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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live, Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time outta your day to spend here with me. Now, if you've been following me and hanging out with me on some of my episodes, you know that I talk a lot about boundaries, and I'm not gonna stop talking about them because they absolutely matter.
Uh, boundaries are foundational to self-trust. They're foundational to healthy relationships. And they're foundational to how you show up in your life. However, [00:01:00] I do wanna clarify something because somewhere along the way, the conversation around boundaries has gotten. Uh, shall I say, a little skewed, right?
Um, and I'm seeing this more and more, whether it be online, but also just hearing it not only in client sessions, but just hearing it back and forth with people. People are setting what they think are boundaries, but what's actually happening underneath is somewhat different. So, you know, what is happening is they, they think that they're setting boundaries, but what's actually happening is more confusion is happening, more distance is happening, and sometimes even more disconnection.
So I wanna just talk about. What a boundary actually is. Before we get into what's getting mixed missed, I wanna talk about what it is. So a boundary is not about controlling someone else. It's not, you can't do that or you need to stop or you have to change. A boundary is if this happens, this is how I will choose to respond.
It's about your behavior, your response, your capacity, and it's something you are actually willing to follow through on. That's what gives it integrity. [00:02:00] That's when we move from a boundary being more of a suggestion into a boundary being, um, you know, an actual, uh, communication around what works and what isn't.
So here is where I, I wanna gently challenge us because not everything. Being labeled a boundary right now is actually a boundary. So I'm gonna walk through a few of the most common ones that I've been hearing or I've been seeing show up. And this is not about blaming or shaming anyone, it's just to help us get clearer.
Calling avoidance a boundary is not a boundary, and this is a big one. You know, I'm setting a boundary. I'm not gonna engage in that. Okay, maybe, but also maybe the conversation matters. Maybe something needs to be said or clarified or addressed. And what's actually happening is, is it, if it feels uncomfortable, um, instead of staying in it, you just immediately step out of it and call it a boundary.
And again, this is, this is no judgment. This is no shame because avoidance is a protective response. Avoidance is trying to [00:03:00] keep you safe, right? But it's not the same thing as a boundary. A boundary would say. I'm willing to engage, but with limits. Avoidance says, I don't wanna feel this at all, so just, I'm, I'm gonna dip.
I'm out. And those two are very different things. Another one that I've been hearing, um, is calling Control A Boundary. And this one may show up as, I need you to stop doing that. You can't talk to me that way. You need to respect my boundary. And so here's the truth on that one. Those are requests, they're preferences, and maybe even valid frustrations that you're trying to voice.
However, those two are not boundaries because they're focused on controlling the other person and what the other person is gonna do. A boundary may sound more like, if this continues, I'm going to step away. Again. Notice the I am controlling my own behavior, not telling the other person what to do. If this happens, I'm not available for the conversation to continue.
Do you hear the difference in those two? You know, one tries to change or control the other person. The other one is grounded and rooted with you. Using [00:04:00] boundaries to avoid vulnerabilities is another big one. And this one, you know, I call it a big one, but it actually can be slightly more subtle because it can sound really grounded.
But underneath it, um, it's, it's more of a protective, um, a protective behavior. So instead of saying That hurt, or, I didn't like how that made me feel. Or this matters to me, it comes out something like I'm setting a boundary and what you're actually doing is, or um, something to that effect. Right? So that's what you're, when you're actually like skipping the vulnerable part because being honest about how you feel.
Actually feels scarier than being more assertive and more direct. So the boundary becomes, we call it a boundary, and we're using it as a shield instead of structure. Another one is swinging from absolutely no boundaries to these walls. These really hard boundaries. Um, if you've spent a lot of your life overgiving or overexplaining, maybe over functioning, overextending, when [00:05:00] you start to hear about learning, when you start to learn about boundaries and you start to say, yes, I'm gonna do this.
Oftentimes we swing from one end of the spectrum, all the way from the other. So you go from, I have zero boundaries to now I have the strongest boundaries ever. And again, this makes sense, right? Your system is trying to recalibrate. But sometimes those really strong boundaries are actually walls that we're putting up.
They become rigid, they shut things down. They don't leave room for any connection or discussion because they're coming from, I don't ever wanna feel this again. Not from, okay, this is what works for me and this doesn't. So if we bring this back to relationships, um. That's why this really matters. Healthy relationships don't require you to constantly monitor yourself.
They don't require you to overexplain and over justify and over defend and over function, and they don't also require you to shut down completely to feel safe. There's space for clarity and honesty, repair, actual conversation and boundaries live inside all of that. They don't live on the outside. So I just want you to notice where in your life are you saying this is a boundary, but underneath it it [00:06:00] may be avoidance, control, protection.
Or reaction. And again, no judgment here. This isn't about judging yourself and criticizing yourself. This is just about bringing some awareness because once you're able to see it and you become aware of it, you can then make changes to shift it and refine it. So instead of ask, asking, you know, how do I set a boundary?
Maybe we start to ask questions like, what am I willing to do if this continues? Um, what is actually within my control here? Uh, am I open to connection or am I trying to shut something down? That's what turns something into a real boundary. We're really getting to what works for me and what doesn't. You don't have to get this perfect.
This isn't something we, this isn't something that we are solid at a hundred percent of the time. This is how we live and we learn it. It happens through experience. You'll set a boundary maybe at times that feels too soft, and sometimes you may set one that feels way too rigid and you'll be able to adjust it.
And that's the, that's actually the core of boundaries, right? They're not, they're not walls. They're, they're able to be. [00:07:00] It, uh, shifted and moved. So I just want to really encourage you to always, um, you know, give yourself permission. I, I really do. I wholeheartedly believe in boundaries. I, it's something that I continue to work on.
I, I've owned it. I'm a people pleaser. I definitely have over functioned, but it's not every boundary is actually a boundary. When we're learning to set boundaries, we have to pay attention to. Are we trying to do something? Are we trying to get the other person to do something here? Because that really isn't a boundary.
And the more honest you are about what's going on underneath with yourself, the more grounded, clear, and effective your boundaries will become. I hope this conversation was helpful for you. If you'd like to talk more about how coaching could support you to. Forward in any aspect of your life, whether personally or professionally.
Book a time anytime to chat with me at coachwithkamini.com, and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at [00:08:00] www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for listening!