon you. But the Lord, your God turned the curse subtraction into a blessing for you because the Lord, your God, loves you. And, Zach, what the word bless means in scripture, it's it's it's a really powerful word that has two word pictures. So I was a Greek major at Dallas Seminary, which, you know, because I got some bad advice.

Speaker 2: 15:31

I I thought it meant New Testament. I majored in New Testament, and I didn't realize it meant you were a Greek major. And at Dallas back then, if you majored in Greek, you had to minor in Hebrew. So that was a great 4 years of my life never even having had Spanish, you know. But the word blessing, all these Hebrew words have word pictures behind them.

Speaker 2: 15:49

Okay. Well, there's 2. When you bless somebody, guess what you do. Okay? Number 1 is okay.

Speaker 2: 15:55

I said, I'm bowing before you. Number 1 is, when that 80 year old guy saw you and his eyes lit up, okay, which is a big part of attaching high value to somebody. They just look at you like they're crazy. Okay? And then there's that appropriate touch.

Speaker 2: 16:12

Man, he just wraps his arms around you. Now today, touch is so broken. You know, you've gotta be you know, win the right to you know, I I get all of that. I you know, it might be putting your hand on their shoulder. Might be asking them, hey.

Speaker 2: 16:26

Can I patch you on the elbow? You know, so we get the idea that touch is broken. So don't just walk up to everybody in the street and start hugging them. You know, you'll get arrested. You know?

Speaker 2: 16:36

But it with the with that you know, what he did with you, you know, is began to reverse the curse. Okay? He turned the curse into a blessing. So when you bless someone, you're saying, Zach, I don't care where you've been or what you've done because I was such a mess. You know?

Speaker 2: 16:51

And here's Doug, and why would he take time, you know, and all this stuff, with me? And, and so he he the lord turns the curse into a blessing. Well, there's 2 pictures. 1 is you're really valuable. That's an attitude.

Speaker 2: 17:08

Okay? The person in front of me that I'm mentoring, our attitude is they have great value because that's how the Lord looks at them, and we can. But then the second thing is you add to their life. It's a picture of adding a coin. Do I have one?

Speaker 2: 17:25

Oh, I do. So we have these blessing coins, okay, that we give people are kinda like challenge coins. I do a lot with the military and, you know, get these military guys and gals to give a blessing to their families before they get deployed or do an, you know, whatever. And so does that make sense? Because you're so valuable, I'm gonna add to your life like adding a coin to a scale.

Speaker 2: 17:51

That's the picture in the old testament. And so that's what we get to talk about today. How do you do that? You know, biblically, how do you bless them? And there's 5 things we're always a part of the blessing.

Speaker 1: 18:03

So one thing so my mentor I mean, I'm I'm I'm so fortunate to have 5 or 6 guys Yeah. Really invest into me. I'm like, man, there's no way that I would be here today if it wasn't for Don or wasn't for Steve or wasn't for God crossed or like all of these guys who have invested in whenever I got your book from Steve was whenever I became a father. And he said, Zach, I want you to read this and I want you to do this with your kids. And whenever I read it, it was like, I have known all of this.

Speaker 1: 18:41

And I thought that it was true. I was like, man, like these kids really respond well, whenever I pat them on the shoulder, like, man, it is, it's really important for me to be aware of how I look when I see them for the first time. Yeah. But then whenever I picked up this book, I was like, oh my gosh. Like everything is right here.

Speaker 1: 19:00

I was like, well, this guy's onto something. He's a doctor, he's a, you know, all of this stuff. I was like, oh my gosh. It's I just think it's true.

Speaker 2: 19:10

I just think what it was, it was like you. You realize the reality, you know, God's love breaks through. Okay? And what the blessing does now we're not talking about, you know, there's a priestly blessing in scripture, you know, like Aaron, you know, may the Lord bless you. You heard at the end of church services, you know, that kind of a deal.

Speaker 2: 19:30

But then there was a blessing that dads gave to their sons, that moms gave to their daughters, you know, and and you'd give to every kid. Genesis 49, 4849, Jacob has 12 sons and one daughter. They all get a blessing. So you so, you know, remember Jacob and Esau, and one of them doesn't get the blessing and one of them does. It's just a that that was that this family.

Speaker 2: 19:54

So what we're talking about, now it's called Zach. I'm a you know, my doctorates in counseling, and I teach clinical counseling. Okay. Well, today, they don't call it the blessing. They call it attachment theory.

Speaker 2: 20:08

You know? And boy, if you're gonna bond with people, then you need to be attached to them. Okay. Well, how do you do that? You know, but that's that's the thing.

Speaker 2: 20:17

It was like, well, okay. Great. But how do you do that? Well, you go to scripture and you see, bang, there it is. All I was doing was just throwing out what I was seeing in the lives of people in scripture that were blessing other.

Speaker 2: 20:31

Jesus put them in his arms and bless them. Okay? There's this deep sense in that, you know, these 5 things we'll talk about. Man, you should get a little bit of a head nod when you realize, okay, that's how you build attachment. You know, with your own family first, but then with others that need it as well.

Speaker 1: 20:52

Yeah. So why don't we get into those 5 things? So

Speaker 2: 20:55

That'd be great.

Speaker 1: 20:57

So the first one we have kinda touched on, but it's a meaningful touch. Yeah. And so can you just kinda speak about that?

Speaker 2: 21:06

Well, you know, a couple things. Number 1 was I mentioned my mom was world class at at blessing us. Okay? But she was a rheumatoid arthritic. Have you ever seen their hands?

Speaker 2: 21:16

How bad that you know, she got so bad. Finally, she was medically retired. So she she couldn't actually hug us because it would hurt her arms, but it's how she looked at it. So it's interesting, you know, it it says in scriptures, in the presence of the Lord is fullness of joy. But what it literally says in Hebrew is in the presence of the Lord, it says in your eyes, Lord, is fullness of joy.

Speaker 2: 21:40

And when you look at somebody now we have a good friend that's a neurobiologist named Jim Wilder. You ought to sometime talk to him. Oh, you know Jim? Okay.

Speaker 1: 21:49

Yeah. He, Jim was on our podcast.

Speaker 2: 21:52

Oh, great. Okay.

Speaker 1: 21:53

Oh, man. I I love his stuff. He's so good.

Speaker 2: 21:56

Yeah. And and, you know, the other half of church and what do you but one of the things that he talks about is love moves at the speed of joy. And the way you do the way joy is is how you describe that 80 year old. It was how dark you know, when he sees you, his eyes light up. So first of all, bright eyes, it says in Proverbs, makes the heart glad.

Speaker 2: 22:18

So how hard is that? You don't have to be perfect. There were times where my mom came home from work, and she wasn't, you know, like, oh, look who's here. But she did a huge she really worked at the fact that when we walked in the room or she was around us, her eyes lit up. But then there was that appropriate appropriate touch.

Speaker 2: 22:37

So we we talk a lot about appropriate because, again, it's so broken, okay, with this generation of, people. Okay? So that's number 1 is, man, you know, you you pat them on the shoulder. You you the safest place clinically is pat them on the elbow. You know, kind kind of a deal.

Speaker 2: 22:55

But you you know, with you, I'm I'm sure that was part of why that was such a huge attachment moment for you was when that guy just grabs you out of the blue. You know? But that was Doug Barham, this big guy. You know? And he had he had hugged me.

Speaker 2: 23:11

You know, you'd get done with a match or something. And and I was like, oh my gosh. I loved how you said earlier, man. If they don't see it, it's very hard to replicate it, in other words. You know?

Speaker 2: 23:22

So you're modeling for them really how to build relationships. So that's the first one, appropriate, meaningful touch.

Speaker 1: 23:29

Well, John, so I volunteered for, Lake Highlands Yum Life up in Texas.

Speaker 2: 23:36

I used to lead the Thomas Jefferson, Sunlight Club, which is right here. Joel Householder was Yeah. Joel. Back there. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 23:44

Yeah, man. Wow. A small world. I know Joel. So I volunteered for Young Life.

Speaker 1: 23:51

Started whenever I was, 18, and my last Campanter's group was, I think, 31. So I volunteered with them for almost 15 years. But one thing that I loved about them is every summer, we would take our kids to camp. Yeah. And there was one night where we got dressed up in, like, a bunch of camo.

Speaker 2: 24:07

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 24:08

And they instructed you to put, to put different kinds of, like, camo paint on your kids' faces. And they said, you put the, you put the face paint on their face because some of these kids have never been touched in a way that is kind and that is appropriate and that is meaningful. And I thought that was the craziest thing whenever I was 18, you know, whenever I was 19, whenever I was 20. But now it makes sense. I was like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 24:40

Like Yeah. Here's a way for me to physically show these kids that I care about them. And so It is. It's a big deal.

Speaker 2: 24:48

Think how many times Jesus reached out and touched lepers, reached out and who touched me, you know, with that lady, you know, that was, hemorrhaging that reaches out. And there so that's number 1, man. You know, appropriate, but but with your eyes, you just start there. Just start brightening your go to when you when you go get coffee in the morning and the person hands it to you, hold the cup just for a second. Okay?

Speaker 2: 25:12

They're gonna hold out the cup. Right? So if you hold it there, they'll look at you. This is what I'm getting at. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2: 25:19

And just say, hey. Thanks. And look at them and brighten your eyes. It's amazing when somebody, you know, so many of us are hurting in so many ways. And there were somebody actually looks at you like you're valuable, then there it's amazing what can happen.

Speaker 2: 25:35

Okay.

Speaker 1: 25:36

Yeah. Okay. The second one, a spoken message.

Speaker 2: 25:40

Yeah. And that's just you know, again, it could be written. It could be a text. But I'll tell you a quick story. So, you know, again, my grandfather now, my grandparents came and lived with us just before my mom ended up going to the hospital.

Speaker 2: 25:56

They were trying to, you know, figure out what are they gonna do to the kids and what's going on. And so he comes and lives there. He's an old Texan. He was a carpenter. He had lost this digit.

Speaker 2: 26:08

His his brother had lost his left hand. We used to love to play with uncle Fred's stub, you know, as a guy. And, so they'll car all the old carpenters had lost something, you know. But he had swats with everything and, you know, rules and and and today, that's, you know, totally controversial. There was no discussion in my home.

Speaker 2: 26:28

It wasn't a controversy. But we had to be home before the street lights were on. Okay. And he would sit in the front window, kitchen window, looked out or like a bay window, and the street light was in our yard. So there was no fudge factor.

Speaker 2: 26:43

If we didn't have the bicycles in the driveway by the time that light went on, then that was a 2 swath of fence. Okay? So I go in and I would always go first because I hate to delay punishment. Okay? But my twin brother, the smart one, you know, he I never knew this until years later.

Speaker 2: 27:02

He would stuff it. He well, I was in there getting my swats. He would stuff rags in his pants. Okay? So Jeff never I cried every time.

Speaker 2: 27:11

Jeff never cried. I thought you are so tough. You were my hero. How can you you're you're so he just was smarter than me. Okay?

Speaker 2: 27:20

But anyway, my grandmother then goes, go get your grandfather because you couldn't call him papa or pipa. I mean, my grandfather name is Bubba. I don't know how, but they call me Bubba. But, but what I'm getting at is is you had to call my grandfather grandfather sir. And I knew he kinda loved me, kind of, you know, I think.

Speaker 2: 27:39

But, you know, he you know, my grandmother goes, go get him. And we had to knock on his door. He couldn't just barge in. So I went to knock on the door, but it was open. So I push open the door, and he's sitting on the bed crying.

Speaker 2: 27:54

Now I have never seen my grandfather cry. When uncle Fred, his brother died, that was the first funeral I ever went to. He didn't cry. You know, he was just this tough old carpenter guy, you know. And, he sees me and he beckons me to come over, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 28:13

This is probably a 60 SWAT offense, you know. Oh my god. You catch him crying, you know. And he he wraps me in his arms, tells me how much he loves me, how hard it is to discipline us, and how he wants us to grow up to be fine young men. And I'm crying.

Speaker 2: 28:28

He's crying. It was I can't even describe to you how hearing now 2 months later, we he stands up at the at the we had a kind of a small kitchen table thing. We're eating dinner, and he stands up, has a cerebral aneurysm, and is gone. He's with the Lord before he hits the ground. So but I got to hear it even once.

Speaker 2: 28:51

What I'm getting at is there's such a deep longing we have to hear it. I mean, I can remember what my grandfather said. I can remember the cardigan sweater you wore, red. Everybody back then wore cardigan sweaters, you know. And, but it's it's so important.

Speaker 2: 29:08

I mean, who is who is somebody for you? You mentioned 5 of those mentors. They were saying things about you that maybe you didn't quite believe at the time. See what I mean? But it was really helping you.

Speaker 2: 29:19

Right?

Speaker 1: 29:21

Well, John, like, this is what's so crazy. I mean, I'm I'm about to turn let's see here about to turn, I think I'm going to turn 42 years old.

Speaker 2: 29:32

That's really old. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:34

Thank you. Thank you very much. And I've done all the counseling. I've I have all the books. I mean, I feel like I have done as much work in regards to facing my past, overcoming, growing up without a father, dealing with all this stuff.

Speaker 1: 29:49

And I still need a ridiculous amount of encouragement.

Speaker 2: 29:54

Sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 29:55

And I still there's lies in my head. Zach, you're not smart. Zach, you're a bad husband. I mean, I have this thing. Hold on one second.

Speaker 1: 30:06

Yeah. I have this in my office, and it's pictures of things that I say over myself. Right. And why I have to say these because I don't believe it. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:19

So here's one. Yeah. I can do what the Lord has has called me to do. I have to say that over myself because I don't believe it. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 30:29

But thank God that he's put men in my life to say these things to me because I need to be reminded because, man, those lies from Satan come hard. So

Speaker 2: 30:41

Oh my gosh. And and, you know, that's part of how you reserve re reverse the curse. You know, nowadays, you know, they call it neuroplasticity, you know, which is you get you're building now growing up, I had a lot of negative, path neural pathways, you know, because I was getting rewarded for anger. You know, again, in in certain sports, you can you can take out a lot of frustration, and, and but then the problem is your career ends, you know, and now you're just carrying all that area that anger into relationships. But boy, when people start speaking to you, hey, you can, you know, do this.

Speaker 2: 31:22

You are this is who you are. I see this in you. I see this gift God's put in you. You know? And, it doesn't mean Satan doesn't, you know, continually go back to those things.

Speaker 2: 31:35

Okay? Memories bring back feelings. Feelings bring back more memories. You know? And so sometimes I'll go right back to where I've hurt somebody or done something and go, what do you what do you what a mess.

Speaker 2: 31:48

You think, why why should we be doing this, you know. But that's where you say, okay. Spoken words. So say it. During COVID, we had this lady who her dad, you know, had never said she loves you.

Speaker 2: 32:03

It never blessed her. Well, it was COVID. Her dad was in a nursing home, and she was thinking, you know, back then, remember, that was not a good thing. There were people who were dying like flies in nursing homes, and her dad wasn't in good health. So she arranged, and she sent a picture.

Speaker 2: 32:22

It's such a cool picture. They let her sits about 8 feet away from outside on this piece of grass. So she he's in a folding chair. She's in a folding chair, and she's got a 2 PH piece of paper, and she's reading him her blessing. She's speaking the blessing over her dad.

Speaker 2: 32:39

Okay? And, and then when when she finishes, even though the nurses all freaked out, you know, he gets up and runs over to her and hugs her and tells her for the first time ever that he loved her. And it's not just saying, you know, again, part of spoken words is the third one. Not to jump ahead, but but use your words. You know?

Speaker 2: 33:01

They're so important. And then what do you say? Will you say the third thing is you say words that attach high value. Okay? Because that's what those guys were saying to you.

Speaker 2: 33:12

And gals, too. I know for me, again, it was my mom that was saying things that were really important, and I'm so grateful for her. So if you're mentoring women, praise god. You know, you need to speak into their life, you know. You know, so the but the but the the spoken words leads into words that attach high value, and that's really important as well.

Speaker 1: 33:37

And so I have a group that I meet with every Friday, and, you know, it's like a group of 6 or 7 people, and there's one of my friends is, I mean, she was fantastic. She's super encouraging. And she said this the other day, she said, Zach, do you know why people truly love you? And I was like, no, what? And she goes, you make everyone feel so special.

Speaker 2: 34:10

Oh, gosh. That's

Speaker 1: 34:11

awesome. And, man, I, like, I didn't know how much I needed that. Like, I have thought about what she said to me over and over and over for the past month? Because

Speaker 2: 34:24

See the

Speaker 1: 34:25

it's a big deal.

Speaker 2: 34:26

It is. So the power of her speaking those words that attached high value to you because it's true and because we don't see it, you know. Now you're right. I mean, you know, a blind dog could could pick up that bone, you know, that you're a great encourager and and you just communicated it. And and part of it is through brokenness, You know?

Speaker 2: 34:51

You know, Chuck Swindoll was a great or still is, you know, and we got to see him in a year and a half or so. But, was I I don't know if you'd call him a mentor, but he's been our super close friend over the years. And he's the, you know, the pastor. He's written a ton of books. Great guy.

Speaker 2: 35:10

But you talk about humble and relational and not impressed with anything, you know. And there you you need people in your life that, out of the blue, say something to you that makes you just stay in the battle or keep going or realize something in yourself that God has put there that, you you know, okay. Great. But is it really worth anything? You know?

Speaker 2: 35:37

And and what that does with, okay, appropriate touch, even if it's just bright eyes. Okay? You know? And then your words that help somebody sees how valuable they are. The 4th one is a is special future.

Speaker 2: 35:52

Oh my gosh, Zach. Kids today and I'm talking, you know, Gen z, you know, down. They're they've been grown up. They've been told there is no future. You know, with climate change, with everything else, the world's just you know, you're you're not gonna have a future.

Speaker 2: 36:09

And, and yet, it is the lord that says, man, you know, I am here to bring you a future and a hope. And when you can help somebody see that they have a special future, you know, like you, it unleashes you. When she told you that attached high value, what did that say to you about your future? You know what I mean? About what you were doing?

Speaker 2: 36:32

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 36:33

And so I am where I am today because I had a mentor say, Zach, you're a father to the fatherless.

Speaker 2: 36:42

There you go.

Speaker 1: 36:43

Zach, you are going to become what you did never have, and your children are going to, receive what you never received. Yeah. And that conversation couldn't have lasted more than just a couple of minutes, But that has radically transformed not only my life, but generations. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 37:02

So it's a big

Speaker 2: 37:04

deal. It's a

Speaker 1: 37:06

big deal. It's huge.

Speaker 2: 37:07

So you take touch and spoken words. They begin to help you see some things God's put in your life. Because because, you know, first Corinthians 12, we all have gifts and abilities and strengths that God has given us. But we don't you know, again, you're you're to use them to help other people, not just build up yourself. You know, it was always to build up the body.

Speaker 2: 37:30

And so, and guess what? You have a special future. You can, you know, you you don't have to, you know, repeat all the hurt. You know, you can reverse the curse. The lord your god turn the curse into a blessing for you because the lord your god loves you.

Speaker 2: 37:46

And all of that wraps up and pulls together with something called genuine commitment. Okay? So, let me give you a quick, can I give it do we I don't know how we're doing time wise? Can I give you a quick example? Okay.

Speaker 1: 37:59

Yes. Of course.

Speaker 2: 38:00

So I'll give you a clinical study and then a personal, story real quick. So, University of Virginia, UVA, you ever been to UVA? If you go to the campus at UVA, there's what's called a a a high hill. Looks like a little mountain, but it's not a mountain, but it looks like a, you know, it's it's a big high hill. So there's a guy named Prophet.

Speaker 2: 38:22

He's a, neurologist that's studying cognitive reasoning. Okay? So it's not a not a relationship study. It's it's, what they would do is they'd grab kids walking by there, and they were by themself. And they'd say, hey.

Speaker 2: 38:40

You wanna be in a clinical study? Here's a pass. You we gotta wire you up, and I wanna do this thing with you. But, you'll miss class. You get a free who doesn't wanna miss class in college?

Speaker 2: 38:50

Right? So they they would stand there. They put diodes on them. They'd wire them all up, and then they projected. Okay.

Speaker 2: 38:57

They were saying, what's going on neurologically as you look at this hill? How high is it and how hard is it to climb? Okay. K. All the kids that were by themself overshot way overshot.

Speaker 2: 39:12

They thought the hill was higher, and they thought it would be harder to climb. Now watch this. Now they're looking for pairs. Okay? Now it could be 2 roommates, could be, you know, 2 just good friends or hanging out, somebody dating.

Speaker 2: 39:27

Doesn't matter. But they'd say, hey. Are you guys pretty close? Yeah. We're roommates.

Speaker 2: 39:31

Oh, but I mean, are you pretty oh, yeah. We're we're we're tight, you know. Okay. Well, stand here. They would wire up one of them.

Speaker 2: 39:38

Watch what they would do. They would take the the other one would take his hand and put it up on his shoulder. They were both put they both put on I forgot to tell you this. They put put on him £65 backpacks. So you're going up the hill with this heavy weight.

Speaker 2: 39:52

Okay? But there's somebody next to you with his hand on your shoulder that's going up the hill with you. And every one of them, the hill shrank. And that's been replicated well, when those when that first guy and then the other 4 guys that have mentored you, put their hand on your shoulder and said, Zach, I'm going up the hill with you. I know you've got you're carrying some weights, you know, your dad bailed out, you know, all this other stuff.

Speaker 2: 40:21

But, man, I'm going up the hill with you. That's genuine commitment. Okay? And, and and just to kind of wrap that, the night that I came to know Christ, so I'm a senior in high school. I've been going to Young Life.

Speaker 2: 40:36

I've heard the gospel, but what I, you know, I I hadn't really I knew I was gonna I'd have to quit drinking. It was all morals for me. With Jeff, it was intellectual. You know, is the Bible true, all this other stuff. With me, it was like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 2: 40:51

I'm gonna have to, I can't, you know, go and get drunk every weekend, and I gotta break up with my girlfriend because things were really bad in my life. And so I thought, well, that's what kept me. Okay. Hold it up. So we he tricks us into going to a Billy Graham movie.

Speaker 2: 41:06

And and don't send me emails. I love Billy Graham. I had a chance to meet him, 2 or 3 to 3 times. And, first time I ever met Billy Graham, he sticks out his hand. Hi.

Speaker 2: 41:13

I'm Billy Graham. Oh, really? I didn't know. First time I ever met Billy Graham, he sticks out his hand. Hi.

Speaker 2: 41:17

I'm Billy Graham. Oh, really? I didn't know you're Billy Graham. So humble, great guy. So don't send me emails.

Speaker 2: 41:23

But it was a horrible movie. Okay? This lady got sick. It was one of the early Christian movies and they just weren't as good as they are today, you know? And this lady gets sick and she dies, and you're supposed to be sad.

Speaker 2: 41:34

And I thought she deserved it. And so I didn't like the movie. But at the end of the movie, this guy stands up at the front, and I'd never, you know, heard the invitation thing. You know? And he and he goes, do any of you wanna change the pictures of your life story?

Speaker 2: 41:49

And so 6 out of the 7 of us walked it was all football guys that he had to and all of us 6 of us walked down, including my twin brother and I, and gave our lives to Christ. And that night, he hands me a little Gideon Bible. Remember they used to hand those out at school, those small ones, you know? And so he had had a verse there for each one of us. He didn't he he had already done the training and he was, you know, whatever, you know, in the front, you know, deal.

Speaker 2: 42:18

So we walked down there and he hands each of us a bible and he's got a verse for each of us. Well, here's real quick the bible first. Hebrews 135. For he himself have said, that's Jesus. For he himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Speaker 2: 42:35

And he goes, John, I want you to go home and I want you to read that, you know, a 100 times. Okay? And I'm thinking, okay. You know, fine. So I go home.

Speaker 2: 42:44

I get out a piece of paper and we've got the bible thing. He's got it marked, you know, with on the, the page. So I go for he himself has said, and I do 1. For he himself has said, I'll never leave you at 2. For he himself, you know, I get to about 60 and I'm weeping.

Speaker 2: 43:01

Now he had meant it metaphorically. He goes he meant, go home and read it a lot. Okay? I thought he was literal. Okay?

Speaker 2: 43:09

I thought I had to read it a 100 times. I get to about 60 and all of a sudden I realized, oh my gosh. I have this I have a relationship with this Jesus guy and he's not going anywhere. And that's the same thing that's true with your mentors. Now they're imperfect just like you.

Speaker 2: 43:24

They're broken. Doug Barham wasn't perfect, but, I mean, he still loves me. I mean, 80 plus years old, and he's still, amazingly so I hope people get that idea. Man, as a mentor with your touch, with your words, you can help attach high value that help people That helps them begin. They maybe they do have a future, and then you stay with them as God gives you the strength and ability.

Speaker 2: 43:55

And you don't have to be perfect, but you're going up the hill with them.

Speaker 1: 43:59

And I think what's so important is us as mentors. You know, yes, we want to build that attachment with them. We want to show up. We hope to say those words and really like, but we can also put in them, Hey, Even if I'm not with you for the rest of your life. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 44:17

This is important.

Speaker 2: 44:18

Right.

Speaker 1: 44:19

And surround yourself with other mentors. You get to show them, hey, find a couple buddies who can help encourage you in this. But more than anything, John, point them to Jesus. Yeah. Because you might have a mentor who stays with, you know, my mentor has been with me for over 20 years, but there will be a day when he's not with me anymore.

Speaker 2: 44:41

Right.

Speaker 1: 44:41

And I have a bunch of friends, they're great, but there will be a day when they're not with me. But if we can mentor in the name of Jesus and point them to our savior who will never leave them, that is our main aim. So

Speaker 2: 44:54

Well, it is. And what's interesting is is they replicated that UVA study at the University of Plymouth in England, except here's what they did. So they put a £65 pack on you. You're all wired up. You're looking up.

Speaker 2: 45:07

And they'd go, think back in your life. Who is somebody that if they could, they could be, you know, gone or it could be the Lord, you know. But think about somebody who's going up the hill with you, and the hills she'll still shrink. So and that's really what it is is but, man, when you realize Jesus is not going anywhere, you know, you're not perfect, you know, but, man, he's got your his head on your shoulder. And you're right.

Speaker 2: 45:35

I mean, I I I see, you know, I there I went 30 years without ever seeing Doug is what I'm getting at before we hooked up again, he came to Arizona, met with a bunch of us. And in the meantime, there's other people that have kinda stepped in. But the wolf loves lone sheep, and you know that. I mean, you know, it's people that get isolated. And so if you end up moving because you're working probably with some college because you're there in Waco.

Speaker 2: 46:02

And if you're working with younger people, they're gonna get they're gonna be moving. You know what I mean? They're in the midst of their careers and schools and everything else. But they'll never forget, Zach, the way you look at them and the way you encourage them. And and, that's why you're gonna hear some amazing things.

Speaker 2: 46:21

I had dinner Thursday night, or I'm sorry. Wednesday night, which was just a little bit ago. I know when I know this is gonna air, but not to date it. But just a couple days ago, I'm I'm, I go to dinner and it's with one of my young life guys that came to know Christ when I was at TJ at Frontier Ranch, which is the young life camp. You know?

Speaker 2: 46:46

And he and his wife just happened to be in town, and I haven't seen him in 25 years, and we got to go out to dinner with somebody. And he's still again, you know, so you're right. Pour into their life. And if God lose them, you're still gonna be helping the one that helped point them to Jesus, you know, who will always be there. And he's still going on with the Lord and really exciting.

Speaker 2: 47:09

So that that's what's ahead of you is when you get old because 42 isn't old. Okay? But when you get old and look back, and with your own kids, man, it starts there. You know? Start at home and then, bless them like crazy, but you're gonna really, you know and you're not doing that out of, boy, doesn't this, you know, help me?

Speaker 2: 47:35

But it's interesting, you know, the Lord in the upper room discourse, you know, where he's talking to the disciples just before, the crucifixion. You know? He goes, if you do this, you will be blessed. Isn't that interesting? And so there is a sense when you mentor somebody, you're gonna get a lot out of it.

Speaker 2: 47:57

I mean and that's okay. Some of us go, oh, well, I shouldn't I shouldn't be great. I mean, that was so awesome. The guy's name is Sparky that's, you know, or or that was his high school name. You know, his last name is Sparks.

Speaker 2: 48:08

But so I'm sitting down with Sparky, and, he was saying some things that I didn't even remember. Okay? And and, but but boy, oh, boy. It just you're you know, to him, it was so meaningful. And I didn't wanna say, I don't even remember that.

Speaker 2: 48:30

But but it was something I said that just you know, do you see what I mean? The word used. So don't, you know, just just keep doing what you're doing out there, mentors. And, you may not have realized it, but, man, if we could hand you well, first of all, I'm gonna hand Zach this, coin as the, you know, key, blessing champion, for 2025. You know?

Speaker 2: 48:55

I mean, he's, 2024, 2025. So you're doing a great job of coaching these folks, encouraging them. But, man, every one of them, you know, that's what they're doing. They're adding a coin to people's lives, treating them valuable, pointing them toward Jesus, and that's pretty awesome.

Speaker 1: 49:14

Thanks, John, man. Oh, man. All of this is so good. Okay, John. So, we've talked about appropriate and meaningful touch, spoken and written words, attaching high value, giving them a special future and a genuine commitment.

Speaker 1: 49:32

I'm so excited to add all of these tools and tips into all of our mentors tool belt. So thank you so much for hopping on the podcast today, John. If people would, care to learn more about you, then why don't you tell us how to do that?

Speaker 2: 49:47

Well, here's a real, cool way to do it is, I don't know. It's been about about a year ago, but about a year ago, I was, and and I'm all for fish tacos. Okay? I love fish tacos. They're great.

Speaker 2: 50:00

Okay? But it was National Fish Taco Day. And I thought, oh my gosh. If it could be National Fish Taco Day, we ought to have a National Blessing Day. So I ended up talking with a friend of mine, Joe Pellegrino, was a men's ministry in Florida, worked with a lot of prisoners and broken people, and they need the vwasi.

Speaker 2: 50:23

And so we'd we'd launch this year if you go to nationalblessingday.com.nationalblessingday.com. This Sunday, November, 24th, which is it's always gonna be the Sunday before Thanksgiving. So if you miss it this year, next year. But but but if you go to National Blessing Day, it'll tell you how do you bless, why it's so important. And we don't care if you do it on November 24th.

Speaker 2: 50:53

Okay? That's National Blessing Day, but it's to bring awareness that, man, oh, man, we need to be doing this. So strongfamilies.com is our ministry, and we talk about the blessing there, a lot. And then you'll be able to get get courses or get a book or whatever. But go to the national blessing day.com and, sign up and and that, you know, that would be a great encouragement over the holidays to build out a blessing.

Speaker 2: 51:21

And then with your family, but also with that person you're mentoring, you're gonna sit down with them and give them a blessing, and it shows you how to do that.

Speaker 1: 51:29

Awesome, John. Well, thank you so much for your time and all of your wisdom and all of your experiences and and stories, man. I've had an awesome time talking to you, John. Alright. Thank you very much.

Speaker 2: 51:40

Great meeting with you. Awesome. And thank you for your patience in setting this up.

Speaker 1: 51:44

Yeah. Yeah. Of course. And for all of you people who are tuning in, remember this, you can mentor. Thanks for tuning in to the You Can Mentor podcast.

Speaker 1: 51:54

Give us that 5 star rating and share this podcast with your mentoring friends. Learn more at you canmentor.com. Thank you.