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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter nine, forgiveness. The most important part of my healing journey involved driving 200 miles to meet my father so I could forgive him face to face. This was especially difficult because I hadn't seen him in a long time, and I didn't know how each of us would respond to the exposure of our past. I didn't necessarily want to meet with my father, but my mentor, Steve, wouldn't let me go around the obstacle standing in the middle of the path on my way to healing. The only way around is through.
Speaker 1:As I held my cell phone in my hand, pacing back and forth in the front yard for what seemed like hours, I finally got the courage up to call my father. This monumental conversation went something like this. Hey, dad. I'll be in San Antonio for work. Could we have lunch?
Speaker 1:Sure. Just tell me when and where, and I'll be there. Sounds good. I'll text you when I figure it out. The whole conversation couldn't have lasted more than ninety seconds.
Speaker 1:It was anticlimactic, to say the least. As the day drew nearer, I couldn't help but get more and more anxious. The day of the meeting, while on the road, I found myself panicking at the thought of what I was about to do. The only thing that kept me from bailing on the mission was my mentor, Steve, who kept encouraging me to do the hard thing. You know what to do, Zach.
Speaker 1:Do the right thing. I believe in you. I'll be praying for you. You can do this. The Lord tells us to honor our mother and father.
Speaker 1:You're doing that. He will bless you. As I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant that afternoon, I sat in my car for a while just praying and asking God to help this thing go well. It felt like I was walking into a battle for my freedom. As I walked into the restaurant, I saw my father, and we made small talk as we waited in line for our food.
Speaker 1:As soon as we got our food and sat down at the table, my dad said, so what did you want to meet about? This was my moment. I decided to go for it. Well, dad, I kinda wanna know everything. I wanna know about your childhood and your marriage to mom.
Speaker 1:I wanna know why you left. I wanna hear it from you. My father, a fireman by trade who grew up in inner city Chicago in the nineteen fifties, has never been one to share his emotions. But for some reason, he showed me a side of him that I had never seen and have never seen since. He opened up and told me everything.
Speaker 1:I consider that alone a true miracle. He shared about his own chaotic childhood and how no one ever taught him how to be a husband or a father. He talked about the mistakes he made and just how difficult things were between him and my mother. He talked about how our lack of relationship hurt him, but how he understands why I would feel the way I do. As I sat in that restaurant that day staring at my father as he lay his heart on the table, something inside of me changed.
Speaker 1:I went from seeing my father as this jerk who intentionally hurt me and my family to seeing him as a boy who was never taught how to be a man. The Lord removed the scales from my eyes and caused me to see my father for what he was, a broken man, doing the best he could with the tools he has been given. He helped me replace anger with compassion and bitterness with forgiveness. I truly meant it when I looked him in the eyes and told him, I forgive you for all that has happened. Everything changed that day, and it all had to do with my heart.
Speaker 1:We know we need to forgive our father and others who hurt us, but we may not realize how often we'll need to forgive. When we are confronted with yet another boundary crossed, we endure being disappointed yet again or hear another insensitive comment that catches us at a vulnerable time. It starts the forgiveness process all over again. In some ways, this helps build the muscle, and it gets easier. Other times, it can send us spiraling.
Speaker 1:We ask ourselves, why do I have to deal with it over again after I've already dealt with it in my past? Did my forgiveness not take the first time? What's wrong with me? We're told to leave our hurt and bitterness at the foot of the cross so that we can forgive more easily. Okay.
Speaker 1:Great. I get it. Where is the foot of the cross? Is this all an imaginary exercise? Is there a tangible thing I can do to confirm forgiveness has really happened?
Speaker 1:We pray for reconciliation and restoration, but we shouldn't be surprised when actions, words, and behaviors trigger an understanding that we have more healing to do. Sometimes offenses confirm what we've always felt to be true. Sometimes people don't change. This doesn't mean we haven't forgiven correctly, but that we need to set healthy boundaries and have realistic expectations. When I forgave my father for the negative impact his actions had on my life, somewhere in the back of my mind, I was expecting him to be repentant and remorseful.
Speaker 1:I pictured him getting down on his knees and with tears in his eyes saying, son, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. That did not happen, and his subdued reaction to my offer of forgiveness produced anger and confusion that was hard to handle. I did the hard part of building up the courage and preparing my heart to forgive, but now I have to deal with this as well? It didn't seem fair to me.
Speaker 1:How do we prepare for a lifetime of forgiving, especially when it seems we're the only ones doing the hard work? Forgiveness is not a free pass to allow unhealthy people to continue to hurt you. Forgiveness is freeing your heart from bitterness and anger. It is not forgetting what happened. It is refusing to be bitter over what happened.
Speaker 1:Forgiveness is not a onetime event, but a way of living. Forgiveness is not a moment. It's a posture. To consistently choose to forgive those who hurt you on a consistent basis is one of the more difficult things in life. And why does it seem those closest to you hurt you the most often?
Speaker 1:Put simply, they have the most access. Those who are positioned to love you the most are also simultaneously positioned to possibly hurt you the most. I love my wife, and she's the most important person in my life, but I am fairly confident that I am the one who hurts her the most. We forgive each other multiple times a day when we hurt each other's feelings. It's necessary maintenance in order to have a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1:Jesus says in Matthew eighteen twenty one and twenty two, then Peter came to him and said, Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times? Jesus said to him, I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to 70 times seven. In other words, we always forgive. We forgive because God forgives us.
Speaker 1:It's a choice we make. The chapter goes on to describe the dire consequences of our refusing to forgive. So how do we forgive? And how often should we forgive? Here are some practical guideposts that have helped me on my journey.
Speaker 1:Abide. Forgiveness separates our God from all the other gods of the various religions. Our God requires no sacrifice to forgive us of our sins because he gave his son, Jesus, as the final sacrifice. His love is not contingent upon our actions but is unconditional. Our God is a forgiving God, and Jesus gives us an example of how to emulate Him.
Speaker 1:We live a lifestyle of forgiveness by living a lifestyle of abiding in God. We do this by daily being with the Father through intimate times of prayer, scripture reading, and being in His presence. John five nineteen says, Jesus gave them the answer. Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by himself. He can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does, the Son also does.
Speaker 1:In Matthew four nineteen, Jesus instructs, Come and follow Me. In John eight, He tells us to abide in His word, and if anyone keeps my word, he will never taste death. John 15 expounds further on the importance of abiding in Jesus. We must continually be filled with the Holy Spirit and submit our thoughts and actions to Him. To walk in the Spirit is to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit, and that is something I always want to do.
Speaker 1:When I forget to abide, it's easy to operate from my flesh instead of walking in the spirit. When my being with the Lord is neglected, it takes me a little longer to repent when I mess up and forgive others. How do you abide? For me, it starts with staying intentional in my relationship with God and spending time with him. Whether it is early in the morning, on your lunch break, or whenever you have a spare moment, spend time with God.
Speaker 1:I also encourage a few spiritual disciplines, such as reading my Bible, praying, and worshiping him through word and song. It means giving thanks often, living in peace with those around me, and loving my God and my neighbor to the best of my ability. It helps to reject things that cause me to be cynical and negative and to embrace those things that help me stay positive and joyful. All these practices help me to abide with God, which helps me live a life of forgiveness. Pave the way.
Speaker 1:It makes absolutely no sense to me, but I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. It has been that way since my parents divorced. I'm sure there is more here that I need to process and uncover as I continue to seek restoration and healing. My father is the one who hurt me, but I have been able to fully forgive him. My mom played the role of mom and dad and did the best she could with me, but for some reason, our relationship has struggled.
Speaker 1:So how do I honor my mother? How do I do the right thing even if I don't want to? Obedience can help pave the way for forgiveness. Out of obedience, I call my mom once a week. I invite her over to the house to spend time with my kids.
Speaker 1:I make sure she is doing well and try my best to take care of her. When I catch myself being a jerk, which I'm sad to admit is often, I apologize. I may not meet all of her expectations, and I am not the best son in the world, but I can do everything I can to honor and respect her. When I was in the process of forgiving my father, I would go to his house every so often. Did I wanna go?
Speaker 1:No. But I went to honor him because I felt it was what the Lord had for me. I believe the Lord would bless me if I did what he said. Remember, the scripture says, honor your mother and father so that it will go well with you in the land. Exodus twenty twelve.
Speaker 1:It says honor. It doesn't say you have to enjoy it, but I have found the more you honor, the easier it gets to love that person. In the process of honoring and loving my mother, the Lord has grown my compassion for her. I believe I am closer to restoration and freedom today than I was yesterday. God is teaching me patience and to wait for his timing, not mine, even when it doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:If you're having a hard time forgiving your father or find yourself with a hardened heart, ask the Lord what baby steps he wants you to take today. Maybe it's a phone call or a note. Perhaps it's a prayer. Forgiveness is a marathon, not a sprint. Start somewhere.
Speaker 1:Walking in obedience despite what your flesh might feel is a great place to start. Whether we feel like it or not, walking in simple steps of obedience paves the way for forgiveness and tenderheartedness. Find a safe place to process. As long as there is still pain, there is work to be done in the journey of forgiveness. Having a safe place and trusted friends to process the past and current interactions with your father, mother, and family is key to ensuring your heart stays pointed towards Jesus.
Speaker 1:As Ephesians five says, we must take the hurt and pain that resides in the darkness of our hearts and bring it into the light where the Lord can heal it. On the way home from family functions, I am grateful for the safe space my wife provides while I vent and process my feelings. I'm not looking for her to be my therapist or counselor, but I view it as confessing the true state of my heart as she helps me take it to the Lord. If I hold it all in, it stays in the darkness and becomes a poison that destroys me from the inside out. There was a time in my life when I vehemently opposed to sharing my feelings or going to counseling because I thought it made me look weak and that it wasn't what a real man should do.
Speaker 1:Out of fear, I tried to control the situation and prove to everyone I was stronger than whatever life tossed at me. It didn't work. In some cases, this approach only made things worse. Admitting that I needed help and accepting guidance from a professional was a humbling experience that also helped me make progress in my journey of forgiveness. It may just do the same for you, especially in complex situations that are beyond the scope of a friend or mentor.
Speaker 1:Give grace. Grace is the undeserved favor of God, his gift to us which keeps on giving. God lavishes grace upon us day after day even though we do not deserve it. As the Lord gives us grace, so should we give grace to those who hurt us. One prayer that helped me give grace to my father was, Lord, give me eyes to see my father, how you see him.
Speaker 1:Please give me the grace to love him just as he is, not as he should be. The Lord answered my prayer. I went from holding offense and being bitter to giving grace and forgiveness. Our fathers are not perfect. No one is.
Speaker 1:Even the best of fathers mess up from time to time. To have healthy relationships of any kind, we need to cast off a fence and replace it with grace. How can you give grace to your father today? Repeat the process. That's right.
Speaker 1:When through with all these steps, go back to step one and start again. If offense and pain are a cycle, forgiveness is too. Whenever disappointments of any traumatic childhood are stirred up, it usually sets me back for a few days. If new hurts and disappointments arise, it can set me back even longer. So what do I do to get back on track?
Speaker 1:I repeat the process. No matter how much I don't want to, I invite the Holy Spirit into the process and ask him to help me deal with my heart. I pray for myself and for my heart, trusting that what James five sixteen says is true. The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective. I read Psalm thirteen one and two and pray, how long, Lord, will you forgive me forever?
Speaker 1:How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? It really is okay to tell the Lord how much your heart hurts. He can handle your honesty. He's listening, and he's never shocked that you'd feel anger or frustration or hurt to this degree.
Speaker 1:So tell him. I look to the characters in the Bible who have forgiven others. Saul was trying to kill David, but David still chose to honor Saul. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers. Sent to another country, falsely accused and forgotten in prison, but he never allowed circumstances to cause him to doubt the goodness of God and even had compassion for his brothers who betrayed him.
Speaker 1:Jesus forgave his executioners from the cross. Stephen cried out to the Lord on behalf of the very people who are actively stoning him to death. May these and other examples give you strength to forgive, not seven times, but 77 times seven. I surround myself with positive people who support me in this difficult journey. I call my friends and ask them to pray for me, putting into action Matthew eighteen twenty, which says, for where two or three are gathered together in my name, there I am in the midst of them.
Speaker 1:These people should nudge you towards forgiveness rather than taking sides and becoming bitter on your behalf toward the offender. I enter his gates with thanksgiving and praise, as Psalm 100 instructs, which helps me fixate on things in my life that are worthy of praise. What in your life is worthy of praise? What helps you smile or even laugh? What brings you peace?
Speaker 1:When hurt is all we see, it takes a conscious effort to change our perspective to see these things. And when we choose to change our perspective, we can more easily and confidently confront our hearts and move towards forgiveness. Perhaps you don't have contact with your father, or he has passed away. Maybe the person who hurt you isn't safe to be around. If this is the case, there are still things you can do to forgive without seeing them face to face.
Speaker 1:I've known some people who have forgiven by writing their thoughts and feelings out. This helped them process the painful feelings and events. Others made progress just by verbally processing their heart with a friend, pastor, or counselor. The gold is found in the process, not necessarily the end result of an action or a positive response from the person who hurt you. Living a lifestyle of forgiveness is not for the faint of heart.
Speaker 1:It takes maturity to give grace, to have patience to trust God for a breakthrough in His timing, and to forgive those who hurt you repeatedly. Timing is especially important as there is a good time and a bad time to start such a process of forgiveness. Forgiving your father requires an intense amount of emotional energy, so survey your life and see if you have the capacity to handle such a task at this point in your life. This is tricky because you can also use this as an excuse to never go through with forgiveness. The longer you wait, the longer you'll be in bondage.
Speaker 1:Look at what you have coming up in life and see if you have the energy to devote what is required to be set free. Because forgiveness is a hard and delicate task, it is wise to have someone who can help you through the process. Find someone who you trust and who is wise enough to give you sound advice. We could all use a little help from time to time, especially when we are facing a giant this big. My mentor, Steve, helped me create a plan to speak to my father.
Speaker 1:He gave me tangible steps to complete and encouraged me when things got hard. He not only focused on my actions, but on my heart as well. This is a great place to start the journey of forgiveness. I had to make some intentional choices when creating a process with my mentor to deal with my relationship with my father. I had to find my father, call him, schedule a time to meet, and drive down to see him.
Speaker 1:If I hadn't been open to doing even one of those things, my efforts could have collapsed. It is important to think about how you're going to go about forgiving your father and make time to make your desire a reality. Be aware that your forgiveness could backfire and not be taken well by your father. Regardless of how they respond, do what you need to do to remove the bitterness and unforgiveness you've had in your heart. If I can look myself in the mirror, look the Lord in the eyes and say, I've done everything I can possibly think of to redeem the situation, then I can be okay with any outcome.
Speaker 1:You cannot control the response of another human being. How they deal with your actions is between them and the Lord. Tell me. Abiding with the Lord is a time for him to fill you up so you can receive what you need to forgive and unconditionally love those who hurt you. What changes do you need to make in your life routine to ensure you are intentionally abiding in God?
Speaker 1:What comes to mind when you hear the phrase forgive your father? Where are you in that process? What are some practical steps you can take? What was your father's childhood like? What was his relationship like with his father?
Speaker 1:What are the lies and fears that he may be operating out of? What would it look like to give grace to your father to truly accept him for who they are and try to offer unconditional love.