Cinema PSYOPS | Cinema_PSYOPS_BozFestBonus5: Obsessive Cinema Discourse: Season 01, Episode 03

Cinema_PSYOPS_BozFestBonus5: Obsessive Cinema Discourse: Season 01, Episode 03 – Five Deadly Venoms (1978)

Join Boz, Cort & Wych as they combine their individual podcasting clan techniques to battle their way through all Five Deadly Venoms. Eyebrows are hastily glued in place, leather vest wear is left open to the navel, and assassination hangs above like a lizard practitioner of the deadly arts as the OCD podcasting clan fights for their lives with this 1978 martial arts classic.

Show Notes

Cinema_PSYOPS_BozFestBonus5: Obsessive Cinema Discourse: Season 01, Episode 03 – Five Deadly Venoms (1978)

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What is Cinema PSYOPS?

Cinema PSYOPS is a weekly film review podcast where we experiment on an impressionable mind to find out why physical wounds heal, but Cinematic ones don't.

Mr. Court, Mr. Baz, Mr. Witch, it's showtime.

Danger, danger!

Have voltage!

There is. No spoon.

Yes, there it is!

The flying guillotine is an awesome weapon.

It's not practical. It's not even aerodynamic.

But it's awesome!

Easy, Ryder. It's cool.

Yeah, it is.

Oh, yeah. They have fuel tanks the size of a P.

You'll get three miles out of that.

Okay, okay.

Could we possibly just talk about the damn movie?

Obsessive Cinema Discourse

Hello, and welcome to this week's Obsessive Cinema Discourse.

I am Baz, and this week we are discussing the 1978 film,

The Five Deadly Venoms, directed by Chang Che.

I am number one. I am the inappropriately dressed for a children's party badger.

And joining me this month as ever are my other clan members.

Court?

I am also known as number three, the Sloth, for I do not move, but am deadly.

And Witch.

I am number five, the drop bear. I shall eat your face!

I can't keep up for the whole show.

If we could, that would be glorious, but yeah, I don't think any of us could do that with a straight face for very long.

Yes. Love it.

I can only do so much random rices, let's be honest.

It's actually dub that we were doing that we're making fun of.

Yeah, the secret is everybody stared our forehead so you don't notice how out of sync our lips are with the things we're actually saying.

Yes.

I was thinking how are we going to convey this on a podcast that this is bad lip sync, so I just thought I'd put two intonations in the wrong place and shit.

If you are looking at my forehead, I'm wearing large stick on eyebrows.

That's what it is. Straight in there.

He always jumps to his notes. He's always right there ready to go.

Excellent, excellent.

So yes, this is my pick from our list of awesome films that we have.

And it's the one I wanted to do first.

This film goes back years.

I actually bought this from the States in the 90s at some point because it was the only place I could find it.

And I bought specifically a VHS player that would play NTSC.

And I ordered this with a few other Kung Fu films from the States. I think I knew Dragon Gate Inn was one of the other ones.

And it was just because I'd seen these Kung Fu trailers on the back of some other Kung Fu films I was watching because I was obsessed with Kung Fu movies at that point.

And yeah, the five deadly Venoms as I call it.

The five Venoms in some territories but has a very special place in my heart with all its faults and everything else.

What was your relationship with it? You knew to it, you've seen it before?

I haven't actually seen it before. It has been a really long time since I've seen this.

One of my roommates in college was a big Kung Fu fanatic.

And he had introduced me to a lot of the Wu Tang Clan films, a lot of the Shao brother stuff.

And actually the joy of Sonny Chiba, I owe all to my buddy Al.

But it was like the first two that I watched with him was Mystery of Chest Boxing and then Five Deadly Venoms.

That's a good stop point.

Yeah, I actually had watched Kung Fu Theater as a kid, but they never got...

Those were usually like the budget releases or the ones that were "public domain" that they could play on the TV without having to worry about being charged for it or anything like that.

It wasn't until college that I had actually seen some of the more quality ones that like the Wu Tang and like Sonny Chiba stuff.

It was usually those low budget, low rent ones like Shallan Kicks or something like that that they could just get on regular daytime TV.

But those two back to back was a revelation and turned me into a Kung Fu fanatic.

Awesome. And which?

So I remember seeing these in probably the early 90s in Chinatown in the CBD and they used to run a Shao Brothers marathon about once a year.

I think I went for about three years running and I was drunk every time.

We were small mates.

It was one of those things where we'd go and get something to eat, we'd hit a bar, we'd drink heavily.

We would go and see this and then watch movies until like three o'clock in the morning and it was just awesome.

Five Beverly Bed-Evans, Five Element Ninja, Flying Guillotine, all that stuff. Just absolutely awesome.

And it made me go, "You know what? I could be bald and still have awesome migrails."

So it was a life goal for me.

That was my plan as well so you achieve it well.

It's funny, some people used to watch Kung Fu and think, "Ah, this is a martial art I would like to do."

And I actually didn't do any Kung Fu until I was 28.

To me that fucking long to get round to it.

I've done pretty much every other martial art you can think of.

I have the dubious reputation of having tried most of them and stuck at none of them.

You tried and that's important but you're going to crack.

The rehab approach to Kung Fu where you're always a quitter?

That's the one. I like that.

Do it till you get it.

Oh no!

This one isn't for me.

I stuck at Taekwondo for quite a few years.

But by the time I found my Kung Fu which is Wing Chun, because I love Wing Chun,

I was going to a class, I was doing quite well, I was quite enjoying it.

I got my first grade but the problem was the kind of blocks and everything on the forearms.

Because I've got this kind of repetitive strain issue from my job.

If you hit me on the forearm, it stuns my hand.

My hand goes dead.

It's really annoying.

Yeah, some say, "Ah, you should just toughen up."

And I'm like, "Yeah, but I'm fat and lazy so I'm probably not going to stick with it anyway."

That's why I'm number three the sloth.

That's part of the reason why I did Kendo because you can get hit with a shinai but you're putting armour so it's not as bad.

Yeah, but you do have to run up and down the room going,

"God damn it, man, God damn it!"

That really pissed me off and that's why I quit Kendo.

I'm okay with shouting.

It's just randomly shouting with a big stick. I'm okay with.

Well that was a weird thing. I did karate and in karate you have to do the ki-ai at the end of your kattas

with your big power move at the end and I hated the shouting thing because I was really introverted, believe it or not.

So then I tried Kendo. Didn't really get on with the Kendo and then I went back to karate and then taekwondo

which have these ki-ais at the end of it and I loved fucking ki-ais at the end of my patterns.

I just put my whole soul into them now. It's awesome.

But yeah, anyway, that was a bit of a rabbit hole.

So let's lay out the plot. Now I'm going to say up front, I have a reputation as a podcaster for not knowing anyone's fucking name.

I am terrible with names and in this film I reserve the right to keep being like that with impunity.

So these are probably the only names you're going to hear from me all night.

So our plot. The dying master of the powerful poison clan dispatches his last pupil, Yang Tie, on a crucial mission.

Worried that the skills he has taught are being used to evil ends, he orders Yang to trace a retired colleague, Yun,

and warns him that the fortune he amassed from the clan's activities is under threat from five of his former pupils.

Each an expert in his own lethal combat style, Yang must discover the whereabouts and true identities of these masked warriors

and decide which, if any, he can trust to join him in his mission.

The five pupils are the centipede, the snake, scorpion, lizard and toad.

Centipede, snake, lizard and toad know each other, but none know the scorpion who always wears his mask.

Before he dies, the master teaches Yang the weaknesses of each style.

Ah, and then we go on.

He does also mention that Yang will never be quite good enough to take on the others, so gets a bit of help because of his shit.

Yeah, kill all the others, but make sure one of them joins you, so find the most treacherous one out of all of them and team up with him.

Thanks.

Thank you.

But if he casts a team up with someone in order to kill all the other ones, he's in a constant loop where he has to train someone,

make them a master and then team up that he's constantly killing, so he becomes a Kung Fu serial killer, which would be an amazing movie.

Oh, nah, sequel.

I buy that for a doll.

[Laughter]

So I thought I'd buck trend a little bit, so just a couple of points of trivia.

This has 7.2 on IMDb.

It was number 11 on Entertainment Weekly's top 50 cult film list,

and is referred to in Kill Bill, the five assassins of the deadly Viper assassination squad as a reference to the five deadly venoms.

So, there you go.

So, as usual, shall we go through the movie in a sort of loving way before we sort of pull at the threads?

That's how I have my notes, so that works for me.

Absolutely. I'm all about loving. Prison. Loving.

[Laughter]

You gotta get out the love before you get into the hate.

Yeah, it's exactly. You've got to get those endorphins kicking you in and then bitch that.

I love the opening screen to this. A Frosted Glass Productions presents.

[Laughter]

Beautiful Frosted Glass.

I love those early intro sequences, although it looks...

This is 1978. It opens like a pretty modern film, I find. It's held up really well.

Yeah, I think the work that's been done to recover these has been really good. Even the version that I've got, which is really just a cheap DVD hack version, it's really, really great.

The sounds are pretty good on it, too.

Yeah, whoever did the restoration for the DVD stuff did a damn fine job.

It's significantly better than the original VHS that I saw way, way back in the day.

Yeah. And the Amazons... I watched it on Amazon Prime here in the States, and that's even like, look like a high definition transfer.

I don't know if they upscaled it or what, but it looked incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah, I watched it on Netflix, and I also downloaded it onto my phone because I was away on holiday recently.

And I thought, I'll watch it first, get familiar with it again, and then I'll watch it another time and I'll do the notes thing, you know?

I came to watch it for the second time, and Netflix had just removed it. It's like, you bastard!

But thanks to court, yeah, I thought, oh yeah, just Amazon Prime it, and it was on Amazon Prime, and it's exactly the same print that Netflix were using.

The downside to that for me is that it is overdubbed, and I hate overdubbed movies.

I know there's a little nostalgia with the whole bad lip-sync, but it's always... the actors are always so terrible.

They're conveying of emotion and their timing, and it's like, if they did it better, I wouldn't mind.

I get that, but if you take out the overdubbed voice acting, the actual soundscape for it is really good.

You know, the fight sequences and everything else, while there's a lot of wackiness of wavehanding and strike noises, it fits really well.

Really, only the port stuff is slightly out, and I've got notes about the difference between the port stuff and the sub-tallups that I had.

There was some interesting deviations.

You often find that, somebody did the script for the voiceover, someone else did the subtitles, and then you've got dogmatic and idiomatic translation differences and all that kind of stuff.

You can't get some hilarious results.

I actually have a fondness for the dub voice stuff, because I get to the point where I start to recognize dub voice actors from watching so many of these films.

The Italians, you always have certain voices that will always repeat, and then some of those crossover into the Spanish films when they're dubbed in English.

But all of the Shaw Brothers stuff, and a lot of the Kung Fu stuff that was coming out of China and Hong Kong and all of that, they have different voice actors, but they're all the same within that group.

So all of the English dub voices are the same, and you start to see where they continue to use the same actor as the hero and the same actor as the villain in everything who does the voiceover dub.

And I even recognize the thing that's great is one of the five Venoms, as soon as he started talking, I was like, "Oh, he's clearly a villain."

He's going to be the bad guy in the piece.

Because I was like, "He sounds like the guy from One Arm Boxer."

I was like, "I knew it."

It's like the master of the flying guia team, the guy who dubbed Jimmy Wang Yu's voice is the same guy who did Lizard, who ended up helping out at the end.

You know kind of spoiler alert?

So as soon as that guy started talking and it was Lizard, I was like, "Oh, so he's going to be the guy that teams up with him."

I started figuring out the plot again, just by the voices alone.

It started like, I felt it that way.

And it's one of those things that you can kind of tell, and it almost spoils kung fu movies when you listen to the dubs and you get so used to that.

Yeah.

It's funny in Spain, they overdub everything at the cinema.

So they have their own Tom Cruise and their own Christopher Walker.

I mean, that was a bad choice.

But you know what I mean?

The same people play the same people in films and that's their job kind of thing.

But I still hate it.

I think if an actor's gone and they've gone and acted and they've put their voice down, then it deserves to be heard.

Even if in, I think it's on back, there's a girl in that who has the most annoying voice on the planet.

I would still rather hear her voice than the overdub version.

It's just one of my little bug bears really.

Yeah, there is that.

The problem is that it's when you hear it in its native language and you go, "No, you don't seem like that."

But the first time I heard Chae Young-Fat actually speak, that completely ruined me.

Because I said, "Okay, no, no, that's not you."

Was that like a Mike Tyson type scenario where his voice was far less masculine than what you were expecting?

Yeah, mostly.

It's just like, "No, you're the killer."

I thought that's what you were getting at.

Yeah, it's like, "You're the killer. You're awesome and now you're..."

And his voice...

If someone overdubs hard-boiled, then the voice they put on him is very, "Hey, you're over there."

And Chae Young-Fat's real voice is much more nasally than that and he doesn't sound like that at all.

You're like, "You're such a badass, but you don't sound like one."

You just made me sad.

So our film opens with a man stewing himself in a large pot with talcum powder in his hair.

And he basically basil expositions the entire pre-plot for like 10 minutes.

So he's in a large pot of dry ice on my head.

Yes.

His look is basically what informed my choice for beard for the rest of my life.

I was like, "Yep, gonna do that."

Yeah.

Do you throw talcum powder in yours?

Oh, all the time.

Oh, okay.

That really smells nice.

He used to do corn starch, but that attracted way too many people.

[Laughter]

So at this point my assertion starts that this is actually a horror movie.

And the music and the walking around the old dusty training areas where they were,

they were all dragged through their, you know, different styles.

It's actually really quite creepy.

You've got little titles popping up.

This is what I meant by it looking modern.

A lot of these old films would have been just like drums banging and flashing names on screen

and you'd have had that for 10 minutes.

But this actually, they put the titles over them walking around.

So it's almost like they, that forward ding to us where we've got this short attention span.

I don't know what's titles.

Well, it was a training montage.

Let's be honest.

It was the stock standard action movie training montage.

But right at the very start of the movie and slowly.

Now, I've got a note about the music.

And well, I love it because it is massively dramatic and everything else.

But the action, unfortunately the action music,

all I heard was the version of once a person in holy grail where they used that music.

And it's done to them.

Yeah, no, that day.

The, the bit with particularly the training one, there's a,

[singing]

I had five people.

It took me completely out of it.

The film itself is essentially a heist film with incidental kung fu.

It's more about getting this lost treasure and doing either good or nefarious things with it.

And it just so happens that instead of, you know, having a gunfight at the okay corral for this lost gold or the treasure of the Sierra Madre,

they're fighting it out with their various styles to defeat each other to decide what's going to happen and figure out what's going to end up happening with the Klan's legacy.

Because it's a fight for essentially the Klan's honor and then also some kind of winnings that one of the guys had.

Yeah, or at least that's what I could figure out from trying to follow it.

See, I'm not sure it's the Klan's honor because let's be honest, it's the poison Klan.

You know, they're not doing like toy runs.

It's the five is the poison plan pet food run this weekend.

Okay, so I'm like a dog.

If they're the poison clan though, and like they're all supposed to be bad,

then why does the guy care that all the stuff that he taught these guys is being used for evil because they're supposed to be evil all along?

Like I don't understand that.

Well, I can't read it, but I mean, look, if you're willing to sit in a tub full of dry ice, who fucking knows?

He's probably headed in scone.

We're definitely out of the love section, then I take it.

Oh, no, no, I do. I do love this movie. I love it with all my heart, but there's so many questions.

There's so many things about it.

Well, it's definitely like just to give back to the love for it.

It's definitely one of the better produced Shaw Brothers films that I've seen and it as Bos had mentioned,

it doesn't feel like a film from the 70s at all when you're watching it again.

The physical, the physicality of the people in the film, the things that they're able to do, the flips and all of that,

as well as the way that they film the martial arts photography, it's still pretty incredible.

Now, this is from the era where they slow down the moves so they could actually catch it on camera.

This is a free Bruce Lee before it was like, nah, forget it, you don't need to see it, you just need to see the devastation.

You just need to hear the noise.

Yeah, but then some of these guys probably weren't as fast as Bruce, who literally could go so fast film couldn't catch him.

Yes.

Well, the training sort of, he's the opening montage where he explains each style.

So we get a little, there's a picture of the venom on the wall with centipede or whatever,

and then the guy in his mask with his training aids to show you what it is he can do.

So it starts with the centipede, the centipede on the wall, the centipede's very quick,

and he's unassailable in a Greek restaurant.

His plates are fucked.

Yes, he really hates crockery.

Yes.

Let's be fair, all of these guys are not fans of ceramics.

That's true.

Well, the lizard hates candles.

He hates lit candles, he just wants them out.

Badass at a birthday party.

Don't ever take him to your birthday party because you'll never get to blow out your own candles.

And you won't be able to see him coming because he'll be up the wall before you can even get there.

See, in my subtitles, he was actually the get-it.

That makes more sense than the lizard, doesn't it?

Well, yeah, that's...

Yeah, he's a good old fine wolf, but yeah, he was the get-it.

Now, I need to talk about the toad.

Right.

The symbol for the toad on the wall looks like it's taking a crack.

Well, actually, the thing on his mask looks like he's taking a shit in the middle of his forehead as well.

His mask is the worst because the toad sticks out so far,

but also the mask is like the chubby cheek version of the mask.

Two toads, one cup.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yeah, I went there.

Yes, so for the rest of my notes, it's just the shooting tarot.

Which is why he has iron skin because he also has bowel problems.

Oh, and how do you train someone to have iron skin?

Stab him a lot, I guess.

You put them in a tub of dry ice.

That's what the teacher was doing.

That's how he got the iron skin.

There you go.

See, it's all fitting together now.

That's how they do it in the iron fist.

The guy starts jamming his hands into like hot coals and all of this like caustic material that's meant to toughen up the skin.

And somehow like metaphysically his chi traps the heat from the hot coals.

And that's why his hand lights up whenever he sees the enemy is about to take on, but we're not talking about that.

We're talking about it.

It is a Shaolin technique, the sticking your hands in really hot sand and pulling them out again to toughen them up.

Yeah, it's a thing.

It's a thing. Thanks, Dave.

Now I have to send that in so someone can put it on their show.

Dealing my bits, boys.

We can't do that.

I can edit that out.

I do love the snake style.

It's the thing I remembered most about that film because there was a lot of years between me seeing it.

And the movements of the hands and the way it sort of clamps up the arms when he's fighting you.

I love that style.

And the scorpion who realised in this training montage that he's only any good if he has a zimmer frame handle to hold on to.

Yes.

I didn't understand the explanation of that because I read the subtitles and it was the subtitles talked about the claws of the scorpion.

But all he did was kick.

Kick things.

And I'm going, no, no, that doesn't work.

And then obviously later in the movie, you know, we actually see his style.

And it seems to mostly be saying, I can make a scene with my hands and kick you.

He does snap a couple of twigs off in that montage.

It was, I think the idea was that his hands were supposed to be pinchers that would hold you and then his kicks were the real deadly thing.

Particularly if you're made out of ceramics.

That's it.

If you're made of ceramics, you are.

But Lizard is the shit one because all we ever see him do is run up a wall, turn round and wave his hand at some candles.

There are no other techniques to the visit style.

Well, he can escape his enemies and then hang from the ceiling and get them.

That's his whole power.

That's it.

He pokes them in the eye from up on the wall.

More like a sloth than a lizard, basically.

Did anybody else notice the main plotline of this movie where you're teaching someone else a massively deadly fighting style and then you need to eliminate that person because they then make evil with that martial arts?

That's like 75% of the plotlines of martial arts films.

Yeah.

I taught you how to kill people.

Why are you killing people with the thing I taught you how to do?

Stop that.

The other thing he was saying about the slow motion, they do slow these guys down and actually he's really good slow-mo.

In these sequences.

So they got the guy kicking the plates and the scorpion kicking things off the top of stands.

But on the overdub, they didn't bother because obviously they were just rushing it through.

So they put in some onomatopoeic sounds.

Is that the right word?

No, because it's not real.

Oh, anyway, fuck it. You know what I mean.

So as the plate comes in, he goes, "Huuuuhhh! Huuuuhhh!"

Yes, but it's like slowed down to like a thousand frames a second or something stupid and it would not sound like that.

Yeah, it's like four.

Yeah, exactly. It really jarred with me.

The first pupil, his name was Santian.

He practiced the centipede style.

He was known as the centipede.

In fact, the speed he moved was as fast as a centipede.

Ha! Ha!

Ha!

I was just going, "Really? All that crockery?"

And I mean, let's be honest.

You know, this is like an ancient China. Making crockeries fucking hard.

Going around, couldn't go to the chocolate boy more. It's just wasteful.

He had a great cousin.

Did anybody else? Oh, go ahead.

During this montage, I'll be saying this is the style and we're seeing these slow motion bits.

We also get the explanation of, now one met two, but three and four never met.

But two and three, his brother, sister's auntie's uncle's mum never met five and one didn't meet seven because seven didn't exist. Have you got that?

But they all wore a mask so they don't really know what each other looks like except for this style.

And I'm there going, "I don't care because this bloke doesn't know any of them."

I've watched that bit three times. I still don't know who was with who, who knew who and who hadn't met who by the end of it.

It was essentially who's on first with martial artists.

Yeah.

Did anybody else notice the huge amounts of fisheye lens distortion during all the camera pans?

Yes.

Is that what it was?

Yeah, that's why everything got warped around the corners on the very far shot scope.

They used very, very wide angle lenses and it gave this real serious fisheye distortion.

And you only really notice it when they're panning the camera around and then it's really disorienting.

I thought I was having a flashback.

Yeah, I did note that I only really picked up on it once, but it was a cross between a pan and a crash zoom.

So it was a pan zoom, I suppose.

And it seems to jar left and right and I thought, "Well, why would they have left that in?"

But yeah, if the edges were distorted, I wonder if they tried to fix it and that's made that worse.

I honestly don't know, but I noticed it pretty much anytime the camera was going panning left and right.

Or if they did any kind of tilt up and down, you could really tell.

Because the entire room seemed to sort of like do that fisheye distortion that you see in some security camera footage.

So I think what they did is they had, this is probably some of the most lavish sets that they've had on a Shaw Brothers film to this point.

I mean, some of these were really incredible.

And I think they wanted to get as much of the set in because they built so much of it.

They built like, you know, really like two people tall sets, you know, where you could actually,

they had a lot of guys climbing and everything.

So I think they wanted to use these extremely wide angle lenses to try and catch all this stuff.

But at the same time, they still wanted to do the sort of handheld movements and some of that kind of stuff with the pans.

And I think those two things in combination is what caused that sort of disoriented, distorted camera work.

The only other thing I can think of is that, depending on what you've watched done as well,

you know, the whole idea of Shaw Vision was to try and give it that wide screen effect.

So if you're watching on a potentially smaller device or on, you know, at a 4x3 ratio, you might have fired it out.

No, I watched it on my 4K TV in the bedroom and streaming and I still noticed it at the far edges.

I think a 4x3 would probably have cropped those edges out instead of doing the pan and scan bit and you probably wouldn't have seen that on 4x3.

True.

And that's how I would have first seen it.

Because I hadn't seen it in so long, it was really glaring to me and it was just like hitting the OCD hardcore every time they moved the camera.

I was like checking my eyes and making sure they were okay.

So there is an unspoken star in this movie that I want to bring up sort of early on.

And I believe he was the Foley department intern.

He was in charge of footsteps.

And everybody's footsteps everywhere.

He didn't miss a fucking trick except for he only had one effect.

And so unfortunately, whether they were walking on concrete steps, a sandy floor, a carpeted room, the sound effect was always a lightly graveled driveway.

But it's actually hilarious.

He just hit me with it.

And it's like, I swear there's not a step he missed unless there's about 15 people on screen and they all run at once.

Too many, I won't do any.

Just let it go.

They didn't have the technology to do the overdubs for 15 different people at once back then.

That would have been too many tracks.

It would have been the Bohemian Rhapsody of Foley.

I could just throw a load of bottle caps on the floor or something. I don't know.

But everywhere else, completely fastidious.

So there is just a few bits where I just go footsteps.

So I just kept drawing my ear.

I noticed a lot of tempera paint blood.

There wasn't a lot of blood, but all the blood looked exactly like Hammerfilms, Kensington Gore.

That tempera paint blood.

And I was disappointed.

It was red crying.

And we didn't get any of the pressurized variety.

We were kind of hoping that we would get a good blood spurt whenever the power was revealed

that they just had to puncture his ears or whatever for the toad.

But we never got that. I felt kind of cheated.

Yeah, it's not baby cart, is it?

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, so you know that's yeah.

Yeah.

It's not lonely.

It's a different sort of feel.

But there was plenty of it.

In the right spots, I mean, when it was needed, it was there.

But yeah, let's get the massive spray.

But I think that probably would have pushed it too far.

You know, honestly, you would have gone, yeah, I would have been done.

And I don't think they had a lot of money for blood.

That's been a lot of money on sex, not a lot of money for blood.

And apparently it was all costumes.

Yeah, lots of apples.

Tons of apples, really lavish costumes.

Yeah.

Everybody had to have a certain open costume that looked like it was straight out of Mortal

Combat with no shirt underneath.

It was like when the one cop showed up and I already knew that the one cop was going

to be the Scorpion just by his voice.

I knew like automatically I'm like he's evil.

And then when he shows up and he's dressed like a Mortal Kombat character when his chest

is open, he's like, oh, I quit my job.

I'm like, yeah, come on, guys, you can't tell by the outfit.

Get over here.

It's like it's like him and fucking Centipede had the same tailor for Christ's sake.

He was noob, setback.

That's what it was.

Mortal Kombat, Mortal Kombat for you kids.

Now I want to talk about the Scorpion.

All right.

Scorpion appears on screen.

That's so you wouldn't recognize his voice.

Yeah, but it also makes it so you can't see what he's saying.

And I have no idea what he's actually saying.

I had to put the fucking subtitles on.

I couldn't get a word of it.

I already had the subtitles on and I'm like, no, no.

It's just like, oh.

Hey, listen, number five is here.

You have to cut number one.

What are you going to do?

Frame number five?

He has to die.

Otherwise, we're not safe.

Really?

They put all the subtitles behind his mask too.

Yeah.

I'm just like, I...

That was one of my notes.

Well, I actually had notes and said, what was that Scorpion?

Forever Bear, but Kenny is available.

My note just says Scorpion is Kenny from South Park.

Put your gun.

I love how he always read the same shit down.

It's brilliant.

So plot-wise, our young youngster has gone into this town.

As we say, there are two police guys there and he's like,

he's met two of the Venom straight away.

And he's just like, well, that was easy.

And they're so obvious too.

I mean, they will not reveal themselves who they are except for Snake, dude,

who's got a couple of cuffs with fucking snakes on them.

They've got snakes on them, yeah.

No one will notice those.

Yeah.

And if you want to blame being just go into town and start eating shit

and let it hang out of your mouth,

because no one looks at the weird hobo that can't eat properly.

I think it is everybody discounts the weird hobo that can't eat properly.

Yeah, he's just blending into the background.

But yeah, see, they won't reveal themselves, but they will.

Did anybody else think that Centipede was nowhere near as intimidating

as they tried to make him out to be?

His kung fu was pretty weak to me.

His kung fu was weak as his stubble.

He had very wavy kung fu.

I think his kung fu would be good against tall people,

because he said he'd be punching up a lot.

Is his training consistent of plates being dropped on his head from a great height?

Yeah, he's deadly against a pottery shop, but everything else is shit.

But you know, he doesn't...

He has a very subtle calling card though.

He just throws dead Centipedes in the window.

That's from the joke shop.

They're all rubberized Centipedes, yeah.

I don't know, he's supposed to be faster than everybody else.

And yet, even the guy that's not supposed to be as trained

and couldn't take anybody else on his own

sure seemed like he was about to take the Centipede out by himself.

It looked like he pulled back when he was fighting with his coat of many colors on.

What was that all about?

Just of the set of Joseph.

I mean, plot-wise, we should talk really about what happens, I suppose, a little bit.

They find the old dude who's supposedly got the money,

and what they could have done is just maybe followed him home

when he was going down a dark alley, because he comes and he knocks on the door.

But no, they're sitting inside with his entire family.

Why murder one person when you can murder twenty?

I thought it was a bit of an odd story.

I just casually put a rope around their hands.

Don't actually tie them up, just sort of loop it around their hands,

and they'll just sit there quietly.

She's very intense.

I'm scared.

And that whole sequence, although I did notice that

the whole bit with finding the map was such an afterthought.

And the map wasn't really a map, it was just a picture.

It's in this house.

Where is that a map of?

Yeah, just browsing the...

They go to trouble killing, yeah, they kill twenty people,

and then don't really look for the map, and then don't find it.

Scorpion comes in, we then find out later on, just goes, "Oh, there it is."

Takes it.

Apparently, intelligence is not one of the deadly venoms.

Who hides a paper map inside a candle?

Let's think about that just for a second.

Inside a piece of wood, putting flammable material in something that burns as well,

and then putting that inside something that you actually light on fire.

Yeah, because he would know not to burn that candle,

but remember, he was living in a house with twenty other people.

That's it, but don't use the red candle that's on the shelf in difference to all the other red candles.

Red candles.

Even in an emergency.

If Lizard lived there, you'd have no problem.

Lizard's the kind of guy you hire for your one hundredth birthday,

and you're too tired, and you don't have the wind to blow out your own candles.

You just have him climb up the wall and go to work.

All it takes is a power cut, and they're going to go straight for that candle.

That's true.

They look for the map, and then there's a murder investigation,

and they're like, "You must solve this murder. You have ten days!"

What? It takes as long as it takes, dude?

That was such the classic, "Do this. I'll have your badge."

In your case, I will whip you to death.

But did you like the way they nice and neatly stacked out all the bodies?

That was good.

Oh, yeah.

Put a mat over them, and the coroner just sort of went and felt, and went,

"Oh, twelve broken ribs."

Yeah, he was good with me.

He had X-ray vision.

Did you just give him a bit of a poke?

Oh, twelve broken ribs.

Shadowed jaw.

Kidney problem.

It looked like the five-points palm exploding heart technique, didn't it?

Oh, yes.

The way Centipede did the attack.

Yeah.

Well, see, one of the guys had a burst stomach.

Right, just went, "Oh my God, it's such a dick."

"Touch your dick!"

"Ahhh!"

And, yes.

While we're talking about the police investigation, did anybody else notice how

every official and cop, even the fucking jailers in this movie are all corrupt and want to take?

Oh, that's right.

I just went, "Wow, just corrupt police."

It's just, you know, not one, but everyone.

Just really hammering him the point that their law system does not work.

All right?

It's just, got enough money, you'll get away with it.

And that's all it really seemed about.

Yeah, you can get away with anything as long as you paid them in that weird paper that just

looked like it got printed out and made a half by eleven.

Yes, that's right.

As we sort of go further, obviously there's the whole sequence where Scorpion, you know,

gets blamed for the crime and they go after him.

He gets captured.

But he gets captured because apparently his weakness is the back of his neck.

This just, I didn't understand any of that.

They're fighting and the pupil sort of rolls across his back, grabs the back of his neck

and then all of a sudden he's powerless.

And I went, "Oh, okay."

Because he can break chains.

I don't think that was Scorpion.

I think that was Toad.

You sure?

Yeah, Toad was the one that had the iron skin and he was invincible.

But they ended up capturing him first, I find.

Well, they captured Centipede first.

Oh, sorry, Centipede, not Scorpion.

It was Centipede first.

Centipede first, yeah, sorry.

Because that was the fight and Toad helps apprehend him and it's Toad that grabs him.

Yeah, but he grabs him by the back of the neck.

Well, he's obviously part kitten.

I was going to say the same thing.

He just went limp like a little kitten.

Yeah, then they felt the same, judge.

It just quietly went himself.

That's it, yeah.

I'll go along, it'd be fine.

Can you?

I'm sure it'd be fine.

The justice system and the judges to ensure absolute justice.

I am giving you 10 days.

Come what may.

Yes.

Surely that will not lead to any kind of corner cutting or corruption.

No, no, no.

Can you one court here have some money?

Yeah, the entire justice system in this just felt like I was like, I just,

everything I had ever said about the justice system and my mistrust of police.

I just felt so justified watching that.

I'm like, see, it's true.

Yeah.

And when there's no forensics, you're like, how easy is it to get away with absolutely everything?

You're like, all the fingerprints on that.

Yes, but I like how it was, it was torture him to get a confession.

So we're executing.

Otherwise we'll torture you some more.

So just think about that for a minute.

Yes.

Confess, no torture.

Confess.

Okay, I confess.

Execution.

There's sort of, that's just convoluted thing where the, okay.

So there's a witness who sees Centipede come out.

So is that, or her, saw him, he killed them and he's testifying against him.

And then they bribe him to change his testimony to point the finger at Toad instead.

Then it's right.

They arrest him and he goes along peacefully.

So there's no fight because obviously it's justice and justice will work out and they're like, confess.

No.

Okay.

Then we're going to torture you.

I have eye and skin and then we have this whole thing about putting him in an iron maiden.

[Music]

Um, but the iron maiden that has no feet in it.

So what if, what if his weakness was in spit or,

Yeah, his head.

Or in my notes, I went, does it have a crunk needle?

Now, I'm pretty sure you guys know what a crunk is, right?

[Music]

I think I do, but I'm going to seek clarification in case I'm wrong.

So, so, so you're crunk since lately behind, behind your scrote.

And I thought so.

Oh, the tank.

We paid it.

Yeah, I know it's the tank.

Tanks.

Yeah, locally it's called your crunk.

And yeah, but did it have a crunk needle?

What if that was his only weakness?

But no feet, no head, no crunk.

Just, but a lot of red paint dots.

[Laughter]

Another red paint dot there.

Uh, yes.

And see, well, once they weaken him and like one person manages to throw two throwing darts into his ears.

At the same time.

Without anybody seeing it.

At the same time.

They were boomerang scorpion darts.

Because I say, anyway, I could work it out physically.

Yes.

Just like boom.

Yes.

Oh my goodness.

And I went.

I just, I just moved on.

Let it go.

Yes.

Yeah, the venom's hurt.

Yeah.

And then he gets the deadly e-jab technique.

It's, it's death and cripple.

They were wet willies.

[Laughter]

That was his weakness.

That willy.

And then toad just corrupt, like just falls.

Yeah.

The venom's.

He puts his fingers in his skull.

That looked like that would have killed him.

Yeah, maybe, maybe not.

I think he's stuck it in the holes.

In the holes with a, with the scorpion darts wing.

So, you know, it's a bit like sticking your finger in the bullet wound.

It's just, it's making it extra hurt.

That's no new use in this piece.

[Laughter]

The, the venom's are definitely not eerily as deadly as they are treacherous and politically corrupt.

Most of the stuff that they do is pretty much how Congress works here in the States.

And then when that fails, then they break out the kung fu.

Yeah.

I look forward to seeing them using the iron coat in Congress next time I watch it.

Yes.

[Laughter]

Would certainly make it more interesting to watch C-span.

For sure.

Now, I did have a technique, is it an iron coat or an iron cape?

Because it really only goes over the back of his shoulders and down his back.

That's an iron cape.

Well, I, I have to sort of question their entire approach to torture anyway.

Um, so, actually when they first apprehended him as well,

like you're talking about like due process and things like that.

So like, oh, they just walk in.

Hello sir.

No, would you like to come to the station for questioning?

No, just gonna chuck a fucking chain around his neck and try and drag him out of his chair.

Yeah.

I was like, that was nice.

But when we get to the torture thing, um, it, it's just torture is a first method before

any kind of cross examination or interrogation really.

And they choose torture methods.

So they do the iron, okay, we get the scorpion makes him weak so his toad skin doesn't work anymore.

Then they stick him in the iron maze.

[Music]

Like, ah, now confess.

Oh, he's fainted.

Yeah.

Maybe tomorrow we'll use something slightly less painful.

No, we'll do an iron coat and we'll burn his entire back.

Ah, shit, he's fainted again.

Oh, look, just stick a brush in his hand and make an X with it.

That makes it legal.

[Laughter]

It's, the film should have been called torture with incidental venoms of five.

[Laughter]

But this is where my thing that it is actually a horror movie comes in because

the things get labeled as horror movies because of torture scenes,

which aren't, some aren't as bad as these.

I mean, okay, the effects aren't trivia, but like to imagine the pain of either of those two things is quite horrible.

Yeah, true.

And there's more to come.

[Laughter]

Yeah, there's a bit that will make you never want to go to the dentist a bit.

Oh, and also I'd like to make the statement at this point that scorpion is Batman.

[Laughter]

You certainly can't understand him in any way, shape or form or anything that he has to say either.

[Laughter]

He comes in through windows when nobody's looking.

He disappears when you turn your back.

He even throws batarangs that hit people in the ears.

Yes.

Scorparangs.

Yes, scorparangs, that's cool.

You should copyright that.

[Laughter]

Get over here.

Oh.

Swear to me.

[Laughter]

Oh, we just merged Batman with Mortal Kombat. Love it.

Yes.

That's because we're classy guys.

I actually had trouble deciding and figuring out who was going to be a good guy and who was going to be a bad guy.

There were so many double crosses that most of the people just ended up back where they started.

And I couldn't tell who was actually working with who until we got the training sequence.

With Lizard and Lizard Jr.

Yes.

That's so shit, isn't it?

Yes.

All we had to do was jump off the wall and attack them or jump up sideways and attack them.

Parallel are required to be attacked at the same time and they would have won.

Now, what if they'd come across toad like that?

That wouldn't have worked.

No.

He would have just been victorious, wouldn't he?

And it made it look like toad was going to be the one that was going to help him the entire time.

And it would have looked like it was going to be three against three where toad could have been one of the good guys.

And then it would have been like this trifecta fight where toads dealing with the other two and getting all the stuff beat on them.

While the two guys, the two lizard guys, work together to defeat one of them and take them down.

And then toad would get to live.

But there's so many double crosses.

At first you think toad's working going to work for the side of the good, but then he's after the money too, I guess.

It was really hard to tell.

And then he ends up getting set up so that Tendipede doesn't have to get killed.

I have a question.

They all know each other's styles and what they sort of entail, don't they?

Well, not really, but a little bit.

They know of them.

But Scorpion seems to be Batman.

He seems to be the more knowing because he's the great detective.

And he's playing everybody, isn't he?

To get this at the end, he just stands back and he wants everybody to kill each other.

Now, if he was really smart, he would have made that a little bit more difficult.

If he was really smart, he would have made that fight happen in the desert.

Or just outside in the park.

That's right.

Away from walls.

Yeah, away from walls.

Walls, patrees, anything that the lizard gecko guys could climb.

Yeah, just shit.

There's just floor here.

We're fucked.

Yeah.

We have no perfectly vertical surfaces that no one else could possibly walk up like we do.

Yeah.

Apparently gecko has now become Aquaman.

Terrific on water.

Shit everywhere else.

Good God, guys.

Can we fight at the beach?

Can we just...

I'm going to call back to episode one.

Because Snake did the bloody belly grab.

He did.

He did the wiggly leg belly grabs.

Hold on.

That must be where Dolomite learned it from.

That's it.

Dolomite is technically the snake.

He would be the black mamba.

And he would be number six.

He's the missing sixth deadly venom.

Nice.

Now, is the universal sign for I quit just throwing your hat on the ground?

That's all it takes.

You take up your hat, throw it on the ground and go, "Oh, I quit."

There you go.

I'm done.

There's no paper.

You just throw your hat on the ground and leave.

I'm out.

Well, silly hats do seem to defer authority, don't they?

Well, sir, yeah.

And it looked like the judge actually had two modes.

It's like when I'm in judge mode, they stick out to the side.

And when I'm in normal walkie-talkie mode, they sort of sit down the back.

Yeah.

I think that's how he turns in his TV channels as he tilts the head just right so that he

gets the reception better.

I thought they were those fly swatters that you electrocute flies with, and he just swings

his head from left to right really quickly.

Yeah, I, when lead cop fella turns up at the end, I totally didn't recognize him.

I knew he was a scorpion, but I didn't realize he was the cop from earlier because he had

a hat on.

It totally fooled me.

It's like Superman with the glasses.

It's really had off all of a sudden completely changed.

He went from authoritarian to evil venom, just without a hat.

Well, that and he had on the outfit of the lead singer from Grim Reaper.

Yeah, I mentioned it a couple of times.

Eyebrows.

I want to talk about eyebrows.

Yes.

Like just Centipede had the angriest eyebrows I've ever seen.

Like they were just permanently like a down angry emoji face.

Lizard had like just directly sideways, but you could see his actual eyebrows underneath

and I'm going to do that.

They're extended out a bit, weren't they?

Yeah.

They went a bit longer around the side of his head.

But I'm going to, if I'm looking for someone that's really bad, should they always have

the frowny face eyebrows?

Is that how I know that they're bad?

Right, that should be.

Yes.

Just the frowny eyebrows are always, always bad.

So that, that was one of them.

And the only other note I had was Scorpion dies really badly.

It's been an anticlimax.

He dies like Paul Rubin's in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.

Yes.

Still funny.

They come back to the film like hours later after the credits are done and he's still

there going.

Oh, ah, ah, who put this red paint on my chest?

So you melted all these crayons on me.

That's how you knew the snake was dead because he had extra red paint on it.

And apparently his weakness was having dots shoved into his body.

That's like everybody's weakness.

Apparently you get enough of him.

How did he pull the dots out of his back, by the way?

He's a snake.

He slithered around.

He was able to detach his jaw and he just worked his way around and bit them out.

Sure.

I don't know.

Sure.

Especially the ones up by the shoulder blades.

No, you're not getting those.

You're getting itch there.

You're screwed.

We have sticks for that.

Maybe use chopsticks to get them.

Oh, that's racist.

Vaguely racist.

And speaking of vaguely racist, I use him with a gambling pocket.

Don't say anything.

That's more of a stereotype coming from them.

They actually wrote it that way.

So we had five deadly Venoms plus a Venom of all trades and then we're left with the

double lizard.

Yes.

It's the end of the movie.

Yes.

Just painted the two worst ones left to carry on the legacy.

Yeah.

It's like, what's the most shit skill we can give the martial artists to survive and pass

on?

Let's go with lizard.

Yeah.

Can you climb a wall?

You're done.

All right.

But yeah, we've just been like, we've got the money.

Let's fuck off.

And we're done.

Move on.

And I love how they're talking about how they're going to pay the clan's debts.

They're going to do all this stuff to try and turn the image of the clan around.

And it's like, but at the end of the day, your name is still poison.

Yeah.

You're still the poison clan.

Yeah.

You know, no one's coming to you.

Can you help us poison clan?

No.

Help us poison clan.

You're our only hope.

But you killed Batman's here.

Not much use to us.

But I love how it just sort of like, let's atone for evil clan debts and give money to charity.

Okay.

The end.

As they freeze midframe of them walking into the sunset.

That's how it is.

Yeah.

And it's just so abrupt.

You're like, oh, oh, that's finished then.

Has it?

Okay.

Fine.

Move on.

Oh, okay.

No credits.

Everyone will exactly have a rather, except for all the dead people.

All the dead people.

There's a lot of dead people.

And I was just like, okay, let's let it go.

Oh, there's this brilliant crisis of conscience that snakey snake has.

And he goes, when will the killing end?

And it's like, you fucking killed everybody.

It was you.

You stuck a hook down somebody's throat and pulled out his intestines.

You stuck a spike into somebody's brain.

Actually he held him still and Centipede did all of that.

Yes.

Oh, okay.

So he's able to absolve himself of the guilt of the actual killing and he has no stomach

for the hooking of intestines.

Okay.

I'll let him off then.

See, and now again, supercorona.

Supercorona went, actually he died from having his throat slashed from the inside.

And I went, did you just touch him?

Throat slashed from the inside.

Now, when they were hook killing that guy and obviously Centipede being a frustrated

dentist, they wiped the dude's face and he blinks.

I missed the hat.

Damn.

They're holding him there.

They're wiping the blood off and he blinks as they wipe it off.

No, wait.

He's faking it.

That commitment.

That's awesome.

It was very.

I didn't notice that because I was too busy like freaking out over how crazy it was that

they dragged a hook up through the guy's throat and lashed it.

Yeah.

See, fucking horror film.

Yeah, this is a horror film.

Yeah.

It's a horror heist film with incidental kung fu violence and occasional wall climbing

by lizards.

Yes.

And an alleyway lobotomy.

Yes.

Isn't that a Ramon song?

Alleyway lobotomy.

It is near.

I just don't want to mention the soundtrack because I just started to notice it more in

my second viewing through again, but I did notice that the violin tone they use, I think

is violin.

It sounds like a pissed off husky that doesn't want to go out for a walk.

It's either a pissed off husky or a very sad wookie.

Yeah.

It's a really odd.

It's an odd noise, but they use it a lot.

Did you also notice you were saying about the set building and how much love went into the

sets and that is obvious.

You notice how super respectful they are of expensive vases and furniture whilst fighting

indoors.

Nothing gets broken.

And for those wooden rack things that he kicks over at the end, but not a single vase.

They're speaking of vases.

Reminds me of Jackie Chan, where he would be fighting and trying to preserve the antiques.

Yeah, they haven't actually paid for them.

They just borrowed them.

Yeah.

Speaking of vases though, next time I want to get drunk, I'm going to get a joint vase

full of alcohol and drink and drink from that just to get really fucking handy.

But you have to angrily throw it at somebody once you're done with it because otherwise

you've missed all the fun of that.

That's exactly.

Yeah, when it's empty, you definitely have to toss it.

Angry vases is what you think.

Whilst on vases, I think what made me think of that.

Have you guys seen yetman, a film?

Oh yeah.

Yes.

I love the bit at the beginning of that where the little kid just comes in on the trying

and says, "Mom says if you break anything, you're in trouble."

I thought that was classic.

All right.

Is there anything else that we need to cover up with?

We've topped on a lot of points.

No, I'm ready for my knock three times.

Okay.

Yes.

Let's get to it.

I would like you to knock three times before you leave.

So I can't remember how we've done it in other weeks, but I think we should do one at a time.

And I think, you go first.

One at a time is in one.

I read one.

Yeah, sorry.

Okay.

We all do a one.

We all do a two.

We all do a three.

Okay.

"Why form a clan only to hide it and then have them all killed and not let them use

any of their skills?"

What's the point there?

That point.

The whole plotline of the movie, I'm like, "Wait a minute.

You're training them to be deadly weapons.

They're not allowed to use any of it.

No one's allowed to know who they are for their own safety and they do nothing with any of

this skill.

No wonder they just want to rob somebody and spend their retirement on a beach with

this old man's money."

Somebody made money somewhere at some point, didn't they?

But they clearly went off the idea.

And this guy kept it all.

That's the whole point.

I want to know what the other guy did to make all that money.

Was he using his tells?

Was he an assassin for hire?

Was he a different venom?

And he's so, why aren't they all learning that one?

Because apparently there's money in it.

Yes.

Good point.

Maybe he's the anti-venom and he has all the money because he's helping keeping them

hidden.

Ah, the anti-venom.

I like that.

So was that yours, Witcher?

Was that just off the back of course?

That was just off the back of course.

Because it was there and it was in my head.

It's okay for yours.

So why is no one even vaguely surprised when the toad breaks chains?

That ain't normal.

Let me throw heavy chains over you when he goes, "Ha ha!"

And they'll go, "Oh shit."

Okay.

I think it's because the guy standing there in a gold lame scorpion outfit from Mortal

Combat with his chest exposed and he's got like abs of steel and he's just kind of standing

there and anybody who could dress like that and walk around and brought daylight clearly

can defend himself.

So when he's able to break chains and bend metal with no problems, I don't think anybody's

all that shocked because they're like, "Oh, that makes sense.

That's why he's wearing gold lame."

Yeah, that makes sense.

And in one of the other parts he pops up and says, "Dosti!"

Clearly a superhero.

Boss?

I want to learn how to do the snakey snake techniques and in that when my hands move

it goes, "Shh, shh, shh, shh."

Like it has to make that.

There must be a kung fu school I can go to or I can learn that.

So please email us if you know somewhere that teaches snakey snakey hand technique with

wooshy sounds.

Thank you.

Actually, off the back of that, that goes to my next question.

Which style of poison technique from the film would you prefer to learn?

Clearly, boss, you're going to go with snakey snake.

Snakey snake, definitely.

I'd have to go with toad because it really didn't seem to involve much, rather than just

going, "Oh!" and breaking stuff, which I'm okay with.

Didn't seem to walk away with any real training technique, other than just going, "Haha, you

can't hurt me."

Yeah, I was going to pick toad for the exact same reason because I could just stand there

and go, "Haha, your weapons are useless against me."

Taser of your sloth persona.

Yeah, exactly.

Because that's what toad was.

He should have been the sloth where he just sits there and he's deadly.

It takes him forever to actually hit anybody.

When he does, all of the force just destroys them no matter how slow he moves, and they

can't do anything to harm him.

Yes.

Which one, number two?

So my number two is, what was with the scared, shaky leg thing of the guy that saw the original

killing?

Yes.

Was this an episode of Scooby Doo?

Right, right, right.

I think that's called overacting.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm so scared.

I have to make my legs move.

I'm just going, "What?"

What I said, well, initially I went, "Oh, he's crippled."

And then I went, "No, he's just a dick."

That was odd.

That was completely odd.

It was.

It was like really slapstick at a really inappropriate moment.

I was like, "I don't know why you did that."

Boss?

I want to put this forward as the best unintentional horror movie of 1978.

So I'm just repeating myself really.

The best unintentional torture horror of 1978.

Yes.

At least you didn't say the word you hate, boss.

Well, exactly.

I was going to say that.

It may have been invented in 1978, but yeah.

A T-word.

Torture's fine.

Including it with the other word that's actually a good thing and barreling them together.

Yeah, that makes it a bad thing.

Yeah, you don't throw porn against it and then that becomes the bad derogatory term.

It does.

And if anybody wants to say it, be my guest, because I'm editing this fucking week and

I will bleep it.

No, the bromance won't allow me to do it to you.

No.

I love you.

No.

And I love porn too much to ruin.

Say cunt as much as you like.

I ain't going to bleep that, but if you say the T-word, it's gone.

So I can say torture cunt, but I can't say torture.

Oh, yeah, you can actually.

But then that might put you on some kind of government watch list.

Either that or it's going to put me on a list for people to start emailing me for the

BDSM lifestyle.

I don't know which.

Or you'll get an email from the superhero council saying that's a pretty good name.

Do you want to join?

Yes.

My power would be of the sloth where I'm indestructible and I don't move.

But stuff is.

Oh, but if you call torture, you're at the must be great.

Exactly like Centipedes too.

Yeah.

Yes.

Open chested, please.

Are we on my turn?

I can't remember.

I think we are just T-railed nicely there.

Okay.

So why are there only five poison clan techniques?

We would think that if they're supposed to be a clan, there would be more than five and

they would have more techniques and more types of poison kung fu.

Do you have some examples?

Sloth.

Drop bear.

Sloth drop bear.

That's two right there.

You know that.

I mean, there's there's plenty of other animals that they could have come up with that are

deadly and poisonous.

Spiders.

Any number of these.

Yeah.

Spider was a big admission, wasn't it?

Yeah.

They had scorpion, but no spider.

You would think they would have some type of a spider technique.

Or they could have had stripey cunts as I call them.

Sorry, that word's getting as used now.

Wasps.

Sorry, wasps.

Yeah.

Right.

Cunts with wings.

Wings.

Wind cunt.

Yeah.

Fucking hate them.

Fucking.

How would how would the wind cunt style actually work?

If it was a wasp or like a deadly bee, would he just be throwing his ass at you constantly?

Yeah, but like the William Shatner flying butt attack from Star Trek.

Yeah.

That is deadly.

Yeah.

And it'd be like the face hugger technique.

He just jumps at you and just jams you in your face.

Just pinches your face with his ass cheeks.

Yeah, that's exactly it.

Just smothers you with it.

That's a horrible way to go.

Horrible way to go.

You actually try to suck out your intestines through your mouth using your butt hole.

Yes.

So his costume would obviously include chat, wouldn't it then?

Yeah.

There's an interesting part of this now.

This film just got a lot more sexy with that idea.

It did, didn't it?

Okay, which your last one?

My last one is how does showing someone a room full of dusty training equipment help

them?

So remember right at the start, the whole training montage is going here, look at this room that

I've never shown you before in the whole three years that you've been here at this dusty

equipment.

This is what I used to do, but I never thought you any of this stuff.

That just seems cool to me.

This is where you would have got to.

That's right.

Well, to teach you anything, you would have been in this room, but sorry.

This is Scorpion's Zimma frame and here are the here are the wooden plates that we glued

together for him to break, which unfortunately with the high def print, you can see the seams.

You can also see the seams in the Zimma frame thing where he snaps the handles off to show

his claw technique.

You can actually see that they're just glued on.

Yeah.

Here's the bill for the cropper in the centerpiece.

It's actually the debt of the clan.

They have to go pay off.

They have to pay the pork crockery guys.

This reopened every Greek restaurant in town.

And boss, what's your last one?

My last one is I think it was probably more dangerous to sit in a ceramic pot with dry

ice in warm water hovering near your nutsack than actually sitting in a pot of almost boiling

water.

I'm having a kid always non boiling water.

Hold on.

I actually have two more.

Okay.

I have way more.

I have way more questions than I had any other points in the movie.

Okay.

My first one of the last two.

Okay.

Isn't a yeah.

Isn't teaming up to defeat a foe really just cheating?

Yes.

So essentially the teacher says you suck.

The only way you're going to win is cheating.

That's the moral to the story for the film.

Yeah.

But fun someone bigger and stupid and you do the fighting for you.

That's been my whole life plan.

Okay.

Last question.

Is there any honor in these battles or any humanity?

Not really.

Referencing battles without honor or humanity.

Yeah.

No.

Just no.

Nobody does anything honorable in this in any way shape or form.

Not that I necessarily have to.

I mean they're all members or former members of the poison quintet.

So they're not really a clan.

They're a quintet with a teacher.

And that's it.

No.

But there's nothing.

There's nothing redeemable about any of this.

No.

Not at all.

They've got nothing.

Nothing at all.

Yeah.

Not actually for this genre movies quite unusual isn't it?

There's normally one extremely moralistic character but they're all a bit I suppose the

young kid is the closest thing but even then it's just like your job is to team up with

one and kill the others.

And take the money.

Take the money from the family of the guy that just got slaughtered.

That's why there's no mention of trying to help them.

Nah fuck that.

Take it.

Take the money and run.

Yeah.

It's like I said it's a crime heist film with incidental kung fu and then elements of

just straight up everyday life horror like actual things that could happen to you or

including torture and having your eardrums pierced simultaneously by scorpion ranks.

Scorpor ranks.

Put in a line maiden.

Oh and don't forget having we forgot having your having your face made into papia mash

eight and suffocating you and then being hung to look like you committed suicide.

Yeah hung by the chin.

He was like we're in one of those like weird fifties like back straightening things just

hanging off the I'm gonna can you hang yourself.

Yeah I thought they were gonna like steal his face or something when they were doing

like the rice paper like waterboarding or what was this thing.

I didn't understand.

And of course the irony of that was he was poisoned.

Yes.

Of course.

I thought that they were torturing him to get information at first and then I thought

that they were doing a method of execution where they were just going to suffocate him.

But like as soon as they started putting the wet paper on his face I was like holy shit

waterboarding and I immediately I immediately started feeling guilty for being a US citizen

during Bush's reign.

Tell you what I mean.

Anytime I see that on screen.

Don't you just feel guilty for stuff really.

If what for being American I was born here I can't help it.

Yeah it's not his fault.

It's not my fault.

I mean that'd be like blaming you for being Australian.

No it's okay.

It is my fault.

I did it.

All of it.

It's all me.

It's a circumstance of birth.

You're both making up for it nicely so don't worry.

We do it.

It's a sad state of affairs.

It's a sad state of affairs if both of us are being diplomatic for our country despite

what the bastards in charge are doing.

That's right.

People are looking to me to be the diplomatic savior of my nation.

We're fucked.

Especially for me because I'm a borderline psychotic.

For us.

So gentlemen in closing.

Do you want to just a couple points why you love/hate this movie?

Just in roundup.

In roundup.

Look I love this movie because it is sheer entertainment.

There is nothing that you need to take away from it other than if you want to look for

Miles and stuff, sure go for it.

It's worth it to have a bit of fun.

It has so many influences in cinema outside of this that it is worth it.

I think the only thing that I can take away was obviously, and I think it was said best

when I looked at the subtitles and the dubbing said oh yeah and the subtitles said swoo you.

So if you were to give it a rating out of 5 how many watts out of what would you give

it?

I would give it 9 rubber centipedes.

Out of 5?

Yes 9 rubber centipedes out of 5 because they've got lots of lips.

I'm going to give it 5 squabble rangs out of 5.

I'm giving it 4 intestine covered innard hooks out of 5.

I suddenly want to change mine to your rating because it's somehow still better than my

5 out of 5 or his 9 out of 5.

It wasn't 4 marks either.

I had to hold something back.

This film does have everything I love in the genre, unfeasible long hair just in front

of the ears.

I love to stick on mutton chops.

Sweep back.

Yeah it makes you look like you're running really fast all the time.

Which I think they're awesome.

I love that style.

For damn sexy kung fu men with impossibly extended arched eyebrows as we mentioned

previously totally ludicrous kung fu styles with no logical reason behind them.

Awful script, tenuous plot.

I love it.

Basically everything you just described is all the boxes I like to check for an old

school kung fu film that was made pre 80s.

Anything made pre Bruce Lee has to fit into that sort of mold.

It has to pretty much have that feel to it.

Where it's ridiculous, it's outlandish and it's amazing.

If it fits into sort of the dirty hoe mold of that film dirty hoe, it's perfect for me.

That's all I need.

And hopefully as many people will stick on beards as possible.

Yes.

With talcum powder.

Yes.

Yeah.

Big influence.

Those stick on beards pretty much informed my whole entire choice of facial hair.

So I hope we've done justice to the five deadly venoms.

I don't we don't normally do we normally pimp our other shows on this show or do we

just you know.

We did on the first one, but we didn't on the second one.

So should we be shameless this week this month?

Should I say might as well.

Sure.

Got ankle.

Okay, you can find me on my regular show, Cinema Psyops.

I'm available at Legionpodcasts.com/cinema-psyops-podcast

I have a Facebook group as well named Cinema Psyops and I'm also court psyops on Facebook.

We also have a wonderful group for obsessive cinema discourse where I would like to invite

everyone listening to this to join with which you can interact with all of us there as well.

Please do.

Yes, please, please come to our Facebook page.

We did it.

We made it.

Please come on our Facebook.

Oh, that's of course the sticky pound technique.

You can find me on my regular show, witch versus the doomsday clock also a proud member

of the Legion podcast networks and on Facebook as the witch, the WCH.

I also have a Facebook group which is slowly but surely getting larger.

So come on down.

Come and talk to us about your drop their technique and that's about it for me.

I am of course a said with celebrity handbag and we'll turn up for nothing short of free

pricing.

And you can find my nonsense at simply syndicated.com forward slash shows forward slash pod of horrors

and that is the little pod of horrors.

We also have a Facebook group if you'd like to go there.

Not many people bother, but it's there.

What else?

Oh yes, I do movie news on simply syndicated as well, which is a weekly show.

I'm not there every week, but I do put in an appearance when I can.

We talk about upcoming movie news across the whole all genres and we talk about what we've

been watching.

And also there's some gaming news shows and things coming up, which I might be getting

a little bit involved with as well.

So for other podcast needs, go to simply syndicated.com because I'm a splitter and I'm cross network.

So because people know it easy.

Now you need a cane.

So thank you, ladies and gentlemen for joining us and for putting up with my first corralling

of one of these shows.

I hope you've enjoyed it and who's go is it next?

I'll be back to me.

Hey, so the next one.

My fault.

Yeah.

This one is completely my fault.

So excellent.

And you're going to make them wait and see what that is.

Yeah.

Don't fuck them.

We love them.

Thank you for listening.

Can I fuck them and love them?

If they if they will allow you with their permission and their consent, you can fuck

them and love them and you can fucking love them.

If you would like to give your sense for being loved and fucked, go to our Facebook group.

Do we just say that?

Right.

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, it's done.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

That was the five deadly venoms inappropriately dressed for a children's party badger signing

off.

Get over here.

âª Cowepod and Santa's are tripping with yow âª

âª Making your money from sliver from milk âª

âª Otherating your bellies in high-quality towers âª

âª Their dressing are lives in your schemes and your powers âª

âª You've got to watch them be quick 'cause they dead âª

âª Snake-izing Evan, the new senior âª

âª (upbeat music)

Don't forget, you can find our perfect and pristine Facebook group

at facebook.com/groups/obsessivecinemadiscourse

And if you think we missed something on any episode, yeah, as if,

please do email us at ocinemad@gmail.com

and bring your own particular OCD into the light.

Or was it ocinemaD@...

Or maybe it was ocinemaD@...

Oh, I know.

Maybe it was more like...

Oc-I-M-A-D-A-T.

Or were we thinking...

O-S-I-N-E-M-A-D.

âª (upbeat music)

Of the three deadly Venoms, you're the one left standing.

(laughing)