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Created by Roselis Cortez • Co-host: James Stanley
Seam Notes explores luxury as behavior
How you think, how you move, and the standards you hold when no one is watching.
This isn’t about status or appearance. It’s about composure, discernment, boundaries, and self-respect. The things that quietly shape how you live.
Through lived experience, we talk about growth, outgrowing environments, and learning to move differently without losing yourself in the process.
No performance. No exaggeration. Just real conversations about what it takes to hold your own.
New episodes every Wednesday.
Roselis (00:00)
This is Seam Notes, Taste standards and the decisions nobody sees. I'm Roselis the creator of Seam Notes, along with my co-host James.
What is the difference between giving someone grace and giving someone access?
do we notice a distinction
is there a moment when you recognize that you're handing them the key to you
Tolerating a behavior, So we're gonna talk about what we accept today because what you accept is what you tolerate and in your tolerance is how you teach others to treat you.
James (00:57)
Then I would think one of the keys is accepting someone for who they are, Not trying to change them So accepting them. And through accepting them, which is obviously very difficult. we accept them for who they are.
and love them for who they are. Does that mean that we are tolerating it or we're truly just accepting it and letting it go
Roselis (01:21)
So I think that there are different angles to all of this, I think accepting someone for who they are is key and it's paramount, However, if in that acceptance what you're doing is allowing a behavior that is trespassing on you.
James (01:46)
Okay.
Roselis (01:47)
it is no longer acceptance, it goes into tolerance that you can then excuse as giving someone grace when what it really is is not honoring yourself.
James (02:04)
What's good example of that, do you think?
Roselis (02:05)
Okay, well interestingly enough when I was thinking about this topic, the root of this comes from being able to take a look at ourselves.
And what I thought about here was I was in a business situation with somebody for a very long time. And we had a business deal that we were gonna share all the business that we did. And we were splitting it fifty fifty, we built a
business. We associated ourselves with one another. And the first couple of years I was doing a lot of the business. he was sending me the clients or introducing me to the clients. So I was like okay this is good because I don't necessarily like to go out and hunt for a client, But I'm great at nurturing the relationship, developing the relationship and getting to that place.
where I close the business, So I kept doing all of that and I would split all the money.
there were other times where I ended up giving him all of the commissions because he needed money, and money ended up being owed out of stuff that I did. And my husband would be like, When are you gonna let this go? When are you going to accept that this guy is not being truthful?
James (03:26)
Right, right.
Roselis (03:27)
I
was like, but he's going through a hard time or but he's a good person or but he blah blah blah. And I made excuse after excuse after excuse after catching him in a lie after another. I walked away, he came back with something else, I accepted it again, it was a whole ordeal. Bottom line is that ten years into this
Not one, not three, ten years into it.
I looked at the pattern and I went, ho ho!
accepting the lies because this is what I learned in childhood.
Mother lied and I justified the lie. Because I couldn't tolerate lies, I thought that they were horrific, but because that was my mother's pattern, all I could do was justify them so that I, Roselis could accept it and be able to continue the relationship
James (04:29)
Right.
How you digested it, yeah,
Roselis (04:40)
So obviously in this circumstance I had no real notion that this is what I was doing. Right. It didn't come to me until much later. But it was something that I learned to do and that I did for so many years, and I am certain that he was not the first or the only person that this was what took place.
This is the only one where I saw it so clearly that I was able to face it, confront it, and heal from there. I was able to process that stuff from there, But the conversation here really is about that. even deeper is about how do we go there and confront ourselves.
in that situation. Stop making those excuses. Stop tolerating the behavior that is completely unacceptable because you justify it in calling it giving someone grace or excusing them because they're a good person. And in lieu, what you're doing
is trespassing your own boundaries, your own honor.
James (06:04)
totally. Totally. You know? So it's such an interesting subject, 'Cause I think it can get a little murky about accepting someone else, accepting them for the who they are and what they are. And then, you see this repeat pattern going on in your life and then when does that switch to tolerate and then maybe there's some resentment that comes up and all of this stuff. And then layer on, where is all of this coming from?
why am I okay with this situation? Exactly. So we examine self, Exactly. Which is where we should be starting all time. Like constantly.
Okay, a person in my life that I've had a friendship a little tumultuous it goes back and forth,
But to your point, giving grace and saying this is who this person is and not letting that affect me. In the sense of I'm not going to bed with this person physically or figuratively. there's no business relationship. There is a friendship, but
the boundary, hard hard word for me, the boundaries
Roselis (07:05)
That's a hard one for you.
James (07:06)
have to be in place of I can't absorb and take on I can't have these these things trespass on me and my consciousness and imprint them, I wish this person love and kindness and I'm sure you do as well. I get it. but refuse to take it on.
Accepting this is who they are and this is what they're going through, And then I'll add the suffering and darkness they must be in to do that.
Roselis (07:37)
Interestingly enough, with this person, we ended up working together in another company after all of this had happened and he came to me and was very honest about some things that he had done. it had nothing to do with me.
and asked for my advice. I never judged him
but when I discovered that after all that honesty he continued
When that happened, he was banned.
He reached out to me and I said I can no longer have a relationship with you. If I am able to eventually I will call you again. And those were my only words. I did not go into a conversation, I did not judge it was like, no, I can't be a part of this. It's a completely different take into what I had done before.
James (08:11)
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Roselis (08:31)
Which was how can I help you? What can I do? How do I save you? How do I, change this lie into an acceptable situation.
James (08:42)
And do you think because you had this experience from childhood with your parent, obviously that influenced and colored your dealings with this person? Absolutely. Do you think that since you've grown from this person and you said, you know, I can no longer do this, how has that affected the little girl Roselis with her mom? That relationship? It must have healed it in some way.
Roselis (08:52)
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Well sure. However, I still know that she lies. and it makes it easier for me to discern the lies. ⁓ she is just saying this because she's just going with the flow instead of me believing that she's actually gonna do what she's saying she's gonna do to go go with the flow.
James (09:32)
Okay.
Roselis (09:33)
Right? I am no longer fooled by her, if you will. Exactly. Exactly.
James (09:37)
You see it clearly now. Exactly. Because
the emotions are empty facts.
Roselis (09:42)
I would fall into the trap that she was gonna act on whatever it was that she feigned to be the truth. And so I no longer do that. But really the topic here then comes to what we tolerate, right? And so as you just said with this friend, you're able to be all about acceptance
Because whatever his trespassings are to himself, to others, or whatever, don't influence and so that's really what this is. It's where is that line of
James (10:15)
Correct, they don't affect me that way, yeah.
Roselis (10:24)
I'm allowing you to do something and I'm accepting that or tolerating that and with my tolerance I'm showing you how to treat me.
James (10:36)
Thousands percent, which is I think a whole nother thing, yeah.
Roselis (10:39)
versus I'm accepting who you are and none of that affects me. They're very different one from the other.
James (10:48)
And depending on the relationship. Mm-hmm. What if it's i it's easy for us to sit here and talk about this in a friend or business relationship, but what if it's a family member, a partner, you know, your your your husband, your wife, your children? It must those are complicated, intertwined relationships, you know? Well
Roselis (11:07)
as an example in this parental relationship I was physically separated early on, but I also had to emotionally and literally cut communication for periods of time in order to be able to discern
that bait and switch situation, that sleigh of hand that, is manipulative And you were I was not able to see the difference, I used to use the term and I stopped using it probably in that year of healing that I've talked about before. I used to always say I acquiesced.
I acquiesced to a lot of things. and did not honor self in many ways. And I have stopped doing that.
James (12:05)
So then how do we stay in a relationship with another human being and not acquiesce? Because there are times, the old adage with any relationship is we must what's the compromise? So this this is kind of that that murky area, right?
Roselis (12:19)
But see, compromise doesn't have to be I give of self in order to be able to be with you. Compromise is, I learned this from a therapist, She used to say to us, okay, you tell her what it is you need, And I would acknowledge that I heard him. But I didn't have to act on any of it.
I acknowledge and I hear you and I respect your feelings. But that doesn't mean that I have to change to please you.
James (13:01)
And you shouldn't have to.
Roselis (13:02)
he's an amazing cook, And so he pulls out seven spices, five of them go back in the cabinet. The other two never do. He cleans up.
Three of the knives will go back on their sleeve and the other ones over there and the sleeves on the other side. Like this morning groceries came. He put up three quarters of them. The other quarter remained on the counter. It's not like there wasn't room and he doesn't know where it is. But that's just the way it is, I'm not gonna fight it and I'm not gonna try to make him compromise.
James (13:34)
Exactly.
Roselis (13:38)
Who he is by pleasing me to go put everything up. No, I come through and in three seconds I finish doing the deal and that's it. What about compromise?
James (13:46)
So how so how do we decipher
acceptance of that situation in that essence of it being a simple everyday to do kind of thing and then a larger item where you're really you're really giving of self and and you're creating a tolerance for this thing and then you're teaching the the other person almost a bad behavior towards you. Like there's what
Roselis (14:12)
I think that it takes a long time to be able to get to those spaces. What do I mean by that? What I mean by that is, are you willing to give of yourself or give up that part of you? Is all the love that you have for this person worth that for you?
in a relationship, is ninety percent of it fine and is it just ten percent tolerance? That's a pretty good average. Right? But if you're doing 50-50, where's the joy in that?
James (14:46)
One thousand percent.
Yeah.
Roselis (14:53)
Right. So is it compromise really? Because I think that compromise is a really tricky thing. It's just like when people talk about marriage being difficult. It doesn't have to be difficult. It's only difficult if you see it as difficult, if you see the conversations as difficult, if you see the hurdles that you have to
James (15:14)
Little
Roselis (15:16)
Follow behind them in order to clean the kitchen the way that you want it cleaned, Instead of insisting upon the person doing what you want them to do. Because then you're asking them to compromise a part of themselves that is not who they are is whom you want them to be, and we're back out of acceptance.
James (15:38)
is so you said a couple of really amazing things and I just have to kind of point them out marriage doesn't have to be difficult it's how you're perceiving all the things that are in the marriage so that is our life every single day life is not difficult whatever you're facing it's just how we're facing it that must change that we must look at
So that's huge. and you mentioned a while back that there was no judgment, which I thought what a breath of fresh air, Because we are in such a judgment time in life. We judge everything. Others, self, politics, religion, it's all on the table right now. In more ways, at least in my life than I've ever experienced And not having judgments and really discerning acceptance and tolerance.
Two separate things, right?
Roselis (16:25)
We wanna put them together but they're two separate
James (16:29)
Agreed. Agreed. it was so profound the way we're perceiving these things do not have to be difficult. That transcends to every part of our being. Everything, everything. That is the essence of our being. It's our we're perceiving something we think is real. We're perceiving our partner, our the relationship, the happiness, Instead of really looking at it, ⁓
a different perspective. Right? Mm-hmm.
Roselis (16:57)
So when we go to this topic, we're really talking about that, It is about we are respectful of others and we shall accept nothing less than respect from others. Because if that's the way we're looking at others and that's the way we're upon others, with respect, with tolerance, with affection.
affection with all of those things, compassion, Then that is exactly what we should accept and nothing else from other.
James (17:32)
We should accept, but we we cannot have the expectation that others can give them.
Roselis (17:37)
No, we can't have that expectation. But what happens is if we tolerate it
James (17:44)
Agreed
Roselis (17:46)
Then we are justifying teaching and then We are showing them how to treat us.
James (17:48)
Teaching them it's okay.
You know, All the teachings, all the understanding, we carry it every day with us. We know inside. We may have not tapped into it yet, but it's there. lead by example.
You may not need to say something to somebody. We could sit down and talk to viewers and have them listen over and over, and it may not resonate. Regardless of the point, if we live our lives thus, in compassion and respect then that will influence others. And a teacher told me that 25-30 years ago. By example, people will be
around you and see the way you react to something, the way you react to a conversation or react to another living being on the street.
Roselis (18:41)
Yeah, yeah. I firmly believe that that is the way we teach. It's not what we say, it's not even how we share with our audience, It's really if you see us outside of here, you see that this is what we do. That this is how we are in our lives.
James (18:45)
Correct
Roselis (19:03)
At least for me that's how it is, it's something that was taught to me from very early on, It's not what you say is what you do, right? So how how you get people to work with you, You're working in a team
You can't be one saying do this, do that, do the other if you yourself cannot do it or are not willing to do it.
So when you work as a leader in a group, I am gonna jump behind the board to do whatever. I'm the one that's gonna go make the coffee. I'm the one that's gonna go do this. I will
jump into whatever and do whatever it takes because it's a collective. It is not a I tell you, you go do and I stand over here as a director. So it's all the same concept, So we we show and we act and we do and that's how
James (19:47)
We can influence others to do the same
Roselis (20:07)
We exactly exactly.
James (20:08)
How
do we separate the expectation of right, the topic acceptance, And
Roselis (20:16)
It's really what we tolerate from others what we teach them on how to treat us
James (20:22)
So how do we if we're in a relationship, we're tolerating these behaviors, whatever they may be, how do we start working on that? If they're not if they're not picking up the cues by
leading by example or learning by the example we're setting, what's another way do we think? Do we think? I definitely not having the expectation that they're going to get it because they may not. We say, and this is quick left turn, karma's real. We said we we are all created equal, meaning that all living beings, all living beings, bigger statement right, are equal. No hierarchy. But karmically
We are in different spiritual places at different times in life. So so your partner, your boss, your child, your neighbor, colleague, whomever it is that you're interacting with, and you're taking this shit on that you're tolerating, they may not get it. Right?
Roselis (21:06)
Everybody is.
James (21:23)
But how do we how do we handle that in our life when we're dealing with somebody that we can't they're they're not getting it from us. That they're that we're taking on the shit from them and at some point I guess the answer is we have to be aware of it. Mm-hmm.
And then step out of it.
that's really the and that's hard to do with a marriage. That's hard with children. exactly it's hard to deal with I'm gonna say really, you know, your boss, okay, find another job. Your friend, get another friend if you can't work through it, right? but ⁓ yeah when it's your partner in life I think yes, could you get a divorce? Absolutely. I'm not saying anybody get a divorce but a awareness and then stepping out of it at least to examine
Roselis (21:44)
Yeah.
James (22:09)
What's truly going on? What am I emotionally attached to? What do I need to let go? where did this influence come from? Because I have my own. I'm a people pleaser. Even though I am and I'm not, but I am. I'm not going to go into my mother's stories But you know, part of it comes from that,
Me trying to please her has definitely imprinted on me trying to please others in a certain way. there is a part of me that wants everybody to be happy and please them and then when they're not, I'm upset or it affects me. I'm just kinda letting that go 'cause I'm realizing it, well that was me, a little kid, trying to please my mother who was friggin' nuts. ⁓
Roselis (22:50)
You know, it's it's funny because I made an example a couple of days ago. I said I've always been so positive that I'm that person that's getting handcuffed and thrown in and I'm like, it's all gonna be okay, it's not a big deal. Because I was always justifying behavior or the behavior that was taking place in my house that for me was so disturbing that all I wanted to do was hide in the closet.
So I gave everything a positive spin in order to be able to tolerate. And so I have a really fine line that I have to constantly watch out for, is this something that I'm denying because in that denial I'm gonna turn it into a positive spin in order to be able to
James (23:27)
Have awareness of
Roselis (23:39)
tolerate this, or is this really something that I'm facing and I'm realizing it's life, this is happening and I'm okay
James (23:48)
Okay with it. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, agree. No, that's just but that's awareness, I think again we go back to really having a discussion with self and as soon as you have those feelings come up, examine them.
Roselis (23:59)
But it's the same because what we tolerate from other we teach them how to treat us, When we realize that we're in a loop and we're tolerating the same thing from different ways or we're acting in a manner
that allows us to justify these other behaviors in order to accept because we don't wanna let go of the relationship because it is a family member and we don't wanna let that go, it's because it's a job that pays so much money that we don't wanna let go of the money. Sure, but there's gotta be a way for you to find something in this day and age that you're gonna be able to do that's gonna replace that.
James (24:32)
Or we can't afford to. Yeah.
Roselis (24:43)
And not sacrifice of self. But you have to take a look at where your part is in it. Because we always have a part in it.
James (24:51)
For sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love your example of people pleasing and spinning something positive that could possibly be detrimental to us and we're just kinda just saying, okay, I'm gonna make this a positive thing, which is not bullshit but kinda is when we're doing that in a sense, right? If it
Roselis (25:09)
I mean, where do you think that my whole thing about no regrets comes from? It's the same It's the same thing. I mean, it's let's find a spin. are you for real? yes, because that's my way of dealing with it,
James (25:14)
Same. ⁓
Roselis (25:26)
But I have to understand that that's what I do. And so then I need to examine, am I giving it that? Is this acceptance that I'm teaching this other human being?
James (25:41)
Why. And teaching yourself.
Roselis (25:43)
Does it come from that? Exactly. But that's what I'm saying. You have to question, right?
James (25:48)
Yeah. You're teaching yourself this is okay. Yeah. You know? Yeah.
Roselis (25:52)
Yeah, okay. But it's when you're in that loop you need to get the why.
James (25:58)
Be able to question it, you know? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Agree.
Roselis (26:01)
And
and it doesn't mean not being good or accepting or loving It's it's actually the opposite. We're saying the complete opposite and but give yourself that grace as well.
James (26:05)
Of others. Yeah.
First. We have to go first, right?
Roselis (26:16)
That's where
we're going in our next episode. Yeah. It's it's a whole whole thing. ⁓
So, ⁓ anything else you wanna bring up on that?
James (26:32)
I the word compassion, I think our viewers, listeners by now that audience that I use the word a lot and I truly mean this.
Roselis (26:39)
Which what what compassion.
James (26:41)
Right?
'Cause it's it is love, the truest form of love. We try to have compassion for all living beings, right?
if we can learn to have compassion in this situation for the other, I'm not saying be a doormat and accept this, but really know the other person's suffering, then a lot of that anger, hurt, frustration, whatever, dissipates. So just be aware of that kind of simultaneously.
Roselis (27:07)
So this week
notice a relationship where you're accepting something you would never accept from a stranger. Just notice it and do nothing. It's in the noticing that your standard begins.
This is Seam Notes.
Luxury from the inside out. We'll see you again next Wednesday. Thanks for joining us.