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"Nima, I’m ready to master my two anxieties. Please send me your private calendar link.”
A conversation about what challenges men— in love, in sex, and in money.
Hey, hey, hey, another episode of the Manxiety podcast.
And this one is about something very frustrating to a lot of people.
And I've been in conversations with so many people in our Cycle Breakers community and
beyond, those that are reaching out and DMing me and giving me emails and sharing your
backstories.
I really appreciate it.
I read all of them right now at this stage of the game.
I have the capacity to read all of them and they really help inform the content that I'm
making.
So keep it up and keep up your questions.
And I have one right here that I wanted to share with you.
It's about this anxious avoidance cycle.
And it's a pattern that I see in a lot of people.
And on today's episode, I want to dispel the myth and I want to really share with you how
to get to the bottom of this exhausting push -pull dynamic that
So many people are going through and they don't even know what it is and they don't even
have the language to put to it.
So the anxious avoidant dance is kind of like a really, how do I put this?
It's a really cosmic, it's a twisted cosmic game by the universe.
that we find ourselves in relational attachments.
And it's not just romantic in most relational attachments.
In insecure relational dynamics where it's kind of like a cat and mouse game, where
there's a deep desire for connection.
But what happens is there's an unconscious polarity that runs the universe.
There's polarity that runs the universe.
And this unconscious polarized dynamic
is what creates initial magnetism.
And the thing that creates that initial magnetism in the beginning, once there's a moment
of depolarization, which I'm gonna explain to you as we go, all of a sudden, now it's a
completely f***ed up dance, and it's frustrating, and it's anxiety producing, and you'll
lose sleepless nights over it, and people get divorced over it.
And what the, it's what I call unconscious polarity.
Polarity is a law of the universe.
It's the yin and the yang.
It's what creates magnetism.
And what happens is there, we have anxious parts to us, anxious attached parts to us, and
we have avoidant attached parts to us.
This is a polarity within us.
There are two anxieties that every single human being,
is confronted by because of the childhood dynamics.
One part of us, because we had this experience of feeling sense of abandonment,
energetically, emotionally, physically, from a parent figure, that fears abandonment.
So we have this one part of us that fears abandonment.
And then we have this other part of us that took on responsibility, took on the lion's
share of emotional...
labor, had to feel like they were parentified or had to feel like they were taking care of
everybody, taking care of mommy and daddy's emotions, or were kind of like what they call
emotional incest, where you became kind of like a surrogate partner to your parent of the
opposite s*x because they were going through a divorce or whatever.
This part of us has a fear of engulfment.
Engulfment means consumption.
fear of overwhelm, fear of being eaten alive, okay?
So these two warring parts within us, the fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment
are within our system.
You either have an awareness of them and you know how to work with these energies, which
most of us don't, because we haven't been taught, or they get buried in our shadow.
And those that have, and we truthfully, we all have both parts to us.
But those that identify as anxiously attached, they're the ones who are constantly looking
for connection, preoccupied, you know, is he gonna text me?
Why haven't you texted me?
I need you to tell me, constantly looking for reassurance.
If you don't, you think that they're running away on you or you're gonna be left alone.
The part that this fear of abandonment shadow has taken over.
Those are the people who have anxious attachments and the extreme example of those are
called love addicts.
Okay, love addiction.
Okay, my ex, the reason why I'm telling you this is because I had to unpack my last
relationship which was a trauma bond and my ex had a love addiction.
Okay, now here's the neat thing about polarity.
Number one, there's a polarity within all of us.
So we have one part that has a fear of abandonment and then the other part that's the fear
of engulfment.
The part that felt overwhelmed with responsibility, had to look after everyone else's
emotions.
This part of you just didn't ever have your emotional needs met by parent figures that
really understood you.
So you got the message that, you know what, sharing my feelings, it's not gonna, or
telling you how I feel, it's not gonna get me anywhere.
So I'm just better off becoming an island and dealing with this sh*t on my own.
We all have a part to us.
Now, some of us who identify as avoidant attached have this anxious attached part, but
it's hidden within our shadow.
Does that make sense?
Those of us who are anxiously attached, constantly looking for...
connection, connection, more, more, more, more.
You're not texting me enough.
Why aren't you calling me enough?
Why aren't you love bombing me?
Why aren't you telling me I'm amazing?
Do you love me?
Do you care?
You don't care about me, do you?
That's the anxious attached part.
Has the avoidant fear of engulfment part hidden in the shadows?
The avoidant parts, which are constantly seeking space.
I need space.
I need space.
Can we slow this down?
Ooh, I don't want to get overwhelmed.
These parts of us have anxious attached, deep buried in our shadow.
Okay, so why is this important?
Because what happens is if we don't do the inner work necessary to be able to face and
feel and become present to these younger parts of us that are in our shadow, what happens
is they get acted out in relational dynamics.
And you meet somebody,
And immediately there is an unconscious polarity that happens, unconscious polarity within
a trauma bond, especially if there's a, you you're in a place of, you know, you're down,
you're going through some grief, you're going through a breakup and lo and behold, you
meet this person who now is like the light of your life and is like your rescuer.
Every trauma bond begins with a co -rescuing operation.
Damsel in distress, who just got
hurt because of the narcissistic ex goes on a date and starts talking about her victim
story constantly.
You haven't really healed from it.
And you just talk about how your ex is a narcissist and poor me, poor me about your ex and
you haven't really worked through it.
Or you just went to a talk therapist and vented or vented to all of your friends and they
all said, girl, he was no good for you.
And so this victim hood that you haven't yet gotten over
you then, when you meet the other person, you attract a rescuer type.
Does this make sense?
Okay, so the damsel in distress, those people who ask the question, why do I keep
attracting narcissistic types?
One of the reasons, there's a few that I can go over.
One of the reasons,
is because if you show up wounded as a victim from your past, constantly venting about how
you're poor you, there's a certain type, a healthy man, a healthy partner, healthy woman,
healthy man would look at that and say, yeah, I wouldn't wanna go there, there's a lot of
drama.
However,
A wounded man who is, let's say you're the damsel in distress and I'm a wounded man at
that same level of wounding, you tell me about poor this other person and you're in tears,
now it activates my hero complex, my savior complex.
A healthy guy would be like, you know what, this is a lot of work, you got some work to
do, see you later, call me when you're ready to open your heart.
Whereas,
One who is wounded and needs some sort of a purpose is gonna see you as a project, as a
wounded bird to fix.
That was me before.
My relationship, my last relationship began as that this is why I teach this now.
If you don't, haven't followed my, if you're not following my work, you're new to my work.
I'm a retired chiropractor who exposed, who was unknowingly in a trauma bond with a push
-pull dynamic for four years.
not knowing whether I should stay or go, because we would keep going through this
exhausting cycle.
I didn't know what it was.
I didn't understand attachment styles.
I didn't even know what a trauma bond was until it got abusive.
We were abusive to one another.
I became physically violent.
We got to a place where the police were involved.
I was in court.
Like it was a f***ing mess.
And I had to look and go, all right, how did I get through?
How did I get
into this situation.
How can I make sure it never happens again?
And if I can do one and two, maybe I can find a partner and have a secure relationship,
because I've never experienced that before.
And if I could do one, two, and three, which I did, my commitment was to leave
chiropractic and just teach people how to break this exhausting dance.
So welcome if you're new.
So we have this anxious
part of us that has a fear of abandonment, and we have this avoidant part of us that has a
fear of engulfment, and this polarity is what's within us.
And if I am still feeling victimized by a relationship that I'm not complete with, I'm
gonna show up in a relationship with you, let's say we go on a date, and I'm just gonna be
like, my ex was this, or she was a narcissist, or he was a narcissist.
And what happens is,
I set the platform up for a rescue operation, which is a breeding ground for a trauma bond
to occur.
And what happens is, if you're the damsel in distress and I have this hero -savior
complex, which most of our narcissistic parts do, I'm like, great, I can be your hero.
And then now I'm your hero.
This is what I was.
I was the hero to my ex because she had some mental issues, some emotional issues.
She was stuck in her career.
She wanted a bridge to another career and she also rescued me.
So it's a co -rescuing operation.
She rescued me because I wanted to leave chiropractic.
I had this gift which was called the overview method and it really helped people heal
their past.
Didn't know what to do about when I got triggered, but that's another part of the story.
But I had this amazing ability to
based on all of the personal development work that I've done to shift somebody's
perception of their past and now release energetic blocks in their nervous system.
And all of a sudden their illnesses, their chronic pain, their digestive issues would be
gone and their relationships would heal, their depression would lift, their anxiety would
lift.
And so I was helping her with it and she decided to help me as well.
So she had a great business sense.
So we kind of partnered up and became this co -rescuing operation as we moved into a new
reality.
Me leaving chiropractic for this new life of teaching, her leaving her marriage, same s*x
marriage, her cafe, her s*x working.
She wanted to get out of, she was a s*x worker as well.
She wanted to get out of that and she needed a bridge.
And we just saw this was a perfect co -rescuing operation.
And here's where it gets fun.
Within six months to a year, 18 months, that's when a depolarization happens.
But before then, everything is hunky dory, isn't it?
Where you have unconscious polarity.
I was the pursuer.
She was, you know, submissively opening to me s*xually.
We had great s*x.
And the honeymoon phase goes from zero to six months or 18 months.
So there's a honeymoon phase for the first six to 18 months, but somewhere along the lines
at the six month mark or the 18 month mark of a relational dynamic, the fantasy that we
all have with relational dynamics when the s*x is amazing and it's, my gosh, and you're
pedestalizing one another and
you love yourself.
It's not like you fall in love at first sight.
You fall in love with the idealized version and pedestalized version of yourself.
That's really what happens in these trauma bonds.
Secure love is slow, measured, but in our case, boom, we moved right in.
Boom, we just started traveling together.
you're gonna move in after meeting you for one week.
These are the breeding grounds of trauma bonds.
And what happens is it's really good at first.
But there's a moment, there's a place, there's a moment where a depolarization happens.
And this is when somewhere along the line, when the fantasy shatters, there's a health
crisis that comes up.
There's an accident that happens.
There's some sort of a stressor.
There's something that breaks the fantasy where there's a disappointment.
Tell me if you understand what I'm saying.
There's a lack of respect.
There is an inciting incident that all of a sudden shatters the fantasy of what you
thought it was and now sh*t gets real.
This is the first moment of depolarization where the feminine all of a sudden loses that
femininity and she goes into her masculine, usually into more of a controlling,
usually into resentment, the lean back energy turns into leaning forward, entitlement,
anger, that kind of thing.
And the masculine who was leading, this can be same s*x couples as well.
So this doesn't exclude genders.
I've worked with lesbian couples who the exact same dynamic was going.
There was a masculine and a feminine, even in same s*x couples.
So the masculine that was leading, there is a trigger,
that happens, there is something that breaks that polarity and it becomes depolarized.
And now that trigger, let's say it's the avoidant, let's say there, a death in the family
happened, let's say there was an accident, an injury or some sort of a breakdown
emotionally.
Now that avoidant now then feels not good enough,
rejected, betrayed, and because of that feeling and not knowing what to do about it, not
having the skills to regulate, not knowing how to become trigger -proof and integrate with
these younger parts, because when you get triggered, you suffer from an age regression.
You fall back into a wound.
Every time there's reactivity, you go into a wound.
And that eight year old self of the avoidant, let's say, I'm just giving you the example.
doesn't believe that their feelings matter.
And so their only way to cope is to withdraw is to hide.
Sometimes if they have a nervous system that's really activated with trauma, they'll go
into a freeze response and they'll go numb and they'll check out.
Or there's a very, kind of big problem in today's society.
They'll go into pornography.
They'll go into video games, some sort of a distractive sedative numbness.
They'll go into drinking.
These are all coping behaviors to deal with the feelings after the trigger when they were
depolarized.
This is the second phase of the relationship.
This is when the second phase begins.
The first phase is called the honeymoon phase.
This is when the power struggle begins.
When the avoidant gets triggered, it could also happen after s*x or deep intimacy.
You know, the avoidant
feels tenderness, feels their heart opening, feels this deep care.
Holy sh*t, I could get hurt.
Holy sh*t, I could let this person in.
Holy sh*t, don't feel worthy and deserving of receiving.
There are many reasons why the avoidant will start to shut down.
And it all has to do with an inability to be with those emotions, not feel worthy and
deserving.
And so they go into a shutdown mode.
And then when they shut down their coping mechanism.
It's to shut down.
What ends up happening is as we go through this loop, this negative cycle, their
withdrawal then triggers the anxious attachment and the anxious attached all of a sudden
feels not important, not good enough, not loved and abandoned just like when they were
young.
So what's happened is that avoidant got
triggered and regressed into a wound.
And that wound, which is in what's called the shadow, which is our darker kind of like
wounded parts that we stuffed away that are behind our, not in plain sight in our shadow,
in our blind spots, these are our blind spots that get triggered.
All of a sudden the coping strategy, which is to sedate, to numb, to withdraw, because
that's what an avoidant does, because their feelings are so overwhelmed and they've been
conditioned,
to think that sharing my feelings is never gonna get me a good outcome.
I always get gaslit, they always make it about them, they always deny or they make my
feelings wrong.
There's no point in me sharing.
So I'm just gonna hide.
It's just not safe.
There's a lack of emotional safety.
And that withdrawing all of a sudden, like a cosmic f***ing twisted dance of the universe
is the exact thing that triggers the anxious attached.
of the other, of the partner.
So let's say the anxious attached woman is a common one, all of a sudden now feels
abandoned, alone, not good enough.
And that causes her to go into a coping strategy.
She gets knocked back into a wound, just went off a call with a client right now as I was
walking her through this exact thing, five years old, feeling alone when mom and dad were
completely separated because they were going through a trauma bond.
and they were separated and they were trying to work through and meet other people.
And she was sitting there as a five year old going through the divorce, feeling alone and
abandoned, just like when she was five.
And this woman, by the way, is divorced and she's got like an eight year old daughter.
So the same f***ing thing is now happening.
It's now passed to the next generation.
It's not your fault.
It just passes down to the next generation.
Here she is now after leaving a narcissistic relationship.
hugely anxiously attached with an avoidant.
And now she's like every weekend where he's not texting, he's withdrawn because he's
overwhelmed with whatever, because he's going through a divorce.
She now makes it mean I'm not good enough.
And her coping strategy is to go into criticism and blame and judgment.
Why am I not the, am I not a priority to you?
Why is it that you can't message me?
Why don't you message me?
Like, am I not a
priority for you, why don't you think about me?
Right?
And that energy from the net, from the feminine goes, she goes into the masculine, goes
into judgment, goes into blame.
And now she's in her masculine and fully activated by her anxious attached parts, which
then how does he receive it?
How do you think he receives it?
He then goes further into shutdown and then goes into further into coping strategies.
Either he shuts down,
and submits and kind of goes away or he escalates and says, you, dare you?
And then which triggers her.
And so can you see this pattern?
It's called the infinite loop of doom.
talk about this at my overview experience and I literally help people dismantle it.
It's exhausting.
The more that she pushes, the more he pulls away.
The more he pulls away the just needing space.
saying, why can't you understand?
Why can't you just give me space?
The very thing that they were attracted to in the beginning, which it was his independence
and it was her need for connection and openness, is the very thing now that they're
judging about one another.
And this dance keeps going until finally she gives up and moves on, which then activates
his abandonment wound.
And then he comes in and goes, don't you love me?
I love you.
And then he starts coming on strong, which then causes her to open up and go back in.
And then the second that intimacy happens, boom, he goes into overwhelm and withdraws
again.
And tell me if this lands or resonates for you.
And it's exhausting both for the anxious and the avoidant.
The anxious people that I talk to, the women especially, are so offended.
They're like, it's so disrespectful.
It's so like, there's this rage, this primitive rage that's reactionary that, and in
Facebook groups, you you hear people, my VA, my VA, my dismissive avoidant, my VA says so
and so.
So we go into these nasty labels and judgment.
And the thing is, that,
going into support groups and complaining about your VA who does this, playing the victim
is gonna keep you further and further and further away from healing.
And the reason why, if you're listening to this, it's because you've gone through the
therapies.
You've done the Byron Katie's and the John D.
Martini's, and you've done your personal development work, you've done therapy, and you
are ready to stop being a victim to this exhausting dance.
And you're ready to take more of a
bigger adult, compassionate look at all of this.
And so essentially, if we don't get to the bottom of the, the answer essentially is to
become trigger proof, is to learn how to expand that space between stimulus and response
and to learn how to resource those younger parts of you that you buried in the shadow,
that you pretend that you have
that you're using the relationship to not feel and to stop looking out there and to look
within and to regulate with those younger parts and master these energies of polarity that
happen within you so that we can turn this unconscious polarity and we can turn it into an
integrated conscious polarity with elegant boundaries so that what happens is when these
sensations come up,
you're able to take a pause and reflect on what these younger parts are saying in those
moments and then bring them into safety yourself.
That's the first key.
And it takes a while to master this because the second we get triggered, we abandon
ourselves.
If you don't text me back, immediately I go into, I must not be good enough.
Even though with you not texting me back, you're not saying Nima's not good enough, but I
go into the meaning of I'm not good enough.
So it's me that abandons myself and it's biological.
Why do we abandon ourselves?
Well, because as a child, when things go wrong or big emotions happen, we can't live in a
world where we're the bad ones.
It must be me as the bad one.
It can't be my parents.
I'd rather live in a world as a child, as a three -year -old, as a five -year -old, where
I'm the bad one in a benevolent world than to be the good one in an evil world.
So we are conditioned to abandon ourselves every time we get triggered.
And what happens is that emotional pain is so vast that we then look to the outside to
solve it.
And this unconscious dance keeps going and it keeps enraging.
And some people stay in this power struggle for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years until you
break up or divorce.
That's essentially what happens.
Most of the people who reach out with me to me, they give me the backstory.
They're in the power struggle dynamic and what they they're ready to break free and they
get that it's not their fault, but it's your responsibility.
One of the things people can't stand in the healing world is the word responsibility.
And so those people are not my people.
Responsibility doesn't mean it's your fault that it happened.
It means it's an unconscious dance between two people.
And when I saw this happen in my last relationship, I said, I don't care whatever distance
I have to travel, whatever price I have to pay, I have to actually learn how to heal this
because I don't want to die not having experienced secure love.
And that's when I learned the cognitive and the somatic practices.
I actually retired from my chiropractic practice and started somatic training for about 18
months, just taking courses.
I stopped working.
was like, I got to get to the bottom of this because I'm very smart.
But why is my life not a demonstration of what I know up to be here?
This is kind of like how good you are when you go out with your friend and you can
I've been watching Dr.
Nima's videos.
Here's what your problem is, but your life is a f***ing disaster.
I talked to this one person who reached out and wanted to chat and do kind of like a blind
spot session.
And she's like, yeah, I watch your videos and I tell all my friends and I know exactly
what their problem is, but her in her own life, she was not living a demonstration of it.
So knowing the work and embodying the work are two different things.
And so you have to learn how to expand that space between stimulus and response and take
responsibility for the activations that come up.
And then that's what becoming trigger -proof is all about.
And then becoming elegantly -boundaried.
Elegantly -boundaried means, especially if you're masculine, is letting the person know,
hey, you know what?
I know that you're emotionally dumping on me.
I see that you're challenged.
I have 10 minutes right now and then I got to go.
Right?
Being able to have the self worth enough to be able to connect with your body and when it
constricts and say, you know what?
You're taking up a lot of time.
have about 10 more minutes.
I'd love to hear what's going on.
I have about 10 minutes and then let's deal with it.
And then, and then I got to go.
Right.
Or.
As a woman, we're using feminine communication, which we teach, is that getting into your
body and saying, can I share how I'm feeling?
I'm feeling some fear right now.
Can I have some help with that?
Right?
And starting more of a inner sharing with your boundaries, sharing what's coming up, not
just fawning and people pleasing and bulldozing over what your body is saying.
Right?
So it really comes down to mastering the art of discernment.
This is the most important skill that they don't teach us in school, is how to discern my
wounding from my intuition.
And that can only happen when you master the art of becoming trigger -proof, which really
is all about understanding my age regression when you trigger me, understanding which
younger parts are coming up, understanding how to soothe them, how to resolve those and
integrate, which means to understand and to bring home
all of these shadow parts of me, these younger parts that I've pushed away, that are all
dug deep in, you know, the adaptations of me being able to survive my childhood, if I
don't look at them, if I don't work through them, I get to replay them in my romantic
partnerships.
And that's the way it's supposed to be.
If we don't, like, relationships are designed to bring up these younger parts.
We're not entitled to having this relationship of your dreams that's going to be out there
without first doing the inner work to resolve the relationships with these anxious and
avoidant parts within ourselves.
And once we do, we then become elegantly boundary.
I love that word.
is elegantly boundary means I'm sharing with you what's important to me.
but also keeping your heart in mind, right?
So we're afraid of setting boundaries and we're afraid of having boundaries set for us.
But there's a way of doing it in such a way where you share them vulnerably with somebody,
where you can actually see how they're gonna respond and the way that they respond to your
elegant boundaries without judgment, here's how is it elegant, you're not judging, you're
not blaming.
A boundary is about you.
It's not about what the other person's doing.
It's basically like saying, listen, I can't, I'm not available for the next 20 minutes to
a call, but how about next week?
Right?
I'm not available for that.
I even set a boundary with my son today.
It's like, no, Dominic, I can't let you tell your mother to shut up.
See what I just did there?
The boundary wasn't stop saying that to your mother.
The boundary was,
Dominic, can't let you say that to your mother.
And it's not an expectation for him to do anything.
It's just, this is what it is.
This is an elegant and really grounded boundary that's not apologetic.
It's the answer to your fawning and your people pleasing instincts.
And it's a skill that we must practice.
for the rest of our lives.
So we have to kind of get over these fantasies that the perfect relationship, I'm not
gonna have to set boundaries.
It's not gonna be uncomfortable.
It's f***ing uncomfortable to set boundaries with people.
I do it almost every day where people are like, you know, I wanna get on a call with you.
And I'm like, wait, wait, wait, hold on.
Have you tried different things?
Tell me what you've tried before.
I'm not just gonna
give my time and energy just to anybody.
I want to make sure that I'm talking to the right people, right?
So then they get offended and they, you know, then they turn on me.
And so, well, this person is kind of like showing themselves the door to our lives.
We have a very dysfunctional relationship with boundaries.
And so becoming trigger -proof, which is taking responsibility for the activations to self
-soothe and self -regulate.
And then,
communicating with really elegantly -boundaried communication, polarized communication,
after you've integrated, so that now, if you're a man, you can say, you know what, I only
have 15 minutes.
Tell me if you're able to just keep the conversation up until this point.
Or with feminine communication, you're sharing your feelings.
Can I share how I'm feeling?
I'm feeling really sad, I'm really scared.
I'm making up a story that, you know, the story that I'm making up is that, you know, I'm
a burden on you.
Can I get some help?
You know, these really nuanced forms of communication, which I love teaching and we'd
cover at the overview experience for sure.
This is exactly a skill that basically ensures that the relationships that you have are
secure.
because you're secure with you, because you have the self -worth after integrating and
then communicating, after taking responsibility for the trigger, after getting out of
victimhood, getting out of blame, getting out of judgment, and not blaming them for your
activation, just owning it, working to soothe it and regulate it and then communicate it.
These are high -level attachment skills.
You want high -level relationships?
It's a fantasy to think that you're just going to get them, We're just going to fall out
of the sky, are created through the rupture repair process.
And that's the last thing that I wanted to share is that the secure relationship is built
over time through boundary violations that are repaired.
Let me say that again.
Relationships are built securely over time through boundary violations that are repaired.
You and I, if we get into a relationship, a friendship, if I show up 10 minutes late and
you don't say anything and it bothered you, I just violated your boundary.
And you didn't let me know that that was a boundary violation.
You didn't say it in a compassionate way.
So I don't know that it's a problem.
And then I can keep showing up late.
And then all of a sudden you don't say anything.
Then one day you ghost me.
I'm like, what the fuck just happened?
Why didn't you tell me?
And then you say,
You've been showing up late the last 10 times.
Go fuck yourself, Nima.
And I'm like, wait, what just happened?
I didn't know.
I have this habit.
It's nasty.
But you didn't tell me that it violated a boundary and give me an opportunity to repair.
I just thought, okay, cool.
Right?
So can you see how nuanced it, are they right?
Am I right?
Who's right?
Who's wounded?
Well, there was definitely a wound that you're very entitled to feeling
violated for that, but can you take responsibility for that and say, hey, Nima, listen,
the last two times we hung out, you came late by 10 minutes both times, and it brought up
a lot for me.
It brought up a lot for me.
Reminded me of when I was so -and -so and I don't wanna have a relationship with somebody
who's constantly gonna be late.
Tell me if we can work through this.
I'll be like, sh*t, I didn't know.
Yes, you know what?
I have this nasty habit.
It's something I do need to step up in.
You got it.
You're that important to me.
See what just happened there.
There was a boundary violation, but you shared it with me.
I took ownership like a adult and owned up to it and said, yeah.
And then it gave me an opportunity to repair.
What if you left and you didn't tell me?
And then you went around telling everyone, Nima shows up late.
He's an asshole.
And then you're a victim.
Now you haven't gotten the lesson, right?
And I'm giving you a really small example, but this is what elegantly boundary it actually
means.
This is what becoming trigger -proof means.
These are high level attachment skills.
If we don't learn this, we just want to go isolate and just hide in the middle of the
desert and just go look, fuck, I just want to live with cats because it's just too damn
complicated to be with humans because I'm too damn, too much of a victim and too lazy to
actually pick up some
high level attachment skills.
Because when you do, the people in your life are all high level.
They are human.
They let you be human because you're not f***ing perfect either.
Neither am I.
And can we both be human together and say, hey, look, we're imperfectly human.
And so we're going to both cross boundaries.
And let's set the intention that when that happens, that we're going to talk about it.
Right?
This is the vision that I have for our cycle breakers community, that we have a community
of people that feel that they have the self -worth to speak their truth and the skills to
be able to integrate and then communicate effectively.
And they've done personal development work.
You've done the therapies.
So tell me what you get from this was hopefully this was useful.
There is a break from the anxious avoidance cycle.
There is an off -ramp.
I love teaching it.
It takes some skill, takes some responsibility.
It doesn't take you, you know, taking on blame.
This is nobody's fault, but you can upgrade.
And when you do, the people around you start to step up and those that aren't for you
eventually fall off, which is sad, but it's part of growing up and being, being an adult
is learning how to grieve well.
And so.
If this lands with you, resonates with you, send me an email, hit reply, whatever you get,
I'd love to hear what your takeaways are.
And if you have any questions or this is something that you want to see if you have a
blind spot here in the anxious avoidant dance and you have any questions about attending
the overview, the overview experience is where we literally break it down over six hours
in the first.
bit I introduced this anxious avoidant dance and then we go into nervous system regulation
and then we go into the practices of releasing that energy and then communicating
effectively and then dissolving the victim story so that you don't, this is for people who
are sick and tired of feeling victimized.
They acknowledge that they go there but they don't wanna live there and you're tired of
constantly going to a therapist and just having your story validated and reading all the
books but
finding yourself stuck in that dance and you're actually ready to break free.
Send me a message, give me your backstory.
Tell me all of the work that you've done in the past and things that have worked for you,
what hasn't worked and where the gap is, where you're frustrated.
And I'd love to hear a little bit more about it and answer some questions for you.
See you at the next Perfect Time.