F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge | Bake Your Own Damn Cake

In this episode of 'Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley,' Christine dives deep into the concept of living your life according to your own unique recipe. She emphasizes the importance of embracing your individuality, applying frameworks to your personal context, and resisting the urge to download someone else's formula for fulfillment. Sharing personal experiences, Christine highlights the significance of understanding yourself, continuously reexamining your choices, and valuing your own journey. Join Christine as she encourages you to be the head of your life, mix your own brew, and create a life that's authentically yours.

00:00 Welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley
01:22 The Concept of 'Bake Your Own Damn Cake'
02:19 Personal Coaching Insights and Client Experiences
04:53 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Personal Growth
06:44 Navigating Health and Nutrition with a Personal Touch
11:40 The Importance of Autonomy and Personal Agency
19:24 Reflecting on Outsourcing and Personal Fulfillment
24:47 The Value of Self-Knowledge and Unique Paths
33:40 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

Creators and Guests

Host

Christine (HBIC) Spratley

Dynamic Public Speaker | Change Catalyst | Career Navigation Coach

What is F*ck Fear with Christine Spratley: Living Like a Head Bitch In Charge ?

This podcast is for anyone who wants to live like an HBIC—or lives with, works with, marries, dates, or is raising one. Let’s be real: being a Head Bitch in Charge is messy, bold, and unapologetically badass. This is not a guidebook—it’s a pantry.

My guests and I will share the ingredients that we use—what’s worked and what’s failed—as we say “fuck fear” and take action to live a fulfilled life. We cover real-life hacks and deep philosophical pillars to navigate the chaos of everyday life—where some days, my only accomplishment is having a bra on and my teeth brushed.

We’re tackling the daily shit women navigate, from workplace politics to relationships, raising kids, and building careers, all with humor, audacity, and zero filters.

So, tune in—tell your friends, and even your enemies. This isn’t about aging with grace—it’s about aging with mischief, audacity, and a damn good story to tell.

46 - Bake Your Own Damn Cake
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[00:00:00] Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Fuck Fear with Christine Spratley, living like a head bitch in charge. And today, well first of all, we're gonna do shots really quick. Immunity up. Joe, you were saying you were craving these. Yeah. Every time I've got you addicted to shots.

Christine Spratley: Now. Every time we don't do a show, [00:01:00] I'm like, is there, there something's missing? Is there a 12 step program you need to join now? Yeah. All right. Here you go. Bottoms up.

That had a lot of pepper. Yeah. And a lot of ginger minded. How about yours? Yeah. Just chunks of it. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't, it wasn't as smooth. Ooh, that's good though. Ooh. All , if you've looked at the title, it's bake Your Own Damn Cake and use your own recipe and create your own recipe.

Um. A lot of times you've heard me talk about the idea of this podcast being a pantry and having things in it that you can apply in your life, um, or try in your life a little or a lot and take and add to it and see how it works. And so you're really living and baking your own [00:02:00] cake and you're really taking and mixing up your own brew, you know, your own witches brew for your life.

And, um, and seeing how much of this works and how much it doesn't work in your situation. So I, I was coming across, um. Some things the other day and with a couple of my clients, and one of them was, well just give me, sometimes in coaching people go, well, just give, tell me what to, you know, gimme that advice or tell me what to do or gimme these things.

And, um. The other thing that happens in coaching sometimes is we'll get to where they have, they go, oh, this is, this is what's really going on and this is what I need to do. And I'll be like, yeah. And they'll be like, you knew that? I was like, well, I thought. And they're like, why didn't you tell me? And again, I always like, I always say, it's better for you to know than me to know.

It's better for you to find it out than me to know. And that [00:03:00] doesn't mean that I don't, you know. Give people feedback and things of that nature. But again, it's about the journey that they do, and it's about the journey that I do. So this segment is about you can't download some somebody else's formula for fulfillment, whether it be small or big in all four areas.

You can't download the exact script and say boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Um. Because you are a unique and amazing person. You have your own experiences, you have your own interpretations of things, you have your own baggage, you have your own gloriousness, and with that comes, you are going to apply it in your own way.

Things are going to mean different to you, Joe, than they mean to me. And so. I, I call it the big [00:04:00] box. I, I learned this when I took the, the course at MIT on ai and they call it the big box syndrome, where, um, words mean are big box words and they're all encompassing. Well, I, I, I, I say this a lot in coaching.

Well, what does that look like? I don't wanna say, what does that mean? I always say, what does that look like? Um, because it, it, it tends when you dig down deep. That word, we could use the same word, but it looks like something different to you than it does to me. Good example is dating apps and everybody uses all the same words.

They all want the same things, but it's very, very different when it comes to what that looks like. So the whole idea is that I don't get to live a life that is fulfilling, that is run by somebody else's formula. Um, and so that doesn't mean that I can't use their framework, but I have to know [00:05:00] how much.

The framework to apply, when to apply it, when it works best to apply it in my life. Um, I don't get to skip the knowing and the knowing comes from understanding and researching me and spending time with me. And as you've heard me say, a lot of times, the knowing a lot of time comes from the gray. And being in the hallway.

You've heard me say this a couple times in, in my podcast about sometimes I'm in the hallway and I'm just trying to figure things out. I'm not in any room. I'm not defined yet. It's not figured it out. I haven't figured out what box I belong to today. It's, I'm still in this weird space in the hallway, but that comes, that allows me to be in the knowing and so.

I really was dealing with that because I so want somebody to give me this script. [00:06:00] And I was talking about it with my, um, some people that kind of are my business mentors. And we were laughing because one of 'em said, Christina, if we gave you the script, you wouldn't follow it anyway. And I was like, well, fuck you.

And, and, and he, and he was like, no, you, you would follow parts of it, but you, you don't have the same exact product that we have. You don't have the same exact approach that we have. You don't have the same exact life that we had when we were starting our businesses. I thought about that for a minute and I was like, that's really true.

When I lost, um, I was, I was up to 2 0 3. At my heaviest, and I started taking, um, at that time it was majano, um, and, um, and then I started losing weight. And you're supposed to, well, you're supposed to when you get on the shot, and a lot of people different, use different shots, but I, that's what I took.[00:07:00]

And you're supposed to, you know, like learn to eat better and do all that stuff. Well, of course I didn't. I just lost the weight. And then control group. I mean, if it's gonna work, it's gonna work, right? Yes, it worked and I started and I lost the weight, but I didn't change anything. And then I started getting close to my target weight and I was like, oh my God, I haven't changed my lifestyle and.

So I was like, I better figure this shit out. So I hired a nutritionist, a diet, a registered dietician, because I found out that registered dieticians are typically covered. They were covered by my insurance and a lot of times they are in full. And, um, I hired her, Danielle, and we'll put her link in the podcast and on the website and everything, but.

I got in there and I started working with her and I'm so used to working with people that give me a meal plan and that do this and do that and do this, and, um, told me what I could couldn't eat. And I remember writing her this big, huge, long letter and going, [00:08:00] listen, I, this is what I'm not gonna do. I'm not gonna eat.

Healthy food that tastes like shit and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so I met with her and she was completely laid back and um, which bounces me out and. I remember the first thing she said was, show me your pantry. And it was right after Thanksgiving. So we had like, and we had hosted Thanksgiving at, at our house when, um, at our, at my, the old place where I used to live with my ex.

And um, so we had like Oreo cook double stuffed Oreo cookies. And I mean, I had Thanksgiving food because when people come to Thanksgiving, the way we used to do it was they'd come for like three or four days and we would have breakfast. Lunch and dinner every day and snacks in between. And, um, so it was just jam full and it wasn't jam full of healthy foods.

It was jam full of like lots of good food. And so I was like, oh my God, I can't show you this. And she's like, no, show me. And so we, she's like, well, we're gonna go through this. We're gonna, [00:09:00] no. And I was like, do you mean to throw away? She's like, no, we're gonna, you're gonna eat through this. I'm not gonna have you go out and buy things.

And what I, and I was like, so mortified. She taught me a lot of different things about, um. I, a lot of preconceived notions and beliefs that I had that didn't apply in my life. And so she said, and then as, as it gets down, we're gonna start replacing them with things that you like, um, that are healthy. But part of what I, my journey with her.

Was learning about what worked and what didn't work for me to eat. So first we tried, 'cause I was not eating 'cause I was on the shot, so I wasn't hungry. So she's like, we gotta get you to eat. Okay, so let's just worry about that. So we tried the, you know, eat multiple meals a day and snacks and this and that and the other thing.

And. And I just couldn't do it. I mean, I set timers, I set, um, appointment minders on my calendar and it just wasn't working. So we tried different things and 'cause at that time I was still [00:10:00] working at Deloitte and so I would literally get up on days that I'd go into the office, I'd be up and I'd be out and I'd be in the office by, you know, by seven 30 And I would get home and, um, and then work and work till late or if I was working at home, which I did most of the time.

Um. I literally was up in the office by seven and didn't come down till like seven 30 or eight at night, and maybe got up and walked a little bit or something. Took a break outside. So it was always one of these things where I had to find out and what worked for me. I even tried to use this app that literally.

Um, would tell you, give you red, red if it was bad for you, green if it was good for you and yellow if it was okay. And she, I remember I was so proud of her and I was like, this is the app I found. And she's like, nah. And I was like, what? She's like, you can't farm it out. She's like, and again, she was like, you don't know why it's good for you.

You don't know why it's bad for [00:11:00] you. And what it, she said, if you haven't eaten anything with fat in it all day long. Your body needs that if, if you haven't eaten anything with this nutrient in it all day long, it, it needs that. Now. You don't need to eat that all day long, then it's bad, but, and so it taught me that I didn't have any context for the, they didn't have any context about my life.

About what I had eaten, what nutrients I had in meat, you know, like any of that. It was just giving me this sterile number. Now that isn't that I can't use it, but again, I have a framework, but I have to apply it to my life. That means I can't farm it out. The other thing she told me was, she says, we've gotta figure out what works for you, what you like.

Because the lifestyle that you have today may change during busy season. You are [00:12:00] working 68, 5 hours a week. And, and so there's, it's different than when you're not in busy season or when you know, and, and maybe you know, or. It's different when you have kids and they're two and seven versus when you have teenagers versus when they're off to college.

Your lifestyle's looking different. So I was like, oh, that means that my eating's gonna be different. That means that it's gonna be this ebb and flow. That means there's not gonna be a constant, one thing that fits all forever and I never have to think about it again. And there's, that's really hard. And I think we've talked about it on here a couple times about what's wrong.

A lot of times with, you know, sometimes politics or sometimes, you know, having the hard discussions is we wanna [00:13:00] farm it out. We want the simple solution. Or I do a lot of times because that requires less of me. It requires less tolerance of myself, less investigation, and surely less tolerance of you. Um, and, and it's easier, but it's also a hell of a lot less fulfilling.

Yeah. I think we like the formula so much because we like to boil things down to that's good or that's bad. But I'm gonna take you one step farther than that. Why do we do that? Why do we like that so much? Because then I don't have to put any energy into it. Right? I don't have to live in the gray. I don't have to be in the hallway.

I get to I get to absorb your opinion, your framework, and go, this is it. That's it for me. I'm done. Mm-hmm. I don't have to get outside of my box and go, well what about this [00:14:00] scenario? And what about that scenario? And what about this scenario? I don't have to run those traps because that's when it gets uncomfortable.

And you know, I used to say in in site selection, you know, the thing that companies hated was uncertainty and risk. You know, that was their risk. It was the unknown and the uncertainty. We as people hate that too. And so I will a lot of times, you know, I remember I bought how many exercise tapes. You know, I don't do aerobics, I don't do exercise tapes.

I don't, um, but that's what I've done. I, I heard this, um, on Instagram the other day and it was a quote and I'm gonna screw it up, so I'll try and find it so we can find it. But it was no. No person can lead a country if they're not willing to abandon their political party. Didn't say [00:15:00] they had to abandon, but they're not willing to.

And it was because a political party is this, you know. It is this. This is what we stand on. And it's like, all right, but in order to lead or in order to be, you have to be able to go. I got to shift from that. I've got to pivot from that. And again, we talked about that. I want this good or bad, black or white.

I want it. So it is very concrete decided and we can move on from that. And I never have to revisit it again because that shit sucks. And I talk about it in the sense of fulfillment because. Relationships, how many times have we seen on the, you know, in the world of influencers and, and things like that, um, you've seen, you know, if you do these five things in your relationship every day, you've heard me.

There's, there's a book that I was reading and, and it was, um, I was like, oh, this is kind of, you know, a self-help book, whatever. And, [00:16:00] it was good. And I related to some things and then she's like, yeah, and you need to have sex with your husband. You need to try the 365 sex, you know, sex for 365 every day for, and I was like, I literally was like, shut the book.

Fuck that. There fucking happening. Like, I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. And granted, it may have worked for some people. But it wasn't working in my, that, that were my thing. And that didn't mean that I couldn't get the results that I wanted or you know, but it, that, that I wasn't gonna do that.

And so when I live in the absolute of I have to adopt your program, you know, um, this is how you make, again, I'm starting my business. So it's like, you know, this is the, the six figure side hustle. You know, this is, um. This is how you do it. And when I read things like that, I have to sit there and I have to go, is this is, is this how I do it?[00:17:00]

What resonates, what doesn't resonate? Relationships? Is this how I do it? Religion, okay. Everybody's, you know, I just said their religion. Is this how I do it? Maybe it's, I dunno. [00:18:00] in my very first episode, I think I talked about the idea, and I, I believe this comes from atomic habits. Um, the idea that when you feel something and you go, Ooh, it's because you have a belief about something, and it's like, check out what those beliefs are.

Is that somebody else's belief? Is that somebody else's formula? You see it all the time in take this real estate class and do these 20 things and this formula. I mean, and that works certain times and it may work for, but does it work for me? Yeah. A lot of that stuff just seems so outta context because they're not filling [00:19:00] in this, the point that you think you've been, you've been making very well, the context is completely different.

They're like, follow these six steps for real estate. Well, you started with a million dollars, sir. That's not in my pantry right now. Yeah. Or, or again, it's, it's these six steps. But, but do I need all six of 'em? What if you start with 2 million? Do I get to do it different? Right. Um, you know, why is this, and again, I'm kind of, I want my listeners, I want you guys to think about this.

What are you reaching out for, to absorb and download? What formulas are you using? And I'll even say this in, in my experience, and this is just my experience with the 12 step program of AA, was. And they used to say, we don't, you know, we don't tell, you don't have to do anything. Right. We don't, you don't [00:20:00] have to do anything.

Right. Because if it was, then it'd be, you know, it it, you know, you, we suggest these are suggested steps. These are suggested ways. Now granted they have clubs and things like that, and so like, you know, and they, but you don't have to do anything. And they were so gracious because there were a lot of times where I didn't do what they suggested and I should have, or I could have, I probably would've had a different outcome, or I didn't do it yet.

I did it my way until it became too hard. Um, but again, it's, it's one of those things where I've got to apply it to me so that when my condition changes, when I get a result that I didn't expect, I can understand why I got that result and what I need to do to pivot. One of the things that I was told when I started this was that if I tell people that I don't have their answers, then why will they pay me? Okay. 'cause you're the expert. And it was [00:21:00] like, you gotta give, you got to, you gotta market and tell yourself.

And I'm like, I, I get that. I, I get that. I don't wanna pay you for therapy. Um, if I'm going to a coach, I'll pay a therapist for that, that's licensed and dah, dah. But I also don't wanna bullshit people and say, this is what. Your path is if I haven't even sat down with you and don't know anything about you.

And, and, and what's, what's interesting is that I've learned as I've done through coaching and, and different people, um, in different conversations, is that there, especially for clients when I was at, in my journey, especially at EY and at Big Four, or at EY and Deloitte. Clients that I love to work with were clients that would, you would go, I don't have that answer yet.

Let me know more about [00:22:00] you. Let me know more about this, and then I can figure this out. Clients that, because they were the ones that understood when I wanted to tweak something, they were like, yeah, that fits. And this is why it fits, because you customized this or, and, and when you did a lot of the framework and everything, but that's when it's good.

There's never two projects that are this exact same. Um, they may have the same jobs, they may have the same investment, they may have the, you know, but, but they're never the exact same. There's always some tweak about them, and I think it's very interesting, and I want my audience to think about this. What are you trying to outsource?

What part of your life are you trying to outsource? And I am the queen of outsourcing. I, I like to outsource that stuff, but what I've realized is that I need to do a lot of the work. If I'm gonna outsource that I need to, I need to do the [00:23:00] work to make and research. Is this what I, is this who I outsource it to?

Is this the formula that works? Is this where, and again, there's two different parts of the work. There's the execution, which people go, oh, I'm, I'm doing the work. I'll implement these, you know, steps. Or I'll, I'll do these five things of, of this formula to do this rich. And they're wondering why it doesn't work.

It's because the first part of the work, which is the knowing and the research and the understanding of self, does that even apply?

Have to admit that I got into what I did because I needed a job. And then I stayed there because I was good at it. And then I wondered why I was no longer fulfilled when the money was, you know, after a while it was like the money wasn't, you know, that was great, but okay. And it was because I never did the research is to, does this, what makes you fulfilled?[00:24:00]

What do you like? And what I've learned is that there's lots of things about that industry that I love doing, but I don't love doing those. I love doing those types of thinking and problem solving, and that's what fulfills me. I love going through the maze and the puzzle and, and working with people and, you know, um, doing those things that can be taken into a lot of different arenas.

My technical expertise was in those AR in that particular industry. But the fact of the things that I love now, I get to do those things with people. I get to do it with speaking and I get to do it with coaching. So I can't outsource that one size we've, you know, does not fit all. Um, and this is about having your agency, your autonomy.

And when I outsource, [00:25:00] just by default, I give that autonomy away. And a lot of times I didn't even know that I had done that by default. You know, a lot of times I didn't realize that. Society had put me in this box, and so I just kind of grew up in this box. I didn't realize the impact my family and religion and all of those things had on me, and so they weren't my choices.

And then when I got to a point where I just could choose, I was like, well, yeah, those are my choices. But I never really sat there and did that time and spent that because it was easier than looking at it and going, do I still want this? Do I still want this? Is this still working for me?

I am [00:26:00] just amazed at I, I had a friend when I was in Dallas. She was a nanny. We were both nannies and she was, she was from Sweden, her name was Camilla, and she was in a relationship even though she was over in the States. Um, and they're still together. And they've never been married. Never been married.

They've raised kids, they've raised family, never been married. Now you know, everybody that's, you know, got their own opinions about that. They got a belief about it. But I'll tell you what, they've chosen that relationship every single day. Those kids are amazing. It's, it's so, it's like, again, that was the choice.

They reexamine this because there wasn't this thing that said you have to do this, and, and I'm not saying that works for everybody. Again, that's not saying that, but I'm saying, why am I still choosing this? Or am I still choosing it? Am I choosing it because someone told me I had to because it's [00:27:00] what I've committed to.

Or have I woken up and said, no, I'm committing to this again today. I'm committing to working on my business. I'm committing to looking at who I am today and am I fulfilled, does what fulfill me? You know, what is it that you can't eat enough to sustain you through today? Eventually, if you don't look at it and feed yourself, and I can't live off of yesterday's mail

and I. Think that the trap is common opinion and common belief of it's gonna be easier if I just go along if it is just black and white. But how much of it is really black and white until we get out to the extremes? Then they're predict. But, but when you want to get into, so if we're on the [00:28:00] both sides of the extremes of whatever, and we've got all this way in here to get to the middle, right?

That means there's all of these other points of views and all of this gray in this, you know, there's all these other shades. I mean, go stand in Sherman Williams paint department and look at that stuff. There's all these other colors. You know, it reminds me of, of in Talladega Knights, you are the first or you're last.

It's like, well now there's everything in between and I'm not gonna go into the, why do you the listener want it black or white right now? Why? I'm not gonna go into all of that. That's for you and your time, but look at your live. What are you outsourcing? What have you boiled down to a single line or phrase [00:29:00] and where this started getting me was one, I'm dealing it with some of the people that I'm working with, but two, I was talking with a business mentor and, and she asked me, she said, how does it feel?

Because I came up on my one year anniversary since I left corporate. Said, how do you feel? You know, where are you at? And I'm like, I'm still confused. I'm still in the hallway. I said, you know, there are things that I thought I knew that are now changing and there's some things that I kind of got that I know now.

And, and, um, and she said, well, do you wanna go back? And I said, no. And so what I've learned is that being in the gray, being in the hallway. Um, walking my own path sometimes skipping, running, jumping, singing, sometimes crawling on my knees, crying, but doing that is better than where I was. [00:30:00] And I think to your point of we like to get to the yes or the no, the black or the white, the good or the bad, that is because I don't think I can tolerate the space in between.

Yeah. And I think we overvalue other people, like you're saying other people's, we want other people to tell us what's right and wrong for us or good or bad, but the challenge is it's just not that simple. Like you're different. Like you're saying like you're, something might be good for me and bad for you, might be bad for you, might be good for me.

Well, and I would even take a step back from that in that that's not their job. Right. That's my job. My job and, and my job is to grow the fuck up. I am to, I am supposed to raise the, I am the human I'm supposed to raise. I am supposed to make these decisions for myself and use frameworks and guidelines that align with [00:31:00] me and make sense to me.

That's not someone else's job, it's. My job to go, yeah, this aligns and this is what I think is good, or this is that I think is bad or, or This is what I do and this is what I don't do. This is what fulfills me and this is why so much of dealing with the whole idea of fulfillment around people is getting them to.

Ask that next question. We talked about it with the advice monsters and, um, you know, and what else and what else. So today what I'd like you to do is just, first of all, one, think about you, just like you as far [00:32:00] as autonomy, like you, yourself, your history, your past, your past, your future, like all of those things, your environment.

And how unique and wonderful that is. And then take a moment and go, what am I giving up autonomy on? What am I outsourcing? I, and if you want to, you can look at the next question, which is, what am I without that? Maybe you still end up at that same point. Maybe that seven step process is still the step process that you do.

Maybe the beliefs that you hold are still the same, maybe they're not, but it'll mean more to you than someone else. When you switch the light bulb on in your life, [00:33:00] it means more than when someone else does it. Because then you always have access to that light. You always have that knowledge in you. If I am always giving out to everything else and waiting for someone else to give me the answers, then I have to wait for someone else to give me my happiness, my fulfillment, all of those things.

And again, I think that is the job we are here at to do, is to live and to grow up. And that is my, that is my job. And that doesn't mean that I don't have a framework that people work through with fuck fear. And that doesn't mean that I, that I don't guide people through things. And that doesn't mean that you can't, I mean.

You all have hacks about your [00:34:00] life, but that's why we get a pantry. That's why we put 'em all in there. And then today we go, Ooh, I'm gonna use this trick or, and I'm gonna use that trick and I'm gonna use five cups of this and 10 gallons of that. And then I may go, Ooh, I used that last time and it sucks, so I'm gonna use a teaspoon.

Or, I didn't like the taste at all, so I'm gonna kick that puck bee out, but I'm gonna leave it on there. I'm gonna leave it in the pantry because maybe in 10 years I'll use it. I don't know.

No one else can live your life. That's what I had to, and no one, you know, pink says it in her song, you know, all I know so far, you know, people act like they know, but they don't. And that's the beauty is that we get to know ourselves. We get to know our relationships. We get to, [00:35:00] that's what makes them matter.

So you are enough. You are worth finding out and knowing about yourself. And no one, no one is worth. Giving up your autonomy for,

because that is the precious thing that you are. That's what you have. So today, ladies and gentlemen, think about it. There's no shortcuts. It's your own recipe,

and that's what makes it taste so good. Until next time, tubs. [00:36:00]