Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
(Episode previously named “Welcome to Understanding Kindness”)
In this episode, Dani introduces herself and the podcast. She discusses vulnerability and understanding.
For links & recommendations, view full episode notes.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Alright, cool cats and kittens, let’s get this started! Just kidding. Alright, so I’m here today to talk to you about understanding and kindness, but why me? Why am I doing this? Over about the past year or so I’ve been listening to podcasts, reading books, watching YouTube videos by activists, scientists, researchers, doctors, People who are just like super interested in making the world a better place. I’ve been going to therapy and learned a lot about myself, been doing work on myself, applying these things to my life, and have found that really to be the happiest, you need understanding and you need kindness. You need to understand yourself and then you can understand others, and in order to do that we have to be kind to ourselves. So my real intention with this whole podcast is to help People change their lives and then change the world.
[1:16] So what is this even about? This podcast will basically be about whatever I want it to be. A topic I’m learning about, a book I just read, maybe a podcast epi- episode I listened to, really anything that sparks my interest, I feel is important, and can help People out. I also wanna let you know how I’m applying these things to my life so that you’re able to see how it works in real life. How somebody can actually do these things and how it’s simpler than we think it is everybody, don’t worry about it. I’ll walk you through it. I wanna let you know some of my thoughts on these things. I will be talking through some thoughts, working things out on the mic with you so please bear with me, but I do wanna relate all this back to kindness and understanding because really, that’s what it all comes back to. If we’re kind and understanding to ourselves, we can do the same to others. And I wanna let you know how you can do these things too! Now without further ado, welcome to the first episode of Understanding Kindness!
[2:30] Theme.
[2:38] Alright, first off I wanna start with a story, actually kind of an epiphany that I realized about my life. So a little bit of background about me: currently I’m 25 years old, I live with my mom, I graduated from college and moved back home with her. I have two siblings, they are both older though, and don’t live in the house with my mom and I, and they have the same dad. I have a separate dad, but we all share the same mom. So my parents got divorced when I was five, and that meant that my mom had full custody of me and my dad have visitations with a supervisor every Sunday. I think when I was that age, you know, they told me something…”Mom and Dad can’t get along, so we’re getting a divorce”. That wasn’t the real reason, but I was only five, right? So after that from about six years old to fourteen years old, I would have these really bad tantrums, lots of aggression and crying and screaming, “I wanna live with my dad”, blah, blah, blah. Mostly out on my mom of course cause she was the closest to me, but these happened very frequently. I have no idea what triggered- what would trigger them and they were unpredictable. Every time after though, I was immediately remorseful. I would actually write these notes to my mom, these letters, you know, apologizing saying, “I don’t know why I did this. I won’t do it again. I’m so sorry.” And during this quarantine we were going through boxes, cleaning out the house and we found a whole box of those letters. So that was super fun to go through, reading all of my remorseful letters to my mom!
[4:35] Anyway, so yes, I was remorseful every time. Really didn’t understand why it would happen, I just didn’t have control over it. So then, at about fourteen years old I was told the real reason my parents were divorced and I’m not sure if it was my age or the reason, like finding out the actual reason my parents got divorced and it kinda clicked or made sense, but these tantrums, this aggression kinda stopped. Not sure why. So then during this quarantine kind of while my mom and I were going through old stuff, I was talking to her, asking her about her past. She’s had two divorces, raising three kids on her own, all that stuff. And while talking with her about this, I asked her, I was like, “You know, do you think these tantrums that I used to have are related to me not knowing the reason that my dad left?” And my mom was kinda like, “Uh, well no because we told you a reason -it wasn’t the- the real reason- but we told you a reason, like, when you were younger, so I don’t think it’s from lack of knowing that you were having these tantrums.” So my mom and I had to, well mostly me because I just like to sit with my thoughts and think about it, but I was also asking my mom, trying to figure out where these were coming from, just trying to learn more about myself.
[6:04] In figuring this stuff out, I think I should mention a bit about- about my dad’s background. He is a chef, so chefs work a lot, about 6 or 7 days a week. So with that kind of occupation, the visitations that I was supposed to be having with him every Sunday couldn’t always happen. You know, maybe he had to work that day, maybe -I did say they were supervised visits- so maybe he wasn’t able to find a supervisor, maybe it was just like hard to coordinate things around when you’re gonna have your kid. So, the- the visitations happened less and less frequently until I think I just really didn’t see him often at all. And what I realized while talking with my mom through this is that I wasn’t upset about not knowing the reason my dad was gone, because like we said I was told something and then I found it out, the real reason later, but I was really upset about these inconsistencies in seeing my dad. I- It was so unpredictable, you know, I would be geared up and ready to go visit tomorrow and then find out that I couldn’t because he had to work or, you know, whatever. So, these tantrums and this aggression was just this manifestation on this- the information I had, you know, my dad’s not around anymore, I’m five years old. Why- I’m not really- I don’t really understand why and I’m feeling hurt and upset and I just didn’t understand and I had these tantrums, these bursts of aggression. Because I didn’t understand them I couldn’t control them or stop them.
[7:57] So after I figured this out I kind of was set on this reason for being, which I still believe is the cause of these tantrums, but I was thinking deeper about it. Why did my mind go right to I didn’t know the reason? Like, almost blaming my mom, like, “You didn’t tell me the reason why he left”. When I said that at first, that did not sit with her well. She was like, “Excuse me, I told you Miss.” And I was like, “Oh shit, okay, sorry.” So once I kinda looked at that more I realized I’m perpetuating this bias that I have towards my dad. You know, back then, when I was five having these tantrums I would yell and scream at my mom, you know, “Why can’t I see my dad. I wish I lived with him.” And now, current day, there it is again, this bias towards my dad. I guess I’m a daddy’s girl, but just, you know, “You didn’t tell me the reason.” Not, oh, like, it’s that inconsistency there of not knowing when I’ll see him next. So if we don’t sit down and evaluate our behaviors and our lives we will just continue perpetuating these biases that we have that we’ve learned in childhood. And, let me tell you, I wasn’t having tan- I don’t have tantrums now. I’m not aggressive now, but I was still able to perpetuate that bias. And in a way, be aggressive towards my mom in blaming her for these tantrums that I had. So we have to reevaluate our lives, take a second look, figure out why we act and react the certain ways that we do. And while we’re living life, we’re not stopping and thinking about the reasons why something makes us feel some type of way, we just act.
[10:12] So after evaluating this part of myself, learning more about it, as well as consuming the media of these podcasts I’m listening to, the books I’m reading, all of these things combined, I’ve realized that People act and react based only on the knowledge that we have and our life experiences. So, when I’m able to gather more knowledge about my life experiences I’m able to understand them more and come to terms with them more. So understanding this motivating factor for these tantrums, this aggression, helped me to forgive myself for being that way when I was younger to other People because I did affect my mom, I did affect, you know, my family and friends, and I had a lot of guilt for that. I understand I was just a kid at the time, but for me, I can’t not feel guilty knowing that I impacted others in a negative way. For me to look at it from a different angle, another perspective, my adult mind, looking at my life experience in the past and what has happened to me, I was able to understand the reasoning and realize that I’m just a child. I had no control over wh- who I was seeing and when, and that’s frustrating because we all- we’re not able to do- to have control as a child because you’re a child, but that doesn’t mean that things don’t affect us. Releasing that guilt from myself, I mean, huge, and has made me just able to move about life in a freer, happier way because I don’t feel guilty about this anymore. I understand why I did it and I can explain to others if they are also curious. So, that’s just so much clarity that I’m very grateful that I delve- de- delved into and figured out about myself. So I can’t stress enough just asking questions of those People close to you, especially the People that raised you cause you’re gonna learn (1) something about them, but also so much about yourself because the People that raised you are the People that literally taught you how to be in life. So when we learn about them, we can learn about the choices they made in raising us, the reasons they did certain things, and how it affects us. So I cannot stress enough to ask questions of those around you, especially those that raised you.
[13:21] I do wanna throw a little reference at you real quick. This is our first reference of Understanding Kindness, are you ready? So I have been listening to this podcast, relatively new, called The Happiness Lab that’s ab- done by a Yale professor? of psychology. I mean, what does it sound like? They talk about happiness and how to be happy. So in one of these episodes, they talked about a study that was done about small talk. Individuals in the study were asked to, you know, go on a crowded train car and either not engage with anyone or talk to somebody. The study found that those that talked to someone, afterwards were significantly happier than those that minded their own business and did not engage with anyone. And these People weren’t picked out special, you know, extroverts or introverts or anything. This is a random group of People with differing levels of social anxiety and regular generalized anxiety, and no matter who it was in the small talk experimental group, these People were happier afterwards. So The Happiness Lab, Dr. Laurie Santos was discussing how when we think- when our mind tells us that we don’t want to engage or our anxiety is telling us that we don’t want to engage, it’s completely wrong. Our mind is lying to us. It will make us feel loads better to just put yourself out there and ask a question- how are you? How is your day? Tell me about your past. It doesn’t matter the question, or who we’re talking to, it just matters that social connection with someone, that interaction. There- we’re- we’re happier from it. There are endorphins that release because of it and our brain is- our mind is lying to us. So although it seems hard and anxiety-evoking, trust me I know. Try it. Take the first step. Try it. You’ll feel better, I promise.
[15:56] Now I do want to shift focus a little bit, not too much, but I do want to talk about something that I have learned from reading a specific book. And it’s really, like, tied it all together for me and help me- helped me to figure out me, myself. So I wanna share this information with you, share this resource with you on how to cultivate your individuality. So this book that I’m referring to is called “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” by Esther Perel. I heard about this book from a podcast called Normalizing Non-Monogamy. So this, you may think, that this book is about non-monogamy, let me tell you…it is but it’s also not. This central theme that I really pulled from this book was to cultivate my individual sense of self. Yes, in a relationship because you need to have two individuals in a relationship, not- for it to be a- a healthy, flourishing relationship. Not, kind of a mash-up of two People trying to be the same Person. We need our individual selves for ourselves and for our relationships. So I’ve just learned that I have to figure myself out in life, not only for myself and to live a better life, but to have better relationships. I’m doing this, not just for myself, but for the People around me. And not just to be a better Person for them, but to also be a mirror to them and show them how it’s okay to be yourself and that’s what makes you a beautiful Person and this human being that attracts other People to you, wanting to know more about you.
[18:09] So since finishing this book, I’ve been- and it has not been long, maybe not even a month, I’ve been exploring so many aspects of myself. And I- I’ve learned- I’ve learned so much and figured out what I like, what I dislike, what I stand for, what I won’t stand for, and I feel more myself than I ever have in my whole life. I feel the happiest I have ever felt in my whole life, and I have been down in the pits, dude. Not even two years ago I was there and…it’s like a whole different side of a coin how I’m feeling now. And all of this is because I have, yes cultivated my sense of individuality, but also the things I’ve learned about kindness and understanding I’m applying to my life too. So while cultivating this sense of individuality, learning about myself, learning what I like and don’t like, I’m being kind to myself, I’m trying to understand where these feelings are coming from, why I’m having them, and understand that it’s okay. It’s not me that’s the problem. It’s not you that’s the problem. It’s society around you. Fuck society. Fuck whatever norms it has. Just- You have to go on your path, you have to do what makes you happy…or else you’ll die mad. I can’t stress that enough. There- There’s a choice…and one of the choices is to die mad. So figure yourself out, figure out what makes you happy and do it.
[20:01] And while we’re applying these things to ourself, knowing ourself, understanding ourself, we have to do this first, we have to practice it with ourselves first so that we can do it for others and practice it with others in our lives because, if you think about it, if we’re being this way towards ourselves, we can feel how it feels for us to be this way with ourselves so we can know how it will make others feel to really see them. When you finally see yourself, you can see others so much easier. Now I know that this is easy to say, I also know that this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But after having thought about it, it’s also the easiest thing that you can do. What? Let me explain that a bit.
[21:10] Yes, it is difficult to face your fears, face these negative feelings that you have about yourself or others, but we have to understand that we are the experts in our own experiences. We need to listen to ourselves, our emotions, our bodies. They’re all signals to us. We need to listen to them so we can find out who we truly are and how your- our experiences have shaped and molded our lives. We’re all products of our own experiences. So it’s easy to do this because we’re the experts, we’re the only ones that truly know the answers. And when we listen to these signals from our minds and our bodies we learn that that is who we truly are. That’s who- who we are on the inside. We have to listen to those feelings. When someone says something racist or homophobic in front of you and you get that kind of {Grunt} in your gut or that lock in your throat like, “Uh, I should say something”, that’s who you are. And that holding back is what society has told you to do. That {Grunt} that you’re feeling, that’s society. Holding back who you really are, what you know is right, how you really feel. Listen and act.
[23:00] I get it. Vulnerability is hard, it is hard to put yourself out there. I do have to say, I am someone that highly enjoys vulnerability. I always have, always will and I’ve learned the effectiveness of it. I’ve learned that when I’m able to be vulnerable with People they reciprocate and it opens up a bridge between, not just me and that Person, but a lot of times I’ll find they’ll come back and tell me that they’ve thought about something or realized something else about themselves. And we’ll talk through it and I can see how my being vulnerable allowed them to be vulnerable and be in this safe space with me because I will understand them cause I understand myself. So being vulnerable is so effective. It- It helps me every day, being vulnerable to others and then learning about their experiences. I can see why they acted a certain way and I understand their reactions. Maybe it’s not right, but then you can also point it out to them and they can see maybe it’s not right, and maybe I do need to think about this for a bit. It is effective though. It works almost every time, and even if it doesn’t, when it does work it is so worth all the times that it didn’t work.
[24:39] So kinda getting into vulnerability, I don’t know if you have guessed where I’m going next, but I am gonna talk about the queen of vulnerability, Miss Brené Brown herself. Ironically enough, I have not read “Daring Greatly” or all these other books by her yet. Don’t worry, it’s on my list -it’s just a long list. But I have listened to a new podcast that she’s put out called Unlocking Us. It’s really an interview podcast where she talks with individuals about being brave, being vulnerable, having courage in their life in general, just understanding more about these People. What I’ve learned is that vulnerability is strength. It shows confidence that you’re able to trust others. Cause, I mean, trust is- isn’t that so vulnerable. To allow someone else to hold your feelings in their hands. {Exhale} That’s- That’s vulnerable, but it’s also strength to know that someone has the power to manipulate you, but trusting that they won’t because of where you’re coming from. If you’re coming from a place of kindness and understanding you- you can’t do anything wrong and if you’re showing People how to be this way, I have a lot of confidence that they will show these feelings that they have -your feelings that they have in their hands- kindness and understanding -understanding if you let them.
[26:42] We have to be kind and we have to understand ourselves. We have to do both of these things first to ourselves so that we can be outward in it, and be kind to others, be kind in the world, understand others, and understand the world as a whole. If we’re not being vulnerable, we’re not growing, we’re not gathering more information, we’re not gathering more understanding. It is…light-years worse to sit and stew in anxiety about what-if. Why would you choose that when we know being vulnerable will make us happier? Our- Our brains are telling us one thing, but it’s lying. It’s telling us to be anxious and this isn’t gonna go well and we shouldn’t do it, we’re gonna look stupid, whatever! It’s lying! That’s how anxiety works, it’s a worrywart. It just keeps eating away at you until it’s all-consuming and paralyzes you and debilitates you. Anxiety’s worst enemy is vulnerability, so when we’re able to put a little bit of vulnerability into our lives, be a little vulnerable, it starts crushing that anxiety and taking over in our mind to a point where we can be vulnerable and trusting of others with our full being when we’re not anxious about the what-ifs.
[28:21] I’ve gotta say, even if my anxiety is right about one situation, maybe I did put myself out there and that Person just kept on walking or gave me a dirty look, and oof that’s weird and it hurts and it’s awkward, but I’ve been being vulnerable for 25 years now and I can tell you when it pays off, when you’re vulnerable with somebody and they in return are vulnerable with you, the pay off is so big and so fulfilling, it’s worth it every time. Even those times it doesn’t pay off. It makes me feel better, and more importantly, I f- I feel that it makes them feel better, the Person that I’m with- that I’m being vulnerable with. Maybe they might not be vulnerable with you but you were vulnerable with them. I wanna think that you showing them vulnerability, even if they don’t show it to you back -cause let’s face it, not everyone’s gonna be vulnerable with their cashier or a random Person on a train car- but maybe they’re vulnerable with their parents later that day, maybe they’re vulnerable with a friend. It doesn’t matter necessarily that they’re giving us something back but that we are giving and showing how to be, how to do it.
[30:02] So I know I am from the US and I know that there is a huge stress in our school systems and in learning in general that learning is about facts and absolute truths, and that’s just- that’s not the only type of learning there is. Experiences, your life experiences, and your understanding of the world, that’s learning just the same and I would argue to be a human, those are the things that we need to learn about front and center. We need to learn how to be as ourselves, with others, and within our Earth, our world. An absolute truth that we do know is that this world is fluid and unpredictable and because of that this learning and growing through life experiences and our understanding of the world is a lifelong journey. And we just need to keep learning more and more and more, and the more that we learn and that we understand, the happier we are, the happier we can be, and the happier we can make others.
[31:15] Ask questions about People’s lives. Ask the People that are close to you, those that raised you, if you can. Ask about their lives, ask about these choices that they made in raising you so that you’re able to see how your life has been affected and how you’ve been taught certain things and how you can change them just by being aware of them. You know, if you can’t talk to someone close to you -I mean we’re in quarantine right now, you’re, you know, quarantined from everyone close to you- if you’re going to the store, talk to the cashier. Just ask a question. Just put yourself out there, even if it’s a toe. The endorphins released in our body when we do this, our reward center lights up and it- it’s gonna make us wanna do it again. So it does not matter how big or small this step is, what matters is that we take it. It doesn’t even matter what you ask, “Oh how’s your day going?” What matters is how you respond to them talking to you. What People deeply want and crave in others is their time and attention, and those things are both infinite and finite. Time goes on forever, but we only have so much of it. Our attention span could go on forever, but it could also be very quick. We can choose to be in this moment, to put our att- our attention and our focus with what’s right in front of us, that Person, that human being right in front of you. Give them that three minutes of your time. Give them that three minutes of your attention, your full attention. Cause that’s what we want, right? When we’re talking to someone we want them to see us and to hear us, to understand us, and if we’re not able to do that for others then we- why do we think we have a right to receive that from others?
[33:42] Be kind to yourself, be understanding to yourself so that you can be kind and understanding towards others. If we’re able to take these steps to be more ourselves and to help others be more themselves, I believe we can change the world.
[34:04] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]