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Most, if not all, of us will have dear friends who are unfaithful in their marriages. In this message, Pastor Mike Novotny speaks to the entire church as they seek, together, to help some of our brothers and sisters in their greatest time of need.
The episodes are the weekly sermons from 922 Ministries campus in Appleton, WI. St. Peter is in the north part of Appleton. The CORE is our downtown Appleton campus.
Happy Holy Home
Week 4 - The CORE
Pastor Mike Novotny
Good morning everyone. Welcome back to week number four of this year's Happy Holy Home. I got to tell you last night, I had a terrible Pastor dream, I'm not sure what you do or what you dream about but I had this dream and it was the third song right before the sermon, and I realized I had to preach and I was totally unprepared. So I don't know what church I was in. It wasn't this one. I go running through the lobby and half of you are standing in the lobby during the song and you’re all smoking. Why are you all? Why are you nuts? Why you why you why? And I go running in and I go into this church space and I realized I don't have my microphone and I grabbed it and the mic pack isn't working and I can't get anything a time where I'm wearing a baseball hat for some reason. Like you can't wear the hats or take the hat off. My hair is looking all bad. I don't like, no, it's just gonna be on TV and then I get up there and like the Pastor Michael, who is there was like this big ramp up to the stage where I was preaching and the guy who is like doing the intro was in a wheelchair and like, he slipped and his wheelchair just goes taking off down the ramp and I get out there. That's when I woke up. So I'm so happy to be here with halfway respectable hair and a microphone that works. Thank you for not smoking in the building. I'm excited. It's been tough but powerful. I hope you found this an important series. As we talked about relationships and marriage and living together, and infidelity and all these things that happen in life that we don't talk about enough, we've been opening a Bible to talk about them. We're on that plane today.
One of the toughest times I think to be a good friend, is when one of one of your friends cheats Or cheated on just something about that situation about that sin, that rattles even the strongest connections as friends, who want to be there with a love of Jesus, the light of Jesus but when one of your friends has chosen to cheat or their partner, has chosen to cheat on them, that's when the most difficult situations to know what to do and what to say None of your friends cheats and it's just totally in the pit of Shame. Seize the consequence up-close knows that it's all his fault. It doesn't even have ears to hear. The fact that God is love and Jesus forgives. Even this, it's hard, it's hard to be a good friend. Or when the same friend, maybe doesn't feel enough shame. Like isn't willing to face the consequences of what he did and just wants to move on to the future, not think about the past and not go over these same questions and conversations.
What do you say to a friend who is in that situation? Or maybe your friend, who was cheated on is so angry. So confused. And so furious that 100% of this is just on him or on her and they're not even willing to talk about anything else. But what they did and the sin that they committed When your friends hurting, but they needed to hear a hard truth. It's hard to be a good friend. Or maybe the flip side, when that person is so stuck with what must be wrong with them? And why they're not good enough or pretty enough or sufficient enough, and they feel totally inadequate, you're trying to encourage them with good news, True News but they don't have ears to hear it.
It's hard to be a good friend. And when you're not the only third wheel in the situation but there's maybe two parents and whole bunch of friends and other people from the Bible study and some people are handling it. Well, and some people are not, some people are picking sides pointing fingers suggesting “well, he really had it coming.” If only she would have done more of some people are running away from the messiness, the situation. Some people are getting too much in the middle of it without any boundaries. It's so incredibly complex and complicated. When friends cheats It is really hard to be a good friend. Now, I wish I didn't have to preach the sermon, but sadly, according to statistics soonerlater, if adultery doesn't happen to you or by you, it will happen near you, right? If one out of five husbands statistically will cheat and one out of eight wives will do the same. Then just by the numbers you're going to have a friend or a brother or a sister, or son, or daughter, or a mother or a father, or a next door neighbor or someone from your church who will pull you into a situation. You didn't choose but you're going to be there. That's the big question. We're going to wrestle with today's, what, what do you do and what do you not do? How do you help when everything is so complex and so powerful and so emotional? How can you be a good Christian and a good Christian friend? When a friend chooses to cheat?
Now, that's a huge question that probably deserves its own sermon series by itself, but I want to give you just a really high-level answer with an Open Bible and I love for you to write this down. So, a program, a pain. If you're watching at home, write this down to when friends, Chief the best thing that we can do. As Christians is to give them Grace and Truth.
And I chose those words with intention, give them All right, so this isn't about I'm Pro him or Pro her. I want to give them the one cheated, who cheated? In the one who has cheated on the betrayer and the betrayed, my job, as a Christian is to minister to their marriage, to minister to them. And when I do, I want to give them Grace and Truth. I want to give them Jesus and forgiveness, and compassion and empathy, Grace. But not just that. I also have to give them the truth. Obedience, holiness, humility, work. If I can come as a Christian with grace and truth with the law and the gospel to both people in the situation, I can't fix it and I can't flip a switch and make all the pain go away, but I can be a living breathing walking representation of what Jesus did in complex situations, just like that. If you heard that passage John one chapter 14, kind of described what Jesus was like and it says that Jesus came from his Heavenly Father full of grace and truth. So, 2,000 years ago, when Jesus was ministering to people, God In the Flesh. What was he full of grace and truth? He would meet people who had sinned. He gave him Grace and Truth, he met. But people who have sinned against, he gave them Grace and Truth. And so today I want to try to get particular and apply that. What does it mean to give Grace and Truth to the betrayer and the Betrayed And I need to warn you right up front. Normally, when I preach, I have a goal. And my goal is when you get into the car just thinking about church, and you're there with your kid, your boyfriend, your friend, who brought you, that you be able to say, oh, I remember the sermon was about boom member. We filled in that one, blank. That was the big idea. That's not going to happen today after the first time going through the sermon. I realized. Oh my goodness, this is so complex. Should I change the sermon? Should I have, you throw away? Your bulletins just come up with one big idea and then It kind of hit me but we can't because infidelity isn't like that. It's not just remember this one big thing, and you're gonna be amazing. It's messy, and it's complex, and it's complicated. And you stumble, it's like loving someone who's grieving. There's no one thing you can do to fix it. So, today, I'm just gonna warn you up front its going to be a lot of writing. A lot of notes. A lot of complexity, I'm not going to speak to you, to remember everything you write down, if you can, free coffee on me in the lobby, all right? But here's kind of my goal that maybe there's one thing. If you know someone who's cheated, just one thing from this message that you like, yep. Yep, yep. That's it. Just one takeaway and if you don't know, someone like that right now, I hope that you remember that this message happened that it's going to exist online. And that someday when that sin does get close to your life, you're going to have a resource to go back to re-listen to what we learn today from God's word, and you're going to be better equipped to help someone who desperately needs help. Art's run a cover, a lot of things for the cover Grace and Truth for the betrayer and the Betrayed. And I'm gonna start first of all, with your friend who was cheated on All right? So, grab that. And what does it look like? First of all, to give Grace to someone who was cheated on? There's my answer show up and share, Jesus.
That's what Grace looks like to show up and share Jesus. With a victim of infidelity, you don't have to be a professional marriage counselor, you don't have to read a hundred books on infidelity. The very basic thing you can do to be a powerful Advocate, and friend is just to show up and share Jesus. There's a proverb in Proverbs seven that says this. Better a neighbor nearby, than a relative far away.
Is that true? Like maybe my brother lives three states away, but if I have a friend who's closer to help me through something. It's so much better to have someone who just shows up, who sees your expression, who can read your nonverbals and help and that's what the Bible says show up. Be the friend, who's nearby the one who's there to read the room to get how they're feeling? And to respond with the word of God? It actually sounds pretty simple, but let me be candid with you. That it is not because here's what happens, most experts say. It takes between one to two years for a couple relate to turn the corner. After an act of infidelity to rebuild that trust, start thinking, things that are true and not just jumping to worst case conclusions to be able to forgive and move forward with hope into the future. In fact, true. That means you're going to have to show up not just for a cup of coffee to see how he's doing, but invest in the marathon of rebuilding that marriage. That means your buddy or your brother is going to need help this week and next week, and next month. And maybe next year And the fact is because infidelity is messy and embarrassing. He's probably not going to tell everyone that he knows he's not going to get up in front of church with the microphone and let everyone knows what's happening.
He tells 10 people. Or 8 people. Or five people.
And if you're just one of the five resources that he has, that means because there's fewer people to show up. That those two people need to show up more often.
And if that wasn't hard enough, you're going to need to find some extra time to show up the Dynamics of those conversations are going to change drastically, and it will not be easy. I remember a few years ago, we had a sermon series on friendship and I learned that friendships really survive. When overall you feel positive about the conversation, there's hard moments but there's a lot of jokes dumb memes. Funny things and experiences you have together but after infidelity happens. Lots of that doesn't happen.
It's not like you show up. How you doing? Oh, it's still tough. And how you doing? It's like a relationship. Does this? And you might be doing great and you have a little bit to share, but they're not doing so great. They need a lot of help and a lot of encouragement and a lot of prayer and I think that's why most Christians stop showing up. Like I wanted to be there as a friend that's really hard. And it's, it's kind of depressing to be honest and I just don't leave feeling great about it. And so, you know, you hold on for the 5K and then you drop out of the race. And so, God is saying to some of you today, it's time to show up.
They really need you.
If everyone burns out after six weeks, 10 weeks, three months, they're gonna have to try to heal for the next year. Two years without love and encouragement and friends in prayer.
Now, I'm not asking you to be God. Our God is the only 24/7 concert that exists. He's free. He's amazing. You don't have to sleep with your cell phone. Next your head so you can be there every single waking moment that he needs you, or she needs you, but I want to challenge you maybe with this, what if for the next year. You would commit one hour a week.
Okay, every Friday we're going to do coffee for the next 12 months. God can rebuild things, but it's going to be hard. So, every Friday we're getting together, when I talk about how you're doing good week that week, I'm gonna encourage you to pray for you. Forgive you, correct? You, what if you just showed up? Could you invest fifty two hours in a friend? When your friend needed you the most won't be easy. It'll be a 12-month marathon, but I think if you show up and bring that kind of Grace, you can be like Jesus.
And while you're showing up, You get to share Jesus.
That's the second thing that Grace looks like. I'm not sure if you've seen this up close, but sometimes when a person gets cheated on their whole identity crumbles, It's like their spouse was there, Rock. And then that rock moved. And going home, was their Haven and their refuge and their safe place. Except now it feels like shifting sand. When a person experiences that you can't depend on a human being entirely, it is such good news to hear about Jesus. Jesus is this Firm Foundation. He's the rock on which we stand here. We can never be shaken. We're so glad when we know that Jesus doesn't leave. He doesn't change. Doesn't cheat his move. He doesn't and he won't. It's amazing. Passage in the Book of Romans chapter 8, where the Apostle Paul says this. I'm convinced when he lists all these things. I'm convinced that there is nothing in all of creation that will be able to separate us from the love of God. That is in Christ Jesus. Our lord That's the Rock. You might be a total train wreck right now, but the mess of this moment says not separated you from the love of God, the God still loves you. Even though your head is running a million miles an hour, God is not going to leave you or forsake you in a person's trauma. They will forget that. Their greatest identity isn't as a husband, a wife, a perfect mother, or father, it's as a child of God.
And for maybe one year, you'll get to remind them of that every 7 days. God is the same. God is still love. Jesus is still forgiving. You get to preach it and preach it, and preach. And there's few things you can do that matter more, in this world than the share Jesus, with someone who desperately needs it. That's Grace.
And, Your same friend, will need truth.
Showing up giving them God's love. Amazing, that's part 1 of 4 but they're also going to need the truth. And here's a truth. I don't want you to forget. I shared it last week. I want to share it again today. The truth is that healing, the healing equation that equals time. Can you help me out times? Work times or account for a person to heal, it's gonna take some time to heal, trust in a relationship and it's going to take work from both the parties involved. And one thing that you're going to get to do as a friend when you show up is to remind them in a humble, gentle and respectful way that they're going to need some time. I've seen a lot of couples that have done this, like Fair. Rebuilding, rebuilding, rebuilding real belittling bad day. And they feel this dip like it's not working. And you get to be the friend who say, no, no. Like remember four months ago you were here and I'm sorry. It was a bad week. I'm sorry. You got triggered by whatever, but this is working, he's working, you're working. It takes time or to get back on track. Get back to where we were, going to remind them of the truth. That healing takes time.
And ready for the tough part. You're going to remind them that they got to work.
I reached out to a guy from her church in preparation for this series whose wife cheated on him. And I asked him, you know, as your pastor, as your friends, try to help you through the situation, what do you think you needed more of Grace or truth? Like did you really need me more than anything else to remind you? God is love. God is with you. He's not going to break his promise. Or did you need me and other people to come and say, hey, I know you're hurting but you don't get to hurt people. Two wrongs don't make a right. You don't get a free pass to break your vow and sin and without needing to think, guess what? My friend said. That's what I needed. He said I was so mad. I was so bitter. I literally wanted to see the other guy suffer. I wanted to see his relationships and his family completely fall apart. That was evil. It was wrong. It was sinful, but it was my natural reaction and I needed someone who loved me. I needed a good books, good podcasts, a good church and good friends to say, hey,
No. No, no, that's not going to make you better. It's not going to make you two better. It's not going to make God happy. You can't, you must not and you shall not. And it's a tentative situation because when a person is hurting, you don't kick them while they're down, but they really need you to give him the truth. Don't sin. It's not going to remedy the situation. It's going to feel good in the moment like a drug, and then going to be hungover the next day with your own iniquity. So don't
This is what friends do. Grace truth we show up and share Jesus. We remind them that healing equals time times. Work X work. I picture your job as a friend of a friend who's been cheated on like this. Wait, I don't pick these up very often. So let's see how this goes. All right, so it's a 25-pound way. I wanted to do an Anchorman. You remember that when she walks in the office 999 1000 I just did a thousand. Did everyone see this? So this 25-pound weight? Like even me as a scrawny guy this muscle right here is strong enough to lift a whole bunch. Not too many times but enough but this same weights with this muscle
I can't.
Marriage, without infidelity is like this, it's hard. It's not easy to love another person to say you first day after day, but it's possible. Right. It's not like I need a whole group of family and friends to be praying for me to be nice to Kim, if things are going well. She's loving me and I'm loving her back. It's not easy work, but it's possible work. But here's what happens, once infidelity enters the picture that this same weight, be nice to him, forgive her, put her first speak, their love language. Say, you first That same command from God.
It just gets so hard. And this is where friends come in. You can lift the way if a friend gets on the other end, a friend who has his other Faith muscles to lift it with you. But when a person is stuck in simply can't do something on their own, you can help bear that way with them, and they'll need you to do it. So I want to challenge you today, if you're thinking of a friend right now who's been cheated on, What can you do? What's a small little step that you can take to show them Grace and Truth to show up, share Jesus. Remind them how healing happens to do the good work that leads to Restoration and Hope.
I'm going to put this down before I drop it.
Because there's someone else we need to talk about today. So, we talked, first of all, about the one, who has cheated on now, let's kind of shift to Part 2. What about the one who cheated? How do you show Grace and Truth to them in that situation? Well, write this down. Here's what Grace looks like. Chris looks like showing up and sharing Jesus.
Is that sounds kind of easy. I want to repeat to you again today. It isn't
Because when a person chooses to cheat, what, when, for the sake of an escape, they bring Devastation upon their family and friends for you to take a step and meet them where they're at. We'll get people talking.
When that woman, like, Pursue. Just the high of that and left this trail of consequence in her wake, for you to meet her, or she's at will get people talking, it will not be easy. I think of what happened to Jesus in Luke chapter 15. Remember this, it says the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, this man welcomes Sinners and eats with them. What did Jesus do wrong? He was with him. And once Jesus took a step in their Direction, once he didn't kick them away from the table, once he broke bread with people who had hurt people,
Talk. But Jesus doesn't take sin, seriously. He acts like it's not a big deal. That's a tax collector. Who robbed my family.
And sadly, the same thing can happen when your friend cheats.
The fact that you spend time with them, this is it's happened to me before is like, what don't you take this in, seriously you think it's not a big deal, you know what that guy did? You know what she did? Listen, you can hate adultery as much as Jesus did. And love adulterers as much as Jesus did.
You can stay far, far away from the edge of infidelity in your personal life and yet draw close as can possibly be to someone who's fallen over the cliff. This is what God is calling you to because that person needs you to show up. And they need you to share Jesus.
I remember another guy from our church who had cheated on his wife, had crossed first an emotional line, and then a physical line, and thankfully by God's grace. He took his sin very seriously. She knew he'd messed up. He knew he couldn't go back, you know, it was foolish, evil, sinful. In fact, he knew that it was so bad. In the eyes of God, he had trouble believing the very basic things about the love, and forgiveness of Jesus. And that's why I got the chance to give him a lot of Grace.
I told him for the next 30 days, I'm going to text you. A Bible passage about God's forgiveness. Every single morning. Got the Bible app on my phone actually made it pretty easy to find a passage underline it click share text. And every single day when he woke up before the devil could pounce and say, how could you? So you can't be loved by God. He got Jesus, and Jesus, and grace, and grace, and forgiveness, and forgiveness. And I wonder
I want if you do the same thing,
Like, if you have a friend who's kind of stuck in that shameful spot, there's beating themselves up because they see the consequences of clothes could you just for 30 days? Give him Jesus, and Jesus, and Jesus, and Jesus, three times in a row. Now, some of you are thinking Pastor, Mike, I don't know the Bible that well, I wouldn't even know where to start. Let me give you a tip. Maybe you never heard of this before? Google. Yeah sure. Just Google verses on forgiveness, click return. And you will have more than 30 days where it's so easy. Leverage the technology to find those passages where God speaks of unconditional love, forgiveness, even for this sin and just keep Grace upon their heart till the soil of their soul softens and a little seed gets in and produces the hope and peace that we all want.
Your friend cheats since with grace looks like you show up, no matter what people say you sure are a whole bunch of Jesus.
And finally, last thing I need to share with you today. You give them truth. Well, what truth is your friend need to know. You might not know this but there's this healing equation that helps people get through adultery. I'm to write it down one last time because your friends gonna need to know it takes time and it takes work and it also takes work and your friends going to need to know. Yeah, you can't fix this in a week. The issues and problems and relationship that led to this confession. Probably lasted a long time. It's gonna take a long time to fix. And maybe most of all, what your friend is going to need is encouragement as they do. Good work. Let me say what I mean, my wife's a preschool teacher, she tells me often about the power of positive encouragement. Right. As an educator, she's just jumping on a kid. You messed up, you messed up. You messed up kid, just gets crushed. She's never good enough, right? And so she tries to catch him doing good and will say, wow, that was amazing. So when he does the good thing, she'll say that was amazing. And the kids like, sweets, I should do good things so he does more good things. She says well you did it again. That's amazing. And it just creates the cycle of encouragement in obedience, right?
Marriage is like that too. If I'm a husband and I do a really good thing, and my wife's like wow, thank you. And I'm like, well you're welcome. So I do the good thing again and she notices me and she holds my hand. Maybe she kisses me, maybe things go well for me for the rest of the day. You know, this is just a cycle of obedience and encouragement. I'm going to love you and you love me back. I put you first. Then you put me first. I try to meet your needs and you try to meet mine. That's how marriages work. But here's what happens when adultery gets in the way. Is that the person who cheated can do the right thing? But the person who cheated on is so hurt, it's really hard to respond.
Oh yeah. You wash the dishes. Great, if you want to sleep with her, this would be a better night.
Rights can take a long time for their hearts to soften and for their motivation to be to serve the spouse who cheated on them. And this is where friends like you matter so much because if your friend is doing the right thing and he's doing the work, he's probably not going to get a ton of encouragement and love and response from a spouse. But if you can come in and say, yes, God saw that. It's going to take some time, right? That's how healing works, but the fact that you are increasing the number of the work you're doing, you're on a good path. Don't change it. I know it was tough. I know you wish you would have noticed that it said something and would have thanked you for the work that you did, but it's still the right work. Even if he doesn't, even if she doesn't you get to be the person who responds with positive affirmation and they're going to need tons of it. You can encourage them with the words of Philippians to the Apostle Paul. Encourage us, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
This isn't about self. I'm not just being nice to you so you'll be nice to be back. No, rather in humility value. Others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others,
To put all this together. And you have the complex difficult way that you can help friends, who cheat you? Give them amend her grace and truth, all of it at once you show up and share, Jesus, that's Grace. You remind them of the healing equation. That's true. If you do it for both of them and it won't be better tomorrow or next week, but bit by bit things can change.
As some of, you know, for the past few weeks, we've talked about incredibly difficult topics. We talked about love and respect, we've encouraged husbands to act without being asked, we've encouraged wives and all spouses to remember, how much physical touch intimacy means often to their spouse? We talked about living together, the dangers of that getting too close to the line. We talked about how infidelity happens and how you get through it. And so, after all that difficulty, and maybe after all the difficult memories, it brings up. I want to leave you with a picture. Something that happened to me this week. I came home from a long day at work and they're this big wrapped in bright silver tin foil was banana bread.
And I don't know about you, but in my heart there's like Jesus. And it kind of depends on the kids are behaving. So often sometimes it's banana bread right here in the second spot behind you. It's so delicious. Isn't it with the chocolate chips are inside in the layer of butter is like you can measure it with your finger, like that that's as close to Heaven, as you can get here on Earth. You're welcome. So, I just, I'm like a vulture. I tear off the silver foil. My youngest daughter, Maya makes the banana bread and I just, I take like half the loaf in one night, it's so so good and then it hits me.
It is so delicious. It's so good. You know, the number one, ingredient of banana bread is Bananas. But not just any bananas. Bad bananas.
Is that baffling like you would never peel an overripe mushy nasty soggy banana and say this is delicious and yet somehow somehow a chef can take something that's nasty and bad and with the right extra ingredients can turn into something that is so so good. He's here, I'm gone. Adultery, infidelity is bad. None of us want it, but there is a Master Chef, a father in Heaven who can take that primary ingredients. And with enough other ingredients can turn it into something really, really good, not by itself. Person that situation, they need friends and family. They need Grace and Truth. Any people who show up and share Jesus, encourage them, applaud them. Remind them of the work. There's lots of other ingredients involved but you and I get to be the ingredients. We get to be part of the divine plan that God has of taking something that was so bad and somehow in some way with enough time turning into something really good.
That's something really good. Might be a restored marriage. It might be a couple who thought that they just couldn't do it and somehow they could. They got through it and got help from them and they communicated about everything and ended up stronger than they were before. That might be what God creates. Or. If the marriage doesn't make it, if the trust is too damaged, if he still wants to run off after his fling and not work on things at home, God can still use you to bring something really good. A person whose life isn't consumed by bitterness and vengeance. The person who's following Jesus, who can forgive the person who hurt them? And move forward with hope and a future because God is still here with me.
I want to leave you today with this. You matter so much. You are the way that God brings good out of evil things. It won't be easy. It might be some of the hardest work you've ever done, but sometimes what's hard leads to a happy and a holy home.
Tell me wrap up the series with a blessing from the book of Jude. Because what Jesus is half-brother wrote to the early Christians.
Be merciful to those who doubt. Save others by snatching them from the fire. Two other show, Mercy mixed with fear hating, even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh. Now to him to God who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy to the only God our Savior be glory Majesty, power and authority through. Jesus Christ, Our Lord before all ages now and forevermore .
Lift your voice with me and say, Amen.