Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
In this episode of 'Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley,' Christine explores the concept of identity and the ways we often negotiate against ourselves. Sharing personal anecdotes, including her journey of house-hunting and life after leaving the corporate world, Christine emphasizes the importance of knowing and being true to oneself. She discusses the pitfalls of self-negotiation and the importance of putting oneself first, whether through small actions like wearing red lipstick or making significant life changes. Please tune in to discover why self-fulfillment should be non-negotiable and how to practice what you preach, even when challenging.
00:00 Introduction and Opening Remarks
01:19 Identity and Self-Reflection
07:18 Negotiating Against Yourself
17:49 Personal Anecdotes and Lessons
28:08 Final Thoughts and Encouragement
Creators and Guests
What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?
This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.
My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.
We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.
So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.
29 Fuck Fear - Identity 4 Negotiate against yourself
===
[00:00:00]
Christine: Good morning everyone, or afternoon or evening, wherever you're listening to this. Um, you are listening to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like a head bitch in charge and I am excited today. I'm always excited when I come here.
I'm not always excited when I come here. I'm excited once I get here.
Joe Woolworth: Yeah. We're kinda like the gym like that.
Christine: Yeah. Yeah. And if you, I don't think we [00:01:00] typed it, but we just did our shots, so, and um, they aren't longevity shots, by the way.
Joe Woolworth: Okay. I can't read,
Christine: I don't know. They're immunity shots. How he got longevity out of immunity, I'm not sure.
But, um, you're not as old as I am, Joe, so you need to check your class. Yeah, yeah. But anyway. Today, I, I am gonna, it's gonna kind of be a quickie but it came from, we've been talking about identity and, um, two things I wanted, I wanna tell a little bit on myself. So I'm always curious about what I talk about with you guys, because typically what happens is I immediately, um, have an opportunity to practice it in my life.
You know, it's kinda like practice what you preach, be careful what you claim, um, 'cause you'll have a opportunity to show that in your life, whether you believe it or not. And um, so it was, it was interesting [00:02:00] because I'm actually looking for a new place and we had talked. The previous podcast about, um, you know, not getting your identity from other people, places and things, and what is your identity?
It's important to know that because that's one of the most amazing things you can ever know in this world and watch it evolve and change. And it's, so yesterday I got a call from one of the houses I was looking at and um, I go over there and it's small and it's cute, and the backyard is really cute. And, um.
But it's really small and it's, you know, in a neighborhood and, and I'm just, you know, I, and I'm talking to this woman and she's like, yeah, I lived here for six years by myself. 'cause I was asked about safety and, you know, and the last three years have been with my, with my fiance and the neighbors to the left.
You know, the man works from home and they're great and they take care of my cats when I'm gone. And, you know, neighbors to the right, they have two [00:03:00] kids that are in, you know, 11 and I think nine. And it was just a really. Quaint little house and immediately I started to try and find things wrong with it.
You know, it's not this huge house. It's not in the right neighborhood. It's not all these things that I hate, none. I, none, I hate them, but that I came from that I didn't want anymore. I mean, literally, it used to take me all Saturday to clean the floors in our house all Saturday. That's a whole day. And like, I don't have to have worry about that in this place.
I mean, it's all hard woods, but it's like, ah, you know, maybe, maybe an hour the most. And it is just funny again to me. And so I called myself out. I was talking to two, two of my friends. I said, yeah, I think I'm getting a little bit uppity again. [00:04:00] You know, and it's, it's just one of those things where it's important for me, and I encourage you, um, to do it too, is just to listen to what goes on in your head.
And why you have a mm, a feeling or an emotion and, and they talk about it in, I think it's in, um, the simple of art of not giving a fuck about. That's a belief you have. You hold that belief when you go, ugh, something's, you know, something gets to you or whatever. And to me, yesterday it was, ooh, I'm all of a sudden finding all these things that are wrong with this place.
I. And what are you? And typically that leads to I'm attached to something, I have a belief about something. And um, and my belief came down to this is what a successful woman looks like at 54, and these are the [00:05:00] things around her. And it just, it was like such bullshit. Now the good news is just like. I get to sit here and go, all right, that's bullshit.
And the I move on, you know, and it's down to that house and another small house. Um, and so I just get to focus on the fact that on Saturdays it's not gonna take me all day to do the floors, and I'm gonna be able to get it done by, you know, ESPN game time, you know? So but it is funny. It's funny how I do that.
And then. Literally that afternoon, I have to practice what I preach. So it's funny how
Joe Woolworth: we feel like everything in our lives should be up and to the right. 'cause we're capitalists. Dang it. Yeah. Like there should be no dips or changes, even if we would prefer a smaller house.
Christine: Even if, even if, and that's what's funny too, is, is I've got it.
I may lose it. I, I may never get it again. And, and I [00:06:00] literally sit here and talk to you guys, this audience about. What do you really care about? What really matters to you? What is your identity? And here I'm, you know, doing that and, and I just give myself grace and go, yeah, okay, I forgot. I, I always say I have the best forgetter in the world.
You know? And I, while that is one of the most frustrating things, it is also one of the most glorious things about being human is we get to show up every day. And learn it again, or have an opportunity to practice what we learned yesterday or change it or critique it or, you know, um, and then add that in to the fact that other people are just bumping around in their own ignorance and getting up and going, well, do I wanna, do I wanna practice what I preach today?
Or do I wanna be an a-hole or do I wanna have this or that? And, and it's just, that's, I'm surprised that we're not more fucked up than we are, although that's. [00:07:00] Pretty amazing to I, I say that, but then there's a hole. Political situation that here in the US that I'm not surprised about. Um, so, but practice what I preach.
So I try to, um, and I have every day I get up, I have an opportunity, um, to do that in small ways and big ways. So that is not the topic of today. It is gonna be a short one. Um, but today is kind of along those lines. Um, and really it's, I learned this phrase, um, from a, a person when I was at, you know, negotiating and stuff.
And I, um, I didn't, I like this person a lot, but, um, just very gruff. In the position that they had very gruff person and, um, he was a secret. He was the Secretary of Commerce and, um, he used to always come out and like, he never wanted to put anything on the table, right? [00:08:00] And he would always go, well, I don't believe in negotiating against ourselves.
You know, I'm like, well just put an offer on the table. Come on, we gotta start somewhere. And, but I've taken that. I've really looked at when am I negotiating against myself, whether it be in business or anywhere in my life. And one, I have to understand my identity to understand what I'm negotiating away and whether or not that is really something I should be negotiating way.
And where this came up recently for me and um, some of my friends that we were talking about is we were talking about. Thank God we didn't, you know, we didn't get that job that, that, that we applied for. Um, or thank God that, you know, this relationship didn't work out. I have a friend who was like, you know, thank God they didn't go to counseling.
I would've, I would've hung on for [00:09:00] another three or four years, you know, and it just was not, was supposed to be. And so when I talk about. This segment I want you to think about in your life, and it could be at work, it could be the job you didn't apply for, because ah, I don't have all of the, you know, qualifications.
And we know that women, I think it's women, if they don't have 70% or more, don't typically don't apply for a job. And, um. You know, are we negotiating ourselves out of an opportunity to have what we really want? And it could be as little as, you know, I used to a couple things. I used to not put any color on my nails.
Um, and I like color on my nails. Um, I actually have designs on my nails and I had sparkle on my nails for the first time at 53. [00:10:00] Um, text everybody about that. And since then I've been doing different things with my nails ever since. But again, I just was telling myself, that's not me. Or, um, I work in a conservative industry.
I shouldn't wear color. And like, this is all just shit in my head that I was telling myself negotiating it out or it's, you know, I wear red lipstick now I wear it and it's not red, it's cherry. Um, but I wear it and it's the only makeup that I wear. I wear it every day as much as possible. And is it too much?
And I remember talking to a really badass attorney and she was going into, and I, she had this beautiful blonde, tiny little blonde and just this popping red lipstick. And I was like, oh my God, I love your lipstick. It just, it's so awesome and it looks great on you. And. Um, she said, yeah, I was going [00:11:00] to a mediation the other day and I thought maybe I shouldn't wear that.
And I'm like, wow, you doubted, you know, like, she's like, you know, I didn't wanna come too across to, and I know in business you, you know, we mute down and stuff, but I was like, no, wear it every day. And so since that day I have worn red lipstick. But what are you negotiating yourselves out of? And it may sound silly, it may sound so small.
But there are days when I am driving somewhere or doing something and I feel like shit and I look in a mirror or whatever, catch a glimpse, and I've got my red lipstick on and it just, it's like, yeah, okay, so what is it? You know, I negotiated myself out of going after and trying to start or even start looking for what fulfilled me for many years.
You know, um, it just [00:12:00] wasn't the right time. You know, I'm, I'm happy I'm okay. And I was talking with a friend the other night and we were talking about the bargaining. We do, you know, if it's not negotiating ourselves out of, it's the bargaining we do. And the thought of, well, I'm gonna give this, this, and this and not get this in return because I'm gonna get X in return.
Like, it's okay for, um. My job to treat me like this because the wages are good and I will just do the job for a couple years, and then seven years later, I'm still at that job or the relationship where I, you know, it's okay that you don't, aren't emotionally available. I'll just give all my time and energy to the kids and just sh, well, what does that do?
That shuts down that whole part of the relationship that involves the person that is emotionally unavailable. Or, you know, we've, I've had friends who've done this well. We'll, just, and I was talking to a person the other night, [00:13:00] um, and they were talking about, you know, really thinking, well, I'll just, I'll just stay till the kids graduate, you know, and they didn't.
And the person was like, thank God I didn't. We are so much better now. We're both sides. It was hard and it was painful and it's not easy, but both sides are so much better than the kids are better now. But it's what we tell ourselves and what we negotiate ourselves into or out of. And when I do that and I bargain my way.
Down to the lowest common denominator that is acceptable to others. What am I giving away in return for that? And I will tell you from someone who's given a lot of stuff away freely on my own accord, you know, I'm [00:14:00] not blaming anybody for that. Those were decisions I made. Um, um. It's really hard to get some of that stuff back.
You have to, for me, I had to really think about it. It was so hard to convince myself that it was okay to ask for it again, to say, this is what I wanted again, and then to go get it. And it's almost like we've talked about this at times where. It's, it's the thing that gets bigger and bigger and bigger.
And it's, it's almost like yesterday when I was looking at that house, if I don't call myself out on that and tell somebody and go, yeah, I got a little uppity. You know, I want the big lawn that I hate mowing. Don't have a lawn mower anymore. You know, gonna have to have a guy come out and do it. You know, wanna, want, want, you know, I don't need that.
I don't want it. So why the hell am I making, you know? Decisions about, based on that make decisions based on, you know, [00:15:00] other things about the house and the location and things like that. That fit me now. But when I do that, then I don't have to look at where I am right now and deal with any insecurities that I might have about what success looks like, about what others think, and sometimes I have a great attitude.
Towards myself. And I'm like, yeah, fuck y'all. Um, other times I say that, and I'm, you know, my knees are knocking, but what am I willing to give away of myself at what cost? And I told this to a person the other day. I said, you always have to come first to you. I said. You can't wait for someone else to put you first.
You have to put your, put yourself first. [00:16:00] And I set the bar for how I treat myself, and that typically sets the bar how you're gonna treat me. I, I remember telling this to the women at the Women's Conference, the women in manufacturing comments and, and speaking, and I was surprised that it came out, but I was talking, we were talking about listening and when we see everybody else in the room [00:17:00] doesn't get it and what happens, and typically I go, well, I must not just get it.
And so I. Every time I do that, I remember standing up and just putting my foot out like I was putting out a cigarette and just squishing it. I said, that's what I do to that. That's what I do to me, and every time I negotiate against myself, that's what I do to me, is I just make it and I push it down and harder and harder, and then it gets so far away that my identity is a shell.
Then I have guilt and then I have shame and all those fun things. But you know, I'm sure Joe, you've seen this in people or maybe yourself, and it's not just for women. I think men do it too.
Joe Woolworth: Sure. Yeah. When you were talking, I was thinking what it kinda looked like for me when I left my executive position at the company I was at.
There was [00:18:00] all this unlearning of stuff that I was doing 'cause it felt like things an executive should do. Like way I was, the way I was dressing, the kind of car that I felt I should show up to a meeting in. Mm-hmm. All those kind of, and they weren't really things that made me feel good or comfortable.
They were just things that I felt like I needed to keep doing because, I don't know, it's like felt like a step backwards or some kinda weird corporate. And I'm like, but I'm not, they, I'm not even there anymore. Why do I care? But I still couldn't shake it.
Christine: Yeah. It's, I remember, um, my neighbor, Inya, I've talked about her before she came over for like, it was so weird for me when I left corporate 'cause I, I could have nothing to do at three o'clock in the afternoon.
What the hell is that? Like if I'm not, if my calendar's not booked back to back to back and I don't have. And I'm not working till seven or eight or getting off and then getting back on, and then up at, you know, [00:19:00] six in, at my desk at seven. Um, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not productive. And which is absolutely total bullshit.
But again, I had bought into that. That was one of the things, you know, busy is productive. And um, I remember her coming over at like three o'clock in the afternoon and we just sat and I. I think I've made her, like, I, I had bought some fruit, you know, I don't know. It was just, it was so weird. It was, now we're just like, whatever.
Um, but it was one of the neatest things. And she sat down and I told her, I said, it's weird. It's, I, I feel really weird. Like all my stuff's done. I've done everything on my checklist. And, um, and she said, she said, yeah, welcome back to Gen Pop. And she's like, this is how general population lives. You know, they don't live by a calendar.
And um, and I thought about that. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your calendar being booked. I'm not saying that that's what it [00:20:00] is, and you're signed off on that and that's what gives you what you want and fulfills you. There's nothing wrong with that, but I had stepped away like you did Joe and I didn't need to have my calendar book, and it was a relearning of.
Wow. That was the venue in which I displayed my business acumen and it took on the, the, the outfits and this and that of that. And now I don't, I'm not in that venue anymore. How do I choose to display it? But it is interesting, the mental gymnastics and also sometimes the emotional gymnastics that comes with that.
And I think for me. The, the more I say, Hey, this isn't, this is who I am. When it's really not, the harder it is to leave, the harder it is to make the move, [00:21:00] the harder it is to validate to myself that what I want. And even though it's different than what I have and what I've been saying I've wanted is okay to go after and look into and I, um.
Actually a male friend of mine, um, sent me a podcast on, um, menopause and I was like, go, dude. And it was a, it was a Dak Shepherd podcast, um, with Mary Claire and she was talking about that, you know, about just, you know, understanding. She had reached a point in her life where she had to go do these things, and yes, she had a family and yes, she had a husband and, but they could come or not, but she had to go do these things because it was literally killing her, um, emotionally and, and just suffocating.[00:22:00]
It's like, I look at that and I, and again, I was listening to that yesterday, and so I think that's part of it is just what do we negotiate ourselves out of? How do we negotiate against ourselves? And sometimes I don't even know that I'm doing that because I don't know me. And, you know, I, I learned this. I, this is something from the pantry that someone gave me a long time, not a long time ago, about a month or two ago, not a long time ago at all in my world.
Um. I'm the human I'm supposed to take care of. I'm the one that I, I'm the only one that I have total domain over. And how can I take care of me if I don't know me? How am I not selling myself short, let alone with all the crap that society and, you know, for, for women, the patriarchy and, and for men. I mean, you guys get screwed over on it too, you know?
But just if we [00:23:00] don't know that, then how do I fight? How do I defend, how do I love, how do I go to the negotiating table when I don't know my own value? How do I know what chips or am I just sitting here bluffing? It's, you know, it's kind like when you play poker, but you don't know your hand. How do you bluff on that?
You're just. Scared shitless, and I've done that sometimes. I've gone into meetings and not been prepared at all. At all, and it is the most uncomfortable and all, man. I remember one where I just sat there and I was like, oh God, please don't, please don't make me commit. Like, please don't even remotely, you know, say anything substantial.
Like let's just keep it sup, you know, superficial on the, you know, just dance. Bob and weave Bob and weave, put your jab out there and dance. Just make it to the bell. And I don't, I don't wanna live like that [00:24:00] anymore. And you know, I talked in my last episode about my friend who just was holding it all together, you know, for someone else idea of what her identity should be.
And I just wanted to come out today and just go, what are we negotiating against? How are we negotiating against ourselves? And I'm so grateful that, and Garth, there's that old Garth Brooks song. I don't know if you listen to country and I don't listen to like even Garth Brooks to me is new country and like George Strait and you know, yeah.
I listen to country. I like Garth Brooks. Anyway, but you know that, that, thank God for unanswered prayers. Mm-hmm. You know, and if I look back. Anytime. I don't do this as often, but I is one of the things that I go to and I've, my AA sponsor, Carol used to say, look back at all the unanswered prayers and [00:25:00] look, you know, from the date, right, the prayer, like what it was and the date it was, you know, the date, it was not answered, or you got the no or whatever.
And then what are the things that have happened since then? That wouldn't have happened because you wouldn't have been in that situation. You wouldn't have got that other job that you met this friend that now you're lifelong friends with. You wouldn't have met the girl that you're married to now, or the guy that you're think hangs the moon.
Or you wouldn't have had the kids or you wouldn't have, you know, you wouldn't have known yourself like, you know, today. You wouldn't have gotten the tattoo, you know, you wouldn't have learned. For me in just the most recent, um, there's things, there's ways that I've talked to my step kids recently that if I hadn't have gone through some things that I went through and made some choices, never would have those conversations.
There's things with my life. I mean, you know, we've all [00:26:00] seen it play out here to some degree, but thank God. You know, I didn't get what I wanted. What is it? You don't get what you want? The John, the John Hyatt song, but I got what I need. It's a slow turn from the inside out. You know, I never got what I wanted, but I got what I needed and I just, it's always a slow turn from the inside out.
And if I don't know what the inside looks like, it's gonna be, it's sometimes it never turns. So I don't say this to be a Debbie Downer, but look around and think about the miracles you want and don't, don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens. Ask, negotiate for it. Go get it. And, and what it, there's this, um, thing on Instagram or TikTok or YouTube or, well, on [00:27:00] social media platform.
I don't know. She was a, she was given a commencement speech and you could probably Google her, but she's a I think she's a, she was in the Army and she was talking about this woman, met her and said, oh, she's pretty, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And said some comments and she thought, oh, you think I'm, you know, it's 'cause I was black and white.
And really what the woman says, you need to go and be in this miss. I think you should be in pageants. She was, I think she did it like six or seven years and never got any, like, didn't. And then she won and then she won, and then she won, and then she went on and did the army. And then she was doing this other, I mean, she just has this now, she's, you know, all these things that we consider success.
And um, so it's like, you know, what am I afraid of? The no for just where, you know, no is just a yet not [00:28:00] yet. But if I never ask, I don't get the no, but I don't get the, yes. So today the myth that I'm gonna bust and then I'm hope I'm busting, is that negotiating before you even are asked to negotiate it is crazy.
It's absolutely crazy. You don't negotiate against yourself. Your fulfillment is non-negotiable.
How do you make your fulfillment non-negotiable? It starts for me by looking and saying what fulfills me? I,
and if I don't know, a place for me to start sometimes is. What do I [00:29:00] not want? What do I not want? And again, you don't have to say it out loud, you don't have to put it on paper. Just think about it. That's breathing a little bit of oxygen into that spark that turns into a fire. But don't, don't negotiate against yourself.
The world will tell you no. They will tell you it's too much, you know? So go ahead, wear the red lipstick, get your nails painted the color you want. Wear the outfit that everybody thinks is insane. Be who you are. Know who you are, because I think it's the Mark Twain saying. You know, be who you are because everybody else is taken.[00:30:00]
Joe Woolworth: I don't remember who said that.
Christine: It's, it's a quote of some sort, but seriously, ladies, you are the human that you're responsible for, know, love, and care for her. Learn what you don't know about yourself.
So until next time. Have an amazing day, amazing evening. Wear the red lipstick. You are enough. You're not done, but you're enough. And until then, tubs,
[00:31:00]