Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Unashamed Unafraid is a show dedicated to being unashamed about sexual addiction recovery and unafraid of coming unto Christ for healing. Pornography and sexual addiction are not something you are stuck with to manage your whole life. We share real stories of recovery, the best resources, information from experts, and answer anonymous questions with those who know. All to help you on the path of being 100% healed from pornography and sexual addiction.
I walk the walk.
Truth on the mic, no shame
here, just real talk.
Came from the outside, never fit in.
Now we tell the story
and the healing begins.
No front, no mask, just telling the truth.
Keep it real, keep it raw,
speaking straight from the booth.
If you feeling like an
outsider, this one's for you
Welcome to another episode
of Unashamed, Unafraid.
We are unashamed of sexual
addiction recovery and unafraid
of coming unto Christ for healing.
Mason, let's check in on recovery, man.
How's it going?
Man, this one's gonna
be definitely unashamed.
I- it's been rough.
Today was kinda rough.
I was actually late coming here
'cause I was acting out, and
that, that's hard for me to admit.
That's tough.
That's a tough one for me.
I have a lot of shame around being
late, just being r- the way I was
raised, but that's why we're here.
We say a prayer before
everything, and that honestly
brought a lot of peace to me.
For some reason, that prayer just
really spoke to me, just saying
like, "Dude, like, you're here.
We're doing what we're supposed to be
doing, and you have something to give."
So that was just a small
little sunshine for me.
I don't remember what podcast
I was listening to, but they
were talking about Peter.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And one of them said, "Man,
Christ must have been so
bummed, like, 'Come on, Peter.
You got out on the water-" Yeah.
and then you saw the wind boisterous.
Like, look what you were doing, man.'"
Yeah, yeah.
And the other host was like, "No, I
don't think He was disappointed at all."
Hmm.
"I think that Christ was just happy
that Peter got out of the boat."
Yeah.
So bonus points for getting
out of the boat today, man.
Sometimes it's all we
can do to just show up.
Thanks, man.
Sam, how you doing, man?
I don't know.
And that's an honest answer today.
I don't know how I'm doing.
Hmm.
Something I opened up my eyes to recently,
and this was after we did the Drew
Boa podcast- Hmm ⦠was that I'm so
emotionally dishonest about how I'm doing.
Yeah.
"I'm doing good, man.
I'm doing good."
I'm not actually doing good.
Yeah.
I'm somewhere, I'm somewhere in between.
I don't- Hmm ⦠necessarily know.
Sam (2): I think I'm really
tired, but I feel optimistic about
recovery, how recovery's going.
I think I'm learning a lot
about how to meet my needs.
Nice.
But, uh, I don't necessarily
know how I'm doing today.
Thanks for your honesty, man.
Well, let's introduce our
guest today, Michael Farr.
Michael Farr grew up in the
Venice Beach area of Los Angeles.
A life ruled by the music world, and
started a career as a rock photographer.
I've never met a rock photographer before.
Me either.
Fun fact.
Your hobbies include Spartan
racing, which is pretty cool.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'd love to hear about how that's- Yes
that piece of recovery fits into things.
It, it's an important one, actually.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's good.
And you're proud to be a father of
your son, Wesley, and a dedicated
partner to your beautiful wife, Jenny.
Mm-hmm.
Michael, how are you, man?
Hi, guys.
I wanna be careful about how I
answer that after your share.
Um, I like what you both said, and
I appreciate the honesty big time
. It gives me a pass to be honest as
well, and so that's very helpful.
It kinda grounds me in that.
Told you guys I was nervous
to be here, and it's because
I wanna be liked, you know?
I-- that's a part of my addiction.
I find myself often not
telling the truth to be liked.
Mm.
And that's a struggle.
But I appreciate what
you just shared, man.
It's like, how am I doing?
I'm doing good.
I mean, I could be doing
worse, uh, as you'll hear.
Yeah.
I mean, there's levels.
Like, I, I've set the bar pretty low, man.
It's, it's a, it's a tragic story,
but it's a beautiful one because
g- it's God-inspired, you know?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, the s- the story is all God.
So I can't wait to tell it.
Well, I agree with you, man,
and I, I, I do believe it's
God-inspired that you're here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So thanks for hopping on with
us, and thanks for, thanks for
being willing to be on ashamed.
For sure.
It's a little wild how I got here.
Do, do you know how I got here?
Was it Steven that- Steven.
Okay.
So we were at a, a, a, a gathering
called Failed Fest, okay?
So get this, it's a bunch of entrepreneurs
talking about their failures.
Mm.
And it's a festival.
So it's a bunch of people, you
know, talking about failing and
how failing was a good thing.
. What they learned from it.
And it's like the failure
was the inspiration.
What they learned was
what God was teaching.
So at one point, they grouped us up, Steve
was in my group, and they made us talk
to each other, and they're like, "Theâ¦
How this works in entrepreneur
world is it's not what you're
doing, it's who you know."
Yeah.
And so w- we had to introduce each other
and tell each other what we're about.
And I had talked about, you
know, basically, what yourâ¦
w- what is a hope and dream?
And I said, "Well, I'm hoping to put
together a, a podcast of my own."
And he, "Okay, I'm gonna help.
I'm gonna hook you up with somebody."
Mm-hmm.
And then I tried to hook him up
with somebody and, you know, and
that's how we met you guys, so.
Right.
Yeah.
That's so cool.
It's pretty cool.
The, the, the people that end up on
our podcast aren't here by accident.
Right.
I'm sure of that.
Yeah, same.
So I'm glad you're here , man.
Yeah, thank you.
This is cool.
Yeah, thank you.
Have you started the podcast yet?
No, I haven't.
But it's coming.
It's brewing.
Sam: So let's hear your story, man.
Where should we start?
I was born in LA in 1958.
My parents were young.
By two, my father had left and, you
know, when Dad leaves at two, your
first impression of God is your father.
Hmm.
That's Father, and if Dad leaves,
what does that say about God?
Yeah.
God left, man.
I know internally that that, that
hurt, and now, having a kid, I can't
even imagine what it would feel
like for Wesley if I just bounced,
. That created a schism for me.
And by six- I had a stepdad who,
you know, bless his heart, man,
he loved my mom enough to, to try
with me, but we did not get along.
We had a very contentious relationship.
He's a literal rocket scientist.
He was spying on Russia
during the Cold War.
He's- Did he ev- did he ever say-
Wow ⦠"It's not rocket science" to you?
No, but he, he- ⦠like, he often implied
directly that I wasn't very bright . Mm.
And I could understand why.
I was just reckless and very defiant.
Mm.
And, you know, when you don't
have the dad that you had, you put
him on a pedestal and you- Mm-hmm
⦠brutalize the stepdad . Mm-hmm.
And so that poor guy got it.
I don't think he really cared for me,
and I certainly didn't care for him
, and that was nobody's fault, you know?
It was just the way it was.
Then they had my stepsister, they had
a child in the house that I was growing
up in, and I just felt isolated, man.
I didn't feel part of that family.
I knew my mom was trying to make it
right, but when you're young, you just
get these impressions and they become
beliefs, and then the beliefs become
your reality, and I believed that I
was unlovable and unlikable, and that
I probably wouldn't add up to anything.
And that really set me
up, as you could imagine.
That was just like, the bar is low,
so if I'm unlovable and unlikable,
then I'm gonna create a character
and I'm gonna be that character
that gets attention however he can.
Hmm.
And eventually, that evolved
into hardcore addiction.
It started when I was about 11.
All the cool kids were doing
it, and I wanted to be cool,
you know, as you can see.
And we were off to the races.
So that's how it began.
So tell us about that age, 11.
Yeah.
So, uh, age 11, I'm living in Playa
Del Rey, which is Venice adjacent . My
dad's going on a lot of trips.
My mom's got the baby, and
I'm just- diving into music.
I'm spinning records in my room , and
I'm getting into that world, and
that world was highly drug-fueled
. We're talking late '60s, '70s.
I was 10 in '68, so, you know.
I started going to shows . I think
my first concert was, I was 15,
and it was the California Jam, uh,
at Ontario Motor Speedway, and it
was Black Sabbath, Deep Purple,
Emerson, Lake & Palmer, The Eagles.
It was this festival.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm this kid, man, and my
eyes are, you know, huge, and the
craziest stuff's going on, man.
Like, there's a water jug fight,
and everybody had theseâ¦
They had these water stations, and they
had these gallon jugs, and they just
deci- decided, when Deep Purple came on
stage, everybody just starts throwing
them, and it literally looked like a war.
You know, these gallon jugs are flying.
Jeez.
And, and if they hit you, they're
gonna knock you out, you know?
Whoa, man.
And Ritchie Blackmore gets up, and he's
like, he stops playing guitar, and he's
like, "You guys gotta knock it off, man."
That's great.
"This is insane."
And this, literally there's, like,
spouts of water coming out of these jugs.
But it's like a war zone, you know?
Oh, my goodness.
And I'm a kid.
I'm just like, " Whoa , this is crazy."
I'll never forget it.
And then at night, the trash cans get lit
on fire, half the audience is on LSD, man,
and, you know, people are just trippy.
And I'm a kid, and I'm like,
"This is gonna be my life."
I was so taken by that.
For better or worse, I just loved
it, and it made me excited, and
it made me feel part of something
that- Mm ⦠wasn't like my home.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So I just was like, "Okay, you know,
I'm gonna buy records, and I'm gonna
learn about bands, and then that le-
lent itself into photography, because
I was poring over album covers.
It turns out my father, who
had pretty much been gone,
is a wonderful photographer.
Mm.
He passed away just recently,
but an incredible artist and
an art center graduate from LA.
So I kinda have it in me.
Yeah.
You know?
And that's what that time
period was like, you know?
I isolated myself in my bedroom and
in my music, I found a friend group,
you know, that was, like, the same.
And every friend I had had
massive amounts of brothers.
Mm.
And the older brothers were tough as
nails, and they were badasses, you know?
And I was just like, "Oh,
yeah, that's so cool.
These guys are so tough."
I would watch them in, you know, in
action, you know, fighting and so forth
and getting in trouble with the cops.
And the other parents that I gravitated
towards were, back in those days,
bikers were like hippies sort of . They,
wherever they parked their bike was
where they were staying for a minute.
Mm-hmm.
And I remember my best friend, Sean,
his mom was super into hippie stuff,
and her boyfriend was a guy named
Little Dave, and he was a chopper
dude, and he had all his biker friends.
And we would go over there, and
they would just give us acid and
stuff and- Mm ⦠let's see what
the kids would do , you know?
It was, it was pretty wild, man , and it
was frightening, too . I'm 13 years old,
and they said, "You wanna take some acid?"
And we're like, "Sure,"
'cause we wanna be cool.
For sure.
You know, we don't wanna be uncool.
And I had the worst trip.
By the time I got home "I have
no idea what's happening to me,"
and I'm watching orange juice
crash through the ceiling, and-
my mom's a skeleton and I'm just totally
in trouble and- Yeah ⦠you know.
It was not a great experience, but
when I went over to their house,
they were listening to rock and roll.
Mm.
You know, and they were into it.
And I just did not like being at home.
Yeah.
You know?
It's incredible to see how
much of this revolves around,
like, the acceptance you found.
It's like- 100% ⦠I, I went where I felt
liked- Yeah ⦠and where I felt loved.
And where I felt like there weren't
rules, like the same rules didn't apply.
I just really liked that feeling of an
outlaw, and these people were outlaws.
Mm.
And so That fabricated who I
became and, I can't take it back.
Where did sex enter the picture,
and how did that play a, a, a
role in your life at that time?
Yeah, so- You know, like we're talking
late teens probably at this point.
Right.
So this is probably unusual
for this podcast, maybe not,
but I was so scared of girls.
Mm.
Like, I was frightened, man.
I did not- I did not
have the thing, you know?
And I would m- make out with girls.
I remember vividly, I'll
never forget this one girl.
She was finally like, "You know, are you
gonna have sex with me or not, dude?"
Mm-hmm.
And I was like, "No," I just bounced.
'Cause I had no security.
I was very, very insecure inside myself.
Mm-hmm.
And I could play the role pretty good, but
the drug culture was seeping in and so was
the music thing and, and, and so girlsâ¦
Like, I was super late bloomer, man.
I don't even know if I
had sex in high school.
I loved girls.
I liked them a lot, you know?
But I was super repressed, so
when that broke, it was trouble.
And once I started getting
comfortable, it was just on.
Hanging out in Hollywood, sleeping
in my car, going to shows , Motley
Crue singing about strip clubs.
It was just totally switched on.
Once I got into Hollywood and got
into that zone, I couldn't get
enough Definitely mistreating girls-
Mm ⦠you know, for sure, and not
even really understanding that that
was mistreatment . I got m- mad, really
angry at a girl because she didn't
wanna have sex with me because she
said she had herpes, and I threw a fit.
She's totally protecting me.
And I threw a fit.
I threw her, her stuff off the balcony
of my house and said, "Get out."
So, you know, those are amends
that I've had to make because
of that kind of behavior.
And that evolved, man.
It just kept getting worse
and worse and worse, you know?
So my addiction got worse, you know,
it was alcohol and an occasional acid
trip and maybe some pills and repressed
sexuality, and then it was coke- Mm
and alcohol and no repressed sexuality
. Strippers and all that stuff, man.
A lot of debauchery.
I was hanging out with bands
in Hollywood, you know?
I was the photographer guy at that point.
So I was selling coke a lot, and I
needed a job as a front for money
that I was making as a young man.
Mm.
Mm.
You know, m- my buddies are driving
Corvettes and, like, you know, it, it was
obvious, and so we needed to get a front.
So I got a job at a camera store, and
then I started to really love photography.
Mm.
That thing that my father gave me-
Mm ⦠right, switched on alive.
And so now I'm in Marina del Rey in the
'80s, in the heydays, late '70s, early
'80s, selling coke, at a camera store,
buying cameras for cheap and getting
film for nothing and just all of a sudden
exploring photography, and now I'm the guy
with the camera, and the girls like that.
And so I'm utilizing it
to my sexual advantage.
You know- Mm ⦠hey, you
know, I'm that photographer
guy, and I got coke, you know?
Yeah.
So there was many, many,
many, many relationships that
were either undesirable orâ¦
I, I was picking a lot of women
who also had sexual problems,
that they had been raped by their
father, you know, all the stuff that
creates those kind of partnerships.
And I truly believe that, like, my
insecurities matched . Like they
say, when two people have character
defects- They match like gears.
And, you know, when one person
starts to change for the better
that that stops matching.
That was true in my life, too.
What does God look like in that?
I'm glad you asked that question.
My mom was an avid Christian.
You know- Yeah ⦠she was
a Jesus for sure person.
Mm-hmm.
You know, bless her heart.
My dad was a full on atheist, my stepdad.
Mm.
And I didn't know my father really.
I, I ended up going to ArtCenter
where my dad was, he was a graduate
of, and that was super weird.
When I got to ArtCenter and then
the first day of orientation they're
like, "We're gonna have the head
of the department come in and say
a few words," and my dad walks in.
Mm.
And I'm like, "You're shitting me."
You know, like, "This can't be happening
" how did you know it was him?
We look exactly alike.
And matter of fact, he wanted
to kinda keep it a secret.
It, it just, it was impossible.
I look just like him , not surprisingly,
and It was a, it was like a bootcamp.
It was really live, breathe, eat
photography . It was intense.
We had so much work to do that
you couldn't survive, like, not
passing a particular assignment.
Mm.
And the teachers were all working
professionals, and they would literally
just throw your board at the wall
and like, you know, punish you , I
would see students be like in the
hallways crying , and it was intense,
man . And I wasn't used to that.
I was like this coke kid, you know,
like, you know, rock and roll.
Like, I had no idea what that patterning
looked like and so I, I got a real
education that way, too . But my dad,
he was everybody's father except me.
Hmm.
And it was because he didn't
want people to think I was
getting preferential treatment.
Mm.
It was that kind of a hard school.
I learned a lot about him when he
passed away , 'cause I went through
his storage locker with my brother
. I just think he was an
addict, too, you know?
And he had five ex-wives- Mm ⦠and
three kids, and he couldn't do it,
and I think it's because he never
found God my father's taught
me a lot about myself, because
he didn't break the pattern.
Hmm.
He couldn't get free of it.
Hmm.
And he died in a very
strange way, mostly alone.
Um, and he had everything going for him.
He was the most amazing artist, and
the most amazing photographer, and
the coolest cat, and five wives,
and who, and all the affairs, and
he was, r- I'm sure, just like me.
Hmm.
You know?
Just, like, thinking that those things,
the Porsche, and the hot chick, and
everything, just like I did, you
know, was gonna fill the God-sized
hole, and it just does not . Yeah.
And, you know, , some people
don't make it, you know?
I'm just really grateful that
I'm here now and, you know,
I came to the conclusion If
I don't love myself, what I'm
saying is that I don't love God.
Hmm.
And if you ask me, "Do you think
God loves you ?" and I Would say
Michael Farr: yes,
then, "Why don't you love yourself?"
would be the follow-up question.
And it's like, oh,
that's a great question.
Well, I find it interesting.
We asked you who was God to you at
that time- Mm-hmm ⦠and immediately
you started talking about your father.
My father, yeah.
I'm just- 'Cause I didn't have a
higher power at that time . Okay.
I had n- I ⦠My mom was a Christian.
My stepdad was an atheist.
I was confused by that.
Hmm.
And so I just left it alone . Hmm.
And actually, music was my higher power.
I mean, I was just doing that.
I didn't think too much about
it, but I wasn't anti-God.
I, I've always had sort of a,
certain spirituality inside myself
about the world, but I just didn't
like myself, man , you know?
And so all this stuff evolves
out of that principle.
You know?
The story's so long.
I've been sober 20 years,
but this started at 11.
I'm 68 now, so you do the math.
Mm-hmm.
You know?
Like, it's been a gnarly
road- Right ⦠for sure.
I met a girl on a blind date, a Russian
model, and I married her, and we
moved to Tahoe to try to , you know,
geographic, you know, maybe I can just
white picket fence with this woman
and- Yeah ⦠she was a model, actress
who was just tired of the industry.
She kind of saw through it , and I'm,
like, just fresh out of ArtCenter
wanting to be a rock star . Mm-hmm.
And so it didn't work I was driving
back and forth from Tahoe to LA a
lot . I was getting killer gigs.
Embarrassingly enough, I was meeting my
heroes in music, but I was a total mess.
And one night in particular, I
got the honor to photograph a guy
named Stevie Ray Vaughan, and, uh,
after the show, I just threw myself
in his dressing room and I was likeâ¦
I had heard he had gotten sober, and I was
drunk , man, and I'm just like, "Stevie,"
and I'm like, "Look at all these photos.
They're mine," you know, and like
trying to pump myself up, and he was
the sweetest guy and the nicest guy, and
then I- it just popped out of my mouth,
"So what's up with this recovery thing?"
The thing he said made it seem so
cool, and I'll never forget it.
He was like, "Look, man,
I just-- I got a problem.
My problem isn't really alcohol or drugs.
My problem is Stevie, and, uh, I
had to find a better way, and I had
to find a power greater than me."
And even though I was completely wasted,
I heard that , and he made me feel
like a better person after meeting him.
Hmm.
That was remarkable to me.
Now, it would be a long time after
that meeting with him that I got sober.
I ended up leaving that wife, 'cause
I'm banging the, you know, cocktail
waitresses- Hmm ⦠like, because
that's where I'm getting the attention.
I'm the rockstar photographer dude
who's right in between the bands , and
it was very intoxicating, man.
I mean, there would be all the
people, and the music, and me.
So I left her.
I ended up moving back to LA from Tahoe.
I ended up hooking up with a coke dealer
girl, and we called her Wicked Wanda.
And she wasn't, a wicked person.
She just was a party girl.
And, you know, moved in with her.
Actually had sex with her mom
and then had sex with her.
Like, that's what it looked like, man.
Dude, you were raging, man.
Totally out of control.
But sex, drugs, and rock and roll
turned into sex, drugs, and then it
turned into drugs . It eventually just
stopped . I mean, I didn't even care.
Although I would take a hostage,
you know, was what I called it, and,
you know, I would find a girl who
wanted drugs as much as me, and then
I would, like, that would be it,
The girl, Wanda, had been raped by a taxi
cab driver that threatened to kill her
puppy if she didn't have sex with him.
And so she did.
She didn't want her puppy to die.
And so she was problematically having
sex, but discovered that heroin relieved
her of that, and I was like , "Let's go."
Mm.
And that started the bottom.
I mean, you know, as gross as that is,
it seemed innocent enough, and I'm just
like, "Oh, well, like, yeah, let'sâ¦
Of course.
Let's do heroin then, you know?
This is great."
Sure.
I remember one day we were feeling
terrible and the dealer, this guy
came over and he's like, "Hey, I
haven't seen you guys in a while.
What's up?"
And we're just like, "We have the
flu ." Then he starts laughing, and
we're just like, "Dude, it's not funny.
We're not feeling well."
And he's like, "You're just dope sick."
And we're like, "What
are you talking about?"
And he's like, "No.
J- here, just try this," you know?
And it was the s- stereotypical movie
scene where we're like, "No, man.
We're not partying right now."
And he's like, "It ain't a party anymore.
Just try this."
And so we did, and we
were like, "Oh," you know?
Mm-hmm.
"Let's have sex," you know?
Like, I went from feeling like I
couldn't move to wanting to mow
the lawn like that, you know?
So I was like, "Okay."
My best thinking was just like,
"Well, then we'll just keep doing that
." Mm.
So was party- So we were kicking
heroin and we didn't know it.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Gotcha.
We didn't know that that was
a part of this whole thing.
Gotcha.
, I just, you know, I kept having people,
the people coming to my side and trying
to help me, and I, I just couldn't see it.
Wanda and my parents did an intervention.
You s- so, so you know it's bad when
your heroin addict, coke dealing
girlfriend does an intervention on you.
Like, it's not good.
Hmm.
Like, she wants you gone.
But at the same time, kind
of wants you to not die.
Yeah.
You know?
At this time, I'm robbing drug dealers,
I'm getting guns pointed to my head.
It's bad.
So things had progressed.
They had progressed radically.
And I'm just kind of like, i- now
the new normal is that, right ? So
it's a strange thing when that just
becomes the way it is, you know?
Yeah.
So the progression just becomes
like, yeah, I mean, you know, it's,
it just- Just desensitized, right?
Yeah, totally desensitized and-
This is normal life ⦠and
totally in the mix, you know?
And so the jails started happening.
I was getting arrested more
because I was doing crime more.
I was breaking and entering and
doing things like that and getting
locked up in different versions
of, you know, the Twin Towers in
LA, which is a hideous place, man.
And, you know, back in those days,
you still could have cash money,
which was just brutal . I'm getting
initiated in that world, you know?
And every time I'm like, "I'm
not gonna do this again."
Right.
Like, I'm gonna dedicate myself to th-
this girl or that girl or, you know,
whoever's there to, like, scoop me up.
That's right.
100 times.
Yeah.
And I was like, "I'm not
gonna do this again."
And within 24 hours I'm totally doing it
again . So- So how did you find recovery?
Well, finally the intervention
happened after a few of these jail
terms, 'cause I was still with
Wanda and she's like, "Yeah, dude,
you're gonna die, and, like, I don't
wanna be with you anyway, you know?
This isn't fun for me.
And you're ripping
everybody off that I know."
Mm-hmm.
And you know what I mean?
Yeah.
It was like that.
So they do an intervention.
They drag me up to Santa Barbara.
I think I'm going to lunch.
I did enough dope to, like, m- I fell
asleep in the back of the car and I end up
in Santa Barbara and I'm like, "Oh, cool,
we're gonna go to lunch in Santa Barbara."
And they're like, "No, no,
this is your new home."
And it was a rehab.
Mm, mm-hmm.
And it was a place called New House,
and they had New House I, II, and
III, and I got kicked out of I and
III, and ended up- In another dope
house, stole a checkbook from my
landlord and tried to cash a check,
and the cops surrounded the building,
and I went to jail one more time.
I ended up, the cook for the cops,
and I had a really good scene.
I hadâ¦
Like, I was on a work farm, and
I was cooking for the police,
which I thought was weird.
The work farm is where you work, and you
have privileges, and you can work out.
You get a lot of yard.
Uh-huh.
And, you know, you can get outside,
and there's the weights and stuff.
But I was still, like, doing
drugs in jail, you know?
Mm-hmm.
I just couldn't detach.
Like, somebody would, like,
"Hey, dude, you wannaâ¦
" You know, I'd be like, "Yeah, of course."
You know, where else would I do drugs?
And this one guy comes up to me.
His name was Rick.
God bless Rick, man.
He said, "Hey man, can
I talk to you a minute?"
I said, "Sure."
And he goes, "Look, dude," I, he goes, "I
see you doing what you're doing in here."
And he goes like, "Why
are you doing it, man?"
I'm like, "Oh, what,
what's it to you, dude?"
Mm.
I was kind of upset at him for asking,
'cause he's shining a light on me.
And he's like, "Well, I likeâ¦"
He goes, "Let me just tell you a story
." "I got so into drugs that I tried
to kill myself, and I drove my car
off the 154 bridge, and I lived."
Wow.
And he goes, "And I found God.
I'm gonna go to the Salvation Army,
'cause they got a program there,
and it's free, but you gotta work."
And I'm like, "Good for you."
You know?
Like I'm totally like,
"That's awesome, dude.
Now s- let's stop
talking to me," you know?
Mm-hmm.
I just couldn't detach.
So I'm the cook for the cops,
and I'm smuggling peppers
and salt, and I get caught.
Mm-hmm.
And they s- they send me down to the tank.
The tank is like a general population-
Mm ⦠jail cell situation, and
you've got a bunch of six-man cells.
So I lose my job, I lose this primo spot
that I have in Santa Barbara County,
and I end up in this tank, and all the
dudes there are talking about recovery.
We're playing chess and talking
about getting sober, and it
starts rubbing off, you know?
You know, you spend enough time
in the barbershop, you're gonna
wanna get a haircut, you know?
Sure.
Just the conversation, man, I
was like, "Oh God, this is ugly."
You know, like I, "Yeah,
that sounds better."
Michael Farr: Wow.
So I, I get called to roll my stuff up,
because when I got arrested in Santa
Barbara, I violated my probation, so I
owed them a six-month violation bit in
Los Angeles, and I had signed extradition
papers for them to come pick me up.
Mm.
And the bus comes up and takes you down
to LA . I get called down, you know.
Mm.
And I'm thinking, "This is weird, because
the bus doesn't run this late at night."
It's like 10 o'clock at night, and
they, they have me pack up all,
all my stuff, and I end up in, in
a holding cell with these two kids,
and I'm like, "What do you guys do?
What's up?"
And they're like, "Oh, we
got drunk in public last
night . We're getting released."
And I'm like, I'm like, "Why am I here?
I'm supposed to be going to LA."
And they open a door, and they hand us
our stuff, and they're like, "Later."
And I'm like, "Oh my God , I just got
let out of here on accident ." "Shit."
And so I call my folks, and they're
just like, hang up, call again, hang up.
You know, you get a
collect call from hang up.
Then I'm like, "Oh, oh my
God, please answer the phone.
I'm so screwed here."
'Cause they're gonna totally
think I escaped, mm-hmm.
And I don't wanna go back.
Right.
So finally, I get ahold of
them and they're like, "Okay,
w- what do you wanna do?"
And I'm like, "I need to go to
a probation officer somewhere
and tell them what happened, and
then go to the Salvation Army."
So I do exactly that, and I go to
the Salvation Army and I talk to
the probation and they're just like,
"We don't know what to do with this.
This is crazy."
And I'm like, "Well, any minute
now you're gonna get an alarm."
And so I go to the Salvation Army and
there's Rick, and he's like, "Bro."
You know?
And so we hang out a lot, and the
probation office finally f- the,
the, you know, the cops roll into
the parking lot and they go, "Mike
Farr," and I c- I'm there, and they're
just like, "Wow, weird, he's here."
Like, that never happens.
Yeah.
But I've had this change of heart,
some amazing God moments, and, and
one of them was, like, I had, like,
a week left at the Salvation Army.
You know, we're being talked about,
about God, you know, and I'm playing
guitar and, you know, I'm, like,
doing stuff for the fellas, you know?
And, you know, the captain is talking
to us about Jesus and stuff and,
well, I'm kinda, like, integrating it.
So it happens so that I got a sponsor
and I'm doing the work, and I'm, and
I get a job at the Salvation Army
as a donation truck driver, and now
I got guys with me who are fresh
like I once was, and I'm getting
to talk to them , and it's awesome.
And I'm doing the deal, and I get an
apartment in Carpinteria, California,
and I'm surfing and I'm doing all this
stuff, and I get into mixed martial
arts, and I get my career back.
This lady donates a camera and I say,
"Hey, could I actually have this camera?
Like, is itâ¦
You know?"
She goes, "Sure, if you want it."
So I get a camera, and now I start
shooting again, and I get my career back
on track and everything's hunky-dory.
And one night we get a call on the
AA hotline, and it was the sisters at
a, a Catholic church, they want us to
come and talk to their ch- their kids
. They noticed some, some weed
use and stuff, and we're like,
"Yeah, we'd be glad to do that."
So we go, and me and my sponsor and
another dude, we, we talk to the kids and
I ask, "Is there any other questions?"
And Rick had rel-
relapsed and passed away.
So m- my Eskimo died, and it was
heartbreaking 'cause he was my buddy,
and I knew that he had, had a kid.
And I tell them that story about
Rick, and I tell them that, you
know, this guy that saved my life
ended up relapsing and dying.
And this kid raises his
hand, and it's Rick's kid.
Wow So, like, it's getting real,
and I know that God's in the room.
Right.
The chances of this happening
are astronomically not possible.
And yet I get sober, I get my career
going, and guess what happens?
It just, the ego, man, it
just- Yeah ⦠edging God out
is what ego looks like for me.
And I meet a girl at a Narcotics Anonymous
convention, and we become a thing.
And I knock on her door one day, and
the door goes open, and she's got
a needle and a spoon and a balloon.
And I throw a fit, and I take the
needle and I flush it, and bend the
spoon and throw it in the trash, and
I grab the balloon and I put it in
my pocket , and I'm off to the races.
Six-year relapse.
And I remember making a decision
during that six-year relapse that,
like, "I'm just gonna do this."
Hmm.
"This is what I do
. I'm gonna give up on God . I'm gonna
give it all up ," 'cause, like, I was
right the whole time . I'm no good
.
Sam (2): Back to the old core beliefs.
Michael Farr: yes, So I end
up in such a worse place.
Now I'm in bed with, you know, outlaw
biker gangs, famous cartels, buying
and selling drugs and guns and,
you know, people are getting hurt
around me, and it's just a mess.
And I end up in this place
where I can't actually feel the
drugs anymore from the neck up.
And one night in particular,
I can't seem to get high.
And, I keep shooting dope I'm
doing cocaine and heroin at the
same time, and I, I suddenly realize
that there's something really wrong
and I'm in full overdose, and I'm
shitting my pants and I can't breathe.
It turns out I'd given myself what's
called respiratory arrest, which is
when your lungs are so full of fluid
that you c- can't support your heart.
And, uh, I'm freaking out and I'm
thinking, "Oh my God, I can't breathe.
I'm gonna just throw myself out
into public, and see what happens."
And I get to the door, and it's
like a literal last gasp effort.
, If you inhale as much as you can and
then try to inhale, that's where I was.
And I open the door and there's
this guy I know named Jonas, and
he's standing there, and he looks
at me and he's like, "Are you okay?
I, I was thinking about you at
breakfast and I thought I'd come by."
And I'm just-- I shake my
head, "No, I can't talk."
And he says, "Do you need
to go to the hospital?"
And I shake my head yes.
And he's, and he says,
"I'll be right back."
And he disappears.
And he comes running back
what seems like eternity.
A friend of his had been j- just
pulling out of his driveway in a car.
You know, talk about God, man.
It's like, so this guy's
pulling out of his driveway.
Jonas runs up and says,
"I need your help, man.
I got a buddy of mine who needs
to get to the hospital right now."
And so this guy drives me and Jonas
to the hospital, and they pretty much
just kinda dump me at the front door.
"He's having an asthma attack.
It's really bad.
He needs help."
And then they leave.
The long story short is I
was in a coma for two weeks.
Wow.
And I wake up and I don't recognize
the nurse, I don't recognize the
room, I don't recognize any of it.
And she's like, "Oh my God,
it's a miracle that you'reâ¦"
I mean, she's like, "Oh my
God, there you are," you know?
And I'm kinda perplexed.
I don't know what's going on.
And she she starts asking me
all the questions, you know.
Like, "Do you know what time it is?
Do you know what day it is?
Do you know who's the president?
Do you know how long you've been here?"
And I said to that question,
"I don't know, like, a night?"
And she says, "No, honey,
you've been here two weeks."
And I was like, "Uh-oh, I
know I'm in trouble now.
There's something really wrong going on."
And the doctor comes running in, and
he's in his tennis outfit, and he's just
like, um, "Now you're a miracle, dude.
We, we didn't know how
to get ahold of anybody.
We have no information on you.
We were gonna John Doe you.
We've been keeping you
alive in a comatic state.
And we know that you're a drug addict.
We didn't know that at the time, but
we now know it, and we wanna help you."
And, um- I'm so full flight from reality,
I, I, I'm asking them like, "Is there
any legal reason I've gotta be here?"
And he's looking at me like,
you know, Benji the dog.
He's kinda, "Huh?"
And, and I'm trying to tell him like,
"I got stuff going on," and, you know,
he's like, "I bet you do, but can you
just please stay here for three days?
We want to observe you.
We wanna make sure you're okay."
And I think I stayed for two,
and then I called a girl, and she
came and picked me up, and I left.
And I left them holding the bill and
the whole thing . And I have since
made amends for that too, by the way.
And that was a tough one because,
you know, it's A, embarrassing,
and B, it was a lot of money that
just got written off because of the
time, and so I started paying it
back, pay it forward type of stuff.
And, you know, a- again, God is
just saving me for something.
I don't know what it is, and I can't quite
figure it out, but I finally get busted.
So it sounds like in terms of rock bottom,
this truly was the lowest point for you.
Yes.
And now I'm sitting outside my
apartment , the girlfriend's
handcuffed, I'm handcuffed.
We are just in a brutal state , and I end
up getting locked up again, and now I'm
looking at a long time, like a long time.
And I get a judge who a guy on meth.
He killed his wife, so he's
not stoked on drug addicts.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm like, "I am done."
Like, I'm now all of a sudden , I'm
getting that surrender And I'm like, I'm
so done that I'm gonna do the 20 years.
I'm gonna get sober in prison, and
I'm gonna just help another addict and
whoever," right ? That's all I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do the God thing.
And I get this judge, and he's like,
"Help me out here 'cause you're a puzzle.
You haven't been arrested in 10 years.
You have a lawyer that
you're totally not using.
I've never heard anybody say this before,
but you're telling me you're guilty.
Like, what is going on with you, dude?"
And I tell him the truth.
Like, "The truth is, Your Honor,
I am guilty of everything that
you're accusing me of and things
that you don't even know about.
Like, I'm guilty.
You have no idea."
And he's like, "What about the 10 years?"
And I'm like, "I was sober for four.
I've been out for six,
and I'm totally done."
And this is what is necessary
for me, you know , d- 'cause
I don't do well out there.
He goes, "Okay, cool."
"I'm gonna give you a year,
and you need to grow up."
Hmm.
And I'm like, "Please don't do that.
" Like, uh, all these
inmates are going crazy.
They're like, "What is
this guy's problem?"
Like, everybody wants out, right?
And I'm like, "Dude,
I don't trust myself."
Right.
"I'm no good on the street.
I assure you."
And he goes, "Well, you better
be because you're gonna get a
bunch of time if you don't."
Right.
So now I'm dope sick bad- kicking
in a jail cell- Yeah ⦠for a
good part of that year, really.
I mean, it took me a while to get well.
And I get out And I remember this guy who
I was talking to for the entire relapse.
His name is Harold Owens, and he ran
a organization called Music Cares.
And Music Cares is an outreach
for people in the music industry
that have drug problems and stuff
. And, uh, and I would talk
to this guy on the phone.
I couldn't believe it, but I remembered my
brother's number and Harold's number, and
I call Harold and he's like, "Hey, Mike."
He answers the phone.
Like, how?
And he goes, "What's up, man?
I haven't heard from you in a while."
And I'm like, "Harold,
I've been locked up, man."
And he's like, "Oh, well, you
know, what can I do for you?"
And I'm like, "I don't know.
Do you do things for people?
Like, what's up with you, dude?"
And you know, and he goes, he
goes, "Yeah, you don't remember.
I've already done something for you."
He had tried to help me
once get out of a case.
And he goes, "Where are you?"
And I'm like, "Ventura."
And he's like, "Well, can you get to LA?"
And I'm like, "Yes, I'll do that."
And he goes, "Get to LA and call me."
And he was just the sweetest guy.
He was just understood , and
he never judged me.
And so I call my brother and he answers,
and my brother had gotten sober like
six months before I got arrested.
But he drives me to LA and I
call Harold and he goes, "Hey."
I go, "Harold, I'm in LA."
And he goes, "Awesome.
Go to a meeting."
I'm like, "All right."
So my brother takes me to a meeting at
the Marina Center in Marina del Rey.
And after the meeting I call Harold
and he goes, "How was the meeting?"
And I'm like, "It was good."
And he goes, " I got you a bed, bro.
You're all good, man.
We got you a spot, and
so I spent 11 months.
And I wanna tell you this.
This is really important in my story.
I 100% knew when this went that God
was in my life and that I was being
taken through an initiation on purpose.
And, uh, I was the initiate, and I was
dragging myself with God through this
thing so that I could help people.
And I had said a prayer in jail
and it went like this: "God, I
don't wanna ask you for anything
, but I do wanna be of service.
And since I'm getting out, it would
be awesome if I could be in- A sober
living that was musically oriented
by Hollywood with a band of
brothers who are all sober and
on the same plane as me, right?
I'm like contemplating it.
I'm in a meditation sort of space.
So Harold tells me he's got me a bed.
So I go to this spot and I open the door
And I walk in and I instantly hear
music, and I'm like, "What's going on?"
And they got a giant
music room in the garage.
And it's near Hollywood.
It was not even believable.
And I'm like, "What is
happening right now?"
And so Harold's office is literally in
Hollywood, so I'm going up to his office
regularly, and he becomes my sponsor.
So now I'm going to Hollywood
regularly like I used to do.
I'm in this sober living with
dudes that are normal dudes and
also dudes that are tip of the
spear, and everybody's right-sized.
You know, we're all just doing this
thing, and we're doing it with God.
And I just knew, man.
I knew at that time that this was the
path everything made sense at that moment.
All I have to do is help another suffering
human being, and it'll all be okay."
Wow.
And from that time till now,
I have Started Spartan Racing.
At 60 years old, I had a
kid with my beautiful gal.
I crossed the finish line of a 21K
Spartan race, 35 obstacles, and my
girl says, "We're pregnant ." And
I'm like, "This can'tâ¦
Like, me?
I'm a dad?
How is that possible?"
Yeah.
I got a job on the Warped Tour,
like I told you guys, on the Vans
Warped Tour for 10 years as the
sober coach for the entire tour.
So helping young people on the road
for the first time, some of them,
like, dealing with their demons, and
God's just got me in these places, man.
COVID changed a lot of that, but I
ended up in some really cool places
because I was accountable and , I
have a higher power, and it's not me.
It's not this thing inside
of me saying, "You suck."
It's this thing inside of me that
says, "God loves me, so I love me."
And that powers my life
today that's pretty rad.
He was nonexistent, when you were
younger, you ignored him on and off.
You chose him, then you rejected
him, and then you chose him again..
Who is God to you now?
my father..
. 100%, my father.
I have this internal belief , God
is part of me and I'm part of
God, and that's what fathers are.
My dad is part of me and I'm part of him.
I carry all the traits of
him, including the bad ones.
God is not going to protect me from
myself all the time completely,
but he's going to walk me through
the darkness so I can learn.
It's a lesson, I believe if you look at
the yin and yang symbol and you spin it,
it becomes gray and it becomes neutral,
God has put, uh, light and dark into
our lives so that we can learn, and the
learning is often really difficult, , and
that's why I picked the song that I
picked
Sam: your song is "Human
Mind" by Mavis Staples.
Did I say that right?
Yeah, Mavis Staples.
It's a very seemingly sad song
until you really listen to it , she
talks about being human and
recognizing how difficult life is.
And recognizing that sometimes
you're gonna cry, and then
recognizing that God gives you
those tears because it's pure love.
Hmm.
That you feel that pain because you love.
I became orphaned in the last
couple years . I lost all my family.
Not at one time, they just, they
just died, one after another.
She talks about that, too, and she
talks about understanding the love
that she has for the family that
she didn't really like maybe at that
time , but that she still has grown to
love them , and then she thanks God for
the beautiful mind of being able to-
think About these things.
It's a touching song.
I heard it and it made
me cry, which is rare.
I just don't cry.
And I'm driving my car and I'm crying
for this song, and I'm like, "Okay.
Thanks, Lord " you got me.
" once again, God inspired.
Guys, thanks for watching.
Find us on social media,
@UnashamedUnafraid.
You can get access to our bonus
content and become an outsider
on unashamedunafraid.com.
Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and if
this was helpful to you, it'll probably
be helpful to someone else, so take some
time right now to share it with a friend.
Thanks again for watching, and until
next time, continue to live unashamed.
Here is Human Mind By Mavis
Staples .I
dreamed in love, baby
Baby from above ain't
always easy to supply
But I ain't giving up, baby
machines of war in the
Oh, every tear that I've cried through the
worst in my life was love in full supply.
God bless the human mind
Who would dream this sweet design?
And in these days I find this
far down the line I find good in
Feeling lost, Daddy
Of us ain't always easy to believe
Full supply
Days are fine