Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
Hello, beautiful humans, and welcome back to Conversations with Thomas, where we stir
the pot of truth, sip from the mug of self -awareness, and occasionally burn our
tongues on a tea. I'm your host, Thomas Kevin Dolan, pronouns he and him. This
podcast is recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii, on the unceded Aina or land of the
Kanakamale, the indigenous people of Hawaii. I live and work in the neighborhood of
Kakako and I honor the deep stewardship of this land. Today's episode is entitled,
"Your Truth Doesn't Need Approval." And oh honey, this one may sting a bit,
but in the best possible way. Like slapping aloe on a sunburner, getting the tattoo
you've always wanted, a little ouch, a lot of meaning. So let's dive in.
Approval. Wow, it has been addictive in my life and I believe today there's an
epidemic of it. You know that a hit of dopamine when someone says to you,
"Wow, I love that for you." Yeah, science says that's not just validation, it's a
full -blown neurological reward. According to studies from UCLA, The brain lights up
in the reward centers when we receive social approval. It's like our inner corgi
gets a treat for rolling over. But here's the rub. If we're constantly craving
approval, constant craving, the line from Katie Lang's song, we're outsourcing our
self -worth to people who don't even have the credentials to grate us. How sad is
that? Audrey Every Lord shares this, "If I didn't define myself for myself,
I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive." Phew!
Audrey did not come to play, so neither will we. And there's the trap of what I
call the polite lie. Approval seeking can feel like being stuck in a permanent game
of charades where you're pretending to be someone's you're pretending to be someone
others will clap for you lie politely constantly you shave off the edges of your
truth like you're whittling yourself into a shape that will fit into someone else's
life that oh my gosh i breathe into some pain when i tell you that i spent so
much of my life Shaving off the edges of my truth, just to be loved and liked.
Oh, still a little pain, I have work to do. And then one day you wake up and
you've forgotten the shape of your own soul. I love the wisdom of Bill Hooks.
The moment we choose to love, we begin to move towards freedom, to act in ways
that liberate ourselves and others. And I think the point is this, real love doesn't
ask you to shrink. It doesn't need you to please. Real love is approval agnostic.
Isn't that cool? Real love is approval agnostic. I like that one. Here's a story
from my own life, from my memoir, Little Fag. The chapter is called "Striving for
Flawlessness." And honestly, it's one of the raw truths I've ever had to actually
write down. I grew up performing perfection.
Shiniest shoes, best hair, nicest manners, Mrs.
Rudolph, the mom of my best friend, Peter, said I was the most polite little boy
in the world. I memorized my prayers. I danced with girls when I was told to.
And I made damn sure not to say anything that might not let the truth slip out.
I made
I'd lose being liked. And I fear for me as a little guy, was that somebody would
kill me because I was gay. That drive for perfection, it was a survival tactic.
And as I wrote in the book in that chapter, what I braved in my life, finally at
the age of 29, was letting go of who I thought the world wanted me to be and
instead choosing to embrace who I was. That coming out didn't arrive with a parade.
There was no choir of affirmations or spiritual confetti. But what it did bring me
was breath. For the first time in my life,
I exhaled. It wasn't about being seen as perfect anymore.
It was actually about being real, fully, unapologetically human.
That shift didn't mean everyone approved. Lord knows there were a lot of folks that
didn't approve with the fact that I was gay. Some people stepped away, some were
confused, some literally disappeared. And from that day in August in 1988,
Those that have disappeared, I literally have never seen again. But the freedom I
found when I stopped chasing their nods and started standing in my own truth, that
truth, it was electric. And maybe the most important part,
I didn't need to convince anyone. My truth stopped asking for a permission slip. And
that's when I truly began to live. Because the truth, and I think you get this,
because when the truth, your truth, when you don't need to have it applauded,
you get to live it.
Here's a thought.
I'm going to ask you some questions and they're connected to you with this question.
Are you addicted to approval?
This is a breath of practicality in today's podcast. I want to walk you through a
five question, I call it an approval inventory and from the most truthful place
inside of you, and you don't have to share this with anybody, from the most
truthful place inside of you, I'm going to ask you to answer from that place.
Question number one, when you share your truth, do you immediately scan for someone's
reaction.
Number two, do you find yourself editing what you say mid -sentence?
Number three, do you call yourself too much before anyone else can?
Number four, do you say yes when that gorgeous soul of your screams no and finally
number five would you rather be liked than be known
if yes to three or more of these shut up for you you're in really great company
you're not alone but you may be sacrificing peace for politeness because remember The
truth doesn't ask for permission. There's something electric about declaring who you
are and not waiting for a round of applause. Imagine if Harriet Tubman waited for a
permission slip. Imagine if James Baldwin waited until people were ready. Imagine if
Lizzo waited for body positivity to trend. I love how Angela Davis puts this.
then this lands really hard on truth. She states, "I am no longer accepting the
things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept." I'm going to
assert that your truth might not win you fans or in -laws, but it will give you
peace. And maybe that peace is priceless. I remember discovering it slowly from kind
of 1988 forward.
Priceless. Right. My peace is priceless. Give this a world. Try this. I call it
truth in practice. This week, this week, in each day, speak one uncomfortable truth
out loud every day. Say it in a way that doesn't have you soften.
Don't explain it. Don't justify it. Just let it land.
You're not being cruel. You're being clear.
I've added a short smart practice you can seemingly add to help you stay void and
disentangled from approval addiction. Just another little takeaway for you today
because this is deep. This is deep soulful work. And many of you may be familiar
with mirror work. This is perhaps a little simpler. I call it daily mirror check
-in. So each morning, find a mirror, look in the mirror, and say one true thing
about yourself, something you know to be true, something you know to be real,
even if no one else ever plots it. The key is to speak it out loud, make eye
contact with your reflection.
It's a daily reminder that your truth starts with you, not with somebody else's
reaction. And let me share with you an example from my life. Let me just get quiet
for a second.
I have survived what was meant to silence me, and I choose to live out loud.
I have survived what was meant to silence me, and I choose to live out loud. It
honors my personal journey, my voice, and my ongoing choice to live authentically.
Regardless of external approval, I don't give a shit.
It's simple, strong, and rooted in the truth of my story. Let me take a quick
pause here. Are you exhausted from performing for approval. From editing your truth
just to be liked. I get it. I lived it. But here's the deal. Your truth doesn't
need permission. It just needs you. In my coaching, we don't polish masks.
We unearth the real one. The one you stopped performing. The one who started
breathing. The one who knows peace is better than applause. If you're ready to stop
outsourcing your worth and s -
Now, let's get into the part that doesn't get talked about enough. What happens to
us physically, emotionally, spiritually, when we don't tell the truth?
Let me break it down.
Our physical health.
I found a study from the University of Notre Dame, the University of Notre Dame,
that people who lie less have fewer headaches, less anxiety,
they sleep better, and even have lower blood pressure. Our bodies are not built to
carry contradiction. Stress hormones spike when we suppress what we really feel,
the impact on our emotional health. When you suppress the truths, you also suppress
intimacy. You're not just hiding what you feel you're hiding who you are,
this creates literally a fracture in your self -concept. That fracture can show up as
depression, anxiety, or the vague sense that you're just off.
The impact is also connected to your identity. I call it identity confusion.
Psychologist Carl Rogers said, "What I am is good enough If I would only be it
openly. Wow, that one rings true for me. Ooh, what I am is good enough.
If I would only be it openly. Not telling the truth. Fractures are in total
compass. We literally gaslight ourselves. We start asking, do I really feel this way?
Yes, you do. You're just terrified to say it. The impact on our relationships,
compromise the relationships.
You're not close to people who love your mask. You're close to people who love you.
When you lie or hide, you literally rob people of the opportunity to love you who
you are. Let me share a story about my father. I went to him to tell him that he
was gay and a big collection of my world said not to. And when I finally got to
the point where I said, "Father, I'm gay." He got up, walked past me, somebody told
me he was going to beat me up. He took a drink, turned around, he was crying, "I
love you. You're my son. Here's what I did. By not listening to folks around me,
I gave myself an opportunity for my father to of his authentic son.
I could have robbed him of the opportunity to love me for who I was, but instead
I told him the truth. And he would eventually say to me, "I went over one time
and he had this big revelation, 'Son, I need to tell you something.' I sat down. I
said, 'What is it, Dad?' He said, 'I left the church. The Catholic Church doesn't
support my son, I'm no longer supporting the Catholic Church. That opportunity for
him to love me because I told him my truth, regardless of how it was he could
hold it, created just a huge, huge amount of additional love in my relationship with
my father. Oh, so don't rob people the opportunities to love you because you're
afraid to tell them your truth. Let's talk about nervous system deregulation number
five somatic therapists will tell you holding in truth keeps your nervous system in
a state of hypervigilance you're always bracing you're on high alert telling the
truth even in small doses can down regulate your nervous system and restore
regulation calm and rest right who new. You probably have somebody in your life that
you're aware is maybe not telling their truth to you or to the world. Can you
remember how it is it feels to be with them? How hyper they are?
Because they don't know.
They don't know the last lie that they told because they haven't told the truth.
Imagine wanting to kind of keep up on that bit of a hamster wheel. Wow. Nervous
system deregulation. The sixth. And I don't mean this to sound dramatic,
although I love the drag queen, the dramatic part of me that I can be. No,
I don't claim that I'm a drag queen, although I love drag queens. Soul death.
All right, not to be dramatic, but yeah. When you betray,
when we betray our truth long enough,
we don't just lose peace, we lose presence. Oh, that's painful. We don't just lose
peace, we lose presence. We become spectators of our own lives. And you,
my love, we're not born to spectate. Here's an exaltation from Maya Angelou,
and please, Please, let this one land. There is no greater agony than bearing an
untold story inside you. My book personifies this wisdom precisely.
I needed a vehicle where I could plunk my voice through a book out in the world.
And in a book in me, somebody said to me, "What's that like?" Now knowing that
your truth is out there, But in all its glory, in all of its opposite of glory,
I said, "It's freeing."
I think he asked, "Did you care what people think? I don't care what people think.
I cared what I thought, and that's why I wasn't telling my truth. I made up a
story that you might not like my truth, so I stopped telling it.
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you, Maya Angelou." So
the next time you think, "I can't say that," ask yourself this instead, at what
friggin' cost?
Let me close with these thoughts.
There's this idea that truth has to be loud to matter. But some of the most
powerful truths are whispered.
Your truth doesn't need a megaphone. It doesn't need a panel of judges. It just
needs you. It needs you to believe it's enough.
So go be with me, that weird, wild, wonderful version of yourself that exists
beneath all the approvals you've ever chased. The world doesn't need another agreeable
echo. It needs you.
Telling the truth is a radical act. It's holy.
It could be disruptive. But most importantly, it's healing. And it's what this world
desperately needs right now. And I'm going to assert it's what you need right now
to know your truth and to be able to share your truth. So this week, live like
your truth is sacred. Because guess what? It is. If this episode stirred something
in you, it certainly stirred something in me. There's a lot more animation in
telling you this than when I sat down to write the script for this. Yeah, it
stirred something in me. If it stirred something in you, I want to share. I want
to invite you to share that with somebody who perhaps needs a reminder. You don't
need a permission slip to be real. Inviting you to subscribe to the podcast, leave
a review and if you're feeling brave, tag me with your biggest truth -telling moment
this week. I want to, I want to cheer you on. And remember, these conversations are
here to inspire and support, but they're not a replacement for professional care. If
you're navigating tough mental stuff, please reach out to a licensed therapist or
health care provider. This podcast, and you've heard this before, is created with a
lot of love, lived experience. Oh, this path that I have walked. It has also
created with just enough research to keep things curious. And of course with the
added tech magic of my wonderful husband, Adamah, my co -executive producer. Until
next time, my friend, they've heart -centered. Heal honestly and go ahead like me and
laugh through the mess.