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For anyone who’s been in the opposite place of where they want to be 🩷
Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸
You're listening to Behind The Blonde.
Hi, I'm Kirby Myers and this is a
podcast for anyone who's ever been in the
opposite place of where they wanna be.
I am so excited for today's episode.
I know that you've heard a lot about him.
I have been sharing a lot of
our story because our story
is a big part of my story.
And when we left off last week, I talked
about how I removed alcohol from my life.
Which affected every
facet of my relationship.
So with me today is my husband
and also my absolute best friend.
I'm so excited.
Britt Myers, welcome to the show.
I'm excited to be on the show.
And your first guest, I
think I'm your first guest.
You're my first guest.
Alright.
And Kirby said, uh, hey, would you like
to come on and share your most, intimate.
And interpersonal, lifestyle
secrets on a podcast.
And I said, sure, why not?
So I'm so excited about that.
But no, I am, I'm honored and
you've been doing a great job.
And to come on with you and
listen to it and be a part of
it, um, uh, I know I'm context.
You have to, you have to let
people know I exist and that, uh,
well, you're not just context.
So Brit is actually
going to be our regular.
Monthly guest host, and today
we're gonna talk about something
that has been really huge.
I've mentioned before that this
podcast, it's not just about addiction,
but addiction and overcoming that
is a huge part of my story, but
there are so many things that I
wanna cover and relationships.
And sex and parenting and building
businesses, so Britt and I are
going to discuss a lot of those
things as we move forward.
But today, since I have been laying the
foundation of my story of finding this
sobriety and allowing that to be the
best version of myself and continuing
to work on that every day, because as I
remind everybody out there and myself.
It is constant work.
It will never be done.
But it is that wanting, it's that
knowing of continuing to get better.
And I think that that parlays
into relationships as well.
And so for Britt and I, when we
met, as you heard last time, it
was really one of these crazy
stories that I didn't think existed.
It was truly one of those stories
where you just meet your person and I
remember describing to somebody once
when I met you, it was just like, oh.
There you are.
Like, I didn't know that I'd been
waiting for you my whole life.
It was really that simple, and then it
was that fucking complicated and it's
gotten complicated and and treacherous.
I mean, we have gone down to just.
Some really deep, dark places over
the courses of the years, but I
said last time, we've come out
stronger and stronger and stronger.
So I really wanted to bring Britt
on today because I know that over
the years I've had a lot of people
ask me what it looks like for.
Your partner, when one person in a
relationship chooses to stop drinking and
drinking is a big part of your lifestyle.
We were just actually at breakfast
with our daughter and we were chatting
with her about how we were gonna
do the podcast and about drinking
and about how in our generation
now I just turned 40, Britt's 48.
How when we grew up, drinking
was such a rite of passage.
It was just something that everybody did.
Yeah, I think, you were talking about
some of the differences maybe between,
my take on drinking and being, being a
guy particularly, and I know it applies
to everyone, but you know, the way I
grew up, probably the way a lot of people
grew up, a lot of guys, is drinking's
really, when you think about it's tied
to ego, is tied to, hey, you know, your
social status, how much can you drink?
Can that guy hang?
Uh, how much did you just have?
How many shots can you do and still keep
going, you know, go to the golf course.
And I think when you talk about that.
Um, I also wanna be careful.
Your podcast talks about this and your
struggles and, and your accomplishments
and all that comes with it.
And, you know, I, I know
you do a great job of this.
Certainly not an indictment of anyone else
and how they wanna live their life, right?
Totally.
So, um, it's just sharing why
it's been great for you and it's
been good for me and, and, and
how you brought me along on that.
But yes, I was conditioned most of my
life, uh, starting in high school that.
You know, to be part of
the crowd, to really hang.
And I played sports and did
all the things, and I have ego
and I get that that's a part of
it, but how much can you drink?
And so, you know, whether you are
genetically, you know, scientifically an
alcoholic or if it's just something that
you build a tolerance to at some point.
It's really just a part of your
life when you drink that much.
It's not just something you
have to have in the morning per
se, but it is something that.
You really can't detach
it from your social life.
It's part, it is everything you do.
Where am I going tonight?
What event is it?
Who are we hanging out with?
But, you know, what are we drinking?
Um, so I think when you talk about
this and I listen to your podcast,
I think about when it stopped.
I, it changed who I was.
It changed who you were.
It changed when we met.
It was who we were.
And then we became different people.
So.
I think there's fears and
we'll talk about that.
I was gonna say, it was really
scary, I think, for both of
us, for different reasons.
Yeah.
I still gotta love this person that,
you know, you talk about falling
in love instantly, but we fell in
love as heavy drinkers and now you
know, are we those same people?
You know, do we still have something that
clicks and those things are scary and.
You talked about losing friends, that
you don't really lose friends, you just
lose people or whatever it might be.
But I don't necessarily agree with that.
So I have our first podcast disagreement.
I, I'm here for it.
Um, I still have, uh, I still have
people that I know I could call right
now that would be there for me that I
used to hang out with all of the time.
I can think of some names here, but,
I've been on the other side of that.
I remember when I drank all the time
when someone would show up that didn't
drink and it was sort of like, ooh,
like, I don't know, like you don't
dislike 'em, but they're not really
on the same level, on the same, you
know, they don't have as much fun.
I was 100% that person , , I
was the biggest pusher I.
Everybody to be on the same page.
I would pour heavy and it was like I
wanted to amp the party up so I continue.
But yeah, that was a big thing.
No, I'll keep talking out.
First of all, I will say real quick
as an as a side note, um, we've done a
po I have a podcast and it's no plug.
I don't do it much anymore.
Plug baby.
But you, the one time you came on the
podcast with me, just you and I, the only
feedback I got was for me to shut up and
let Kirby talk more and you can see why.
And, uh, so.
I wanna be conscious of that
today, but I am the guest.
But, uh, I will say on the losing friends
note and drinking, that was a really
tough thing for me because socially
that's what connected me to most people.
Mm-hmm.
And when you stop doing it, it's not
necessarily, you can't be friends anymore,
but you realize like, man, a lot of
the things we did was through drinking.
It was through having cocktails together
at night and that kind of thing.
And when you take a step back out
of that, they don't necessarily, no
one's mean no one, but they don't
really want you around or you're not
really kind of , on the, on the list
anymore, and you don't really want to.
Do that anymore because
it's such a different vibe.
It doesn't mean drinkers and non-drinkers
can't hang out, but you're talking
about the context of good friends or
who you thought were good friends.
I don't see them as not friends anymore.
Someone I couldn't call and
confide in, I just see it more as.
You know, we've lost that
thing that we enjoyed together.
'cause I enjoyed drinking.
I really did.
So I didn't wanna point,
point that out too.
It's not like I sitting here and,
and calling people out or seeing
how horrible it might be for
somebody or somebody that it's not.
Uh, I certainly enjoyed having a drink
and a cocktail or a beer here and there.
And you can still do that.
By the way, Brit still
has the occasional drink.
It's far and few between, but he
does not have that chip that I have.
He can have one or two beers on
the golf course and then stop.
Like, that was never an option for me.
It's funny 'cause I guess sort of the,
the progression of this thought is.
I had drank so much for so long, like a
lot of people, you know, and I could hold
my drinks like a lot of people could.
And I put pride in that.
If you, if you really think your
egos totally can separate from that.
It's not, it's like,
look how much I can hold.
I put pride in drinking
how much you could drink.
I was like, I had to keep up with you.
That was part of it.
Right.
But the flip side of that is funny
how quickly when I stopped drinking
as much and a big part of, we'll
talk, I know you wanna get into.
My progression to drinking less and
how that looked when you stopped.
And I was still sort of doing it.
And were we completely gonna be
honest with each other that you
wanted me to drink less and could we
coexist in this realm before I drink?
And you didn't.
But the truth is, uh, the, as
I drank less and less, it got
easier because my tolerance got
less and less, and I realized how
much I didn't like the feeling.
Mm-hmm.
And, and that it took.
It took time.
And I think the way we did it not
knowing and not even knowing how
to navigate it, we just did it.
And I think you gave me that grace.
Um, and I always, some way, it wasn't
always, it wasn't always beautiful or,
or rosy, but um, had I had, you just
come to me the day and I know, and again,
I know for some who are dealing with
alcoholics in the family and, and you
get home and the alcohol needs to be
out of the house, there's just, and if
you love that person, you need to stop.
And I get that.
So I'm certainly not making light of that.
But for me.
You were able to give me that grace
in some way or another where it
was a progression and I did less
and less, and that that was a
lot easier for me than someone to
come and say, you gotta stop now.
You just can't do it.
Well, I appreciate that.
I mean, to be fair, I don't always,
I don't feel like I was that way.
I mentioned last episode that I felt
like I was unintentionally playing
games in a way where I knew that I
needed you to stop, but I couldn't
say it because I didn't wanna.
Put you in a corner because my
fear, like your fear of the social
life and losing all that, my
fear was I was gonna lose you.
And I don't wanna start crying, but
I just was so terrified that if you
didn't have those outlets and I had
all of a sudden become the girl.
I mean, our social life was insane.
We were everywhere.
All of the time.
We were at every event, every party.
I mean, if there was an excuse or
a reason to go out and get dressed
up and drink, we were there.
And, and I loved it.
I mean, I loved it too.
I loved that part of it.
I loved that first hour, second hour.
But then again, in that witching
hour, I was the one that was
then alone, still drinking.
So for me.
When I knew that this had to be
my new normal and I didn't know
if you were gonna come along with
that to just say you had to stop.
I wasn't capable of doing that
because my thought of could I live
without this man was so unbelievably
terrifying because I knew deep down
inside, if I'm being fully honest,
which we've had all these conversations
now and again, this has taken, I
talked last episode too about time.
These things take so much time.
This has been years, I mean, years.
In the making of us getting to a place
where we could really be open and
honest and talk to each other about
how we really felt and communicate.
And I think that one of the biggest
things for me that changed for the
best with us was looking back, I think
we, we've always been best friends,
but I don't think our communication.
Really was super healthy until
we stopped drinking because we
were able to have these really,
really honest, clear conversations
with each other and move forward.
But if I had put a line in the sand,
I was so scared that I would lose you.
But underneath it all I knew that.
I would not be able to long term be in
this relationship if you kept drinking
on the level that you kept drinking.
So you being able to get to that
progression on your own was amazing.
So I am curious if that progression,
was that initially because you were
afraid you would, like, was it the
opposite, but similar that you were
afraid you would lose me if you didn't?
Fo where we kind of like, I think
that's always the, there's so
many dynamics that come with it.
I think that's a big part of it.
I think, you know, and I think
that's why you have me here talking
today for others who are listening.
What if my husband or my wife or
my partner, whatever that looks
like, does it and I don't, or they
don't fully commit, and I don't
think there's any one answer for it.
I know for me, I'm a guy, and
again, ego and all that, I
don't like being controlled.
I don't like anyone telling me.
How I have to do something
or what I have to do.
And I think that most guys would
admit I'm really good at nagging too.
Yeah.
Uh, so, uh, we have a code word,
by the way, it's called Mc Loven.
If I repeat myself, he says Mc
Loven, and then I have to zip it.com.
I highly recommend that.
So, but yeah, I don't think
anyone likes being controlled.
And so, and I think when people listen,
you know, if they're just the casual
person talking to you about drinking.
And they talk, you know, they're
hearing about not drinking and, and
this choice and what it looks like.
They might even feel a little bit
like, oh, they're, that person's
trying to tell me how to live, right?
Mm-hmm.
Like, they, they have a, you know, and
it feels someone like you're being talked
down to or told how to live, which I know
is not the case with what you're doing.
You're, you know, you're,
you're bearing what's been a.
Transformative moment for you
and, and, and enhanced your life
and our relationship and me.
But for me, and during that time, looking
back, I didn't like being told what to do.
I wanted to do it on my terms
regardless if I was still
being, you know, uh, persuaded.
And, and you, I think you did
feel that at times, though.
I think some of our biggest absolutely
came from the fact that you felt like I
had this sense of greatness at this point.
And I didn't mean to come across
like that, but maybe I was.
Hmm.
With you saying it in a way that made you
feel like, oh, I found the light and you
haven't, and it made you feel less than
and it would get, you would feel defensive
and it would cause a lot of strain.
It can feel preachy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's not, not necessarily, you're
always doing that and you weren't always
doing that, but it can feel preachy Yeah.
On the other side of it, right?
Yeah.
It can feel.
You know, how dare you tell me.
Um, especially when we met this way,
and then there's, so all these other
things you're navigating, um, that will
come into play for anybody who is in
our shoes or in our shoes and, and going
down this road like, you know what if I
keep drinking a little bit and you don't?
But the circle of friends, the
couples we would hang out with.
Now, am I going on my own?
Yeah.
You know, and it starts to feel like,
almost like, uh, not a divorce, but a
piece of you is divorcing from each other.
Right.
And I really don't think long
term you could go, you know,
it is, it'd be difficult.
And there's probably people out there
that have their, can do a podcast and
talk about it, who have made it work, that
drink heavily, and the other one does it.
Mm-hmm.
But I think to have the level of
intimacy and the relationship, at
least for me, there's no way at
some point something had to give.
And you probably see
that a lot with couples.
One stops drinking for a bit
and comes back to it, or what?
Or one has to come the other
way because it, it, there's just
a gap between the day-to-day
lifestyle of who you hang out with.
Yeah.
Um, and again.
Doesn't mean you can't
hang out and lot drinks.
Well, and I mentioned that, I
brought that up last episode as
well, that, you know, I quit.
The first time I ever gave it a real
college try was, um, for a couple months.
And I came back to it when you were kind
of still, you know, drinking and I just
felt like I didn't really, it was almost
like if you can't beat him, join him.
I don't know.
That's a bad way to say it,
but that was, it was easier.
It was easier.
It was easier because I was.
So alone, I felt so lonely.
I didn't mention this, but during
that period, that's when I did go
to two women's meetings at aa and I
think AA is a fantastic program and
it's helped millions of people, but
it just wasn't, it wasn't for me.
It didn't align with me.
And so doing it on my own, not doing
it with rehab, not doing it with,
you know, counseling and just like
grin and bearing it, if you will.
When I did come home that day and you
were here, and it wasn't like you guys
were blackout, but you know, you'd
been drinking, watching football, and
I was just so fucking tired of this
fight in myself and it was just easier.
And then, you know, as I said, it was
four months of just me getting really.
You know, absolutely
disgusted with myself.
And then I quit for good.
And I'm trying to think the timeline
when I quit, I think it maybe was about
a year or so afterwards when you really
started to drink less close to a year.
Yeah.
And, and again, so many
factors coming into it.
The social circles, drinking
less, less tolerance.
And I'd, I'd find that I, and
again, I know some people struggle.
Minorly with just waking up in
the morning and needing a drink.
Mm-hmm.
Or go four, you're sober, and
then suddenly it's just, I, I
can't imagine having, I'm thankful
I don't have that struggle.
Yeah.
Um, but my tolerance, having
less tolerance over time really
helped me because I just didn't.
I didn't want it as much because
when I did, man, you talk about
really filling the effects Yeah.
The next day.
Or even just filling too much
sugar and stuff, mixers or
whatever it is in my stomach.
It just wasn't there anymore.
So that made that easier.
I think the toughest part
for me was the social mm-hmm.
Uh, portion of it.
And still to this, to this day.
Um, somebody says, when
do you most want to drink?
You know?
Yeah.
And you, and you know, I go up
with the guys and have a couple
beers on the golf course Yeah.
Type of stuff here and
there, and even less of that.
Um, but.
The toughest part for
me is the social scene.
If I'm out and there's a group of people
just having that glass in my head.
Yeah.
Or having something just to sort of
feel the con the social connection.
Totally.
And I know that sounds silly.
No.
But when you stop doing it and you've
been doing it most of your life, I guess
I hear, uh, I never smoke cigarettes,
but I, I hear similar people say.
Sometimes it's just holding
that cigarette in my hand.
Yeah.
You know, and for me it's holding
that cocktail glass in my hand.
Mm-hmm.
Or having that beer, um, or
a glass of wine with a steak.
You know, just something that
makes me feel, well, there's
a romanticism to it as well.
I mean, you talked about something
that I think, again, with our
generation and anybody can relate
to, that's, you know, maybe.
35 and up, especially 30 and up.
We did have this upbringing
where it was marketed to us.
It was glamorized to us.
It was the cool thing to do.
All the cool kids drank, you talked about,
and I really appreciate you acknowledging
that in the uh, male society that it
is, it's this MAs it's gets tied to
masculinity where I remember when I quit
and we would be at events together, I
would overhear, I'd overhear some guys,
you'd be like, no, I'm not having one.
'cause you were maybe being, you know,
respectful of me on that evening.
And it was kind of like.
You know, they'd almost hit your
arm and be like, oh, come on, bro.
Like, what's your, it was
almost like you're not cool if
you're not having the drink.
The bro society, the bro society.
Yeah.
Even kind of, we'd kind of poke fun
at the guys, but most, there's a lot
of guys, you know, counting beers as
they drink, or, or the stories the next
day, the most romanticized stories,
the next day is, Hey, did you see Bob?
He drank a whole handle of
something, or whatever it is.
And we put a lot of, you know, some of
it's humorous, some of it's a little
bit real, like, hey, he, he can do it.
But the truth is, and, and.
Still have a lot of fun
drinking with the guys.
Yeah.
I mean, I, some of my best
memories are drinking with my
buddies at ball games and trips.
Sure.
And still, and socializing.
But, you know, I can trace back
most bad decisions I ever made in my
life and bad things that happened.
Um, and things that had long-term
effects and some short term and
relationship effects and everything else.
Drinking was.
Probably, almost probably was
involved every single time.
So to that point, relationship wise,
you know, obviously friendships
you just mentioned, but intimacy,
relationship wise, I think that.
We leveled up and we continue to do that.
And that's my favorite thing about
you is that I fall in love with you.
I think we fall in love with
each other over and over again.
I've never fallen out of love with
you, but we've been at points where
it's been really, really scary and I
think that being with somebody that
you can fall in love with over and
over again is the most beautiful thing.
But I think that to your point, not
having it anymore just gives you this
whole 2020 lens on your relationship and
you're able to go back to the basics.
And like when you said we met and we
drank so much when we removed it, I think
the scary part to your point is are we
still gonna have all this in common?
And I knew that we were best friends,
but all of a sudden, when you're not.
Going out all the time and
you're just home on the couch.
It's just you and me we're finding
out like, are we really, do we
really have that much in common?
Are we really that, you know, can
we just hang out and not talk and
be to in total comfortable silence
and love each other's, you know,
company without some big conversation.
And then on the flip side, can
I talk to him about, absolutely.
Everything that's on my mind,
which obviously you, I could not
have a more supportive partner.
So that was such a beautiful
experience to find in a relationship.
So even though that's really scary,
I guess what I'm saying is at
the end of the day, it's kind of.
Uh, just such a beautiful
transformation to find out what's
underneath it all, what's really
left there when you get down to this
cellular level without anything else.
And you also did bring up smoking.
Brit was never a smoker.
I want to publicly apologize
for my breath, and I'm like.
If somebody loved me, like there was never
a question that you must have been head
over heels in love with me because the
amount of cigarettes that I smoked and
the alcohol and waking up in the morning
and still making out with me, which making
out is one of our favorite things to do.
Making out is so underrated, by
the way, make out all the time.
It's awesome.
I don't think anyone watching, if
you can see this podcast is wondering
how I, uh, tolerated that, but I
appreciate you saying well, that.
But cigarette breath is just,
you know, I, so, um, I love you.
I think timing is everything.
Yeah.
I mean, 'cause you we're talking about
when it happened and on what terms.
And also, you know, you'll get my age,
you know, I'm 48, so this all started.
I, I wonder if I had been
38 how that would've been.
So the other very good point.
There's different timing and,
and everybody's different.
Mm-hmm.
Everybody has a different moment
for them and how they do it.
It comes down to, as hokey and as
cliche as it sounds, is, you know, what?
What's more important to you and
your relationship, uh, versus your
independence and what you're gonna,
you know, some of the things that
you think makes you independent?
Mm-hmm.
That's probably what I should say.
Um, but again, because drinking was
such a big part of who we were and
what we were doing when we met, it was
extremely scary when it was like, wait
a minute, now you're a different person.
Maybe and maybe, and,
and it's very vulnerable.
I don't wanna say that everybody
that drinks is hiding something.
That's not what I'm saying.
But we're, if you do want to bury some
things that you, you struggle with, you
know, whether it's insecurities or anger
or, you know, most guys, things like that.
Um, drinking helps do that.
Blame it on the drinking or
ignore it with the drinking.
So when it's gone, you know
the curtain's up, right?
And you're like, so Britain, what
did you find that you were hiding?
What did you learn most about yourself?
Oh, I knew, you know.
If we're honest with ourselves, you
kind of know your faults, right?
You know what you struggle with.
Um, my whole life, I've always
struggled and tried to face, face those
struggles and know where they come from.
I'm not one of those people
that I'm a, I'm a guy, you
know, it is just what guys do.
Um, I think insecurities are
there, I think jealous there.
I think, depending on what your upbringing
and things that might affect your, some
of that stuff, anger or whatever it is.
And alcohol didn't just, hide
some of that, or it, it, it
exasperated some of that stuff.
Right?
Because if those were things
you, you deal with, alcohol's
only going to make it worse.
Yeah.
Um, and I, I've, and I knew that already,
you know, I had a good idea of that,
but being able to get on the other side
of it and see it, and I'm certainly
not perfect and I still struggle with
these things just like any human does.
But to be able to see it more clearly and
then be like, man, I, I see kind of what
I'm doing here or falling into that trip.
For me, alcohol obviously, it
only enhanced some of the things
that didn't need to be enhanced.
Do you remember anything specifically?
Obviously I've shared some stories.
Is there any times that you remember in
our relationship that you can look back
on that you especially, I don't know,
are not proud of as a couple or yourself?
Mm.
I mean, there's plenty and not all that
I wanna sit here and share on a podcast.
I'm not you, uh, and I know that's what
you want, but I think our fights, you
know, we would argue, I think, you know,
being quick, quick to be defensive.
Yeah.
Or quick to be angry or quick to, to,
you know, snap for something like that.
Not physically, uh, no.
But, uh, but.
And angry and we would
scream at each other.
Yeah.
Like it was not healthy.
It was not good at all.
I mean, we would get in some really,
really, really big blow up fights and
I mean, I would just be hysterical.
You would be so angry.
And I think, um, another point to
leveling up the, in intimacy in the
relationships is that this is not
to say that we don't still fight.
Of course we do, but
we don't fight anymore.
Like once we've removed alcohol.
We have had such a healthier
relationship and anytime we do have
a disagreement or something comes
up, we are able to talk about it.
And it's also really far and few between.
Yeah, and, and again, I'm not trying to
get away from this 'cause You're right.
But a part of that is, you
know, it's timing for everyone.
And I know you're, some people
are different at 38 and 28 and
48 than others, but for me.
It would've been more difficult at 38.
So for me, the timing was good.
Uh, it just worked out that way.
And I'm not saying I couldn't have done
it at 38, but at 48, you know, and going
back the last couple years, 47, 46,
um, I probably was really able to see
too, like, man, I feel so much better.
Yeah.
I, I just, I, I, you know, as I'm getting
older to get up and have, want to go
do some kind of exercise or just get on
top of something at work or whatever it
is, not having that hanging literally
no, no pun intended, hanging over me.
Right.
Yeah.
The night before.
You're like, uh, you can really,
and I knew obviously anybody would
say, well, of course I'd probably
feel better if I didn't drink right.
But to really see it and feel
it, uh, made a huge difference.
And all of this, all those, of
course, I wanted to do it for you.
. I mean, there were weekends that we
didn't have the kids that we would stay.
I mean, now we're up.
I mean, if we're not awake by
7:00 AM I mean then like what?
And there were weekends that
we would lay in bed till 10, 11
o'clock trips and you know, the
trip would revolve around drinking.
Right.
And so our wedding, when we got married,
I mean our, we eloped originally and I
remember wake up in hotel rooms at one
in the afternoon and stuff like that.
Yeah.
Which seemed normal back then.
Totally.
And for some it is.
And again, but for, you know, for
me, like, hey, I, I can get up.
At seven and go enjoy coffee
and And maximize this vacation.
Yeah.
And get out into a town.
It was a Bloody Mary.
And then another drink
and where were we going?
And I was like, what
bars can you smoke in?
I'll never forget, we got married
and there was this old bar and
it had one of those old pull
cigarette machines and I was.
So excited.
It was literally my wedding
day with the love of my life.
We love dive bars.
We do, we did.
We love dive bars.
Totally.
And, uh, where can we meet the
most random people and like, play
music and I can smoke cigarettes.
We were good at that.
And some, and some, and we had a lot
of fun, but there's no doubt about it.
Uh, but we had a lot of
fights and the fighting is the
thing that I miss the least.
I, I think for a lot of people
I know, and I know some people
would have a, a chemical.
Need for alcohol that I'm friends with.
And they would tell me, you
know, maybe would admit that
and some have addressed that.
But for most of the people I
know that still drink the way I
did and that I'm still friends
with, I think the FOMO of it all.
Yeah, it's, it's, for me, the FOMO of it
all is, what's the scariest part of it?
What am I gonna miss out on?
Who am I not gonna get
to hang out with anymore?
The FOMO is a big one.
What events, what parties, um, you know.
And there is something to that.
You're not gonna go to the same
events and parties all the time
anymore because you realize I just
went to those for the drinking.
Yes.
And if it's not there, of course
I love these people and I wanna
see them, but I can see them
on my own terms somewhere else.
Right.
Not drinking.
Right.
Why would I go stand in a room and
everyone else is standing around?
Mm-hmm.
Having their cocktails and I'm.
You know, I'm confident in me and I
feel okay, but I just, why I have,
there's other stuff I could be doing.
So the FOMO of it all is
probably for a lot of people.
That was huge.
That was honestly, that first
couple months when I didn't
drink and then I went back to it.
It was just like, I knew I needed
to do this, but I was still
watching because our social circle
hadn't changed at that point.
So I was just constantly feeling like
the odd man out and I was left out.
And now it's so funny you talk about fomo.
And almost five years later I have
Jomo, which is the joy of missing out.
It's like the best thing in the world.
But it took a really, really,
really, really long time.
And it may sound silly,
uh, to some, I love music.
I mean, I love music.
We love music.
Yeah.
And we love live music.
Yeah.
And when you stop drinking, you're like.
Am I still going to be
able to enjoy a show Yeah.
The way I did when I was drinking.
Yeah.
'cause that's a big part of it, right?
I love to have a buzz and,
and listen to the musician.
And I still look back,
I, I, I love that, right?
Mm-hmm.
But you start finding things out about
yourself, like, oh, I, I love the music.
I can have a good time.
Totally.
Uh, and it's better.
Uh, concerts can be better because
you're really ta at least for me.
I was always worried about going
back to the bar and getting
another drink, like dancing.
He, I love to dance.
I was so scared at events to dance and
now, you know, when we do occasionally
go, I'm the first one on the dance.
For, and you're like, Kirby, we gotta go.
And I love it because I feel
so free and I'm not worried
about getting that next drink.
The other thing I think is better,
and I know we are gonna talk about
intimacy a lot on this podcast, but I
gotta say to any of those couples out
there that are watching, like people
are scared to not have alcohol when
they're having sex, even with married.
Couples.
I've talked to a lot of people about
this, and usually alcohol is a big part
of people's sex lives, and we've always
had a very, very healthy sex life.
And when we stopped drinking, it was like,
oh my God, you just discover each other in
a way that I, I didn't even know existed.
The intimacy is next level.
We're not doing that on the podcast.
Uh, having sex.
No.
I think that's OnlyFans.
Yeah.
Uh, but uh, so I mean there is a,
US is expensive, so I do think.
You know, context.
I mean, and again, everybody's
journey and outlook on it's different.
I think it is better for you, I
think in context for me it's not
necessarily better, but it's not worse.
You know?
It's just different.
Yeah, it's different.
I still enjoy music.
I love it.
It's just different.
Oh, he did.
I see what he did there.
He went back to the music.
Well, unless you just wanna
keep talking about sex.
I'm sure someone would love to hear that.
But, uh, the, uh, and I'm fine with that,
but . The context of it all being better.
I'm not sure.
For me it's better and worse
in some of these situations.
Mm-hmm.
It's just, it's different.
And it's different in a good way.
Yeah.
Right.
Like I like, but that was scary to me.
Can I enjoy doing this?
Because I've always done it
since I was 16, 17 years old.
I've always done it.
Drinking, I've always gone camping.
Mm-hmm.
Drinking.
I've always gone to concerts, drinking.
I remember for me, how did
I celebrate a birthday?
My first birthday, I was like, how do I
celebrate a birthday without drinking?
And then guess what?
I celebrated it.
With the family, and that's what I've
done every, I used to love having,
I was never a birthday month girl,
but I wanted the big birthday party.
I always wanted the party.
And now every year on my
birthday, what do I wanna do?
I wanna be with the kids
and I wanna be with you.
So, yeah, I think it's, it's just
different and it's not everyone's time,
in my opinion, or, or in some ways again.
There's times when it needs to be on
someone's time if they're struggling,
but it is, it's on, it's on your
time, on your terms sometimes.
And to be able to do it is not
necessarily, I always worry about like.
Somebody who gets sober or is going
through this moment of sobriety
and they're feeling great and
they come to somebody and they're
telling 'em how great it is.
Mm-hmm.
And I grew up in the church, in the
Southeast and the Bible Belt, and I
would see people find Jesus, uh, in
the Judeo-Christian world, you know,
whatever religion you apply it to, but
in my world, it was finding in Jesus.
And I'd known 'em forever and
suddenly this person I'd seen
every day had found Jesus.
And they're, they're throwing it on
you and like, you need the, you need
what I have, you need what I have.
And you're like, whoa.
You're like, you know, uh, I, I get it.
And so I feel like that's true in most
things, including, unless it's a, you
know, unless it's a life and death
situation or alcoholism, if it's just.
Bettering yourself and you're
pushing it out there for me too.
I always, I was always weary of
somebody just pushing it on me.
And really, it's gotta
be on someone's terms.
'cause they have to believe it.
It's just like anything, right?
Yeah.
In cells or in, in, in spirituality.
Like, you have to want it first, right?
You gotta need it.
And so for me, I'm saying all
that to say, um, it took me a
while to, for me to want it.
'cause I was wanting it for you.
Right?
Yeah.
And, that just, it can work but not fully.
And then when you start
realizing like, okay.
Because at some point you're
gonna resent each other too.
Totally.
If I'm just doing Totally.
If I'm just doing it for you
and you're gonna resent me too.
Yeah.
I think we're in that
phase for a little while.
Yeah.
And so, um, it's gotta be something
you start to want and, and for yourself
and, okay, I'm gonna try this out.
Not for Kirby anymore, but for me.
And what, what does this look like and
what kind of relationships do I have?
And you know, I still got some
really good friends who drink.
Uh, some, but I found that balance
to find the ones that I hang out
with that we just really have, it's
really enhanced some conversations and
relationships because I'm like, Hey,
I can go hang out with this guy and we
can just talk about whatever Totally.
And hang out and you kind
of find out who they are.
', And don't you have better
relationships because of it?
Yeah.
Um, you have, you have
better time management.
Yeah.
You have better.
Yeah.
You know, you have better,
you, you know, like, okay.
I, I don't dislike this person,
but you know, that's mainly around
drinking and the conversation's not,
it's just gonna be surface level.
Yep.
Without that.
And so, uh, I can make a decision to
go do something else, , for me or with
somebody where I just feel like, and, and
I think getting older too, you, you start
making those decisions too, for yourself.
100%.
Like, uh, where, where
I wanna give my time.
And we're all people pleasers
you and I are both people
pleasers in saying yes to things.
Yes.
And I'm sure you've talked about, I
think you did on one of the shows.
Yeah.
Well, the power of No, and
that No is a complete sentence.
I get confused on what we've talked about
coming up because I get all the pre the
pre-show planning and next show planning
and what we've already talked about.
So I want been on the shows, but
um, but the power of no and being
able to say, no, that's my time.
And I think not drinking is certainly.
Um, a big part of, you
know, it helps enhance that.
Absolutely.
So, in the matter of time, I have
one final question for you because
I do get this question a lot.
And we talked about, you know, obviously
a lot of people who are in a similar
situation where one does come to
that knowing before the other person.
, What advice, if any, would you give
to couples out there that are in a
similar situation that we were, that
were maybe on your side of the coin?
What are, you know, just a couple
quick, little antidotes that you
might give them that would be helpful
as they move through this process.
That's simple.
, Aside from giving each other grace, which
is a word that I've used more lately
in the last year than I've ever used
in my life, even come from a, you know,
spiritual background, religious, but grace
makes more sense to me now when you give
it to others and give it to yourself.
, But the simple thing is.
I'm not a couples counselor and
certainly far from it, uh, but.
We all play games and typically
it's passive aggressive.
We want something we want to control
or get something from the other
person instead of communicating
honestly and saying, this is what I
would like and how do we get there?
It doesn't mean it's what I have to
have and have to have it right now.
But this is what I would
love to be getting towards.
We play these games of, and
we all do it back and forth.
It's passive aggressive.
And then I'm gonna test
you to see if you'll do it.
We did a lot of that.
And then, you know, let's
just see if you get it right.
We'll skip a lot of bullshit
if you don't do that.
And then it's Are you upset?
No, I'm not mad.
Yes.
Yeah, you are.
We are.
You are.
Are you upset about this?
Nope.
Or do you mind if I go have a
couple drinks with these guys?
Oh, I would do that all the time.
Uh, you know, um, and I would do it too.
Let's to you.
Fair.
I would do, but there's different,
but it's the dynamics of relationship.
Yeah.
Being passive aggressive and not having.
Again, cliche advice, but
clear communic advice.
Great advice.
No, that's great advice because
you hit the nail on the head.
We could have escalated, and
again, I don't, I, I think
everything happens for a reason.
The way that everything happened for our
process was exactly what it needed to be,
but for anybody that's maybe just starting
the process, that could escalate it a
little bit for them and not go through as
much of what we went through by just being
more honest with each other and doing it.
And my recommendation would be
not doing it in the heat of the
moment, but by saying to them, Hey.
, Can we find some time when we both,
you know, are cool and calm and I
just wanna have like an honest moment
and then do it in a safe space?
Yeah.
And my other advice is
just the FOMO thing.
I think if you really get down to it for
a lot of people, and I've got some friends
and he wouldn't mind me saying his name.
One of my best friend's brother of
mine is, uh, Chad, and I've watched his
struggles and his overcoming alcohol.
Yeah, that's a different, that's a
different world of what I'm talking about.
So I'm, I'm conscious of people
like my friend Chad, who,
who is just an amazing man.
Amazing, amazing dad, and done some
great things, but for the most.
Most of my, you know, every day-to-day
friends who drink, would bet you 99.9%
of guys, whether, whether they
admit it or not, is the fomo.
Because most of us have done it since co I
mean, if, if not high school, college, you
know, it's, it's retraining your brain.
Yeah, it really is.
It's, it's unlearning.
It's, uh.
All of these things that we have
been conditioned to for so long.
So in respect to time, I promised that one
of the things I told Britt that he did not
believe was that I was gonna keep these
podcasts relatively short, because if you
were in our house when cameras weren't on,
you would never believe it for a second.
'cause I don't shut them.
F up, so no, I think
they would believe it.
I love you so much.
Thank you so much.
Brit is going to be a regular guest, and
as I mentioned, we are going to dive into
so many other things, not just addiction,
we really have run the gamut in our
relationship meeting, falling in love,
and basically getting married overnight.
Blending our families.
We both have businesses.
We've come so far.
We have gone so high,
so low back up again.
And I think we've really
found, found a stride and we'll
keep working on it forever.
So we certainly don't have it
figured out, but uh, we are trying.
And thank you all for listening so much.
Was there something you wanted to add?
No, I had other thoughts, but
that's for a different podcast.
Different day.
Don't worry, you're coming on every month.
Yeah.
I'm honored to be on your podcast and
for, uh, you've got a lot of great
feedback, a lot of great comments
of people who, uh, have listened
and whether they stopped drinking or
not, have just enjoyed hearing you.
, Put yourself out there.
'cause when you first started doing
this, I'll say this as we conclude.
, I will tell you, I was worried about
bearing your soul to the world.
You've never had a problem with that.
Um, but this is on a different level.
Yeah.
And so people kind of hearing,
I'm a very private person, even
though I'm in media and have
newspaper, you know, all this stuff.
But like I'm a very
private person by nature.
. And to put it all out there
and you putting it out there,
you know, there's people, 99.9
of point percent of your listeners
are going to listen because of
the content and what it could
mean to them, or just enjoying you
but there is a handful who just want
to hear stuff so they can, you know,
they can have that ammunition and, not
having alcohol really makes you not
care about that stuff as much either.
I really.
Believe that my purpose in this life,
on this planet, in this time that
I have as I've gotten older and I
have overcome so many things, if my
struggles, which look different than
everybody else's, so even if yours are
different, but they're all struggles.
Like if, by me sharing my story
so raw and so honestly can
touch, one person, can make.
One person feel less alone, can make one
person feel like, oh, maybe I am doing the
right thing in exploring this, or maybe
that knowing that I have is true and I
need to honor it, and I need to listen to
it, then, then I'm doing the right thing.
So thank you.
You are, and we, I get to see the
feedback and it's not a boastful.
Look at this is when, when you get,
and people, she loves the feedback.
Uh, when she gets it,
it means so much to you.
It does.
'cause it's something you're
doing that's applying to someone.
Yeah.
And, uh, helping others has
been a big part of what you do.
And I'm not blowing smoke at the
listeners, but especially women, women
empower, empowerment and, you know,
and others, men who listen to this too.
But, uh, women who are, and hopefully
if there's anything I said that could
apply to your partner, particularly if
they're a bullheaded, uh, egotistical
guy like me, um, you can say, Hey.
Here's some things to think
about, maybe it helps out.
And thanks for letting me do it.
And if you guys ever have any
questions, please send them in.
Brit is gonna come on every month, so
if you've got relationship questions,
whatever, again, we don't have it all
figured out, but we will always be honest
and open so I can tell you what not to do.
Yeah, we can do a lot of that.
So thank you for listening
to Behind the Blonde.