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Our mentees have relational needs that God has designed them with. In order to meet them, we must understand what they are, and what God expects of us as mentors in meeting them. In this series we are unpacking what we call the Three As, the top three relational needs of kids from hard places. This episode unpacks the relational need of affirmation.
Show Notes
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WELCOME
You Can Mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others.
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SHOW NOTES
What are some practical ways we can affirm the kids that we mentor?
- Character: Who they are - Story of Beth and Jaiden
- Actions: What they do “Permission to grow”
- Hurts, Pains, & Experiences: What they have been through - “Permission to process and heal”
- Potential: What they can be - “Permission to dream”
Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up
- Be careful about what you say. You are in charge of your words.
- Identify a way to incorporate an affirmation into every conversation with your mentee.
- Never leave an encouragement unspoken.
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to the you can mentor podcast. My name is Steven and I'm in the room with Caroline Cash and Zachary Garza.
Speaker 1:Woo hoo.
Speaker 2:And we are continuing our series. We have titled relationships, change lives. And one of the biggest things that we wanna highlight about relationships are really relational needs. And so in this series, we're unpacking what we call the 3 a's, and these 3 a's relate to what we have determined are the top three relational needs for kids from hard places. Today's episode, we are going to be highlighting the relational need of affirmation.
Speaker 2:Affirmation is crucial for kids from hard places to be encouraged, to feel supported. And today we are gonna just kinda ask some questions and and hear more from Zach's life story of being a kid from a hard place and, unpacking how critical it is for our kids, for our mentors to understand how to affirm and to encourage and support, the kids they're mentoring. So, Zach, can you kinda just give us some vision for affirmation in a mentor relationship?
Speaker 3:Yeah. For sure. Thanks, Steven. The definition of affirmation is to give emotional support or encouragement. The kids from hard places, almost all of them have been through some extremely challenging situations or experiences that have led to many obstacles for them to overcome to become a positive and productive member of society.
Speaker 3:And as a mentor, the main encouragement that our kids need to hear is that you have what it takes to be successful. It's that I believe in you and that you can overcome the things that you've been through. That right there, every time that a mentor encourages through affirmation, that is the main truth that we want them to experience. Because as followers of Jesus, our words of affirmation speak life and truth into the heart of the child that you're mentoring. Because there is so much power in your words.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:I know for me growing up, I always heard the saying, sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Right? And I don't know if there's anything that could be further from the truth than that. Because death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. And we, as mentors, I believe one of our main jobs is to speak life and truth Yep.
Speaker 3:Into the souls of the kids that we mentor. That's good. Because for some of our kids, they might not have one adult speaking truth into their life. And if the enemy, who is the king of lies, right, as a culture, as a society, there's so many opportunities for him to speak lies into the hearts of our children that we get to kinda come in opposition of that and say, no. No.
Speaker 3:No. That's not who you are. Mhmm. This is really who you are. And I believe in you.
Speaker 3:And I think that you have what it takes to become all that you can become. Mhmm. Just think about what it would look like as a mentor whenever you're spending time with the kid that you mentor to truly be like Jesus. Like, what would Jesus say? How would Jesus act if he was spending an hour with the kid that you spend time with?
Speaker 3:What is his tone? What are the words coming out of his mouth? Whatever those are, that's what we as mentors want to strive to say. Because there truly is life in the power of your words. And I know it can be be awkward.
Speaker 3:I know it can be weird, but to put your finger in the chest of the kid that you're mentoring and say, I believe in you. You can do it, and I'm here in your corner. I'm gonna support you in any way that I can, but I believe in you. You have what it takes to become all that the lord has for you. I don't know if there's a more powerful phrase than that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. It's really good.
Speaker 3:Because it truly is like you are speaking life into that kid. And you're building him up to become a mighty man or a mighty mighty woman of Christ. Like, they can truly transform the world in the name of Jesus Christ because of the words of life that you're speaking into them today.
Speaker 1:Yeah. It's really good.
Speaker 3:I know for me, there's no way that I would be here today if someone didn't come alongside me whenever I was younger and speak words of affirmation to me because I was believing the lies that I heard from Satan on a consistent basis.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I like I like how this relational need builds on the last one we just talked about of attention and that really attention positions you in the place to affirm that if you don't give attention, then you could never give affirmation. So, Zach, can you explain why kids from hard places need affirmation so much?
Speaker 3:Sure. Well, first off, I think we all need affirmation. Mhmm. Doesn't matter if you come from a hard place or not. Everyone needs to hear that they have what it takes to be successful in life.
Speaker 3:But even more so, does this apply to a kid from a hard place? You know, if we take it back to the Bible right before Jesus started doing his ministry, he got baptized, and the Lord appeared in the clouds. And that right there was whenever we see the Lord affirming his son. He says, this is my son with whom I am well pleased. And that right there, I believe, gave Jesus everything that he needed to go off and start his ministry.
Speaker 3:In fact, after that, he's tempted for 40 days. And I believe what god his father spoke into his heart gave him what he needed to endure for the next 40 days of temptation.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 3:Because whenever you affirm someone, you're encouraging them, and to encourage someone is to open up their chest and to insert courage, and to give them what they need to overcome the things that this world presents to them. And so, first off, everyone needs affirmation, including Jesus. Right? But how much more do kids from hard places, kids who have experienced hardships need to hear it? Because what the enemy is doing is whenever a kid experiences trauma, it gives the enemy an open door to speak lies.
Speaker 3:And there's so many lies that our kids are hearing that they might hear a lie when they're 6 or when they're 8 or 10, and that lie can stick with them for the rest of their life. Mhmm. For example, if a kid's father leaves, the lie could be you're not worthy of his attention. In fact, you're not worthy of anyone's attention because you're worthless. And that lie can literally transform every single thing that he does and how he sees himself in every situation.
Speaker 3:He's worthless as an employee. He's worthless as a student. He's worthless as a man. He's worthless as a friend. Like, that can transform his life in a negative way.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so we as mentors get to come in and say, that's actually a lie. Let me tell you the truth. Let me tell you what the Lord says about you and who you are in him, and let me tell you what I see. And I've never met someone who can get enough affirmation. Right?
Speaker 3:Like, I have never heard someone someone say, man, Zach, you're you're too encouraging. Please stop. Please stop affirming me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Right? Like, that just doesn't happen because we have this need. I I mean, especially kids from hard places, you can really never get enough affirmation to fill that need. And these lies, right, the main thing that I've experienced as a kid from a hard place and that I see with other kids is insecurity. Right?
Speaker 3:Is that they don't feel secure. They don't feel that they have what it takes to be successful, and that can be to be successful as an adult or as a student or as a husband or as a wife or as an employee. Like, there there is just this basic lie that is speaking to you don't have what it takes. You are not enough, and that creates an insecurity that can play out in every area of a kid's life. And so if that right there is the main lie, you don't have what it takes.
Speaker 3:You're not enough. You aren't worthy. Then kids need to hear affirmation because it speaks directly to that lie and says, no. No. No.
Speaker 3:No. That's not true. But you do have worth, and you do have what it takes to succeed. And I'm gonna be here next to you as we figure this thing out, but I believe in you. And I'm not gonna do this for you because you can do it on your own, and I can't wait to see what the lord does in your life because you're gonna transform the world in the name of Jesus.
Speaker 3:Our kids not only want to be affirmed, but they need it. Our kids need to be accepted for who they are, not for what they do. And when you accept who they are, their identity, right, Whenever you're speaking to their identity, to their heart, to their soul, to the person that they are and how God created them, you're giving them permission to believe the best about themselves. And a kid from a hard place will say, man, I I don't believe that I can be a godly husband or a godly father or impactful or successful. But if my mentor says I can, then maybe I can.
Speaker 3:And it's like those words of affirmation, the holy spirit uses those to kinda paint a picture of what this kid's future could look like. It almost, like, gives them permission to dream because they might not have ever had that.
Speaker 2:I love this this idea of truth and lies and how affirmation is moving you toward the truth of who you are, that in a way, most people deal with identity issues their entire life, and it's because they've built things on top of a lie, like a foundational lie that's somewhere within us that we build our whole entire lives on, and then we recognize that's not true, and the whole thing comes tumbling down. Even just when you were talking, Zach, I mean, I think affirmation is we're building a new foundation Mhmm. For this kid to build on truth and not just to to build on a lie.
Speaker 3:Well, yeah. And, I mean, from the very beginning in the Garden of Eden, it's all about relationships. Right? And then what did the enemy do to ruin relationships? He spoke a lie.
Speaker 3:Right? He is the king of all lies, and he spoke a lie to try to get them to believe that there was something that they weren't. And that's what he's been doing ever since. So if he can implant a lie into the heart of a child whenever they're young, right, then that makes his job really easy because he knows that if he's got him at 5 and if this kid's going to build his life on this lie, I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes, then he doesn't really have to do too much work because the kids that lie is going to take care of itself for the rest of his life. Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so,
Speaker 2:Even even when you think about the the picture of sin being missing the mark, I think usually we connect that to doing something that's wrong, not believing something that's wrong that's completely transformed the rest of our life. And most of those things are we built our life on a lie, And that makes me feel just so much more of God's compassion for us that that when Jesus looks at people and he says they know not what they do, that he he looks at people who have believed a lie and are living out of that place with so much compassion. And and I think that that's that's just a a good place for every mentor to experience that God desires to restore the truth, to bring us back in, and and that's that's the heart of a mentor is to restore a child back into the truth.
Speaker 1:It's good.
Speaker 3:Yep. One of my biggest prayers is this, Lord, help me see myself how you see me. Right? Because so often I see myself not as the Lord sees me. And that's the prayer that I wanna pray over the kids that we mentor because I want them to see themselves.
Speaker 3:When they look in the mirror, I don't want them to see a failure or a this or that. I want them to see a son. I want them to know their true identity because identity drives everything. And this this tool of affirmation helps them figure out their true identity because you're just speaking it to them over and over and over and over, and you are helping them believe the truth.
Speaker 1:So how did you Zach, earlier, you mentioned that before you had a mentor, you didn't believe the truth about yourself. And so how did your mentor, Steve, how did he begin to affirm you? Like, at the beginning of your relationship, what did affirmation look like when he spoke truth into your life?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So my mentor, Steve, I met him whenever I was 27. And he I met him through an 8 week to stop worship training school. And from the start, he was speaking life into me. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And I'm not gonna lie, it was so awkward. Like, Steve was so quick, to do small things that I had never experienced before. Every time I saw him and the men in this the self worship training school, they would give me a hug. And as a man, I had never truly hugged another man before in my entire life. And just like that right there, like, at at first, it was weird and I hated it.
Speaker 3:Like, every time that I saw them, I was like, oh, gosh. Here it comes. And they would hold the hug just long enough to to where, like, I would almost go through this cycle of, like, oh, gosh. I hate this. This is so, I kinda like it.
Speaker 3:God, this is so nice. Right? And so one just like he every time that he saw me, it was like he was truly happy to see me. Mhmm. And I don't know if I had ever experienced that from a man before.
Speaker 3:There was so much power in that. But the second thing was just he had direct and intimate words. Like, every time he sees me. And I have known Steve now for going on 10 years. Every time he sees me, whether it's a phone or a text or a face to face, he always calls me man of God.
Speaker 3:Man of God. Man of God. Man of God. And at first, I'm like, that's dumb. Stop doing that.
Speaker 3:That's weird. Stop it. But there's been seasons in my life whenever I haven't felt like a man of God. And whenever he speaks that over to me, it does something in my heart. And it makes me think.
Speaker 3:And it kind of calls me back to my true self. Yeah. Oh, maybe I am a man of God because Steve says I am. And if he says I am, then I'm gonna sit on this and I'm gonna see what the Lord actually says about me. Right?
Speaker 3:Mhmm. And so he he would always just speak direct and intimate words. And like I said earlier, right, who doesn't like to be encouraged? Right. Like, especially from a kid from a hard place who had never experienced that before.
Speaker 3:Mhmm. I would just follow Steve around because it felt so good. It felt so good to be affirmed, and I had never experienced it before. And Steve was always intentional. Right?
Speaker 3:He's texting me. He's calling me. He's sharing who the Lord thought that I was. And that right there, that helped build the relationship that we have today.
Speaker 4:Man of God, this is Steve. Hey, just wanted to encourage you this morning. I was meditating on Isaiah 61 this morning, and I wanted to encourage you that according to Isaiah 61 3 b, that you are a mighty oak of righteousness for the display of his splendor. You will you were called to glorify the Lord. You were called to be a lighthouse in the nations.
Speaker 4:You were called to be light and salt in your generation. You are a millennial, but you don't look like a millennial or act like a millennial, you act like a son of God. Your identity is not based on your performance. Your identity is based upon who you know. You are a son of the living God.
Speaker 4:You are an overcomer. You are the head not the tail. Just wanna encourage you today to share your faith so that by sharing it you will be reminded of every good thing that you have in Christ Jesus. So proud of you, Zach. Take your mountain today.
Speaker 3:All these men who had been investing into my life since I was 14, since of the time of the drama that I had experienced. It was like they were getting me one step closer to being prepared for what Steve had for me. So, like, it reminds me of that verse. Right? Like, some people tossed the seeds, some people watered, and some people received the crop.
Speaker 3:I think I just killed that first, but every air but you guys know Yeah. What I'm saying. It was like, I bet that there's a mentor. I bet that there's a guy out there who invested into me whenever I was 15, and he's like, that was a total waste of time. But it wasn't.
Speaker 3:It's just that that fruit didn't come to bear until I was in my late twenties. Mhmm. Just know mentors, if it if you don't see fruit, that's okay because maybe you're preparing the way for a different mentor to come in the next 5, 10, 15 years who is going to collect that fruit, and you will have a reward for that in heaven, which is so cool. Steve could sense that I was hungry, and he started asking me more direct questions about my life. Like, he I remember that he asked me this one question.
Speaker 3:Like, Zach, tell me about your father. Right? And at that time in my life, it was really hard to talk about my dad because I had all these feelings inside that I hadn't processed. And I would give him my answer, and he would never give me advice. He would just ask questions to help me figure out what was going on in my heart.
Speaker 3:So he'd say, hey, tell me about your father, and I and I'd answer. And then he said, well, what does the Lord have to say about that? And either I'd answer or he would help me figure out what the Lord had to say about that through the bible. And then once that was done, he'd say, if how you feel and what the Lord feels and what the Lord says does not line up, then what are you going to do about that? Right?
Speaker 3:So, like, I would say, I have unforgiveness towards my father. Okay. Well, tell me what the Lord says about that. Well, the Lord says I should forgive. Okay.
Speaker 3:Well, how are you gonna handle that, Zach? And I'm like, I guess I have to forgive my dad. Right? And then he would help me process an action plan. Okay.
Speaker 3:Well, if you have to forgive your father, then let's talk about how you're gonna do that. And then once we would come up with a plan, he would ask permission. He would say, can I encourage you in this and hold you accountable to take action in this area? And of course, I was like, well, yeah, sure. Because I wanna be more like Jesus and this is gonna help me become more like Jesus.
Speaker 3:And all along the way, right? Like, forgiving my father was one of, if not the hardest things I've ever done. But, man, it was so much easier because I had the support of Steve by my side the whole time telling me, you can do this. You can do this. I believe in you.
Speaker 3:You have what it takes. He would say that, Zach, you're a mighty man of God who can take action in this area. And I can remember the day that I met my father for lunch, and I forgave him. And I went back to my car, and the first thing I did was I called Steve. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And I, oh, man. And I just wept tears of joy because I could feel freedom. And there's no way that I would have done that if it wasn't for Steve's gentle pushing. Right? If it wasn't for his encouragement, if it wasn't for his affirmation.
Speaker 3:So what began is just some guy calling me a man of god as we developed a relationship turned into him, actually helping me become a man of god Yeah. By doing the things of god. That's awesome. Right? And by not just saying, hey, you should forgive your father.
Speaker 3:But he actually sat me down and he helped me process and he helped me come up with an action plan and he helped me stay committed and he helped hold me accountable. I mean, that was one of the most powerful days of my entire life. It's all because of what the Lord did through Steve and through his words. Alright?
Speaker 2:It's awesome. I love what you said that Steve never gave you advice. That doesn't connect to a mentor's mindset. Most mentors are like, no. That's my job.
Speaker 2:That's literally my lane. And, like, what you're saying is that Steve was asking questions Yeah. And unpacking something that was in you.
Speaker 3:Well, no. He allowed the Lord to give me advice.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:Right? Through his word and through the Holy Spirit. And there have been times whenever I've called Steve and I've been so mad at him. Like, Steve, just tell me what to do. Just tell me how to handle this situation, and he won't do it.
Speaker 3:And he says, Zach, let's just wait on the Lord. What does the Bible say about that? And I'm like, I don't care what the Bible says. Just tell me what to do. Right?
Speaker 3:But, like, he's just so patient with me because he knows whatever the lord has is so much better than what he has. Mhmm. And he's the wisest guy that I've ever met.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I feel like there's just there's so much there, that I think every mentor should hear even just a a weight of responsibility to come off that we don't just need to affirm what we believe. We need to affirm what the lord believes about this kid
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And what he's speaking. And with what you said said about accountability and responsibility and the encouragement piece, that encouragement isn't necessarily just, you know, rainbows and just just being overly nice. Right. It's actually believing in someone and empowering them to do what is in them. And so I I just love that's a different kind of encouragement that I don't necessarily think we attach to that word, but really putting courage in somebody, like, that's that's like a very powerful thing.
Speaker 2:It's not Yeah. It's it's not just, you know, happy joyful unicorns. Like, I'm Mhmm. I'm literally putting courage in you.
Speaker 3:From a kid from a hard place who has been through trauma, if not traumas, and who's a child, and who maybe on a daily basis lives through some pretty tough stuff, I just can't imagine how much courage he needs. Like, for some of these kids that we deal with, just the courage to go to school every day. Right? Like, is that right? I mean, I mean, there's no reason why they should be trying to trying to be positive or trying to make it just everything it seems in this world is stacked against them.
Speaker 3:And so just just to wake up each day takes courage.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And so
Speaker 2:Yeah. And I'm sure Steve wasn't just like, well, Zach, just, you know, go forgive your dad. Like, no big deal. Like, that's that's easy. I think in a way, he acknowledges this is difficult, but it's what God has for you.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. And I believe in you, and you can do it. And I think that produces, yeah, just a a courage to do the hard thing.
Speaker 1:Zach, what are some other areas of your life that Steve brought words of affirmation into and spoke life into?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So so if you take a look at my at my life, right, like, I'm a kid who I've had some challenges in my life that, you know, because of my family and just other things. And I'm a big guy. Right? Like, I talk about that a lot.
Speaker 3:And on the outside, it looks like I have, like, all these tools to be to to be a man's man. Right? But on the inside, for the longest time, I was so scared and insecure. I overcompensated. Right?
Speaker 3:Like, I tried to look the part because on the inside, I knew that I didn't have what it takes to play the part. And Steve really came into my life and he he let me know that I had what it took to be a man. Like, I can re remember in my early twenties and my late teens, people being like, yeah. I'm gonna be a man's man. You know, like, dude, act like a man.
Speaker 3:And I'd be like, yeah. But on the inside, I'd be like, what does that mean? Like, I don't know what that means because I have never had anyone show that to me. And Steve helped show that to me, and he helped kinda give me permission to figure out what that looked like for me. I had no idea how to steward my emotions.
Speaker 3:Right? Like, because of my past, I had so much anger and so much hatred and I had trust issues and I would lose my temper at the drop of a hat and just all of these negative things that were keeping me from becoming who God had, or what God had for me. Steve helped me learn how to steward those. He he gave me permission to go to counseling. Like, Zach, it's okay.
Speaker 3:Because in my mind, I was like, man, only severely jacked up people go to counseling or it's not okay for a man to go to counseling. It's not okay for a man to cry. Like, there was a season in my life where I didn't cry for over a decade. I just held in all of those emotions. But seeing Steve cry gave me permission to cry and to handle my emotions in a healthy way.
Speaker 3:Steve let me know that I had something to offer. Right? Like, he helped me figure out my gifts and my strengths and how I'm wired, and he gave me a vision. Helped me figure out that I might actually have a lot to offer. And I'm not like the smartest cat out there, right?
Speaker 3:Like, I'm not gonna go to Harvard and, like, figure out how to build a spacecraft or anything. But, like, I'm not dumb, but I didn't know that till I was in my late twenties. Like, I I honestly thought that I was dumb because in high school, I made a 2.3 GPA. And just somewhere along the line, the enemy spoke that lie, Zach, you're not smart. And Steve came and said, that's actually not true, Zach.
Speaker 3:You are smart, and here's what I see in your life that shows me that you're smart and that you have something to offer. Steve helped me develop a plan and a purpose for my life. He he helped me dream for myself, which I had never done before. Like, I I had never even thought of the concept of Zach, what does it look like to be a good husband? What does it look like to be a father?
Speaker 3:I was just going through life just one day at a time, and he helped give me a vision for that. I mean, Steve helped me come up with the concept of the nonprofit that all of us work for. And, like, they're and this sounds terrible, but I, as a child, I never felt loved. I didn't ever feel like anyone cared about me. And really, Steve was the first person in my life who I tangibly felt cared for me, that I felt loved me.
Speaker 3:And that made a huge impact on me. Because not only did I feel loved, but I felt worthy. I felt like I mattered. I felt like I had a place at the table. And he kinda helped me see myself how the Lord sees me.
Speaker 3:He taught me how to truly follow God, how to pray, how to read the Bible, how to be a good husband, how to be a good father. Like, whenever me and my wife, Sarah, first got married, when things didn't go well, the first person I called was Steve. I don't know what to do here, Steve. Help me. And one of the best things that Steve does is he lets me into his life.
Speaker 3:Like, he'll say, hey, Zach. I just got back from a date with my child. This is what we did. And it's like him letting me into his life and how he fathers and how he husbands. I don't even know if that's a word, but how he treats his wife, it gives me ideas.
Speaker 3:And, like, 90% of how I treat my wife and how I treat my kids comes straight from Steve. Like, I follow his ways when it comes to spending time with the Lord, when it comes to how I treat Sarah, how I treat my children. He gave me the tools that I needed to believe my identity as a son of the most high king and as a man of God.
Speaker 1:That's really good. I think something that just working with you that I've noticed, and you can obviously speak a lot more into this. But just none of those things that you learned from Steve was just a one off comment. Like, it was purposeful repetition of, like, every single time you talk to Steve, the intro is man of God. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And
Speaker 1:just this purposeful and intentional, repetition of how to follow the Lord and your identity and these things that over a decade, you have heard over and over and over and over again. And I just think for mentors, that's an important Yeah. Just reminder of, like, every single thing that you say matters. But when you repeat and repeat and repeat and continue to speak the identity over this child, you know, that has a lifelong effect.
Speaker 2:Yeah. One of the things you said was that you didn't feel loved by the people around you until you met Steve, and I I I know people loved you.
Speaker 3:Yes. For sure.
Speaker 2:But did you actually feel that? Did you experience that love? And I think affirmation is a great way to help people experience what we feel about them.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And and so, I mean, I I just think that that's that's huge.
Speaker 3:All of us know, especially people who are older, You know, like, I have heard older men say that my father loved me, but I never heard it. And how much of an impact that had on them. Right? It's one thing to feel something about someone, and it's a totally different thing to say it. There's power in your words.
Speaker 3:It speaks life. It speaks truth. And, like, Steven, I can love you all day long, but it's a totally different experience when I look you in the eyes and I grab you by the shoulders, and I say, Steven, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:You're doing a great job. And if I say that once a week, once every 2 weeks, once a month, like, I believe that the Lord is going to take that, take your intentionality, take your efforts, and just magnify those times 10. And you might not see fruit. You might not see fruit this year or next year, but I promise you the Lord is faithful. In one day, that kid's gonna look back and say, man, no one's ever been proud of me.
Speaker 3:Wait a minute. I had that mentor that one time. And you have no idea what the lord's gonna do with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah. It's really good.
Speaker 3:Why don't I flip this back on y'all? Like, what are some practical ways, that you guys have seen that, like, we as mentors can affirm the kids that we spend time with?
Speaker 1:Mhmm. One of the things is just affirming their character. So actually who they are. We had a kid a couple weeks ago and a and a grade coach who he kept saying over and over, I'm so dumb. I'm a bad kid.
Speaker 1:I'm not smart. And this coach, every time she heard him say that, stopped and said, that's not true. You are smart. You're a good kid, and you can do this. And then he was playing basketball, and he missed a basketball shot, looked at her and said, I'm so stupid.
Speaker 1:I'm a bad kid. This is terrible. And he goes, wait. I'm gonna stop saying that. I am a good kid.
Speaker 1:And it was just this moment, this little light bulb moment for him recognizing this person has repeated over and over. I'm smart and I'm a good kid. Pretty simple things, but has she kept identifying those things in him. And in a moment where he just even a passing moment of missing a basketball shot of saying, I'm so stupid. He was able to realize, no.
Speaker 1:That is not true. And he he started to rewrite the script for himself too, which I just think is Yeah. Really awesome. It's awesome.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I think affirmation definitely disrupts
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:The unconscious rehearsing of lies.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And just the negative self talk.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It's awesome. I I think that really, when it when it comes to affirmation, giving people, yeah, just just an experience of truth can really change change their outlook on their own person and their own self image. And, in a relationship, someone says man of god over and over and over again over our life, eventually, we'll take that on as an identity that I am a man of god. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I think the same is true when it comes to the when character is put into action Mhmm. That when when they do something that is worthy of praise, that we would actually say something about it and affirm that and give them permission to grow in those things. And so if a if a kid does something that we really value and think that's setting them up for, a successful future and that if they continually, like, repeat this action, we believe that they would flourish and others would flourish around them. Really, just like when we see the kingdom of god in them, we call it out. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:We say that is what life is, and and so I I really think that that's that's powerful when we give kids permission to grow. Well, Anne, the opposite of
Speaker 3:that too, Steven, is when you see them doing things that aren't of god. Right? Like, let's say you see a kid making fun of some other kid. Instead of being like, hey. Stop it.
Speaker 3:That's bad. Say, hey. That's not who you are. You're a man of God and a man of God does not tear people down. Instead, we build them up.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. It's really good.
Speaker 3:And, like, you're calling them up instead of calling them out. Mhmm. And, like, just like you can encourage them when you see them doing something right. We encourage them whenever you see them doing something wrong as well. Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And you can use that as a teaching moment.
Speaker 2:I I think it is interesting when you think about affirmation in in terms of a a child's emotional language that as we meet with kids from hard places and we affirm their experiences of pain and hurts and just that we we are giving them an emotional language. And so if most kids from hard places don't actually recognize how traumatic their experience is. And that if if really one of the things I've heard Zach say over and over and over again are questions to unpack how a kid feels or how they experienced something. And so if a kid said, I hate you, and we ask the kid, well, how did that make you feel when he said that? I I I just really feel like affirmation is also allowing kids to unpack how they feel, and we can affirm how they feel, but also affirm the truth and give them we're we're giving them permission to process and heal their from their experiences.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean, like, it's the kid who comes into our program. And one of my favorite questions is, hey. Tell me about your family. And we had a kid come into our program one time, and his mom had passed away. He didn't know his father, and he was staying with his with his grandma.
Speaker 3:And as he's telling me that, I just was able to repeat back to him what I heard. Like, so what you're telling me is your mom died and you don't know your father, and now you're staying with your grandma? And he's like, yeah, sure. And I said, man, that sounds really hard to me. How does that make you feel?
Speaker 3:And it was like the first time that he had ever been given permission to, like, stop and think about what he lives in on an in a day in and day out basis. Mhmm. And he was like, man, that yeah. That's yeah. That's and he he just didn't know how to answer it.
Speaker 3:But, like, for the next season, I I was able to kinda pull him aside and kinda help him process those feelings because for the kids, like, kids don't know that they're living in trauma. Like, kids don't know that they're normal isn't normal. And so you as a mentor, you have an opportunity to come alongside them and kinda give them permission to experience that and to mourn and to to say, hey. That's that's not how it's supposed to be, and that's okay. And that doesn't mean that your whole life has to be like this.
Speaker 3:Here's hope and here's a future, but I'm gonna sit with you through this and help you process and give you an opportunity to heal and to teach you how to heal. Right? Like, so many of our kids, they just need to learn how to talk about their stuff. They just need to learn how to process it. And, yeah, as they get older and when the time's right, maybe they do go to counseling or maybe they do go through a specific program to help them deal with their stuff.
Speaker 3:But the least that we can do as mentors is just give them someone to talk to and give them permission to say, yeah, that does suck. Mhmm. And just to see what the Lord wants to do with that. The verse that kinda comes to mind there is, like, we're taking what's in the darkness and we're bringing it into the light. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Because
Speaker 3:in the darkness, the enemy lies and there's all this bad stuff. But when you bring it into the light and you start talking about it, the Lord's there and he can show up and he can do what he wants to in that. Mhmm.
Speaker 1:So That's good. And I mean, Zach, you when you were talking about Steve, we've kind of walked through all of these things and just how Steve did that. And Just through processing and healing, you can also affirm a child and their potential and speaking identity over them. And like, you're saying that Steve called you a man of God. You're like, what?
Speaker 1:That's
Speaker 3:not me. That's not
Speaker 1:me. But he's speaking that over you because he sees that potential in you. And then, you are able to process and heal and learn more and end up walking in what it looks like to walk as a man of God. I don't know. I think it's just important to give kids permission to dream for their future, for their identity, for their future families.
Speaker 1:Some of the kids we we always say this. Some of the kids that we work with, but like, they don't have fathers at home. They've never seen a good example of a father figure. So maybe they've never dreamed about what it looks like for them to be a positive father figure. And you give them permission to dream about that and to think about those things.
Speaker 1:And you can affirm those things in them when you see them or hear them talking about what they desire. You have the opportunity as a mentor to to pause on that moment and say, yes. Let's dream about that. Let's I wanna hear more about it and let's talk through what that looks like. And just pull out all that God has for them because it's in them.
Speaker 1:Mhmm. But as a mentor, you have an opportunity to help draw those things out and to bring those things to light so that they are walking confidently in who the Lord has desired them to be.
Speaker 2:So, Zach, as we kind of wrap up today's episode, I'd love if you could share more about the symptoms of a of a kid who has not been affirmed. So what what kind of are some telltale signs?
Speaker 3:I know for me in my life, there are a lot of symptoms of not being affirmed. For example, I didn't take risks. Right? Like, I didn't ask out a girl until my senior year of college because I was so terrified that she would reject me because all I have felt my whole life was rejection. I didn't go to parties.
Speaker 3:I didn't go to my homecoming, my senior year because I didn't wanna risk asking a girl out and getting rejected. I constantly lived in this fear that no one wanted to be with me. I can remember my freshman year of high school. This will show how old I am, but we all of my friends and I, we got got a pager. And I was so scared that my friends were doing things without me that anytime I kinda got this feeling, I would page them, like, over and over and over and over because I was so terrified that they didn't wanna be with me because no one has ever said, Zach, you're worth being with.
Speaker 3:I constantly doubted myself in school and in my professional life. No. I kinda told that story of me not knowing that I was smart until I was almost 30. I was lazy because it didn't matter how I performed. If I brought home a 50, there wasn't anyone there to say good job.
Speaker 3:If I brought home a 100, there wasn't anyone there to say good job. Like, if I was to receive the same response no matter what, then why try? It it was almost like no one affirmed that I had what it took to make an effort. And I was isolated, which is a protection mechanism. I was so tired and so hurt and so scared of being rejected.
Speaker 3:It was so painful that I would rather be isolated than go through that potential pain again. And I had this inability to fail. Right? I say, have a $500 reaction to a 5¢ problem, which meant that I just lost it whenever I failed because I believe that love was tied to my performance. And if I failed, then people wouldn't love me.
Speaker 3:So even though it looked like something small, I would react big because it was tied to love and I wanted nothing more than to feel loved. So just those are some of the symptoms that I have experienced and that I've seen in my time working with kids from hard places. I've seen this play out over and over and over and over. And so this isn't all of them, but these are some of them. Yeah.
Speaker 3:But the main thing is just not putting yourself out there. It's fear. Mhmm. Right? Fear that I don't have what it takes.
Speaker 3:And if I try and fail, then it's only going to reinforce that lie. It's almost a self fulfilling prophecy. Zach, you don't have what it takes. Oh, but I'm going to try this one time. And then if I failed, it was like, see, Zach, I told you you didn't have what it took.
Speaker 3:And now you look like an idiot. And I'm like, oh, you're right. That feels terrible. I'm never gonna do that again.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And insecurity, lack of self confidence Fear. That's, yeah, that's a lack of affirmation.
Speaker 3:And that right there, insecurity, fear, all of that stuff was the foundation that my life and everything in my life was built upon. Mhmm. Until someone came out and said, that's actually not true. That's a lie. Here's what God says about you.
Speaker 3:Here's what I see about here's what I see in you. It's awesome. And just to just to kinda close this out, guys and girls, as you mentor, I know it might seem weird. Like, I know it's awkward to give a kid a hug and to look into his eyes and to say, you have what it takes. I believe in you.
Speaker 3:I'm proud of you. The only way to get good at it is to practice. Mhmm. And, yeah, it might feel awkward. It might feel weird, and you might not feel sincere.
Speaker 3:And if that's the case, I encourage you to take that to the Lord Mhmm. And say, God, I believe that if Jesus Christ was with this kid, that's how he would act. I'm having a real hard time doing that. Can you show me why that is? And let the spirit kinda guide you through what's keeping you from being like Jesus.
Speaker 3:Say it like, I know you're like, I'm saying this a ton. This kid's getting so tired of me saying it. Like, just say it over and over. Like, Steve's been calling me a man of god every time I talk to him, which is each week for sure for the last decade, and it still has an impact on me.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 3:And how much more of an impact will it have on the kids who aren't who aren't even 18 yet. Right? And just encourage them, affirm them, open up their chest and insert courage. You can do it. I believe in you.
Speaker 3:Be their biggest cheerleader. And when you see them doing an action that is good or bad, be intentional to step into that space. Hey. When you picked up that piece of trash, that was awesome. You sure were, servant.
Speaker 3:That's great, man. Keep on doing that. Or, hey. When you messed up, that's not who you are, and I believe that you're better than that. So let's act like it.
Speaker 3:Let me help you. Right? Asking questions, not giving advice, and just affirming that you're happy to be with this kid. Man, I'm so glad I'm your mentor. Thank you for spending time with me.
Speaker 3:When you see them, be excited. Have a smile on your face, right? Giving them attention by your presence is huge. The next step is to affirm them and to speak life into them, speak truth about who they are, who God says they are. This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.
Speaker 3:If Jesus needed to hear that, how much more do we and our kids need to hear that? And give them permission and help them figure out how to see themselves as the Lord sees them, which is as a mighty child of God who has a seat at the table and who's full of potential and who's a world changer and a history maker. And speak that over them. And if they hear it over and over and over, you might look up in the 20 years, they're actually transforming lives. They're actually changing the world.
Speaker 3:Because you never know if the kid that you're mentoring, you never know what kind of impact God is going to do through them.
Speaker 1:Thank you everyone for listening to the You Can Mentor podcast. We hope that you've been encouraged and, excited about this series. We have one more episode left where we're gonna be talking about the relational need of acceptance, so tune in next week for that. If you found this episode or this series or this podcast in general encouraging, share it with your friends, get the word out. We've been really excited about it.
Speaker 1:So we hope that you have too. If nothing else, we hope that you take away this. You can mentor.