Noon Hour Of Madness & Mayhem

This episode of The Noon Hour of Madness and Mayhem begins with Peaches apparently deciding that the only appropriate way to handle a midlife crisis is to simultaneously sell his possessions, stage his apartment like a soulless luxury hotel listing, write an enormous philosophical autobiography about his summer, listen to sad music while doing it, and somehow turn Facebook Marketplace into his personal digital archaeological dig. Peaches has apparently entered his “I must explain my existence to the internet” era, complete with a reflective essay that begins with the energy of a man staring dramatically out a rain-covered window while a piano plays in the background. Meanwhile, the rest of the show immediately subjects this emotional literary masterpiece to the ancient and sacred law of TLDR. The gang discusses Facebook’s absurd character limit, attention spans, the supposed three-second window needed to hook someone, and the possibility of turning Peaches’ essay into a dramatic televised reading where someone in a suit solemnly announces, “Peaches did this.” The entire emotional journey is then abruptly murdered by Facebook Marketplace.

And Facebook Marketplace is not merely a website in this episode. It is a portal. A cursed dimensional doorway into the strangest objects ever owned by mankind. One person gets bland paintings, a salt lamp, a vacuum and an acoustic guitar. The other gets dinosaur lamps, bizarre toilets apparently detonated by military-grade plumbing explosives, cosmetology mannequins with creepy wig-covered heads, leather trench coats, pendulums and other artifacts that look like they were removed from the basement of a haunted Victorian orphanage. The Marketplace algorithm has apparently decided that these people do not deserve normal household goods. It wants them to see the weirdest garbage Idaho has to offer. The discussion of driving a pickup truck to Pocatello just to retrieve two books somehow evolves into an existential debate about gasoline costs, lifted trucks, masculinity, and the immortal declaration that Peaches himself is essentially a lifted truck because apparently walking into someone is equivalent to getting hit by a semi.

Then comes the trench coat. A completely ordinary $50 black trench coat becomes the foundation for a horrifying alternate reality in which Peaches goes wandering around the Idaho Falls Greenbelt at night wearing a trench coat, gray fedora and possibly playing the Twilight Zone theme while looking like the world's least competent noir villain. Within seconds, the show has created a scenario in which a local radio DJ could potentially become the subject of a news report about a trench-coat-wearing flasher terrorizing the Greenbelt. This is also where the show remembers that there are rabid bats around Idaho Falls and Rigby, which is a particularly unfortunate development for people who enjoy taking nighttime walks. The discussion of rabies quickly becomes horrifying because bat bites can be so tiny that someone might not even realize they've been bitten before the biological nightmare begins. This leads to memories of bats flying directly into people's heads, bats at Craters of the Moon, Bigfoot jump scares, mysterious roadside silhouettes and a black Bigfoot cutout that apparently exists solely to make unsuspecting pedestrians believe a ten-foot woodland cryptid has emerged from the darkness.

The Greenbelt then becomes its own ecosystem of questionable smells and nocturnal creatures. A group of people occupying the entire trail is compared to mole people emerging from a sewer because apparently they smelled so terrible that the only logical explanation was subterranean human civilization. This spirals into a lengthy discussion about the lingering smell of cigarettes and cigars, the horrifying experience of putting on yesterday's smoke-soaked shirt and suddenly realizing you smell like you've been chain-smoking behind a casino since 1974. Former smokers confess that they have experienced the phenomenon firsthand, while memories of the old 105 The Hawk studio lead to the realization that indoor smoking once apparently turned entire buildings into giant ashtrays. The episode then briefly establishes that cigarettes are not merely something you smoke; they are a fragrance subscription service that remains embedded in your clothing long after the cigarette itself has been extinguished.

But the episode's descent into animal-related insanity is where things truly leave the earthly plane. After discussing a violent donkey that allegedly barged into a van and beat the occupants, Peaches discovers stories about animals being mistreated by humans, including a disturbing incident involving geese and another involving a kid at a zoo chasing a bird with a stick after apparently getting into an enclosure. The show's moral outrage is immediate, spectacular and increasingly unhinged. The hosts discuss what kind of parents allow their children to behave like tiny zoo-based supervillains, before the conversation predictably escalates into increasingly ridiculous fantasies involving Big Bird, axes, animal enclosures and revenge delivered through aggressively costumed bird-based justice. At this point the program is no longer discussing animal cruelty. It is effectively building a cinematic universe where radio personalities dress as giant birds and hunt down misbehaving children.

Finally, the discussion lands on the horrifying reality of being a theme-park mascot. Peaches recalls working at Knott's Berry Farm in heavy clothing while dealing with Southern California heat and the absolutely disgusting possibility of falling into the filthy water near the log ride. The conversation explores mascot height requirements, claustrophobia, heat, sweat, terrifying costumes and the psychological damage of having to inhabit a giant cartoon character while children stare at you. An Easter Bunny costume is revealed to have induced near-terminal claustrophobia, and the possibility of putting someone into a Snoopy costume quickly becomes a nightmare scenario involving crying children, aggressive mascots and a radio personality charging uphill while dressed as a beloved cartoon animal. By the end of the episode, Peaches has gone from writing a heartfelt reflection on his life to browsing creepy Marketplace mannequins, potentially stalking the Greenbelt in a trench coat, worrying about rabies, smelling suspicious pedestrians, judging cigarette smokers, defending geese, plotting bird-based vengeance and contemplating the existential horror of mascot life. This is not a podcast episode so much as a neurological event.

What is Noon Hour Of Madness & Mayhem?

The Noon Hour Of Madness & Mayhem can be heard live on KBEAR 101 weekdays at 12pm MST. Viktor and Peaches talk about a wide variety of topics depending on the day and you never know what to expect!

Speaker 1: The noon hour of madness and mayhem the podcast.

Speaker 2: It's the noon hour of madness and mayhem. And speaking of madness, Peaches, you know, just in the depths of it.

Speaker 3: I had to unleash my inner Stephen King late last night.

Speaker 2: Oh boy. I can't wait to see this. It's gonna be one of those TLDR situations.

Speaker 3: I have no idea still what that acronym means.

Speaker 2: It means too long didn't read.

Speaker 3: Oh I was expecting those comments to pop up.

Speaker 2: Oh yeah, yeah, for sure. TLDR.

Speaker 3: I'm not reading all that, but good luck.

Speaker 2: So as you know, Peaches in the middle of his midlife crisis, selling all his possessions. Uh apparently staging his apartment for whoever's going to move into it to make it look like every other listing for an apartment you see that's up for grabs. Some you know black and white photos.

Speaker 3: I keep getting advertisements for these very these stupid uh home scent systems. The lady advertising it was like, yeah, this 250 dollar like rod will spray in the middle of your living room and make your whole place just smell like a five-star hotel. That's what I want when I walk into my place. I want it to smell like a hotel.

Speaker 2: So in addition to fixing up his place to maybe it's a supposed to look like a hotel room. Uh Peaches also has been writing a book, I guess pondering his life up to this point. Yeah, that's very long, Peaches. Again, TLDR.

Speaker 3: What's funny is that Facebook, I had to look up what exactly is the character limit for Facebook. They have one. 9,000 to 10,000 words. Wow. And this is only this is barely over a thousand. I can't imagine. Nine times more.

Speaker 2: Well, I've seen people make some pretty long babbling posts.

Speaker 3: So Facebook for some reason really likes to push those. I've noticed like Instagram, you just go, hey, this is me with my friends. Here's to this, you know, whatever. And people will like those pictures because they're more so wanting to see the pictures. Facebook's like, oh, what exactly are they doing? Like it's the uh but it's about attention deficit too. Like we talked about in that meeting with the three seconds to hook somebody in. Yeah.

Speaker 2: Yeah, how you hook them in the first three seconds of that essay.

Speaker 3: Oh, hey everybody, I'm not dead.

Speaker 2: Okay. That that's a good start.

Speaker 3: Um maybe I should have you do a video instead, just reading the whole thing. Uh you pop up in a suit.

Speaker 2: It looks like a pretty long speech, Peaches.

Speaker 3: And you just stand there going like, Peaches did this.

Speaker 2: Here's Peach's essay on life. His reflection on life. His reflections. Okay. As I sit here and ponder my existence up to this point.

Speaker 3: The worst part is I was listening to sad music last night, getting myself in the mood to put this all up.

Speaker 2: What is it exactly?

Speaker 3: It's just a like, uh here's what I've been doing this whole summer, you know. Like the goal that I've reached and everything.

Speaker 2: And Alright hopefully it'll uh be inspirational. I hope so. You know, motivational to others. You can do it.

Speaker 3: It's weird talking about this stuff with you because I I feel like you never talk about stuff like this, and you just make fun of stuff like this all the time.

Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah. I'm I'm I'm certainly not gonna write a uh reflective essay on my summer and post it online. Reflective. essay. I Peaches enjoy blowing way too much money on books, and thanks to Facebook Marketplace. Now I'm like, should I uh spend a whole bunch of money on gas to drive my truck down to Pocatello to get two books?

Speaker 3: No, be like me and sell your stuff. You're sitting there on a fortune, a big nice pile. What you gotta do is you use AI to help you uh uh we're talking about AI again. I'm waiting for that one listener to pop up going, you guys' AI uses is just uh downright sad. Yeah. You're wasting water.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I see a a couple books here that somebody is selling for a good price that um are worth more than the price. But they're in pokey. And I don't know if you have driven a pokey recently in a pickup truck, Peaches, but it costs a ton of money.

Speaker 3: I've never driven a pickup truck in my life. Oh well.

Speaker 2: I was trying to think of a way to do a you know, be a man video.

Speaker 3: Well, I'm a man for not driving one of those lifted trucks. Put that on my tombstone. Never driven a lifted truck.

Speaker 2: Even though you're the one guy who need you know, like it would fit perfect in a lifted truck.

Speaker 3: I am a lifted truck. I always tell people if you ever cut me off, like when I'm walking, it's like cutting off a semi.

Speaker 2: Who's gonna win that collision? Me. Uh yeah, I hate Facebook Market, man. Every time I fire it up, I find something dumb.

Speaker 3: I get bland art on my Facebook marketplace.

Speaker 2: See, I get weird stuff. Like here's a dinosaur light. This is a dinosaur with wings. It's for sale in Rigby.

Speaker 3: I got a salt lamp. Look, look, I got a vacuum. I got an acoustic guitar and some terrible paintings on the top right.

Speaker 2: Yeah, my uh Facebook market is much more interesting than yours. How about cosmetology mannequins and a tripod stand? So there's a tripod and then there's a bunch of creepy heads with wigs. That's what I get in my Facebook market.

Speaker 3: I did also get a Life of a Showgirl shiny bug vinyl variant from Taylor Swift. Oh. That's popping up.

Speaker 2: Awesome, man. That's fantastic.

Speaker 3: Well, what in the world is this picture?

Speaker 2: Uh okay, that's a toilet that looks like an explosion came out of the tank. Like somebody put a an M80 or something in the tank and it blew out the top. Is that a big thing?

Speaker 3: It's for a plumber service. Is that black sludge?

Speaker 2: Black sludge, yeah. Oh, and now it's showing me cool stuff, but it's, you know, you gotta order it from elsewhere. I want local listings only. Why can't you click a button for that?

Speaker 3: We should get this for uh for either Maddie's office.

Speaker 2: The insane asylum. Send her for disturbed women.

Speaker 3: Or put it on Andrea's door.

Speaker 2: Put it on just Becca's car.

Speaker 3: Oh, yeah, even better. Just nail it right there on the hood.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Uh here's a leather trench coat. That's and it's new. All right.

Speaker 3: I love how this noon hour turned from Peaches talking about his reflective summer essay to all of a sudden Facebook marketplace. Let's just scroll and describe the items listed.

Speaker 2: Well, Peaches, I think if you are gonna continue your walks out on the river and up in the hills late at night. I need a headlamp. You need no, you need a full-on black trench coat.

Speaker 3: Oh, yeah. Especially when the with the winter approaching.

Speaker 2: There's one for 50 bucks in here.

Speaker 3: I start blasting like what is it? Uh the Twilight Zone theme or like the Pink Panther uh I do have a I do have a gray fedora from last year's Halloween costume. Maybe I should.

Speaker 2: So you wear that with the trench coat, and then I'll look like Vince Lombardi. And that's all you're wearing. You end up in the news, radio DJ arrested, flasher on the green belt.

Speaker 3: Like that guy that was doing so on the on the highway to Rexburg, just showing off his uh

Speaker 2: but this one you just open the trench coat, like in those old movies from like the 60s where there's some creep walking around. Is that a pendulum? All right, Peaches. I've got a warning for the public. I want We want to keep people safe.

Speaker 3: You're officially oh, I was gonna say you're officially going into Victoria Rose full time.

Speaker 2: No, no. This is about uh keeping the public safe in Idaho Falls and Rigby. Rabbid bats found in Idaho Falls and Rigby. Them bats. Them bats.

Speaker 3: Um where's Ozzy? Oh, he's passed, unfortunately.

Speaker 2: Yeah, apparently they found out about these rabid bats with uh or by pets coming into contact with them that later tested positive for rabies.

Speaker 3: We learned not to turn them into soup, okay? There's no need to consume the bats.

Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess bat bites peaches are so small, like you might not even know that you've been bitten by a bat, and then all of a sudden you're just uh wrecked with rabies.

Speaker 3: What a dumb, stupid creature, a bat. You know, have you been to have you been to a place like late at night where there's bats flying around? Yeah. And they can't obviously see, and they use sonar.

So sometimes they'll just fly right into you if you're moving around. I was walking around Big Bear Lake, California as a teenager. We went there on vacation with the whole family and everything. I'm walking around, all of a sudden, boom, right there my forehead. Remember what just hit me? Was that a rock? No, it's a stupid bat.

Speaker 2: Yeah, remember uh why can't I say the word remember? Remember, such an idiot. I do the same thing all the time. Yeah, you remember when you and me and Lou went out to Craters of the Moon. There were bats all over the place. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm gonna get rabies. Keep the bats away.

Speaker 3: Lou's like, I have a signed Batman poster.

Speaker 2: We're at The devil's orchestra. He just kept doing devil's orchard over and over and the devil's orchestra. I know we had a jump scare from Bigfoot that way that night, too.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that was a weird one. We're driving back. I'm like, what is that? What is that?

Speaker 3: It's a 10-foot tall creature just propped up on the side of the road. Oh, it's a cutout of Bigfoot for no reason.

Speaker 2: Uh, one of my neighbors has one of those in their yard, just a bigfoot cutout, and it's painted black. And so it can throw you off a little bit at night. Kind of looks like peaches hiding in the bushes.

Speaker 3: That's the thing, too, with the Idaho Falls green bells, you never know where I will be walking around that thing.

Speaker 2: Dude, there's bats out there, man.

Speaker 3: Dude, I walked by a group of people late at night. There was like a group of like 15 people just hogging up the entire trail. Boy, did they stink. I thought it was a group of mole people that hopped out the sewer grate, you know?

Uh-huh. There's a whole video I just saw from New York talking about how, like, oh, a mole person just peeked out from the manhole cover. I think I saw that one, yeah. And I didn't see a person pop out, but these people stunk. Who I walked by. Like they smelled dirty, or do they smell dirty, like sewage. Um why do you smell they also smell like uh cigarettes?

Speaker 2: Yeah, so okay. So they have this uh linger the the lingering cigarette smell is not good. Oh, it's awful. You know, it's been a long time since I was in a venue or establishment where you could smoke, but like back in the day, if you'd go out and you were at a place where smoking was allowed, the next day you just pick your clothes up, and it's like, ugh.

Speaker 3: I hunt I've I've hung out with the group of friends that we're gonna hang out with tonight when they were smoking cigars.

Speaker 2: Oh, yeah, you can't just get it. I came into work stunk the next day and I put on the same shirt. I was like, oh no, people are gonna think I'm a chain smoker. So I went home and changed real fast.

Speaker 2: All right. Well, um, note to everybody. Yeah, if you smoke a cigar, cigarettes or whatever, you you stink. And I'm a former smoker, so I can say that because I have picked my clothes up the next day and just been like, you dis you're disgusting.

Speaker 3: I I've been in that old 105 The Hawk studio back when I first started, and I remember people would go in the back to smoke cigarettes, and the whole back of the building smelled horrible. And then I would make them feel bad by going,

Speaker 2: yeah, you're one of those irritating guys. I I don't think anybody smokes here anymore.

Speaker 3: But then I went, you know, I'm like, you're the bigger cancer in the building compared to that cigarette.

Speaker 2: All right, Play. All Peaches is just scrolling away over there, and he says he has something that's fantastic for the program.

Speaker 3: Well, uh, yesterday I talked about this uh violent donkey that barged into somebody's van and beat the crap out of two people.

Speaker 2: Yeah, that was awesome. I love that story.

Speaker 3: I thought that was hilarious. But then I saw like the reason why animals are getting violent because some guy apparently in Seattle ran over a family of geese. Just every other driver was stopping allowing the geese to go to go across the street. Yeah. But I think this guy went out of his way to run over these. geese. What a psycho, dude. And I And I think there's a special place, certain place down below where these people belong for doing stuff like that to animals.

Speaker 2: I absolutely agree.

Speaker 3: And then I scrolled down a tad bit further and I saw this video of this stupid kid at a zoo chasing a bird with a stick. He hopped the fence and is now chasing the bird with a stick, trying to beat the crap out of it.

Speaker 2: Dude, what a where's his parents?

Speaker 3: I think what because sometimes these kids' parents go, let the kids be kids. He's just having fun. No. They're like almost committing like uh manslaughter.

Speaker 2: You know, here's what you need to do, Peach. Feed him to the tigers. No, no, I had a more fun idea than simply feeding him to the tigers. Uh we dress you up as big bird,

Speaker 3: and you chase them with a oh yeah. I have my axe on the wall. This is payback.

Speaker 2: That's right.

Speaker 3: Here's big birds.

Speaker 2: Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Try to keep your kids under control. Jeez. That kid looks like a real turd.

Speaker 3: I think we just throw that kid in the gorilla enclosure. Dude. Whatever happens, happens.

Speaker 2: Get him around, man. Now we're gonna get a post in the K-bear group, a picking post. We are just playing.

Speaker 3: They're they're hoping kids die on the noon hour of madness and mayhem.

Speaker 2: No, we're just saying we should chase them with a stick.

Speaker 3: Oh, I was I was making some references there. But you know, maybe we should have uh all of us dress up as different birds here in the building and just chase after these people.

Speaker 2: I I'm down. Uh it's cooling down this weekend, so it might be a fine time for a bird suit.

Speaker 3: Oh, can you imagine being a mascot? Ugh. Like, especially because so like it's supposed it's very humid back in Southern California. Is humid the right word? When you go outside and you're wet. Yeah. Like just automatically. Humid.

Uh, because I I was thinking about it. I used to work at Knott's Berry Farm, and they made me put on the flannel with the suspenders and the jeans and the beanie, and I wasn't out in the sun, but I was still outside with that covering over, and it was still hot. Yeah, it still sucks. And I was the water from the log ride can only keep you so cool. And you don't want to jump in the trench because the water's dirty and gross. You don't know what exactly is under there.

Uh and I just can't imagine being a mascot at Knott's Berry Farm. There's a certain height you have to be too. I remember seeing the application. It said like four foot eleven to five foot three or something like that.

Speaker 2: Yeah, the only time I've ever put on one of those similar costumes was an Easter bunny costume, and I got so claustrophobic that I thought I was gonna die. So, yeah, there's no way I could be a mascot. Oh, imagine me. Oh, just this giant, you know. What happened to Charlie Brown?

Speaker 3: That already sounded like that going up the hill in Brian's neighborhood. Just imagine, hey, here's Snoopy. Take a picture. Kids are just crying. I'm just chasing after the kid with the stick.

Speaker 1: The noon hour of madness and mayhem is a production of Riverband Media Group. For more information or to contact the show, visit Riverband Media Group.com.