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That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.
Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.
Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.
If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.
You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week, we start with one rule, ladies don't, and then we do it anyway. I'm Tracy Willingham and you might know me as that hormone girl. In today's episode, we are staying loud and raising a little hell by talking about ladies don't ask for what they want, they hint at it. Welcome to another that's not very ladylike. And this week we are discussing ladies don't ask for what they want, they hint at it.
Tracey:We're taught very early that wanting things is outright rude and that asking directly makes us demanding or that even being clear about our needs somehow makes us too much. Good women don't need much and if they do, they certainly don't say it out loud. So instead of asking, we soften our asks, we hint, we accommodate, We adjust ourselves first. And we tell ourselves, I'll just make it work. It's not that big of a deal.
Tracey:And maybe the first few times it really does feel fine. And it really is okay ish with us until it isn't because we end up waiting. We wait for someone to notice. We wait for someone to offer. We wait for someone to care enough to read between the lines that we have carefully constructed.
Tracey:We wait for mind reading. We wait for rescue. We even wait for proof that we matter without having to ask. And when it doesn't happen, we tell ourselves it shouldn't matter. But it does.
Tracey:Because what we're actually doing isn't being generous. It isn't being selfless. It isn't being easygoing. What's really happening to us is that we're disappearing. And then that disappearing becomes very exhausting.
Tracey:It's the type of disappearing that's the quiet kind, The kind that settles into your shoulders, the kind that makes everything feel heavier than it should, and the kind where you're doing so much and still you feel unseen. So I want to share a story with you. This is one of my favorites. This was a real early lesson in my career that I had to learn. And also someone who helped me with this lesson became one of my dearest friends.
Tracey:So there was a season in my career where I was working until 08:00 every night. And it wasn't occasionally, it wasn't just a crunch time, it was every night. My husband would actually text me and be like, Do you remember how to come home? Are you coming home? And my desk was constantly covered in piles of work.
Tracey:I mean, projects stacked on top of projects to the point you couldn't see me behind the stacks on my desk. And then my emails, don't even think about the emails, they were unanswered. And it wasn't because I didn't care, but I didn't have enough hours. And every night I told myself the same thing. I just need to push a little harder.
Tracey:Once I push a little harder, I'm going to make a dent in this and then it'll be fine. And I worked at a nonprofit and the budget was always tight. And there was always another need, always another crisis, always another reason why it wasn't the right time to ask for support, and always another type of moment where I could justify, don't ask for money that could go directly to clients. So in my mind, for help felt very selfish. Like I was taking resources away from the mission.
Tracey:And like I wasn't saying, you know, like I was saying that my limits mattered more than the actual work. And then I started to convince myself that, hey, being tired is part of caring deeply. That means you are delivering services to your clients and that this is the price of being committed. And everyone else could handle it, so why can't I? And if you've ever been the reliable one, the fixer, the person everyone counts on, you probably recognize this logic.
Tracey:And then one night, a friend of mine at work, James, looked at me and asked a very simple question. When are you going to ask to delegate some of your work? And I remember brushing it off immediately. I laughed. I minimized it.
Tracey:I even deflected. But basically, was like, Hey, it's not possible. There's just not room for that, and we're just going to have to make it work. But the truth, and really the part I didn't say out loud to him, was I'm afraid. I'm afraid of seeming ungrateful.
Tracey:I'm afraid of being told no. I'm afraid of seeming like I'm incapable of doing this job. And I'm also afraid of disrupting a system that, let's be honest, had quietly come to depend on me for overfunctioning. I had programmed the agency to expect I will always over function. Because when you're the one who always handles it, people stop imagining alternatives.
Tracey:And eventually something shifted. And it wasn't at once. I wish I could say it was like the next day, but something did shift. And I realized that not asking was not noble and it was not leadership. I was not demonstrating any type of good leadership to my team, and it wasn't strength.
Tracey:And absolutely, it was not sustainable. So I just got brave and I asked. I asked for a director level role that would allow me to restructure the workload instead of just absorbing it. And I asked for authority that matched responsibility. And guess what?
Tracey:To my surprise, it was approved. And the very first thing I did after that, I walked into my office, I took half the work off my desk, I walked into James office and I put it on his and I said, you're promoted. You are now my director. And probably not the best like HR hiring, but I was like, you asked and here I am delegating and he jumped right in. And that moment taught me something that I will never forget.
Tracey:Asking for help did not weaken the organization. And what I realized was is it strengthened it because it didn't take away from the mission. It also honored and validated a skill set that my team had. It gave them opportunity to shine and to learn, and it made the mission possible. I wasn't asking like, Hey, give me less work.
Tracey:I was asking for the right work. I was asking for the work you hired me to do. And once I stopped carrying everything alone, everything functioned better. And it wasn't just me that was functioning better. So let's consider what was really happening here.
Tracey:So most women don't struggle with knowing what they want. We struggle with believing we're allowed to want it without earning it first. So the want gets translated and it becomes a workaround more like a compromise and a version that definitely sounds nicer, smaller and easier to accept. So instead of saying I need help, we say it's fine. I'll figure it out.
Tracey:Instead of saying I don't want to do this anymore. We say, I guess I can make it work. And instead of saying, This doesn't feel good, we stay quiet. And then the resentment becomes the only place that our truth is allowed to live. And the resentment is exhausting.
Tracey:It's heavy. It leaks into our tone. It shows up in passive comments, and shutdowns and snapping over small things. And it's not because we're petty. I can be petty sometimes, but in these instances, it's not because we're petty.
Tracey:It's because we're unheard. And why this gets harder over time? There's a part of this that we don't talk about enough. So when you've spent years, sometimes decades, being the one who adapts, you build an identity around it. You become the dependable one, the easy one, the low maintenance one, the one who doesn't ask for much.
Tracey:And then at some point, your internal world changes faster than your external roles. So your values shift, your tolerance narrows, your awareness sharpens. But the expectations placed on you, they automatically update. So now you're starting to feel irritated, restless, or deeply tired in these situations that used to feel manageable. And it's not because you have suddenly decided I am going to be difficult, but it's because there's this version of you that is not staying quiet and it's no longer fitting into this mold that you've made.
Tracey:Your nervous system feels this mismatch first. So when needs go unspoken, your body stays braced, alert, on edge. You'll hear me talk about this all the time, but it's like the prehistoric tiger in the bush, And you are just braced. You know he's in there. You just don't know when he's coming out and who he's aiming for.
Tracey:So you are braced. You're ready. You're alert. You're on edge. And because these truths, as much as we want them to, they don't disappear.
Tracey:They just wait. They sit and they wait. And they show up as tension and as exhaustion and as the constant sense that you're doing everything and still coming up empty. Asking clearly isn't about control. It's about honesty.
Tracey:And it doesn't guarantee you'll get what you want. But it does guarantee you won't abandon yourself in the process. And yes, asking feels uncomfortable at first. It really, really can. And the reason for that, I should really say, is because it breaks the unspoken rule that women should be agreeable, flexible, and grateful for whatever they're given.
Tracey:But here's the truth. No one can meet a need they don't know exists. No one can respect a boundary that's never spoken, and no one is coming to rescue you from a life that you can't even name. Asking doesn't make you selfish. It makes you clear.
Tracey:So here's our reflection for the week. What are you hinting at instead of asking for? Where are you softening a request or a need because you're afraid of how it will land? Where have you convinced yourself that wanting less makes you easier to love? And I want you to start small.
Tracey:I want you to name the want to yourself first. Say it out loud without any justification. Just lay it out. No explaining why it's reasonable. No shrinking to make it presentable.
Tracey:I just want you to practice asking in places where the stakes are low. Because every time you ask, you teach your nervous system that you're allowed to exist fully in your own life. And that is the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice, and help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl.
Tracey:And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.