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The Noon Hour Of Madness & Mayhem can be heard live on KBEAR 101 weekdays at 12pm MST. Viktor and Peaches talk about a wide variety of topics depending on the day and you never know what to expect!
[upbeat jazz music] The noon hour of Madness and Mayhem, the podcast
Well, it's the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem. I am Peaches, and I'm back.
I'm FJ, and I'm here.
And Victor, for some reason, did not show up today.
Well, you guys had to trade days off.
Yeah, it was kind of... It's kind of funny how, uh, Victor always talks about how he has no PTO at all.
Well-
But then he always takes these days off, and I think this morning when I was at WinCo, I was grabbing one of those alive mushroom elixirs-
Ooh
... um,
I think I saw his truck leaving the parking lot.
Maybe he was getting something for his tummy?
Do you think he still has the ickies?
He, he could. I mean, it's that time of the year.
If, if it's that, uh, if it's l- if it's lasting that long,
I, I, I feel like he should go see a doctor.
I, I would agree, and I don't like going to doctors.
There was a, there was one time I, I had this really bad stomach virus, um, after I ate some spinach from one of those, uh, salad bars-
Yeah, that'll do it
... at a particular spot in town, and, uh,
I, uh, just had the, the worst, the worst exits known to man.
Yeah.
So then I go to the doctor and they're like, "Okay, well, um, we g- we're gonna need a sample."
[laughs]
So that was after two weeks of having it already.
I go to give the sample in my own bathroom.
Sure enough, it's back to normal.
And right there,
as you could probably imagine.
They just had to scare the crap out of you. [laughs]
Oh, geez. All right. That was about as stupid as the joke I heard, uh, yesterday. Uh, why is Mike Tyson anti-religious?
I don't know. Why is he?
Because he'll punch you right in the faith.
[laughs]
See? See? All right.
Hey, I like a good dad joke.
[laughs] What was the other one that I heard? Oh, yeah. What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
I don't know.
A shoe.
[laughs]
See?
S- I like the dad jokes. What can I say?
[laughs]
[laughs] There's some great humor in 'em.
I love how we were talking just before this noon hour started, 'cause I was telling you we're doing a contest on Z103 for AJR tickets.
Oh, yeah.
And you go, "Who's that?"
I mean, I know who they are. I just couldn't tell you what they sound like or, uh, any of their songs.
You don't know Burn the House Down, or-
Could you speak-
... a bang-
... English to me, please?
Or you don't know, uh, what's it called? The Good Life, or no, The Good Part. Is that what it's called? See, I don't-
See, you're not that good either
... I know a few of their songs. I know a few of their songs. Like, but you'll, you'll know when you hear them. Like, oh, okay, I've heard this before.
I probably won't, unless it was on a Punk Goes Pop or s- somebody covered it.
[laughs]
I, I'm not gonna know.
I, I, I don't think any metal band is gonna cover AJR because there's really no, uh, musicality to it.
Mm.
It's more so just like, "Hey, let's loop this sound from a computer." [laughs]
You might think that, and then GWAR went and covered Pink Pony Club. Like-
Hey, I mean, Pink Pony Club musically is not that,
not... Uh, what, what's it? It's not that, uh, n- 'cause AJR is more so dance music.
Well, well-
Chappell Roan is more so just, you know, pop.
Electric Callboy needs to cover it then.
Oh, that'd be great. I think they should. I think they would too.
Let's start a petition and send it to 'em.
Yes. I think-
Then I can figure out who AJR is.
Uh, three brothers, I think. Let me see here.
Who is AJR?
Uh, yeah, Adam Met, Jake Met, Ryan Met.
AJR.
AJR.
Yeah, okay.
Very creative name there, kind of like, uh, FJ.
I, I feel like I'm a little more creative than that. [upbeat jazz music]
It's the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem. I'm Peaches.
I'm FJ.
And me and FJ talk a lot about diets off the air, and I have lately become obsessed with just dieting, and now my, my algorithm is mostly people going, "These are the 10 foods to eat, uh, so you can, uh, lose fat and gain lean muscle" and be-
Do not listen to any of them
... be shredded by summer of 2027.
They're all liars.
You think so?
Uh-huh.
Uh, it's, it's pretty much all the same information. It's like, "Hey, if you want healthy fats, eat whole eggs, eat avocados, eat salmon, and then d- avoid cheeseburgers." Like, no kidding.
I mean, we were tricked as kids. What the food pyramid was told to us, that, that's all a lie. Basically flip it upside down and that, and that's more realistic.
So you're telling me what, what, what should be the priority?
Protein.
Okay, oh, obviously, yeah, yeah. Protein is the number one thing. Carbs, eh, like you can, you can have moderation.
You, you want, like,
good carbs.
Right. You want, like, whole grains and complex carbs-
Yeah
... which I still don't-
They come from-
... fully understand.
They come from your good veggies.
Like, like leafy greens? Is that what you're talking about?
Well, yeah, leafy greens and carrots and-
I bet the listeners are loving this diet talk that we're doing here
... they better love it, 'cause we're talking about it.
There's nothing worse than when, like, people point out the different parts of foods. Like, "Oh, I got these cage-free eggs." Like, why not just call them eggs?
Yeah, it's, yeah, it's an egg.
"I got these rice cakes that they're organic brown rice." Ooh, that just means you paid more I feel like.
And it, it, they all taste terrible.
There's a guy by the name of Juju MaFu on YouTube.
That is quite the name.
He's a fun dude. He's a s- seems like a super nice guy.
With a name like that, he better be fun.
Uh, he's, he's a strong guy too, but, uh, he, uh, talks about his diet and he has, obviously has a lot of money 'cause he's built up his platform for so many years. But he's like, "Yeah, I only eat ostrich meat and duck eggs," and he has his own garden where he grows all these different vegetables like Swiss chard and, uh, cucumbers, squash, all of it.
We n-
And it's a giant garden.
Now I feel like we need to go find an ostrich burger somewhere.
Yeah. You think... Do you think they serve any around here?
I don't know.
Ostrich-
But, but I wanna know
... ostrich burger near me
I have the feeling that nobody close has one
The first restaurant that pops up, Burger Theory.
They've got an ostrich burger?
I, I don't think so. I think they just saw... I think Google saw the word burger and was like-
Oh
... "There you go. Here's a popular burger spot-"
Google-
"... that I still have not been to"
... fails us again.
Yeah.
I haven't, I haven't been there either.
Ostrich meat isn't commonly stocked by standard restaurants in Idaho Falls, is what it says here, um, through the AI overview, so you know how reliable that is.
Yeah.
Um, if you are open to making your own, you can purchase ostrich burger patties online from retailers like Exotic Meat Market.
We might have to do this, and we might have to try some ostrich.
10 pounds of ostrich meat is $300.
Never mind.
Why is it this much? Wh- wh- why? Two burgers per pound.
Yeah, why is it this much?
Oh.
Oh, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. I see... Yeah, one pound, four burgers per pound,
four ounces each, $30
for ostrich burgers.
Th- that's a very expensive burger.
Yeah, why is ostrich... Oh, whoa. Okay. I- I'm looking here at all the different, uh, meat options they have at Exotic Meat Market.
Oh, boy.
They have armadillo meat, antelope meat, alpaca meat, alligator meat, and I'm scrolling down here, and then I see guinea pig meat. Do you wanna eat... Uh, what, what do they call it in South America? Is it cui? C-U-I?
I'm gonna tell you that most of those don't sound that great. Alligator, alligator's good.
[laughs]
I'll eat some alligator.
[laughs] I'm looking at what, what the options are for guinea pigs, dude. [laughs]
They've got more than one option?
[laughs]
Do they have guinea pig jerky?
Uh, they got something even worse.
Oh, what is it?
They're, they're called, uh, fries.
Guinea pig fries?
Rocky Mountain oysters.
Oh, no.
Uh, now you know what I'm talking about here.
Yeah, g-
Is this, is this guinea pig, then the word that I don't think I can say on the air.
Guinea pig oysters.
Fries, Rocky Mountain oysters, one set, $30. I kind of feel like-
I, I can go buy a guinea pig for $30.
[laughs] Just... Okay, I'm not gonna get too graphic here. Um, possum meat is also on here. [laughs]
They're going all out on this.
We got raccoon meat. We got... Uh, I'm just scrolling. This is, uh, the water buffalo meat, wild boar, wild pigeon meat.
Two birds, 50 bucks.
For pigeons?
Yeah, if you wanna buy six dressed birds, 150 bucks, and if you wanna buy 12 birds, $300.
They are making some money on that site-
Yeah
... hand over foot.
Oh, there's also goose meat. There's iguana meat on here.
I've heard iguana's really good.
One pound of it is $30. Why are they so expensive?
Uh, in fact, this winter in Florida, there, they had, like, that cold snap.
Mm-hmm.
Iguanas were falling out of the trees, so people were, like, going and collecting them.
Oh, right, yeah.
One guy made iguana pizza.
Ugh.
Like, he took all the meat he'd harvested and took it to a pizza joint and was like, "Hey, let's make some iguana pizza."
Dude, there's not only just regular possum meat, one, uh, one whole animal with tail for $200.
Ugh.
You can get jumbo possum, one whole animal with tail for $300.
I don't want possum. That, that doesn't... Like, they're the, uh, one of the ugliest animals on the planet. I don't think I wanna eat it.
There's... Uh, w- wait, wait a minute.
There's camel milk.
Camel milk?
And there's also donkey milk too.
Donkey...
Uh, I, I don't think they're talking about milk.
Yeah, okay, okay. Let's just, uh-
[laughs]
... let's just move on here.
[laughs] That's probably good. [upbeat music]
Well, we got distracted by looking up camel milk off the air here on the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem, and I, I, I see the description here, FJ. "A nutrient-dense, easily, uh, di- digestible dairy alternative naturally lower in lactose and cholesterol than cow's milk." What, wh-
It's g- it's gotta be healthy. I mean-
Why is it that for some reason in, in recent years, people have gotten to be like, "Oh, I don't drink just regular milk. I either need almond milk, uh, oat milk, camel milk." I've never heard anybody say they want camel milk, but-
Th- that's a first for me
... they, they, they always wanna drink, like, anything other than just regular milk.
So, uh, uh, I mean, technically milk isn't that healthy, and we're the only species on the entire planet that drinks the milk of another animal.
So almonds aren't an animal. They're, they're, they're...
You know, it's an almond.
Right.
So that is actually a little more normal than drinking cow-
But it doesn't taste good.
You're right.
Almond milk is not good. Victor's like, "Oh, it's the best thing." I'm like, "What?"
If you make a protein shake out of it, it's delicious. I've got one in my office right now.
I usually use it for smoothies because I wanna have it as a base to then make it taste better.
Oh, yeah, by itself-
Because then I, then I u-
... it's terrible
... then I use yogurt and protein powder and fruit and ice and all of that.
D- by itself it's not good.
Right. Uh, but what was I, where was I going with this? Uh, my friends play this game called Supermarket Simulator.
[laughs]
It's really funny how video games now are just mundane task simulators.
It, it's very true.
Like, they were calling me on the Discord call like I was late for a shift.
[laughs]
They, they were like, "Can you please man the register at our grocery store?" And I get in there, and y- yeah, we have a line of customers and I'm just ringing them up, giving them exact change [laughs] and all of that.
And that's all you're doing.
Sometimes they do this thing where they, uh, they tip themselves. Like, if they need, if the customer needs change back-
[laughs]
... they'll just give them, like, a f- a few dollars short. [laughs] Then the customer will be like, "This is robbery." [laughs]
I, I, I understand some simulators that are out there, flying simulators.
That one's fun, though.
My older brother plays one of them, and he loves it. He can fly wherever he wants
I have American Truck Simulator
My brother, my other brother has that one-
I- [laughs]
... and he loves it
I wanna buy the state of Idaho for that game because you can go to Idaho Falls, you can go to Pocatello, you can go to Twin-
He has it, and he drives all over southeast Idaho just to show me-
See?
... "Look, this is this highway."
Yeah.
I, I see that. Why don't you just go drive it in real life? [laughs]
In the base game you have California, you have Nevada, you have Arizona, and I think that's it, but there's a lot of the, lot of stops in those three states. And driving in California sucks because, well, I mean, the traffic's not there, thankfully, but you can download a mod to get realistic traffic, which would make just the game even a whole, even worse.
Y- yeah, why would you do that to yourself?
But then the, the top speed for trucks in California is 55 miles per hour-
[laughs]
... while everyone else is going 70. So you're that slow vehicle in the right lane just clogging up the lane.
That sounds like a miserable simulator.
Yeah.
[laughs]
I, I was, I was making fun of that stupid game where you're supposed to organize library books and put them back on the shelves and-
That's a real thing?
... put them back in order. Yeah, it's a whole, it's a $6 game where all these books are on the ground, like some tornado hit this library. Uh, y- you then have to find out which proper section it goes into, make sure it's in a, a chronological or alphabetical order, and it's supposed to be, like, stimulating. And I'm like, "Dude, this game is dumb." And then I downloaded the stupid game Leaf It Alone, where you pick up leaves. I played that game-
You're doing yard work in a video game?
Yeah, I, you pick up leaves, and at the end of the ga- I'm not gonna spoil the game, but the ending's kinda just stupid
You can spoil away, 'cause I promise I'm not gonna play it.
Yeah, but what if the listeners wanna play it? It's called Leaf It Alone.
Guys, I would like you to let us know if you're going to play Leaf It Alone.
[laughs]
[laughs] Just 'cause I'm really interested.
It's a $6 game. You, uh, pick up leaves one at a time to fill up these small garbage bags. You then throw them into the trash can, and then once you, uh, make enough money, you can upgrade how much, how many leaves you can pick up, [laughs] how big the garbage bags are. You can upgrade to a rake. You can upgrade to a leaf blower. It's still pretty tedious, but then also there are these vents that will suck up the, uh, the leaves in the game. But here's the thing: if you turn on any of those vents, you automatically just get rid of this one achievement where you're not supposed to turn on any of the vents.
Did-
So you're supposed to just suffer through picking up leaves.
Did they create this game to trick little kids into wanting to go and rake up the yard? Like-
Maybe that's the reason why they're making all these dumb simulator games, 'cause they're wanting to, quote-unquote, "train people"-
L- [laughs]
... to do these things in real life
If we can get them to like the video game, maybe they'll like doing manual labor.
Sure. Why not? Why not? With Supermarket Simulator, there's a weird product where it looks like it's a carton of milk that is sold on shelving rather than in the refrigerator. So me and my friends call it shelf milk. And there's a guy, there's an NPC in the game that sort of looks like me.
[laughs]
The, bald with the beard, uh, same kind of face, you know, uh, wears, like... He's wearing these bright yellow shorts. I don't know why [laughs] the game developers decided to give him just these bright yellow shorts with a black hoodie. And the dude comes in and only buys, like, shelf milk.
He only comes in and buys that product.
You just found your next Halloween costume.
I, I'm the guy from Supermarket Simulator.
Yeah.
Nobody's gonna understand besides you.
It's gonna be okay.
Just-
You're gonna carry around some shelf milk
... that's just a generic outfit for me in the wintertime, besides the yellow. I mean, it's just gonna be a black hoodie with-
Yellow shorts
... with shorts. Well, it's-
And a carton of shelf milk.
Sure. Yeah, what's gonna be... It, it might actually need to carry around milk around... It, it could be cold enough outside to the point where-
It stays good all day
... it stays refrigerated.
Yeah.
Maybe I take sips of it throughout the, uh, entire night. Something like that.
Mm, tasty.
So I had all these options for Halloween costumes this year, and you just a- added another one. [upbeat music]
I do what I can.
Wrapping up the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem, and I, well, of, of course, I'm Peaches.
And I'm, I'm FJ.
And I, I talked about it on the show previously how I got ordained in all 50 states.
All 50?
All 50.
Wow.
I was already ordained in California.
I'm, I'm ordained in Idaho. I felt good about that.
Dude.
But all 50.
And look at this.
The license came in the mail.
You've got it.
I got the official card.
I actually met somebody the other night who was a- ordained in the same church as me, the Church of Latter-Day Dudeism, The Dude Abides. He had a T-shirt, and I was really jealous.
Did you find out where he got it from?
The website.
Then go, go g- get one.
I'm, I'm gonna have to, but-
This thing was 25 bucks.
I, I think his shirt was, like, 50, but when I saw it, it was like, "Wait, there, there's no way. You are the first other member I have ever met."
[laughs] That's a big moment for you.
It, it was huge.
The, it says, "Minister identification," my name, ordination date, has the proper date on it. On the back it says, "This card has been issued by American Marriage Ministries to serve as an official record of Brendan's ordination. Brendan is an ordained wedding officiant of American Marriage Ministries and is authorized to perform marriages and all other congregational titles."
Man.
So there you go.
That, that's big news.
I'm kind of like, uh, I'm kinda want it... That, that might be my side gig. My friend Zach was, uh, talking to me about that. He's like, "Dude, you can make some money, I think, if you just-"
Let's start wedding people on air.
Sure. You know?
Do you wanna get married for the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem?
Do you think listeners would wanna hear that? [laughs] Just like-
[laughs]
... somebody's wedding on, on KBEAR? [laughs]
It could be really fun.
I mean, the only wedding I feel like the listeners would wanna hear kinda like is the, uh, kind of is the, uh, is, uh, Victor and Becca's. [laughs]
We're, we're gonna make that happen.
And-
I don't know how, but we'll figure it out
... I sent out a picture of the, the, the identification on Snapchat to Victor and Becca.
Yeah.
Just to, specifically to them two, and Becca said, "You're gonna have to marry me and Victor." I'm like, "Okay. Well, if you need me to. I'm already, I'm already booked for, uh, September of next year with my, one of my, one of my two other friends." They're the ones who gave me the idea to get ordained in all 50 states.
Ah.
Um, I'm gonna have to travel to Nampa in September of next year-
Man, what a great trip
... to marry these two together. They'll just put on the official outfit. Do you think... Uh, there's an official stole, too.
Re- really?
Yeah. Do you think maybe we could, I could get it and then have Star embroider, like, a peach on it?
I hope so.
Like mini, like Reverend Peach? [laughs]
Oh, that is-
Minister Peach
... is gonna happen. [laughs]
Dude. All right. Well, thank you, FJ, for joining along on the noon hour of Madness and Mayhem today. Uh, Peaches Pit Party will be here today, or we'll start, we'll be on the air today from 2:00 to 7:00, and of course I'll also be on Z103. And don't forget, FJ, you can hear him weekends on KBEAR 101. [upbeat music]
The noon hour of Madness and Mayhem is a production of Riverbend Media Group. For more information or to contact the show, visit riverbendmediagroup.com. [upbeat music]