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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter two The Father Wound Let's get our definition settled up front. What on earth do I mean when I talk about the father wound? Put simply, the father wound is the pain and hurt caused when an earthly father acts in a way that is counter to that of God the Father. It can be caused by a physically or emotionally absent father, a distracted father, or a father who failed to provide a safe and loving environment for a child to grow. It can be a father who was around but not really engaged or fully present.
Speaker 1:It can be caused by neglect, absence, abuse, control, or withholding love, blessings, and or affirmation. The father wound is a result of the intentional or unintentional absence of love. Simply put, you feel alone, that there is no one to guide, love, or protect you. We all have a father wound of some kind because we all have imperfect fathers. There is not one person on earth who has gone through their life without experiencing hurt from their father, no matter how great he might have been.
Speaker 1:The father wound transcends age, race, gender, or religion. It doesn't care how much money you make or the title on your business card. It is something that we all must deal with to some degree. You may have removed yourself from qualifying for the principles in this book, thinking to yourself, sure, my father was not perfect, but he stuck around, and my life wasn't as messed up as some other people's. Whether for the sake of family loyalty, or through comparing our scars with others, we tend to downplay our pain in hindsight.
Speaker 1:Don't let this be you. There are varying degrees of a father wound. Some are worse than others, but all are worthy of care and healing. Each person is different, even two siblings can have the same father and experience the same upbringing yet have totally different father wounds. At the end of the day, this book was not written for the people with the biggest wounds or smallest, but for those with wounds.
Speaker 1:Period. Dominate or dismiss. Typically, you have two groups when referring to the father wound. One group is those who are obsessed with their father wound and use it as an excuse to not fulfill their potential. That's team I'd be able to hold down a job or be a good husband if my father didn't hurt me.
Speaker 1:The other group are those who deny that the actions of their father are of any importance at all. That's the my past does not impact who I am today group. Both of yous will hinder you from fulfilling your potential. One is based in pity and the other is found in ignorance at best and pride at worst. The former allows their past to dominate them, the other dismisses it altogether, and both have harmful consequences.
Speaker 1:I have been both of these unhealthy people. I remember someone being concerned about the impact my past was having on my relationship with others. I responded, my past has nothing to do with who I am today. I couldn't have been more wrong. The lies the enemy used against me during that season of life was, your past doesn't matter.
Speaker 1:You can overcome this on your own. You can prove to them that there's nothing wrong with you. Later, I used my father wound to discourage me from taking the risks needed to grow myself into a mature adult. Fear played a huge part in keeping me from dating women, applying for jobs, or trying new things that caught my interest. Fear of rejection, failure, and embarrassment plagued me for many years.
Speaker 1:I threw myself a pity party daily as I believed the lie, if you fail, people are going to leave you. They will make fun of you if you fail and reject you if you try. The safe place is right here. Do not put yourself out there because you don't have what it takes to succeed. The healthy person can be found right in the middle of the two groups of unhealthy people.
Speaker 1:This person has left both ditches and finds him or herself well balanced in the middle of the road. They have identified their father wound and acknowledged the impact it's had on their life. They are able to process their past through the wisdom and counsel of wise friends and counselors. They have recognized the unhealthy emotions their upbringing has caused and have done what they need to eliminate those feelings in a healthy way. Another difficulty the father wound presents is that as you mature and enter seasons of life, different feelings seem to pop up and present a new set of challenges.
Speaker 1:For example, I thought I had dealt with my father wound and was free from its grip when my first child came along. But as I held my baby boy for the first time, the enemy started to speak to me. Isn't he amazing? I wonder if your father felt the same way about you. If he did, then why did he leave you?
Speaker 1:Although I have gained a tremendous amount of healing from my past, moments like this happen from time to time. Each new milestone in my kid's life is one more reminder that my father wasn't present in my life. It's an odd mix of celebration for my kid's accomplishment and grief for my own loss. It is a relational wound from one of the two most important people in your entire life. This isn't a casual chat about how Mike from eighth grade once bullied you on the playground.
Speaker 1:This is looking at the repeated actions of your father and coming to grips with the impact it has had on you. It's a hard hill to climb. You must deal with the question, how is my father going to respond? When thinking about processing your wound and dealing with your past, the fear of messing up the possible piece of your family comes into play. It is difficult to bring up such an emotional topic with your family in a healthy, honest, and safe way that honors instead of attacks.
Speaker 1:To go back into your past and revisit some painful moments is one of the hardest things you and possibly your family will do. It is so much easier to keep those experiences and memories hidden away beneath the surface where you can manage them and keep them at bay. We must remember that the enemy wants you to hold onto these emotions. So he says, what if nothing changes? Or are you sure you really feel that way?
Speaker 1:I think you're overreacting. It's not that big a deal. Societal lies like men don't cry or if you share your feelings, you're weak also hold us hostage from confronting our father wound. This creates tension as we as humans don't like tension. In fact, we do all that we can to relieve our lives from dealing with things that make us feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:We don't like to be messy, but the Lord wants to meet you in the middle of that mess. He wants to give you grace as you sit in the tension and face the discomfort. Sometimes God needs to break you down so that He can build you back up. They're called growing pains for a reason. Confronting your father wound will take work, and it will take time, but this process will produce freedom and healing.
Speaker 1:It will be worth it, not only for you, but for the people who you love and lead as well. Tell me, what is your perspective on your father wound? Do you relate to the words dominate or dismiss? Put yourself in your father's shoes. What is his perspective on your relationship?
Speaker 1:How would he respond to you bringing up the topic of your relationship?