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We're learning ספר מסילת ישרים,
we're in פרק ג'.
I'm going to go back from the beginning.
הנה הרוצה לפקח על עצמו.
Someone who has the רצון and is looking at himself to improve himself,
שתיים הנה ההשקפות הצריכות לו.
There are two perspectives he needs to adopt.
האחד שיתבונן מה הוא הטוב האמיתי שיבחר בו האדם והרע האמיתי שינוס ממנו.
The first that we described yesterday is looking objectively.
What actually works?
What actually brings people benefit?
What actually enables people to advance,
both in the world,
when it comes to your מידות,
when it comes to spiritual growth?
There are way too many people just going over the same motions again and
again and again because that's what everyone does,
and they're not actually pausing and asking themselves,
"Is this actually working?
Are these methods that have proven themselves?"
And if it doesn't work,
then you need to make a change.
So step number one is not even looking at you.
It's just doing research in general about what types of methods work and help
people to grow,
close to הקדוש ברוך הוא,
what brings good.
והשנית,
and the second perspective that a person has to have,
על המעשים אשר הוא עושה,
לראות אם הם מכלל הטוב או מכלל הרע,
to look at the actions that you're doing,
which category are they in?
Now,
this is very,
very different to what many people do in the world.
When you're asking yourself what's good,
many people,
the way that they ask themselves what's good is they don't first look at
what's actually going to work and then do I fit into that,
but they start with what feels good to me.
That's their starting point and their end point.
It makes me feel good.
I enjoy it,
it's right.
It's good.
The definition of good is subjective.
Many people,
that's their whole defining life:
"What am I going to do in life?
What I enjoy,
what makes me feel good.
But what if it's harming someone else?
Okay,
so that's just the way the world is,
you know.
This is what makes me feel good,
I'm going to do it."
And what if it makes you feel good,
but it's actually not bringing you benefit?
Let's say a person is by nature lazy and he enjoys watching movie after
movie after movie,
series after series,
and it's non-stop,
and if you ask him,
"Are you enjoying yourself?"
he'll say yes.
But he's not productive,
he's not beneficial.
Long-term he's going to look back and feel a deep sense of regret.
So is that good or is it not good?
If his definition of good is what currently brings me pleasure,
then he's going to say yes.
But if you're doing it the Jewish way,
then you start off with what's objectively good.
You look at the world and you look at the תורה and you see
what actually is good,
what's going to bring benefit.
And let's even put the תורה aside for a minute.
If a person would do research and learn,
if you spend a lot of time on social media and you watch movie
after movie after movie,
are you going to be a happier person?
So objectively you'll find the answer is no.
So without תורה,
if the way that you're defining what you want to do and what's good
for you to do is by first looking objectively what makes people better people,
what brings good to the world objectively,
and then you ask yourself,
"Do I fit in -- " Yeah,
that's fine.
And then you say,
"Do I fit into that?"
you're going to have a much better end result than if you look at
the world by saying,
"I'm starting off from my subjective reality,
what makes me feel good,
that's what I'm doing."
So even without תורה -- When you add תורה,
you've got a much better perspective because the תורה is going to define to
you what's good in the eyes of הקדוש ברוך הוא,
what's objectively good,
not what seems good to you by what you're looking at around,
what's objectively good.
So if you're doing this חשבון נפש and you're saying,
"I want to do a חשבון נפש.
I bought my notebook,
I've got my pen and paper,
but I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing in this book."
So the first two stages you're doing in the book is you're doing research
by looking in תורה sources and by looking at the world and seeing what
people do I see are leading a life which seems beneficial,
in line with values that I ascribe to as well,
they're productive long-term,
their families are stable,
they're happy in who they are.
And I say like,
"Wow,
that seems to be a model of what's good in the world."
Together with that,
you look at תורה sources,
what does the תורה say is the right thing to do,
and you build a vision for yourself of what's objectively good,
by putting both תורה in,
what the תורה's ideals are,
and by what you see from families -- Let's say,
חס ושלום,
a person grows up in a family which is not functional properly.
So when he looks at his family,
he's like,
"This isn't functional.
This is not the way that I want my family to be."
So he says like,
"I know that I don't have a clear vision of a family home.
I'm going to make an agenda of going to different families for שבת and
seeing what a family looks like."
And he goes for שבת to one family,
to another family,
another family,
and he starts building a picture for himself of,
"Okay,
I know my family do it this way.
I don't want my family to,
my future family to be like that,
but I've seen and I like this idea from this family,
this idea from this family.
I'm going to pick up," and he creates a vision for himself of how
he would like his family to be.
Then he gets married,
and she has a different vision.
So,
they work together on a mutual vision of how they would like their family
to be,
and then,
wow,
they're going to have an amazing family,
as opposed to,
they don't build this vision,
they don't learn מסילת ישרים and do the עבודה here,
so their default is going to be exactly like the parents' home was,
because that's just what they know.
That's what they saw.
Why is it going to change?
They didn't look at the world,
what's good.
So,
they just go back to their habits of what they knew until now.
So,
מסילת ישרים the מסילת ישרים is asking us:
Don't fall back to those negative habits of things that you've done or things
that you've seen.
First,
do research,
like this family,
like this boy in this family is looking in the world like,
what's good?
What's a good family?
How would I like my family to be?
He does his research,
looking at תורה sources,
looking on the ground,
what actually works,
when people are functioning well,
and they're happy,
and they're productive,
and successful,
and they have a good life.
That's the one hand.
And then once he's done that and he's created a vision,
like in the story that we just told now,
he's created a vision of what his family would like to be one day.
Now,
he's already got married,
and they have kids,
and then he says,
wait,
am I living up to my vision?
In the הווה,
are we doing that?
I know we had the vision.
When we got married,
we were looking at it together,
we were saying this is how we want our family to be.
Now,
we have kids.
We're we're already living out our family.
Are we doing it right,
or are we doing it wrong?
And he finds that it's better than what it would have been if he
didn't do the חשבון נפש originally,
because some things got into in a in a good pattern,
but not everything.
He does shout at the kids,
and he sees that's not beneficial,
but he's still doing that.
So,
he says,
okay,
I'm doing stage two of the חשבון נפש.
I've clarified objectively what's right,
but now where am I in respect to my vision?
Am I in line with my vision?
And he constantly realigns himself,
constantly.
Both of these things you do constantly,
but the first one,
hopefully,
with time,
you'll get a very clear picture,
and it only has minor refinements.
The second one is a constant,
constant check.
Once you create a vision of what does it mean to be a ירא
שמים,
what does it mean to be a בן תורה,
what does it mean to be an עבד השם,
you have a vision of who you would like to be.
You've created that vision through תורה sources and through seeing people in your community
or רבנים or friends,
and you've picked up what the vision is,
you'll refine that,
but overall you'll get that quite clear after a period of time.
But who you are,
that that's constantly checking in.
In theory,
you should have on your phone a beep that goes every hour.
I didn't say phone,
but it used to be when I was a kid,
you had a watch,
right?
And when it was the hour,
it would go beep beep.
You still have that on the watches?
That's an old-fashioned thing.
They have it?
What?
Casio watch.
They that's it,
the Casio.
It still exists?
So the Casio.
It's phenomenal.
Get a Casio watch,
have it go beep beep,
and every time you hear the beep beep,
you pause and you say,
am I leading my life now in accordance to my values?
So,
let's say it goes beep beep at 8:00 p.m.,
and you're talking to friends,
and you're actually speaking things which are borderline לשון הרע,
and you hear the beep beep of your of your watch,
and that means for you that's your סימן where you check,
am I leading my life according to my values?
You say,
actually,
I'm not right now.
So,
then you just stop speaking the לשון הרע,
you just change topic.
And it's it's 11:00 in the morning,
and you're sitting with your חברותא in learning,
and it goes beep beep,
and you say,
am I leading my life with my values?
And actually you're learning really well at that moment and you're in the middle
of the סוגיא,
and it's going well,
and you have a sense of gratitude to הקדוש ברוך הוא.
I am.
This is what I want to be doing.
And then you have If you do that,
where you have that constant reminder to check am I leading my life according
to my values,
that means you have the values already,
you know what your values are,
you've done stage one,
it's still refining,
but you've got a vision,
and stage two is where you're constantly checking am I in line with my
values.
It's a win-win.
Either you'll be in line with your values,
and that way you have gratitude to השם for the place that you're in
and you feel it on a constant basis,
or you're not leading your life according to your values,
and then you have a reminder to realign yourself.
Wait,
I know what I want to be,
I know who I want to be,
let me realign myself with what my values are.
So,
just reading that second line and then I'll take your question:
והשנית,
and the second perspective that a person has to have,
the second part of the חשבון נפש,
על המעשים שהוא עושה,
the actions that you're doing,
לראות אם הם מכלל הטוב או מכלל הרע.
Now you've already defined what's good in an objective sense,
you're you're checking where am I holding,
am I in that good,
או מכלל הרע,
וזה בשעת מעשה ושלא בשעת מעשה.
And there's two areas in which you do this:
one is at the moment that it's happening,
and one is not the moment.
So,
going back to the example of the Casio watch,
the Casio watch goes beep beep every hour,
and you've made that for yourself a סימן that you're going to check,
is am I leading my life in line with my values?
That's בשעת מעשה.
That's like while I'm in the moment.
Like I'm learning,
I'm דאווענען,
I'm eating,
whatever I'm doing.
I'm checking,
am I in line with my values?
That's בשעת מעשה.
And then,
separate to that,
it's good to have another time—it could be once a day before you go
to bed,
it could be once a week on a מוצאי שבת,
you have to figure out what's productive for you—but you have another time where
you do a general check-in.
How am I doing?
Am I in line with my values?
So,
you have the constant thought—I say constant,
it's not constant literally,
because then you ...be able to function,
right?
But the idea of like,
now and then,
once an hour,
you're checking in,
am I in line with my values,
that's בשעת מעשה.
And then as well as that,
you also need to have a time,
a separate time with your book,
your pen and paper where you're like going through your day,
going through your life,
and checking,
am I leading my life,
that's שעת מעשה ושלא.
If someone does this,
they'll see their life slowly but surely progressing and advancing in עבודת השם continuously.
If someone doesn't do this,
then they'll get to a certain level of a plateau where they feel comfortable,
and then that will be it.
That will be their growth.
Here and then,
they'll do something,
but it won't be a constant life of growth.
It will be,
I've reached a level of יידישקייט that I'm comfortable with,
I'm happy with where I'm holding.
I'm still learning,
it's not like he won't be learning,
but he's not adding things,
he's not thinking about הקדוש ברוך הוא on the same level.
This is the difference between someone who is an active עבד השם and someone
who is a passive עבד השם.
Avi.
Earlier you was mentioning the looking at תורה sources and looking at the world
to see what's good.
So just wanted to know,
is there anything that the תורה would say is good,
but doesn't make you happy,
or the תורה would say is bad,
but does make you happy,
for sure,
if they're not aligned?
Right.
So let's give an example of a כהן.
A כהן is working in the בית המקדש,
and he has to eat a certain amount of food.
And he's full,
but it's going to become נותר,
so he has to eat it.
Let's say it's סדר night,
and you're full,
but you have to eat אפיקומן.
So there are certain times where you'd say like,
I can't,
or let's say it's winter and it's שלוש סעודות,
right?
So you'd say like,
I can't I can't do this,
I can't do this!
But you'd say,
but this is the right thing to do.
Okay,
you'd just plan ahead,
have less for lunch,
like you could do you could do it wisely.
But there are certain times where right now it doesn't feel good to you.
It doesn't feel good it doesn't feel good.
But it's but it's objectively good.
It's the will of Hashem.
So you have to fit your life in הקדוש ברוך הוא's's world and make
sure that it fits.
Sometimes there are questions of things like אברהם אבינו was told to send away
ישמעאל,
and it was the right thing to do,
it came through נבואה,
Hashem said to him,
שמע בקולה,
and it didn't feel right to him.
And there are certain times where you do certain things which don't feel right
to you at that time,
because your value system isn't yet fully aligned with Hashem's value system.
And even if your value system is a good value system,
but there'll be certain הלכות here and there which you know you're going to
have to do because it's the will of Hashem,
but you haven't refined yourself yet enough to appreciate,
and they might be a חוק.
They might be the category of הלכה which in this world you won't be
able to understand.
You'll say,
this doesn't make sense to me.
I'll give you an example.
There was in COVID,
there was a couple in in America who had got married recently,
and then and then he got COVID and he died.
And they didn't have kids.
And he had one brother in ארץ ישראל.
And she's now an עגונה,
because she can't remarry until she has חליצה,
and he wasn't able to fly.
And they were stuck,
they were just totally stuck.
And there was numerous times where he was almost able to fly,
but then the situation changed again and he wasn't able to get out.
And eventually it took a year,
and he was able to get out on a flight from ארץ ישראל to
America,
and and they did the חליצה.
Now,
חליצה is a very hard ceremony.
I don't know if anyone's ever been in a חליצה,
or heard about how חליצה works.
But but in the חליצה process,
in in a way,
the the husband,
I mean the brother,
is accused of not taking responsibility,
so it's hard for him,
like you're not taking responsibility.
And it's hard for the wife,
because she's spitting,
and it's like something very rude to do in our culture,
and it's in a way that she's acting in a way which is It's
a very,
very difficult procedure to go through.
And the דיינים on the בית דין said to them both that as far
as we're concerned,
חליצה is a חוק.
It has reasons behind it,
but we're relating to it as a חוק.
We don't understand exactly what it does or how it does it,
but we know our sources tell us that it's good for the נשמה.
And our goal here together was to bring benefit to the נשמה of the
deceased.
So even though the actions that we're going to go through now seem actions
which are very harsh and they're not pleasant,
but we're doing the will of הקדוש ברוך הוא with a prayer that this
is going to bring a תיקון for the נשמה,
and it's not pleasant,
it's not something it's not it's not fun,
a procedure to go through.
She waited for a whole year,
he's being accused of not taking responsibility,
spitting,
the whole thing is not a pleasant procedure at all.
So some things are in the category of חוק.
We may not understand our whole lifetimes how they're all beneficial for us,
but that first stage,
with תורה and with the world,
where the תורה and the world contradict,
it's rare that it happens,
but it does happen,
the תורה wins,
because you understand that your value system...
hasn't reached the level to understand הקדוש ברוך הוא's value system,
and it may not.
And it may not.
It's exceptions.
It's not the rule.
It's exceptions.
The examples of extra eating on שבת afternoon and doing חליצה are unusual exceptions.
שבת afternoon is standard,
but the times where you'll feel a conflict should be very minimal.
But in those times,
there you hand yourself over to הקדוש ברוך הוא,
and you say,
"I have the humility to say that I don't know everything,
הקדוש ברוך הוא,
and I'm leaving it to you to to run the world."
So we have two times:
we have שעת מעשה,
and we have שלא בשעת מעשה,
where you're checking in with yourself.
בשעת מעשה,
שלא יעשה שום מעשה מבלי שישקול אותו במאזני הזאת הידיעה.
At the time when you're doing an action,
any action,
you're doing a מצוה,
you're learning תורה,
you're doing something of חסד,
it could be neutral,
you're playing sports,
you're talking to friends,
you're working,
whatever it is that you're doing,
there should be...
so I gave the example of the Casio watch,
but ideally,
a person should just naturally be checking in with themselves constantly,
"Is what I'm doing correct?"
You know,
you have systems,
like electronic systems,
where they do the way the system works is they constantly check to see,
did a new message come through?
And they update themselves.
They they're constantly sometimes it's every three seconds,
every two seconds,
where the system is rechecking,
did a new message come through?
You know how the גרמא switch works?
You know,
the גרמא switch,
the way the way the גרמא switch works is that you you close the
circuit,
but right now,
that doesn't automatically cause the electric current to go through.
There's a separate pulse of electric electricity that comes through every few seconds,
and it just tries.
It tries to send electricity through.
Usually,
it doesn't work because the circuit isn't closed.
But after you've closed the circuit,
your closing of the circuit didn't cause electricity to come through.
You just closed the circuit;
it had no significance at that moment.
Then whenever it is that the electric circuit sends the when when the pulse
sent the electricity,
then,
oh,
it's checking.
The circuit's closed;
electricity goes through.
That's how the גרמא switch works.
So that's the same as us.
We're leading our lives,
and we have a constant every few and you have to be normal,
right?
You can't be like constantly nervous about it,
but on a constant basis,
we're checking in:
am I leading my life in line with the values of הקדוש ברוך הוא?
Am I leading my life in line with the values that I have identified
that,
yeah,
that's the true way of living one's life?
It's מה שמביא טוב;
it's what's bringing good.
That's בשעת המעשה.
שלא יעשה שום מעשה,
don't do any action,
מבלי שישקול אותו,
without evaluating,
במאזני זאת הידיעה,
on this calculation,
this knowledge:
is this doing the will of Hashem?
I once read a very,
very interesting piece in נתיבות שלום.
He says that a person should take a he says a person should take
upon themselves that if you're about to do an action,
and you're not sure if it's going to create קידוש השם or חילול השם,
then you shouldn't do it.
That sounds so obvious when you say it,
right?
Because if it may create חילול השם,
of course,
you shouldn't do it.
But many,
many things that we do throughout the day,
like you're about to say something to someone,
and it may be taken wrong.
It may be לשון הרע.
You're not sure.
You're not sure.
The moment that you have a doubt that this may cause a חילול השם,
you shouldn't say it.
You shouldn't do it.
Only when you've clarified that you figure out how to say it in a
way that will only cause a קידוש השם,
then you can go ahead.
But the way we usually work is that,
"If I'm not sure,
it's okay.
Only if I know it's a problem,
then I won't do it.
If I'm not sure,
then it's okay."
That's the way we usually work.
And his direction in נתיבות שלום,
his direction was that whenever you're at that state where you're debating—you don't always
catch yourself,
sometimes you do a bad thing without thinking.
Sometimes you just like said something,
and afterwards,
you realize what you said.
Okay,
that happens.
But if you've caught yourself,
where there's that window of time where you're debating to say it or not
to say it,
to do this action or not to do this action,
sometimes a person is about to do an עבירה,
and he has a moment of debating,
"Should I do it or shouldn't I do it?"
And a justification comes his way,
and he says,
"No,
after this that happened to me,
I deserve it," or he has some justification,
but there's debate there.
There's some sort of debate.
If you have any debate,
don't do it.
Don't do it.
And you'll save yourself from a lot of heartache if you follow this instruction,
this guidance.
After you've clarified it from a stable place,
and you've realized that it's a good thing to do,
then do it.
Sometimes the clarification is enough within.
You just pause,
and often there's some urge to do something bad,
and once you've let that urge pass,
the urge is gone now,
then you think about it in a more concrete and logical way,
and you realize that,
no,
it's actually not a good thing to do.
But it wasn't healthy the way you were thinking about it initially,
because you were under pressure from the urge.
But you let the urge pass,
You said,
"I have a doubt here,
I'm just not going to do it."
A few minutes pass,
the urge has gone,
now you think,
"Should I do it?"
You say,
"Of course I'm not going to do it.
It's a bad thing to do."
Why wasn't it so clear to you earlier?
'Cause there you were in ספק.
You had the urge at that time.
The urge has passed,
you have no longer a ספק.
Someone who does a חשבון נפש,
he's going to notice that he's in a state of doubt.
And he's he's noticed,
"I need to weigh this out."
And he's going to notice,
"Wait,
this might be a חילול השם."
He'll let it pass.
He'll let it pass,
he won't do the bad act.
That's at the time of the מעשה.
ושלא בשעת מעשה,
and as well as that,
יעלה לפניו זכרון כלל מעשיו וישקול אותם כמו כן במאזני המשקל הזה לראות מה
יש בם מן הרע למען ידחה אותו.
Separately to the moment,
but rather set aside a time,
however often it is that works well for you,
where you just pause and contemplate,
"Where am I holding?
What am I doing in my daily life?
Is it good or is it not good?
Is it in line with the values that I've established for myself and that
the תורה has established for me?"
ומה מן הטוב להתמיד בו,
להתחזק בו.
And you identify.
Now,
it's going to change throughout your life.
I can certainly say that everyone here did a חשבון נפש probably before ראש
השנה,
יום כיפור last year,
and you'll do one again this coming year,
and you'll be in a different place,
especially if it's the year before ישיבה and the year of ישיבה.
Because the year before ישיבה,
the standards that you set for yourself were good standards in the context of
where you were at that time.
And after a year of ישיבה,
the standards you set for yourself are often on a higher level based on
the learning that you've had,
the environment that you've been in,
and it's not that you were bad and now you're good,
it's a natural progression of growth.
But if a person is not doing a חשבון נפש,
he won't notice that.
He won't pay attention.
And he might continue doing things that aren't so good,
but they're just what he does because he's always done them.
And only when he sits down and does a חשבון נפש,
he notices like,
"I'm in a different place now than I was earlier.
Let me reassess.
I don't have to continue doing something because I did it earlier.
I can constantly be in a state of growth."
I once heard a beautiful ווארט from Rabbi Akiva Tatz that אברהם אבינו said
in last week's פרשה,
אנכי עפר ואפר.
So he said על פי דרוש,
not not פשט,
so he said,
"What's the difference between עפר and אפר?"
So one is when you had something that existed and you burnt it,
then it goes down to ashes.
And עפר,
that was always there,
that's that's the way you come into the world,
you find עפר,
but we use that to build.
We use that to plant.
So the one is the result of destruction,
the ashes,
and the one is the ability to use that for productivity,
to build something,
to plant something,
or to use it to build a building.
That's the difference between עפר and אפר.
And when אברהם אבינו said that he's both,
he was saying,
"I'm in a constant state of not assuming that what I am until now
is the correct thing,
and taking myself down,
and then rebuilding myself.
Just because I was something yesterday,
it doesn't mean I have to be that today.
I'm constantly choosing Hashem.
And I'm constantly looking at my actions and saying,
'Is this in line with my values?'
And constantly checking,
'This is who I want to be,
and where I want to be,' and building myself."
That's what he meant by,
"I'm both ashes,
and I'm earth."
I'm constantly re-evaluating myself.
And there are so many habits that we bring with us from a previous
era which aren't necessarily relevant for us now,
or good for us now,
but that's just how I do it.
That's just who I was,
so I'll continue being that.
But if we do a חשבון נפש,
you can say,
"That made sense that I was like that until now,
because that was my life situation and it made sense,
but I don't need to do that anymore."
I'll give you one personal example for myself.
I grew up in England,
and there's a culture in England,
it's the environment in England,
of being sarcastic and being cynical and joking in a way which is at
the expense of—you're familiar with this,
no?
That's the humor.
The humor of England is to make fun of other people,
but in extremely subtle ways.
If you do it too obvious,
then it was just base.
There's a culture here.
There's a culture,
it's refined.
You have to make fun of people in a way that they almost didn't
notice,
and it's a double play on words,
and only when they realize that,
"Oh,
that was what you meant,
that was the meaning of the word," then,
ah,
you got them and they're like,
"Oh,
very good."
And people like it!
Say,
"Very good,
very good,
eh,
good one!"
Like even if you made fun of them,
they appreciated it.
And that was the culture I grew up in,
and I enjoyed it,
too.
And then when I came to ישיבה,
I carried on doing it,
'cause I still had friends from England,
and Americans didn't appreciate it to the same degree,
didn't always get it,
actually,
but we tried our best.
And that was a long time ago,
that was my שנה א׳.
And then I stopped and I asked myself like,
"Is this good?
Is this good?
Is this bringing נחת רוח להשם?"
And actually,
I want to apologize right now Even that line that I just said now,
just like in reflection,
like אברהם אבינו,
and no,
moment by moment,
that wasn't a good line either.
Like to make פירוד between English and American,
I regret what I just said a moment ago,
and I take it back,
and I apologize.
But now going back 30 years,
so at that time,
like I remember in שנה אלף thinking like,
I don't want this to be part of my life.
I don't want this type of speech.
And it was really hard because that was everything I grew up,
not everything,
but that was a lot of what I grew up on,
right?
That was the culture that I grew up in,
and it was like the fun way of connecting to friends.
Like that was what how you spoke and what you spoke about.
But it's לשון הרע,
and it's אונאת דברים.
Right,
it's לשון הרע if it's about someone else,
and it's אונאת דברים to the person's face.
And yet they laugh along with you,
but it's אונאת דברים,
you're making fun of them,
you're ridiculing them.
And it's איסורים,
it's actual איסורים.
But in the culture that I grew up in,
it wasn't considered an איסור,
it was considered elite,
it was considered like מכובד,
you know,
if you did it well.
And it was hard,
cuz it was like,
in a way,
cutting away a part of myself.
It was like part of what I did,
and how I spoke,
and who I was.
It was hard.
But then I realized like,
this is what I need to do,
this is who I need to be,
right?
So it's a part of my culture that's going to go away,
but that's a part which I'm willing to let go,
to hopefully build a better culture and a more productive culture.
And by the time I got married,
my wife didn't even know that side of me.
She'd never heard me speak that way.
And I once had a friend come for שבת,
a friend of mine from my childhood who came for שבת.
And I went right back into that mode with him,
because that's how we spoke,
that was the way we bantered between us.
And he wasn't married yet at that time,
we were recently married.
And my wife said to me at the end,
she said like,
"See,
I've never seen you like that."
And she said,
"And I don't like it."
And I caught myself how I'd made that change,
because it wasn't so conscious that I'd made that change.
It was like an initial thought to change,
but I didn't like Only when I sat with that friend,
and like we started speaking and I went right back into the previous mode,
I suddenly like,
wow,
how I used to speak and how I speak now,
and especially through my wife's eyes,
what a change that was.
So the חשבון נפש sometimes you do at the moment,
and it works,
and sometimes you need to do out of the context.
You need to just like stop and pause and reflect overall,
like is my life path a good path?
Am I doing things the right way?
And sometimes you won't catch yourself in the moment,
but when you do outside and you look in,
you suddenly realize like I need to make a change about where I'm holding
right now.
So these are the initial יסודות of the חשבון נפש,
and בעזרת השם we'll continue building on them in the days to come.