Journey to the Sunnyside

Marci Hopkins is the host of Wake Up with Marci, a speaker, and the author of Chaos to Clarity. But her work didn’t come from theory — it came from living through years of trauma, chaos, and using alcohol to cope. In part one, Marci shares what chaos actually looked like growing up, how drinking slowly became normalized, and the moment she realized that trying to “manage” alcohol wasn’t going to work for her. We talk about self-awareness, nervous system survival, and why real change starts when you stop pretending something is working when it isn’t.
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Creators and Guests

Host
Mike Hardenbrook
#1 best-selling author of "No Willpower Required," neuroscience enthusiast, and habit change expert.

What is Journey to the Sunnyside?

Journey to the Sunnyside is a top 1% podcast, reaching over 500,000 listeners every week. It’s your guide to exploring mindful living with alcohol—whether you're cutting back, moderating, or thinking about quitting.

While Sunnyside helps you reduce your drinking, this podcast goes further, diving into topics like mindful drinking, sober curiosity, moderation, and full sobriety. Through real stories, expert insights, and science-backed strategies, we help you find what actually works for your journey.

Hosted by Mike Hardenbrook, a #1 best-selling author and neuroscience enthusiast, the show is dedicated to helping people transform their relationship with alcohol—without shame, judgment, or rigid rules.

This podcast is brought to you by Sunnyside, the leading platform for mindful drinking. Want to take the next step in your journey? Head over to sunnyside.co for a free 15-day trial.

Disclaimer: The views expressed in our episodes do not necessarily represent those of Sunnyside. We’re committed to sharing diverse perspectives on health and wellness. If you’re concerned about your drinking, please consult a medical professional. Sunnyside, this podcast, and its guests are not necessarily medical providers and the content is not medical advice. We do not endorse drinking in any amount.

Speaker 1:

Marci Hopkins is the host of Wake Up With Marci, a speaker and the author of Chaos to Clarity. But her work didn't come from theory. It came from living through years of trauma, chaos, and using alcohol to cope. In part one, Marcy shares what chaos actually looked like growing up, how drinking slowly became normalized, and the moment she realized that trying to manage alcohol wasn't going to work for her. We talk about self awareness, nervous system survival, and why real change starts when you stop pretending something is working when it isn't.

Speaker 1:

Okay, Marcy. Thanks for coming on today.

Speaker 2:

Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it.

Speaker 1:

It's gonna be a really great conversation. And let's get started a little bit with your story. And people who don't know your story or maybe haven't read your book, Chaos to Clarity, what did chaos actually look like before things started to shift for you?

Speaker 2:

Well, let's just say living in a place of unease was normal for me. A lot of that had to do with my upbringing. My mother had me at a very young age and there was some physical abuse by her boyfriend. So I then at six years old ended up living with my grandparents. I was actually given the choice to actually stay with my mother or move in with my grandparents, which is a huge decision to make at six years old.

Speaker 2:

But I didn't feel safe with my mother and I didn't want to be around her boyfriend. And so I made the decision to move in with my grandparents. Now there was while I was grateful at least to have been there during these formidable years, which was six to 12 years old. There was a lot of chaos in that home. My grandfather, if I had to guess, was maybe bipolar.

Speaker 2:

He had a very extreme temper and so living there while my grandmother was a beautiful part of my world and my life. She did all the things for me. But with that anger in the house and the explosiveness and then acting like nothing happened was very hard to navigate as a young child. Obviously, there's a lot of fear there. Your nervous system is on edge all the time, not knowing when the next time it's going to happen.

Speaker 2:

And my aunts were there and such for for part of it and so there was a lot of yelling there and again you never learned how to communicate because everybody would just act like nothing happened the next day and you just moved on. Then at 12 years old, my mother met someone that we both thought would be our knight in shining armor. Was super excited for my mother. I was so excited because I was going to get to move back in with my mother and now have a presence of a father and this idea, right, of having this perfect little family unit. So I was very grateful for that.

Speaker 2:

I will say that the first time that I got drunk was at their wedding, which was I was 12 years old. I remember participating in the drinking of the champagne because drinking was very normalized in my life with my mother. She drank all the time. Even my grandfather drank a lot. So it was just very normalized.

Speaker 2:

So for me to drink it. It really I don't even remember getting in trouble the next day for it. And then we would go on family vacations and I'm 13 and being allowed to participate and having a drink. So it just became part of life for me, having alcohol around and also being able to participate at a young age. Then after I moved in with my mom and my stepdad, I mean we had a fantastic six months but then sexual abuse started and that was really, really, as you can imagine, it was detrimental, traumatic.

Speaker 2:

I lost who I was as a young girl. Lost Marcy and I started to not want to live during that time, because I didn't see any way out. Thankfully, I did not act on that. And, but what I did do is I started using alcohol to cope. I was addicted to having relationships and attention from boys and then as I got older men because I thought that's what validated me.

Speaker 2:

I was very skewed as far as what men wanted, right? So it was I would I would try to be whoever you wanted to me. If I if I was interested in you, I would become anything that you wanted me to be just so you would like me. And most of my relationships were very volatile because that's what I was used to. A lot of alcohol involved, lot of screaming, fighting, then it would become physical to a certain extent.

Speaker 2:

So that's really in a nutshell what faced and obviously I expand on that in my book Chaos to Clarity but that my life was very chaotic And it wasn't until I changed my relationship with alcohol that I then begin to find that clarity. But for me, was just the norm. I didn't know anything else. And and honestly, when that's what, you know, even if you feel like that that you want that to change, you will then create the chaos if you're not having it, because if if there's any peace or quiet, it's very uncomfortable.

Speaker 1:

Yes. That inconsistency that you're so used to that if you're not finding it, you need to create it. Well, thank you for sharing this story. And I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through so much trauma to get to where you are, but I love sitting and having this conversation with you. And coming out of that upbringing and this self realization that you have now, you know, looking back, was there a single moment, maybe a conversation when all of a sudden you said this needs to change?

Speaker 2:

Well, definitely when I was young, had my moments. I remember very vivid story that I again share this in my book, I was actually, it was probably like 19, 20 years old. Because once I got out of high school, that was around eighty seven eighty eight eighty nine that's when clubbing was huge and so I started going to the clubs and I was experimenting with ecstasy and cocaine and everyone around me was doing the same thing And I was walking it's so vivid. Like it did you ever see Melrose Place where they had?

Speaker 1:

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2:

Okay. So you know how they had the the apartments and it kind of went in a

Speaker 1:

remember that.

Speaker 2:

Then there was the pool in the middle. So I'm walking down past this pool and there was a huge pane of glass and I see this reflection of myself And it was my mom. I saw myself as my mom and I was like, Oh my God, I cannot become my mother. Right? Because just the drinking and the chaos and not saving her own child.

Speaker 2:

Just I just could not become my mom. And I literally, ended up gathering all of my stuff and I left. So yes, that was a big moment for me that I knew that I had to create change. Also, when I was in college, it ended up being an escape for me. In the beginning, it was just an escape and I started getting around the wrong crowd, and I knew that I needed to create a change around that because I didn't want my life to go down that path.

Speaker 2:

And I also ended up getting a DUI when I was around 20, and I started for me that it was mandated that I had to go to the 12 step meetings, and I did stop drinking for about three months. But after that, I tried to navigate and normalize my drinking as much as I could. Definitely peaks and valleys. But I'm now an adult in my twenties. And once I got out of the restaurant business, things started changing for, you know, I started drinking a little more normal, if you will, whatever you want to call normal drinking.

Speaker 2:

Most people probably wouldn't call what I was doing normal, but it was normal. It seemed normal and I had the ability to be in a job and do those types of things.

Speaker 1:

Sure, sure. I mean, it's really hard to put your finger classified as normal. You know, I think normal is whatever you're accustomed to, to be honest. It's really a hard thing to say it's a benchmark. But so let's, you know, you came out of this, you, you had a taste of what maybe not relying on alcohol to cope so much was like.

Speaker 1:

Seldom do we come out of these things when we start to make changes with, I say, a perfect record and just be like, this works right away. How did that journey look a little bit? Where did you maybe stumble or what did you try before getting to a place that you felt was sustainable?

Speaker 2:

Yes. So I just listened to my through my twenties and thirties. It was more about having a couple glasses of wine every night. Then it was, I was involved in like that mommy culture, the wine culture. And because when you went on play dates, that's what you did, weekends with friends.

Speaker 2:

And then when I was in my forties, I made a huge decision to get in front of the camera and all of my insecurities, my lack of self love, feeling judged all the time, that all came up during that roller coaster of life because it was it was very hard because I'm trying to raise my kids. I don't want anyone else to raise my kids. I'm trying to help have them not feel that abandonment that I felt growing up. I was just overcompensating with that and then trying to go after this career. And I started using wine as liquid courage, which then, just increased my drinking.

Speaker 2:

And then it started getting pretty bad for me. Started hiding the drinking and that kind of thing. That, you know, it's an addictive substance. And I just, while I was able to navigate it to a certain degree at this point, I was using it too much. And for my story, my final DUI, I was 45 and that's when I made the decision to stop drinking because I knew that my life was, it was going, I was going to lose everything that I had built in my life.

Speaker 2:

And, for me, it was so much more important to have my family, versus another drink. So I decided at that time to quit drinking. And when I quit drinking, it enabled me to face all those demons that I had been pushing down for so very long. And I've learned so many tools and modalities to help me, through this process.

Speaker 1:

I love And now

Speaker 2:

it's ten

Speaker 1:

It's been ten years. That's great. So deciding to quit drinking is a single sentence that we can say, but actually follow through on that. It's a very long story likely. And you have something called the care method, c a r e as an acronym.

Speaker 1:

Was there something along that journey that led you to feel like you needed to create this method? And can you tell us a little bit about what that stands for?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, thank you. So as we're making these changes in our lives, once we stop drinking and we start healing and we're finding the things that we need to care for ourselves first. I mean, that's what we learn that self care, self love is priority one. And then from that, I recognized all these changes that I was able to make learning to communicate effectively, asking for help without guilt, reinforcing healthy boundaries and, accepting my worth. And so realized those changes that I was making in my life, I wanted to then give back through my books, through my speaking engagements, you know, empowering others to take back their worth.

Speaker 2:

Right? So that's that was E. So what was changing for me? How was life changing? So learning to communicate using I statements instead of you statements.

Speaker 2:

I was a very reactive person. It was always like, You do this to me. You never, you know, help me in this way, or You always treat me this way. And immediately somebody puts up their guard when you go at them in this way. They're not hearing you, and I don't care how loud you scream.

Speaker 2:

So I learned using I statements, my tone, when I spoke to someone, was very, very important. And you get so much further with someone, and allow them to have compassion or empathy for your feelings because we all have a different perspective, of what is being said or what is being done. And so that communication was so important. And then asking for help, like I felt so much guilt and shame about asking for help and I put all of that on myself. So I felt like if I wasn't doing everything then I was failing.

Speaker 2:

So I would just keep pushing and pushing and then I had all the burnout. So I was learning how to ask for help and realized that that doesn't make me a failure in any way. Helping others to know that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It's actually a sign of strength, right? And not having that guilt around it.

Speaker 2:

And then having healthy boundaries, saying that you can't do something that no is a complete sentence. How important is that? Right. Because we become people pleasers in saying yes to everything and then we are burnt out. One of the best things I love is, you know, putting on that oxygen mask first.

Speaker 2:

I had no idea about that. And now I do completely get that. I understand that right. And then embracing your worth. So finding that worth, embracing that you're worthy and knowing that nobody needs to validate you, which is something that I always look for everybody else to validate me because that's how I found my worth but knowing that embracing my own worth knowing who I am I had to go within to find that so now helping others to go within and not depend on external circumstances to own their worth.

Speaker 1:

I love the approach. I mean, one of the things you said there that always jumps out at me is asking for help is a sign of strength.

Speaker 2:

Right. Yeah.

Speaker 1:

I think so many people overlook that and don't realize it because they feel like it's actually the opposite, a sign of weakness. Now, I want to ask you because there's so many different paths around alcohol, so nuanced, so personal, and your goals can be completely different. So it's at one point, you decided, I'm sure that you thought about and maybe I'm wrong, but you thought about, okay. I'm gonna stop drinking or maybe I'm gonna start reducing or cutting back. What was that dialogue like?

Speaker 1:

What made you decide, I'm I'm going all in on this?

Speaker 2:

Well, will tell you the year prior I did stop drinking, but then I, I convinced myself that I could drink, that it was not a problem. Right. And so I did start tailoring my drinking, started cutting back. But then, like I said, with my husband had a change with his job, the demands of me with my work and trying to manage everything. My drinking got really, really bad.

Speaker 2:

And so I realized that I myself, I couldn't tailor to drinking. Had abstinence was my answer for change in my life. And so it was that just that final straw for me, recognizing that because of my history with drinking, the reasons that I drink, the genetics that are involved, the way that my brain, your brain changes when you drink alcohol. Right? And so it's not about willpower.

Speaker 2:

It was just recognizing that for me, I couldn't drink anymore. And, that was just a very, it was a hard decision. But it, it was like finally that shift for me because there's that shift that happens where you make that decision for yourself and everyone's decision is different or every reason is different. And just for me, I just kind of hit that rock bottom and I had enough proof to myself that it just was not going to work for me, that I was not able to be a weekend drinker or someone that just, you know, navigated it in way that was positive in my life at all.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, it makes total sense to me. I think it really comes down to self awareness. And sometimes it evolves and many times it evolves over experience where you think you want one thing. And after making that mistake very much in your own story where over time you got to know yourself better and you're like, this is just not gonna work for me. This is the root for me.

Speaker 1:

And I actually don't think one is more difficult than the other. It's more tailored to what the person's goals are. Some people will find that sobriety is more difficult and more extreme, whereas some people will find moderations too difficult to manage. I actually don't think one's more difficult than the other. I think it just needs to be paired with the right person.

Speaker 1:

That really comes through self awareness. Let me ask you though. So you decided sobriety.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And you already had a little bit of experience with the 12 step program. What made you sort of like evaluate that and go your own direction?

Speaker 2:

Well, I did go back to the 12 step program.

Speaker 1:

You did? Okay.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, listen, ten years ago, the only really things that I knew about and that was available to us was the 12 step program or rehab. And I wasn't at a place that I needed rehab, so what was accessible to me was this 12 step program. Today, we have so many more options and so many more, maybe even softer ways that we can navigate this journey of not drinking or moderating our drinking.

Speaker 2:

For me, moderation just was not in the cards for me. Just genetically I could not manage that. And quite frankly, if I'm being honest, like there's so much mental energy that goes into that. I just I can't I can't do it because I just

Speaker 1:

yeah,

Speaker 2:

I would think about it all the time. Okay, now I can have one glass of wine, but am I am I able to have two glasses of wine tonight or okay, I can't drink this, you know, so it was just easier for me to build my toolbox and rewire my thinking and heal from my past and just not do it at all. For me, that was what worked best.

Speaker 1:

I totally get that. That binary on or off sometimes is just easier.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

Whereas for some people, it's like this build this massive buildup that they have to hold on to for so long. Whereas they might be able to adjust their habits based on their own personality and depth of, experience with alcohol. It doesn't take up a lot of mind clutter. It doesn't take up all that mind space. So like, yeah, I I love hearing all of that.

Speaker 1:

And looking back, what belief about yourself has changed the most once you found this clarity to where you are now?

Speaker 2:

The thing that changed the most is that is that I'm worthy of love. And, I am I I'll tell you a little story. When I turned 40 years old, because the only thing, the only worth that I had was what was on the outside. Right? Because of all the things that had happened to me, I thought the only control I had of anything is just trying to be perfect on the outside.

Speaker 2:

And so when I became when I was 40, I then had this complete meltdown because I was like, oh my God, I'm going to age and I'm going to not have what's on the outside and I'm going to lose everything. I mean, sad is that? That that that I had think that I have no value to give except for what's on the outside, the package that I put together on the outside. And I today fully love myself. I'm proud of myself, and I can continue to surprise myself with my abilities that I didn't think that I had at one time.

Speaker 2:

So that is what has changed most for me.

Speaker 1:

What a great realization. I mean, the one pure and true emotion that all humans have and to come to a realization through your journey through chaos to realize that you are worthy of love. Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love that story for you.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. Thank you. It's a it's a beautiful way to live because I tell you what, when you love yourself and you have self worth, you're the best version of yourself, and then you are so much better for everyone else in your life.

Speaker 1:

Tomorrow, we'll be back with Marci, where she breaks down what the first thirty days actually feel like and how to navigate them without shame. We'll pick it up right there.