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For our second episode of Season 25, Holiday Road, we are taking a ride with Pick Six favorite Nicolas Cage as he escapes hell, hooks up with a salty waitress, and goes on the hunt for a chicken-fried cult leader in Drive Angry. There are Cage impressions, plenty of appreciation for Billy Fichts, and a look at just what makes a character actor – all in a new episode of Pick Six Movies!
Pick Six Movies is a movie podcast where each season we select six movies, all related to a single theme. We examine the history of the people in front of and behind the camera, try to make sense of how and why the movie was made, then discuss each one in way too much detail to see if they are any good.
Pick Six Movies is hosted by Bo Ransdell and Chad Cooper, two life-long friends with a shared passion for discussing things they barely understand in an attempt to make each other laugh.
Speaker 1: Music Plays And welcome to Pick Six Movies, a podcast about movies, six of them, to be more precise.
Speaker 1: But we're not gonna discuss all six movies on one episode.
Speaker 1: Haha, that's ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Instead, we pick a theme for each season, then on each episode of the podcast, we discuss one movie at a time to see if they're any good.
Speaker 1: Oh, and at the start of each episode we give you a bunch of behind-the-scenes fun facts on how and why the movie got made.
Speaker 1: Who is this we of which I speak?
Speaker 1: Well, it's my lifelong friend, mr Bo Randsdahl and, of course me, chad Cooper.
Speaker 1: This is season 25, and the theme is Holiday Road.
Speaker 1: Here we're tackling a half-dozen movie celebrating the great American tradition of the road trip.
Speaker 1: This is episode two of the aforementioned season 25, and we are welcoming back a podcast favorite Nicholas Cage's receding hairline and the Nicholas Cage upon which that receding hairline rests in a movie called Drive Angry.
Speaker 1: In this movie, nicholas Cage's receding hairline and the Nicholas Cage upon which that hairline rests drive a car and they brood and they get into fights and they hang out with Amber Herd and get chased by William Fichter and their Satanist and baby sacrifice in a case of extreme oral circumcision.
Speaker 1: This is definitely a pick made by my co-host, mr Bo Randstahl, as I do not partake in nor entertain such vulgarities in my normal day-to-day life.
Speaker 1: Speaking of my co-host, mr Bo Randsdahl, let's say we get him in here to lace a movie history on us before we get our motors running head out on the highway, start looking for adventure and whatever comes our way, because we're BORN TO BE WOOOOOAD.
Speaker 1: Well, get in here and do that thing you do.
Speaker 1: Hey, everybody in the booth, when you come in here, be careful that you don't step and walk.
Speaker 1: You get it, step and walk, i'll say.
Speaker 1: I'll say these are the jokes, son.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: There's a story Patton Oswalt tells about meeting character actor Brian Dennehy On the set of a film where both actors were working.
Speaker 2: Patton Oswalt bumps into Dennehy around the craft services table at a time when Oswalt was dieting, trying to look more Hollywood then.
Speaker 2: But in this moment his willpower broke and Oswalt started cramming food from the craft services table onto his plate and into his mouth, as Oswalt describes it, like an archangel.
Speaker 2: Dennehy approaches from behind, claps Oswalt on the back and says character actors, who gives a fuck if we're fat?
Speaker 2: While that's a pretty funny anecdote all its own, it gets to the heart of one of the great Hollywood traditions.
Speaker 2: There are movie stars, to be sure Tom Cruises, who will strap themselves to airplanes for the sake of a shot, or George Clooney, who has some sort of magnetism, a natural charisma that makes it almost impossible to look away from him on screen.
Speaker 2: These are the name above the title swords, the people whose name producers use to open a movie and lure other talent to their projects.
Speaker 2: They are the entrees, if you will, the main course.
Speaker 2: But what is any main course without an accompanying side worthy of the job?
Speaker 2: What is a three course meal with only one course, without the dessert, without the appetizer.
Speaker 2: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the realm of the character actor.
Speaker 2: So what is a character actor exactly?
Speaker 2: It's not a precise science like pornography.
Speaker 2: A character actor is something you know when you see it.
Speaker 2: They are often actors who specialize in eccentrics, memorable roles that serve in support of the main character and the plot.
Speaker 2: One of the first mentions of a character actor came in 1883 in a British weekly newspaper called The Stage, or maybe The Stodge, that covered the entertainment industry in 19th century England.
Speaker 2: The stage defined a character actor as, quote, one who portrays individualities and eccentricities.
Speaker 2: Even then, there were actors who specialized in a certain kind of role, the kinds of roles that were not meant for the stars or paved the way to stardom.
Speaker 2: But those same roles were often the ones audiences left the theater thinking about.
Speaker 2: Consider the case of William Schultz, an actor in Chicago.
Speaker 2: When he was a young man, he was involved in a horrible accident, one that left his face disfigured, but this would not deter the burgeoning actor.
Speaker 2: Instead, he used his reconstructed face as a selling point, not for stardom, but to land him roles in which he could menace and leer, making him one of the preeminent character actors of his day on the Chicago stage.
Speaker 2: And it's not just a disfigurement that can cause this kind of shift in the trajectory of an actor's career.
Speaker 2: There is also the ravages of time.
Speaker 2: For many, hollywood fame is a flash in the pan, a brief period in which they burn brightly and are then relegated to the title of character actor Like it's someone like Robert Duvall who first rose to fame in the 1960s and 1970s as a character actor.
Speaker 2: But his talent would thrust him into the limelight, beginning with his first appearance as Boo Radley and to kill a mockingbird.
Speaker 2: He would go on to play such defining roles as Tom Hagen from The Godfather or Lieutenant Colonel Kilgore from Apocalypse, now telling us how much he liked the smell of napalm in the morning.
Speaker 2: This undeniable talent would land him in starring roles like in Tender Mercies or Lonesome Dove.
Speaker 2: Yes, robert Duvall was undeniably a star, but not because of some singular talent or a particular look.
Speaker 2: He could kind of do everything, and so when his age pushed him out of those starring roles, he could transition easily back into that of character actor.
Speaker 2: He could headline independent films like The Apostle, and also appear in smaller but equally memorable performances in movies like Slingblade or Crazy Heart, making a movie better by his very presence.
Speaker 2: And character actors could also invest in themselves in ways movie stars didn't have to.
Speaker 2: They were dancers and acrobats, and stuntmen and musicians.
Speaker 2: Actors like Randall Tex Cobb could make a living by being perhaps not the greatest actor in the world, but their sheer physical presence could make them desirable for casting directors and filmmakers.
Speaker 2: Cobb appeared in Raising Arizona and Dixtown and Ace Ventura, a pet detective, always playing the role of a behemoth, often threatening, sometimes a gentle giant.
Speaker 2: He could act well enough to imbue his characters with the appropriate pathos, but it was his size people remembered.
Speaker 2: Even Old School Hollywood had its character actors.
Speaker 2: Margaret Hamilton was perhaps best known for playing the wicked witch of the West, but there were several such roles in her catalog, acting turns in which she played a prim and proper type, often judgmental and angry, leering down her prominent nose at the real stars of the scene.
Speaker 2: But in reality, margaret Hamilton was a former kindergarten teacher considered by everyone who worked with her as one of the genuinely kindest people they'd ever known.
Speaker 2: But as we see with both Cobb and Hamilton, it's not who you are, it's how you look.
Speaker 2: That can land you a place in cinema history.
Speaker 2: In Old Hollywood you could have a bug-eyed, small of stature type like Peter Lorre to act alongside real movie star Humphrey Bogart in the classic Casablanca, but if one were to look back now with a critical eye, it's Lorre who stands out as the real talent in that movie, while Bogart is a lump of potatoes with an unusual draw.
Speaker 2: Even in a commercial movie like Twister you can see Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton struggling to make something of the material, while Philip Seymour Hoffman god rest his chubby soul is dancing around the dialogue, making himself look like a star crammed into a crappy action movie.
Speaker 2: Even in his star roles, hoffman always had the feel of a character actor whose talent outshone that of those around him.
Speaker 2: Likewise, there are actors who simply do not conform to the standards of beauty, but who possess a talent that often outshines the actors with whom they were.
Speaker 2: Brian Dennehy, who we talked about at the beginning of this, often acted circles around those with whom he shared his scenes.
Speaker 2: He was a big guy, though, and so would never be a real star, at least not a movie star.
Speaker 2: In that same well-fed vote are actors like John Goodman, who made a living off playing the oversized best pal or brash friend, another actor who often put those around him to shame in his scenes.
Speaker 2: Or as co-star in Barton Fink, john Toturo, whose unique features would never make him a matinee idol but who breathed a quirky life into all of his characters.
Speaker 2: Same with Steve Buscemi, whose crooked teeth and nasally voice would be off-putting if he weren't so damn talented.
Speaker 2: Come to think of it, all those guys were Cohen Brothers regulars.
Speaker 2: It's almost like those directors assembled cast of great character actors rather than common movie stars.
Speaker 2: Maybe they were onto something, huh?
Speaker 2: And then there are the character actors who can truly do anything chameleons they are often called Actors who can slip into a role and disappear, becoming a character so memorable it is hard to remember that there is a familiar face there at all.
Speaker 2: In this case, let us consider Gary Oldman.
Speaker 2: While he is headlined many a movie, perhaps most memorably in Francis Ford Coppola's Dracula, and he's won awards for his starring roles.
Speaker 2: But it's because of this ability to disappear, to lose himself entirely in a part and become indistinguishable from the character, whether it's a drug-addicted psychopath on the trail of an assassin in The Professional, or as Dracula in the aforementioned Gothic romance, as Sid Vicious in Sid Nancy or as Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour, he was able to make himself unrecognizable and give himself over entirely to another persona.
Speaker 2: It's almost eerie how one can sink into another personality so entirely that there doesn't seem to be anything left.
Speaker 2: But it is that uncanny ability that makes Oldman one of the finest character actors in film history And we have a million character actors working today, far more than the small constellation of movie stars.
Speaker 2: Christopher Lloyd continues to portray weirdos like Doc Brown or Vester from the Addams Family, making a history of playing crazy all the way back to one flu over the Cuckoo's Nest.
Speaker 2: Doug Jones, with his lean frame and chameleon-like talent, is almost every monster or creature in every movie made these days capable of portraying emotion, even through the makeup and with a slender enough frame that he can fill out a rubber suit and still make it look otherworldly.
Speaker 2: And speaking of otherworldly, that brings us to a look at this episode's movie, the movie that answers the question what would happen if Nicolas Cage broke out of hell to drive really cool cars?
Speaker 2: You might even call it Gone to Hell in 60 Seconds or Raising Hellazona, but the filmmakers decided on the decidedly less fun Drive Angry.
Speaker 2: The script was the brainchild of writer Todd Farmer and writer-director Patrick Lucier.
Speaker 2: Farmer had made his bones in updated horror nonsense like Jason X, the Messengers and My Bloody Valentine 3D, a movie which proceeded Drive Angry by a few years, but it did make him familiar with the 3D vibe that Drive Angry would also embrace.
Speaker 2: His natural talent landed him the role of Frank the shitty boyfriend in this movie, or maybe it was because he wrote it and no one took this movie very seriously.
Speaker 2: You be the judge.
Speaker 2: Lucier is a Canadian who is also specialized in the kind of schlock that weirdos like me have seen, but I honestly couldn't tell you much about any of it.
Speaker 2: He wrote and directed Dracula 2000, that movie where Gerard Butler plays Dracula and there's a whole lot of scenes inside of Tower Records for some reason.
Speaker 2: And he also did the sequels, dracula 2, ascension and Dracula 3, legacy, which I've probably also seen but couldn't tell you anything about.
Speaker 2: He also directed and edited that My Bloody Valentine remake, which hooked him up with Todd Farmer in the first place, as well as Tom Atkins, which we'll get to in a minute.
Speaker 2: But he then dabbled in some television, like the Scream TV series, along with the television series adapted from The Purge movies.
Speaker 2: In many ways his career is a prime example of the good enough talent that keeps you working in genre films and TV, but he never broke through in any meaningful way.
Speaker 2: Interestingly, he was also on deck to make us equal to Rob Zombie's Halloween movies, but that was canned, likely due to how poorly received the second in that franchise was received.
Speaker 2: Once Lucia and Farmer had the movie on paver, with a definite plan to make this a 3D extravaganza, they began looking for their star.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage was starting his descent from the heights of the Rock and National Treasure fame, coming off some disappointments, like The Sorcerer's Apprentice, though it was his work on that film that had him wanting to suffer eye trauma.
Speaker 2: For some reason, both the producers of Sorcerer's Apprentice reminded him that that was supposed to be a mass-market film and so being shot in the eyes would probably be a bummer for the kids.
Speaker 2: When he found the script for Drive Angry, he had a few questions.
Speaker 2: One could his eye or eyes be damaged?
Speaker 2: Sure, the producer said, could he have his kids banned?
Speaker 2: do something on the soundtrack.
Speaker 1: Sure they said.
Speaker 2: And he did like the whole 3D angle plus.
Speaker 2: He's sort of a maniac who likes to do weird stuff on camera, so this all sounded like a very Cage kind of movie.
Speaker 2: Sure enough, Cage was in.
Speaker 2: Amber Hurd signed on as his co-pilot in the series of American muzzle cars that would carry them through the movie.
Speaker 2: She was a star in the making, a beautiful young woman who had done some turns on TV and then got some buzz for her role in a movie called All the Boys Love Mandy Lane, where she played the titular Mandy Lane.
Speaker 2: She would get some further notice when she played the hot neighbor who becomes a zombie at the beginning of the horror comedy Zombie Land.
Speaker 2: There was the remake of The Stepfather, a disappointing John Carpenter movie called The Ward, but in all of these Hurd was notable, if not extraordinary, and so when she signed on with Nick Cage in Drive Angry, it was a high-profile part for her and, by all accounts, one of the things she was most interested in was the character's potty mouth.
Speaker 2: Not sure what that says about her as a person, but there you go.
Speaker 2: The rest of the cast was filled out by some of the great character actors of modern time, as you might have guessed from the introduction, the accountant, the character pursuing Cage, is played by William Fickner, who has been seen in everything from The Perfect Storm to Pearl Harbor to Black Hawk Down.
Speaker 2: He has an unusual long face and a soft voice, a massive talent that makes him memorable in almost any role He can play your best buddy or a dastardly villain.
Speaker 2: In his presence, i would argue, makes this movie infinitely better.
Speaker 2: While not capturing the screen time of William Fickner, others equip themselves well David Morse, another character actor you might know from Contact or World War Z.
Speaker 2: He was the guy who pulled out his own teeth.
Speaker 2: He shows up to class up the joint.
Speaker 2: Tom Atkins is a B-movie stalwart who made the movie Night of the Creeps, which he sort of elevates to a minor masterpiece because of his performance and because of his eponymous mustache, which I love.
Speaker 2: There's also Pruitt Taylor-Vintz showing up for this one, aka the weird fat guy with the crazy eye you've seen in movies like Identity or Mississippi Burning or Constantine.
Speaker 2: And let's not forget Jack McGee, a guy who's been in everything from moneyball to basic instinct Lucia.
Speaker 2: May not be a great director or editor, but he sure as hell knows how to cast a movie.
Speaker 2: Anyways, this nonsense was all filmed in 3D with specially designed cameras, only to be foisted onto an unsuspecting public in February of 2011.
Speaker 2: You know, hit movie season for the box office February.
Speaker 2: Everybody knows that, so unsuspecting was the public they didn't even bother to show up which landed the movie in ninth place on its opening weekend behind such hits as Hall Pass and No Mio and Juliet.
Speaker 2: As a result, it landed a record for the lowest opening of any 3D film thus far, heralding the end of the heyday of 3D movies in the modern era.
Speaker 2: And while the audiences stayed away enough not to know what they were missing, critics couldn't say the same.
Speaker 2: What those critics did say was that this movie was such quote pure grindhouse, so committed to its own junkiness that it is, in its way, a pleasure to behold And fresh out of hell.
Speaker 2: Resident critic Roger Ebert said it was quote an exercise in deliberate vulgarity, gross excess and the pornography of violence, not to forget garden variety pornography.
Speaker 2: You get your money's worth.
Speaker 2: What can we get our money's worth out of this supernatural action car porn film?
Speaker 2: Only one person is able to answer that question.
Speaker 2: Let's get chatted here to rev the engines on this nature trail to hell.
Speaker 2: Ladies and gentlemen, accountants and waitresses.
Speaker 2: It's 2011's Drive Angel, and welcome back to yet another of Pixx Movies.
Speaker 2: I, as ever, am your host, bo, and with me, escaping my hellish prison, is one Chad Cooper.
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 2: Life is a highway.
Speaker 1: And I'm going to ride it all night long Like a bat out of hell, chad.
Speaker 2: This movie comes courtesy of one Nicolas Cage, patrick Lucier and William Fickner, aka Billy Fix.
Speaker 2: You had never seen tonight's movie Drive Angry.
Speaker 1: I'd never heard of it, i'd never seen it, i didn't know what it was, and you mentioned the title of this movie as episode.
Speaker 1: What are we two of this season?
Speaker 1: I thought it might be a pseudo sequel to Groundhog Day, but focusing on the Groundhog driving around that pickup truck disobeying Bill Murray's command to don't drive angry.
Speaker 2: Were you surprised not to see a Groundhog?
Speaker 1: Yes, but I was also surprised by every goddamn thing that happened in this movie, Because Bo I went into it knowing nothing.
Speaker 1: I figured this is one of those, Nicolas Cage, I got to pay some taxes or bills or buy a castle or some shit movie.
Speaker 1: I had no idea what was going on And it was Tabula Raza.
Speaker 1: It was one of the craziest damn things I've ever seen in my life.
Speaker 1: This is a terrible movie and an awesome movie at the same time.
Speaker 2: Well, it definitely thinks it's awesome.
Speaker 1: Let me just say you go back and you get a time machine right And you're not allowed to profit from it.
Speaker 2: Or Murder.
Speaker 1: Baby Hitler or any of those other things we've talked about.
Speaker 1: But if you could go back and take a copy of this and give it to 17 and 18 year old you and me watching it, it gets one of the greatest things ever.
Speaker 2: But it's horrible, but it's fantastic, but it's awful, it's definitely an attempt to recapture kind of a Grindhouse movie vibe.
Speaker 2: Yeah, i don't make movies like this anymore because drive-ins have mostly gone the way of the dodo and are mostly places that you take your kids in a cooler of lunch meat and beers, that you're hiding under the layers of Wonder Bread and Hot Dog Weaners and watch a double feature of Wreck-It Ralph 2 and Escape From Witch Mountain No, not the old one, the one with Dwayne The Rock Johnson.
Speaker 1: I used to have an old army jacket that I think I got at an army surplus store and the lining was ripped and I could hide 18 beers in that jacket to take into a movie theater.
Speaker 2: I remember this jacket.
Speaker 1: And I could also hide two foot long subway subs in the sleeves not just for me, like and this was like I was throwing a party.
Speaker 2: You were basically the booze wagon going into a movie theater, because I remember stocking that thing up.
Speaker 1: I like to think of myself as craft services.
Speaker 2: I suppose so Yeah and Drive-Inkery would have been a great movie, to have eaten a spicy Italian sub and had three Keystone lights.
Speaker 1: This is living man.
Speaker 2: Is he still fucking her?
Speaker 1: We would ask, let's just get into this because nobody who has seen this, like maybe a few weirdos that listen to our podcast and probably watch this movie Let's just make it happen, because this thing kicks off And at first I was like so we're in hell or Mordor, i don't know.
Speaker 1: They're scaffolding and fire and rocks and, i'm guessing, brimstone and people screaming in pain for doing bad shit on earth.
Speaker 2: According to the Bible, Let me ask you this.
Speaker 2: We're poised to jump in here.
Speaker 2: Would you recommend to someone who had not seen this movie?
Speaker 2: Should they see this movie?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Okay, you only have so much time on Planet Earth which makes me question a lot of the things that we do related to this podcast.
Speaker 1: It depends on who you are.
Speaker 1: I would say listen to this review and then go back and maybe watch it.
Speaker 1: It's bonkers, man, because you said it.
Speaker 1: It certainly has that grindhouse vibe.
Speaker 1: There are elements in this that reminded me of those.
Speaker 2: Rudy Ray Moore.
Speaker 2: I like Human Tornado Yeah.
Speaker 1: Human Tornado type films.
Speaker 1: There are things in it that are just so derivative of other movies.
Speaker 1: The dialogue at times certainly feels like it's trying to be a Tarantino movie and failing.
Speaker 1: There are references to Ghost Rider and Terminator 1 and 2, and at first the movie is being filmed in 3D.
Speaker 1: Then the filmmakers forget they're filming it in 3D until someone reminded them and they're like oh shit, yeah, that's right, this is a 3D movie.
Speaker 1: and then they put more 3D in it.
Speaker 2: This was definitely a hey, we're going to capitalize.
Speaker 2: I remember this being advertised as Drive Angry 3D.
Speaker 2: This was definitely a movie pitched, advertised, sold as hey, do you want to see some crazy 3D shit?
Speaker 2: We've got the movie for you.
Speaker 1: How come nobody has made a 3D movie that really embraces 3D as a form of visual storytelling?
Speaker 1: One movie that I didn't go see because it looked terrible, was what was that Robert Zemeckis movie?
Speaker 1: that was a remake of the documentary about the guy who did the tightrope walk.
Speaker 1: Man on Wire was the documentary, but then he made one with Joseph Gordon Levitt called Who Gives a Shit or something like that, the Walt movie or something like that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, something like that.
Speaker 1: But I'd heard it really was an interesting exploration of 3D to tell that story.
Speaker 1: But I'd already seen the fantastic documentary and I needed to see that.
Speaker 1: But I was like I could see in the hands of Zemeckis, who's a filmmaker that toys with emerging ways to leverage technology to visually tell a story, that that could be interesting, Maybe what James Cameron's Avatar films kind of sort of do that.
Speaker 1: But it really just feels like something that no one has explicitly come in and just bear hugged 3D, at least in modern cinema, to make a full-length feature film that really leads with a 3D rather than it just being a gimmick.
Speaker 2: I think James Cameron is what you're talking about here.
Speaker 2: Like that last Avatar 2 movie was one of the most technically jaw-dropping things I've ever seen And that used both 3D and high frame rate and all of that and it was remarkable.
Speaker 2: When did you go see that?
Speaker 2: I was very drunk, so it had to be a weekday.
Speaker 2: Do you remember what month?
Speaker 2: it was Whatever it came out.
Speaker 2: It was a week or two after it opened.
Speaker 1: So you just got out of the theater 15 minutes ago.
Speaker 1: That's right.
Speaker 1: The good news is I've dropped a lot of weight.
Speaker 1: That's definitely a movie I would go into with my army surplus jacket fully loaded.
Speaker 1: And this is all for me, people.
Speaker 2: But you know, I gotta say like not to turn this into a review of Avatar 2, the shape of water, whatever it was, Boy, if only somebody had fucked a fish man in that movie.
Speaker 1: It should have happened.
Speaker 2: I had zero interest in another Avatar movie and coming out of that movie.
Speaker 2: I was like I'd go see Avatar 3.
Speaker 1: So it did it's job.
Speaker 1: I still have zero interest in seeing Avatar 2 or 3 or 4 or 5.
Speaker 2: It's a spectacle movie like the first Avatar was, And I remember being blown away seeing that in the theater and I felt the same way seeing Avatar 2.
Speaker 2: I don't have any interest in seeing it at home but I had an absolute blast seeing it in really good projector.
Speaker 2: 3d had the high frame rate stuff, The RPX sound.
Speaker 2: I didn't do that.
Speaker 2: 4d bullshit That's for the birds.
Speaker 1: In that, where they like, spray you with water, and like somebody comes out and punches you when there's a fight on the screen.
Speaker 2: Yeah, i did that with that last Spider-Man movie, and every time he was swinging around the chair trying to throw me the fuck out.
Speaker 2: This is no good.
Speaker 2: This is not what I want out of a movie.
Speaker 2: I want a relaxing time, and now I need knee surgery.
Speaker 2: Did you see Drive Angry 3D in the theater?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no.
Speaker 2: I wish I had.
Speaker 2: I wish I'd been able to support it at the time Chad, but I came to it late.
Speaker 2: But now it's one of those movies when somebody says I need some bullshit to watch.
Speaker 2: That isn't going to make me think about anything And I'm probably going to be doing some kind of drug, probably a pill that I found in a medicine cabinet.
Speaker 1: I would recommend Human Tornado over Drive Angry.
Speaker 1: Why would you go for a pale imitation when you can go for original Grindhouse craziness?
Speaker 2: I'll tell you what Chad?
Speaker 2: it's because of Billy Fix.
Speaker 2: I think he is having a great time in this movie.
Speaker 2: I love every scene he is in.
Speaker 2: I think he is a terrific character actor and it's nice to see him in a movie that allows him to really let it fly.
Speaker 1: He's good in this, but I don't think he is as good as he should have been.
Speaker 1: Like I could never put my finger on what the hell his character was doing I gotta tell you about.
Speaker 1: I still don't know what happened in this movie, and I've watched it twice.
Speaker 1: Let's just get into it.
Speaker 1: So we start off in hell.
Speaker 1: We get some voice over from your buddy, william.
Speaker 2: Fix Truly Chad, the version of hell that you see on the Meatloaf album cover.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just jump ahead.
Speaker 2: Okay, yes, please.
Speaker 1: How this movie doesn't end with the aforementioned Bad Out of Hell is shocking.
Speaker 1: It ends with this song called Alive.
Speaker 1: That's sung by Mark Campbell And it's like, oh, that's Meatloaf.
Speaker 1: But then you listen a little close and you're like that's not Meatloaf, That's just a hell of a Meatloaf cover.
Speaker 1: Did you know that Mark Campbell was the guy who sang Johnny B Good for Michael J Foxin Back to the Future?
Speaker 1: I did not know that He did and he got no screen credit for the performance.
Speaker 1: But you know what he did get 1.5% of the sales of the soundtrack of Back to the Future.
Speaker 1: Oh well, that's not terrible, Dude.
Speaker 1: It was the only place you could get Huey Lewis singing Back in Time and Power of Love.
Speaker 1: That was the biggest selling soundtrack of 1985 by Mark Campbell.
Speaker 1: You did all right.
Speaker 2: Oh, Back in Time's a really good Huey Lewis song.
Speaker 1: Cause he didn't do it with the news.
Speaker 1: Uh-huh, and the power of love.
Speaker 1: Is this the 60s?
Speaker 2: Oh, 1999.
Speaker 2: See, that was when 1999 was in the Future Chat And it seemed like that would never come.
Speaker 1: Prince certainly felt that way, but then he died.
Speaker 2: Recently the school wear upon I teach.
Speaker 2: In the mornings they play music.
Speaker 1: And.
Speaker 2: I don't know who picks the playlist because it's all 80 shit that these kids don't care anything about.
Speaker 2: But one of the songs that came up was Purple Rain.
Speaker 1: Which.
Speaker 2: I mean all the time banger of a song.
Speaker 2: And when it was over I looked at one of the kids.
Speaker 2: This is before school, so there's only a couple of kids in the room.
Speaker 2: I looked at one of the kids and I said do you know the song Purple Rain?
Speaker 2: And he said I do not.
Speaker 2: And I said do you know who Prince is?
Speaker 2: And he said no, sir, i do not.
Speaker 2: And I said this is a fucking travesty.
Speaker 2: These kids are not being taught anything in class before they reach me.
Speaker 2: Because, if nothing else, you ought to know the rock musician who both fucked and led to more fucking than anyone else in the history of humankind.
Speaker 1: And where do you think they would learn that Second third grade?
Speaker 1: From me, apparently.
Speaker 2: And then his parents called and said look, it's clearly Marvin Gaye.
Speaker 2: And I was like you are a goddamn liar, it's Prince.
Speaker 2: Marvin Gaye fucked and he did lead to a lot of fucking.
Speaker 2: But Prince Darlin' Nikki alone is the cause of an entire generation of children.
Speaker 1: What are we talking about?
Speaker 1: Drive angry.
Speaker 1: Ok, so we're in hell again And we get some voiceover from William Thickner, AKA Butch Cavendish from The Lone Ranger.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, Mr Thickner.
Speaker 2: Armageddon Crash.
Speaker 2: He's been in so many movies.
Speaker 1: Contact.
Speaker 1: Remember when you saw Crash and you're like man, this movie kind of sucks.
Speaker 1: And at the end of the movie the moral of the film was everybody's racist And you're like, well, not everybody.
Speaker 1: And then now you find yourself looking at the news and you're like, hey, it turns out the movie Crash was right Everybody's racist everywhere.
Speaker 2: I find Crash to be a difficult movie because there are two movies called Crash, one of them kind of sucks And the other movie is that David Cronenberg movie where people get horny because a car crashes.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, that one's pretty wild.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good movie.
Speaker 1: Remember in Porky's when Kim Cottrell she got all horny when she smelled dirty guys' jockstraps and underwear and socks That was a weird thing.
Speaker 1: And then when you had sex with her she howled like a dog.
Speaker 1: I think men wrote that movie.
Speaker 2: Do you think Yeah?
Speaker 1: We're in hell again.
Speaker 2: Billy Ficks is giving us a little bit of voice over here.
Speaker 1: He's the devil's accountant Beau.
Speaker 1: Whatever that means or whatever that does.
Speaker 1: He looks like mayhem from those all state insurance commercials in this movie.
Speaker 2: Especially once he gets the cut under his eye.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really weird Yeah.
Speaker 2: He starts off by giving us this story about how there have always been prisons and there have always been bad ass motherfuckers who want to get out, but in the end, bad ass motherfuckers will always be accounted for.
Speaker 2: There's this Buick Riviera, because this movie loves cars.
Speaker 1: Oh yes.
Speaker 1: So this Buick Riviera makes a jump out of hell Sure And into the real world one presumes, okay, you wouldn't know that, because the movie never explains it, but that sounds good.
Speaker 2: Our first real world kind of situation is this place called Laughter, colorado.
Speaker 2: That's not a real place.
Speaker 2: by the way, like Bumfuck, egypt is not a real place.
Speaker 1: I looked it up I was like, is that a real place?
Speaker 1: And it's not.
Speaker 1: I was like, unless it's on Earth 2, which is a lot like Earth 1, except there Trump won a second term and Hillary Clinton is in prison and Biff Tannen is corrupt and powerful and married to your mother, and in which this has happened to me.
Speaker 1: I love all of the Back to the Future movies so much I can watch any Back to the Future any day of the week, any hour of the day There are going to be exactly 11 Back to the Future references in this episode, and your game, listeners, is to see if we can spot them all.
Speaker 2: Some of them will surprise you, but yeah, so there's this patchwork painted truck flying down this country road in Laughter, colorado and these three hillbillies inside.
Speaker 2: Oh my God, this guy's after us.
Speaker 1: He's supposed to be dead.
Speaker 1: Son of a bitch, give me a drink.
Speaker 2: This guy's got to make us pay, which is an actual line in the movie of this guy is going to make us pay.
Speaker 2: And even if, chad I was being tailed by someone who seemed determined to make me pay, I don't think that's how I would describe it.
Speaker 2: No, i wouldn't either.
Speaker 2: I would say he wants revenge, he's coming to get me.
Speaker 2: Never would I say he's going to make me pay.
Speaker 2: The payer has to say that line, not the payee.
Speaker 2: You're going to pay, right, i'm going to make you pay.
Speaker 2: Exactly Now you're going to make me pay.
Speaker 2: It's not how it works.
Speaker 2: That's not how the revenge business works.
Speaker 2: Chad.
Speaker 1: He's coming for escrow.
Speaker 1: He's coming for my reverse mortgage.
Speaker 1: The deposit is due fellas.
Speaker 2: He's coming for first months and last months rent.
Speaker 2: And then we see this Buick Riviera following this truck.
Speaker 1: Unless you're a car person, it's not that intuitive that this is the same car that jumped the bridge of hell to come back to the land of the living.
Speaker 1: It could be a different car, absolutely it could be, but it's the same car with Nicholas Cage in it.
Speaker 2: And so this Buick Riviera driven by Nicholas Cage will get to his hair in a moment, Boy will.
Speaker 2: We Pulls in front of this truck under some overpasses.
Speaker 1: Uh-huh.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage shoots the front of the truck.
Speaker 2: It then collides with the front of Nicholas Cage's car and goes ass over tea kettle up into the air.
Speaker 1: Like Nick Cage's car was bolted to the earth incapable of moving.
Speaker 1: It defies physics.
Speaker 2: It lands on its roof.
Speaker 2: Then we get our first look at Nicholas Cage Boy, do we?
Speaker 1: He's dressed all in black, of course, but this hairdo, all right, it's traditional receding hairline.
Speaker 1: Nick Cage, he's, he's past trying to trick us that he's got hair.
Speaker 2: Post.
Speaker 2: I'm going bald and pre-plugs It looks like a dog.
Speaker 1: The bounty hunter starter kit from the hair club for men.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if he went into a barber.
Speaker 2: It's a look, my hair is really going.
Speaker 2: Give me the dog.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that would be it.
Speaker 1: It's dyed blonde, but there's a good half inch to three quarters inch dark roots that have grown out.
Speaker 1: At first I thought this looks like Siegfried or Roy after a shower.
Speaker 1: I mean, it looks ridiculous It doesn't look finished.
Speaker 2: No, but it is like this is his hair in the movie.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he's decked all in black.
Speaker 2: got this crazy blonde do happening.
Speaker 2: And then he strolls over to the wreckage holding his shotgun, and there were three guys in the truck to begin with.
Speaker 2: Yes, so the first one climbs out and just runs at him.
Speaker 1: I'm going to pay.
Speaker 2: I'm going to pay Right And he's like I don't think so And then shoots off the dude's hand in 3D.
Speaker 1: This is when the movie remembers that it's in 3D And we get some heavy guitar like boon boon, boon, boon, boon, boon.
Speaker 2: Anytime somebody gets shot, anytime there's a car chase, anytime there's a scene that people shoot in each other.
Speaker 2: It is crotch rock as far as the eye can see.
Speaker 2: Boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, and it's that bluesy kind of heavy guitar.
Speaker 1: It's that lethal weapon where you use an instrument like it's Peter and the wolf to represent the character.
Speaker 1: Yes, he's the guitar, he's the saxophone, the fat guy's the tuba.
Speaker 1: Boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon.
Speaker 1: Stop it guys.
Speaker 1: Boon, boon, boon, boon, boon, boon.
Speaker 1: Knock it off.
Speaker 1: I'm just going to get some ice cream.
Speaker 1: Pfft.
Speaker 1: Boon, boon, boon, boon, boon.
Speaker 2: After shooting this dude's hand off, who goes down?
Speaker 2: He goes down after that.
Speaker 1: Well sure you shot off his hand.
Speaker 1: I'm, i'm, i'm, i'm.
Speaker 1: You pass out from the pain.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage then goes through this guy's pockets.
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: Tosses his phone, takes some cash out of his wallet.
Speaker 2: By the way, a Dixie flag chain wallet.
Speaker 1: I think any wallet that has the Confederate flag on it by law well, by law I mean Confederate Constitution has to have a chain attached to it to go to your denim jeans.
Speaker 2: You're going to be looked at poorly if you have just a regular Schmaggler wallet, god help you.
Speaker 2: If you have the Velcker wallet, you'll get run out of town on a rail, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: Then another dude comes out of this truck and he doesn't want any piece of Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 2: He just goes scurrying off like he's going to get away.
Speaker 2: But Nicholas Cage shoots that guy too, yes, murders him.
Speaker 2: Then he goes to the cab of the truck where there's a dude bleeding inside.
Speaker 1: I ain't never going to tell you where they taking her.
Speaker 1: I ain't never going to tell you Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 2: I know And then shoots this dude in cold blood after delivering his quib This is a very violent movie, by the way, God yeah.
Speaker 2: And so then Nicholas Cage goes back to the dude who he shot trying to scurry off.
Speaker 1: He shot him in the leg Right Just to like cripple him.
Speaker 2: Well, not cripple him, kill him slowly And you get to see the results of this gunshot to his knees and it's a real mess Chad.
Speaker 2: Oh yes, at that point he starts to question this guy.
Speaker 1: He says where's my baby girl?
Speaker 1: And the guy just shouts out I don't know.
Speaker 1: And then, about this time, that one handed redneck who got his hand blowed off, he stands up and then Nicholas Cage shoots that guy in the chest and kills him.
Speaker 1: And then this one legged guy with hamburger from the thigh down he just shouts out okay, okay, still water.
Speaker 1: They took her to Deakin Street, still water marsh.
Speaker 1: But you're too late, because the first full moon and she's dead.
Speaker 1: Hell's gonna walk to motherfucking earth.
Speaker 1: And this movie is also filled with unnecessary profanity.
Speaker 1: I think, every character in this movie uses profanity.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, and Amber Heard, who we'll get to in a minute, may be the biggest offender here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, nicholas Cage says I want you to tell him that hell is already walking the earth and I'm coming to get her back.
Speaker 1: You tell him I'm coming back to get her.
Speaker 1: You tell him I think he's a damn fool.
Speaker 1: You tell him I said so, hi McDonough, and if he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me at the Maricopa County maximum security correctional facility for men.
Speaker 1: Whee, there's a little Raising Arizona in this.
Speaker 2: Well, I was gonna say a very little bit.
Speaker 2: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: It's about a dude going to get a baby that people stole from him.
Speaker 1: No, you're right.
Speaker 1: You're right.
Speaker 1: There is absolutely some subreddit out there with some jackass who really has a detailed theory that this is an unofficial sequel to Raising Arizona and Ghost Rider because they share the same universe, or some shit like that.
Speaker 2: The HI McDonough died, went to hell because he was stealing babies, so obviously he would.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage is walking away, does one of those slow motion shots where he takes a shotgun, fires it at the ground where there's a gas slick that leads to the truck, and then, as the truck explodes behind him and he's doing the hero, walk away from the explosion.
Speaker 2: We get the title in 3D Drive.
Speaker 1: Angry.
Speaker 1: It's shown to you in 3D, the same way that the title for Jaws 3D was in 3D, or Friday the 13th, part Three was in 3D.
Speaker 1: I mean, it's a real coming at ya.
Speaker 1: If you didn't know, this movie was in 3D.
Speaker 1: if you didn't know, even though 3D was a thing, you see this title and you're like, oh, this was shot in 3D.
Speaker 2: You've never seen a movie before.
Speaker 2: How do you know that's 3D?
Speaker 2: I don't know just something about this.
Speaker 1: How does a bird know how to build a fucking nest?
Speaker 1: You just know.
Speaker 2: How did the Swallows return to Capistrano?
Speaker 1: And then the title song Raise a Little Hell begins by Canadian rock band Trooper.
Speaker 1: This movie also uses special effects in ways that I found to be somewhat off-putting, cause there are moments where people get shot it's just CGI And there are scenes where they're driving in the car, and maybe this is a throwback to the old Grindhouse movies, but I mean it looks like an episode of the Dukes of Hazard with rear projection screens.
Speaker 1: Sometimes it just looks cheap, but maybe that's on purpose, or maybe that's cause they had no budget, or maybe that's the charm of the film.
Speaker 1: Maybe that's what makes it awesome and suck at the same time.
Speaker 2: It's really tough to unwrap that, because if it looked better, it would somehow be shittier.
Speaker 2: It's a real pickle.
Speaker 1: We cut to Fat Lou's Roadside Diner, which is proudly flying an American flag outside The signage on the outside of this building.
Speaker 1: It looks like it was tacked up for the movie And it's strange because the word roadside feels like an afterthought, like it was lodged in between Lou's and Diner, as though someone realized that Fat Lou's Diner was a registered trademark.
Speaker 1: And they're like dude, we don't wanna get sued, we don't have getting sued money, though something else in there.
Speaker 1: so they put roadside.
Speaker 1: And here we meet Amber Heard's character.
Speaker 1: Yes, i don't even write down her character's name, i don't even know what it is, it's just Amber Heard.
Speaker 1: And I gotta tell you both, i never knew what an Amber Heard was or who she was.
Speaker 1: I've never seen her in anything, except for footage from that Johnny Depp trial where it turns out she's shit in the bed.
Speaker 1: And then someone reminded me that I saw that Aquaman movie, but I didn't even know she was in that PU.
Speaker 1: That movie was a stinker.
Speaker 2: That movie was a stinker and it had an octopus playing a drum and that was stupid.
Speaker 1: You think on that same sub-raddit there's continuing conversation that that's like she played the grown-up version of Little Mermaid.
Speaker 1: Probably That's what happened to Ariel.
Speaker 1: You know Classic Ariel, not that Bud Light Ariel that you see now Wake up Target.
Speaker 1: Hey, did you see that the anti-woke mob went after Cracker Barrel this week Because they posted a picture of a rocking chair with the wooden slats and rainbow colors for Pride Month?
Speaker 1: No, god damn it, cracker Barrel.
Speaker 2: Woke.
Speaker 2: You know, if I rock in that chair I'm gonna want to suck a cock now.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be gay if I go to the Cracker Barrel.
Speaker 2: That is the thing that makes me lose my mind about that stuff, because the gay panic is coming from the only people on earth that every time you scratch the surface, they're doing some incredibly gay shit.
Speaker 2: It's never the people who are like you know what.
Speaker 2: We should respect our homosexual brothers and sisters in the world.
Speaker 2: Those aren't the people that get caught tapping feet under the rest stop bathroom stall or, you know, trying to fuck one of their assistants or interns on Capitol Hill.
Speaker 2: It's always somebody that's like I hate the gays.
Speaker 2: It's like, well, that's just because you love cock.
Speaker 1: Gay sex is twice as manly as heterosexual sex.
Speaker 1: Gay male sex Yes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just math For two females.
Speaker 1: I think it's still more manly.
Speaker 2: You're probably right, i saw blue as the warmest color.
Speaker 2: I know how that works.
Speaker 2: That's a good movie.
Speaker 2: So Amber Heard is in this roadside diner talking about her boyfriend because she has employed a somewhat Greek strategy to get married, which is I told him I was going to cut him off until he gave me a ring.
Speaker 1: She says I told him no more milk, You going to have to buy the cow.
Speaker 1: you, son of a bitch.
Speaker 1: Did she pick that up from the Georgia Satellites Ballad?
Speaker 1: Keep your hands to yourself.
Speaker 1: I think it was written about her.
Speaker 1: You think so?
Speaker 1: Her co-waitress in this is played by Katie Mixon, star of ABC sitcom American Housewife, and she's particularly confused by the free milk and a cow story.
Speaker 1: So Amber Heard explains to her waitress friend I told him he has to marry me.
Speaker 1: Okay, we got it.
Speaker 1: And also in this diner there's a big neon sign hanging up saying that they proudly only serve Pepsi products.
Speaker 1: That's when you know you made your first mistake, when they only serve Pepsi.
Speaker 2: We only have RC.
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: How is it that you go into an establishment and they're like we only have Coke products or Pepsi products?
Speaker 1: I don't go into a bar and it's like we just have InBev products or Miller products or something.
Speaker 1: It's a big soda man, it's.
Speaker 2: Miller light or Bud Light.
Speaker 2: You don't get both in this establishment.
Speaker 1: I want the one that makes me less gay.
Speaker 2: If you're drinking light beer, I think that's pretty much a wash.
Speaker 1: Do you remember because I don't want to talk about this movie we're on Mr Show when Bob Odenkirk played a dad I forget who plays his wife, and David crosses their son and they come in and break the news to him that he's gay And he's like no, i'm not gay.
Speaker 1: And they're like son, it's okay, you're gay.
Speaker 1: And he's like no, i'm not.
Speaker 1: And Bob Odenkirk screams out no, gay son of mine is not going to be gay.
Speaker 1: And then he brings in Brian Possein who's wearing knee pads and like a tight tank top and cut off shorts.
Speaker 1: He's like get there and gay him up.
Speaker 2: I do not remember this.
Speaker 1: It's such a great sketch of just the concept of parents coming out to the son that he's gay.
Speaker 2: That's like the old David Krolls joke about raising a child Amish, I don't remember this.
Speaker 2: He talks about like sending his kid up to bed when the sun goes down and the kids like how come you get to stay up and watch TV and play video games?
Speaker 1: and I can't stay up and watch TV and play video games.
Speaker 2: Well, baby, that's because you're Amish.
Speaker 1: Mommy and daddy aren't.
Speaker 2: So anyway, ever heard says that her ploy has worked.
Speaker 2: It totally worked.
Speaker 2: Katie mixing, I cut him off.
Speaker 1: No tits, no ass.
Speaker 1: I told him that if I see that big old dick in my face again, i'm going to buy it in half, which I just realized.
Speaker 1: Bo, that's foreshadowing in our movie.
Speaker 1: You know what It?
Speaker 2: is.
Speaker 2: I didn't think about that, but sure enough.
Speaker 1: This fellow sounds like a real dream boat, bo, with his big old dick and how he sticks it in her face and how she's going to bite it in half.
Speaker 1: She says it's been two days, but that's like a decade in horny fucker years.
Speaker 1: This is dialogue in this movie.
Speaker 1: Bo, an adult wrote this down, other adults read it, memorized it, and then other adults operated cameras and audio equipment to record that middle adult repeating the words that the first adult wrote down, which also how much sex are they having?
Speaker 1: that two days is meaningful abstinence.
Speaker 1: Well, that's just a good, healthy relationship, chad, i guess maybe I need to reassess what I consider a good, healthy relationship to be.
Speaker 1: She does go on to say hey, didn't Bobby a diamond ring because he ain't got no money And if he did, I would jack it and I would leave him.
Speaker 1: But he did get down on one knee and proposed to me He did what.
Speaker 1: This guy is so horned up that he's willing to propose to this woman after two days without sex.
Speaker 2: He's making a lot of good decisions.
Speaker 2: He's what they call come drunk Chad.
Speaker 1: Fat Lou, the owner of this establishment, who is also the cook in this place.
Speaker 1: He throws up a plate of eggs in the window and he yells out Hey, pickup, you think I pay you bitches to stand around?
Speaker 1: and yet get the fuck back to work And he spits on the ground.
Speaker 1: It's an open kitchen.
Speaker 1: All of the patrons can see this man spitting and sweating on their food.
Speaker 1: There are numerous health violations occurring just in the eight seconds of screen time that we've seen him.
Speaker 2: He is very red-faced as well.
Speaker 2: He looks like a dude who is either coming off of a bender or has the kind of disease that they'll ultimately name after him.
Speaker 1: How insane is it that they only play people who wait tables?
Speaker 1: $2 and 13 cents an hour still, that's what it was like 25 years ago when I waited tables In most states.
Speaker 1: That's what they get paid.
Speaker 1: Tip your servers, they're not making any money.
Speaker 1: Also, tip your podcast hosts Yeah give us some money.
Speaker 2: We have never asked for a thin dime out of our listeners to invest in my knowledge So now I'm going to ask send us your money, not some money, all of it.
Speaker 2: Send us all of your money.
Speaker 2: Let us know what your bills are every month and we'll keep the rest.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard takes an order from this table and it's a mom, a dad and a daughter And I didn't realize this at first, but they are Native Americans According to the credits of this film and they ordered the Brick House breakfast, which is just pancakes and it costs 4.99.
Speaker 1: And then they ordered three waters and that's it.
Speaker 1: And the mom looks all embarrassed and the daughter's all sad and you're like, oh, they're poor.
Speaker 2: But Amber heard because she's a good heart and all is like don't y'all worry, I'll bring y'all some fucking orange juice and some muffins and shit.
Speaker 1: And then Katie makes it the other way through.
Speaker 1: She walks over and Nicholas Cage is sitting at a corner booth and she walks up and she's like what can I get you hon?
Speaker 2: And he says coffee, black sugar.
Speaker 1: Have you ever heard of still water, marsh or deacon's tree?
Speaker 1: Maybe it's in Texas?
Speaker 1: Yeah, i've heard still water, but ain't Texas, it's in Louisiana and it's prison and it's closed.
Speaker 1: Now That's where the finale of this movie is going to take place, i suspect.
Speaker 1: Let me get you some coffee, hon.
Speaker 2: My daddy did a turn there.
Speaker 1: Then it cuts over to Amber Heard, who comes back to the family and she says hey, y'all, here's some muffins and a glass of warm milk.
Speaker 1: It's on the house, seeing as y'all look poor, and all a glass of warm milk.
Speaker 1: I don't think that that was worn by choice.
Speaker 1: My guess is that the refrigerator is now a home for raccoons and they just keep their milk on the ground and cool wet sacks.
Speaker 2: I got y'all a glass of warm milk and also here's some cottage cheese that's about to turn.
Speaker 2: Y'all going to want to pick the mouse turds out of that.
Speaker 2: Those ain't raisins.
Speaker 1: Now I've also got this little mesh sack.
Speaker 1: This might be potatoes, it might be turnips or it might be oversized rat turds.
Speaker 2: It's definitely a tuber, because you can see that the roots are starting to grow out of it again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, just put some honey butter on it, you're going to be just fine.
Speaker 1: Okay, thank you.
Speaker 2: Katie Mixon is back at Nicholas Cage's table and is like, hey, are y'all going to ask when my shift ends?
Speaker 1: I always get a little bit randy when there's a full moon and I was like what is going on?
Speaker 1: Is she a prostitute Masquerading as a waitress to market her day job?
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage says you're full of shit.
Speaker 2: The full moon is two days off.
Speaker 1: Is it or isn't it?
Speaker 1: He says I'm pretty sure Seems like that's a real important detail to our movie.
Speaker 2: You know he busted out of hell.
Speaker 2: He's been chasing down people and shooting them.
Speaker 2: It's hard to keep track of time in that scenario.
Speaker 2: You'd be surprised how the guilt of murder weighs down on you and makes time get a little weird.
Speaker 1: It's like when you're in solitary for a long period of time and days suddenly become like 38 hours, like that's our natural rhythm and clock.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's not 24.
Speaker 2: It's just like solitary confinement, Chad I think both of us can speak to that.
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage reaches up and he interlaces his fingers with Katie Mixon And it's like they're playing.
Speaker 1: Here's the church, here's the steeple.
Speaker 1: And he says outside the window, is that your Dodge Charger?
Speaker 1: And Katie Mixon says now, that belongs to Amber Heard, but if you're looking for a ride, my vagina is wide open.
Speaker 1: And he just grabs this woman by her throat, pulls her down to his face and then violently starts kissing her.
Speaker 1: It's the kind of thing you normally hear people talking about when they're on one of those access Hollywood buses with Billy Bush.
Speaker 2: This is one of those.
Speaker 2: The movie thinks it's cooler than it is, moments Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: Because after this decidedly lewd kiss in the middle of this diner, he pushes her head away but keeps it close, brings up his cup of coffee between them, takes a sip and says I thought I said I wanted.
Speaker 1: Chugger.
Speaker 1: Well, it's on the table, hon.
Speaker 1: That's how this shit works.
Speaker 1: I don't put it in there for you.
Speaker 1: Here's your gum.
Speaker 1: You left it in my mouth.
Speaker 2: Thank you very much Back in Amber Heardland, the owner of this place, who is a walking venereal disease.
Speaker 1: He's that guy from Scrooge who was barely looking at them nipples when the solid gold dancers were jumping around.
Speaker 2: You can barely see them.
Speaker 2: nipples See, he can barely see those nipples.
Speaker 1: I think he's really looking.
Speaker 2: He looks like a pimple came to life, but not one that's ready to pop yet, like there's no whitehead, it's just the red sore part of it.
Speaker 1: You wonder if there might be a hair under there like an ingrown.
Speaker 1: You're like, I don't know.
Speaker 1: Oh, this is going to be a three, four day air.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm going to have to go with that Dr Pimple pop of there.
Speaker 1: She's going to pop my whole body.
Speaker 1: Who is watching that show?
Speaker 2: Dude, i got to tell you there was a day you can stop that.
Speaker 2: Me and my lady friend at the time.
Speaker 2: She was like have you ever watched this show?
Speaker 2: And I said pretty much what you said, like no, that sounds horrifying.
Speaker 2: And she said you should watch this.
Speaker 2: And we watch like five episodes in a row.
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear about it.
Speaker 1: It sounds awful and I'm sure that it was.
Speaker 2: It was disgusting, Anyway.
Speaker 2: So this Pimple of a man is like hey, I picked you a living wage, by which I mean two, 13 an hour.
Speaker 2: What are you doing?
Speaker 2: going and handing away all of my goods, all my muffins, my rotten milk and my bag of rat turds, that lukewarm pat of butter that I had in there.
Speaker 2: And he kind of pats her on the ass and she turns around and grabs him by the dick and says I thought I told you never to touch me that way.
Speaker 2: Then she just quit She's like I fucking quit and walks out.
Speaker 2: And as she storms out, the other horny waitress looks over and sees that Nicholas Cage is now no longer in the booth.
Speaker 2: Also, by the way, there is a guy that was in the diner looking suspicious, who left moments before.
Speaker 1: I watched this movie twice and didn't really recognize that that guy was suspicious and would show up later.
Speaker 1: Until halfway through the second viewing I was like, oh, that's that guy, amber Heard, walks out the front door of this place and magically has performed a quick change into cowboy boots cut off jeans and a long sleeve, gray, low cut top with a hole conveniently right around the tit.
Speaker 1: She jumps in her car and squeals out of the parking lot, where we see that her license plate reads DRV AGRY, which is license plate.
Speaker 1: speak for Dr Vagri.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a really unclear custom plate.
Speaker 2: It's not a great one.
Speaker 1: Then there's also a bumper sticker that says I break for pussy and four is the number four, and one assumes this is an ASPCA license product, reminding you to keep an eye open for cats crossing the road.
Speaker 2: I think the idea here is that this is her boyfriend slash fiance's car and it was him Stone Cold.
Speaker 2: Steve Boyfriend, it was he that put on the bumper sticker that he is the one who breaks for pussy, not Amber Heard.
Speaker 1: As she recklessly drives off, she almost hits multiple cars that are obeying the agreed upon rules of the road.
Speaker 1: And then Amber Heard as she's driving down the road, she starts singing along to the unforgettable hit song Fuck the Pain Away by Canadian electro clash musician Peaches.
Speaker 1: That song, of course, was on her debut album, the Teaches of Peaches, which was followed by her sophomore outing Fatherfucker, which of course led the way to impeach my bush.
Speaker 1: I Feel Cream and the biographical film Peaches does herself.
Speaker 2: I like that.
Speaker 2: Amber Heard knows the lyrics well and is really into this.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: knows?
Speaker 1: This is like she's singing Happy Birthday.
Speaker 1: She's just going Fuck the Pain Away, doop, doop, fuck the Pain Away, doot, doot.
Speaker 1: It's really just kind of an R rated version of the Fragile Rock theme.
Speaker 1: Fuck the Pain Away, worries for another day.
Speaker 1: Fuck the pain away Down at battler's diner.
Speaker 2: Anyway, she's listening to that old classic and then smoke starts billowing from under the hood and has to pull over.
Speaker 1: You know she used some swear words We just don't remember.
Speaker 1: She's like a female Yosemite Sam.
Speaker 1: but you take all that resin-frazin that Yosemite used to spout off and you just replace it with a Samuel Jackson sizzle reel.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage comes along in the nick of time, chad, he pops the hood.
Speaker 2: Hey, i think I can fix that if you can give me a left.
Speaker 1: She's not shocked at all.
Speaker 1: He straight up, looks like a dude who just drifts from a homeless camp to homeless camp, murdering when needed, and she's like can you all fix my car here?
Speaker 1: He's like I can fix it and you can give me a left.
Speaker 2: It takes him about what?
Speaker 2: a second and a half, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: It's like Samantha from BeWitch.
Speaker 1: He's like think you'll think it's fixed If your Amber heard.
Speaker 2: The first thing that ought to be going through your head is you fucked up my car.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he did this so that he could stage this whole roadside assistance thing.
Speaker 2: And as they get in, she says you know, i don't normally don't pick up hitchhackers.
Speaker 1: And he says well, that's fine, because my thumb wasn't out.
Speaker 1: We cut to William Fickner, appearing in our movie, at least physically, for the first time.
Speaker 1: He comes walking out of the woods from Miller's Crossing wearing this black suit, white shirt and a purple tie.
Speaker 1: He wanders over to Fat Ludes Roadside Diner and William Fickner helps Katie Dixon put some trash into the dumpster as Fat Ludes is getting into his car and William Fickner shouts out you, fat fuck, come here.
Speaker 1: And Lou is like what did you say to me?
Speaker 1: He's real incensed that he called him Fat Fuck.
Speaker 1: People call you Fat Lou all the time.
Speaker 1: You're fat.
Speaker 1: Did Fat Fuck cross a line that really?
Speaker 2: pushes a button in you In one of my two favorites Billy Fix moments in the movie.
Speaker 2: He says I called you Fat.
Speaker 2: Fuck, come over here or it will be dead fat.
Speaker 2: And then he looks at Katie mixing and goes fuck And she is into it, chad.
Speaker 1: Cause she's a prostitute.
Speaker 1: She's like I'm going to get a hundred bucks off this guy.
Speaker 2: He says I'm looking for Nicholas Cage and I am the accountant, and the fat guy is like is that supposed to mean something?
Speaker 2: And Billy Fix says well, it would if you were in my books.
Speaker 2: And then he does this weird like sniff around.
Speaker 1: Does that mean that Fat Lou is going to go to heaven when he dies?
Speaker 1: Is he lived a good life?
Speaker 2: I think the idea, because there's a point where Nicholas Cage refers to Billy Fix as Anubis.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but he also calls him Loki and Modak.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think the idea is that he is not necessarily representative of hell per se.
Speaker 2: It's more that he is one of the people that helps judge.
Speaker 2: So I don't think if he sees you, you're automatically going to hell.
Speaker 1: Well, he knows that one of those two stoner teenagers that's in their 30s, one of them, is going to die in a few weeks and go to hell.
Speaker 2: I'm still not convinced.
Speaker 2: It means that kid is going to go to hell.
Speaker 1: I think Fat Lou is going to repent on his deathbed and claim Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, or maybe Buddha.
Speaker 1: Is that how it works?
Speaker 1: That's what they tell me whenever I'm down on that street corner and that preacher's yelling.
Speaker 1: So Billy Fix sniffs around a minute waving his let's go Brandon flag.
Speaker 1: It's got to know something, right.
Speaker 2: He says ah he was here, you sexy waitress that I think might be a prostitute.
Speaker 2: Which way did he go?
Speaker 2: She points in the general direction of West or something, yeah.
Speaker 2: And he's like, ah yes, he left on foot, i will also go after him on foot.
Speaker 2: And so he does.
Speaker 2: He just kind of struggles off.
Speaker 2: Look, billy Fickner is not in this movie nearly enough, but when he is he's great.
Speaker 1: I think that the movie should have been told from his point of view, and I would have found it much more entertaining.
Speaker 1: You would have missed some weird shit, but you probably would have seen some weird shit that we don't know about.
Speaker 2: That's a real Robert Frost Rueless traveled moment.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard takes Nicholas Cage to Laura's hideaway, which is kind of like a trailer park living community or something.
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage thanks Amber Heard for the ride and he's like are you okay?
Speaker 1: And Amber Heard says well, i quit my job.
Speaker 1: My old man's got no money and we just got engaged.
Speaker 1: Plus, it's been almost two days since we bumped uglies And since you asked yeah, my old man is a good man and I refer to him as a son of a bitch, and I threatened to bite off his dick, but I could do worse.
Speaker 1: And Nicholas Cage is like all right, well, I'll see you later.
Speaker 2: That sounds like a real fucking mess.
Speaker 2: I'll see you down the road.
Speaker 1: And at this point I'm still 100% unclear what's going on in this movie at all.
Speaker 1: I felt that way until really the very end.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard walks into her trailer house and catches her boyfriend having sex with a fully nude brunette woman, And Amber Heard she's none too happy about, So she grabs this woman by her hair and just drags this naked lady outside and throws her to the ground.
Speaker 1: This brunette woman gets up and Amber Heard punches this lady in the face with the force and sound effects normally reserved for an Indiana Jones movie.
Speaker 2: When she gets up, Amber Heard just kind of shrugs and pulls a revolver out to shoot her.
Speaker 1: The woman who Amber Heard beats up is played by actress Christina Campbell, who went on to co-found the production company Campbell Grobman Films, A production company responsible for Texas Chainsaw 3D, the Hitman's Bodyguard and that movie's sequel, The Leatherface movie, and the 2019 reboot of Hellboy Rambo Last Stand and numerous other movies.
Speaker 1: So good for her.
Speaker 2: Yeah, she bounced around B-movies for a long time until she realized.
Speaker 1: That's not how you're going to make any scratch Right.
Speaker 2: She was also the woman who showed off her tits in 2001 Maniacs.
Speaker 2: she was the woman who showed off her tits in Spiders 3D.
Speaker 2: That's kind of what she was known for, like you said.
Speaker 2: good for her that she was like hey, this is not how I'm going to be successful.
Speaker 1: I could definitely shoot those nipples, and I was definitely looking.
Speaker 2: Speaking of looking, there's this fat guy walking by in American flag shirts and shorts clicking a picture with this phone of this knocked out naked woman.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard knocks her out Like unconscious and this guy snaps a few pictures, clearly abiding by the trailer park code.
Speaker 1: See something Say nothing.
Speaker 2: While that's going on, in the background, nicholas Cage opens up some kind of wooden hell box.
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: Where we see for the first time a gun and you know that it's a serious gun because we get some good guitar like Bawr bawr, bawr, bawr, bawr.
Speaker 1: It's got an ivory handle.
Speaker 1: It's this godkiller gun Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1: You can use it to kill spooks and demons and ghosts or whatever nonsense this movie's going to throw at us.
Speaker 2: He sees the guy from the diner that was kind of hanging out looking suspicious.
Speaker 1: He's sitting in a car looking at Nicholas Cage and then Nicholas Cage fingerbangs the guy.
Speaker 1: Not like fingerbanging, like he makes a gun with his fingers and kind of goes bang.
Speaker 2: He's not violating him Not junior year fingerbanging.
Speaker 1: Right, this is like six year old fingerbanging.
Speaker 1: You know what.
Speaker 1: We're getting into vacation territory now, so I'm just going to step away.
Speaker 1: So Amber Heard then storms out while her boyfriend follows behind.
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, the fat guy is trying to make a little time with this naked lady.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and good for him seeing an opportunity, at least going for it.
Speaker 1: Hey, you look like that prostitute waitress, but she ain't got no clothes on.
Speaker 1: But Amber Heard, she snatches the guy's phone that he took pictures with and throws it to the ground.
Speaker 1: I don't know whose side she's on.
Speaker 2: She ends up getting in this verbal fight, originally with her boyfriend, slash fiance.
Speaker 2: Stone cold, steve Boyfriend And then comes to blows, where she starts punching the shit out of him.
Speaker 2: He punches her right back.
Speaker 1: It's a shot for shot remake of Indiana Jones fighting that mechanic from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Speaker 2: Up to and including the fact that there is a World War II era plane slowly taxing.
Speaker 2: But she ends up on the ground covered in blood.
Speaker 2: She has spit blood onto his face.
Speaker 2: Mm, hmm.
Speaker 2: And then she says that's fine, i'll tell you what.
Speaker 2: I'm going to tell everybody what you did with my pink dildo.
Speaker 2: What do you think he did with it?
Speaker 2: It went up his ass.
Speaker 2: That's, of course, what happened with it.
Speaker 1: I was wondering if it was even weirder than that.
Speaker 2: What do you think happened?
Speaker 2: Now I'm curious.
Speaker 2: I know where it went.
Speaker 1: I don't know, like maybe he dressed it up in Barbie clothes or something and did little plays with it with fruits and vegetables.
Speaker 2: Have you ever seen a dick pic?
Speaker 2: No, i have Chad, and when I do it, i dress up my dick like a little puppet.
Speaker 2: I try to stage a scene like with a little cowboy hat and these like tiny tumbleweeds make it sort of like a showdown kind of look or a construction worker And I put the little googly eyes on the tip.
Speaker 2: People really like it, Chad.
Speaker 1: Do you ever dress it up like Bert from Mary Poppins because it was dick Van Dyke?
Speaker 2: Uh-huh, i get it.
Speaker 2: No, but I do dress it up like the dad from Eight is Enough and I call it dick Van Dyken.
Speaker 2: Oh my God, i'm just saying if you ever do set a dick pic and I recommend that you do that you put a little arts and crafts into it.
Speaker 2: Anybody can just be like oh, here's my dick.
Speaker 2: It takes a real man, chad Right, to be like here's my dick, recreating the horrifying bombing of Nagasaki, where you could just see the silhouette of my dick on a brick wall after the bombing.
Speaker 1: It's good to have hobbies, bro.
Speaker 1: You know it keeps me off the streets, And when you say you sent it to someone, you mean like the White House.
Speaker 2: I sent it to my last employer.
Speaker 2: I quit See what you gave up.
Speaker 2: See the kind of talent that I had.
Speaker 1: As Amber Heard and Stone Cold Steve Boyfriend are beating each other up and Stone Cold's about to kill her, who should show up?
Speaker 1: But Nicholas Cage, who feels a disturbance in the force and he needs to come over and protect Amber Heard and Stone Cold.
Speaker 1: Steve Boyfriend looks at Amber Heard and he goes look at what you made me do, which is classic trailer park deflection.
Speaker 1: He's getting ready to kill her because that's how this is going to end.
Speaker 1: And then Nicholas Cage shows up and he says hey, you get your damn hands off her.
Speaker 1: And then he kicks the guy in the head.
Speaker 1: They tussle for a bit until an air conditioning unit from this trailer park house falls out and crushes his skull.
Speaker 1: So you're like oh, he's mostly dead, right.
Speaker 2: Later on, nicholas Cage seems to suggest that he is not, but to that I say bowl to the shit.
Speaker 2: Well, he does show up later and he's fine.
Speaker 2: I don't know how.
Speaker 2: Maybe that's more hell, magic or something, but anyway, we cut to nighttime at that point and Nicholas Cage is driving this charger away, with Amber Heard in the backseat.
Speaker 1: Unconscious possibly abducted, Definitely abducted at this point.
Speaker 2: What a day she's had.
Speaker 1: You know, she lives fast is what I would say about Amber Heard's character in this week.
Speaker 2: Like I don't think this is the craziest day she's ever had.
Speaker 1: No, Nor will tomorrow surpass the craziest day she's ever had, and she's going to get abducted from a church and almost killed by a maybe demon, i don't know And have to adopt a child.
Speaker 2: Which we will get to.
Speaker 2: So the moon is reflecting off of the windshield And then we get a flashback that makes no sense.
Speaker 1: Even on repeat viewings, it doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1: It's like inside Nicholas Cage's head or something And there's a little girl than a woman.
Speaker 1: And then some guy who isn't Billy Bob Thornton shows up and he's like I am one with the darkness, The nighttime is the right time.
Speaker 1: The nighttime is the right time And you're like, oh, this is a cult.
Speaker 1: The woman gives birth to a baby in a hotel room.
Speaker 2: So Billy Bob cult leader shows up, kills the daughter by slitting her throat with a straight razor.
Speaker 2: You left it at important data.
Speaker 1: After this woman has just given birth to a child, he takes her baby and gives them to the goons.
Speaker 1: And then he makes this woman who just gave birth to a child get on her knees to give him a blow job, and both.
Speaker 1: She's not happy about this situation at all, so she bites off his pecker.
Speaker 1: And this is when Billy Bob, cult leader, pulls out a shot, pulls out a straight razor usually used for shaving your face, and he slits her throat, splattering blood everywhere.
Speaker 1: He just had his penis bitten off.
Speaker 1: If it hadn't been for this podcast, i would have turned this movie out.
Speaker 2: You're not wrong.
Speaker 2: That is not a bad decision.
Speaker 1: I have no idea what's going on in this movie.
Speaker 1: I don't know who these characters are.
Speaker 1: I don't know what their motivation is.
Speaker 1: I'm not invested in any of the outcomes of their lives.
Speaker 1: I could have walked away from this movie right now and not thought twice about any of this, but I did because I love you And I was like I'll finish this one for about.
Speaker 2: I appreciate the fact that you're like you know what?
Speaker 2: Because of our longstanding relationship.
Speaker 1: All of those lovely dick pics, that one that had a little suit and it said 37th president, i was like that's adorable, i can't let him down.
Speaker 2: In fact, when you texted me back after I sent it to you, you said that's a dickable.
Speaker 1: And I knew what you meant So.
Speaker 2: anyway, amber Heard comes to in the back of this car, not surprised that she has come to after a series of blows to make her unconscious.
Speaker 1: Oh she strikes me as a woman who regularly wakes up in the backseat of a strange car as it's barreling down the highway She climbs up into the front seat.
Speaker 1: As you do.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage says you look a little cold, would you like my jacket?
Speaker 2: So she puts on his leather jacket and she says do you happen to kill my fiancé?
Speaker 1: No, the air conditioning did most of the work.
Speaker 1: I blame it on gravity.
Speaker 2: He says look, I need to get to Louisiana, Can't you take me there?
Speaker 1: By the way, my name is Milton.
Speaker 1: As in Milton's Paradise Lost, it helps to classy up this movie.
Speaker 2: I know you're going to think it was Milton Bradley, but I have nothing to do with the game battleship.
Speaker 1: If you somehow think I'm related to Milton Burrell, you are sorely mistaken.
Speaker 1: Look at the size of my cock.
Speaker 1: It's normal He had a huge dick.
Speaker 2: He famously wore a bathroom everywhere and liked to show it off.
Speaker 1: He also dressed up a lot like a woman.
Speaker 1: He probably drank lots of blood.
Speaker 1: Light shopped a target and went to Cracker Barrel.
Speaker 2: She agrees to take him, but only after she says now y'all ain't going to take me to the woods and try to kill me and leave me there, are you?
Speaker 1: And he's like oh no.
Speaker 2: And she says, well, all right, then I could sure use drink.
Speaker 2: And so they go to this club called the Bowl by the Balls.
Speaker 1: It's a bar attached to a motel, which those are real nice places.
Speaker 1: The only step below that on the shit die bar is the bar attached to a bowling alley.
Speaker 2: I would argue.
Speaker 2: The step down is the bar attached to the Aztok Temple, filled with vampires from Dustle Dawn.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that had Selma Hayek dancing around with a snake.
Speaker 1: You don't get that here.
Speaker 2: No, but you do get Amber Heard outside, given the whole pussy speech, like Cheech Maron from that movie.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard and Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 1: They go inside the Bowl by the Balls country Western Bar And Amber Heard immediately makes eyes at this bus boy for about one and a half seconds.
Speaker 1: And then Candy the Waitress remember her loyal audience.
Speaker 1: She walks over and Amber Heard and Nicholas Cage they order beers.
Speaker 1: Candy needs to see some ID because this is a dry county and you got to be a member of the establishment to get a beer or something like that.
Speaker 1: And then Nicholas Cage pulls out his crusty old driver's license and it's expired.
Speaker 1: They make a point about them having a really old license, but the point isn't really really made.
Speaker 1: It's sort of dismissed.
Speaker 2: And also Chad, if I could, when they first show up another character actor, Pruitt Taylor.
Speaker 1: Bence is the bouncer of this place.
Speaker 2: Owner manager And he says I heard you were dead.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage says no, you hoped I was dead.
Speaker 2: It's not the same.
Speaker 2: Yeah, which is a legitimately good line from Nicholas Cage in this movie, and it may be the only one.
Speaker 2: Which is a shame, because Nicholas Cage is clearly having a blast in this movie, but all his lines are garbage.
Speaker 1: Candy.
Speaker 1: the Waitress looks at Nicholas Cage and she says you know, hun, i can make an exception for you.
Speaker 1: You hand some stranger.
Speaker 1: And so she goes off to get the beers And immediately Amber Heard says uh, you going to tap that or what I'm like?
Speaker 1: why is she asking Nicholas Cage if he is going to have sex with this waitress that they literally met 18 seconds ago?
Speaker 2: Well, because she is about to get it wet herself, because she says look, nobody ever went to their grave, worried that they fucked too much.
Speaker 1: Excuse me, i'm about to go fuck that bus boy and does You think Gloria Steinem helped write the screenplay for this Uncredited?
Speaker 2: There's a lot of things in this movie that are absolutely misogynistic.
Speaker 2: Oh my God, Her just saying I'm going to go fuck that guy and then fucking him is the most feminist thing in this movie.
Speaker 1: Well, but she doesn't, as we'll find out in a moment.
Speaker 1: So Candy returns with the beers and that guy who Nicholas Cage fingerbanged earlier No, not that kind of fingerbanging He's at the bar talking to the owner and he's asking him about hey man, can we party at this bar?
Speaker 1: And he's like sure, whatever.
Speaker 1: Then we cut to Stone Cold, steve Boyfriend back at the trailer park, who is not dead.
Speaker 1: This was shocking, in fact.
Speaker 1: His head looks totally fine.
Speaker 1: He's on the phone with his mom.
Speaker 1: How adorable, remember, call your mom.
Speaker 1: On the TV there is a news report about Billy Bob, cult leader, but we can't hear any of it.
Speaker 1: It may be one of those John Wayne Bobbit news stories about how he got his dick chopped off and they're looking for it in the bushes or something, but we'll never know.
Speaker 1: There's a knock at the door and Bo, who is it?
Speaker 1: Billy Fix showing?
Speaker 2: up, ready to make this movie slightly better.
Speaker 2: That's right.
Speaker 2: He gives it another.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage has been here.
Speaker 2: And the guy says, well, whoever you're talking about, he ain't here anymore.
Speaker 2: And my fiance has gone, my car is gone And Billy Fix is like, yes, but where did they go?
Speaker 2: And this guy says I ain't telling you shit.
Speaker 2: And then goes after Billy Fix with a Louisville slugger which he ducks, steals, breaks in half and then drives one business end of this broken bat into the guy's shoulder, pinning him off of his feet and into the wall behind him.
Speaker 1: It's something normally reserved for a Friday, the 13th movie.
Speaker 1: It's pretty good, but then the tone of the movie gets really weird because Billy Fix starts like boing, boing, boing the baseball bat in his shoulder And the guy's like, oh no that smart.
Speaker 2: It's like he's trying to resist having a good time by torturing this guy.
Speaker 1: The tone of this movie is crazy.
Speaker 1: It's all over the place.
Speaker 1: It's like going to one of those crazy buffets where there's like low main and chocolate pudding and hamburgers and chicken tenders in the shapes of dinosaurs.
Speaker 1: And then there's sushi And you're like I don't know if I trust any of this.
Speaker 1: You're like how is this?
Speaker 2: 499 all you can eat.
Speaker 2: The fact that you're doing all of this means that you're really not doing any of this.
Speaker 2: This is one of those rare cases where more is less.
Speaker 2: But you're right, because this tone is sort of darkly playful and darkly comic.
Speaker 2: But the rest of the movie doesn't have that same tone.
Speaker 2: It takes itself a little too seriously.
Speaker 2: It's like a frat boy who's six beers in, Like he's not violent yet but he's ready for a fight.
Speaker 1: This movie is one of those films that feels like you're watching an adult child play with toy cars and they're just making it up as it goes along.
Speaker 1: It's just crazy nonsense of like yeah, look out, here comes the cops, there's a dinosaur and the devil is going to get you.
Speaker 2: One of my other favorite moments in this movie comes here, where Billy Fix is like so tell me what car they're driving?
Speaker 2: And the guy says it's a 69 charger.
Speaker 2: And Billy Fix says, uh-huh, is it the 440 or the Hemi?
Speaker 2: And the guy says it's the 440.
Speaker 2: And there's a moment where Billy Fix seems disgusted by this answer, like how dare you not have the Hemi?
Speaker 1: I think that this could have been a much better movie had it just been polished and gone through a couple of other quality rewrites.
Speaker 2: Billy Fix then finds a picture of Amber Heard.
Speaker 1: You know who I would have liked to have seen play the Billy Fix role.
Speaker 1: He's good in this, but you know who would have been really good?
Speaker 1: Tommy Lee Jones.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's sort of the other side of the coin of that fugitive character.
Speaker 2: I'm on the hunt for somebody.
Speaker 2: I'm going to check every roadside diner, every trick stop whorehouse.
Speaker 1: Hen house, whorehouse, shit house, waffle house, gingerbread house haunted witch house.
Speaker 2: You trying to tell me he didn't get the Hemi.
Speaker 2: Well, i gotta tell you, boy, that just chaps my ass Something fierce.
Speaker 2: He gets the picture of the girl and then the guy is winding behind him and he just throws the other end of the bat.
Speaker 2: We don't see the result of that right away, because Billy Fix goes outside and some cops have shown up And they draw down on him.
Speaker 2: When one of the cops goes inside and sees that the other half of this baseball bat is now lodged in this guy's fucking skull, It's pretty gruesome, you get to see it And it's the kind of like Tom Savini style horror movie gore.
Speaker 2: Absolutely So.
Speaker 2: They draw on him and Billy Fix then flips this coin up into the air and obelos, as the trivia will tell you, which is the coin used to pay the ferryman of the dead, and when it comes down, it's an FBI badge.
Speaker 2: It's a pretty good little magic trick.
Speaker 2: And he says listen, guys, i'm going to need you to kill Nicholas Cage, and when I say you need to take him down, what I mean is shoot to kill, because he will not hesitate to kill you.
Speaker 1: And then you too will get promotions, man.
Speaker 1: That sounds pretty good.
Speaker 1: So then we cut to Amber Heard sitting in her hotel room.
Speaker 1: She is fully dressed, without her cowboy boots, and the bus boy is sitting on the bed and he's totally nude, painting her toenails.
Speaker 1: Now, next door, we hear two people having extremely loud full contact sex, and Amber Heard just starts banging on the wall and she screams out shut the fuck up in there, shut the fuck up.
Speaker 1: The camera pans from her room into the next room, where we see Nicholas Cage, who is also fully clothed, but his pants have to be down to some degree, because he is sitting upright with Candida Waitress, fully nude and perpendicular to him, having wild Bronco sex.
Speaker 1: And Nicholas Cage is wearing sunglasses indoors at night, smoking a cigar, with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a gun in the other.
Speaker 1: It's a real look.
Speaker 1: It's a look that really only he could pull off Absolutely.
Speaker 2: This is one of the most iconic Nicholas Cage moments, and Candy, by the way, doing most of the work for sure.
Speaker 1: Well, for now, back in Amber Heard's room.
Speaker 2: She sees somebody walk past her room outside, but that's suspicious People walking past rooms at a motel Hell hmm, she goes to take a look at what is almost assuredly somebody just in the next room Going to get ice, although I would not get ice from the ice machine at this place.
Speaker 1: Not when there's a hot tub that you can go soak in.
Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
Speaker 1: She decides to go back to the Bulls by the Balls, or whatever this place was called, and on the TV there is a news report about Billy Bob Colt leader killing two people and abducting their newborn daughter.
Speaker 1: Now his dick just got bit off.
Speaker 1: right, that's right.
Speaker 1: The timeline of this does not square at all in this movie.
Speaker 1: But when Amber Heard, she sees the news.
Speaker 1: but she hears somebody coming in, so she hides bow And it turns out that the person coming in it's Billy Bob Colt leader.
Speaker 1: What a coinky dink.
Speaker 1: That is a coinky dink.
Speaker 1: The dude just had his dick bit off what 12 to 72 hours ago?
Speaker 1: And he's just docy-doin' around.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 2: His performance in this is real down home Satanist, Southern fried devil worship.
Speaker 2: These people do not appreciate the fact that they are in the presence of a new messiah.
Speaker 2: And he's followed by a bunch of flunkies and also the guy from the diner And he says I want you to go forth and pour your anger upon John Milton, aka Nicholas Cage, aka the guy fucking with a whiskey bottle in one end and a cigarette perched in his mouth.
Speaker 1: When this group of cult thugs show up to give him a little bit of cover.
Speaker 1: The variety of weapons in their hands is like something out of an airplane movie.
Speaker 1: One of them has a tire, iron, then there's an axe and a crowbar, then a scythe, sledgehammer, weed, eater, jackhammer, cotton gin, like.
Speaker 1: It just goes down the line and it gets more and more ridiculous.
Speaker 1: It's nonsense, but somehow it pulls its punches and then over swings at times.
Speaker 1: I don't know if it's making fun of the genre or if it's trying to pay homage to the genre of Grindhouse films.
Speaker 1: It's such a weird movie tonally.
Speaker 1: So Amber Heard hides.
Speaker 1: She's like oh fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck shit, fuck.
Speaker 2: And Billy Bob, cult leader, is starting to walk out and then stops and is like wait a second, did I see a sling blade on the wall?
Speaker 1: No, that was a Kaiser blade.
Speaker 2: Oh, some folks do call it a Kaiser blade.
Speaker 1: I called a sling blade.
Speaker 2: Wait a second.
Speaker 2: Is that some mustard on the bar And biscuits?
Speaker 2: Looks like you're lucky day, billy Bob, cult leader.
Speaker 1: Potted meat.
Speaker 1: Autograph picture of John Ritter.
Speaker 1: Why, if I eat all of that, they'll have to call an ambulance or a Hearst.
Speaker 2: Surprised guest appearance by Bobby Duvall.
Speaker 2: All I know is that baby I'm gonna sacrifice has a hole right in the middle of him where his heart goes, and that's a lonely place to be.
Speaker 1: What are we talking about?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, he gets like a spidey sense or something that somebody may be listening in And he goes looking around.
Speaker 2: But when he gets to the place where we saw Amber Heard hiding a moment ago, she's gone and then he leaves and Amber Heard comes out of the shadows to just grab a hoe off the wall A gardening hoe, not a prostitute.
Speaker 2: Sorry, i didn't mean for that to be confusing.
Speaker 1: What are you bitches get down here?
Speaker 1: Come help me find out these devil worshipping religious cult fanatics.
Speaker 2: Look, yes, yes, yes, sex work is real work.
Speaker 2: Please come help me murder these people.
Speaker 1: Back in Nicholas Cage's room where we just left him Inside.
Speaker 1: Candy Yes.
Speaker 1: She says why don't you just fuck naked?
Speaker 1: And Nicholas Cage says I never disrupt before a gunfight.
Speaker 1: And Candy says, oh.
Speaker 1: And then the bad guys all bust in with their crazy weapons And the movie gives us a slow motion 3D gun battle where Nicholas Cage, one by one, shoots these cult thugs, all the while never removing his penis from a fully nude candy.
Speaker 1: And the song that plays is You Want Candy?
Speaker 1: by Danish rock duo the Ravenettes.
Speaker 1: Who can forget their iconic album Lust, lust, lust or 2009's In and Out of Control, raven in the Grave?
Speaker 1: poke a poke, a poke, anything.
Speaker 2: Dude.
Speaker 2: He is whipping around like falling, moving onto the floor all the time.
Speaker 2: He never stops fucking candy.
Speaker 1: I feel like this scene could have been and should have been better The choreography of it.
Speaker 1: If this had been more Jackie Chan than Jackie Gleason I said that because he was fat and slow it would have been something out of Kung Fu hustle.
Speaker 1: This is bonkers Watching a guy have sex with a woman while he blasts away cult leaders with this bizarre assortment of weaponry.
Speaker 2: And at that point.
Speaker 1: I was like then just drop the thing into fifth gear and floor it and just give me bananas for the rest of the film.
Speaker 1: But I don't think it ever gets as crazy as this for the rest of the movie.
Speaker 1: Is there anything crazier than him having sex with this woman and murdering all these people?
Speaker 1: I don't think so.
Speaker 1: There's some weird stuff, but this is the tip of the spear.
Speaker 2: Having some to speak, Yeah, and he gets like tased while this is happening.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which is when he orgasms.
Speaker 1: It's like a cattle prod, It's not like a cop taser, It's on a stick like and then he has an orgasm and candy has an orgasm.
Speaker 2: He stops to drink some bourbon.
Speaker 2: It's bananas, And finally he's out of bullets.
Speaker 2: and there's still one guy coming And you think that's Curtin.
Speaker 1: It's Curtin for Nicholas.
Speaker 2: Cage.
Speaker 2: Amber Heard appears from behind this dude with the hoe and slams him in the skull which is also a pretty gory effect.
Speaker 1: Yeah, again it looks like something from an 80s slasher film.
Speaker 2: And only then does Nicholas Cage dismount candy.
Speaker 1: I think for candy this was the weirdest day of her life 100%, like she does not take this well.
Speaker 2: She does not recover at all.
Speaker 2: No, nicholas Cage sees one of the guys like scampering off and he says great, he took the bait.
Speaker 2: And then Billy Ficks and his cop buddy show up outside this roadhouse bar slash hotel.
Speaker 2: Billy Ficks gives Billy Bob Colt leader a little smile, as if to say like we're on the same side, buddy, or something.
Speaker 2: But that's not how it works.
Speaker 1: No, And one of the cops sees Billy Bob Colt leader and recognizes him.
Speaker 1: But he decides to ignore that and follow Billy Ficks lead to keep his eyes on the prize That is Nicholas Cage, right.
Speaker 1: So Nicholas Cage and Amber Heard, they start to escape this hotel.
Speaker 1: Honky tonk, these two cops show up and bullets start flying.
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage gets shot in the stomach and then Nicholas Cage hands Amber Heard a gun.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard shoots one of the cops who, after being shot that cop, accidentally shoots the other cop in the head.
Speaker 1: So Amber Heard killed one of them and then that dead cop killed the other.
Speaker 1: Imagine piecing that together as a detective.
Speaker 2: You need a real Sherlock to get through that one.
Speaker 1: You're going to need to get poor or some glass onion type detective to figure this shit out.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage and Amber Heard jump in the charger and get the hell out of there and drive past Billy Ficks, who gives him a stare down as they pass by.
Speaker 1: Do they know each other?
Speaker 1: They kind of look at each other like did we go to high school together?
Speaker 1: Maybe, But anyway Wait.
Speaker 2: I think they definitely know each other.
Speaker 2: I think there is some history between Billy Ficks and Nicholas Cage, but as they're on the road, amber Heard asks why Nicholas Cage is being shot at by cops And she's like are you an escapee or a murderer?
Speaker 2: And he's like I'm both.
Speaker 1: What have you got me into?
Speaker 1: I shot a cop.
Speaker 1: I'm going to go to jail.
Speaker 2: Fuck, wait a second.
Speaker 2: Let me just give you the premise of this movie.
Speaker 2: So that little girl you saw in the news, that's my granddaughter.
Speaker 2: They took her and they're going to sacrifice her at the next full moon And I'm going to get her back.
Speaker 2: Billy Ficks then shows up in a cop car behind them, yes, and in.
Speaker 2: Maybe the like legitimate, best scene of the movie is when he's like hey, roll down the window.
Speaker 2: He rolls down the window, at which point Nicholas Cage just takes a shot at him And he kind of brushes that off.
Speaker 2: Billy Ficks is like, ah, shotguns are nothing to me, and they just have this moment of banter Hey, i need to bring you back.
Speaker 2: None of this is going to go your way.
Speaker 2: You need to come back with me.
Speaker 2: This is not going to end well for you.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage gets Amber Heard to load up the Godkiller gun in the back And then he shoots it at Billy Ficks.
Speaker 2: We get like one of those 3D slow motion moments where we see that inscribed on the bullet is Dave's Baloch's necks, which means God's swift death.
Speaker 2: And then Billy Ficks gets grazed on the cheek and the car ends up flipping over because they're on a bridge.
Speaker 2: The car flips over, goes off the side of the bridge And then, for no good reason, amber Heard and Nicholas Cage stop to just kind of check out what that was.
Speaker 2: She says what kind of gun was that y'all?
Speaker 2: And he says we got to get out of here.
Speaker 2: You drive, i need to reload.
Speaker 1: Cut to Star of Halloween, 3 season of The Witch, tom Atkins as the police captain.
Speaker 1: The budget for his costume was $0.00 and 0 cents.
Speaker 1: Because he comes walking up to this crime scene at the Bull by the Balls Hotel, honky tonk.
Speaker 1: He's wearing this black screen printed t-shirt that has a bunch of like movie quotes.
Speaker 1: There's a Darth Vader head on it.
Speaker 1: It looks like he's doing a favor for somebody And it's tucked into his dad jeans with this real pronounced belt.
Speaker 1: He looks like a high school principal on some fun t-shirt.
Speaker 1: Theme day for spirit week.
Speaker 1: This is accurate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, he looks like he's going to a yard sale, not a movie That he might be hosting.
Speaker 2: Right, he's kind of given the guys some shit And, like I love Tom Atkins, he's a terrific character actor.
Speaker 2: Which is kind of the theme of this movie is that they just hired a bunch of character actors to fill in all these small parts that do a better job.
Speaker 2: They didn't have money to pay for real actors, but these guys, i think, make it better than just a name would Fair enough, anyway.
Speaker 2: So Tom Atkins is giving his guy shit about being shitty investigators, which they clearly Why do we have two dead Colorado troopers within the great state of Oklahoma?
Speaker 1: I was like, look at him, he's got pride in his state, bro.
Speaker 1: It's a damner thing these days.
Speaker 2: While he's yelling at them, they find candy.
Speaker 2: He does say.
Speaker 2: My guess is that.
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage is not among the departed in this room And I was like wait, how does he know Nicholas Cage?
Speaker 1: He escaped from hell.
Speaker 1: Or were they aware?
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage is dead, right, but he's come back to the living.
Speaker 1: Why would this cop be asking about Nicholas Cage?
Speaker 1: Nobody knows that.
Speaker 1: he's walking the earth outside of Amber Heard, billy Thicke and then the Bulls by the Balls guy.
Speaker 1: So another officer's like Captain, we got one alive And Tom Atkins rushes over and they find candy still totally naked but covering yourself with a bed sheet.
Speaker 1: She's sitting by this storage area for the pool that has towels and drinking straws And Tom Atkins says you're going to be all right, young Missy.
Speaker 1: And Candy responds he killed him while he was fucking.
Speaker 1: You gotta understand.
Speaker 1: This has never happened to me before.
Speaker 1: Has it ever happened to you?
Speaker 1: Are you asking if I've had sex with Nicholas Cage while?
Speaker 1: he killed a dozen men at the same time.
Speaker 1: Well, the answer to that specific question is no.
Speaker 2: I mean, who hasn't That's what I ask in response.
Speaker 2: We've cut from that to Billy Thicke's in the turned over cop car, specifically to Stoners who roll up on bikes and find this cop car.
Speaker 1: They're presented to be in their 20s, on their way to their mid 40s.
Speaker 2: Hell, they both have mortgages.
Speaker 1: Yeah, one of them is wearing John Lennon sunglasses and he takes out a pipe and hits it so that he can speak all of his dialogue with the accompaniment of marijuana smoke.
Speaker 1: Do you think there's anybody in that car?
Speaker 1: Then he hands the pipe to his buddy who hits it.
Speaker 1: He's like I guess the doors are still closed.
Speaker 2: Then Billy Thicke exits this car by kicking open the door hard enough to just wallop The dude on the left.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because the movie remembers it's in 3D, Like, oh shit, we got to do some 3D stuff.
Speaker 2: When he gets out of the car we see he's got this gash under his eye And the guy who got walled by the car door finally gets up and says hey, you almost killed me, man.
Speaker 2: You could have killed a guy like that.
Speaker 1: You know, that's how Hohedini died.
Speaker 2: Billy Thicke says oh no, i don't think so, i won't see you until you're 73.
Speaker 2: You, he says to the other guy, i'll see in three months.
Speaker 1: Right, So he knows when people are going to die fat lose going to heaven.
Speaker 2: I would think the stoner goes to heaven before fat lose.
Speaker 1: All dogs go to heaven.
Speaker 1: We learned that back in season one.
Speaker 1: That was a sad episode, remember, because that little girl got murdered by her crazy parents.
Speaker 1: When I did the voice of the main girl, Oh yeah, that was sad, But on the other hand, it had Dom Del Louise, who's hilarious except in that movie, fatso, where he's fat, and that's kind of sad.
Speaker 1: I'd ever saw that movie And nobody did except me, and I was just sitting there eating a bunch of little Debbie snacks.
Speaker 1: What did you see it?
Speaker 1: I was curious.
Speaker 2: You were fat, so curious.
Speaker 2: I mean, we all are from time to time, I guess.
Speaker 1: I was looking for a Halloween costume.
Speaker 2: That tracks anyway, so what's?
Speaker 1: going on, Oh yeah.
Speaker 2: Nikola escapes, Then tells Amber heard how his daughter got all mixed up with Billy Bob cult leader.
Speaker 2: And he says, yeah, she was into this quiet revolution The guy promised, but then it got weird.
Speaker 2: Then Billy Bob Thornton broke her leg in three places when she tried to escape.
Speaker 2: So she stabbed him one night with a pentagram pendant.
Speaker 2: That's why he's got that weird looking scar on his face.
Speaker 2: And then she says why didn't you know about this earlier?
Speaker 2: Why didn't you save her from this cult?
Speaker 2: I didn't know about it till I was locked up, Then he just stops the backstory.
Speaker 1: He doesn't really go into anything about the baby and her being dead.
Speaker 2: Yeah of course not, because then he's going to start explaining like, well, i was dead And then I went to hell.
Speaker 2: He just lets that lie for now.
Speaker 1: As luck would have it, amber heard and Nicholas Cage drive up to a church and they're like, oh my God, it's Billy Bob cult leader's van.
Speaker 1: They're probably inside.
Speaker 1: So they pull over and they grab their guns.
Speaker 1: of course Nicholas Cage goes inside alone and he tells Amber heard stay here, So Nicholas Cage walks inside and there are about 20 people terribly singing a church hymn.
Speaker 1: But then Amber heard immediately just comes walking into the church.
Speaker 1: She plays by her own rules, bo, and Nicholas Cage sees a woman at the front row holding this newborn infant that clearly has to be his granddaughter.
Speaker 1: Then everybody in the church pops up from their pews and they all have guns of varying calibers and they're all pointed at Nicholas Cage And they take Amber heard, hostage, forcing Nicholas Cage to drop his one and only gun.
Speaker 1: And then Bo, billy Bob cult leader comes sauntering out looking like a pimp with a walking cane.
Speaker 1: He has gold chains around his neck, he shirts him button down to his belly button And he's wearing this long maroon coat.
Speaker 1: He looks like an evangelical Willy Wonka.
Speaker 1: And Billy Bob cult leader says Milton, is it?
Speaker 1: We, of course have never met.
Speaker 1: I do declare Why are you partaking of such reckless behavior?
Speaker 1: Because all I know about you is that you abandoned your daughter.
Speaker 1: It crushed her so completely.
Speaker 1: She told everybody that you were damned Because he was dead, bo.
Speaker 2: And then Nicholas Cage says Billy Bob, cult leader.
Speaker 2: I want you to know that I saw everything that happened that night.
Speaker 2: You forced my daughter onto her knees and she made you pay for it.
Speaker 1: She beat your penis in half and now you have a teeny weeny peeny.
Speaker 2: Ask diner guy over there.
Speaker 2: He knows that you're dickless.
Speaker 2: And then, rather than deal with that, billy Bob cult leader just shoots diner guy in the head.
Speaker 1: Wasn't his dick bit off like seriously within the last three to seven days, at most Maybe two days?
Speaker 1: I mean that timeline's real sketchy.
Speaker 1: I don't know when this comes up He talks about that.
Speaker 1: the pimp cane he's walking around with is Nicholas Cage's daughter's femur bone.
Speaker 1: She hasn't been dead two, three days.
Speaker 1: How did you cure this bone and turn it into a pimp cane?
Speaker 1: Timeline's real crazy here.
Speaker 1: You know how I like to try to make movies better after the fact.
Speaker 2: We make movies less worse.
Speaker 2: That's the Picsx kind of motto.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's on our official family crest.
Speaker 1: Would this movie work better if the filmmakers did not start it off with Nicholas Cage escaping from hell but kept that a secret until act three?
Speaker 1: So as an audience we could infer that Billy Ficks is a supernatural being.
Speaker 1: Ming tells that he's the devil's accountant or whatever, And he's pursuing Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 1: but then you kind of get all of the little clues of the driver's license and the relationship with the daughter, or when he gets shot and he starts to heal, that you realize, oh, he's a supernatural being as well to some degree.
Speaker 1: At a certain point in the film it's explained to Amber Heard.
Speaker 2: It's like she's the only person in the theater or in the film that doesn't know what's going on, you're right, and I don't know that it would necessarily make it better, because, as the audience, then you're just waiting for them to tell you the thing that you've probably already figured out.
Speaker 1: Fair enough.
Speaker 2: I've been thinking about this a lot of how do you make this movie less worse, And I don't know that there's a good answer to that.
Speaker 1: It's pretty bad to begin with.
Speaker 2: And so then Billy Bob Colt leader just shoots Nicholas Cage in the eye.
Speaker 2: Yeah, i mean, he's down, he's on the ground.
Speaker 2: And then Billy Bob Colt leader turns his attention from the corpse of Nicholas Cage to Amber Heard and says I'm interested in you.
Speaker 2: I'm going to enjoy breaking you like I did his daughter.
Speaker 1: When Nicholas Cage gets shot, it doesn't blow out the back of his head assassination style.
Speaker 1: This is more of a silver bullet type.
Speaker 1: I wound.
Speaker 2: It is very silver bullet.
Speaker 2: And then some dudes linger in the church while Billy Bob Colt, leader, and Amber Herd and a bunch of the flunkies take off When they abduct her.
Speaker 1: she puts up a pretty good fight.
Speaker 1: Oh, she definitely does.
Speaker 1: She's spitting and punching.
Speaker 1: Maybe think about what kind of shit Johnny Depp and she went through Like if she's putting on this performance on the screen, you know she can bring that home.
Speaker 2: People who were really into the Johnny Depp Amber Herd trial were people that were telling me implicitly that I did not need to know them.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: If you are that deep into somebody else's trial, that is totally personal.
Speaker 2: They're also too rich people, so kind of who gives a fuck?
Speaker 1: I did like the part about her shit in the bed.
Speaker 1: When I heard that I was like oh, that's crazy.
Speaker 2: That's just because it reminded you of always sunny.
Speaker 1: You got turd, i'll look at it.
Speaker 1: So who pooped in the bed?
Speaker 1: It was me.
Speaker 1: Why I thought it would be funny.
Speaker 2: So some dudes are left behind to, I don't know, clean the place up or something.
Speaker 2: Is it your?
Speaker 1: church, just leave it.
Speaker 1: I think they just went in the church killed a guy.
Speaker 1: But yeah, you're right, just leave it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, figure it out.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage wakes up and then murders them all pretty on ceremony, yeah, except for one guy who's got an amazing slash, terrible wig.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's this crazy pompadour and then he gets in the charger, throws on some shades and takes off.
Speaker 1: He goes after Billy Bob cult leader, who looks out the back window of the RV that they've escaped in and he says well, look ahead, nicholas Cage is coming after us.
Speaker 1: and everybody is so shocked because Nicholas Cage was just shot in the head and then, in the RV, billy Bob cult leader starts evangelizing about the glorious battle of hell and Amber Heard just starts beating the shit out of everybody in the RV for some reason, i guess, to save her life.
Speaker 2: It's pretty good.
Speaker 2: I like her trying to beat the shit out of this dude.
Speaker 1: There's kind of a bit of a car chase back and forth.
Speaker 1: We go through an industrial park.
Speaker 1: It's kind of abandoned.
Speaker 1: Amber Heard starts beating up some woman in the RV and eventually kicks this woman out the back window of the RV.
Speaker 1: That'll come into play in a moment.
Speaker 2: None of this is very entertaining or necessary.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the action scenes, which should be really exciting and over the top and crazy, never quite get there.
Speaker 1: No, that woman.
Speaker 1: She threw out the back window of the RV.
Speaker 1: She pops up on one knee to fire her gun and then Nicholas Cage runs over her, splattering her everywhere.
Speaker 2: There's one line that I mean I don't like this line, but it's at least noteworthy where Billy Bob, cult leader, says to Amber Heard you know, I changed my mind.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna kill you and then defile your corpse.
Speaker 1: You think he's got one of those pink dildos?
Speaker 2: she's talking about.
Speaker 2: That's what he's going to use, i know.
Speaker 2: And then she says, yeah, but between now and then I'm all fuck you up, which got to chuckle out of me.
Speaker 2: So they're fighting in the RV.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage is chasing him around.
Speaker 2: The closest you get to something kind of cool happening here is that he jumps a ramp, then stops and then hides under the ramp And so when a car chasing him goes over him, he shoots the gas tank with a shotgun from beneath so that it explodes in midair and it's like oh well, that's something.
Speaker 1: Imagine watching this movie with, like the mythbusters or Neil deGrasse Tyson or Bill Nye the science guy.
Speaker 1: They would just get up and walk out just on scientific principles alone.
Speaker 1: Like I can't even enjoy this.
Speaker 2: I think that they would have left the movie for unscientific reasons well before it got to something like this.
Speaker 1: I need to go use the restroom.
Speaker 1: I'll never be back in a minute.
Speaker 2: I think that remake of the Lady Killers is playing in the next theater And I figured I could trade one shitty movie for just one.
Speaker 1: that's kind of bad one Southern fried turd for another one.
Speaker 2: Anyway.
Speaker 2: So Nicholas Cage almost catches up to this RV.
Speaker 2: He's getting just ahead and is playing chicken with it, and then Amber Heard takes this medallion of his and stabs him in the face with it again.
Speaker 2: It's like dude, that's two women in the space of a week who have stabbed you with your own medallion because it's too sharp.
Speaker 2: That's not the right medallion for you.
Speaker 2: And he only has half a penis at best, this has not been a great time for Billy Bob cold leader.
Speaker 1: Despite all his bluster.
Speaker 2: He has not had a great week.
Speaker 1: Worst week ever for Billy Bob cold leader.
Speaker 1: So this ends with Amber Heard leaping out the back window to land on the hood of the Dodge Charger and she gets inside the car because Nicholas Cage had kicked out the front windshield so that she could get in in the next shot.
Speaker 1: And then she gets in and then they escape.
Speaker 1: The RV drives off.
Speaker 2: See you later.
Speaker 2: After they drive off, Amber Heard asks him how he's still alive and he says I could feel the bullets still inside my head.
Speaker 2: It's rattler around in there, It's really weird.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that wasn't the question I asked you.
Speaker 1: Can you feel the bullet in your head?
Speaker 1: I'm asking you, how are you alive?
Speaker 2: And she starts to piece together the bit about oh, his driver's license is really old and Billy Braces.
Speaker 2: Billy Bob cold, leader, talked about how Nicholas Cage was dead at one point Yeah, and he says, look, i don't have time to explain the supernatural doings of this movie.
Speaker 1: We've got to hide your car.
Speaker 1: I don't think that the flashbacks that they show to connect all this is enough to explain how he is still alive, because you see Candy the waitress saying like, oh, your driver's license is expired.
Speaker 1: And then you see that one guy saying like, hey, i thought you were dead.
Speaker 1: And somebody else says that But there's all kinds of people that I think that are dead, but they're still alive.
Speaker 1: Here's a quiz ready Which one of these three people is dead?
Speaker 1: Okay, bob Barker, bob Newhart or Dick Van Dyke?
Speaker 1: Bob Barker, they're all alive, see.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Right, just because you hear I thought you were dead.
Speaker 1: What do you mean?
Speaker 1: Are you a zombie?
Speaker 1: No, you idiot.
Speaker 1: He got me confused with another guy Oh who, i was going to have to cut off your head for a moment there.
Speaker 1: So Amber heard, says hey, how long were you imprisoned?
Speaker 1: or would you imprison at all?
Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, nicholas Cage, is there anything that you've told me?
Speaker 1: that's true.
Speaker 1: And he says I need to use your portable phone to call a new character into this movie that we don't really need And we need to hide the car.
Speaker 1: Remember, you killed two cops.
Speaker 1: She's like oh shit, i did kill two cops.
Speaker 1: I'm probably going to go to prison again.
Speaker 1: Oh shit, i'm on the run.
Speaker 1: They push the Dodge Charger down the road for what appears to be multiple miles.
Speaker 2: So back at the church, the wig dude is still alive somehow and Billy Fick shows up and he's like you know, this isn't how any of this works, right, This whole killing a baby by the light of the moon business.
Speaker 2: The guy is like we got to kill Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 2: He says why is he so important to you guys?
Speaker 2: And the guy doesn't want to give up any information.
Speaker 2: So Billy Fick just grabs a knife and stabs him in his wound a couple of times, real quick, And then he finally reveals like Nicholas Cage is chasing us on account of we have this baby and we have a pact with our Lord Satan, You know what a ding a langer.
Speaker 2: I like that.
Speaker 2: Billy Ficks is just like I know the guy and he doesn't give a shit about any of you people.
Speaker 1: The one line that Billy Fick had that made me laugh out loud in this movie is before he stabs a guy in the leg he looks down at, like his thigh, which is just bloody hamburger, and Billy Fick goes whoa, those are fucked.
Speaker 1: That's pretty good.
Speaker 2: He's having a blast in this movie.
Speaker 1: Like Billy Ficks, you can always count on to deliver performance, and he's just having a wall to wall ball in this, yeah we cut to Nicholas Cage and Amber Heard and she's putting a black skull bandana wrapped around Nicholas Cage's disgusting eye wound and Amber Heard says I tried to get your grand baby back.
Speaker 1: I really did.
Speaker 1: Fucking devil worshipers.
Speaker 1: They freaked me the fuck out.
Speaker 1: That's some good dialogue, though.
Speaker 2: It sure is.
Speaker 1: Then a yellow tow truck pulls up driving.
Speaker 1: It is none other than character actor Ted Morse, who we last saw in Pixix movies when we discussed the Nicholas Cage film The Rock.
Speaker 1: It was also Tom Hanks buddy in the Green Mile and Jodie Foster's dad in contact when she went through that we can talk to aliens machine.
Speaker 2: Mm, hmm, i love that movie.
Speaker 1: I should have sent a poet.
Speaker 2: They should have sent David Morse They should have sent Mojo.
Speaker 2: Nixon.
Speaker 2: Look at this man, look at all these aliens.
Speaker 2: We're on a beach or something.
Speaker 2: It's crazy.
Speaker 1: I'd like to see any movie remade with the Muppets and the only human character is Mojo Nixon.
Speaker 1: I don't care what it is.
Speaker 1: You know Henry, the Fifth Splash, you know the Godfather, Godfather, Wagon Train, I don't care anything.
Speaker 1: All Muppets and Mojo Nixon, I'll back that.
Speaker 2: Oh, casablanca would be pretty good to play it again, sam shit So.
Speaker 1: David Morse is like you can't be alive.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage is like what do you mean?
Speaker 2: Here I am.
Speaker 2: He's like no, no, no, you can't be alive because I carried your coffin.
Speaker 2: I heard about your daughter.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage is like well then, you know, while I'm back, and.
Speaker 2: Dave Morse is like well I guess I do And so so that explains that.
Speaker 2: Mo.
Speaker 2: So they go back to David Morse's garage, where Nicholas Cage's eye grows back.
Speaker 2: Only creepier.
Speaker 1: It's because they didn't want to spend all that money to put special effects makeup on Nicholas Cage for the rest of the film.
Speaker 2: And then David Morse tells Amber heard this whole story about how Nicholas Cage may have been a bad husband but he was a good father and he and I got mixed up in some shady shit.
Speaker 2: But Nicholas Cage got me out of it by going to the guys that I was in Dutch with or whatever, and I was supposed to go with him but he didn't come get me And so he just murdered all those guys and got me out of this.
Speaker 2: So I guess I owe him or something.
Speaker 1: And hopefully that explains what's going on here.
Speaker 1: to answer your question, moving along like you didn't answer anything to this woman, she's just like what the hell is happening.
Speaker 2: You've made this more confusing, not less.
Speaker 2: Now I want to know like who were you in Dutch with and how did Nicholas Cage get involved with that?
Speaker 2: Like, this is all just a big fucking mess.
Speaker 1: Cut to something that happens every single day in Nicholas Cage's life.
Speaker 1: As he is standing staring blankly into a trash can fire, in the middle of the day, Amber Herden Timor's walk over and he offers Nicholas Cage a beer.
Speaker 1: And Nicholas Cage says and hell, it's not so much the heat as it is the humidity.
Speaker 1: Haha, that's a joke we use in hell.
Speaker 1: I'm kidding, Of course.
Speaker 1: In hell there's a video feed of you watching the people you love suffer.
Speaker 1: It's harrowing.
Speaker 1: My daughter was 16 when I was killed.
Speaker 1: I watched her weep, I watched her join a cult.
Speaker 1: I saw the murders of her and that tree hugging Santa wearing husbands of hers.
Speaker 1: Then I saw them cut off her head.
Speaker 1: The only way that I'll be drinking a beer is out of the skull of Billy Bob cult leader.
Speaker 1: Well, here's a couple of cars.
Speaker 1: Right, Which one you want?
Speaker 1: red or blue?
Speaker 2: I got a the Chabelle 454s If you want those that sounds awesome.
Speaker 1: We're going to go kill Billy Bob, cult leader.
Speaker 1: It's only an eight hour drive to Louisiana.
Speaker 2: Outside.
Speaker 2: Billy Bob cult leader has somehow tracked them to this garage.
Speaker 1: What He's like a binoculars and he's on the phone like yeah, police, if you're looking for Nicholas Cage, he's out here at the garage.
Speaker 1: Come and get him.
Speaker 1: That's where I thought he might have been a demon or something.
Speaker 1: Yeah, zips up and around, but he's not.
Speaker 1: He's just a dude with stab wounds and penis accidents.
Speaker 2: Well, i don't know if it was an accident, it was on purpose as Nicholas Cage and Amber hurt are leaving, david Morris is like look man, i'm right or die with you.
Speaker 1: Let's go and Nicholas, She's like.
Speaker 2: I can't let you go.
Speaker 2: This time It's different.
Speaker 2: Now I'm not going to end up covered in someone else's blood, but I can't let you come because of a secret reason I have to tell you in the garage.
Speaker 2: And so he goes to tell David Morris his secret, while Amber, hurt, is just saying by the car like um, what's going on now?
Speaker 2: And then Nicholas Cage comes back to her and says look, for no good reason, i need you to help me.
Speaker 2: And she's like well, all right, are you sure?
Speaker 2: Cause I've given you no good reasons to do so and you're almost guaranteed to be in danger, if not killed.
Speaker 2: I mean, i got shot in the head.
Speaker 1: I killed two cops.
Speaker 2: I got nothing to lose.
Speaker 2: Her argument chat is I've been waiting on something my whole life.
Speaker 2: What a felony.
Speaker 2: They hit the road for no good reason.
Speaker 2: Eight hours to get to Louisiana.
Speaker 2: Some cops pop up behind them and give chase.
Speaker 1: He immediately has five stars from Grand Theft Auto.
Speaker 1: He's like helicopters and tanks and shit cut to Captain Tom Atkins, who I forgot was in the movie.
Speaker 1: at this point They've set up a roadblock with about 15 police cars and Captain Tom Atkins, he tells his officers these two killed two of our own.
Speaker 1: So when I tell you to aim for their tires, i mean aim for their heads.
Speaker 1: So what does it mean?
Speaker 1: if you say aim for their heads?
Speaker 1: Should we aim for their?
Speaker 2: tires.
Speaker 2: No, also aim for their heads.
Speaker 2: No matter what aim for their heads.
Speaker 1: So if you say aim for the tires, it's aim for the heads, and aim for the head, that's aim for the heads.
Speaker 1: Okay, why are you being so cryptic?
Speaker 1: Why would you even say aim for the tires and just not say aim for the heads?
Speaker 2: I mean, if you tell us that what you really mean is aim for the head.
Speaker 2: Why don't you just say aim for the head, because we all got it.
Speaker 1: Are you trying to cover yourself if there's an internal investigation?
Speaker 1: This is my third day on the job, but I just want to understand how this works.
Speaker 1: I've heard something about a thin blue line.
Speaker 2: Is this it?
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage ends up having to stop the car rather than go ass-first into this roadblock.
Speaker 1: For no explainable reason whatsoever Bo.
Speaker 2: So there's a standoff.
Speaker 2: Tom Atkins is like they're about to get out of the car.
Speaker 2: Remember that'll give you a clear shot of their tires.
Speaker 2: He means head.
Speaker 2: Everybody knows what I mean.
Speaker 2: Just sit down, james, and Billy Fitch then shows up in a fuel truck unexpectedly, ramming through this blockade Full of hydrogen.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: Blasting Casey and the sunshine bands.
Speaker 1: That's the way.
Speaker 1: Ah ha, ah ha.
Speaker 1: I like it.
Speaker 2: Ah ha, ah ha.
Speaker 2: As it's flipping over, nicholas Cage drives under it to get away because it's blasted through the roadblock now, so he has a free path Right.
Speaker 2: He and Billy Fitch share a look as Nicholas Cage drives by and then a bunch of the cops kind of gather to be like what the fuck dude?
Speaker 2: And Billy Fitch just shows him the FBI badge again from his little coin trick.
Speaker 1: There's one scene here that's pretty bonkers.
Speaker 1: Yes, when he crashes through one of the police cars, latches onto the side of the hydrogen truck before it explodes and he steps out of the hydrogen truck onto the hood of this police car.
Speaker 1: Then the two sort of gently separate from one another to get Billy Fitch out of the truck before it explodes.
Speaker 1: And it's a real gentle transition, mm hmm, It's done with some style, but again it shifts the tone of this movie so wildly.
Speaker 1: The only way this movie would make sense, bo, is if the final shot of it was of a kid playing in his backyard with action figures and fire and trucks And it was like an episode of the Twilight Zone and his sister's Barbies that he has that are like in various states of dress and some animal corpses that he's defiled Like.
Speaker 1: Oh, this kid needs help.
Speaker 2: This kid is a danger to himself and or others.
Speaker 1: Billy Fitch does the coin flip thing and tada, He's got an FBI badge and they're like son of a bitch.
Speaker 2: He can't argue with the FBI boys And he says you've stumbled onto an ongoing investigation.
Speaker 2: And then he gives out another sniff and he's like wait a second.
Speaker 2: You there, sir.
Speaker 1: You seem to have some of this scarification that suggests that you are in this Billy Bob Colt leader rips this cop shirt open and you see that there is what you would assume to be like a pentagram, but really it's just a poor star tattoo or scar on his chest.
Speaker 2: It's real shitty, but I think that this cult is pretty low rent to begin with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a real jailhouse type marking.
Speaker 2: Anyway, he tells the trooper Billy Fitch does call King and tell him that Milton is dead.
Speaker 1: Why, why are they calling Billy Bob Colt, leader, to tell him that Nicholas Cage is dead?
Speaker 2: Why do not know?
Speaker 2: It does not seem to affect anything.
Speaker 1: We get a montage of Nicholas Cage and Amber Heard driving eight hours to Louisiana.
Speaker 1: The full moon arises over still water prison.
Speaker 1: They pull up in their car.
Speaker 1: Nicholas Cage climbs out and goes over to a wall to scale it up to see what's doing on the other side and inside this abandoned prison.
Speaker 1: But it's total chaos.
Speaker 1: They're naked women dancing around on top of the RV.
Speaker 1: Cult members are just beating the shit out of each other.
Speaker 1: They're firing weapons into the air.
Speaker 1: They're bonfires burning here and there.
Speaker 1: Then, quietly, a ZamFear pan flute starts whispering out the tune.
Speaker 1: Amazing grace, as Nicholas Cage sees a bassinet with his granddaughter in it.
Speaker 1: That happens.
Speaker 1: That's what happens in this movie.
Speaker 1: It's bonkers.
Speaker 2: And when Nicholas Cage goes back after scoping out the area and seeing all this crazy shit going on below, he finds that Amber Heard is no longer near the car.
Speaker 2: She is instead in this like covered bridge, where she gets yanked back into it because Billy Fix has showed up.
Speaker 1: Yeah, why is he there So?
Speaker 2: this seems to be the thing.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy you're going to explain to me.
Speaker 1: I don't understand any of this.
Speaker 2: The idea is that Nicholas Cage has his God killer and he's going to shoot Billy Fix.
Speaker 2: And Billy Fix says hey, you don't need to kill me, because I'm not trying to stop you and I'm not trying to kill Amber Heard here.
Speaker 2: The problem is that this Billy Bob cult leader asshole Yes, got it right accidentally and that he really will bring hell to earth.
Speaker 2: and my boss you know the big L doesn't want that to happen.
Speaker 2: He doesn't want hell on earth because he's just a business man.
Speaker 2: He doesn't like all this bullshit.
Speaker 1: He does paint a rosy picture of the devil.
Speaker 2: He makes the devil out to be just like a middle manager, that he is not trying to rock the boat, he's not coming up with schemes to get out of hell or anything like that.
Speaker 2: He just wants to do his job.
Speaker 1: He does say that Satan hates it when people sacrifice babies.
Speaker 1: Right, so is Satan pro life.
Speaker 1: Ho ho, check and make religious conservatives.
Speaker 2: And I think it's not so much that he's pro life, He's just like hey, why are you going to run around killing babies?
Speaker 2: That's fucked up.
Speaker 2: You know, like, do it in the womb where it's just a little fetus, but when you got, when you got a real live people baby, maybe not so much.
Speaker 2: So I think he's pro choice.
Speaker 1: I think the Lucifer seems like a real reason you're telling me that Billy fixed is here to prevent Billy Bob, cult leader, from killing a baby and Bring in hell to earth.
Speaker 1: Not originally.
Speaker 2: Originally he's just there to get Nicholas Cage back, but then he realizes oh shit, they're actually going to actually make hell come to earth.
Speaker 2: My boss doesn't want that.
Speaker 2: So I'm going to tell Nicholas Cage you go about your business, fix this, and then you'll come back with me.
Speaker 2: And because the way he puts it is like, well, you go down there and you stop this, That's a win for me.
Speaker 2: If you go down there and they kill you, Well, that's also still a win for me, because then you go back to hell and then I go down there and I murder all of them.
Speaker 2: So this is just all a win, win.
Speaker 2: Win for your pal Billy Fix.
Speaker 1: Billy Bob Colt leader.
Speaker 1: He comes out onto the Thunderdome floor that you can see down below and he takes the baby from this woman who's been holding on to this kid for the majority of the movie.
Speaker 1: And while all these cult members dance around next to bonfire, nicholas Cage then decides to hop in his car and fire it up to go stop this child's sacrifice in this abandoned prison.
Speaker 1: That's what's going on here.
Speaker 1: So, billy Bob Colt leader, he gives some cuckoo speech about the blood of the goat and some of the nonsense and bulls***, and then he grabs the sacrificial knife, he raises it up in the air to kill the baby, and then Nicholas Cage blasts through the wall of this prison in his muscle car, exploding through a flaming pentagram which sets his car on fire.
Speaker 1: And this is all very ghostwriter inspired.
Speaker 2: Very much so.
Speaker 2: So he is wheeling around in this flaming car shooting cultists, yeah, and a couple of flunkies show up at the tower where Billy Fix and Amber Heard are watching all of this go down, and Billy Fix uses this coin, like that little dart that Yondu uses in Guardians of the Galaxy, where it just zips around and murders both of these dudes.
Speaker 2: In the commotion, amber Heard pulls the God killer I forgot she was in the movie And she points it at Billy Fix.
Speaker 2: And Billy Fix is like Hey, listen, nicholas Cage didn't steal that gun to stop me.
Speaker 2: If he killed me, another accountant would just show up and stop him again.
Speaker 2: So it's just to slow me down, and also I'm not trying to stop him right now.
Speaker 2: So you go to Nicholas Cage and help him out, and then I'm just going to sit back and watch and see how all this shakes out.
Speaker 2: So Nicholas Cage then finally faces off with Billy Bob.
Speaker 2: Colt Leader has a rocket launcher or something, a grenade launcher.
Speaker 1: Nicholas.
Speaker 2: So stupid.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage has his car, his flaming car, and they kind of play chicken with each other.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage drives Adam Billy Bob Colt leader fires the grenade, which explodes other explosives on the ground or something.
Speaker 2: I swear a 12 year old wrote this And then the car flies into the air long enough to have a flashback about Nicholas Cage's daughter again.
Speaker 2: And then the car lands on its hood while the woman holding the baby with the sacrificial knife is looking on and starting to get cold feet about the thought of killing a baby.
Speaker 2: Sure, like you do Like the first time is always the hardest.
Speaker 1: It's not like.
Speaker 1: this is baby Hitler.
Speaker 1: You give me baby Hitler, i'm going to kill baby Hitler.
Speaker 2: Well, sure you are Baby, Hitler sucks, but this baby is just a regular schmagular baby.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not baby, yeah.
Speaker 2: And so Nicholas Cage crawls free, murders a few more people on his way, yep.
Speaker 2: And then he gets shot in the back and Billy Bob Colt leader and his buddies start beating the shit out of him.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he starts beating him with that famous bone that belonged to Nicholas Cage's dead daughter, who died last week He says something like I'm going to beat you to death with the last part of your daughter.
Speaker 1: And then Amber Heard shows up and she says, hey, dickless, because he got no dick, uh-huh.
Speaker 1: And she fires the God killer at Billy Bob Colt leader.
Speaker 1: But she misses because the guns got a real kick and she hits the other cult member who isn't dead.
Speaker 1: Everyone else is dead, they've all been shot or run over by the flaming car.
Speaker 1: When this other cult member gets hit by this bullet, it blasts him backward so ferociously that he just explodes into this RV, which blows up into a ball of fire.
Speaker 2: That is correct Chad.
Speaker 2: And then, like God magic, just radiates outward in a wave.
Speaker 1: Billy Bob Colt, leader, staggers over to Nicholas Cage and he says well, this is all gone to shit.
Speaker 2: And he makes this big speech like Nicholas Cage, like I'm going to kill you.
Speaker 2: And Billy Bob Colt leader is like men have tried but nobody has been able to succeed.
Speaker 2: No creature on the face of this earth could kill me, mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: Meanwhile, nicholas Cage has crawled over to where the God killer has landed, after it flew out of Amber Hurd's hand, and he shoots Billy Bob Colt leader, who flies into the air Chad and explodes in a flurry of special effects.
Speaker 1: Because the movie's like oh shit, we're in 3D.
Speaker 2: There's like a swirl of palm trees and cars and all kinds of shit whipping around in the air, and then all that's left of Billy Bob Colt leader is the top of his skull, which falls smoking to the ground.
Speaker 1: Amber Hurd runs over and the woman who has the baby she hasn't killed it, so she's a remaining Colt member that's alive.
Speaker 1: Billy Fix walks over to her and he says I'm curious, would you have let him do it?
Speaker 1: And the woman just says nothing And Billy Fix says that's what I thought.
Speaker 1: See you soon, toodles.
Speaker 1: See, she's going to go to hell.
Speaker 1: She's not fat Lou, she's going to let a baby die.
Speaker 1: Fat Lou would have never done that.
Speaker 2: Then Chad Nicholas Cage gets this baby and he's like Hey, amber Hurd, listen, i know that this is way worse than getting an unexpected puppy for Christmas, but how about you take care of this?
Speaker 1: baby.
Speaker 1: Then David Morris, who apparently also made the eight hour trip.
Speaker 1: He shows up in the background with the other car from his garage watching all this go down.
Speaker 1: He and Nicholas Cage says David Morris will protect you as long as he can Love this baby.
Speaker 1: Make her yours, at least until the cops show up and arrest you for killing those two other cops.
Speaker 2: It's a good scale, because they generally don't want to arrest mothers.
Speaker 2: But she promises I'll take care of this baby, this little fucking baby.
Speaker 2: It's so fucking cute, Nicholas Cage.
Speaker 1: I love him so much.
Speaker 1: I'm going to be such a good mother.
Speaker 1: You could just shit.
Speaker 1: Wheeeeee.
Speaker 2: And then Nicholas Cage apparently dies.
Speaker 2: He just disappears.
Speaker 2: No, not yet.
Speaker 2: And so David Morris shows up to take Amber Heard home, whatever that is now, and when they look away, and then when they look back, billy Fix and Nicholas Cage are both gone.
Speaker 2: Yeah, assumedly back to hell.
Speaker 2: But that's not the case, chad, because they take off to leave the movie and leave us with a final scene.
Speaker 1: Yeah, were they just like hiding behind the tree or the flaming RV?
Speaker 1: Don't tell her, go hide.
Speaker 1: Okay, they're gone, we can come out.
Speaker 2: At that point Nicholas Cage pours a beer into the skull that he promised to drink out of it when all the business was done.
Speaker 2: And then he and Billy Fix just have a little chit chat about those suckers.
Speaker 2: They didn't realize that you couldn't really be killed.
Speaker 2: And Nicholas Cage is like you know, when you take me back, i'm still going to break out.
Speaker 2: And Billy Fix is like, well, you know, if you do, i think I'm going to look forward to that.
Speaker 2: Then they get in this car that Billy Fix summons from hell.
Speaker 2: apparently It's this 1957 Chevy 150.
Speaker 1: He like snaps his fingers and it just magically shows up.
Speaker 2: Nicholas Cage is like good car I'm driving, though.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then they drive back to hell.
Speaker 1: And the song Alive as sung by Mark Campbell.
Speaker 1: It plays because they couldn't afford that.
Speaker 1: Out of hell, or life is a highway, or what else would have worked there to kill a sunrise?
Speaker 2: The effects are so bad, These hell effects when they're driving back into hell.
Speaker 2: it just looks like video game bullshit.
Speaker 1: It looks awful.
Speaker 2: But it's clearly in 3D, so that's what you're there for And that's the end of the movie.
Speaker 2: That's the end of Drive Angry.
Speaker 2: That's it.
Speaker 1: It was a hell of a road trip.
Speaker 1: They went to hell and back One of the more bananas movies that we've covered in some time.
Speaker 2: This is in your wheelhouse.
Speaker 1: You kind of bring in like that What was the Dante's Oh Faust, yeah Faust, this is way better than that, Like.
Speaker 2: That movie is terrible.
Speaker 2: Terrible in a way that makes you feel bad.
Speaker 2: This movie is just kind of terrible in a way that is just dumb.
Speaker 1: This movie is terrible, but it's awesome.
Speaker 1: Terrible.
Speaker 1: If anything we describe sounds like something you want to watch, go check it out.
Speaker 1: We can't do it justice, but it's a mess, it's something, it's a movie.
Speaker 2: I'll say that Not a good movie, but it has some crazy shit that I've never seen in another movie.
Speaker 1: But next time on Pick Six Movies we're going to hit the open road with the most famous female duo that's ever taken a road trip and not lived to tell about.
Speaker 1: I'm speaking of none other than Thelma and Louise, A movie where both lead actresses were nominated for Academy Awards as best actress.
Speaker 1: Ridley Scott was nominated for best director.
Speaker 1: It was nominated for best cinematography and nominated for best screenplay.
Speaker 1: Did it win any of those Bo?
Speaker 1: You're going to have to come back in two weeks to find out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this seems way better a movie than we're used to doing.
Speaker 1: It is One of the things that we're trying to accommodate from.
Speaker 1: a lot of our feedback is hey, you guys really review a lot of shitty movies.
Speaker 1: Have you ever thought about doing something that isn't So?
Speaker 1: as we looked at this season, we thought, hey, let's try this on and see how it fits.
Speaker 1: What if we review a movie that is arguably good but maybe has some entertaining value and we can kind of make fun of it in our own special way?
Speaker 2: Still can goof on it.
Speaker 1: That's for sure.
Speaker 1: We can goof on anything.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: It's one of our superpowers, that, and dressing up Bo's cock to look like people named Richard.
Speaker 2: I also do one that's a dick kind and it's just a veteran funny man, richard kind.
Speaker 1: You ever put a dickie?
Speaker 2: on your dick.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, Chad.
Speaker 2: That's just silly.
Speaker 1: So we will be back in two weeks time to review a movie that I think won at least one Academy Award nominated for many, So that'll be a real first for us.
Speaker 1: Always like great review.
Speaker 1: You can email us: pick six movies at gmail.com
Speaker 1: You can find us floating around the Internet here and there about any final thoughts that you have when it comes to drive angry.
Speaker 1: How is that?
Speaker 2: half a cock, not in 3D.
Speaker 1: I will fingerpang you, not the way that you think the other way, unless, of course, you want it to be the way you think.
Speaker 1: I've got to make money.
Speaker 1: wait, you're seeing only pace to 13 an hour.
Speaker 1: It's a national shame.
Speaker 1: We'll see you in two weeks time, everybody.