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Welcome to Coffee Can't Fix Everything, a unique podcast where we delve into the complex and often misunderstood world of mental health, all over a comforting cup of coffee. In each episode, we sit down with a steaming brew to have candid, heart-to-heart conversations about various aspects of mental health.
00:00
Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of Coffee Can't Fix Everything. This is a show where we talk about mental health over a cup of coffee. And today I have my very confident, not nervous, great friend with me today, Leah. Leah, thank you so much for being here on Coffee Can't Fix Everything. Yes. So.
00:28
For me, you know, I really wanted to talk to you, but first of all, how are you? How are you doing? How's everything going? Good good. It's been a busy busy week, but
00:41
We got coffee, we're ready to go. Hey, so when we had a great conversation not too long ago, literally like what a week ago, when I wanted to have you on, it just really, I know you're in the DEI space, you do great work there, but I also know that when we're talking about corporate America or just work in general, it's hard.
01:10
Just getting through life be life and that's my that's my I didn't make a shirt I've said that so many times life be the life in right and I would love to get your thoughts just as someone not in the space That's why I love interviewing people who are not therapists because it takes it takes a lot for us to really Be mindful every day To get through every day, so I would love to hear like how do you?
01:36
kind of get through your day? Like what has your mental health journey been like? Yeah, so that's a good question because it has been very much a roller coaster.
01:49
You know, there's been moments in my life where I have felt great and have felt like I've not needed any help. And then other times where that has absolutely not been the case at all and definitely needed some help. Right. And so when I first got started, kind of on my mental health journey, I was going through just a tough time and my personal life. But that bleeds over into work all the time. You can't leave part of yourself outside the workplace.
02:19
might try it doesn't really work that way so it was going through a tough time in my personal life that was really impacting my attention at work my focus my ability to perform and I am very thankful that I had a leader at that time who really cared about me as a person and as a human being more than just someone who was there to produce just the clock and do it yep yep and so
02:49
started flipping and not being normal. It wasn't a let's write you up because you're not doing what you should be doing. It's what's happening in your life, what's going on, and how can we get you help and resources to get you back on track to what I know you can be. And so I'm very thankful that that leader reminded me at the time that we had an employee resource through the organization that I was with that offered free mental health services.
03:19
And so, you know, she very nicely but firmly gave me that nudge of you need to take advantage of this benefit that we offer. Very nicely but firmly. Yes. And you know, and it's like, and it was so...
03:37
I'm sure I can't, you know, this was a long time ago, so I can't remember exactly how I was responded or felt in the moment. And I'm sure I was probably like a little bit annoyed thinking like, what do you mean I need therapy? I don't need therapy. You know, right now, older, wiser, having gone through it, hindsight's 2020. Um, that was something that shows how much that person cared about the person that they recognize I need to help.
04:06
they made sure their resources were available. Because it's so easy, if you have a leader that doesn't care about you, it could just be, oh, you're not performing, you're out of here. Exactly, and one, I have so much respect for leaders that are mindful of the people that are under them, and their intent is to make sure that you're not only doing what you have to do, but how are you feeling, what's going on?
04:34
You hear nightmares. Your story is like the total opposite of what you normally hear from some people because their manager or their boss never took the time to sit down and say, okay, hey, what's going on? All they see are your numbers or your output, but they don't take that time. In the moment, I know it's kind of like the, who are you talking to kind of a feeling, but you said in hindsight,
05:04
But as you were starting to really kind of understand, like, yo, maybe I am going through some stuff, what was that process like of like, okay, maybe she is right? Yeah, so that was also a bit of a roller coaster. So I didn't have much to compare, you know, what is therapy like? What is...
05:31
what is going to a therapist feel like aside from what you see in TV, you know, where you write the couch and you lay back and how does that make you feel? And you know, you have some Freudian looking person like standing over you with their notes judging you crazy. Yeah. I don't want to do that. That doesn't sound right for me, but I will say, you know, in.
05:57
the now many years of therapy I've gone through. That's generally not how it is. There are definitely some out there like that. But I think what was most interesting, I'm very lucky that I kind of...
06:12
figured this out early on that you don't have to stick with the first person that you see if that person doesn't work for you. And that was kind of, I think, you know, the first person that I saw recognize that, you know, we weren't building a great rapport. I wasn't opening up. And so he actually referred me to, he's like, you know, here's, here's a website, go out to the website, look at all the providers that are available to you through this resource that you have.
06:42
and see if there's someone out there who...
06:47
who you might want to connect with better. Right. And so, and that could be, you know, different providers have different specialties that they can work on. If you wanting to talk about, you know, your parents, your family, relationships, you know, PTSD, trauma, like all of these people have different specialties. So that was definitely one piece to look for is, you know, who's matching up and can kind of help me through the issue that I'm having right now today.
07:17
There's reviews out there, but then also once I found someone that I'm like, okay, this person's interesting. I'm going to make an appointment with this person. Every therapist has a different style. Right. And their office, which is so funny, but their office to me was something that was really important. Well, their office was important to you. Okay. Tell me about it. Yeah.
07:47
the feel of the room either made me tense or helped me relax.
07:54
And so the therapist that I ended up seeing for many, many years, she had a personal style that of how she decorated her office that matched my personal style at home. So when I went into that office and it was a comfortable sofa, bright colors, you know, plants, greenery, artwork, just kind of a cool vibe. I felt like I was in a more comfortable environment. I'm, you know, here, not at home. I knew I wasn't at home, but kind of.
08:23
that more homey vibe to me. Right. That I could be having a conversation with a friend, not great, and not everybody's gonna, probably won't work for everyone. Right. Some people might want a totally different vibe and now I have a good friend that is a therapist as well and just seeing her office, you know, every therapist has a totally different decor style and what works for them, for them to be a good provider, but then also what works for you as the person.
08:53
Seeking support. Yes, I'm going through this right now. So I want I Want to I'm looking for a therapist myself And I don't know if this is me sabotaging myself
09:08
But I keep, I'm just looking at these faces and if they look like an evil villain, I won't, I won't reach out to them. And that's, and I'm like, oh, I don't like, I don't like how you look. And that's probably not the best thing to go off of. But I think it's so important to like find who fits you that it shouldn't be just like a.
09:30
okay I'm gonna call this number, schedule the appointment, and like okay just rock with this person. Yeah. But like it's kind of nerve-racking to go through that whole process and then find out oh I don't, I know it's important but to go through it all and to be like oh I don't know if I rock with you. Yeah it can be super cumbersome and expensive you know quite frankly to set up multiple appointments and figure out this person is right for me, this person's not right for me.
09:59
that other than there isn't you just got to do the work you got to do the work referrals recommendations I think were super helpful so you know I did put in some time with this you know first therapist that wasn't didn't end up being my jam right enough that he was able to say okay you might rock better with this person over here yeah or this is kind of what you can look for and they were able to give me a little bit extra guidance on what I could look for
10:29
It's also just I find it fascinating my therapist Referred me to my medical general Practitioner that I now see because she was so one of the things that we had talked about was just some health issues That I was having and how that was affecting Physical health was affecting my mental health And I at the time could not for the life of me understand what my doctor was telling me lots of jargon I didn't understand. Oh, yeah, so, you know through her network She knew she was this doctor might be great for you
10:59
And how their bedside manner fits a little bit more like what you might need Yeah, you know so it's all these referral games. I talk with friends Have also Seen different people. What do you like about yours? What do you not like? What about your experience? What should I look for? And kind of makes the process a little bit easier, right? That's dope Can we go back to like the work stuff for a little bit cuz I'm really I'm really interested in
11:29
own experience with your boss saying, hey, this needs to be happening. Now that you're a leader in your own sense, in your own right, have you taken some of that stuff? Are you looking, how are you working with the people that are under you? Are you looking for some of the similar things? Or how are you approaching their mental health? Yeah, so, and that's an interesting question because I don't lead people directly. So all of my leadership has been...
11:59
in an indirect capacity, working with other leaders to help them be the best leader that they can be. And so these are things that we talk about, is when you, particularly when you notice a change in someone's output or a change in someone's productivity or the quality of their work, is let's not be so quick to assume they've given up, that they've checked out.
12:29
It's a little bit harder if someone just comes in and you don't know them in any other way. But still we think about when we interviewed this person, when we brought this person on, we saw something in them. How do we draw that out? And so I think it's, you know, just trying to help people understand that.
12:54
If you put in a little bit of effort here to help this person achieve or perform in the way that you know that they can, that they've showed you that they can.
13:06
that's more efficient, it's more effective, it's cheaper to the organization than letting that person go and going through the recruitment, the hiring, the retraining. So it might feel like a little bit of pain to put that effort into another human being, but not only is it just the right and good moral thing to do, it makes the most business sense when you're looking at profits and dollars and time.
13:36
why we hired them in the first place and get that back. Do you feel like your journey to improving your mental health has allowed you to maybe separate your personal and professional life easier? Or do you feel like they're still that, kind of they still kind of mesh together? I think it has made them flow together more seamlessly. I don't try to separate them.
14:08
You know, I don't try to leave my personal life at the door when I walk in because my personal life is what shaped who I am, what my values are, what I believe in, and that's why you hire me. But it's also, you know, I have...
14:30
work to become more open about, hey, this is what I have going on. This is what I can give you right now. This is, I can't give you all of me. And I shouldn't, no one should be giving their whole selves at work to the point where they have nothing left at home. Right. And so I think it's made me more comfortable having those conversations in the workplace, which have then helped other people feel more comfortable having
15:00
conversations in the workplace. I was with a group of folks and someone told me how do you stay so so calm in this situation and I was like no one's ever said that to me in my life therapy must be working. And so I said to that person I said I'm gonna tell my therapist that that you said that to me because that's a milestone that you know we're gonna sell away and it was so funny because I
15:29
I still stay connected to this person many years later. And that was a light bulb moment for that individual as well. That, oh.
15:40
It's okay to talk about these things. It's okay to talk about, you know, no one bats an eye if they say, hey, I've got to take off on Friday because I have a medical doctor's appointment. So why can't we take time off to take care of our brains? That's real. I just, this is a true story. This was just last week where it was the busiest week of my life. And I took, I called in on the day.
16:08
Right? This random day I'm like, I called my, I texted my boss and I said, I will not be in today, I'm not feeling well. Cause I needed a mental health day. I didn't say that in the text message, I said, I'm just not feeling well. Get to work the next day. Everybody, where were you at yesterday? Right? And before I just would have been like, oh, I was just sick. You know, I wouldn't, I would have lied. I mean, like, I was like, I had a fever, but I was like, I wasn't feeling it.
16:34
I needed a mental break. And you know what, everybody was like, I feel that. Like nobody was like, it wasn't weird. People were like, yo, that's real. Like I get that. You know what I mean? And that's so, that was such a relief to be like, yeah, I can talk about this. And also you said something too that I think needs to be highlighted is celebrating those milestones and like.
17:01
We're all dealing with childhood trauma out here. For the most part, I don't want to put childhood trauma on somebody that had a great childhood, God bless you. But when there are times when someone sees something, like yo, and I know before I would have handled that differently, you gotta celebrate that. Yeah.
17:29
in the moment, it's not always easy to see, you know, if that person had called out to me, like you're being very calm right now and yeah, situation, I wouldn't have thought anything of it, you know, and so now looking back at times I can see
17:45
different points in my life where I've handled stressors in different ways, where I've handled anxiety in different ways. Right. And it's hard because it takes a long time. It takes a long time. To make those changes and to be able to recognize like, Oh, this is, this is a trigger for me. This is something that I need to stop, pause, you know, implement whatever activity it is, intervention that you're working on.
18:15
point where it just becomes more of a habit and you don't recognize that you're doing it anymore. Yeah, what got you to be more consistent with that? Like what got you to understand your triggers and knowing what your triggers are and then what kind of practices did you put into play to get to the point to where somebody noticing you being calmer?
18:36
So for me, it was, we tried a lot of different things. And so, you know, I love the therapist that I had been seeing for so long because she gave me, we would try for a couple of months, couple of weeks, different tactics and see what worked. You know, so there's, whether it's kind of the traditional breathing, counting, some sizes. That really wasn't my jam so much. You know, I tried sitting in my car
19:06
work in meditating and I was like this is not this is I am not a meditator it's not for me. So we tried we tried some some other like physical interventions like would yoga help or different things definitely not a yogi I am impressed by all the yogis out there it's not me. Yeah God bless you. So kind of what we ultimately found that it was just you know a trial and error process of what works
19:36
I love office supplies and pens and markers and colors. And so we tapped into that and it became journaling was what worked for me. So I got to do something that brought me a little bit of joy. I got to play with my colors and my pens and all these things that I had. It felt like I was doing arts and crafts a little bit. But it also became my outlet. That.
20:02
just spending a little bit of time, a couple sentences, a highlight of the day, a low light of the day, or even, you know, but it didn't have to be a full Dear Diary journal entry. But it was kind of just, what happened today and how did that make me feel? Or if I was getting frustrated in a moment, you know, now I carry my, sitting right over there, I carry my journal with me all the time. So, it's, this is bothering me right now, it's how I'm feeling right now.
20:32
quick and you know so that kind of clicked into place for me pretty quickly where I was able to go back and see okay these are the things that really set me on edge or that really you know so that's what worked for me but it took quite a bit of trial and error trying different tactics and techniques to find out. Right so you put it out on paper then look at it and kind of soak it in to kind of break it down and then you can change that behavior so when that
21:02
differently. Yeah, you can start to see that you know there becomes trends and patterns on you know this is the type of situation that brings me stress and anxiety and so then it becomes well how what can I do what's in my control? I always control everything. That's true. What's in my control that I can avoid?
21:24
getting myself into that situation and if I can't avoid it what do I need to do to take care of myself after that situation after I'm done with it right like you said super busy at work maybe it is okay I put in this this wild week at work I need a day off right I need some time to recharge time to recharge
21:54
Yeah, it feels good. It feels good. It does feel good. If you were to be talking to somebody or somebody watching or listening and they're kind of on that edge of getting a therapist, looking to get a therapist or they're going, they're in the process of going on their own mental wellness journey, what would you say to them? What is some advice or some recommendations you would give to them? I mean...
22:19
Simply, I guess I would say just go for it, just try it. There's a lot of different ways to look at self care and to go through therapy. You know, if the one-on-one isn't your jam, there's groups. But...
22:39
Regardless of how anyone feels, I think we all benefit from a good therapist. We kind of have this expectation that at least annually, we should go get a physical that's generally accepted. Right. Practice that you go see a medical doctor to have your physical health checked out, make sure everything's running as it should. And be on the lookout for any risks that might pop up in the future.
23:08
for you so you can get ahead of those. Why not do that for our mental well-being? Absolutely. So you know I think even if you if you go and you you realize I don't need to come back once a week I don't need to come once a month. Right. Just having that check-in I think it's really important. Yeah awesome so last question on a scale of one to ten how bad was this?
23:37
See, it wasn't that bad. No, it definitely wasn't that bad. I'm not good at the 1 to 10 scale. I will say that I never forgot that camera was there. I know. I kept seeing you look at it like, oh, that light's still on. It is still recording. Never forgot that camera was there. It is still recording.
23:57
Awesome. Leah, thank you so much for being here. Everybody, thank you for listening and watching Coffee Can't Fix Everything. I am not a therapist as you know, listen, Leah's not a therapist, but I want you to get help. If you do need help, the resources, there will be resources in the link of the episode. Please get those because I want you here. And again, coffee can't fix everything, but we will have the conversation one coffee at a time.
24:27
How about you next time?