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The Feel Good Podcast aims to unpack what it means to be a man in the modern world. In each episode, we explore the evolving landscape of masculinity through open, honest conversations with guests from all walks of life, from sport and the military to leadership, mental health and the arts.
We challenge outdated narratives and dig into topics like emotional resilience, connection, identity and purpose. Our aim is to create a space where men can reflect, feel seen, and start to ask deeper questions about who they are and who they want to become.
Whether you're curious about redefining strength, navigating vulnerability, or simply looking for more meaning in how you show up day to day – this podcast is for you.
Feel Good for Men Who Want Change is a podcast all about healthy masculinity and how as men, we can navigate the modern world showing up as best we can. In today's episode, we dive into the world of elite sport, chatting to Alex McCarthy, goalkeeper at Southampton. Now, he and I have known each other for a while now. Our kids went to the same school, and I've always known him as a super approachable level headed guy. And as you'll see in this episode, I think that's really served him well in his career.
Tim Barber:He's able to emotionally regulate in a volatile environment and at the same time help him through some really challenging times. We talk about that, we talk about his career, and we talk about the environment that young footballers are growing up in now and how he can help change that perspective as a role model to young players and young fans. So if you're interested in what it takes to be a high end athlete and how you might want to show up as a man in that environment, please listen in and see what Alex has to say. Alex, welcome to the podcast.
Alex McCarthy:Thank you for having me on.
Tim Barber:And I should say off off the back, actually, like, thanks for squeezing this in because I know you've got preseason starting tomorrow,
Alex McCarthy:isn't it? Tomorrow. Yeah. Back in tomorrow. I think we've had four and a half, five weeks off at So, yeah, it's it's come around quickly.
Tim Barber:What kind of person are you? Is this gonna be a shock to the system, or are you been keeping your eye in?
Alex McCarthy:When I was younger, I didn't really do a lot in the summer. Yeah. Because I I felt like I could get away with it. But the older you get, obviously the bit more experience, you realize how hard preseason is. So you do have to do your stuff in the off season.
Alex McCarthy:So I've kept myself fair. Obviously, I've been away on holiday and that, but I've looked after myself. So I'm hoping to go back in reasonable shape. But obviously, preseason is there to get fit as well. Yeah.
Tim Barber:Alright. I'll drop you a message in a couple of days to see how realistic that was.
Alex McCarthy:To see how it is after tomorrow's testing day.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Okay. Nice. And I'll I'll come on to, like, what it's like, you know, being a footballer and what are some of the misconceptions that people might have. But it'd be good to understand a bit about your background.
Tim Barber:And was sport always a big part of your childhood? Did you see this being a path for you?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah, sport was, yeah, it was a big part of my childhood. I come from a sporty family. My mom liked sport. Dad liked sport. Growing up, I lived in Indonesia for about four or five years because my dad was an engineer and worked overseas.
Alex McCarthy:So we obviously went to a international school out there, I was playing stuff like baseball and all different types of sports. It was only till I was about we came back here when I was about I think it was about six or seven. Yeah. And I started picking up little bits, but it was nothing serious.
Tim Barber:Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:And then I probably got to about, I'd say 12, 13. I started obviously playing football, cricket, golf. Obviously trying to fit that in with school as well was tough, but obviously it's what you do. And then obviously the older I got, I had to sort of choose between cricket, golf and football. I was massively into my cricket at an early age.
Alex McCarthy:I was playing for the county. I loved my golf. I still love my golf, as you know. Yeah. But, yeah, it got to the age where I had to sort of decide what I wanted to do, and I ended up going down the football
Tim Barber:And family wise, was that a decision you made by yourself or did you have pressure, positive or otherwise, from anywhere to choose football?
Alex McCarthy:I felt like I did always have pressure because as much as I wanted to do well, my dad wanted me to do well. Yeah. But I liked that sort of pressure. I think everyone needs that bit of pressure. But when it came to the stage where I had to pick what I wanted to do, I obviously had full support from my mom and dad.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. And I just felt like I enjoyed football a lot more. I was probably better at it than I was cricket and golf. Watching golf now on TV and that I always think, Oh, I'd love to be out there playing in that. But there's so many good golfers out there.
Alex McCarthy:Like it's so hard to make it as a golfer. I've got a few friends that tried making it and they didn't succeed. They're like such good golfer is a lot better than me. Yeah. Obviously, it's completely down to you in golf as well.
Alex McCarthy:It's a single sport, whereas football is a team sport. Yeah. Someday you can get carried a little bit. But yeah, I was I'm happy with the decision I made in the end.
Tim Barber:Yeah. It hasn't gone too badly.
Alex McCarthy:It hasn't gone too bad. I'm 35 and I'm still playing.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Exactly. And and growing up, like, who who were your role models, sporting or otherwise?
Alex McCarthy:It'd have to be because my whole family sported Chelsea. My dad used to take me to Chelsea games. Okay. So it'd have to be Petrachek. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:I always sort of try to base my game around him. Yeah. We have the same sort of structure and stature and obviously going to watch games. And now I wanted to sort of base my game on him. He's obviously had an unbelievable career.
Alex McCarthy:He won everything you could win. He's got the records in the Premier League for most clean sheets, etcetera, etcetera. So yeah, growing up, Petr Cep was definitely one of my idols. And another one would probably be Shmichael. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:Okay. He obviously won everything as well. Was a massive goalie, made massive saves at massive moments. So yeah, that'd be my sort of two idols.
Tim Barber:Did you think about them as men as well as, like, great goalkeepers? Like, did you think about how they showed up as athletes, as, you know, leaders,
Alex McCarthy:as cultural figures? I didn't when I was younger. I just used to think they'd turn up on a Saturday and play the game and just produce performances like they did week in, week out. But the older I've gotten, obviously, being involved in football for a longer amount of time, the amount of hard work, dedication that they would have put into getting the success that they've got in their careers is, yeah, it's hats off to them because doing it week in, week out like that, in a team like that, the top of the table, fighting for trophies week in, week out, mentally, it must be, and obviously physically as well, but I'd say probably more so mentally because of the expectations and everything. Think it's unbelievable what they've done.
Alex McCarthy:But growing up as a kid, literally, just think, it's turn up, you play games and that's it. But people who don't see the work that the lads put in off the field, away from it. Yeah, it's inspiring.
Tim Barber:Yeah. And that I mean, I want to come on to a bit about life as a footballer. As far as you can tell from from inside the game, what do you think some of the biggest misconceptions are that people have about your job, your life
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. How it is? I just think people in the outside world don't realize sort of how hard it is. Like the number of people that try and make it to footballer is so low, but they don't see the other side of the game. Obviously they're quick to judge you on a weekend on performance levels, which is completely fine that we're in the job we are.
Alex McCarthy:But the setbacks people get, the injuries, like dealing with that, dealing with maybe internal stuff like with your family. Yeah, they don't see a lot of it. They just obviously expect you to turn up at a weekend and be a 10 out of 10. Yeah. But that's not life, is it?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. That's not human. So yeah, they do do miss a lot of stuff. But at the end of the day, they pay their money to come out and watch their team perform and they want to see the best possible results.
Tim Barber:And growing up, like how much of that were you aware of versus, I guess, just still trying to make it through the system, still trying to get your first contract?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Think when you're younger, you're not aware of it at all. And obviously, as I've got older and stuff has progressed, you've got obviously social, social media was there a little bit sort of when I was younger, but it wasn't how it is now. So yeah, you do get a lot of backlash from stuff like that. And it obviously depends on what sort of character you are as well.
Alex McCarthy:I'm not really someone that goes on social media, but I see younger lads in the dressing room before games, after games, constantly on social media. I think social media is good in some aspects, but obviously it can get out of hand and I've seen it affect players as well. Yeah.
Tim Barber:Yeah. In in terms of the constant feedback?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Constant feedback. Like, lads lads are reading stuff before games and after games. And like, even if you've had a bad game and that, they're still on there reading it. And I'm saying to them, don't need to do that.
Alex McCarthy:And then obviously it does play in their mind because then they might not perform to the levels the following week. So it is good in some aspects, but it's toxic as well in other What
Tim Barber:sort of messages were you getting then as a young player coming up about success, masculinity, emotional control, you know, whether overtly or, you know, subconsciously?
Alex McCarthy:I was lucky in my upbringing. My mom and dad were always close to me and they sort of guided me in the right direction. I'm thinking you obviously see a of players come through the academies now that have sort of come from nothing and they've got to where they've got to. So I admire them massively. But yeah, I think obviously it's changed over the years and obviously the older we get is going to keep changing as well.
Alex McCarthy:But I think in terms of football, I think, I'm not trying to say it's, they're a lot more sort of focused on the younger lads. Think at the start when I was coming through, it was almost sort of like a free fall. You could get away with this. You could get away with saying that. Doing certain things around the training ground and that, but it's got a lot more sort of stricter in that respect.
Tim Barber:In terms of what you can and can't get away with as young players?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's it's a lot more stricter now, and and they they monitor stuff a lot more.
Tim Barber:So what were you I mean, you've you've been at a few different clubs over the I guess there's pros and cons that come with that. Yeah. One being you've seen different environments, different managers. Like, is there a type of person that you've seen get the best out of young lads, older players? Like, what seems to resonate with with athletes?
Tim Barber:I think man management is, I think, probably out there with
Alex McCarthy:one of the top three things a manager needs to have. And I've been under managers before where I don't think they've realized the ins and outs of some of the players they're looking after. So they could say something to one player and they just acknowledge it and get on with it. Whereas other players, they say the same thing too, and it completely destroys their confidence. And they almost sort of take a step back and go in their shell.
Alex McCarthy:I think the top top managers, their man management is second to none. I think that's the way you've got to be. If you want to get the best out of your players, everyone's different, aren't they? Then you need to know about your players and know the ins and outs of them. Cause at the end of the day, you're judged on results.
Alex McCarthy:You want to what you're getting out of your players.
Tim Barber:Yeah. And does that take into account also what you're saying earlier about, you know, stuff going on at home or family life and having at least a sense of what players are putting up with there?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah, completely. I heard, I won't mention names, but I heard a story a while ago. I think this happened to a player maybe two years ago. He was performing well. Obviously something had happened in his family and he took a dip in his performance and the coaches were sort of chatting.
Alex McCarthy:And then one of his assistants said to him, Have you spoke to him about his personal life? What's going on? And he's like, no. So I obviously went and spoke to him, like sat down with him, sort of had a bit of a heart to heart with him. Someone passed away in his family or there was some sort of scenario going on.
Alex McCarthy:He obviously, he didn't really want to open up about it. And then obviously he spoke to him about it. Things got sorted out and that. But just from having that conversation, some managers won't have a conversation like that. And it just gets left and the player sort of destroys the player.
Alex McCarthy:So I think it's so important to sort of know your players and speak about it because it's better to get it out, everything out on the table. And then obviously, a couple of weeks later, he's back back playing to the levels that he should be playing at.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Because that's one of the things that as a casual observer, what you mentioned earlier, most people would just expect the player to turn up and perform on a Saturday. You know, you either watch the game or you see the highlights, and that's about all you see. But you don't have no idea what sort of emotional baggage that person is bringing into the game or what they've just been wrestling with before kickoff.
Alex McCarthy:It is hard. And I think that's the thing that people sort of don't understand in the outside world. They think literally we're robots. We go to training. That's that.
Alex McCarthy:We go to the game, perform. That's that. There's more to life than just football. Yeah. You've got your kids, you've got your wife, your mom and dad.
Alex McCarthy:There's other things that could be happening in that, but they just obviously expect you to turn up and form. Yeah. And if it was that easy, think everyone would be doing that.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah. A 100%. I remember speaking to a footballer recently about, you know, where he was going go contract wise, he said, oh, well, you know, this one's close to home and close to the family. I think probably most people aren't factoring that in as something Well, that's on their
Alex McCarthy:that's stressful, especially if you have a family coming towards the end of your contract. You're either looking for a new deal or you're getting bought by another club. Yeah. It's not just easy to uplift your family and go elsewhere. You've got to think about your kids and your wife.
Alex McCarthy:And obviously, when I was younger, went on loan a lot. So it was easy for me because I was on my own. I could just get up and go sort of thing. Yeah. But now, obviously, with my wife and two kids, it's a different story.
Tim Barber:I should say that I spoke to my brother-in-law about your time at Ipswich, my hometown club. Yeah. And he just want to apologize for the defenders in front of you because he said, for it didn't make your life that easy. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:It was a it was a tough time down there, but it's it's it's part of being a a young player. Obviously, was young now. I was at Redding at the time, and I needed to go out and play games and gain experience. And that's obviously what I did. I enjoyed living down that part of the world at the time.
Alex McCarthy:But yeah, Ipswich have been on the rise since.
Tim Barber:Yeah. It's a nice my my my fandom claim to fame is sitting behind a goal that Alan Armstrong scored in when we beat into Milan at home Right. Okay. Many many moons ago. That was now.
Tim Barber:I'll come on to to, I guess, how how you show up. But I guess, as we're talking about this stuff of family and what players bring into bring into the game as well, like, what is the or what's your sense of, I guess, the culture, and and maybe it varies from club to club around players talking to each other about this stuff. You know, is it is it seen as okay? Is it more of a matcha environment where you keep this stuff to yourself? What's going on?
Alex McCarthy:I don't know what it's like at other clubs, but at our club, it's quite it's a really nice club. It's a really family club. Everyone's sort of like nice to each other and everything, but you obviously get the different nationalities and sort of the English lads are together, Spanish, the French, they're sort of like, it is a bit divided. But everyone gets on, it's quite a young group. So I wouldn't say it gets spoken about a lot.
Alex McCarthy:More so with maybe the older players a bit more, but the younger sort of players sort of keep themselves to themselves a little bit more. And obviously you have that divide with the different nationalities, but it must be hard because if I was to say to go to France or Spain, like it'd be hard, wouldn't Like trying to integrate with the French level. If there was an English like that, obviously be drawn straight to him straight away.
Tim Barber:Yeah, a 100.
Alex McCarthy:So it is tough, but yeah, obviously there's a club psychologist there that the lads can speak to.
Tim Barber:Is that used?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. It's used quite a bit more so now. Think when I was coming through, it was sort of just starting up. But I think as the game sort of progressed, it's used a lot more, not just obviously in football, in everyday walking life. But yeah, the lads use it.
Alex McCarthy:I think it's obviously each their own, isn't it? If you feel like you need it or not.
Tim Barber:Yeah. What's the talk internally about looking after your mental health as a player or balancing what's going on at home?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. It's massive, I think, especially with the young lads coming through. Obviously, touching on social media and everything. It is massive. When I was probably three or four seasons in at Redding, I started using a psychologist, but I didn't, I felt I got sort of pushed towards using one.
Alex McCarthy:It wasn't sort of completely my choice. As you know me, I'm quite a sort of level headed guy. I never get too sort of high, too low. But I thought I'd give it a go and see how it went. I enjoyed it, but I didn't feel like I got loads from it.
Alex McCarthy:I ended up just sort of feeling that I was saying stuff to sort of get out there as quick as sort of quick as possible. I didn't really feel like I was taking much from it, but I think it's massive to have that sort of person you can talk to in a club. Because I know there are lads at the club that do use the lady that we've got there now. And it has changed players. Like I said, with the social media stuff, when you're reading it, it must be hard for them.
Alex McCarthy:Like, you can't just turn the switch off. Yeah. And not sort of forget about it. Yeah. So, yeah, I think having her around, and I know every club has one.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. But yeah, it's each their own.
Tim Barber:And talking about, like, turning the switch off, how do you balance your sort of lifestyle and job with the kind of parent you wanna be and husband you wanna be? Right? Like, I'm sure there are some things which are easier as a result of your job, some things that are harder. How does that all shake out for you?
Alex McCarthy:It's not too bad. It's most of the days, I'd say five. Yeah. Most of the days I am completely fine. I can come away from training and sort of switch that off and know that I'm going home to Rachel and the kids.
Alex McCarthy:But then you get days where you have a bad day at football and she can tell I'm pissed as soon as I walk through the door. But she's really good at sort of judging the situation and sort of will take care of the kids in that. More so I'd say if I was to play a game, like say the night before, I like to of have a bit of a routine. So I don't want to be up late with the kids doing this. Like, I just want to be relaxed and chill.
Alex McCarthy:That's why I quite like a lot of the lads like away games, because you're away from it or you're in your hotel room. You can just do exactly what you need to do. But I try to sort of switch off when I come out of the training ground, because obviously the kids are at school now. Yeah. And you get that few hours with them, obviously, when they're home from school and that.
Alex McCarthy:So, yeah, I feel like I can sort of monitor it quite well.
Tim Barber:And what's the what's the cadence of the season like then for you in terms of, like, when you're home, and I guess you might have a quote unquote normal routine with the kids in terms of pickups, drop offs, being around at the weekend versus away, don't see them for a bit. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:Like pre seasons pre seasons are a tough one because obviously we go away on tour for it could be a week, two weeks. So I won't see the kids for that amount of time. Away games, we travel on a Friday. We obviously play Saturday. I'm not back till Saturday night.
Alex McCarthy:So there is a lot of time that I don't see them. We like Christmas day for instance, sometimes depending on the manager, depending on the manager, we're in on Christmas day training. Whether that be the morning or the evening, it can vary. And obviously if we have an away game on Boxing Day, we travel on Christmas Day as well. So you do miss out on a lot of stuff, birthdays, but Rachel's used to it now.
Alex McCarthy:Like it's part and parcel of football. You do get used to it. Obviously when you're younger, it's a bit like, my mates are doing this, my mates are doing that. It's Christmas like. But, yeah, it's part and parcel of being a footballer.
Alex McCarthy:They're the sacrifices you make.
Tim Barber:Yeah. I remember because our daughters have shared birthday parties and, you know, Rachel's like, well, Alex is away this week, home that week, home that week, we'll pick this date. And that's what
Alex McCarthy:we're It's working a nightmare trying to book stuff in advance and that because you never get a monthly schedule. It also depends on the manager you have as well. So I've had it before where you get a weekly schedule. So you just cannot, like, plan anything in advance. And that is frustrating.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah, it is what it is. Do you
Tim Barber:think if your kids shows, you know, when they're a bit older, an
Alex McCarthy:interest in becoming footballers, you'd encourage it based on your experience? Yeah, definitely. I sort of always reflect back to my dad. He, I wouldn't change anything on my upbringing with him because like I said to you before, we lived abroad. He used to work abroad a lot.
Alex McCarthy:So I didn't have a great relationship with him as I was younger, when I was younger. He had a, he was at working out in Belgium at the time. And he used to cycle to and from work to He keep got knocked off his bike by a drunk driver. Long story short, nearly got killed. Couldn't do that line of work anymore.
Alex McCarthy:Then he came back to England started doing property development. Since that sort of moment, he completely changed. He was a lot more sort of mellow. And that was when I was sort of at the age where I was starting to sort of, I had to choose what I wanted to do. And he was so supportive, but he was strict as well.
Alex McCarthy:He made me make sort of the right sacrifices. At the time it was like, I don't wanna be doing this. I wanna be going out with my mates. I wanna be doing that. But I look back now and like that I wouldn't change anything.
Alex McCarthy:But he wasn't like that really pushy sort of parent. And I'd try and sort of be like that with like, guide them in the right direction, but not be too pushy. I see some parents, everyone can parent their kid how they want, but my son's obviously at a football club and some of the parents you see there, the kids are only seven years old, let them have fun, enjoy Yeah. They're so pushy. Like it sort of takes, I think it takes the fun out of it for them.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:So I, I've tried to model myself on the way my sort of dad brought me up. Obviously, good manners, speak to people, look them in the eyes, shake their hand, just the basic sort of stuff. But obviously everyone has their own way of bringing their kids up.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Is youth football scene. My son's also playing for a local team. It's pretty gnarly. Like, my son seems to have landed in a good team, but I speak to some of the other players and they're like, oh, yeah.
Tim Barber:Like, last week, one of the dads choked out the referee over there or
Alex McCarthy:So you've got mental seminars, screaming at
Tim Barber:the referees and stuff.
Alex McCarthy:It's like the parents are more involved than the kids. Yeah. But if he wanted to do football, I'd I'd help him as much as I could and and sort of guide him in the right direction. Yeah. But I wouldn't be one of them parents that are like in in intent, intent, intent.
Tim Barber:I wonder if that's because you've, you know, I've heard you say that, you know, try not to be too high or too low emotionally and like in doing my research of previous interviews and things, like everyone always seems to say, you're not like the normal mentality for a goalkeeper in terms of in terms of that being your approach. Like, where does that come from, do you think?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Everyone always says that to me, especially when I've gone to a new club. They're like, you're like the most normal goalkeeper I've ever met. I'm like, really?
Tim Barber:I'm just
Alex McCarthy:like a normal person. I think because a lot of goalkeepers you see are mental, they're like, just absolute like characters, like throwing their selves at butt, just don't care. Whereas I'm a bit more sort of reserved. But I don't know. I've always been like it.
Alex McCarthy:I think my dad's like it. So maybe it comes from him. But I guess it's a I'm lucky sort of to have that trait because being in the industry that I am, you need to sort of, like I said, you don't want to be too high. You don't want to be too low when you've had a bad game. I'd sort of try and stay in that zone.
Alex McCarthy:And I like it with everything really. I just use it at the end of the day, like, it is what it is like. If you can affect it, affect it. If you can't affect it, then you can't. So that's the sort of look I have on things.
Tim Barber:Has that ever been an issue with managers? It was a
Alex McCarthy:little bit as I was coming through the academy because some people thought I didn't care. Yeah. And and I used to get that a little bit. And I was always like, it's not like I don't care. It's just, this is the way I am.
Alex McCarthy:I want to do the best. I want to be the best. But people sort of people who didn't know me sort of took it as if, oh, he doesn't care. He's all right. But it it wasn't the case at all.
Alex McCarthy:I'm just a very relaxed guy. Rachel tell you when she tries to have arguments, it's just a waste of time. Yeah.
Tim Barber:You just let it slide over. Yeah. And I guess it guess for for those players who thought you didn't care or those managers, were they expecting the sort of effing and jeffing, screaming, I'm shouting?
Alex McCarthy:I'm I'm never I'm never gonna be that sort of person. Obviously, I'm I'm different when I cross that line. I'll I'll be obviously shouting this and that and organizing and stuff like that. But you wanna have a row with me. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna have a row with you.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Do you have to work at that at all? Or is it just part of
Alex McCarthy:I think it's just part of part of my makeup. It's part of my dad's makeup. Like, it's, I guess I am lucky to have that sort of trait. Because I see lots of players that are up here one minute, the next minute they're down here, they're up there. So yeah, I'm like it with everything.
Alex McCarthy:Obviously I don't wanna lose And I am pissed off when I lose. But I don't really show a lot of emotion a lot of the time. I hate to tell you that.
Tim Barber:Yeah. A sense to follow-up with her maybe to get the other side of this stuff. Yeah. It is a sort of a polarizing thing, isn't it? Like, particularly with athletes and post match interviews and that kind of stuff.
Tim Barber:Like, some people want and like the vitriol, and they expect that that shows passion. Yeah. Whereas for other people, actually, a more stoic response is a sign of emotional control and regulation.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. I've seen, like, players, like, when they score and laughter games, like, celebrating so hard and, like, kissing a badge and then you get, obviously, all the fans like, Oh, he loves the club, all this and that. But just because you don't celebrate or do the things that he's done, they're like, they don't see it. Oh, he doesn't love the club. He doesn't sort of care, but it's one game.
Alex McCarthy:I'll celebrate at the end of the season. But I just, you know, like I said, I tried to stay on that level.
Tim Barber:Would you say that that is celebrated or accepted within teams, within the locker room? Or is there an expectation of how you should show up as a leader, man, footballer?
Alex McCarthy:I think the older you get in football, managers do look for that experience and leadership. I've never been one of those people that sort of shouts and screams in the dressing room. I'd rather go up to just someone and have a conversation. So I think it works well with them as well. You've got someone shouting, some lads will shout at me in the dressing room, but they know I can take it.
Alex McCarthy:Whereas if they shout at other lads, they just go more in their shell and then they'll go out for the second half and not form as well. So that's obviously knowing your teammates as well. But yeah, like I said, the older you get, the manager does look more so on that experience and what's going on, why we're not winning games, what's going on in the dressing room. So do look for that feedback. Think it all comes with sort of agent experience.
Tim Barber:Do you consciously take a role as a leader, someone with more experience? Not really. Not really.
Alex McCarthy:My best mate at the club's cap club captain, and he is very good, to be fair. He speaks his mind. He's very honest. He's good with the young lads. He's good with ever.
Alex McCarthy:He's fair. But there is a leadership group at the club as well. And it's not really something that I want to be involved in. It's not that I don't want to help the young lads or anything like that. Just I'd rather do it sort of off my own back when I feel like, if there needs to be a chat with someone or I need to talk to this person and that I'll do it anyway.
Alex McCarthy:I didn't really want to be sort of tied in that sort of leadership group. There's a lot of meetings going on. There's a lot discussions you have to do in it. It's not really for me though.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah. What is a sign that you might need to have
Alex McCarthy:a chat with someone? Just to, like, if there's like maybe an altercation in Jessam Rim, the same thing comes up every time we have a crisis meeting about criticism on the training ground. The way you say it to someone and then they bite back, it's always like you need to be able to take criticism. But obviously it comes in how you say it to someone as well. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:So that's always a common topic in that. But I'm quite happy to go and speak to someone and say this and say that. Yeah. I always give the leadership meetings a miss.
Tim Barber:Yeah. But
Alex McCarthy:they're important.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Absolutely. And I guess it's just curious, right? Like, you know, you're you're you're clearly very, as you said yourself and others have said about you, like, very, very balanced. Yeah.
Tim Barber:And that is a good, you know, leadership trait, but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be forced down the path of, you know, doing those things. I wanna, like, shift a little bit to talking about, you know, a potentially career altering moment for you with the health scare that you had.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Was gonna tell that to I was gonna look into that. I can't actually remember the the actual diagnosis of it. Yeah. But COVID.
Alex McCarthy:I had COVID once. Yeah. Didn't really have many sort of symptoms from it. Then I got it a second time. Didn't really have any many symptoms of it.
Alex McCarthy:But at football, when we had COVID, we obviously had to spend X amount of days away from the training ground. And then once you're sort of all clear, you can come back in. But after it, they made you wear a sort of patch on your chest to So monitor your I was wearing this patch on my chest, monitoring my heart, and then a few sort of symptoms come up on it. I didn't have any symptoms of myself, but it was obviously showing some stuff on there. So I had to go and have a few tests and this and that.
Alex McCarthy:And then they said to me, I had to go and see a specialist in Southampton. No reason why at this point? They obviously said something's not right. Yeah. But yeah, so I went to see the specialist in Southampton with the club doc and Rach.
Alex McCarthy:Literally got there and all sat down and he's basically started reeling off all this stuff that was wrong with my art. Basically saying, this is like career ending. You need to stop everything what you're doing now. I know you do a lot of cycling, you can't be out on basically, you can't be on your own anywhere. You need to get a defibrillator at home.
Alex McCarthy:And I was like, what? This is so out of the blue. So we sat there, had that meeting. That was that. Obviously, Rachel's crying next minute, emotional.
Alex McCarthy:The doc was, I think the doc was a bit taken back as well. But I still was as I still was like I am now. I was like, I don't I want a second opinion. I took in what he was saying, but I didn't sort of I thought this can't be right because there weren't many symptoms.
Tim Barber:You were still able to train as hard, do all the
Alex McCarthy:same Yeah, obviously, at that moment in time, I wasn't allowed to train because I had then things come up on my monitor I was wearing. So I said to you, Bailey, my daughter was born with a small hole in her heart. She used to see a specialist in London. I think it was maybe a week or two weeks later, my wife was taking her up to get checked and she brought up in conversation with him. And he knew one of his friends up there was like the leading heart surgeon in London or whatever it was.
Tim Barber:Good to know.
Alex McCarthy:So she brought it up with him and he said, I'll get an appointment with him. So then I said to the club doctor at Southampton, I want a second opinion because I thought this is mental. I don't have any symptoms and this has all just happened so quickly. Anyway, I went on the second opinion. He said, yes, there is an issue with it, but I think I can solve it.
Alex McCarthy:I was like, great. That's obviously what I wanna know. The other guy's told me it's career And he's like, yeah, I think I can sort it. So he monitored me. I ended up going with this guy, Doctor.
Alex McCarthy:Sharma, and he ended up, I think he was monitoring. I didn't go into the training ground, I don't think for about three or four months. I was just at home, like doing the school run. Yeah. It was mental.
Alex McCarthy:But obviously at this point, everyone sort of at football, apart from the doc and the manager and that they didn't know what was going on with me.
Tim Barber:And when was this like 2021, '20
Alex McCarthy:I think it was around 2021. And obviously everyone outside of football just thinks I was injured. So they don't have a clue what was going on. So anyway, they monitored me for, I think it was like four or five months or whatever, just monitoring my heart and that. And then I went in to have surgery where they did an ablation on my heart because when I did exercise, it was fine, but it was on the recovery.
Alex McCarthy:My heartbeat would sort of jump.
Tim Barber:Right.
Alex McCarthy:I don't know the exact technical terms I of mean, basically he to do an ablation. So he cut in through my groin, but I had to be awake for it so that the heartbeat wouldn't sort of alter too much. So he cut in through my groin, put a tube up, did all electrical mapping of my heart, did the ablation. Then he had to give me adrenaline to speed my heartbeat up. It was mental.
Alex McCarthy:Was an ablation? Where they burn a part of your heart, an area of it, if I'm correct. Yeah. But like it hurts, obviously I weren't allowed any anesthetic or anything. So I was in there for about an hour and a had that done.
Alex McCarthy:All went well. I can't think how long after that I was back training. Yeah. But obviously it was obviously a slight progression. And then yearly I have to go up for checks.
Alex McCarthy:Okay. And it's all been fine. But from going from saying it's career ending to all being sorted, even then I was like, just how I am now. I just think it is what it is like. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:I can only control what I can control.
Tim Barber:And over what timeframe did this play out? Like, getting that first diagnosis to being able to train again?
Alex McCarthy:Well over a year. Really? Yeah. That long? Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:I'm sure it was well over a year. I got so fat because, obviously, I couldn't get my heart rate above 60 while they monitored all on that, so I couldn't literally do anything.
Tim Barber:Wow. And what was that like for you, I guess, routine wise? Because from the outside, I would imagine your routine is pretty strict.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. That was the hardest thing because I followed a routine for God knows how many years. And then I go from doing that to nothing. I couldn't do anything. I'd get up in the morning.
Alex McCarthy:I'd take the kids to school. Yeah. End up kind of fucking coffee run with our missus. Yeah. Doing this, doing that.
Alex McCarthy:It was literally I was doing nothing. And it was so boring. And mentally it was a bit like, because I'm used to being fit. Yeah. I'm not being able to do anything.
Alex McCarthy:You do feel sort of like a sort of slob just slobbing about.
Tim Barber:Were you still going into the
Alex McCarthy:club or? Not really. Because I wasn't allowed to do anything. I do weights a little here and there, but like I said, I couldn't get my heart rate up. So it was was it was a tough period.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Was definitely a tough period. But, yeah, I got through it.
Tim Barber:Where were you at mentally during that? I mean, I'm you know, played out every year, so I'm guessing there's lots of different points. But again, this, like, you know, balance that you have, what was coming up for you during this period?
Alex McCarthy:I think the hardest thing for me was just not being able to do something that I've always sort of done. It was like I had it taken away from me for a while. So that was a bit sort of, I wouldn't say depressing, but obviously it's just a big change, isn't it? I'm used to following a schedule. I'm used to going into football around all the banter and stuff like that.
Alex McCarthy:It was like I was sort of locked away for a little while. But I think it obviously it helps having good people around you. I have good people around me. They made it made it a lot easier for me. The club were excellent with me.
Alex McCarthy:But, yeah, it was that that was probably one of the hardest times I've had.
Tim Barber:Could you golf?
Alex McCarthy:I think I did a little bit. I didn't do it a lot. Yeah. I didn't a lot.
Tim Barber:The same one saving grace might have been that you could get out of the golf more, but but maybe not. Unless you had to cart around between holes, you could get your heart rate up. I think
Alex McCarthy:I played a little bit, but I don't think it was a lot, though. What
Tim Barber:was was going through your head in that period where you weren't sure if it was gonna be career ending? I hope my career in insurance pays. I've got
Alex McCarthy:the right one. Yeah, I don't I didn't really, to be honest, I didn't really think that far ahead. I don't, I'm one of them people that don't like to sort of think, what if this, what if that? I didn't want to think, I thought from hearing that news from obviously the second opinion, I just assumed I was going to be fine. So I'd be back in X amount of time in that.
Alex McCarthy:Rach was obviously a lot more worried than I was. But yeah, I was, as soon as I heard, I did obviously did have that bit of doubt with the first one. But then as soon as I heard the second opinion and obviously who he treated as well, ex players, was like, I had full confidence I was getting back to where I was. Because the biggest thing for me was I had no symptoms. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:And I was working out like so hard, like the training stress and everything like that. I was thinking this can't be right. Yeah. But yeah, I didn't I didn't look that far ahead. I was pretty certain I was gonna be fine.
Alex McCarthy:But if I if it if I wasn't, then god knows where I'd be.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Because what is the what is your thought process? Like, it's a volatile career at the best of times. Yeah. Are you approaching it that, you know, you'll just play as long as you choose to stop playing?
Tim Barber:Or is it in the back of your mind that someday it might be taken out of your hands?
Alex McCarthy:No. I don't think well, I'm 35 now. I think physically I feel very good. Yeah. Obviously, I'm a bit sore in my hips and, but that's just everyday life anyway.
Alex McCarthy:But I feel like I'll be able to sort of stop playing on my sort of terms. And if I, unless I have a really bad injury now, touch wood, I don't. I've had a few injuries in that. But overall, feel like I'm in a good place. I've been in the game a long time now.
Alex McCarthy:I feel like I've done what I wanted to do. So yeah, I think I'd I'd it'd be when I want to end it.
Tim Barber:Yeah. And going through something like this hasn't shifted your mindset at all? With the heart stuff? Yeah. Yeah.
Tim Barber:It's shifted your mindset about how you think about your career, what comes in the next one, five, ten years?
Alex McCarthy:Not a little bit. Obviously, I appreciate everything a lot more. Having the kids sort of trying to be as I think I'm a positive person anyway, but trying to sort of let the kids have that as well. At times I'm more probably hard on late than I am with Bailey, but I wouldn't say I'm a really hard parent anyway. Because I do let them get a lot away with a lot of stuff.
Alex McCarthy:But, yeah, I'd I'd I'd say from having that, it it did change me a little bit. Yeah.
Tim Barber:Rach is your wife, so I should have said from so keep talking about Rach as your wife. There was she ever frustrated with you during this period that you weren't getting up and down? Because I can imagine it could be frustrating that you're like, well, you know, what will be will be, like, super laissez faire, which is it feels like a massive strength for you. Yeah. But I can imagine if it's not meeting her or anyone where they're at,
Alex McCarthy:it could be for perfection. It was she was excellent in that time, in that period. But obviously, it was a massive change for her because she's used to obviously me not being there, Like
Tim Barber:You're suddenly home all the time.
Alex McCarthy:And then I'm suddenly home all the It's a bit like But I don't think we sort of argue to I probably got on her nerves because I was there constantly. It's probably a bit easier for her at times because I could always pick the kids up or do whatever in that. But yeah, it was obviously a massive change. But yeah, she was unbelievable in that time she is now. But yeah, it's a part of my life that's happened and we've moved on.
Tim Barber:Yeah. No, I'm good. I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad, yeah, you're still playing on your terms as I'm still here. Exactly.
Tim Barber:I wanted to think about sort of, you know, wrapping up the conversation and the purpose of this podcast really is to reflect on men and masculinity and, you know, how that intersects with different things, you know, in the world, sport being being one of them. How is the thinking about what young men as players are going through, like, has it we've touched a bit on social media, but how has it changed for the young lads coming through today versus when you were coming through your career?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. We've obviously done the social media side of stuff. I think physically, like the younger lads coming through now are so strong and powerful. We'd did I remember doing gym sessions and this and that when I was coming through and that. But I think obviously nutritionally now, recovery, everything is just sort of progressed along with the game.
Alex McCarthy:So yeah, there's a young lad at Southampton now. Think he's only about 18, but like, if you were to look at him with his top off, like, he's not like massive, but he's just so strong. Yeah. And a lot of the younger players are like that now. It's almost like they're obviously a young boy in a man's body.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:So, yeah, I think it it's progressed a lot massively with definitely with the nutritional side of stuff and the gym and recovery side.
Tim Barber:And with with the social media stuff, is there a do you get a sense from the young lads that they get that it's harmful? Like, do they get that it's not perhaps the best thing to be doing? It's like searching for your own hashtag before or after games?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. I think so. But they still do it. Yeah. It's like, they know they shouldn't be doing it, but they just sort of want to go on on there and have a look to sort of prove themselves right.
Alex McCarthy:But then obviously, you start seeing all these comments whatever. And it does affect them. I think it wasn't last season, the season before, but one of the lads sort of closed his accounts down. So he was just getting peppered the whole time. But it's always going to be like that.
Alex McCarthy:If anything, it's going to get worse. I think a few of the lads now have actual people that look after their accounts for them. They're not actually looking at them too much. They've got someone managing them for them.
Tim Barber:From a sort of like PR brand perspective.
Alex McCarthy:And I think I think that is probably better because obviously you're building your brand, but you're not obviously looking at
Tim Barber:all rubbish that comes along with it. Yeah. Because it feels like, you know, over the last ten, fifteen years, as you've described, it's there's more of a discussion around mental health, clubs have got people in house that can help them. But it's sort of just trying to keep up with the stuff they're now exposed to that wasn't there before.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah, there's so much exposed now. And some of the stuff you do see on there is, it's like mind blowing. What we're talking about? Like the abuse that the lads the lads get in that. And, yeah, I just I don't I don't know why people do it, but it they're they're easy targets at the end of the day, aren't they?
Alex McCarthy:And yeah.
Tim Barber:Is there any dialogue about footballers as role models, whether at a club level or an individual level, how they want you to show up, you know, and represent the club or yourself?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. The club always on that day, they want you to sort of show yourself in the right way because obviously everyone's constantly looking in at you, whether it be on social media, out and about. You obviously, you're signed to that club, you work for that club. They don't want any sort of bad press. And they want you to show yourself in the right way, I guess it is.
Alex McCarthy:So, yeah.
Tim Barber:Do you think about yourself individually as a role model to young lads Yeah. Coming
Alex McCarthy:At training, you get some of the young lads coming up to train with you. And I remember doing it as a young lad. It'd be a big thing going up to train with the first team. Yeah. And I remember when I was coming up, you'd get some of the more experienced lads hammering the young lads.
Alex McCarthy:And I was like, fucking hell, is this what this is like? Yeah, yeah. But obviously as the games evolved in that, it's completely the other way now, like you get the young lads coming up, the senior boys are there making sure the young lads are all right. They've got the arm around them. See, I'm pleased it's sort of going more so that way because when I came through, was the other way and it was like, I don't want go up and train with the older ones.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And that's not what you want when you're a young lad coming through. No. So, yeah, we we try and get the young lads obviously involved in everything that we do when they're with us and just make them feel a part of it.
Tim Barber:And is part of it showing them how to be a professional too,
Alex McCarthy:in terms
Tim Barber:of how you train, how you eat, how you
Alex McCarthy:show up? The standards obviously change massively when they come up from the younger ones to first team. They know they've got to be at it, otherwise they're gonna be getting shouted at in the right way, of course. And then, yeah, like I said, the recovery side, eating is massive because quite a lot of the young lads would just eat rubbish because you can get away with it when you're younger. I remember doing it when I was younger, eating this, eating that, drinking that.
Alex McCarthy:But the older you get, the more you sort of sort of take notice of what what you're doing.
Tim Barber:So what advice would you give if you were, you know, 17 again, just starting to come through the ranks, not just about, like, you know, on the pitch stuff and training, but also off the pitch stuff based on what you see serving players well and not being at the stage you're at in your career?
Alex McCarthy:Young me, I think definitely I was professional, but I wasn't massively professional, as in the recovery side, nutritional side. I look at the game now and what some of the players do in that. And I think if I did that back then, would it have given me that extra sort of 10%? So yeah, definitely the recovery. I'm not gonna lie, I still don't like the recovery side now, getting a nice bar from that.
Alex McCarthy:But I do do it because I need to do it because I'm older. Pilates is massive now in football. I do a lot of that outside of football. Right. For the flexibility and strength stuff.
Alex McCarthy:So I think that sort of progressed, prolonged my career a bit, I'd say. But I just think for every young kid coming through, I think every day is a new day. Get what you can out of it on the training pitch. You don't have to use everything that everyone says to you. But if you sort of take bits from that, you've you've given yourself the best chance.
Alex McCarthy:Mhmm.
Tim Barber:I keep thinking about this sort of gift you have of your emotional even keel because in some ways, feels like you don't have to work at it. But in other ways, if more people could take a dose of that for themselves, it would serve them greatly. Like, do you think about how you can impart that on young lads as well?
Alex McCarthy:I'm I'm gonna ask a question. I've not really thought about that. I don't know whether it's if you if it's something you can sort of work towards or if if it's if it's just you brought up with it sort of thing. It's instilled in you. I do say to like the young lads, you always want to sort of be on that level.
Alex McCarthy:When you have an amazing game, great. But you don't want to be like so high that then you have a massive come down. Yeah. So yeah, it's a hard one because I've had it all my time. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:So like you said, I've never had to work on it, I was saying, but I think it'd be interesting to see if other lads, probably more so younger ones, because I think the older ones are instilled in their ways anyway. But the younger ones just sort of having that.
Tim Barber:Do you see it in your kids yet? Definite Not like. I mean, it's hard when they're It is when I they say it, isn't
Alex McCarthy:always do say to them if they've had an argument at school or whatever, say, just don't forget about it. Tomorrow's a new day. Just get on with it. I am how I am now with the kids, but they do obviously, you know, they're like, when the kids are nonstop at home and you're saying things 30 times, I do lose my temper then, but they always know that I'm the more relaxed
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:Parent. But, I will I'll I'll try and sort of push them into into that Yeah. Sort of thinking and
Tim Barber:Yeah. And I suppose that's the great thing about, you know, earning a living the way you do. Right? Like, sport is a real petri dish for that mindset. Right?
Tim Barber:Like, you've got no choice but to move on from a bad performance or a bad day at training.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. Being a goalkeeper as well, if you make a mistake, 99% of the time, it ends in a goal. Yeah. If you're an outfield player, you can get away with it. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:So it it is the hardest position on the pitch because you're on your own as well. Yeah. So I think having that mindset and everything is it it helps massively.
Tim Barber:Yeah. For sure. So just thinking about, you know, your career to date and and what's coming next, like, are you proudest of on and off the pitch? What sticks out for you?
Alex McCarthy:On the pitch would have to be making my England debut at Wembley against America. I can't remember actually what year that was. It's a while ago. Yeah. But, yeah, definitely.
Alex McCarthy:I think when you're growing up as a kid, you watch the World Cup, you watch England play. It's It was a big achievement for me. Funny enough that my mom and dad couldn't make it. They were away on holiday. But Rachel and that come along.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. So yeah, that definitely be probably one of the proudest moments of my career. Off the away from football, two kids. Yeah. Gotta be.
Tim Barber:They're good kids as well.
Alex McCarthy:They change they change you. Yeah. And, yes, I never thought I'd be ready for kids. Well, I think until you have your first, you never think you're gonna be ready in that. But when they come along, they they change his perspective on life, on things.
Alex McCarthy:So it'd have to be the kids.
Tim Barber:What's changed for you perspective wise then?
Alex McCarthy:I just look at things a bit differently. Maybe certain things that I do and I think about the kids, maybe some stupid things I do when I was sort of younger and that, and then you think, oh, I've got the kids. Yeah. So, yeah, that that do make you you think about stuff a lot more. And and everything I do now is for them.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. So I want them to have sort of the upbringing that I had. Yeah. And sort of get them everything that they need.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Amazing. And whether it's your kids or or maybe, you know, one of the lads who's coming through the academy now, like, how would you like them to describe you as a role model when they're reflecting back in on their career?
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. No, I think I'd like to sort of be remembered as someone who would always be like sort of laughing and jokey around the group. But when when I needed to be serious and things needed to get done, I'd like them to sort of think that that was me, a team player, showed up at the big moments and at the right times. Just a good person. Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:I think that that's the main thing that I'd sort of instill in my kids is I'd just be a good person.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, we were talking before we started around the world that our kids are gonna grow up in and how confusing it is, but sometimes the answer can be as simple as like whatever's going on with AI or wars or jobs, like, just start by controlling yourself and being a good person.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. I think that's
Tim Barber:good place to start.
Alex McCarthy:Respect people, treat people as you wanna be treated, and and the rest will follow.
Tim Barber:Yeah. And I think that's, you know, that's why I was interested to speak to you too, because if I think about my son, you know, growing up watching football, watching match of the day, watching interviews, like, you know, the the opportunity, because he doesn't wanna hear this stuff from me. No. No one wants to
Alex McCarthy:hear it from their dad today. So,
Tim Barber:you know, we've got and there's a lot of talk. Gareth Southgate was talking about young men having role models. Yeah. We've got role models, you know, trotting out every Saturday at 03:00. Right?
Tim Barber:There's an opportunity to influence young lads, and I think if more of them heard a message of just start with being a good person
Alex McCarthy:Yeah.
Tim Barber:That makes a difference.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. I think I think that's massive in every every day of life. Yeah. When you meet people, good people, you wanna you wanna be around them. You wanna speak to them and that, but when you don't, you I can Yeah.
Alex McCarthy:Yeah. I'll move on.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Take it or leave it. Alright. Well, look, Alex, been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you so much for for being so open and honest.
Tim Barber:No. Thank you. Have a meal. I'm enjoying else is there anything else you'd you'd wanna say or or any other messages for the young men who might be listening?
Alex McCarthy:No, I think we've sort of covered everything there. I think just sort of enjoy life. Yeah. I'm sat here now. I'm 35.
Alex McCarthy:I remember being a young kid in the dressing room and looking at the older boys thinking, God, you're old. Yeah. And now I'm already there. Yeah. So life does go quickly, so just enjoy it.
Tim Barber:Yeah. Nice. Good advice. Alright. Thanks, Alex.
Tim Barber:Thanks so
Alex McCarthy:much, Tim.
Tim Barber:Thank you. Cheers. So there you have it. That was Alex giving us the lowdown on what it takes to be a professional footballer. And look, if, like me, you're a passive observer of the sport or you're an obsessive, I think there's a lot you can take from that.
Tim Barber:It's it's clearly a gift, the way he's able to control his emotions. And I think if more of us can take that into our day to day lives in terms of being balanced and using that as a way to show up as a good man, then we can take a lot from that. So as always, if you enjoyed today's episode, please like, subscribe and share it with a man who might need to hear it. Ultimately, that's how healthy masculinity is going to spread show by show, message by message and bringing others along with this journey too. So thanks once again, work hard, be kind, and I will catch you in the next one.