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Art of Spousing is for marriages that what to move from being mundane to becoming masterpiece relationships. Hosts James and Lisa Duvall share truths and lessons learned from their 30 years of marriage and over a decade of teaching, coaching, and speaking on marriage.
Podcast: Art Of Spousing
Episode Title: Episode S4.5
Host(s): James, Lisa
Guest(s): Cole, Karissa
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James (Host) | 00:00:00 to 00:00:08
Well, Colin, Krista, it's so great to have you on the podcast and here with us today. Thank you for joining us on the show. Of course. Glad to be here. Having us some of our favorite married.
James (Host) | 00:00:08 to 00:00:44
People here, we've had really the privilege of actually watching your love story from the beginning and we're huge fans of who you guys are as individuals, how you lead. And we've been excited about having this conversation because I think it's going to be so profound for couples who are really wanting to live on mission and wanting to make an impact through their marriage. And you guys are doing that. So to get us started, could you just begin by taking us back down memory lane and sharing with us a little bit your love story, what's brought you to this place in your marriage? Yeah, so it's got up and downs, ups and downs.
Cole (Guest) | 00:00:44 to 00:01:05
I would say that it was an arranged marriage kind of off the start, which I'm from California originally moved here to Florida. When I moved here, somebody told me I have a wife for you, which I thought was interesting to hear in this day and age. But sure enough, years later, Chris and I found ourselves married. So obviously that person was right. But I grew up in a military family, so kind of grew up all over the world.
Cole (Guest) | 00:01:05 to 00:01:26
Moved a lot every two or three years. Didn't go to a school for more than two or three years at a time. So when I moved here, I kind of had some commitment issues. So it was a big step in my journey to move out on my own to come to Florida. And when Chris and I started dating, I just very quickly realized that I was horrified and terrified of a committed relationship.
Cole (Guest) | 00:01:26 to 00:01:41
So I did what every good boyfriend would do. The first time Chris I met my mom, we were at Disney. We live about 3 hours south of Disney, and as soon as we got. In the car, I was like, I crushed this. I met the mom, she loved me.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:01:41 to 00:01:49
This went so well. We're starting to drive home from work. Yeah. We get right in the car to drive home, 3 hours and I look over and I'm like, I don't think this is going to work out. Breaks up with me.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:01:49 to 00:02:07
The beginning, the beginning of the drive our car ride. Oh, my goodness. That was the first of three rough the first of three breakups in our relationship story. And really for me, it was just kind of realizing that I had something internally that God was working out. And praise God, she stuck with me.
Cole (Guest) | 00:02:07 to 00:02:33
And here we are eight years later. Mary's so grateful for that. It really wasn't your typical love story, if you will, but I'm really grateful that you believed in me and stuck with me through it all. Yeah, it was definitely quite the roller coaster love you, forgive you, we're all good. But looking back, it really was, to be honest, it was a roller coaster for my heart, and there was a lot of heartbreak involved and being broken up with three times, my bad.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:02:33 to 00:02:55
It's okay. But it was a big revelation for you to work through some of the things that were just really holding our relationship back. But obviously more than our relationship was the struggle. There were some bigger things that God needed to do in you, and it was a painful journey to be broken up with. But I felt like I had really sweet moments with God during that heartbreak season.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:02:55 to 00:03:39
In fact, there was a word that God gave me during one of the breakups that I have held onto even beyond our dating relationship, into our marriage, into our family life. And this word was God saying to me, I do good work, so let me do it. And it was just a release for me to go, man, sometimes things don't go the way we think they're going to go. Even though I was really confident that you were the guy for me in that moment, it was hard and difficult, but God gave me a word that gave me strength. I think another revelation that we had was once we got through that dating season, engaged, married a couple months down the road, we had to quickly realize that the stuff from our dating season didn't just kind of disappear when we got married.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:03:39 to 00:04:18
And that was kind of like a rude awakening for us. I think we all thought marriage was this reset button on your life, and it's just actually not at all that we thought this was the beginning of a totally different clean slate. But the insecurity that came from our dating season actually came with us into our marriage season, and we were like, oh, man, we really have to deal with this stuff. And Cole, you did such a great job doing the hard work and working through that, and I had to do the hard work of rebuilding my trust in Was. It was messy, but it's been beautiful and challenging and all of it.
Cole (Guest) | 00:04:18 to 00:04:45
Yeah. A piece of what we have kind of learned as we pastor and lead people as a profession, as we kind of developed this statement, like, where you go, there you are. So if you're anxious and afraid and you go to Disney World, you're just anxious and afraid with a $100 pair of Mickey ears on. Your know, if you're anxious and afraid or insecure and you go to the Bahamas, you're just anxious, afraid, insecure in the know. So we think of escaping our life or we think of going on a vacation, but where you go, there you are.
Cole (Guest) | 00:04:45 to 00:05:08
And the same is true for relationships. So I often look at guys, know, couples that are about to get married, and I'm like, hey, whatever it is that you are dealing with right now, it is going to escalate and it's actually probably going to double or triple as soon as you step into a marriage. And I think we've learned that from people like you guys who have led us so well. And we've watched your marriage and how you guys deal with the hard things. So, yeah, the work was hard.
Cole (Guest) | 00:05:08 to 00:05:33
To deal with those commitment issues, I had to go to counseling, spent a lot of time sitting in a chair doing what I don't want to do, which is to go back and ask hard questions about my upbringing and about some things I'd experienced. And really I found where that commitment fear had come from. And it led to where we are now. So grateful for that. And I would say to anybody that's walking through something, maybe you're feeling like you're lacking in an area, do the work now.
Cole (Guest) | 00:05:34 to 00:05:43
Because if not, you're going to pay for it later. So I'm grateful. I'm still working on myself, just to be very clear. Still have some things that we're working through. Well, so are we.
Lisa (Host) | 00:05:43 to 00:06:07
30 years later. 30 years later, we have had a massive hiccup in communication in the last month or so that we've talked a lot about. And 30 years later, if we think that we're done learning and growing about ourselves and what God wants to do in and through us and healing and then together collectively, if we think that's over at any time, that's a sad reality. So I love your story. Of course I knew pieces of that.
Lisa (Host) | 00:06:07 to 00:06:47
But I think it's cool to see how you can see God is working all things together because even those tense moments and painful breakups did do work, even though you had to revisit it early in marriage, you're laying groundwork that you're building on. And I think what we're going to talk to you guys about today is going to be powerful because all of that was so necessary in what God has called you on mission to do, which is very complex and layered, what he's asked you to do. And so it's so cool. And what you shared there was really profound too, because one of the things that so many couples go into marriage with is unrealistic expectations. And you said it, you think that there's going to be a reset, that the things that you deal with when you're dating are going to be different.
James (Host) | 00:06:47 to 00:07:03
When you say I do, and where you go, there you are. You take it with you into your marriage, it doesn't change. And so I really commend you on just the hard work of self awareness. And we always say a better me is a better we. And so as you've worked on yourself, it's made a better relationship.
James (Host) | 00:07:04 to 00:07:30
Not just the better you, Cole, but the better the two of you together. Yeah. And I think this is the snapshot of the Robinson married couple is that you guys have wisdom beyond your biological years. God has done download in you that's further on in age wise because we deal with people who are older, married, that haven't figured out that one thing, and they're still dealing with it 2030 years later. Congratulations.
James (Host) | 00:07:31 to 00:07:56
Good work. Yeah, good work. Okay, so you all are foster parents, and we're talking about marriage on mission. So many aspects that we could talk about with the two of you, but this one in particular because it's so unique, I feel like, to you all getting married, and early on in your marriage story, you feel called to be foster parents. And so I'd like to know a little bit about that story, how y'all both came together, husband and wife, while you're working on all the things you're working on.
Cole (Guest) | 00:07:56 to 00:08:06
I began with Krista saying, we're going to foster. Oh, okay. So what were we, nine months into marriage? Like, didn't even have a year under our belt. And she's like, we're going to a foster class.
Cole (Guest) | 00:08:07 to 00:08:35
I was like, you're out of your mind. No way. Yeah, there was a little more to the story. No, that was my interpretation of it. So we were gathered together with a bunch of church leaders, and there was this call from the platform to take up the call to care for widows and orphans in the modern day and that's these kids in our own backyards that are abused, abandoned, neglected, can no longer be with their biological families removed for their safety and placed into foster care.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:08:35 to 00:09:02
And these leaders were championing the church to really call the church up, to step up and get these foster kids in Christian homes. And we're all just cheering. We're like, yes, the church needs to do this. And Cole and I have always had it in our heart to foster or adopt, and especially me. As I was a younger teenager, I had this reoccurring dream as a young kid that I would be sleeping, and I would hear a baby crying outside the front door of my house, and I would go open the door, and there was the baby on my doorstep.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:09:02 to 00:09:24
And even before I was saved as a young child, I had this reoccurring dream. And not until really, a couple years ago did God help me know and realize that he was giving a vision for my life, that he had this plan for me long ago. And so church leaders empowering the church. You need to go tell the church to become foster parents. And Cole and I just kind of looked at each other, and we're like, man, we're going to call the church to do this.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:09:24 to 00:09:42
Maybe we ought to pray if this is something we need to do. And so we prayed, and Cole was kind of like, yeah, no. I didn't have a like it was a process for me to work out. I think ultimately, we went to the class. I heard some of the stats, and that really wasn't what moved me.
Cole (Guest) | 00:09:42 to 00:09:57
What moved me was, again, I told you, I grew up in a military family. I have this picture of government that's like, government fixes everything. And the Holy Spirit spoke to me, and he was like, the reason the system is broken is because the government is doing something the church should be doing. It's not the government's job to care for kids. It's the church's job.
Cole (Guest) | 00:09:57 to 00:10:11
It was why Christians started hospitals. It's why Christians started orphanages. It's because it's our job to care for kids. So it was messy. Yeah, it was messy because there was this issue, like, I had this vision and this dream and this great confidence to do it.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:10:11 to 00:10:25
And Cole had this reservation, and just like, hesitancy we're nine months married. What are we like, why would we do this now? And we don't need kids yet. We got to travel and whatever. Yeah, it was just kind of me wrestling.
Cole (Guest) | 00:10:25 to 00:10:36
And you were patient with me, and I appreciate that you were patient for a good, solid two weeks, and then. We went to the class. But from there, I think the biggest thing is we've had twelve kids come through our home. Wow. We have one right now who's eight months.
Cole (Guest) | 00:10:36 to 00:10:46
Sweetest little girl. We have one forever. Our daughter Nyla. And really the picture that God gave me was people say this all the time, and it actually kind of drives me nuts. And if you've said this before, it's okay.
Cole (Guest) | 00:10:46 to 00:11:06
People say, I could never foster. It would just be so heartbreaking. How could you give those kids? Like, it would just be too painful. And I had this realization that it was like either you as an adult who is able to process pain, who is able to attach to a child and love them in the way they should be loved, and you deal with the pain, or you just allow that child to not experience that love, and they deal with the pain on their own.
Cole (Guest) | 00:11:06 to 00:11:35
And when I thought about that, it was like the clearest picture of Jesus that I had ever experienced, which was like, Jesus took our pain knowing full well that we may not choose Him, we may not be able he may not get the satisfaction of us loving Him back or worshiping Him. Right. That picture. But he still did it anyway so that I might experience the life that he has for me. So really, when I had that kind of happen during our first it was actually right after our first foster baby got reunited, I was crushed because I felt that, like, I just attached this baby for four months.
Cole (Guest) | 00:11:36 to 00:11:49
You're up every night, you're loving them, you're sacrificing. And she went home. Ever since then, I've realized when people say that I could never get so attached. We have to get attached. You have to love these kids, because if you don't no one is like, who's going to do it?
Cole (Guest) | 00:11:49 to 00:12:17
And that's ultimately what I said about the church, is like, no one goes and who's going to care for them? So obviously, I know there's probably ups and downs in fostering, but I'd love to hear there has to be something that's constantly propelling that. So what are some of the blessings that you've experienced through parenting in your marriage as a result of fostering kids? Well, I think there's a lot of challenges, but there are a lot of blessings. And like Cole was talking about, the goal of foster care is for kids to be reunified with their biological family.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:12:17 to 00:12:45
The goal isn't that they would become your forever kids. The goal is that we could actually partner with families to get their kids back to do what they need to do. Cole and I have had the privilege of sitting across this 21 year old mom with the baby that was in our home, her baby that was in our home that we were taking care of and just championing her. You can go to the parenting class, you can go to the therapy, you can be successful and get your kid back. And we're going to cheer you on and come sit with us at church.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:12:45 to 00:13:32
And sitting across from a mom with no intentions of her life ever, getting to where it is, it really opens your eyes to go, like, man, our life is so much more than our life, right? It's so much more than just about our day to day and what we want to do and what the dreams in our heart, it's that. But it's also how can we come alongside the families in our community, the kids in our community, the moms and the dads in our community that are in such desperate need of people to just be on their side and support them. And in doing so, it's actually expanded our family. So we have sisters and brothers who we never have been related to, we never thought we'd ever meet or know, but are now a part of our extended family.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:13:32 to 00:13:55
And, like, Cole was talking about our first foster baby. She was with us from four days old to four months old. And then she moved to a family member, an aunt took her in, and it was four years until her mom finally did get her back. And the day her mom, her biological mom got her back, she called us, wow. And was like, I got my baby back.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:13:55 to 00:14:18
Can you meet at the park? We met her at the park, and ever since then, it's just expanded our family and she's a part of our family. And it's just been such a blessing because we didn't know we needed them, they didn't know they needed us. And it's just been a really beautiful part. That first baby, we actually went to Disney World on a Friday with some friends, and Kristen was like, we're going to get a call for our first kid.
Cole (Guest) | 00:14:18 to 00:14:31
I was like, yeah, right. Like, there's no way. So we were at the bottom of the Tower of Terror, and Krista gets a phone call. There's a four day old baby with no name at a hospital, and my heart, like, sank. So we went on the ride, and I'm not even focused.
Cole (Guest) | 00:14:31 to 00:14:41
I'm literally like, I'm about to be a dad in 3 hours drive back. So I made her stop at a Krispy Kreme, and I ate eight Krispy. Kreme donuts on the way home. Just mad stressed. But yeah, that's the beauty of it.
Cole (Guest) | 00:14:41 to 00:15:10
Karissa probably interacts with biological family more than I do. One of the things that I love that I've personally been a part of has been to hopefully inspire other people to take this step. So we got a phone call from a couple really close to us about five months ago, and they were like, hey, we've decided to become foster parents. And it was just such a dream come true for me and for both of us, honestly, because if we can inspire other people to do that, there's kind of been this mantra around foster parents, adoptive parents. We want to change that.
Cole (Guest) | 00:15:10 to 00:15:28
It really is just a normal thing. It's parenting somebody else's kid, which sounds crazy, but honestly, it's caring for people that God loves, and widows and orphans is what God calls us to. That's the purest form of religion. So that's been really exciting for me. And we've seen a couple of people take that step, even a couple more now, like, wrestling with, should we do this?
Cole (Guest) | 00:15:28 to 00:15:41
And so that's been really cool. I guess I didn't really realize what you just shared there about your extended family. That was an AHA for me. I never really thought about that. The parents of these kids actually become extended family.
James (Host) | 00:15:42 to 00:15:52
Like, you've invested that's really powerful. I never really thought about that until you just said that. That's pretty cool. I would say it's hard because Carissa, she understood this. I don't know how just the Holy Spirit spoke to her.
Cole (Guest) | 00:15:52 to 00:16:10
I never would have grabbed this. But when we first started really realizing that our daughter Nyla probably wouldn't get reunited with her biological mom, we never took the stance of us against them. Carissa was like, isn't it amazing, Nyla? You have two mommies and two daddies. And she understands that.
Cole (Guest) | 00:16:10 to 00:16:42
So, Chris, I kind of had the statement, like, you're from Mommy's heart and your other mommy's belly. And Nyla was able to actually differentiate the two, which is beautiful because, again, it didn't put us against them, and it wasn't like, those people versus us. It's like we've been to court and her biological mom is crying, and just she can't pull her life together, and that's okay. And Carissa, instead of standing over here with these other lawyers and people, carissa would go walk across the courtroom and sit with this. And like, that right there is the purest picture to me of the love of God.
Cole (Guest) | 00:16:42 to 00:17:00
It's just like even though you can't pull your life together, we're here with you and we're not trying to take your kid. We're trying to champion, we're going to care for her. So we have story after story like that. That's awesome. I'm thinking about all the blessings and that of extended family that actually doesn't happen unless you have that heart.
Lisa (Host) | 00:17:00 to 00:17:44
I'm sure there's plenty of foster parents who maybe don't have the skill or the know how to do that. So it's even inspiring people to foster but then equipping them on how do you do this so that you actually have influence in these people's lives beyond the four months, two months, six months that you have their kids in your home. I'd love to know how have you prioritized your marriage with the demands of leaving at high levels and caring for extending your heart, attaching to kids and loving them and releasing them. Yeah, I think that does become a challenge. Foster parent, regular parent, whatever you are, it's a challenge to not get so focused on the day to day doing that you forget the person that you sleep next to.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:17:45 to 00:18:16
And we found ourselves there and life sometimes can feel unmanageable and crazy and a bit sporadic. And we do have to constantly realign ourself. And sometimes that looks like, hey, babe, you haven't really me out in a long time. Or sometimes it's like, hey, carissa, you're a little spicy right now, you need to chill. But I will say, to be honest, a lot of the prioritization of our marriage has been a great help from people around us and us just going, yeah, in the natural, we actually can't really do it all on our own.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:18:16 to 00:18:48
And so we are grateful for people that just have really championed us and supported us. So we've got volunteer babysitters who are so great and have come alongside our call to foster amazing women from the church that are just like spiritual grandmas in our life that are like, we'll babysit once a month so you can have a date night. And we're like, this is the best thing to ever happen to our life. So that's really practical. I know, but it has just created a space for us and just margin in our life and I just don't know if that's something that can be replicated just having margin for us to be together.
Cole (Guest) | 00:18:48 to 00:19:04
Yeah. And I think oftentimes we make this a tactical issue, but realistically for me, it's a philosophical one. So I realized kind of early on that this idea of work life balance is really a lie. So for a couple of reasons for me, I'm an all in person. Where I am.
Cole (Guest) | 00:19:04 to 00:19:20
There I am. If I'm at the gym, I'm at the gym. If I'm at home, I'm at home. I'm just kind of all in everywhere. And I realized that if you do this work life, gym, parent, friendship, balance thing, you begin to put yourself against each other.
Cole (Guest) | 00:19:20 to 00:19:36
So like, well, if I'm going to be work life balanced, then I'm going to be like the best person at my job possible. And then I get home and I've got nothing left for my family. And I realized that also I begin to be a different person at work because that's my work coal, and this is my home. Coal. No, I'm coal.
Cole (Guest) | 00:19:36 to 00:19:55
So I'm a parent, I'm a husband, I'm a pastor. I love to go to the gym and work out, but everywhere I am, I need to be the same person. And I realized that over time, I just began to neglect other areas of my life because I just put so much effort into this. And it's not a balanced thing. It's not like a tactical, you need to go out more.
Cole (Guest) | 00:19:55 to 00:20:11
It was like, no, I need to realize that my family is the most important thing in my life. At the same time, when I get to pastor and lead people, that's so important, too. And John ortberg talks about that. It's not a life of balance, it's a well ordered heart. And that's what you're saying.
Lisa (Host) | 00:20:11 to 00:20:54
If there is a night as parents, yes, but then as foster parents, you get a call at 08:00 at night, your life shifts. So the priority, there's no balance in that. You're up through the night. And so you really are developing a discipline of living a well ordered heart, not a balanced life. Because even if we go back to your beginning story of your marriage, story of what God was doing in you, Cole, before you got married and what he was doing in the two of you and how you had to work through that to this point, you're going, that was so valuable and all of these lessons along the way of living a well ordered heart, that life isn't just about one aspect, it's the whole.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:20:54 to 00:21:26
Can I add something? Oh, please, add everything. Cole and I had a conversation just the other day because, Cole, you're such a learner and you're so committed to growing in so many different areas, and I wish to be more like you. But we were talking just like, I want to be a better parent, and Cole's like, I want to be a better pastor. And I'm like, man, it's so cool that God doesn't make it so complicated for us that we can we can become experts in areas, and we should we should read the books, pastor James, you read the books, and we should do that.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:21:26 to 00:22:10
But really, our spiritual growth, our pursuit of God, our pursuit of holiness, solves our intent to be amazing at everything, right? We're not going to be an expert at everything, but with God's help, he gives us the grace to be great parents and great at home and have great marriages and be great pastors. And I'm just grateful that it's not like I only can be good at one. It's that God's going to give me the grace to do all that he's placed in my life and that it does involve intention, of course, and pursuit of learning, but it's also this grace over our life to do all that he's called us to do. Yeah, I think it's a great there's.
James (Host) | 00:22:10 to 00:22:44
Congruency across all the domains of life, right. One of our pastors says all the time is that we have not multiple lives, we have one life. Right. And that congruency across the way, a well ordered heart, having Jesus at the center of it allows you to go through rhythms of life, seasons of life, and have consistency in those things instead of trying to balance all those things. You know, when I think about the word priority, living your life to the fullness that God's called you to, is your number one priority, which includes marriage, which includes parenting, which includes your jobs, which includes foster parents.
Lisa (Host) | 00:22:44 to 00:23:08
Yes. Which I will never sacrifice our marriage on the altar of foster care, and I will never sacrifice my relationship with God on the altar of marriage. And I just know that it is also important, and it does take rhythms of prioritizing what's most important right this moment. But I won't kill our marriage on the sake of what I want to do and how I want to serve. That'S right, because that's not what God is asking us to do.
James (Host) | 00:23:08 to 00:23:27
Right. So I love our senior pastors all the time. Say, like, people talk about work or ministry kills marriages, and they're like, that's not true, because God invented both. They're both good things. So for us, we've had hard seasons where we haven't slept in weeks, and we're like, oh, man, we should probably go on a date.
Cole (Guest) | 00:23:27 to 00:23:30
But it's honestly not what's best for us. What's best for us is just to be healthy.
Cole (Guest) | 00:23:33 to 00:23:48
You're going to sleep on the couch? No, we've literally done. Like, Babe, go sleep on the couch tonight. I'll take care of the kid, because you need to tomorrow be okay. And I think it's beautiful because God doesn't ask us to kill something in order to make something else succeed.
Cole (Guest) | 00:23:48 to 00:24:06
He only gives us grace for what he's called us to. It's so good. So if somebody's listening today and they're considering foster care, what's some insight or some advice you would give? I think it's a beautiful call, and I don't think it takes a really special person. I think it just takes a really available, willing heart.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:24:06 to 00:24:25
And I think God does grace people to do what's so near and dear to his heart. So I would say if it's in your heart, you ought to take a step to just find out some more information, and we can give you more information on that. But practically, it does mean every 25. Days a case manager shows up to. Your house, it is the most inconvenient.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:24:25 to 00:24:31
Thing you will ever do in your life. Your house always has to be clean. Yeah. It does mean praise. I would have an excuse.
Cole (Guest) | 00:24:31 to 00:24:42
No, it's horrible because I'll get a call, it's like case workers coming in 20 minutes and I'm like, Our house is a disaster. And then I go home and I'm like, we just live like this. Perfect. Yeah. It's not big.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:24:42 to 00:25:00
So it does mean a lot of accountability. It does mean your life is wide open. And to us, we're okay with that because that is how we've decided we're going to live our life. And we don't have secrets other than our dirty closet. There is a lot of accountability in that, in the moment.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:01 to 00:25:10
At 08:00 P.m., pastor Lisa, you said it is like you could get a call at 08:00 p.m.. Hey, we've got a three year old girl. It's Thursday. At 09:00 p.m.. She has nowhere to go.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:10 to 00:25:20
She has a full leg cast and she only speaks Spanish. Can you take her for the weekend until we find story? Yes. Can you take her for the weekend until we find a home that can take her? And I said no.
Cole (Guest) | 00:25:21 to 00:25:30
Yes. And I met her. I met that little precious girl. I know you said yes. Well and I think it's important in those marriage moments to go well.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:30 to 00:25:35
Why are you saying no? Just so we need to know. We had that conversation. Why do I want to say yes? Why do you want to say no?
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:35 to 00:25:45
We came to the compromise of we said yes. But here's our boundary, here's our line, here's what we can do. That's good. We can do till Monday morning. We're going to take care of her till Monday morning.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:45 to 00:25:56
But just for her sake, we don't speak Spanish. Right. We've never taken care of a three year old foster child. We don't have a wheelchair. So there were a lot of logistics involved, and that's why there was some hesitancy.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:25:56 to 00:26:06
So we knew our line. You have to know your lines. You have to have some boundaries. You've got to be brave enough to say what your family needs. Because we don't sacrifice our family on the altar of caring for other kids.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:26:06 to 00:26:25
And so for us, we just had to go. We're brave, we're bold, we're going to be willing. But we also know our limits, so we take one kid at a time. There are some amazing foster families that have twelve kids, and that's not the grace over our life. So knowing what your limits are and being bold to say them, for me, there's two things.
Cole (Guest) | 00:26:25 to 00:26:51
The first would be, I love what Krista just shared, which is like, Nyla is as in on this as we are. So Nyla, our five year old Nyla, is a big sister to all of these kids, right? So right now we have a little girl who's eight months in this morning, she made her laugh so loud and just makes her so happy. And if Nyla got to a place where we needed a season, where, hey, we're going to take a step back for Nyla, we're going to do that. Because it's not just like, Well, Nyla, you need to suck it up.
Cole (Guest) | 00:26:51 to 00:27:19
No, she's a part of our family, but Carissa has done such a great job, and I'd like to say I've helped create this culture in our home that Nyla just understands. We do this, and actually, Nyla can articulate we take care of babies until they can go back to their like, she just understands. So actually, she's on mission with us at five, and I'm hoping that she can actually internalize that for life. Yeah, we don't just drag her along. She's a part of the mission, and it's important for her to have vision for it.
Cole (Guest) | 00:27:19 to 00:27:40
The second thing I would say is start small. So I think, again, for a lot of people, there's a billion reasons why you shouldn't do this, but really there's one reason you should. And it's like, those kids are hurting. So for me, it's starting small with, like, I love a couple named Greg and Dana who are in our church, and they beg us, beg us to drop the baby off. Please just give us the baby for a night so you guys can go on a date.
Cole (Guest) | 00:27:40 to 00:27:59
And we're like, we're fine. They're literally just like, Let us help you. So right now, in their season of life, they're not able to full time foster, but they are like, we want to help you succeed. So a lady named Michelle in our church, same way, she just like, can I come over and do your dishes? Can I come to your laundry?
Cole (Guest) | 00:27:59 to 00:28:27
We're like, you're not going in our laundry room. But those little things are trying to help us succeed for the long term, and I think that all of us can do that. All of us can find a family. And maybe you're not able to do it full time right now, but no matter if you're single or married or ten kids or zero kids, you can help somebody else, and you got to start small until maybe God grows that heart in you. And I think that one day, if you do have that call, I think you have to just take the step, like she said.
Cole (Guest) | 00:28:28 to 00:29:09
Honestly, for us, if you wrestle with it over and over and over again, if you've been wrestling with it, that's from the Holy Spirit. Well, we'll make sure that we include all resources, how to take the next step and what those next steps are, and the show notes so that people can walk into that. And I love it. So with each interview, we're ending with a tool that you would give married people, and maybe even if we actually look at some marriages from one to ten years, a tool that you would give that you found helpful to you in your marriage that you could share. I think for us, this is a learned tool that's been a thread over our life and it's just to do the hard thing.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:29:09 to 00:29:42
And Colt did the hard work early on when our relationship needed it. We've done the hard thing to pursue kids that tend to be difficult and messy and things that are just hard. And I think for us that's a lens when we have to make a decision is that we're not afraid of the hard thing. We do the hard work for the sake of our marriage, for the sake of our family, for the sake of the gospel, for the sake of the kids broken and hurting in our community. We do the hard thing, but we trust that God gives us the grace to do it.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:29:42 to 00:29:54
So it's a lens we use to make a decision that we're not afraid of the hard thing. We pursue the hard thing, we embrace the hard thing. And we know that God uses the hard things in our life to write a beautiful story. I love that's. Amazing.
Cole (Guest) | 00:29:54 to 00:30:08
For me, it can be cliche, but it's so powerful. It's that my goal is to OutServe Carissa. And it's not because I love to do that. It's because I know I need to do that. Because I grew up in a family where you fend for yourself, moved around a lot.
Cole (Guest) | 00:30:08 to 00:30:23
I kind of had to make my own. So it's easy for me to just completely disconnect and be coal by myself. And I need to remember, no, I have one life. Like I said, I need to stop compartmentalizing and bring it all together. So for me, it's like I constantly evaluating.
Cole (Guest) | 00:30:23 to 00:30:42
I really want to go to the gym tomorrow morning at this time. Is that what's best for my family? Probably not. Okay, so I'm going to find a different space or I really don't want to clean the car today, but I know that if Krista gets in the car and it's clean now, the temptation for me is that I want it to be for a purpose. Some benefits at the end.
James (Host) | 00:30:43 to 00:30:51
There's nothing wrong with that. Be honest with that. Hey, we're not supporting that. I'm not into that. And Carissa is actually if it just.
Cole (Guest) | 00:30:52 to 00:31:06
Problem, Carissa sees through. I've never pulled the wool over her eyes ever. I've had to learn. So what it made me do was, well, fine, I'm not going to serve. And actually I had to go, no, I'm going to do it not for the benefit on the other side, but because I love my wife.
Karissa (Guest) | 00:31:06 to 00:31:22
I think that's an important marriage hack. I know, guys, the intentions are real, but for me, maybe this is more women. The giving to get is not a good approach. Not yet. It's never really worked in other areas, so it doesn't work for our marriage.
Cole (Guest) | 00:31:22 to 00:31:48
It does work on your side. Now, I will say giving just to give is a really attractive sexy isn't it sexy? It is. So I'm learning to give. Hey, I learned that probably 20 years ago that if I could lean into Lisa's love language and what she needed not to get, but just to give and to express love, things get taken care of.
James (Host) | 00:31:48 to 00:31:50
Yeah. That's all I'm saying.
James (Host) | 00:31:52 to 00:32:01
Hey, keep us we probably ought to wrap this up before it gets too crazy. Far gone. But thank you guys for being on the show. This is really amazing. Great content.
James (Host) | 00:32:01 to 00:32:19
And I know it's going to inspire other couples who want to live on mission in with their marriage. And you guys are an example of that. There are people that are right now newly married and wanting to find examples of like, how can we live out our married life healthy and strong? And you guys are a great example and you're crushing it. So thank you guys for being on the podcast today.
Cole (Guest) | 00:32:19 to 00:32:20
We're honored. Love you guys.