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In our free fb community, I asked the question:
"How do you Self-Sabotage?"
and the responses I got were staggering.
Everything from "I don't feel right when things are good" to "I play a small game" to "avoiding asking for what I want and having fairy tale expectations instead".
It's frustrating when we don't understand
why the hell we can't do the things we're
thinking we need to do in order to get the results we want in relationships, health, and our careers.
Without understanding this profound concept I'm about to share, we're bound to repeat endless cycles, spinning our wheels and going nowhere. When you finally get this strange concept into your body, you are able to get back into flow and find the energy to move foward where you were once stopped.
What did you discover in this training?
Welcome to the TriggerProof podcast.
This is the first season of the Podcast which are audio renditions of
Facebook Live Video Transmissions done for the “TriggerProof” Facebook Community.
These were set up by request of our community members who wanted an opportunity to listen
to insights, tools, and strategies to help heal relationship dynamics, deepen intimacy,
and master the fine art of Autonomic Nervous System Regulation so that we can build resilience,
heal from the past, and become active operators of our mind, body, and life.
This first season wasn’t designed to be a podcast, so you’ll notice the audio isn’t
Professional Studio Quality (like it is on season 2 as we’ve upgraded incrementally).
These trainings are designed to introduce and deepen you to the most critical 2 skills we’ve never been taught:
1) The skill and practice of taking our triggers (Nervous System Activations) and turning them into deeper safety and self-love,
2) The skill and practice of taking conflict (that happens in any relationship) and turning them into deeper intimacy between the parties involved.
Not learning these two critical skills at this time in history costs us dearly: Physical and Mental health is on the DECLINE.
Doing this deep level of healing work can break the cycle of Intergenerational Trauma that didn’t start with you.
It didn’t start with you, but it can end with you,
#Cyclebreaker.
______________________________________________________________________
Join my Facebook Group to help you understand yourself, control your triggers, regulate your nervous system and know what's keeping you stuck in these times of crisis:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/triggerproof
hey and welcome to my trigger proof transmission please make sure you subscribe to this channel by Smashing that subscribe button and if you wait until the end I will show you how to get access to my master class or Workshop called should I stay or go powerful training that helps you make the five transitions required to know the answer to should I stay should I go and heal these repetitive patterns without years of counseling or psychotherapy
[Music] foreign [Music]
for another trigger proof transmission welcome once again I'm Dr Nema Romani and I help people break cycles of intergenerational trauma so that they can have healthy secure relationships I teach what I most needed to learn and what I most needed to learn was how to regulate my autonomic nervous system and move my insecure attachment disposition in relationships as kind of like avoidant desperately wanting connection but when it would come I need space uh to shifting myself to a more secure State and I thought hey if I could go from constant insecure relationships to creating a secure relationship I kind of put the pause on trying to help other people and be Dr Nema to the rest of the world and I realized there was this missing piece in my life and so I kind of put a pause on helping other people I stopped working for about six months uh took a sabbatical and left to understand the polyvagal theory attachment Theory
somatic experiencing autonomic nervous system regulation I just nerded out on it the Neuroscience of healthy secure relationships I thought if there's a neuroscience to it and then I could take all the intelligence that I already had and turn it into actual capability of creating a secure relationship maybe if I could do it maybe this could be the missing piece that I'd been looking for not only in my own life but with clients that would constantly fall into same patterns patience I'm a chiropractor for 20 years I've been helping people regulate their nervous systems without even knowing it I just thought remove interference from the nervous system and the body does its job it absolutely does however it does not address Chiropractic doesn't address the attachment wound that created the uh kind of distress within the nervous system creating the triggers in the nervous system that get replicated in our relationships causing insecure relationships toxic relationship whatever you want to call it um codependency it shows up in our relationships isn't that interesting that 20 years as a mind and body kind of specialist helping people who are stressed depressed stuck sore going through breakdown of relationships in my life and in that Journey unconsciously I was creating my own methodology for myself to heal attachment traumas so that I could feel safe in my body I could be able to be responsive rather than reactive to what activated or triggered me so that I didn't keep repeating patterns in my relationship so I teach what I most needed to learn and I absolutely love talking about this and so if you're if you're here listening to me for the very first time uh welcome welcome to the community uh I had a question a post that I did a couple weeks ago um several weeks ago and I asked how do you self-sabotage
that's a very interesting word that a lot of people love to use how do you self-sabotage and immediately within I had like a bunch of comments I'm going to share them with you and let me know ask yourself that question how is it that you self-sabotage and I'm gonna go through some some kind of observations some Usual Suspects of self-sabotage that you might relate to see how it relates to you notice what happens in your body as you're listening to this training and then by the end of it I'm going to show you exactly what must be done in order to deal with this specific with this really frustrating part of our Lives I mean come on how many times have you made a commitment that you were going to lose the weight that you were going to take the course that you are going to quit your job you were going to write the book you are going to um heal your attachment wounds you're going to deal with your traumas and you come up and this is one of the really difficult parts of my job I get to literally have people reach out and do Discovery calls with me and really commit to something amazing and then all of a sudden the opportunity to change you know they're on one second they're in tears crying I can't take this anymore it's I'm done I'm done I can't live like this anymore it's costing me too much and now after a thousand of these calls I listen and I'm like [Music] yep uh-huh like I'm of course I'm attentive but my spider senses are going uh-huh yep sure because what happens when you commit to something and then you know that it's not going to be easy you know that it's not going to be comfortable you know that it's not going to be convenient all of a sudden you had made a commitment 10 minutes ago and then the possibility of change starts to come up and I literally watch people I think about now it's a lot less now that we have a kind of like a a weeding out process in our um in our trainings and in our community like in my private community of cycle Breakers oh by the way how do you like my new t-shirt um the people who take on this work of healing their traumas do so because they don't want to pass this [ __ ] down to their kids therefore being a cycle breaker and check out this here this little onesie just got so my dad is a cycle breaker and we're gonna my mom is a cycle breaker we're going to have all of these little things onesies uh what do you think what do you think so we're getting merch for this because being a cycle breaker is a commitment you know imagine if your parent was on this they had social media like 50 years ago and your parents were on this video and they had an opportunity to actually work at breaking the cycles that came from their parents and their parents and their parents and then as a result of their wounding raised you imagine if they had an opportunity and they were faced with the opportunity to address those wounds what would you tell them to do what would you say you'd say do it do it but what happens is when I see somebody especially even if they're a parent and they're like crying I can't do this to my kid my baby is gonna have the same upbringing and is like I promised myself I would never be like my parents and here I am just like my mom it's time to change and then all of a sudden when it comes time to take action and commit guess what happens it's self-sabotage I'm going to reframe self-sabotage for you but I'm going to use the language that we see in the current narrative that you've probably also used in reference to yourself and that is Boom what happens is the ego comes up and the ego because when we're talking about self-sabotage we got to talk about the ego the ego which is the story of who I think that I am the story I've made up of who I think that I am the performance that I'm putting up the um kind of the the the the story that I'm telling the identity that I've taken on all of a sudden goes weight in order to have those new results you're gonna have to take on a new identity and I'm terrified of losing what I know to be true so uh and then the person makes excuses time money oh my kids one dude I will never forget
his wife had an affair and there wasn't an emotional connection in their relationship you can feel it in him he just rationalizes when I would ask him about his challenges he would just laugh laugh it off and go into story and I keep trying and what I do and I'm coaching somebody and I'm you know even on an enrollment call where they're kind of considering working with us I kind of see I'm like tell me how that feels and just by your response I can tell how much your ego is trying to protect that that wound you know that vulnerability and this lack of access to vulnerability causes dis disconnection in our relationships which is it precisely why I could see his wife was trying to get connection elsewhere you know when we're not when I'm not giving it in a relationship and you feel trapped with me you're gonna connect with somebody else and go oh my God there's probably a better offer and I I be not that it's my fault but you know the field in my in my relationship with you gets set up with a greater possibility probability of you trying to find it elsewhere not that it's my fault but I'm just saying you know human human nature understanding human behavior if we can understand this get a a bird's eye view and understand then we have an advantage and this guy you could see he was dissociated and so when it came time to solving it which was him finding his confidence finding his voice uh not becoming needy and hovering around her which is driving her insane they're trying to rebuild and she had done it again and again and again and I was like if we don't solve this what's going to happen he's like it's probably going to happen again I'm like yeah and then all of a sudden when it came time to resolve it he's like oh well I gotta check with my wife and see if it's okay with her I'm like wait what can you see the sabotage happening you're basically you have an opportunity to transform something and you're about to take a step in that direction and then boom some sort of an excuse some story which feels like a physiological panic attack I literally saw him just panic and turn into like an eight-year-old boy when he thought of the possibility of actually changing this identity so this concept of self-sabotage is very powerful it's not a rational process it's something that you know listen you know the apple is better for you than the donut you know you know that getting the work done and Crossing off the list is gonna help your business rationally you know that asking for what you desire or saying no and setting up your boundary is good for you and the relationship you know logically so why is it that when it comes when push comes to shove your physiology goes into a fight or flight your autonomic nervous system goes into shutdown and now there's a younger Part of Yourself that takes over the unconscious mind your unconscious these are unconscious wounds from childhood and then and Carl Jung says until we make the unconscious conscious it will rule your life and you'll call it fate I keep you know uh sabotaging my goals sabotaging my weight loss sabotaging my business sabotaging my relationship by just blowing [ __ ] up again and again and again well let me know if you can relate to this let me know in the comments section if you can relate to anything that I'm saying
I hate Facebook lives I mean I like doing them not as much as real life because I can engage but if you know I'm getting your engagement I can actually see how this is landing let me know if this is landing so when I asked what the self-sabotage patterns were what we would see is I overthink leading up to doing something and then afterwards study struggle to enjoy the now so she's sabotaging the now because she's overthinking let me know if that resonates here's a good one I don't feel right when things are going good I'll overspend or do something stupid so I can need to be rescued ah I run out of Rescuers so I so I have tamed it down I've run out of Rescuers has that ever happened to you you know I have a really neat perspective on these observations as you listen to them I want you to really look you know um Carla says by apologizing I sabotage Myself by apologizing for everything because I was conditioned to think that everything is everything wrong is my fault somehow and by doing things to screw up or find ways of pushing boundaries and pushing people away so she basically tries to screw up and pushes people away to get it get type of get some sort of something and completely sabotages herself [Music] um one Susan said I sabotaged Myself by playing a small game let me know if you can relate to that um I sabotage myself there's a great um responses I mean check in the Facebook Community just how I sabotage write the word sabotage search and just look some great examples and see if you can relate to them why start something when there are so many people doing XYZ yeah so I'm not going to start a business of so and so because so many people are doing actually that's when I wanted to leave Chiropractic I told my parents I said um I want to leave Chiropractic and teach people how to heal their attachment wounds because I discovered made a huge Discovery with my patients and my parents are like oh there's so many people doing it what are you phony Tony Robbins phony Tony anyway so um I know that excuse and so how do we resolve that well here's what I'm gonna invite you to the awareness of there is no such thing as self-sabotage now let me say that again there is no such thing as self-sabotage the idea that we do things deliberately to harm ourselves to hurt our chances to destroy our lives outwardly I totally understand why we would see it that way because it doesn't feel like a positive thing we assume that it's about positivity that for doing something positive with our life that we're moving forward well I want to introduce you to this concept that you have this intelligence with within you with an ego is part of this intelligence when you're unconscious this unconscious ego will do everything it can to protect you I want you to replace the word anytime you're using the word self-sabotage I want you to write down I self-sabotage by do this exercise grab a pen okay let's try it right now okay and I have a little a little Gadget here okay what does it look like
I self sabotage
by okay
so ask that ask yourself that question I self-sabotage by by the way do you like my new little my new little uh iPad here I self-sabotage buy what what do you do now here's what I want you to do I want you to take the word self-sabotage cross that word self-sabotage out
all right and I want you to replace it with the word I myself protect
bye boom so in the example of why start something where there are so many people doing XYZ so I self-sabotage by not moving forward you know by not moving forward by not uh doing the thing by not taking the Chance by not taking the course by not starting that business so I want you to really see that as self protection I self-protect by not starting that business I self-protect by eating a lot right I self-protect by smoking how is that how does that work well
it's simple
it's simple I want you to really understand this very important concept that [Music] foreign
[Music] and you've been listening to the trigger proof designed to teach you the most important skill necessary for a dramatically changing World which is nervous system regulation and becoming trigger proof doesn't mean trigger less it means learning how to regulate ourselves to bring us back to Center so that we can then be governed by our purpose rather than from our wounds any time there's reactivity there's a wound and if you're curious and inspired to learn more join us at breathwork and badassery or the overview experience there's a difference between listening to a podcast and actually showing up live and doing the work with a badass community who's all about breaking cycles of intergenerational trauma it didn't start with you but it can end with you if you're willing to do the work see you at the next perfect time [Music]
at
our nervous systems are hardwired to protect us and anytime we enter something new something that's unfamiliar we don't feel safe our nervous system doesn't feel safe our growth and our healing happens kind of as an example using this hoberman sphere you grow and expand and growing pains in a new environment and the first thing that happens I don't belong so I will unconsciously act in a way that to help me move back to the level of my safety let me give another example you win the lotto what happens there's a huge I don't know the exact percentage I think something like 80 90 percent of Lotto winners within five years are completely kaput what have they done sabotaged their winnings no I want to introduce you to another concept they're self-protecting so if you're used to making 50 Grand a year or you're completely on welfare it it it's a demonstration that you don't you are not you do not have a capacity it's not how much money you make if you don't believe me read the book The Wealthy Barber it's not how much money you make It's Your Capacity to contain abundance if if I have scarcity trauma where my nervous system has not accustomed to receiving and feeling worthy of receiving if all of a sudden I win the lotto and overnight I win two million dollars boom you think I'm happy right but what happens it's funny they did an Oprah Winfrey Show on this and they said all right so let's do this as an example there's a guy living underneath a bridge he's homeless let's just show up and just give him a hundred thousand dollars he's got a hundred thousand dollars and let's see what he makes of his life what did they discover within six months he gets married he gets divorced he loses a truck and he now owes more money than he he had originally and he originally moved into a hotel and all this stuff but then at the end he went back to living underneath the bridge so the conclusions that the producers and kind of the conversation of the show was about was that it's kind of like this set point where I gathered at least you know definitely wasn't the conversation but there's kind of a set point capacity of what we feel that we deserve right and once we get to a certain level and we don't feel safe in that new level we will behave in such ways that will return us back to the level that we feel we deserve in health in wealth in love it's all there right and so it's protection it's not self-sabotage and as I go deeper into the world of healing trauma it becomes more and more clear that self-sabotage is actually self-protection so how do we do this well I'm going to give you um kind of like a little I'll do a little um I'll use this little thing here boom there it is okay by the way just wanted to show this off it's pretty cute hey so so what happens so there are four needs
of our person personality
personality or our ego this is ego protection all right there's four needs okay the first one is certainty
this is familiarity this is a sense of control a sense of kind of like yeah this is predictable right and so what will happen is we will self-protect so that we can create something that's predictable what does that mean it's uh you know this one person who said this right here she said this is the perfect example uh when what is her name merrily merrily basically said I don't feel right when things are going good I don't feel right when things are going good it doesn't feel safe it doesn't feel safe to be safe so what will I do I will start [ __ ] up I will burn [ __ ] down I will light [ __ ] on fire figuratively or literally you know you see people doing this you see people burning [ __ ] up it's a really great analogy actually I burned it to the ground why well because there's a familiarity there growing up as a child there was so much chaos there was so much lack of safety that I developed a habituation of stress survival chemicals in my body and so when I'm in a relationship and things are going good it feels unfamiliar so I'm going to start an argument that's what my last relationship did I remember things were going great we were trying to heal and we were trying to fix this toxic mess in the early stages of what I was learning in in real time of what I'm kind of now teaching um I remember everything was going great and then all of a sudden she would just start to get really like hostile towards me and this is when I started doing the inner deep inner work and then I paused and I said you're trying to start a fight aren't you because everything's going actually really well and she's like damn it yeah I am and it's because all throughout her life was absolute chaos she constantly lived she lived with a a a drug addicted mother who did everything she could to make make ends meet and she would you know physically abuse her neglect her there was there wasn't food sometimes uh and her mother was you know not there and sometimes would get very hostile and she had to be hyper Vigilant right so this those stress chemicals the survival stress chemicals are very are they become a home away from home so when you get into a relationship that feels secure you're like [ __ ] that I'm Gonna Leave This dude it's totally safe and secure and I'm going to go after the guy who is like cheating on me and treating me like absolute garbage I'm just like a moth to a flame why why do I sabotage cross it out I'm self-protecting I'm bringing myself to a state of certainty let me know if any of that resonates with you number two our need our ego protects us
with a state of uncertainty we need a sense of adventure you know it's just enough to get our neurochemistry alive right if you're in a ho-hum doe drum type of existence don't be surprised if you do things that appear to be self-sabotaging because it develops a sense of adventure you know it's like oh I crashed my car or oh I lost all my money you know it's like the Gambler who just there's a little bit of an addiction to losing the money it's like oh Mark it's this adventure it's this climb it's this Rebellion it's this uh one of the ways that I used to do it was before Live Events I would notice a chaos would be created I think it was outside of me but then when I started really looking and observing this I saw that it was actually me doing it to me unconsciously because I like to have this little um Rebellion this little hero's journey just before I begin uh and kind of got high off of the the victory of it so sometimes we create conflict some of us some of you know you might be listening not even aware that the conflicts that you keep running into in your life are a unconscious strategy to maintain the sense of uncertainty and drama we love it because it's again the certainty of familiarity so there's a little bit of both let me know if any of that resonates with you in your story of self-sabotage okay or self-protection number three is significance
we definitely definitely definitely have this deep desire to be significant to stand out to be important right why am I always late I sabotage my life with lateness uh I self-protect my ego that doesn't feel very worthy doesn't feel important and then I show up late on accidentally on purpose so that I can get my significant needs met and protect that wounded child from feeling insignificant
when I started seeing that it was like whoa that just blew my mind and then now as we help our clients through these self-sabotaging behaviors and get them to really see by taking them through these exercises walking them through helping you see your blind spots ah the first step to this by the way we're doing what I'm doing right now whether you're aware of it or not is walking you through some deep Shadow work what we call dancing with your Dark Passenger and this is why people don't do this level of work because it's really uncomfortable let me know if you're noticing yourself like wanting to barf or puke if that's the case then you're actually doing it right this is part of the purification process it's a very spiritual process and that's what cycle Breakers do people who kind of do therapies to kind of stay on the surface and just tell the story are are learning something and it's interesting but they're not actually healing that's just a coping strategy to be a cycle breaker we got to be willing to go deeper and be really uncomfortable with the truth and part of that is going yeah you know what I uh I get sick and I fall and I I get injured because I get to be important
now here's the interesting thing about our ego when we're dancing with our Dark Passenger other people can see it it's just we can't so it takes a sense of trust with a guide and a community for you to be somewhere and then have a conversation imagine 50 people 40 people having this conversation so you can find commonality and go wow I'm not the only I'm not the only [ __ ] that unconsciously uh shows up late so that I can feel important or uh totally starts a fight because it was just so familiar what I what I know it's just so vomit worthy when you first discover this but until we make the unconscious conscious it will rule our life and you'll call it Faith oh poor man all the self-sabotage you're a little more powerful than you think when you're able to look at the truth this way and the fourth one the reason why we the needs that we have and these behaviors that we do unconsciously that seem self-sabotaging what we're doing it is we're self-protecting it's a way of getting connection
so a classic example of this is people getting sick because they need connection how many times have we seen have I worked with families because we help heal family Dynamics where a classic example of a woman from South Africa she's a physiotherapist from South Africa with three boys and all three of these boys were estranged none of them were talking to one another and so she came to the um overview experience workshop and she was trying to come to terms with the fact that her sons who she absolutely loved highest value is family and her family was kind of ripped apart and she was healing from cancer and she realized that it was the cancer that brought the boys together and she just started bawling when she realized that her body wasn't failing her she wasn't sabotaging herself her body it wasn't self-sabotage uh it wasn't a betrayal that her body was doing her body was actually intelligently working to help her get her highest values and needs met which was connection as soon as she saw that what do you think happened to her nervous system just complete regulation there was no more war there was no more [ __ ] cancer type of conversation but it was more of a opening and wow her heart opens and lo and behold she becomes more connected and she heals as part of her healing I'm not saying that was the thing that healed her of course she did all the other important things that she felt were necessary on her healing Journey it's just whenever somebody is dealing with a chronic illness we need to do we need to be looking under under the Rocks where most people don't look and that's what I'm so um so inspired to teach people is to really look at that is to really observe that and so certainty uncertainty presence and connection are these unconscious reasons these needs that we have these unconscious reasons that if we don't learn how to actively meet those needs we're going to engage in behaviors that sound and feel like sabotage but they're actually protective to help us get those needs met does that make sense and so the goal here is to see it and then create better strategies to get those needs met and to master the art of autonomic nervous system regulation by connecting with those younger parts that are getting their needs met in these kind of let's call them less than desirable behavioral patterns and expand that space between stimulus and response deepen self-love and this is exactly what our work is becoming trigger proof not trigger less but breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma that didn't start with you and you have a story there's a younger self inside of you that didn't feel seen didn't feel heard had trauma with a capital T which we all know of but also trauma with a small T of of growing up in a household where your parents didn't really know how to meet your emotional needs hence passing down those cycles of intergenerational trauma down to you in your nervous system see what you're living with right now in your body if you're feeling the state of background kind of like angst this free-floating anxiety that's all around you especially during a time like this where families are being divided where people aren't speaking to one another people are losing their jobs people are being forced to do things people are dying because of either a disease or the side effects of the treatments of these disease and foreign systems are completely disregulated and it is impacting our Behavior our forward movement in life our health our relationships and the only way to kind of come on you know come to the other side of this [ __ ] of a the past couple years is to make sure that we are autonomically regulated that we know how to become the active operators of our own nervous systems and not wait for some fantasy outside of us like some president or some vaccine or some pill or some you know something some check from the government that's going to finally have me feel safe in my body this lack of safety and anxiety this angst that's deep within our nervous system didn't start with us didn't start with the pandemic it was there long before it's just the pandemic has now exposed it all and now we can't hide all of the [ __ ] that we've been stuffing down and now becomes the time to break that cycle so if you've been dealing with this perception of self-sabotage which now hopefully you're now seeing from a different light and you really want to learn how to regulate that and you see yourself in this conversation and you want to basically say look it sucks that I do this but there's you know so many things that I want to do with this life there's not a lot of time left I mean try this on this is an exercise that I want you to do take the take 95 and then subtract your age I'm 45 so there's 50. and then multiply that by 365. so if I live to be 95 that's how many days that I have left okay now the first half of my life was just I learned a lot of crazy cool [ __ ] a lot of accomplishments that I'm proud of a lot of successes but there were some cataclysmic [ __ ] of breakdowns that I had no idea was like an unconscious mess and I'm committed that the 18 250 days that I have left I am moving forward in kind of giving my gifts to the universe in acknowledging what my gifts are giving myself permission to live them on my own terms rather than the terms that were embedded into my nervous system from previous Cycles hence the title hence the vision hence the mission and to break that cycle and then create something completely new that I designed not because I'm trying to compensate for an old wound but because I'm truly inspired and it helps to alleviate suffering and I do what I love where I love with whom I love and I'm creating a really great to create a really great family environment for my son so that he can grow up without the same unresolved wounds that I did that's my vision and so this community is growing of cycle Breakers people who are like all right they're they DM me now people DM me right now and say I've been following your content and I'm ready to be a cycle breaker where do I begin and so I'm super duper grateful to to to drop these little transmissions for you of whatever I'm the conversations that are happening in our community these are people are very brave very vulnerable entrepreneurs teachers doctors stay-at-home moms dads mothers and daughters we've had it we have like three mother and daughter combos daughters doing the work inspiring the mother's mothers doing the work inspiring their daughters because the intimacy between their relationship is totally transformed it's kind of spreading like healing is spreading like wildfire like a like a Iris and so my vision is that we have a community Global community of cycle Breakers who are working at going inside and expanding that space between stimulus and response so your triggers aren't running your life you're not living with anxiety and recreating anxious attachments and sabotaging Relationships by just burning [ __ ] up in the form of self-sabotage which is now as you know self-protection if you want to learn how to be the one to protect the self rather than doing it through these unconscious behaviors I want to invite you to jump into our next training uh the link is below and I'll see you at the next perfect time let me know what was most relevant for you in this training if you have any other questions and if you're ready to be a cycle breaker DM me and say I'm ready to be a cycle breaker give it a hashtag where do I begin and we have tons of options depending on your commitment level uh from [ __ ] it I'm ready to uh can I just try out the breath work event you know we have tons of them it's in the it's in our group all the links are posted in the group and the pinned post at the top and uh see you at the next perfect time